Mario Mario and the Bottle of Lightning
by gamer4
Summary: Mario finally returns to the Smash Mansion, only to find himself plunged into a tournament between his school and two rival consoles- er, I mean, rival schools! Based on Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Fourth installment of the Mario Mario series! Complete!
1. The Locked House

Gamer4 in, and welcome, one and all, to the beginning of probably my greatest undertaking yet- the fourth installment in the _Mario Mario _series, _Mario Mario and the Bottle of Lightning! _Oh, I've got so many things to say here! I suppose I should start with the basics- to everyone returning to the series, welcome back! I'll also extend a welcome to anyone not familiar with the series, but in that case, I'd very much recommend reading the prequels to this story first, otherwise you'll be even more lost than someone who did read the previous installments! In essence, what we have here is a parody of the Harry Potter series, set in the world of video games! I'll be honest- for the first... many chapters, I'll be running two stories at once. I was intending to finish my _Live Alive _mini-series before getting started on this next installment, but the Mario Mario content of my blood was simply running too low- I could hear this story calling to me, begging to be written. Because, truth be told, this is the story I've been looking forward to the most- the Writing Gamer's Association has a lot of cool things planned for this story. So, here we go, because I simply can't hold back anymore- let's get this big ol' Mario Mario story started- by talking about Markiplier. Makes sense to me! Let's rock!

Disclaimer: Getting all the obvious stuff out of the way right now so I _never _have to say it again- I don't own _Harry Potter _or _any _of the video games that will appear or be referenced throughout. If any OCs of mine appear, (unlikely,) then I'll probably make a note of that. Also, I'll add that I'm not Markiplier. Also, remembering to mention this _before _the last minute, like I usually do, this story's picture is a slightly edited version of _Mario Potter _by Duckboy on Deviantart. As usual, thanks to said artist! There, hope you all enjoyed that legitimate disclaimer, it's the last one you're getting this story.

Mario Mario and the Bottle of Lightning

Chapter I

The Locked House

"Hello, everybody, my name is Markiplier, and welcome to Let's Play _The Locked House!_" spoke an affable-looking young man with messy black hair and a pair of glasses. He was currently looking directly at the webcam on his laptop, where the aforementioned game was already all booted up and ready to go. "This is a very interesting game, just released on Steam, it looks like it's got some really good work put into it, very highly reviewed, so I thought I'd play it for you guys! Apparently, it's based on an actual urban legend from this town, Threed, so I even came over to Threed to record it right where the legend came from! Just to add to the experience, you know. Now, aside from it being in Threed, I don't know much, so I guess I'll just look it up here..."

On the laptop, his cursor slid over the game's menu to an option marked, _The Legend. _A wall of text appeared, and Mark muttered, "Oh, boy, lots of text to read. Alright, let's get started here... Hmmm... something about an old house where the whole family died- George Locke, Maria Locke, and... another George Locke. Something about nobody really liking them, but everyone was still interested when they all suddenly turned up dead... Why are there always people turning up dead in these games? Well, anyways, nobody could figure out how they died... of course. The only thing the doctors could find wrong with the bodies was that they all looked scared- but nobody really thought that had anything to do with anything- how many people really get scared to death?" Markiplier took a pause from reading the text to note, "Well, actually, about that... never mind." He shook his head and returned to reading. "Anyways, the only witness the police could find said that he saw some guy dressed like a farmboy with these big glasses walking away from the scene, but nobody believed him- something about him hardly having had a cameo before- so, the case is still unsolved to this day! Until now!" Markiplier grinned at the camera. "So, I guess this game is all about trying to solve the murder? Well, I just happen to be recording in a house right next to the house in question!"

Quietly, Mark paused the recording and turned to the window of the house he was recording in, gazing out at the nearby house. It was actually kind of stunning- if the legend was more well-known, he could easily see the place becoming a Mecca for horror fans- if there was any house in the history of the world that more fit the stereotype of an old, creepy, probably-haunted house, it was the Locked House of Threed. It was easy to see that nobody had approached it in years since the murder of the residents. It was an old, foreboding manor house that looked like the wood was rotting in several places, and it sat on the other side of a yard filled with tangled weeds and overgrown grass. It really was the perfect place to be recording a horror game.

Suddenly, his eyes fell on a window on the upper floor, where a flickering orange light had appeared. "Hold on..." he muttered. "What's that?"

He blinked- was there someone already inside the building? As far as he knew, nobody really owned the house- he'd asked around when he'd arrived in Threed, and everybody had said that the building was essentially considered the property of the town. So who could be in there now?

At first, Mark didn't really care, and was on the point of turning back to his laptop to continue recording, until the instincts of a horror-story character- er, I mean, his curiosity- overcame him, and he instead moved to elsewhere in the small house he was staying in, picked up a flashlight, and nothing else, before stepping out into the night.

It was smooth going- until he got to the yard in front of the Locked House. The lawn and yard were the messiest he'd ever seen- bar none. He had to fight his way through extremely long grass to make any progress at all, without contending with all the weeds that had been allowed to grow all around since the place had been abandoned.

Eventually, he arrived in front of the building, and reached out for the knob. However, it wouldn't turn. "Ah... dinkus dammit," he muttered. "I guess I'll go around the back."

As he stepped back into the yard and began fighting his way through the absurdly overgrown yard, he began to mutter to himself, "So, how about a story to pass the time? I remember I was talking about American history- where was I? Can't quite remember... how about I just tell you about my favorite part? The Hawley-Smoot tariff! I- I'll be honest with you," he continued, not entirely certain who he was talking to, "I don't actually know anything about the Hawley-Smoot Tariff, aside from it was apparently some really bad government decision... but it's got the best _name _of anything in American history! I could say that all day! Hawley-Smoot Tariff, Hawley-Smoot Tariff, Hawley-Smoot Tariff!"*

Finally, he managed to push through into the backyard, where the beam from his flashlight fell upon... "A graveyard," he muttered, staring at the vast number of tombstones in front of him. "Just when I thought this place couldn't get any more perfect, they have a graveyard in the back, too!"

This place was exciting him more and more, giving him enough energy to fight his way through the last few weeds separating him and the manor's back door. Bad news and good news- the back door wasn't unlocked, but the reason for that is that it had been ripped off of its hinges somewhere along the line. Normally, Mark would have considered this ominous, but his status as the protagonist of a semi-horror story prevented him from noticing the numerous red flags appearing in front of him, and he pressed on into the manor itself.

The kitchen, like everything else in the manor, had fallen into disrepair. The halls were all old, dusty, and falling apart. "Kind of reminds me of Black Rose... or Amnesia," Markiplier muttered, turning to the steps. Well, the light he'd seen _was _on the upper floors...

How much dust was there on the stairs, you ask? There was so much that none of Mark's footsteps made the slightest noise- the dust was muffling it too well. Finally, he arrived on an upper floor, and spied a door that was slightly ajar, with the orange light pouring out of it. He approached it slowly.

He only paused when he heard a voice speaking out of the room- a very unpleasant, gravelly-sounding voice. "We've still got a little more left, if you want some, sir."

"No... save it for later," came the reply. Mark searched for words to describe this voice, but realized that he simply couldn't find any. The voice was strange, fluctuating from low to high, or, possibly, as though many people were speaking at once. "Now get over here and move me closer to the fire, you cretin!" Not offering any time to complete the deed, he rasped out, "Why haven't you done it yet?"

"Sorry... sorry, sir," the gravelly voice quickly apologized. Mark watched as the form of a large man moved forward and grabbed a chair, moving it closer to a fire in the fireplace that Mark assumed was the source of the light that had brought him here in the first place. The man with the gravelly voice was hunched over, had long, oily, greasy hair, and a scraggly imitation of a beard.

"Where is the Dry Bones, Mumkhar?" the voice in the chair demanded. Mark took a moment to be impressed at how the voice could make even a simple question seem like a demand.

"I think... I think he went off to scout around the house."

"As soon as he gets back, I want you to get some more venom from him," the chair-voice commanded. "I'll need more feeding before tomorrow- this journey has taken a great toll on my health."

Now Mark was curious- what was going on here? He approached as close to the door as he dared, listening as hard as he could.

'Mumkhar' was the next to speak. "So... how long are we staying here, sir?"

"As long as is necessary," Chair-Voice responded. "This place is... important to me. It is more comfortable than other places I have been frequenting lately, and we cannot act until the Smash-Up Grand Prix is over in any case."

Mark blinked. Smash-Up... Grand Prix? That was a tangle of words that held no meaning to him. Maybe he'd misheard? He listened harder.

"Wait, what? What's that got to do with it?" Mumkhar asked, sounding confused. "Why can't we act before the Grand Prix?"

"Mumkhar..." Chair-voice growled out, "You are an idiot. You know that, right? You do realize that, don't you?"

"Yes, sir..."

"Repeat it."

"I'm an idiot..."

"At this very moment, smashers from all over the world are flooding into this country- you know how popular the sport is. The Government of Smashing will be checking, double-checking, triple-checking, and _quadruple_-checking everybody, and security will be tightened beyond measure to ensure the muggles notice nothing. Attempting to make our move in those conditions would be... unwise, to say the very least."

Now Mark was truly intrigued- while he still didn't fully understand what all these words meant, it was becoming increasingly clear that these people were planning something... something that didn't sound good at all. He began taking mental notes as the conversation continued, struggling to remember everything he could.

"So... we're really doing this, then?" Mumkhar asked, nerves showing in his voice.

"The plan has not altered since the last several times you asked me that, you simpleton."

For a moment, there was silence, then several words came tumbling out of Mumkhar's mouth in quick succession. "Well... maybewecoulddoitwithouttheboy,whatdyasay?"

"Repeat... except this time, so I can understand you."

Mumkhar took a deep breath, then spoke. "Perhaps... it would be easier if we did it without Mario Mario."

The air in the room seemed to freeze. "Without Mario Mario?" spoke the Chair-voice. "Well... when did you become so fond of the boy, Mumkhar?"

"Th-that... That ain't got nothing to do with it!" Mumkhar said quickly. "The boy can... the boy can die, for all I care, it's just... he's one of the heaviest-protected smashers anywhere! Now, if we were to use somebody else, then I could just hop out and pick somebody up, then come right back with them! I mean, just about anyone would do..."

"Well, that is most certainly true..."

Mumkhar looked more eager to speak his views now that the Chair-voice seemed, marginally, to be agreeing with him. "That's right, sir. Let's just forget about Mario Mario- you can worry about him when you get stronger. Right now, he's just so out of reach-"

He was cut off by laughter from the Chair-voice, laughter that he didn't seem to like any more than Mark did. "And you say you'll go out and find someone else for me? Awfully convenient, isn't it, that your plan involves leaving me? You know what _I _think, Mumkhar? I think that this plan of yours is just an excuse to get away from me!"

"O-of course not, sir!" Mumkhar said quickly, looking mortified. "It-it's just that-"

"Do not lie to me, Mumkhar," Chair-voice growled, all humor suddenly disappearing from his voice. "I know- you are beginning to regret returning to me! You are beginning to wish you'd left me where I was!"

"I- I would never-"

"For that matter, would you really have returned to me if you thought you'd had any other choice? The loyalty I receive from you, Mumkhar, is no more than cowardice!"

Mumkhar tried to splutter out some other words, as Chair-voice continued. "And where would it leave _me_ if you left, Mumkhar? I cannot perform the functions I require to survive on my own."

"You're much stronger than you were!"

"That would mean more if I'd had any strength in the first place," Chair-voice retorted, prompting Mumkhar to return to random spluttering. "I have only a fraction of my old strength back, and it would only take a few days alone to rob me of the little strength I _have _regained. SHUT UP!" the voice abruptly shouted, in the exact fashion of Smosh, and finally bringing an end to said spluttering.

Another moment of silence. Finally, Chair-voice broke it. "Now, I've explained this before, and I'll do it again- slowly, in the hope that this time, some of it might actually penetrate that brain of yours. I have my own reasons for using Mario Mario. I _am _aware that this will mean my plans will be delayed, but I have already waited thirteen years- I think I can wait a little longer. I am also aware that Mario Mario is under the heaviest protection that fool of a hand can provide... but my plan will be effective enough. All we need is for you to show a little courage for a change."

"And you trust me to do it?"

"Not particularly- I trust you to know what awaits you if you fail."

Mumkhar flinched. "Sir... I think I've spotted a flaw in the plan." Another moment passed, and, seeing that Chair-voice wasn't going to speak again, he broke it. "Adrian Andrews... her disappearance can't be covered up forever. They're bound to find out sooner or later, and when they do... and if I murder someone else on top of that-"

"Am I going mad, or did the word 'if' just escape your lips?" Chair-voice hissed. "If you perform as I expect you to, Mumkhar, the Government won't realize that anyone else has died until it's already too late. All you must do is act carefully and quietly. One more death, and the world is ours! You won't have to do it alone- when the time comes, my faithful servant will have returned..."

"I- I _am _faithful!" Mumkhar objected.

"Perhaps so, but for my purposes, I need someone who has never given me any reason to distrust them- someone with brains- descriptions, in other words, that do not apply to you."

The barest trace of anger crossed Mumkhar's face. "But... I'm the one who found you! I'm the one who brought you Adrian Andrews in the first place!"

"I will concede that," Chair-voice agreed. "And I would agree with you fully... if I thought for a moment you understood just how valuable she'd be to me. If I thought that your contribution to my plan was anything more than a happy accident."

"I thought she'd be useful-"

"Stop lying to me!" Another pause. "However, whether you knew or not, she _was _invaluable. Without her, we would not be in the position we are now, poised to take the world, should we act properly. Thusly, I _will _reward you- you will be allowed to perform a great service for me, one that many of my followers would give their hands to perform."

"You mean... you're going to kill me, too?" Mumkhar stuttered, fear entering his voice.

"Kill you?" Chair-voice laughed. "Why would I do that? I killed Adrian because we were left with no other choice. She was little more than a vegetable after we'd extracted all that information from her, you should know that- and if she was ever found again, she'd have a very interesting story to tell, about the supposedly dead smasher she'd met..."

A quiet muttering from Mumkhar later, and Chair-voice was back to laughing. "Change her memory?" he chortled. "You should know just as well as I do that alterations to memories are not permanent- you were there when I broke through her mental barriers, after all. Besides, you're the one who seems to want to dishonor her memory by not using the information we gathered from her!"

Mark was, at this point, frozen where he stood. He'd stumbled onto something big here... this guy who was talking, the guy in the chair, he was a maniac! He'd killed at least one person, and was planning to kill more! He was after this... this Mario Mario... strange name. Mark glanced over his shoulder. He'd have to get out of here, let someone know- if he didn't, this Mario Mario was in danger.

Finally, he turned, and was on the verge of returning to the stairs when he froze again- a dark figure was walking up the steps. As it rose up to the same floor Mark was on, it took everything he had to not shout in fear- it was a large, hulking, turtle-like creature, except made entirely of bones- with a small, flickering light in the eye sockets. It was also walking on its hind legs. Mark pulled into the shadows as much as he could, willing the creature to walk past... and then, miraculously, it did, ignoring him and heading straight into the room with the two conspirators.

Chair-voice was making some more noises- noises unidentifiable to Mark- a strange series of grunting and clicking noises, noises that seemed to be mirrored by the turtle-creature. A strange thought occurred to Mark, an impossible thought... but if it wasn't true, then what was going on here? Was it really possible that Chair-voice could talk to the bone-creature?

"Well," came Chair-voice once more. "Dry Bones has a very interesting story to tell me, Mumkhar."

"W-what's he sayin', sir?"

"According to Dry Bones here, there is a muggle standing right outside our door, eavesdropping on our conversation."

Mark made an attempt to hide himself, but before he could, the door was flung open, and Mumkhar appeared in the frame.

"Stand aside, Mumkhar, allow him in, be polite!"

Mumkhar did so, beckoning for Mark to enter. Behind him sat the chair with Chair-voice in it, with the... Dry Bones in the corner, watching with what appeared to be a quiet interest.

Mark took a deep breath, and walked over the threshold. He was starting to wonder if he'd be able to fight his way out- Mumkhar didn't look particularly strong, and, judging from the fact that his head didn't even rise over the back of his chair, Chair-voice seemed to be even smaller. The Dry Bones would be a bigger problem, but... well, Mark had seen plenty of strange things before. If it really came down to it...

"So, how much did you hear, muggle?"

"Muggle, huh? That's what you're calling me?"

"Muggle- you are not a smasher, thus, you are a muggle," Chair-voice explained, in the most snidely condescending voice he could muster.

"Well, I don't know what a 'smasher' is, but I'll tell you that I have a name- you can call me Markiplier, and I am _too _pro for the likes of you!" Mark didn't know where this courage was coming from- yeah, he'd seen plenty of strange things before, and it always seemed like, when the time came to confront them at last- all the fear he'd had disappeared. "You clearly don't know how pro I am! And I'll add this-" he said quickly. "I've got a lot of fans who will want to know what's happened if I don't come out of this alive- you'll have a lot to deal with if _I _disappear."

"All muggles," Chair-voice muttered snidely. "I can deal with anything you puny muggles throw at me. I am Tabuu, lord of the smashers, and-"

"Oh, what, you're calling yourself a 'Lord,' now, huh?" Mark laughed. "You're just crouching down behind that chair, like a loser, talking to this guy over here, like a loser, using a bunch of made-up words, like a loser, and acting like you're still all that and a case of Mountain Dew, _like a loser!_"

When 'Tabuu' spoke again, it was with fury in his voice. "You will not speak to me that way! I am so much more than you will ever be!"

"You say that, but you're still not even pro enough to face me like a man!"

"I am _not _a man- I am not even human. I am so, _so _much more than that. Perhaps you need a demonstration- Mumkhar, turn me around!"

Mark scoffed as Mumkhar loped over to the chair, and, looking reluctant, turned it around. Mark's scoffing turned to yelling as he saw the monstrosity within. "Holy BALLS!" he called out, terror making its way into his face as the monstrosity began to stretch out a large set of butterfly-shaped wings...

The next second, Mark collapsed to the floor, dead before he touched it. Tabuu's laughter rang out, and, many miles away, in the town with the strangest name in the country, Mario Mario awoke with a start.

_XXXX_

And thus begins the next installment of the Mario Mario series! Which, ironically enough, didn't include any Mario Mario in it until the very end! Ah, well. Anyways, quick announcement- as I noted in the opening notes, I _am _still writing the _Live Alive _mini-series, so that will be receiving updates alongside this story. Also, there are a couple of stories that I'll be re-uploading after being absent from my profile for a while, but I'll try to keep it to only two stories at a time- that way, I don't get so overwhelmed. So, for the first several chapters of this story, I _will _be running two stories at once- but I will also be giving this story the attention it deserves! Like I said, I've been looking forward to this one for a long time. Also, just to alert any newcomers and to remind those of you who are returning- we _are _running a Q&amp;A here, so if there's something about this story that's confusing you, like a line you're pretty sure was a reference, but you're not sure, feel free to ask it in reviews, and we of the Writing Gamer's Association (which is, unfortunately, back to consisting of just me and my cat,) will answer to the best of our abilities! Anyways, we've dragged this out long enough- see you next chapter, when this story will get a good 99% more actual Mario! Until then, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	2. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Gamer4 in! Coming at you live, from the legendary mountain of Ngranek, to bring you the next chapter of _Mario Mario and the Bottle of Lightning! _(Sponsored by Burger King chicken fries- I'd say I'm lovin' 'em, but that would be copied right in fridge mint. Because I clearly have so many issues with references. Anyone who reads my stories can tell you that.) Anyways, while I'm not busy ripping off famous Youtubers, I'm being indecisive about which story to write- I was originally going to get started on the last story of the _Live Alive _mini-series today, but the last chapter of this story kind of ended on a downer, and was pretty light on jokes, all things considered, and, of course, featured no actual appearances by its title character. So, in the spirit of trying to make this story actually feel like a _Mario Mario _story, I thought I'd come up with this story's next chapter a little early! Let's dive in!

Disclaimer: It's probably easy to tell that I was suffering some severe reference-withdrawal last chapter, considering how many I've already made in the opening notes alone- not to mention this chapter's title.

Chapter II

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Mario Mario sat bolt upright, shouting out, "I'm innocent!" For a long while, he looked around, and, realizing who he'd just imitated, blushed as he leaned back in his bed, hoping that his quote unquote 'relatives' hadn't woken up.

As he leaned back down, he became conscious of a searing pain on his forehead. Ah. He ran a hand over his forehead, and, sure enough, the pain was stemming from the M-shapes scar imprinted thereon. "Well," he muttered to himself, "_this _hasn't happened in a while."

Steadily, he rose and gazed out over the street below- a street on the edge of the town of Peach Creek, which was, to this day, the-

"Oh, come on, you're really going to give them _this _spiel again?" Mario muttered, bumping his head against the window. "Yeah, we know, we get it, the town's got a weird name, no peaches or creeks anywhere near it- don't you think we know by now? This _is _only the fourth freaking story, isn't it?"

The narrator froze, then slowly announced that he was the one telling the story, and if Mario didn't like it, then he could kindly go hammer a Pikachu.

Mario shook his head. "Whatever," he muttered, placing a hand over the scar on his forehead and rubbing it gently. As he was gazing out on Peach Creek. Which is a very oddly named town. Because it doesn't have a history with peaches. Or have any creeks near it, for that matter. And, just because, I'm going to say that again, nice and slowly- Peach...Creek... is... a...

"Shut up!" Mario shouted, once again in the style of Smosh. "Geez, thought I had the worst of it listening to that freaking Giga Koopa all year- this guy puts the Giga Koopa to shame!"

Shaking his head, he decided to ignore the narrator for as long as the story would allow, and instead turned to the mirror in the room. A fourteen-year-old boy looked back at him, looking pretty agitated at the moment. He was dressed in a red shirt and overalls and wore a pair of white gloves. He also had some nice, dark hair- both on his head and growing out on his upper lip. He'd been steadily growing peach fuzz on his face throughout the previous story- er, year... and then, during the summer, it had suddenly begun its transformation into a full-fledged moustache- though, as far as he was concerned, it could still use some work. As for the hair on his head, it fell over his forehead, and the aforementioned M-shaped scar. Normally, or so Mario thought, the scar, being, after all, almost a decade and a half old, had faded- for the most part. However, at the moment, it was standing out, bright and red, against the rest of his face.

However, even as he looked, the pain began to fade. He returned to his bed, plopped himself down, and began struggling to remember the dream that had awoken him. He couldn't remember much about it- something about an old, creepy house that looked like something out of _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_, a room lit by a fireplace... another head shake. It was one of those accursed situations where, the more he struggled to recall it, the more details slid away.

Random words floated into his mind- "Adrian... Mumkhar... Tabuu... Hawley-Smoot tariff..."

Abruptly, Mario looked back up at the narrator. "No."

What? I didn't even say anything this time.

"No. It's been three stories, I know you, and _no, _we are _not _doing that!"

Doing what?

"I see your mind," Mario snarled, slipping into a sudden Boromir impersonation. "You're trying to make the 'Hawley-Smoot tariff' into the next 'Harry Potter headscratchers page on tvtropes!' Well, I'm _not _going to let that happen!"

Who, me? Do something like that? You can't see it, because as far as you're concerned, I'm just a disembodied voice, but there's a halo over my head right now! Me, run a joke into the ground? Perish the thought!

...

...

...

...

Heh, Hawley-Smoot tariff.

Mario shook his head and returned to his former policy of ignoring the narrator. Now, about the rest of the dream...

He knew Tabuu had been involved- Tabuu and Mumkhar, two of the people that he hated most in the world. Well, it would make sense if he had a nightmare involving them- those two uniting had been a lurking terror in the back of his mind ever since Mumkhar had gotten away at the end of the previous story. But that didn't explain how the famous Youtube celebrity had gotten involved...

Mario glanced around his room, looking for anything strange or out of place. A cage with an albatross in it? No, perfectly normal. A pair of keys, which, when turned in midair, would summon the greatest model of kart in the world to him, with him already at the driver's seat? Nah, he'd been using that for half a year now. Books and books detailing how to shatter the laws of science? Give it three years for that... some very... interesting magazines under the bed? Sorry, he was normal!

... He liked Garfield as much as the next guy!

Mario picked up and examined one of the books– where one of the pictures was moving, detailing a team of seven men and women driving around in karts tossing balls back and forth and shooting at large black steel spheres with eyes and humongous mouths and appropriately huge teeth. Was this abnormal? No, not for him- he shut the book and returned it to the pile. He loved Smash-Up as much as the next person, and significantly more than others, but he was in the middle of trying to piece his dream together.

It wasn't like he was bothered by pain- as the main character of a series like that, a great deal of both drama and humor relied on him being the Universe's punching bag. Being mutilated by giant metal balls, bitten by giant, poisonous, electricity-conducting turtles, tossed around by a previously-trusted two-faced psychic, and almost having his soul sucked out by floating freaks of nature? All part of the job description. But the thing was, it had been two years since his scar had seared like this, and the resurgence of the pain reminded him that the last time it had happened, it had been because- if the Master Hand was to be believed- Tabuu was near...

Have we stepped a bit ahead? I get the feeling we have. Mario, as you may have guessed at the moment, was a smasher. What's a smasher? Well, smashers are beings throughout the universe, of which humanity is only a small part, who possess abilities that defy the normal laws of science. It wasn't everyone that could cast spells, call items to them from hammerspace, throw fireballs from their hands, or be a giant turtle with spikes coming from one's shell. For three years, now, he'd been attending the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing, a school dedicated to helping young smashers to control their powers.

And, if there was one name from the dream he remembered very well, it was the name of Tabuu, the most feared smasher in the entire world. Ever. Bar none. The only person who even came close to competing was former Dark Lord Great Darkness Mr. Kill, Porky Minch, who held the distinction of being curbstomped so badly by the Master Hand, often considered the greatest smasher in the world, that today, nobody remembered him in comparison to what came next. Tabuu had swiftly risen to steal the throne, known the world over for his brutality and tendency towards finding every way to be evil in the book and re-inventing them in new, increasingly cruel ways.

When Mario had only been about a year old, Tabuu had suddenly developed an interest in him. And no, not like that. He didn't want to... do things with him... he wanted to kill him. Badly. He wanted to kill him _dead. _That's worse. His parents had gone into hiding, but thanks to their winnicot traitor of a friend, Mumkhar Virgil, it hadn't helped that much. And so, one fateful Halloween night, Tabuu had managed to hunt them down to Gem Heights, where they were staying, and kill them- kill them all. He'd killed Mario's father, Jake, followed by his mother, Sarah, then turned his evil self on Mario himself, and... failed to kill him. He'd given it his best effort, but against all odds, the wave of destruction intended for Mario had turned back on him, destroying his body and leaving his spirit in a nasty position. Unfortunately, as Mario knew, that didn't mean much to the most evil smasher ever- despite supposedly being dead, he kept finding new and creative ways to intrude back into his life.

Mario shook his head. "You think that's enough exposition?"

Yeah, sure, that oughtta cover it for now.

Mario sighed. In the newfound silence, he pricked his ears, listening for something- even he wasn't sure what. Something from his dream just now seemed to have spooked him- hearing that Tabuu was, once again, plotting his demise? Yeah, something he kind of expected, but still...

From the next room over, he heard a grunting snore from his cousin, Bill, and the spell of terror broke. Mario facepalmed, smacking himself in the head for being so stupid. There was nothing to be afraid of, he was alone in the house with his Uncle John, Aunt Kate, and his cousin, Bill. Actually, strike that- he'd prefer it if Tabuu was here to kill him.

These relatives of his were only relatives in the loosest possible sense of the word. Kate _was_ his mother's sister, and... that's where the similarities to a regular family ended. The Smiths were _vehemently _anti-smasher. If there was anything even slightly out of the ordinary, they didn't want anything to do with it- and there was nothing more out of the ordinary than the smasher world. Was there anything good about them? Well, they were asleep at the moment... that was about it.

Mario's eyes continued roving around his room, eventually falling on the birthday cards that his friends from school, Link Faron and Zelda Hyrule, had been sure to send him. That brought some peace to his mind. For a moment, he toyed with the idea of sending a letter to one of them for advice about his scar. After a moment of thought, he dismissed the idea- neither of them was entirely certain how his scar worked- for that matter, he hardly had any idea himself. As far as he knew, he was the only person in the world to have survived an attack on titan- er, an attack like the one Tabuu had launched on him. The best piece of advice he could really get from them would be to appeal to the Master Hand- an idea he could have formulated on his own. But the Master Hand was among the most important smashers in the world- what could he say that would really convey his worries without it sounding puerile?

Appealing to Link was actually even less appealing than appealing to Zelda, as, if Link knew, he was certain to appeal to his family for advice, and he didn't want the Farons to worry about him- except for Rob, who didn't really seem to care about anything, and Kirby and Meta Knight, who would simply make jokes about the time he'd written a letter to their brother detailing the fear he had... of his scar twinging.

Mario leaned back in his bed, knocking his head against the wall. Who to appeal to? Who to talk to about his strange dream, and his scar hurting afterwards? If only he had someone like a parent to appeal to...

Then again, maybe it really was just that- a dream. After all, Markiplier had been involved, and he _had _been on a Markiplier binge lately- it had been a recommendation by his... god...father...

Mario facepalmed. Well, _there _was his answer. If there was one person he could appeal to without fear of scorn or overbearing worry, who might have something in the way of real advice to offer him, it was his godfather, Roy Alluvia. He quickly moved to a writing desk he'd set up nearby, cleared everything off of it, got out a pen and paper, and began writing.

...Ten minutes later, all he'd managed was, _Dear Roy._ It was here that he returned to his earlier issue- how, exactly, to put his feelings into words.

Now that he got around to thinking about it-

"Oh, good, _more _exposition," Mario interrupted ruefully.

...

Now that he got around to thinking about it, it might not actually be that surprising that it had taken him so long to consider Roy. He'd only found out about his godfather a month or two ago. Mario's nagging at me, so I guess I won't give you the big, long description that everything else has gotten so far, but I'll offer up a quick summary- for twelve years after the death of Mario's parents, the smasher world had labored under the delusion that Roy, rather than Mumkhar, had been the one to sell out Mario's parents to Tabuu. Nothing could be further from the truth- he'd actually been playing a game, very close to his chest, to make his parents even safer, but it had all fallen apart due to - once again- Mumkhar. It had been Mumkhar that had orchestrated events to make it appear that Roy was the traitor. Mario, ashamed as he was to admit it, had spent a great deal of the previous year under the same delusion, until the very end, when the truth had come out. For a brief moment, everything had seemed perfect- Mumkhar was going to be turned in, Roy could get his sentence overturned, and Mario would have been able to leave Peach Creek for good- but fate was less kind. In fact, it had directly intervened, ensuring that Mumkhar escaped, and Roy had to go back on the lam. Mario had spent the first several days at Peach Creek singing to himself: "What hurts the most, is being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you fly away, and knowing what could have been..."

Not that it had all been for nought- at the very least, Roy wasn't in prison anymore, and he was still alive, with his soul still firmly intact. And it was also down to him that the Smiths were allowing him to do his smashing homework in broad daylight now- after all, when Mario had related the story of his previous year to them, it was the darndest thing- he'd somehow forgotten to mention that Roy had never actually killed anybody. In fact, this information kept blacking out from his mind every time he was around them.

In the month and a half since his departure, Roy had sent two letters to Mario- both of which arrived via Moltres, a brilliant fire pokemon. It made Mario wonder how Roy was spending his time, now that he was free. He knew, firsthand, that floows, the dreaded guards of Subspace prison who would no doubt be after Roy, weren't fond of fire- perhaps that was why Roy had tracked down the Moltres in the first place- though the first letter had opened up by heaping paragraphs of abuse on the bird for not staying in the ball. _Seriously, did it think I had anything _better _to do than sit there all day trying to cram a six-foot-tall bird into a thing the size of a baseball? _he'd raged. But aside from that, Roy sounded happy, and assured him that Epona, another escaped (innocent) convict, who happened to be a loftwing, was enjoying herself as well. He'd also repeatedly emphasized that if Mario ever needed anything, he would be there for him.

Finally, Mario looked down at his finished letter. It was no masterpiece, but he didn't feel that it was overly bad.

_Dear Roy, _(it ran,)

_Thanks for the letters. It's always nice to get mail from other smashers- freaking Smiths. I'd never even seen a Moltres before this. Brilliant pokemon._

_Uncle John and Aunt Kate finally gave into Bill's school's peer pressure, and put him on a diet. It's... not going that well. He's trying to smuggle things in his pockets, which would probably work out better if he wasn't trying to smuggle entire cases of Mountain Dew and chocolate bars the size of the average refrigerator. What ya gonna do. Yesterday, he got so mad about it that he chucked his gaming system out of the window- I'd tell you its real name, but I'm trying to avoid a time paradox here, so I'll just call it... a gamestation. Yeah. Not sure what he was thinking, now he doesn't even have that one game... er, what was it? Xeno Gear Solid part 4: End of Evangelion to keep his mind off of things. _

_Anyways, enough Bill news. What I really wanted to say is that I woke up from a weird dream this morning- if you're curious, it's this story's first chapter- and my scar was hurting. Not overly bad, but the thing is, the last time this happened, it was because Tabuu was around me- and I don't think he is now. Any advice? I don't know, do scars caused by curses just spasmodically start hurting again years afterwards? _

_I'll send this with Parakarry when he gets back- he's flying to the author's house to make sure his name stays consistent through this story. Hope to hear from you soon! _

_Mario._

_P.S.: You were right, Mark's run-through of Octodad was brilliant. Can't wait to see what his next Let's Play is._

Mario gave a brief nod as he folded the paper and placed it in an envelope. Again, not a masterpiece, but it conveyed his feelings well enough. He laid it down on his desk, like a bridge over troubled waters, before standing and stretching. It was about time to head down to breakfast.

"Thank the Wave Existence," he muttered. "I'm out of here."

You know, this reminds me of the time-

"No, no more exposition! Just end the chapter right now!"

This reminds me of the time-

Mario strained for a moment, then suddenly burst out, "Your mother is a *************** aim ************* Lip's Stick and *************** cracker launcher ************** wood heart **************** hippopotamus *********** republican *********** Nintendo *************** with a bucket of ****************** and a boo's house far away, where no one can hear you ******************** tea ************** with a bucket of *********************** Solid Snake **************** screw attack ************ unnatural ************** alakazam!" With his breath heaving, he turned, left, and shut the door.

... Well, there's no need to get _personal. _

Mario opened the door and shouted back in, "And so's your sister!" before turning and slamming the door again.

Meh, Stormwish is a jerk anyways.

"And your pets!"

Smokey! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-

_XXXX_

Okay, I've got my fill of references now, including to some of my own older stuff, so I'll just step in before this chapter gets any stranger. Kind of short, but hey, it was the opening exposition chapter- to Mario's chagrin. Yep, Mario Mario, now with 99% more actual Mario! Hopefully, things are even less cleared up than they were before, but to let me know, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!


	3. A Letter from the Farons

Gamer4 in! I can just feel it right now- I was going out for a walk when the heavens opened up and God said, "Gamer4-" Yeah, God calls me Gamer4, I didn't know if you knew that- "Gamer4," he said, "Thou shalt not go on a walk today. Instead, thou shalt write more Mario Mario!" So, I did what anyone would do- I went back inside and started playing Xenosaga. Then, the game simply turned to me and said, "Gamer4-" Yeah, my games call me that, too, I didn't know if you knew that- "Didn't you hear God? Thou shalt not play Xenosaga right now- thou shalt go and write more Mario Mario." Then they topple-locked me and annihilated me without me even getting a chance to attack. Taking the subtle hint, I came up here to write some Mario Mario. All joking aside, I'm really feeling it today (#Shulk4SmashBros.4), so let's dive right in!

Disclaimer: What, you want a disclaimer from me? I just put a hashtag on fanfiction, and I'm a good 99.99999998% sure that this site doesn't support hashtags. If anyone wants to correct me on that one, feel free.

Chapter III

A Letter from the Farons

It was a dark and stormy night. Rain lashed against the windows as a figure sat at a desk by a fire. He was carefully writing out a letter:

_Dear Mario Mario,_

_You are cordially invited to Ordon Cottage for dinner with several other smashers of the world. Come to 333 Ordona Lane. You may bring one or two friends. _

As he finished the letter, he placed it in an envelope, just as the door behind him opened and another figure entered- a strange-looking robot. "Why is the weather suddenly so bad?" the robot monotoned. "It was bright and sunny just a minute ago!"

"Oh, I did that to give this scene a little more atmosphere," the letter-writer, a young man with blond hair and dressed in green, said. "Creepy guy writing a letter in the middle of a storm, you know."

"You are distracting me!" the robot objected. "Let me read this letter!" the robot seized the letter and scanned it. "Too formal," he said. "Even _I _think this is too formal! What do you think this is, _Murder by Smashing_?"

"You mean it's not?" the boy in green blinked.

"Of course not! Look at the title! It's right up there!"

The boy in green looked up, then shook his head. "Geez, you try to be a little unique, and see where it gets you? Alright, I'll rewrite the stupid letter."

"And let the weather get good again- I have important work that will alter the world for generations to come!"

"Ooh, I bet," the boy in green smirked, though he spoke only once the robot was out of earshot. "Alright, letter to Mario, take two!"

_Hey, Mario, how's it going? Alright, enough formalities, here's the lowdown..._

XXXX

Meanwhile, millions of miles away...

Mario sighed as he entered the kitchen to find the Smiths already awake. He was hoping he'd awoken early enough to just grab his own breakfast and be on his way before they'd even begun to toss and turn. But, no such luck- Aunt Kate was already up and preparing a very, very small breakfast, while Uncle John read the newspaper and Bill sulked. A breakfast consisting of half a banana for each member of the family.

I sense... an opportunity... for exposition! Bill was particularly unhappy these days- things had gone wrong for him ever since the last report card of the year from his school. Uncle John and Aunt Kate had made the usual pathetic excuses for their son's bad grades and the multiple accusations of bullying, but the school nurse had devised a cunning strategy to get them to listen to her on the subject of Bill's... girth. What about it? Well, frankly, we could say that he was a little overweight, but that would be like saying Freddy Fazbear gets a little ticked off at security guards. Or, possibly, that the Hawley-Smoot tariff has the best name of anything in world history, ever.

Hold up, just noticed that Mario has appeared next to me with a _very _threatening handful of fire that is _very _close to my face, and I would just like to note that after due consideration, the Hawley-Smoot tariff doesn't have _that _great a name, and we will not be referring to it for the remainder of the story. So _please_ don't immolate me!

Mario sighed and turned back into the kitchen. Back to the exposition.

So, the school nurse, having noticed what should have been blatantly obvious to anyone with functional retinas, came up with a brilliant ploy to make Bill's parents actually listen to her- telling them that Bill was in serious danger of health problems if things continued in the same direction they were going. Yeah, John and Kate didn't care about his grades or whether he routinely victimized _other _people's children, but when it came to his _personal _welfare, their concern was second to none.

And so it came to be that this transition was used for the first time in this story, and the Smith household began following a strict diet supplied by the school nurse. In an effort to make Bill feel a little better about everything, Kate had insisted that everyone in the house follow the diet as well.

Today's breakfast, as noted, was bananas- half a banana for each member of the family. Mario was tempted to snark when he noticed that the 'half a banana' supplied for him was just the edge of the banana she was cutting up between him and Bill, but managed to resist- it wasn't like it would matter. Another little bonus that Kate had thrown in was to ensure that Bill did, at least, always get more to eat than Mario.

Not that Mario particularly cared. The previous summer, he'd made use of a 'secret compartment' (read: loose floorboard) beneath his bed to hide his smasher things. Of course, this summer, thanks to Roy, he was allowed to do his homework in the open, leaving the compartment empty and falling into disuse- until Mario found out about the diet. The moment the Smiths had dropped that bombshell on him, he'd sent letters to all his friends via albatross for assistance. They had all responded fantastically, keeping him supplied with enough food to last him through the summer with ease- though he'd put Crazy's contributions aside for the rainiest of days- the hand was good at making soda, but aside from that, it was never a good idea to trust his cooking.

On his birthday, he'd received four large cakes, one from Link, one from Zelda, one from Crazy (actually pretty decent, at that,) and one from Roy. Mario had to wonder how Roy had gotten hold of it- had he baked it himself? Must have- it wouldn't exactly be easy for one of the most notorious criminals ever to walk into a bakery and order it. They'd all been fantastic, and Mario still had some left. Not the healthiest of breakfasts, rating only slightly above Big Kahuna Burgers, but it was better than the corner of a single banana, so Mario wasted no time in downing it.

Meanwhile, John grimaced as he looked up from the paper to see that breakfast today consisted entirely of a single half banana. "This all?"

Aunt Kate silenced him with a glower, and by flicking her eyes over at where Bill was glaring at his banana like he was trying to melt it. John gave a grumble and bit into his banana, only to be distracted by the doorbell ringing. "What? Who'd be coming by at this time of day..." John grumbled as he stood and headed to the door. Mario had to wonder himself- the Smiths didn't get many visitors. Bill rarely brought his friends home, for fear of exposing them to Mario, and the Smiths in general weren't particularly well-liked by the public. Hard to imagine, I know, with their charming personalities, but that was the case.

And so it came to be that Mario lingered downstairs a little longer than he'd initially planned, wondering exactly who it could be, now, and watching with no amount of surprise as Bill snatched up John's banana.

Whoever it was, John was having some sort of conversation with them, in a tone of voice that might imply that he was trying to put on the facade of good humor, but, as anyone who knew him could tell you, he didn't have a funny bone in his body- he could bump his elbow all he wanted without fear of that pain.

Finally, the conversation was wrapped up with a dry, humorless laugh, the door shut, and John appeared in the entrance to the kitchen, looking furious as he beckoned Mario into the living room. "Boy... here... now!"

Mario was confused- what could he have _possibly _done this time?- but followed his uncle into the living room nonetheless, whereupon he took a seat in front of the electric fireplace.

John towered over Mario, trying to look as menacing as possible as he reached into his pocket. Mario gave an inward sigh- the Smiths may have intimidated him once, but after three straight years of dealing with insane pokemon, giant eldritch abominations, and with the lurking thought that a mass murderer was out for his blood, they had begun to lose their effect. As C.S. Lewis would say, being frightened of the Smiths at this point would be like being frightened by a worm after having nearly been bitten by a rattlesnake.

So John's intimidation show was lost on him as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter. "It's about you," he growled. "That was the mailman, just now."

Well, that was a little confusing to Mario- which he conveyed by raising a single eyebrow. He didn't know who'd send a letter about him to the Smiths- let alone via muggle mailman. "Okay..."

John looked down the letter one last time, grimacing as he thrust it forward for Mario to read. Mario shrugged and accepted it.

_Dear Mr. Smith, _(it ran,)

_You don't know me, but you've probably heard all about Link, my son, from Mario. As for something else he's probably told you, the finals of the Smash-Up Grand Prix are fast approaching- the match takes place less than a week from now. My husband, Rusl, managed to talk to a friend of his who's organizing the event, and get some nice tickets. _

_It's been thirty-three years since our great country of _(the following word seemed to have been torn through when John ripped it out of his pocket) _hosted the finals, so seeing them comes close to a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. In addition, we'd be glad to take him for the rest of Summer vacation, and make sure he gets to the Great Fox when the time for the next school year comes around. _

_We hope to receive an answer from you soon- it would probably be best if Mario sent us a letter the normal way, because we don't typically see any mailmen out here, especially not muggle ones. _

_Hoping to see you all soon!_

_Uli Faron_

_P.S.: Hope you like the stamps._

"Hope you like... the stamps?" Mario wondered out loud, running a hand over the last line.

In response, Uncle John reached into his pocket again, produced the envelope the letter had come in, and threw it into Mario's lap. Mario glanced down at it, and subsequently hid his breakdown of laughter behind one of his gloved hands. Stamps was right. Stamps all over the envelope, covering every square centimeter of space. Even the address was scribbled onto one that just happened to be a little blanker than the others. On the inside of the envelope... more stamps. Even the inside of the envelope was papered with the things. They all depicted various different scenes- a space bounty hunter fighting a large, metal dragon, a young woman with a whip fighting a young man with a sword, strange creatures that resembled a cross between human and fish, but not quite merpeople, and a large, twisting labyrinth.

"Well... some pretty nice artwork on these stamps," Mario choked out through throbs of silent laughter.

John was much less amused. "That's why the mailman rang the doorbell- he wanted to know who sent this letter."

Mario shook his head, some of the laughter directing itself at John. Most people wouldn't consider it all that big of a deal. Eccentric, certainly, but nothing to make a fuss over. John, however, despite his insistence to the contrary, was not most people. If there was anything that could even vaguely connect him with the world of the smashers, it was likely to set him off. Even if that something was someone who really, really liked stamps.

Finally, Mario forced back his laughter. He didn't want to anger his uncle too much- he distinctly recalled the last time he'd done so, and had gone through the next year having to sneak into the smashers' village of Kurain due to not having his permission. While this was, of course, a different scenario entirely, the Farons _had _asked for his permission, so...

Finally, seeing that John wasn't about to break the silence, Mario took the initiative, asking, "So... can I go?"

Mario found himself quietly enjoying the show going on in Uncle John's face- it looked like one half of said face was arguing with the other half. Mario, of course, was no expert on the inner workings of Uncle John's mind, but he thought he knew pretty well what was going on. John had... quite the dilemma on his hands here, and no matter which choice he ultimately decided on, something would be gained, and something would be lost. He could almost imagine it as a game show, with John being offered a choice of two doors: Door 1, refuse Mario, keeping him back at Peach Creek and not allowing him to see the Smash-Up Grand Prix. Benefit- Mario would be kept miserable, something that had been his priority for fourteen years, now. However, that also deprived him of the benefits of door 2. Door 2: Allow Mario to go to the Farons' for the summer and watch the Smash-Up Grand Prix. Benefit- Mario gets out of the house about a month earlier than he'd ever hoped- he hated having the young pyromancer-in-training anywhere near him. However, at the same time, it was only with him near that he could reap the benefits of keeping him miserable. Hmmm... something that we need, that makes life better but can be undesirable if it gets out of hand? Maybe Mario had more in common with fire than we thought.

Either choice could be either right or wrong by John's ideals, and Mario could see the time paradox forming in his eyes. He could almost hear Colonel Campbell crying out, "John, you can't do that! You'll create a time paradox!" And then, of course, because John hated anything to do with the smasher world, including timely (or otherwise) references, it was just adding to the dilemma.

Finally, seemingly to give himself more thinking time than anything else, John asked, "Uli... who is this woman? I've never heard of her."

"She's my friend's mom," Mario explained. "The kid with the blond hair who's always dressed in green? She met him when we were getting back from the Sma- er, Arkham, last year." Mario was loathe to follow John's stupid rule of always referring to his school as Arkham, but again, he was trying to keep him happy.

John frowned- it was clearly among the memories he'd rather not have. "Short woman? Kind of fat?"

Mario's straight-man side roared into life, demanding that Mario immediately point out the irony in any relative of Bill's referring to _anybody _as 'kind of fat.' However, Mario was steadily learning to control his straight man side- a battle more fierce than that to control his actual smasher powers- and thus simply nodded.

"Smash-Up," John continued his muttering. "Smash-Up... it _would _have something to do with smash... what the heck _is _it, though?"

Abruptly, the narrator burst in, wearing a freakishly large grin, and cheering, "I can explain! Smash-Up is a sport played on karts-"

There was a gunshot, and the narrator only narrowly got out of the way, before quickly making his way back out of the house. Mario looked up at John, holding said gun, which he vividly remembered as being the same gun he'd tried to use on the Crazy Hand three years earlier- to much less success.

"Anything to say about _that, _boy?" John growled.

"No, actually, if you hadn't done that, I'd have done it myself," Mario affirmed. He disagreed with his uncle on many counts, but at least they agreed on one thing: the narrator could go... er... no, I'm not transcribing that! This is abuse of the narrator! I refuse!

Anyways, it seemed that John wouldn't allow the use of the word 'karts' in his home, at least not that spelling. Maybe if the narrator had pronounced it with a 'c,' he'd have been more open. Ah, well, too little, too late.

John went back to frowning at the letter. "Any point in asking what the hell she means by 'the normal way?'"

"Wait," Mario gasped, looking up at his uncle. "What did you just say?"

"What does she mean by 'the normal way?'"

"No, no, what did you say, exactly? Did you actually just say 'hell?'"

"Yes. What of it?"

Mario blinked. He'd forgotten this story was going to be rated T. "Never mind," he shook his head, privately getting started on recalling his list of jokes and things to say once the story had stepped up in rating. He knew for a fact that Kirby and Meta Knight, two of Link's brothers, had such a list. "Anyways, before we get any further off track," Mario continued, shaking his head again, trying to remember what they'd been talking about in the first place, "she probably means that she wants me to send a letter with Parakarry. You know, letters by albatross- perfectly normal for smashers."

John flinched as the final word graced his ears. He looked very much like many smashers did when they heard Tabuu's name. He glanced nervously from side to side, as though that single word was the incantation that would bring his home crashing to the ground.

"How many times have I told you to refrain from mentioning that word in our house?!" he growled.

Mario sighed. "Oh, come on, it's not like it's a word everyone associates with the supernatural- I mean, if it was wizards, or something like that, I'd see where you were coming from, but this is just the word 'smash' over and over again! Nobody could possibly guess what we were talking about!"

"You dare... you dare..." Uncle John was starting to get really and truly angry. "You dare to throw all our hospitality back in our face? Fourteen long years, giving you the food off our tables, providing you with Bill's second bedroom, putting clothes on your ungrateful back, all out of the goodness of our hearts?!" As he ranted, he placed his hand on his chest.

Mario's straight man side finally won the mental battle, and he raised his hands, ticking everything off on his fingers, one by one. "Only the bare minimum of food for me to not starve, you only gave me that room because you thought it would stop the letters from coming, you only gave me clothes that Bill had finished with already, and they're always a good twelve sizes too big for me, and, just to wrap it all up, _your heart's on the other side of your chest!_"

John looked furious, but looked down nonetheless. Sure enough, he'd placed his hand on the wrong side. He then looked back up at Mario, breathing heavily like a rhino. "You... will...not... speak to me... that way!"

Once again, Mario may have once been frightened off by this, but not anymore. He'd seen much worse than the Smiths before, and he wasn't going to let them stand in the way of him going to see the Grand Prix. However, he _was _capable of thinking things through. He leaned back in his chair, raising his hands, and, returning to his previous calm state, spoke the following words: "Okay, I see how it is. I can't go. In that case, may I be dismissed, sir? It's just, I've got a letter I was writing to Roy I need to finish up- you know, my godfather."

Mario gave an inward grin as these words registered with his uncle. Paydirt. John's anger faded away, giving place to a looming terror. "Ah. Your godfather. You're writing him, hm?" He tried to sound stoic, but the effect was ruined somewhat by the obvious terror in his expression.

"Oh, yeah," Mario nodded. "It's been a while, I don't want him to think anything's gone wrong, so..."

He felt like he was playing a game of chess... and all his pieces had suddenly become queens. He had to say the right thing, but really, Roy was the trump card- once he entered the conversation, he'd already won. The conclusion wasn't one he'd come to himself- he could see it forming on John's face as well. The doors had suddenly shifted: Door 1, Prevent Mario from going, and prevent him from writing to Roy, and have the axe-crazy maniac turn up thinking something was wrong. Door 2, Prevent Mario from going, but allow him to write to Roy and tell him he wasn't allowed to go to the Grand Prix, and have the axe-crazy maniac turning up knowing something was wrong. The only thing left, then, was Door 3...

John caved. "Alright, you write your letter, let these Farons know I give my consent. But you tell them that they're coming to pick you up!" he added, as if in some vain attempt to retain some dignity. "I'm not going to be going around the country, dropping you off god-alone-knows-where... And you tell your godfather, too. Tell him you're going."

"I'll do that," Mario nodded, trying to keep his face straight. He managed it until he passed by Bill on the way upstairs- the boy had been lurking nearby, probably hoping to hear John chewing him out. Mario patted his cousin on the shoulder on the way up, saying, "Well, nice breakfast, wouldn't you say? I'm stuffed- I couldn't eat another bite- I have to take my belt off!"

At the look of sheer bewilderment on Bill's face, Mario finally cracked, his face breaking into a smile. He almost jumped up all the stairs with a "Yahoo!" Victory achieved, he was going to be leaving this place a month early! A month early, moreover, to go to Ordon Cottage- his second-favorite building in the world! A month early to go to Ordon Cottage, moreover, where he would then go to see the finals of the most anticipated smasher event of the year!

He was on the point of whistling as he made his way into his room, where the story, almost as though thinking it had to stop him from getting _too _happy, sent an albatross into his head at 90 miles an hour. He hit the floor before looking back up to see a small albatross with mutant yellow feathers speeding around his room. His mouth opened slightly as he watched it flounder around in the air, cartoon-style, for a few moments before re-orienting itself and continuing to fly around at the speed of sound. Mario blinked, and, with skill born from three years as the Nintendo team's seeker, reached out and plucked it out of the air. As he examined it in his hands, he thought that it looked familiar, though he couldn't exactly place why. He noted that the strange albatross had a letter in its beak, which he casually accepted before releasing the albatross. He then heard an indignant squawk, and looked up to see that Parakarry was back, and currently standing on his dresser. The strange yellow albatross had attempted to tackle him and nuzzle him with love and affection- none of which Parakarry seemed keen on reciprocating. Mario shook his head in bewilderment and glanced down at the note.

_Hey, Mario, how's it going? Alright, enough with the formalities, here's the lowdown... _

_Dad got the tickets! Talked to a friend of his in the Government, and we're in! Smash-Up Grand Prix finals- Germany vs. Mobius! Mom's already sent a letter to the muggles to ask them if you can come over to watch it, not sure if you have it yet. If you do, then I guess you already knew that. Anyways, that was just a red herring invitation- this is the real deal, sent to you directly by Riki- his maiden flight. Huzzah._

Mario glanced up at the yellow albatross. Riki? He knew about Bootler and Flurrie, the other two albatrosses owned by the Farons, but who was this Riki? Not anyone he'd heard of before... not even from the Paper Mario series, the most important criteria for any albatross's name! Shaking it off, he returned to the letter.

_Here's the thing, though- it would be sacrilege if you missed out on this- it's the first time in thirty-three years our country's hosted the tournament, it's not something you get to see every day. So, whether the muggles say yes or no, we're coming to get you. Mom and Dad just figured it would be more polite if we at least pretended to ask first. So, send your answer, and we'll be there on Sunday, 3:33 sharp- what, you expected a different time? Too bad, Faron time! Anyways, see you soon!_

_Link._

Mario smiled and quickly moved to his desk, writing out a response letter.

_Link-_

_It's all good, the Smiths gave us the all-clear. See you on Sunday._

_Mario._

With this done, he reached up and caught the yellow-feathered albatross, putting a new letter in its beak. "Take this back, will ya?" he asked. The albatross gave a delighted squawk as he headed over to the window, wound up like a baseball pitcher, and tossed it out as hard as he could.

Next, he turned to his other letter- the one to Roy. He added something to the very bottom:

_P.P.S.: If you need to talk to me, I'll be at Ordon Cottage for the rest of the Summer- Link's Dad got tickets to the Smash-Up Grand Prix!_

Finishing the letter off, he turned to Parakarry. "Hey, buddy. I know you just got back, but I really need this letter to get to Roy. Mind heading off again?"

Parakarry gave a slight nod, jumping down to where Mario could attach the letter to his leg. Mario gave him a few strokes and headed to the window, where he allowed the bird to take flight of his own accord. He smiled as he watched the albatrosses fly away- one majestically, one looking like he was the lost Loony Toon- and turned to collapse onto his bed. To think he'd started off this morning worrying about some stupid dream- and now, here he was, ready to eat cake when all Bill had was a banana, about to leave the Smiths a month early to head off to Ordon Cottage and watch the Smash-Up Grand Prix. His life had been full of ups and downs for the past few years, but, just this once, everything was really going his way.

_XXXX_

Maybe it's just me, but this is the chapter that feels the most like a true _Mario Mario _story to me. Maybe that's just because this is the first time we've had recognizable characters really interacting- even if some of those characters were the Smiths. But things will probably get much better next chapter, when the Farons come into the picture! Yeah, I always look forward to seeing Mario get back to the smasher world- things are just more interesting there. Anyways, we have a few questions today, but they've all either been answered by the chapter itself, are spoilers for something coming up, or both. Or neither. I don't know what I'm talking about, and I just noticed a spider descending towards me as I write, so I'll just hurry up, end this, and upload it before I kindly go to whimper in my bed until I pass out- like a true arachniphobe. See you all next chapter! Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, much more than flames, Gamer4 out!


	4. Warp Pipe Dreams

Gamer4 in. Well, it looks like I owe you guys an apology. I was _not _intending to leave this story unupdated for so long. Unfortunately, this really seems to be my thing, as much as I try to break the habit. Fortunately, I have, at least, gotten better since _Dungeon of Secrets- _anyone who was following this series at that point will remember how painful _that _was. The worst thing is, I don't even really have an excuse this time- I was just off doing some introspection. Stuff's been going on lately, and I just needed some time to get my head screwed on just right. Lest I wind up hating Christmas and trying to steal it one year. Anyways, I'm back, so let's dive right into the next chapter!

Disclaimer: You want to know the truth? You can't handle the truth!... But I'll tell it to you anyways. The truth, my dear friends, is that the greatest rapper of all time... was Dr. Seuss. Sidenote, the name of this chapter happens to be the name of a minigame from Mario Party 7. Just to remind you guys of Mario Party. Just saying...

Chapter IV

Warp Pipe Dreams

And so it came to be that Mario got his stuff all packed up. He wasted no time in putting away his blanket of invisibility, the keys to his special Wild Wing kart, as well as arming a trap designed to destroy the author if he tried to offer exposition on either. Aside from that, there were his many instruction books and booklets, a book containing several smasher-pictures of his parents, and the aforementioned magazines of highly interesting content, which he decided to peruse before tucking it away.

"Ah, Garfield," he smiled. "You are one_ funny _cat." He then activated the aforementioned trap due to the author making that joke again.

On the day the Farons were slated to arrive, the Smiths were exceptionally nervous, and none moreso than Bill. For a full account of why Bill may not consider another run-in with smashers, kindly consult chapter IV of _Mario Mario and the Hylian Stone, _and witness his last encounter for yourself.

Uncle John, meanwhile, never one to skew his priorities, ignored the potential of having the smashers use their powers on him, and focused on something much more important- "So, what will these people be wearing?"

To which Mario had no answer whatsoever. The Farons wore all sorts of different clothing, but nothing that he could imagine his uncle approving of- on the contrary, they seemed, for the most part, to be locked in some sort of medieval stasis as far as clothing was concerned, with the parents, Rusl and Uli, typically wearing clothing that they seemed to have stitched together themselves from animal skin. While he'd never met the eldest Faron children, Linebeck and Midna, personally, in the pictures he'd seen of them, Linebeck always seemed to be dressed like an old-fashioned pirate, while Midna wore flowing black robes. Link's standby consisted of a green tunic, boots, and floppy green hat, and as far as Rob, Kirby, and Meta Knight went, their status as non-human meant that the only piece of clothing between the three of them was a headband that Meta Knight wore on very rare occasion- the only time it was easy to tell the difference between him and his identical twin brother. The only one of them who wore anything even _vaguely _ordinary was Peach, the youngest sibling, but even her large, pink dress would likely be out of place in the Smith household.

Perhaps, he reflected, this was why he'd never heard of any institution in the smasher world having any sort of uniform- it was difficult to standardize something like that when there wasn't even a standard on what _species _a given _family _might have among its members.

Of course, most smashers had at least mastered the _basics _of blending in with muggles- but the key word here is _basic. _Very few smashers Mario had met had actually achieved anything close to his typical ideals of what a muggle would look like- just _barely _enough to be brushed off as eccentric by most, but this wasn't just any muggle family they would be dealing with- it was the Smiths, who, as mentioned before, got upset over the stamp habit. Much like Youtube comments, if there was the slightest flaw to be found, it would be, and exacerbated as much as possible.

So, ultimately, Mario had nothing to say on the subject, which had left Uncle John just _brimming _with confidence.

For his part, Uncle John went to a great deal of trouble to dress up for his guests. A sign of respect for the arrivals? HAHAHAHAHAHA no. If anything, he was hoping to intimidate them- to feel like he was still in control of the situation. "But Gamer4!" you say. "Aren't they just coming by to pick Mario up?" And I answer- freaking Smiths.

Everyone was either so nervous (Smiths) or excited (Mario) the next day that hardly any words were exchanged over lunch- not even complaints from Bill at the lack of carbonated, deep-fried chocolate sauce. With carbs.

It was, however, at this point that John voiced the second issue tormenting his mind- "So, they'll be driving, right?"

Mario blinked as this question graced his ears. Driving? The Farons? He didn't think they had a car... and, frankly, aside from the karts that Kirby and Meta Knight had dedicated their school careers to piloting, Mario couldn't help but feel that the image of the Farons all piling into a Renault Alpine was somehow... wrong.

Hmmm... a sentence containing the words 'pilot' and 'Renault Alpine' alike... no, no subtle references here!

As far as Mario knew, the only vehicle the Farons had ever owned was the Sky Runner, a bigger-on-the-inside blue phone box that flew through the air- because we haven't been referencing great shows enough already. The only difference was that this _particular _blue, flying phone box didn't travel through time. For that matter, Mario wasn't sure _what _the phone box was doing lately- the last time he'd seen it, it was flying free in skulltula-infested woods- not anywhere the Farons had easy access to it. But, that being the case, exactly how _did _the family plan on traveling?

Mario answered both Uncle John and his inner monologue with a noncommital shrug. In all fairness, it didn't really matter anyways- even if the Farons _did _arrive in a Renault Alpine, it wouldn't change the Smiths' opinion of them. Smashers driving a Renault Alpine were still smashers.

Finally, Mario headed up to his room and began passing the time by hooking up his beloved Wii U and setting to work on gathering fruit in _Pikmin 3. _Ah, pikmin, adorable little creatures. He kept this up for several days (in the game) before looking up and realizing that several hours had passed, and the Farons had still shown no signs of appearing.

Curiously, he ended his Pikmin session and headed downstairs. Had the Farons already arrived, and he'd somehow missed it? Unlikely, to say the least- he was certain the Smiths would be making much more noise if that were the case.

Sure enough, when he arrived back downstairs, the family was still going through their 'nervously-awaiting-arrival' motions, with Bill skulking around the house, jumping at small noises, Aunt Kate almost obsessively going over everything to make sure everything looked perfect, and Uncle John glancing nervously out of the window every three seconds, displaying behavior not uncommon for those playing through the Submerged Castle in Pikmin 2. What, Mario had Pikmin on the brain. Which is probably why he reacted to the sight by saying, completely deadpan, "Keeping an eye out for the Water Wraith, huh?"

"What?" Uncle John asked, looking up at him.

"Nothing, nothing."

John narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "They're late," he growled.

"So I noticed," Mario agreed. The Farons had said they'd be coming at 3:33, and they were now pushing 4:30.* "I guess... the train is late?"

He was glad Uncle John didn't do much research into the smasher world to see all these references he kept throwing around, they were one of the few things keeping him sane. Of course, the group catching the train was a distinct possibility.

Time kept ticking away, and still, no sign of any of the Farons. Mario took to pacing around the house himself.

As Bill headed to the bathroom, time pushing five, Uncle John and Aunt Kate had a meeting in the living room to express their mutual displeasure.

"Who do they think they are, standing us up like this?"

"Well, they're... you-know-whats. Can't really expect much from them."

Mario shook his head. Good ol' Smiths, generalizing against smashers since the first chapter of the first story. He was on the point of going back upstairs when the bathroom door burst open, and Bill came running out, stumbling over his pants, situated around his ankles, and with a look of blind terror on his face.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's wrong?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow. Bill, however, plowed right by him and into the living room, where he proceeded to draw his parents' attention with wild arm movements.

"What is it, son?" Uncle John asked, eyes wide.

Bill let out strangled gasps as his wild arm movements continued, trying to convey whatever had him so spooked. Mario, following the indications to the bathroom Bill had just vacated, turned and entered. Eventually, it seemed his uncle got the same hint, and followed suit.

Sure enough, there were muffled voices coming from all over the bathroom's insides. "Well, this is great. Fan-tegging-smastic. Alright, Kirby, you have to go back, warn Meta-"

"Too late!" came another voice, coming from the area of the shower. "Alright, now where are we supposed to-"

"I thought the map was leading us here!" came the first voice, from near the toilet receptacle. "I could have sworn this is where they live!"

"_Maps?_" came a third voice, also from the shower area. "We were using warp pipes- what kind of maps do we need?"

Uncle John wrenched Mario out of the room and glared at him. "What- the - _hell _\- is going on?!"

Mario was struggling to resist the urge to facepalm. "Well, from the looks of things, they tried to get here using warp pipes- common smasher transportation-" here, he picked up the pace of his words, sensing Uncle John was about to blow his top. "I guess warp pipes don't sync up with muggle houses all that well. Here, let me try talking to them-"

Mario turned back to the bathroom, entering and speaking out loud. "Link! Kirby! Meta Knight! You hear me?"

"Oh, hey, it's Mario!" came Kirby's cheerful voice.

"Good!" was Link's response. "Hey, Mario, what's going on? Where are we?"

"Well, you got to the right _house_, for what it's worth," Mario said, satisfied that the three brothers could hear him. "But you seem to be stuck in the plumbing..."

"Dangit," came Meta's voice. "Dad said this might happen..." Sounding like something had just occurred to him, Meta spoke up again. "Oh, speaking of, you heard Dad anywhere? He was supposed to be here, too, but I'm not seeing him anywhere..."

"Um... just a second," Mario said, heading for the door. "I'll check the upstairs bathroom."

"Hey, wait, no, don't leave-" Link's voice started, but before he could finish the sentence, Mario had shut the door and was rushing past the bewildered Smiths and up the stairs.

Sure enough, there was an older-sounding voice up here. "Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hello?"

"Um... Mr. Faron?" Mario asked.

"Oh, Mario, my boy! Looks like this is the right house after all. Let me guess- the bathroom?"

"Um... yeah. Something go wrong with the warp pipes?"

"That _would _seem to be the case," Rusl's voice agreed. "Alright, can you trace where my voice is coming from?"

"From next to the shower, I think..."

"Alright, then here's what I want you to do- just turn the faucet on, like you're planning on running a bath."

"Are you sure?" Mario asked uncertainly, approaching and putting his hand on the handle nonetheless.

"Trust me, this is the Government-approved method for getting smashers out of the plumbing- I think. Don't tell Uli, but I slept through that class the first time."

Mario shrugged, and announced, "Alright, turning the bath on... now."

He pulled the handle, and the sound of rushing water filled the room for a moment before, cartoon-style, a long, noodle-like Rusl Faron came oozing out of the bath's faucet, before expanding and returning to his normal size once freed from the plumbing.

Mario stared. "Um..."

Rusl smiled as he turned to Mario. "I assume you've never seen such a thing?"

Mario simply opened and closed his mouth a few times before simply sighing and saying, "Link, Kirby, and Meta are downstairs."

"Oh, right!" Rusl snapped his fingers, and the two of them rushed down the stairs.

"What the- who the hell is this?" Uncle John grunted in surprise as the sudden new appearance pushed his way past the Smiths.

"He's their Dad," Mario explained briefly as Rusl made his way into the bathroom.

On the inside, Kirby and Meta's voices were filling the restroom chamber with song: "Tell me, why'd you have to go and make me so constipated, constipated? And I'd do anything to get my bowels evacuated, evacuated! In the bathroom!"

"You're not even singing it right," came Link's grumbling voice.

"Boys!" Rusl called out as he entered the room.

"Hey, Dad!" came Kirby's voice. "Mario got you out, huh?"

"He did," Rusl nodded, somewhat pointlessly, given the circumstances. "It looks like Gaignun messed up- this isn't how we were supposed to come out."

"Yeah, we figured something went wrong somewhere along the line," Meta noted, the most deadpan Mario had ever heard him.

"Well, give him some credit," Rusl shrugged. "It's much more difficult to hook up a muggle house to the Warp Zone Network. We could have not turned up here at all."

"Well, that's all fine and dandy," Link's voice interjected, "but what _I _want to know is how we're going to get out of these dang _pipes!_"

"Hm... yes... just a moment..."

As Rusl moved over to the shower, Uncle John and Aunt Kate came filtering in. Bill, it seemed, had retreated upstairs for the moment. Rusl finally twisted the handle. Once again, water began to rush, and out of the faucet came a long line of Faron-ooze. When it re-inflated, everyone present, aside from Rusl, gasped- yeah, even Mario. Of course, he'd already seen the strange spectacle once, but he wasn't prepared to see, not the Kirby and Meta Knight he knew, but two strange-yet-familiar twin boys who were- the key point here- human.

"Ah, geez," spoke one of them, using Kirby's voice as he brushed water off a set of pink clothing. "This stuff is never going to come out."

"Hey, relax, brah!" spoke the other, wringing out his purple sleeves as he used Meta Knight's voice. "It's just water."

Looking up, the two spied Mario staring at them. "What, never seen us in our human forms before?"

Mario blinked and shook his head- not in disagreement, but just to clear his head. He _was _aware that non-human smashers bore the ability to shift into more humanoid forms in order to blend in better with muggles, and he _had _seen Kirby and Meta Knight's human forms before- but only once, and that had been three years ago, now.

The two of them stood at the average height for students of their age, and had untidy hair of unusual color- Kirby's was a bright pink, while Meta's was a deep purple. The color of their clothing matched the color of their hair. Aside from the difference in color, both the human boys were absolutely identical, even unto the style of clothing.

The Smiths looked increasingly nervous as they eyed the two, and Mario thought he knew why- while they certainly looked more human this way, the humanoid disguise wasn't perfect- even aside from the obvious hair color issue, there was something off about them, as there often was. Mario thought he could see it in their eyes, which, contrary to their regular forms of identical pink puffballs, were somewhat cat-like, but even aside from that, as with any smasher's human disguise, something just felt... off. They looked human, but not quite human _enough, _falling squarely into what Mario was fairly certain was widely known as the uncanny valley. As for him, even knowing what he did didn't spare him the oddity of hearing Kirby and Meta's voices coming out of the mouths of people resembling strangers.

"Okay, are we actually going to get to _do _anything this chapter?" the two asked in unison.

"Hey, welcome to my world," Mario grumbled. "This guy hasn't shut up since this story started. Exposition, exposition, exposition."

As the Smiths stared at them, unable to grasp any meaning from that conversation, the author stalked off in a huff and refused to write for a full month. Or at least, we can pretend that's why this chapter is late.

"Hello? If anyone cares to notice, I'm still stuck!"

Everyone turned to where Link's voice was emanating from. Mario closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. "Don't tell me..." he muttered, approaching the toilet and lifting the lid.

Sure enough, Link's head- and nothing else- was poking out of it, looking up at him. "Oh, Mario? How are you here, I thought-" looking around, Link seemed to realize the position he was in. Sighing, he muttered, "Really? Is this the kind of humor we're stooping to this time around?"

"Oh, dear," Rusl noted, seeing where his youngest son had ended up. "This... is going to be difficult. Toilets aren't meant to regurgitate water, they're supposed to flush it away..."

Uncle John and Aunt Kate, in case you'd forgotten about them, were still standing there, jaws on the ground, trying to wrap their heads around everything that was going on.

Finally, Rusl said, "Alright, Link, there's only one way I can think of to get you out of there- but you're not going to like it..." As he spoke, he reached for a sheath at his side and drew his blade.

"Wait, what are you going to-" Uncle John asked, only for a beam of light to fire from Rusl's sword, demolishing the toilet and sending water everywhere. From the center of the explosion came a swordsman in a green tunic, with blond hair covered by a floppy green hat- Mario's friend, Link Faron. He looked distinctly disgruntled as he landed on the ground in front of them, climbing to his feet as fast as he could.

"How ya feelin', there?" Mario asked.

"Not particularly dignified," Link muttered back.

Rusl took note of the situation, realizing that water was continuing to come from where the toilet had been a moment before. "Ah... yes, I'd love to stay and chat, but we should really move to the living room..."

The boys in the room, seeing this as well, gave a quick nod and retreated towards said room, leaving Rusl to deal with Uncle John and Aunt Kate, who seemed to have been shocked into silence.

Finally, they'd all gathered- sans Bill, but what ya gonna do?

Rusl cleared his throat to speak first. "Well, right of the bat, I feel I should apologize... you see, we were kind of limited in our methods of transportation- I lost my Sky Runner last year- a flying phone box, you know- so I had to talk to a friend of mine in the Department of Transportation- Gaignun Kukai, he's a great guy, you should meet him sometime- to have him hook up your house to the Warp Zone Network. Muggle's houses typically don't connect, so he had to pull quite a few strings to get us here, and I guess there was a glitch somewhere along the way- but hey, better than getting sent to world -1, right?"

For a long time, Uncle John simply stood there, opening and closing his mouth. Mario seriously doubted that any of this was really getting through to him.

Rusl seemed to realize this, too- it wasn't every day, after all, that a strange man appeared in your plumbing, pulled two children out of it along with him, then proceeded to blow up your toilet and flood your bathroom to liberate a third. At any rate, he was looking awkwardly around the room, seemingly trying to locate something else to talk about. Finally, his eyes fell on a television. "Ah, you've got a TV! Fascinating things, I was studying them a few years back- actually, that's where I got the idea for the Sky Runner to begin with. While I was at it, I made some improvements so we could pull things out of the TV- kind of like that one movie... what was it? Charlie Wonka and the Tofu Factory? Something like that... we've got a nice model of the monolith from 2001, pretty interesting, only thing is, there's a friend of ours from another planet- he's actually a kart driver, he'll be in the Grand Prix this year- Fei Fong Wong, another great guy- anyways, whenever he comes over, we have to put it away, otherwise he'll start hitting it with a hammer, says he needs to free the Wave Existence, or something like that."

It was a painfully awkward rant, and it showed on Uncle John's face that the little storm of references had left no impression on him whatsoever. Kirby and Meta were watching in quiet amusement, Link and Mario in exasperation.

Finally, Rusl clapped his hands. "Anyways!" he announced. "I'll fix your toilet myself, not to worry- I used to be a repairman before I got to where I am now- I'll just send the boys off back home with some of the warp pipes I brought, then I'll put your bathroom back together before I teleport out of here myself."

More awkward staring.

Finally, Kirby and Meta stood up, glancing at Mario. "Well, as fun as this is," Kirby said.

"We really should get going- time is money, and all that," Meta finished the thought.

"So, Mario, where's your stuff?" Kirby queried.

"Up in my room- you remember where that is?"

"No prob, man, no prob!" Meta smiled, leading his twin upstairs, both grinning at the memory from two years ago. Mario had a sneaking suspicion that the twins had ulterior motives- specifically, a desire to witness Bill, who they'd heard a great deal about from Mario. As much criticism as could be thrown at the two, one point that earned them respect from many was that they weren't fans of bullies.

Unfortunately, their departure left the group with yet more awkward silence. Dangit, Mario, can't you say something? Do you have any _idea _how hard it is to narrate a story that's nothing but a series of awkward silences?

"So, that guy still won't shut up, huh?" Link asked.

Oh, come on, we already made that joke earlier this chapter!

"Oh, so it's okay for _you _to reuse jokes to the point of beating them long after they're dead, but when _we _do it, _then _it's a crime?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"What are they doing? What are they talking about?" Uncle John asked angrily of Rusl, the only one who didn't seem to be conversing with thin air.

"Oh, just having an argument with the narrator," Rusl shrugged, leaving Uncle John looking even more baffled than before.

It was around this point that Bill happened into the living room, and, upon seeing Rusl, quickly rushed to hide behind his father. Now, pardon me while I join Mario and Link in laughing behind my hand at this. Phffptthhthtff. Okay, I'm done. What's so funny, you ask? Well, Uncle John was certainly taller than his son, but he was nowhere near wide enough to block his son from anyone's view- Bill, all respect due to him, was much wider than he was tall.

Rusl looked around the room, from one face to the next, and seemed to draw the conclusion that Bill was simply someone who didn't meet new people well. And, being the outgoing person he was, his response to this was to kindly offer a hand to him and cheerfully ask, "So, you're Bill, Mario's cousin, aren't you?"

Bill recoiled from the hand as though it held a gun. Rusl raised his eyebrows. What a poor child- what traumatic experiences had he gone through to prompt him to react to the hand of friendship in such a way? Well, temper trauma with love, his old man had always said... "So, has your summer been going well so far?"

As Bill began to splutter, Kirby and Meta Knight finally returned, all Mario's stuff in tow. Their eyes on Bill, the two suddenly erupted into wicked grins.

"Is that it?" Rusl asked, smiling brightly. At Mario's confirmation, he produced a small, plastic baggy filled with tiny blue cubes. "Well, let's get going!"

Kirby smiled as he took the baggy and produced one of the cubes from it. As he lifted it out of the baggy, he suddenly gasped, doubling over as if in pain.

"Kirby, what's wrong?" Meta asked, a look of concern crossing his face.

"My transformation... it's beginning..." And with that he let out a cry as a flash of light engulfed him. When it died down, he'd reverted to his original, pink, round form. Of course, the Smiths didn't know that.

Bill let out a scream to rival Meta Knight's as he rushed to his brother, putting his arms around him. "No, Kirby!" he cried, fighting to keep his face looking horrified. "Who did this to you?! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?!"

"Don't look at me, I'm hideous!" Kirby cried, dropping the blue cube to the ground, where it was absorbed. A second or two later, a large, orange pipe rose from the ground, prompting the tear-stricken Kirby to dive into it, calling out, "Ordon Cottage!"

At this point, Mario and Link were struggling to keep their faces straight as Meta dove for the baggy, taking a cube of his own. As he lifted up his own cube, he, too, doubled over as if pain was racking his body. "Oh, no! The curse... it's affecting me, too!" He tore off his shirt, causing the contents of his pockets to scatter across the ground as a flash of light consumed him, reverting him to his natural form- which, of course, was the same as Kirby's.

The Smiths were looking even more panicked as the cube hit the floor, summoning forth another warp pipe that Meta dove into, calling out "Ordon Cottage!"

With both the twins gone, Rusl was left to try and calm the Smiths down, heedless to Bill, panicked to the ground, noticing one of the objects that had fallen from Meta's pockets as he transformed.

"No need to worry, no need to worry, there's no curse, nothing bad's happened, those two were returning to their original form, that's all!" Rusl called out, raising his arms as Uncle John and Aunt Kate shouted at him. "Perfectly natural, though they really shouldn't have done what they did- I'll give them a talking-to later, don't you worry-"

The Smiths, however, weren't to be consoled, even less so as Bill suddenly let out a choking noise, and everyone turned to see him undergoing a strange transformation of his own, shrinking down, becoming even rounder, and his skin beginning to turn pink.

"YOU BROUGHT THOSE CHILDREN HERE AND INFECTED _MY _BILL?!" John raged, now to the point of attacking Rusl.

"No, no, no! It was probably a joke item of theirs- they're quite the pranksters- but it's nothing that I can't set right!"

Mario and Link were doubling over laughing at this point. Finally, Link, wiping a tear from his eye, muttered in Mario's ear, "We should probably get going."

Mario would have liked to stay and watch the chaos a little longer, as Bill continued to expand and become ever pinker, along with John and Kate's reactions, but ultimately, he nodded, and Link picked out a blue cube, throwing it down to the ground. Together, the two of them dove into the warp pipe as it rose up around them, muttering in unison, "Ordon Cottage."

The next second, the chaos going on in Number 3, Peach Creek, was swiped away as Mario felt himself being pulled towards his rapidly-improving summer vacation, content in the knowledge that they had finally gotten through a whole chapter without mentioning...

The H #&amp;#&amp;\- S% % T &amp;&amp;$%%.

_XXXX_

_*_Ha, ha, geddit?

Hey, guys... So, how's it been going on your end? Hope you're not... too mad at the recent hiatus...

The fact is, my head has been _really _messed up lately. Not the good kind, where you produce high-quality humor stories like this one, and are actually so smegged up in the head you actually _believe _it's high-quality, no, the kind of messed up where you question your very existence and place in a world that seems bitter and uncaring... Nothing related to fanfiction was causing this, mind, just some things in my personal life. As a result, I was spending more time trying to get my head back together than trying to actually write. I'm actually kind of afraid that this might have shown through in this chapter, but... to let me know... no, I'm not signing off _just _yet...

But there's good news for you, too- after this, things should start getting better- back to the world of smashers, and video games, and- dare I say it- some more random quickies. And, of course, next chapter will introduce two characters that you guys have probably been waiting to appear ever since they were confirmed as _being _characters in this story, way back in _Hylian Stone_\- I know _I _have. Anyways, as usual, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced- I'm always looking for advice on how to make these stories better- flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.


	5. Fun at Ordon Cottage

Gamer4 in! Coming right in to write after seeing Avengers, Age of Ultron in theaters! Awesome movie- of course it was, it was Marvel! That's right, it's time you guys knew, I'm a Marvel fanboy, alongside my usual video game obsessions! Haven't seen a single Marvel movie yet that disappointed me- and yes, that includes Spiderman 3, Fantastic Four, and both Ghost Rider movies- though Spirit of Vengeance is probably the movie in Marvel's catalogue I've watched the least. Sure enough, Age of Ultron was no exception! Why are you reading this? Go watch it!

...Okay, you watched it? Alright, then here's the next chapter.

Disclaimer: My foot's feeling pretty light, if you guys know what I mean. A-hem. Through the woodland, through the valley, comes a horseman, wild and free...

Chapter V

Fun At Ordon Cottage

Finally, the darkness of the pipe began to thin out, until Mario and Link finally exited on the other end, landing much more gracefully, to Mario's thankfullness, than on the other occasion he'd traveled via this method, two years ago.

...Wait a second, thankfullness isn't a word? There are quite a few jokes I could make about that, but... I'm going to leave it to your imagination...

Anyways, the first thing Mario sensed upon landing was the laughter of two pink puffballs standing nearby. Looking up, he found himself in what seemed to be the kitchen of, sure enough, Ordon Cottage. Add to the tally of things he was glad for- he'd actually come out where he'd wanted to come out. But what really caught his eye was that there weren't just _two _pink puffballs- there were four.

One of them, wearing a headband, approached Mario as he egressed the pipe. What, egressed isn't a word, either? Man...

"So, don't keep us in suspense, did he eat it?"

"Bill, on a diet, seeing candy? Oh, he ate it, alright. It seems the curse has spread to the Faron household as well?"

"Oh, yeah," Kirby spoke up. "Beware the curse... of the puffballs!"

Mario joined in the laughter with the rest of the people- er, individuals- in the kitchen, turning his attention to the two unfamiliar puffballs. Unlike Kirby and Meta Knight's typical habit, they were actually wearing clothes- massively ill-fitting, but clothing nonetheless. One was dressed in a blue, pirate-style uniform, and the other in dark robes.

His growing suspicions were confirmed as Meta crossed to said individuals and produced a couple pieces of candy for the two of them. "Alright, here you go, that oughtta fix you right up!" The two new puffballs accepted the candy, ate it, and swiftly transformed into more humanoid shapes.

Mario hadn't met these two in person, but he'd heard plenty about them via reputation, and he'd seen enough pictures of them to recognize them as the eldest Faron children, Linebeck and Midna.

"Hey, there, Mario, how's it going?" spoke the young man Mario had identfied as Linebeck. Mario was somewhat off-put as he reached out to shake Linebeck's hand. Again, he hadn't known Linebeck before, but he had been identified by Kirby and Meta Knight as being a head boy at the Smash Mansion, during the time that he'd attended said school. While they'd never actually described his personality much, Mario had generally walked away with the impression that he'd been something like Rob's forerunner- fond of flaunting his power and bossing people around. That description, however, didn't seem to fit the man he was shaking hands with- he was wearing his hair in an untidy mop around on his head, and bore on his face a nice pencil-thin moustache that Jimmy Buffet would have been proud of. The general impression, coupled with the tell-tale reminders that his occupation _had, _after all, become treasure hunting for the National Banks of the smashers, was really causing Mario to re-evaluate his opinion.

As Linebeck stepped back, Mario's hand was subsequently taken by the young woman he'd been sitting across from- Midna, if Mario was correct. She was tall, even taller than Linebeck, and, in fact, probably held the title of the tallest member of the Faron family that Mario had met yet. Her hair was long and held in a ponytail that reached the middle of her back. Similar to Linebeck, her hair defied the typical Faron tradition of being blond- it was a bright, fiery red. Her skin was pale, and her smile was pleasant, though Mario thought he detected a hint of mischief- the same mischief, in fact, that he'd so often sensed in Kirby and Meta Knight's grins. As noted prior, she was dressed in black robes, and as Mario shook her hand, his attention was drawn to various burns and scars over her body- presumably, he thought, from her work studying wild bosses around the world.

"Heard a lot about you from Link," she said, giving a laugh that also bore hints of mischief. "You're Nintendo's new seeker, right? Hope you're doing the team proud!"

"Sure is!" Kirby and Meta chirped up. "Pulls off some catches even you might not have been able to manage!"

"Is that so?" Midna asked, her eyebrows raising. When she'd been at the Smash Mansion, her main claim to fame had been her skill on the Smash-Up field, in the exact position Mario currently played. "Well," she added, her eyes narrowing conspiratorially, "I'm glad to hear that- maybe you'll balance out the drag those two have on the team."

As Link laughed, glad to not be the butt of the joke for a change, Kirby and Meta Knight shouted, "Oh, silence, you mewling quim!"

"'Mewling quim'?" Mario asked, blinking.

"Yeah, about that, you two," Linebeck stepped in. "We're... not actually allowed to say that."

"Huh? Why?"

"Well... just look it up." Linebeck produced a small book, entitled _Translating Asgardian to English for Dummies_, and handed it over to the twins.

"Hmmm... mewling quim, mewling quim, mewling quim..." they muttered, flicking through the pages. Finally, they found the proper entry- "Here we go! Mewling quim- whimpering c- oh! Oooooohhhhhhhh. Oh. Well, then..."

"There are some lines you just don't cross," Midna put in, shaking her head.

Suddenly, a star flew across the room, leaving a streak behind it. Above it formed the words, _The More You Know. _

"Okay, then," Mario noted, raising his eyebrow.

He was casting around for a topic of conversation to end the ensuing awkward silence when he was spared this necessity by the arrival of Rusl Faron, appearing in the center of the room. "Kirby and Meta Knight Faron!" he shouted. Mario blinked- he'd never seen Rusl this angry before. Granted, that was a pretty low bar to jump over- in fact, if his memories were correct, there wasn't even a bar at all- but even so. It just seemed... uncharacteristic. "That was not funny! What did you do to that poor boy?!"

"Hey, all we did was drop some candy!" Kirby pointed out, making an effort at sounding indignant, but the effect was ruined by his efforts to hide his laughter behind his face.

Meta shared this problem as he picked up the debate where Kirby had left off. "And really, if he hasn't learned not to eat candy that strangers dropped on the ground, then we were really doing him a favor by teaching him otherwise!"

"You're not even trying to _hide _that it was intentional!" Rusl raged.

"Wouldn't really do much good," Kirby shrugged.

"So, how long was he-"

"It took five minutes before they'd let me give him a real look-over!" Rusl was looking surprisingly dangerous. "I can't believe this! All my crusades against muggle-baiting over the years, and here, I have my own sons- my _own sons- _undermining everything I've been trying to-"

"Hey, whoa, there, chief, back up!" Kirby objected, holding up his hands in the 'time-out' position.

"You can say what you want about our irresponsibility," Meta put in.

"-or our brains," Kirby agreed.

"But don't be going accusing us of muggle-hating!" they said together.

"It wasn't because he was a muggle-" Kirby began the affirmation.

"-it was because he's a bullying winnicott!" Meta concluded it.

"You know, he kind of is," Mario put in.

"_That's not the point!_" Rusl shouted. Mario could actually hear the teapot whistle sound effect that he typically heard when Link was on the verge of flipping his lid. "This kind of reckless action is... is..." He fumbled for a moment, apparently searching for a word that really hit home just how bad it was. "This kind of action is... ugh, we already used up all our 'Harry Potter headscratchers page' references last story... All I can say is, I'm going to have to tell your mother about this."

Kirby and Meta were on the verge of opening their mouths, to say what, Mario never found out, because that was the moment another voice entered the conversation- "Tell me what, Rusl?"

Everyone spun around to see a blond woman at the entrance to the kitchen, dressed in the same old-style clothing as Rusl. She was shorter than he was- in fact, she was the shortest person present, aside from Kirby and Meta Knight- but that didn't stop everyone present from shivering like a cold front had passed over the room. The look on her face gave the impressions that daggers were going to be flying from them soon. Her eyes softened slightly as they crossed over Mario- "Oh, Mario, wonderful to see you, dear!"- only to harden again as they turned to her husband. "Tell me what?"

Rusl froze, and gulped. It was obvious to everyone present that while he was willing to threaten bringing Uli Faron into it, he'd never actually intended to do so. The threat worked well as a deterrent, but frankly, actually following through on it would be the equivalent of using a Hind gunship to get rid of a bothersome fly.

In the middle of this frankly palpable tension, two more people arrived on scene- two young, blond girls in dresses. One of them, slightly taller with brown eyes, was none other than Zelda Hyrule, the third member of the 'Smash Mansion Golden Trio,' alongside Link and Mario himself. The other was Peach Faron, the youngest Faron child. Mario waved at them as they entered, causing Peach to blush and look away, while Zelda threw a cheerful wave back, only to lower her hand as she took in the scene.

As though making it clear that the new arrivals weren't going to spare him his explanation, Uli cleared her throat and repeated, "Tell me _what?_"

Rusl cleared his throat, still looking nervous. "Well, the thing about it is... well, very minor misdemeanor... but I've already taken care of it..."

"And what, pray tell, _was _that misdemeanor?" Uli asked, tapping her foot. "It better not have to do with that... that..."

Link cleared his throat. "Hey, Zelda, let's show Mario where he'll be sleeping, why don't we?"

"Won't he just be sleeping in your room, right where he did before?" Zelda asked, blinking.

"Yeah, but I want to show him the new stuff in my room!"

"Like what? It's all the same posters and all the same things-"

"Dangit, Zelda, he likes that room, he'll want to see it again!"

At this point, Link was basically doing everything short of actually pointing at his mother, and Zelda finally seemed to get the message. "Oh. You know, I'd like to see your room, too." And, ignoring the many fans that either punched the air or began frothing at the mouth at this line, she crossed the room and prepared to leave the room alongside them.

"You know, Link's room really _is_ a popular tourist destination this time of year," Kirby spoke up.

"Yeah, very much so, we should be making our travel plans now!" Meta agreed.

The two were on the point of crossing the room to join the exodus up the stairs when Uli let out a shout. "YOU TWO! ARE! NOT! GOING! _ANYWHERE!_"

As the four of them- Mario, Link, Peach, and Zelda- picked up the pace with which they ascended the stairs, Mario finally asked the obvious question. "So... what _was _with the candy?"

Zelda was the only one of the others who didn't laugh.

"Oh, that's just something Kirby and Meta cooked up as part of this joke shop idea they had," Link explained. "The idea is, you calibrate it to a smasher's non-human form, and then the next person who eats it will take that form- like a pink puffball, for example."

"I see," Mario noted, stroking his moustache in thought.

"Oh, are you really doing that?" Zelda asked, looking at him in quiet amusement.

"What?"

"Casually trying to draw attention to your moustache my stroking it in thought?"

"What? Moustaches are cool!"

An awkward silence followed, until Mario finally asked the next obvious question. "Joke shop?"

"Oh, yeah, and that's what Mom'll get mad about," Peach replied, closing her eyes with an amused smile on her face.

"Look, here's what happened- Kirby and Meta were taking too long to clean out their room, so Mom decided to basically say 'screw it,' and do it for them," Link explained. "I don't know what she was planning to do after that, but... anyways, while she was doing it, she found some... interesting things in their room..."

"And, strike three for _that _joke," Mario muttered.

"Huh?"

"Nothing, continue."

"Okay... anyways, what she found was a bunch of order forms they'd been drawing up all summer. Turns out they were running a business through orders and ads in a bunch of different papers- selling a bunch of joke items. Even found a whole manifest of all the kinds of stuff they were making..."

"I mean, we all knew they were doing stuff up in that room of theirs," Peach put in, with stellar word choice, "but we didn't realize they were actually making things."

"Yeah, but the thing was, Mom doesn't think that running that kind of business is a worthy aspiration for Farons," Link picked up. "She took as much as she could find and burned it, and _that _led to this big debate... Mom saying that it was all just dangerous nonsense, and they should be getting ready to go into the Government- you know, like Dad and Rob- but they just want to take their joke shop to the next level. I mean, Mom was already angry at them as was- they didn't do as well on their tests last year as she'd have liked..."

Here, they were interrupted, somewhere around the twenty-second floor landing, by the appearance of a robot at his door. "Excuse me, but could you keep it down out there? I'm _trying _to get some work done, if you don't mind!"

"Well, _excuse me, _prince!" Link muttered. "Sorry we had to pass your landing to get up to my room! Sorry to ruin the super secrets of the Government of Smashing..."

"Whatcha up to, Rob?" Mario asked, trying to keep things at an at least somewhat friendly level.

"Mr. von Karma has me working on a report on shipments of red pollen from Bionis to Babahl, where it is refined into a high-grade ink for illegal export to our country of-" Outside, a thunderstorm suddenly kicked up and a lightning bolt cracked just as he named the country, only to immediately dissipate afterwards.

Link gave a wide, obvious yawn, stretching his arms back. "Well, that's fascinating, Rob. Red pollen, ink, very fascinating. You're changing the world, truly. Now, want to tell me why this stuff is so bad to have in the first place?"

"I... I don't know for certain- Mr. von Karma has elected to keep that information to himself."

"Yeah, big surprise," Link muttered.

"That is his prerogative!" Rob objected. "If Mr. von Karma doesn't choose to divulge every aspect of every brilliant idea that crosses his mind, he is perfectly within his rights to-"

"Yeah, yeah, thank you very much, shut up," Link muttered, shutting the door in Rob's face.

As they continued up the stairs, Link began grumlbing. "One new rule for staying here, Mario- do not- under any circumstances- and I _mean _it, for the love of the Wave Existence, _do not_\- mention von Karma to Rob. 'Oh, according to Mr. von Karma,' 'Well, if you were to listen to Mr. von Karma,' 'They once tried to build a street named after my boss, but nobody crosses Mr. von Karma,' 'Mr. von Karma's blood has healing powers more potent than a Ho-oh's, so it's a shame he doesn't bleed,' and on, and on, and on! Holy crud, he'll probably be popping the question soon..."

As Link's little rant died down, they heard shouting coming from beneath them. If that seems trivial, keep in mind they were on the twenty-seventh floor by that point.

"Looks like she finally got it out of him," Peach noted, once more displaying exemplary word choice, and causing Mario to threaten more fiery pain on the author if he continued with these types of jokes.

Finally, they arrived at Link's room. Mario could swear the house had spontaneously developed new floors since he'd last been there. Indeed, as Zelda had said, the room was nigh identical to how it had been two years ago, with the sole exception of the bird cage- it had previously held a small cucoo named Oreo. Unfortunately, said cucoo had turned out to be a homicidal maniac, with the result that the cucoo was now replaced with an albatross- a small albatross with oddly-colored yellow feathers. Who was looking very excited at the new arrivals.*

"Dang it, Riki, _shut up_!" Link muttered agitatedly as he crossed the room. Yep, agitatedly isn't a word, either.

"So, how're the sleeping arrangements?" Mario asked.

"Pretty simple," Link shrugged, gazing at the ceiling. "It'll be kind of cramped in here- Midna and Linebeck are taking Kirby and Meta's room, so they'll be bunking with us."

"Shouldn't be too much of a problem," Mario nodded. "And, uh... the bird?"

"Oh, yeah, the bird that... Strider gave me last year," Link nodded. His hesitation was down to not wanting to use Strider's true name- Roy Alluvia. Sure, he, Zelda, and Mario knew him to be innocent, but Peach was present as well, and she did not. Now that Mario thought about it, he _did _recall Roy bequeathing a small, oddly-feathered albatross to Link at the end of the previous story...

"Peach named him," Link continued. "She was reading about a yellow-colored Nopon in history class named Riki, and figured he looked like him, so, there you go. Gotta keep him up here, because he gets on Bootler's and Flurrie's nerves. Not much different from me, as long as we're being honest here."

Mario glanced at his friend with a single raised eyebrow. Link, he knew, wasn't to be taken seriously on the issue of pet-related irritation. He'd made similar claims about Oreo, back in the day, not that it had stopped him from entering months of depression- and a proxy war with Zelda- when it appeared Zelda's pet cat had eaten him. _Well, cat _pokemon_,_ Mario corrected himself mentally.

"And on that subject," he spoke out loud, causing some raised eyebrows, "Where's Simba at?"

"Probably out in the garden," Zelda smiled. "He's been chasing the foppies ever since he first saw one. A cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do. Cat pokemon!" she added quickly as Mario opened his mouth.

"Yeah, well, I'd normally say 'OBJECTION!'" Link noted, the word appearing in a stamp as he spoke, "but these are foppies, so he can have at them."

"You're very generous, Link," Zelda smirked.

"Yeah, yeah, we all know that," Link smirked right back. "But, hey, Mario, don't be keeping us in suspense- you heard anything from Ro-"

Here, he was cut off by Zelda coughing, blinking at Peach, who, as aforementioned, was not in the know of Roy's innocence.

Link changed his words around at an admirable speed. "Ro-ei? You know, Rei Ayanami? That person who's not even from a video game? I know she keeps pestering you to get into this story, and you have to keep trying to explain to her that it doesn't work like that..."

Zelda salvaged the moment. "Hey, it sounds like Mrs. Faron's calmed down! Let's go help her make dinner!"

"Sounds good to me!" Link said with an unnecessarily loud voice, only causing the question marks in Peach's eyes to expand. It was already a pretty flimsy excuse, in Mario's mind- like anyone would actually lobby to be _accepted _into this story...

Another thirty-odd story descent through the house, and they arrived back in the kitchen. Midna, Linebeck, Kirby, Meta Knight, and Rusl were all absent, leaving Uli cooking alone, looking like she still hadn't quite calmed down yet.

As she looked up, she explained, rapid fire, "Midna and Linebeck are out setting up tables in the garden. We just don't have enough room to be eating in the kitchen tonight. So, Peach, Zelda, if you'd start taking things out to help them set it..."

Said girls gave a quick nod before collecting some dishes and heading out into the garden. Mario and Link, meanwhile, were set the task of peeling the potatoes, a problem which they solved by having Mario toss the potatoes into the air and having Link slice the skins off with his sword. Surprisingly, it didn't work too badly- as long as you didn't mind the potato skins and freshly peeled potatoes landing all over the floor.

Uli was continuing to grumble about Kirby and Meta Knight even as she bustled around the kitchen, mashing the potatoes and throwing them into a pan with meat and crushed up Leys potato chips, with phrases like 'no ambition' and 'freaking joke shop, are they serious?' being predominant.

So pre-occupied was she with her cooking and verbally abusing her twin sons that she didn't even look up when a noisy explosion sounded just outside the house. Mario and Link, on the other hand, perked up and rushed outside to see what was going on.

As it happened, war seemed to have been declared, between the naval forces of Linebeckia and the grounded Real of Midna-gard. Using the newly set-up table as a boundary, Linebeck was firing the cannon of a ship that Mario was fairly certain hadn't been present before, while was throwing back bolts of crackling energy. Kirby, Meta, and Peach cheered them on, while Zelda stood to the sidelines, struggling to look disapproving, but ultimately failing.

"You'll never defeat me, Linebeck!" Midna shouted. "Midna-gard's forces are unparalleled!"

"Maybe so, but this is a ship I was able to build IN A CAVE! WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!" Linebeck shouted back.

"Ah, Midna-gard's forces have strength of heart! That's how Dad did it, that's how our country does it, and it's worked out pretty well so far!"

"YOU ARE FAILING!" Linebeck retorted.

Midna was opening her mouth, probably to retort with some more references of her own, but at that moment, a deadpan voice echoed over the scene: "SILENCE! What would Mr. von Karma think?!"

Everyone looked up to see Rob leaning out of his window.

"Oh, sorry there, Rob," Midna grinned. "Didn't mean to disturb you!"

"So, how's the super important ink work going?" Linebeck grinned.

"Not so well!" Rob would probably be grimacing, if he had what could accurately be described as a mouth. "If only Mr. von Karma were here... you know he once scared a black bear so hard that it fled to the north pole? Its descendants today are known as polar bears!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, von Karma, von Karma, von Karma," Link muttered as Rob withdrew back into his room and Linebeck abandoned his ship in favor of actually setting the table. "If I had a taser charged with one volt for every time he mentioned Manfred von freaking Karma, I'd be able to tase the god of thunder with no problems..."

XXXX

Dinner was a hearty affair that night- as it tended to be at Ordon Cottage. Uli's cooking was good at the best of times, but it tasted even better to Mario that night, having been on a diet pretty much of cake all summer. Nice to get some variety. First-world problems? Yeah, but even that was something of a comfort to Mario- for once, he was in a situation where his biggest worry was trying to find a food variety from cake. Marie-Antoinette, eat your heart out. Or don't, as the case may be.

The only negative here was that there was no way to escape Rob's incessant droning about Babahlese red-pollen ink. "I told Mr. von Karma I'll have the report in on Friday, but I think if I _really _work, I'll get it in as early as Thursday evening! He'll be so impressed! Especially since efficiency is key right now- you know, we're somewhat shorthanded trying to prepare the Grand Prix- not that M. C. Ballyhoo is making anything any easier..."

"Hey, don't knock Ballyhoo _too _badly," Rusl gave a vague objection. "He's the one who got us our tickets in the first place! Cut us a deal after I helped his cousin with a cursed copy of an old Godzilla game. Seriously, how many smashers are cursing video games lately? Anyways, I'm just saying-"

"Well, I wouldn't deny that Ballyhoo is pleasant- in a pedestrian, underclass sort of way- but when you really compare him to Mr. von Karma, there's no comparison! I mean, compare the two- Mr. von Karma is arranging two big events almost single-handedly, and Ballyhoo still has yet to begin looking for Adrian Andrews- someone from his own department! It's been two months since she disappeared, and he hadn't even _started _looking!"

"Yeah, I was talking to him about that yesterday, as a matter of fact," Rusl conceded, looking thoughtful. "He says she gets lost all the time, one of the clumsiest people he's ever known, but even so... if she were in my department, I'd certainly be concerned... not least because she'd be one of only two other people in the department."

"I've heard that, too," Rob agreed. "Apparently, she's been tossed back and forth between departments like a volleyball- nobody really wants to keep her. But even so, not even _looking..._ Even Mr. von Karma is more interested in finding her, and she's not even _in _our department! Problem is, Mr. von Karma doesn't have enough time on his plate to really be investigating it himself, between the ink and... well, the event coming up." His visual receptacles widened meaningfully at his father. "You know the one I mean, don't you, father? The secret one?"

Link rolled his own visual receptacles as he glanced over at Mario. "Rule 2- no matter how much he tries to tempt you, don't ask him about that event. He's just looking for an excuse to throw you a patronizing speech about how Mr. von Karma has the right to not reveal yadda yadda yadda. You ask me, it's probably a mass PSA about the dangers of Bionis ink made from Bahbalese pollen orbs, or whatever..."

Meanwhile, the twins were discussing the Grand Prix with Linebeck and Midna. Midna seemed to be in the middle of offering her opinion, as a veteran Smash-Up player, of each team's chances. "If you ask me, it's going to be Germany. No question about it. It's one of the strongest line-ups I've seen in years- Fei Fong Wong, Citan Uzuki, Bart Fatima, Elly van Houten, Rico Banderas, Billy Black, and Emeralda Kharim. Team like that could take down _gods_."

"Hold up, hold up, hold up," Mario butted in slightly. "Is any one of those people actually German?"

A moment of hesitation, and Midna said, "Erm... I think Elly _might_ be..."

Mario stared for a moment, but ultimately shook his head and muttered, "Whatever, continue."

Linebeck looked like he was contemplating this interesting paradox as well, but ultimately shrugged it off and said, "I wouldn't be so quick to judge, myself. I mean, Mobius has Sonic the Hedgehog for their seeker, after all- the only Smash-Up player in the world to not even _need _a kart."

"True, I have to give props where props are due," Midna nodded, "but, to be brutally honest, Sonic's just one good player. Germany's team is basically seven of him combined. Sorry to say, Mobius doesn't stand much of a chance."

The sun went down as the time for dessert rolled around- Uli had made some homemade ice cream that everyone commenced to enjoying as Rusl began lighting up some candles. Mario leaned back, feeling relaxed as he watched, with quite amusement, the spectacle of Simba chasing the small, pink foppies across the lawn. He was aware that foppies had a slightly stronger, faster-breeding cousin in the fobbies, but these clearly weren't fobbies, as they weren't borange.

He was cut off from more references when Link leaned over and asked, "So, _have _you heard from... Strider at all?" As he spoke, he looked over his shoulder to make sure nobody but Zelda was listening in.

"As a matter of fact, I have," Mario nodded. "He seems to be doing alright. I even wrote to him yesterday, just after responding to you. If we're lucky, he'll respond while we're still here." He was on the verge of telling them what had necessitated said letter to begin with, but something held him back- everything was peaceful right now. Everything was awesome- everything was cool, being part of the team. He just couldn't bring himself to break it.

Fortunately, he wasn't given the chance anyways- Rusl called out, "Well, look at the time! We have to get up early tomorrow if we're going to make it to the Grand Prix! Hope you didn't get _too _comfortable here, yet, Mario, it might be a while before we get back. The last Grand Prix finals went on for a whole month."

"I guess it's too much to hope it does this time?" Mario asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I certainly hope not! I shudder to think what Mr. von Karma would say if my attendance of this match caused my report on ink to be-" Rob started.

"Rob, do us all a favor," Midna interrupted, "and shut up."

Glancing at the look on her face, Mario began to suspect he knew where Kirby and Meta Knight had learned all the tricks of the trade.

_XXXX_

_*_Speaking of over-excited, brightly colored pets, my cat happened to jump up on my lap as I was writing this part and demand my attention, so this chapter is being posted a good ten minutes later than it normally would have been. Probably the shortest hiatus ever, but... there you go.

And... here's the next chapter! If it seems like I'm getting a lot of Marvel references in, that's because... well, I have Marvel on the brain! Seriously, go watch Age of Ultron, it's fantastic!

Ahem. Fanboying aside. Some not-so-awesome news- I have one of those pesky 'planned hiatuses' coming up- due to certain events, I'm not going to have access to my computer for the rest of the week, so it's going to be at least a full week before I can get around to writing the next chapter. At least I can warn you guys ahead of time this time. Here's hoping I'll get back to a semi-regular update schedule after that. That said, thanks for reading! Please R&amp;R, questions welcome, constructive criticism with which to make the story better is widely embraced, flames meant to tear the story down, not as much, Gamer4 out!


	6. Whir-Gate SG-1

Gamer4 in. Getting started on this chapter on another sleepless night- I hate insomnia. Sleepless in Solaris. Anyways, got a few revelations, out in the open or hidden in the niches, coming right up, so let's dive in!

Disclaimer: Tilting at the windmills passing, who could the brave young horseman be?

Chapter VI

Whir-Gate SG-1

Despite what the movie will try to feed you, that night was one of _those _nights. Yeah, you know the kind of night. You lay down, beat to death, and fall asleep immediately*- and then proceed to fall through some freak wormhole that teleports you to the next morning, when you're being shaken awake, ultimately resulting in only a couple seconds' worth of sleep. Don't you just _love _nights like that?

"Mario, come on, get up! It's time to head out!"

"Zeh-duh?" Mario muttered, trying to force his eyes open. Funny, his lids seemed to have suddenly gained several thousand pounds during the night.

"And you, too, Link!"

Mario struggled against the weight throughout his body, trying to force himself to sit up in bed- only to fall over sideways, topple off of his bunk, and land on a nearby pink puffball.

"Oh, hey, Mario," the puffball in question muttered sleepily. "You know, if you wanted to come to bed with me, you could have just asked..."

"Sorry," Mario muttered, trying to force himself to his feet, "but I don't swing that way."

Finally, he managed to climb into a standing position- only for his legs to give out under him, leading to him toppling back onto his bed. Ah, sweet warmth. His eyes were weighing down again...

"Come _on, _you four!" came a shout from the door- Zelda was back, and tapping her foot impatiently.

"Do you have coffee for blood, or something?" Mario muttered, rubbing his forehead agitatedly. Which isn't technically a word, but it should be, so we will proceed as though it is.

"Whatever," Zelda shook her head. "Get up- don't fall back asleep!"

Mario grumbled, but continued his crusade with his body to begin functioning properly. As he did, the puffball he'd landed on- Meta, it seemed,- turned to his brother and began gently shaking him awake as well. "Come on, Kirb, gotta get up! Gotta get goin'! Gonna see a friend of ours!"

"He's warm and he's fuzzy," came Kirby's voice from under the blanket, tired but eager to fall in with his twin. "We love him, because he's-"

And without warning, the two burst out into song- "Pooh bear, Winnie the Pooh bear!"

Mario shook his head again. "We are _really _reaching now..."

The twins, continuing on, jumped over to Link's bed- the sole occupant of the room who had yet to move- and began jumping on his bed.

"The most wonderful thing about Kirbies-"

"Is that Kirbies are wonderful things!"

"With tops made of marshmallow!"

"And bottoms made of springs!"

"They're bouncy, trouncy-"

"Bouncy, trouncy-"

"Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!"

"But the most wonderful thing about Kirbies is-"

And, together: "We're the only ones! Yes, we're the only- oof!"

The 'oof' being because Link had finally awoken and responded to the singing marshmallows by beaning them with his pillow, sending them across the room. "Enough of that freaking song!" he shouted. "You woke me up with that every day before I started going to the Smash Bros.!"

The door opened, and Zelda re-entered. "Oh, good, you're up."

"So it would seem," Mario muttered, preparing to slip into his usual overalls. "Oh, by the way, milestone- we've finally gotten to where the movie started."

"Yaaaaaay..." Kirby and Meta Knight cheered half-heartedly- their sudden return to the floor seemed to have sapped them of their sudden energy. Link, meanwhile, seemed to have used up all his morning energy with his pillow attack, and was slouching backwards onto the pillow.

Overall, it was a tired bunch that made their way down to the kitchen, where Rusl was already up and making himself some oatmeal. Peach, it seemed, had forced herself awake, come downstairs, poured herself a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal, then lost her will to keep going and fallen asleep in said cereal.

"Where's everyone else?" Meta muttered sleepily.

"Well, Mom's not coming today," Rusl explained. "She decided to hold down the fort back here. As for Linebeck, Midna, and Rob- they'll be teleporting in later today. Since none of you can teleport, and I didn't want to go through the hassle of using warp pipes, we're going to have to head out and find a Whir-Gate."

"Whir-Gate?" Mario muttered, to tired to even snark- it was all he could do to ask the question itself.

"I'll explain later- when I'm sure you'll remember," Rusl added with a slight grin.

Mario examined the cereal available, and settled on some Frosted Flakes. He poured himself a bowl, took a bite, and gave the slightest of smiles. "Grrrrrrreat!" Another question crossing his mind, he asked, "So, just out of curiosity- what kind of procedure does one have to go through to be able to teleport?"

"Well, for one thing, you have to be of age," Rusl explained. "Then you have to go through an approved program for learning how to do it, then there's a test run by the Government's Department of Transportation, and if you pass that, you can get your license. They don't take chances with teleportation-" which is also apparently not a word- "and for good reason. It can get real nasty if it goes wrong."

"Just ask Midna," Kirby muttered, causing Meta to snort into his bowl of Rice Crispies.

"Why, what happened?" Mario asked.

"Well, it wasn't that funny at the time," Link admitted. "More one of those things you laugh about after the fact- but her first test, she left one of her eyes behind when she was teleporting- had to wear this big, stone eyepatch for a week before the hospital got it back into her."

"That's something you laugh about now?" Mario asked, an eyebrow raising.

"Oh, snap... crackle and pop," Meta chortled.

"Hey, there's no lasting damage," Link shrugged. "Though we wouldn't bring it up in front of her, of course..."

"Not that Midna's the problem anyways," Kirby muttered, shaking his head. "No, _Rob's _the _real _problem. He just passed his test a couple weeks ago, and you know him- once he has the ability to do something, he has to do it _all the freaking time,_ just to prove he can."

"Yeah, I'm thinking back, and I don't think he's actually walked down those stairs once ever since he passed that test- the whole two weeks, he just teleports up and down," Meta agreed. "Oh, you wait 'til _we _pass that test, oh, boy, we're gonna get you, Rob, we're gonna get you."

It was at this point that Zelda entered the kitchen and noticed that Peach was still unconscious in her cereal bowl. "Isn't anyone going to wake her up before she drowns?" she asked.

Link, who was nearest, looked over and saw the position his sister was in, seemingly for the first time. "Oh, crud," he muttered lethargically, reaching over and shaking her awake.

Peach slowly raised her milk-drenched face from the bowl, muttering, "I don't wanna... you can't make me..." She reached up and wiped her face off, looking around. "Oh... sorry, weird dream... you know, why do we have to get up so early, anyways? It was pitch-black when Zelda woke me up..."

"We've got some walking to do," Rusl explained briefly, adding some brown sugar to his oatmeal.

XXXX

It should be noted here that while Peach went out of her way to point out it was pitch-black at the time Zelda woke her up, it... wasn't actually that much lighter when everyone finished their breakfast and set out for the horizon, over which the sun was just beginning to peek. It was still at that awkward point in the sunrise where the sun seemed to be indecisive about whether or not it wanted to rise that day. "Should I or shouldn't I?" it was wondering. "I mean, I know I've done it every day for the past however-many-years, but do I really want to today?"

The cold air, as well as being out on his feet, was beginning to wake Mario up, prompting him to jog up to where Rusl was leading the party out into the morning, and persist in his questioning. "So, how's everyone getting to this place?"

"Good question," Rusl nodded. "And, in fact, the very question the Government struggles with every time they set up an event like this. There's a lot of preparation to do, you know, and the fact that we have to do it without muggles noticing doesn't exactly make it any easier. First, we have to find a nice, deserted landscape to set everything up, do everything we can to make sure muggles won't run into it by sheer happenstance... and then, get all the smashers there.

"First thing to do is stagger the arrivals- can't have everyone arriving at once, it would be a nightmare. We were lucky to get the tickets we did, we'll be going to watch the Grand Prix itself tonight. The people with the cheapest tickets have been there a month already- and _that's _the kind of prestige we're talking about with events like this. And _this _prestige didn't require Nikola Tesla."

"Come again?"

"Oh, nothing. Anyways, it's not many smashers that use muggle transportation, though it's not unheard of. Some use karts, but that takes time, and karts aren't suited to all types of terrain. People can teleport, or use warp pipes, but both require going through a great deal of paperwork with the Department of Transportation, whether to teleport to a place where it's guaranteed that no muggles will be near, or to get everything set up with the Warp Zone Network. As for us, the Warp Zone Network is already stretched a little thin- maybe that's another part of what happened yesterday- and, of course, none of you have your teleportation licenses yet, so we're going to be arriving by Whir-Gate."

"Yeah, that's what's getting me. Whir-Gates, what _are _Whir-Gates?"

"Oh, just objects and things lying around- seemingly innocuous things, the more innocuous, the better, and throw in a perception filter just to make _absolutely _sure no muggles pay them any mind. The point is, under certain conditions, they teleport whoever's touching them to a set place. The government's been placing them all around the world for the past few months."

Finally, the group arrived at an obscenely steep hill, with the end result that, after subtracting the air from their lungs necessary to climb said hill, there was none left for talking. As a matter of fact, there was hardly enough to allow them to climb the hill at all. They were all gasping for breath within seconds. Just as well, Mario had just been about to wonder out loud if Rusl had caught the narrator's 'exposition-bug.'

As they finally felt the ground flatten out beneath them, Mario, Link, Peach, Zelda, and both of the twins collapsed from sheer exhaustion, gasping for breath. "Oh, come on, you six, it's not _that _bad!" Rusl said bracingly. "Hurry up, we have to find that gate..."

As his voice died down, they heard another voice, rough and agitated-sounding. "Complete and utter scrap, in my day, we had more dignity in the things _we _chose to be Whir-Gates, yessir, we did!"

"Come on, grandpa," came a much more reasonable-sounding voice. "We should be looking to see if anyone else is coming for it."

"Cranky?" Rusl spoke out loud, and everyone followed as he moved towards the voice. "It _is _you, Cranky!" he called out.

"Ah, Rusl!" said the owner of the agitated-sounding voice, revealing itself as a large monkey, wearing a shirt as white as the beard that came down to his knees. He was hunched over and carrying a stick like a cane- basically, take the grumpy-old-man stereotype, and make that man a monkey. "Good to see you, my boy!"

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Cranky Kong," Rusl explained as he shook the old monkey's free hand- neither of his feet, incidentally. "He works with me in the Government. And, of course, his grandson, Donkey- but I think you know him already!"

Sure enough, the other voice revealed itself as belonging to a large ape, dressed solely in a tie bearing the letters DK. Said ape was carrying, in his right hand, a crushed soda can with the tab removed. "Morning!" Donkey Kong nodded cheerfully.

Mario, Link, Zelda, and Peach all responded with a 'morning' of their own. Kirby and Meta were left out for a slightly complicated reason, which I'll have to explain fast before Mario gets on my back again for expositing too much:

They had, indeed, met Donkey Kong before- he was the captain of the Hal Smash-Up team, and had, the previous year, led said team to be the first to beat the Nintendo team in a Smash-Up match in three years. Mario had heard that Donkey himself acknowledged the... external factors, shall we say- that contributed to said victory, so wasn't particularly bitter about it. Kirby and Meta, on the other hand, were wearing bitter looks almost worthy of Liquid Snake, crown prince of bitterness himself- it actually looked pretty out-of-character on their faces.

"Kind of a long walk, wasn't it?" That was Donkey Kong, seemingly noticing the frost coming from the puffballs and looking to make amends.

"Oh, not overly far. We had to get up at half-past-five, but nothing too-"

"Oh, look at the complainer over here!" Cranky suddenly burst out. "Oh, boo-hoo, we had to get up a little earlier than normal, and go on a little hike! Well, me and Donkey here got up at _two, and _had to cross an entire _ocean! _You kids today don't know what hardship-"

"Grandpa, your medicine!" Donkey spoke up warningly.

"What? Oh, right..." Cranky reached into his shirt, and, despite it not having any pockets, produced an inhaler. "Ah, that's better. Sorry about that. Now that I think about it, I think I can see _one _way that I got off easy- ticket price. I was just buying for me and Donkey- you got yourself and all these kids?" Slowly, his voice started to dip back into agitation. "Youth of today ain't got no decency, popping off kids every three seconds-"

"Grandpa!"

"Oh...oh, right." Another pull from the inhaler.

"Er... right," Rusl responded uncertainly, eyebrows raised. "Anyways... most of these are my children, yeah, but not those two- the girl with the pointed ears is Zelda Hyrule, a friend of my son's- same goes for the boy with the black hair and the red hat, he's Mario."

"Mario? You mean, like, Mario _Mario_? _That _Mario?"

"Yeah, that's me," Mario nodded, looking resigned, as Cranky, sure enough, looked him over, eyes freezing on the red M on his forehead.

"Hmmm... you're skinnier than I expected. Donkey's told me all about you, of course- quite a yarn to spin! I don't just hand out praise willy-nilly, but when I heard _that, _I had to congratulate him- maybe when he gets to my age, that'll be a story almost as impressive as a bunch of stuff _I've _done- beating Mario Mario on the Smash-Up field!"

Donkey Kong looked at the ground, embarrassed. "Grandpa, it wasn't his fault- the stadium got invaded by floows."

"Eh, don't be going making excuses for him, my boy!" Cranky shook his head as he turned to look at his grandson. "You stayed on where he couldn't, it don't take no genius to tell who the better driver is!"

At this point, Kirby and Meta looked ready to kill- a look _extremely _foreign to their faces- leading to Rusl intervening with, "Oh, look at the time, the Whir-Gate will be activating soon! Anyone else coming, Cranky?"

"Eh? Oh, right- no, I think it's just us today. The Antiquas are already there- been there for a week, now, from what I hear- and the Feys couldn't get tickets. Said somethin' about channelin' the spirits of anyone killed in the post-match riots to find out who won. And... let me check..." Here, Cranky examined his own watch. "Hm, you're right- less than a minute 'til it's takin' off..."

"Alright, everyone, gather 'round!" Rusl said quickly. "Everyone make sure you're touching it..."

It wasn't easy, and Mario still wasn't sure if someone wasn't using some smashing power to make it a little more... possible, but, in the end, all nine of them had at least a finger on the crushed can that would be taking them to... wherever the Grand Prix was being held. With his free hand, Rusl examined his watch.

"Alright... three...two...one... _now!_"

Mario felt a lurch in his stomach as the ground disappeared- along with everything around them. They seemed to be hurtling through a long, blue tunnel with waves of light around them. As he watched in bewilderment, the tunnel became a swirl of color, reds and blues and yellows and greens. For a moment, everything seemed to come to a halt, and they were surrounded by stars, and then it started up again, back to all sorts of flashing colors that made him wonder if he'd somehow ingested LSD somewhere along the line, and then...

It stopped, and Mario felt himself land on ground. Not having been prepared for landing, his legs buckled and he performed a spectacular faceplant. He was just on the verge of getting up when a voice spoke above them- "Well, that's the 6:40 from the Ordona Province- make sure to get that down, okay, Jr.?"

_XXXX_

* Kind of ironic to be saying this, considering this chapter being written on a sleepless night...

Okay, I'll be honest, this is earlier than I thought I'd be updating. I was just coming in here to write the beginning of the chapter and see if it could restore my will to actually get some sleep, and before I knew it, I had the whole chapter finished. Considering that it's pretty short in comparison to most of my chapters, not as much to brag about as it could be, but hey. Got a few hints buried in there, some more references, and set things up for the next chapter, which I am _very _much looking forward to for reasons I'll explain then! As for when it'll be up, I have more access to my computer again, so it _should _be up later this week! See you guys then! Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	7. Ballyhoo and Karma

Gamer4 in. Oooooooone is the loneliest number that you ever do... Two can be as bad as one, but one is the loneliest number...

Oh, hey, chapter time! Well, this is it. This is the chapter where either everything will become more awesome than before, or everyone starts boycotting this story. Also, as mentioned last chapter, this is _the _chapter I've been looking forward to more than any other. Why? Due to some... spoilery stuff (for a fiction like this, yeah, I know,) I'll say why in the end notes. Anyways, since I _am _so excited, enough opening notes! Let's get to it!

Disclaimer: He is wild, but he is mellow, he is strong, but he is weak. He is cruel, but he is gentle, he is wise, but he is meek.

Chapter VII

Ballyhoo and Karma

Mario forced himself to his feet and turned to see two smashers standing off to the side from where they'd landed. One was tall, with well-kept black hair, and dressed in a sharp black suit, complete with red tie. The other seemed to be younger, even younger than Mario himself, as a matter of fact, but was otherwise nigh identical to the other. He had messy red hair, dressed in green pants and a black longcoat over a red shirt, and carried two handguns- one for each hand.

"Hey, Gaignun!" Rusl said cheerily as he spied them. "Jr.!" he added, giving a respectful nod to the boy.

"I'll take your Whir-Gate," the boy, Jr., said, extending a hand into which Rusl deposited the old aluminum can. "Hmmm... complete and utter scrap," he muttered, tossing it carelessly over his shoulder, where it landed in a box full of what were clearly used Whir-Gates.

"Rusl!" greeted the older smasher, extending a hand, which Rusl shook. "Not on duty today, hm? Some people have all the luck- Jr. and I have to check everyone coming in by Whir-Gate, it's been quite a hassle- you're the smallest group we've had in a few weeks."

"Sounds like trouble," Rusl nodded.

"Speaking of trouble, how did the warp pipe to that muggle house go?"

"We ended up in the plumbing," Rusl recalled, closing his eyes.

"Ah," Gaignun responded, looking slightly embarrassed. "Sorry about that..."

"You _could _have just left it to me, but _noooo_, you just had to do it all by yourself," Jr. interjected.

"Oh, shut up," Gaignun sighed. "Anyways, we'll go ahead and get you set up with a campsite..." Here, he produced a register of some sort, and ran a finger down it. "Alright, Farons- you're over that way, Kongs, over there."

"Alright, let's get going," Rusl nodded. He and Cranky bid each other farewell, and the two groups went their separate ways.

"They were... interesting," Mario noted as they set off towards their campground.

"I can't believe a son would talk to his father like that!" Zelda interjected, glancing back at Jr.

"What son? Cranky is Donkey's grandfather."

"No, not him- that Jr. kid."

"Oh, Jr.?" Rusl suddenly burst out laughing. "Oh, no, you've got it all wrong- those two aren't father and son- they're brothers!"

"Huh?" Zelda asked, eyebrows raising.

"Yeah- in fact, Jr.'s the older of the two- double in fact, Jr. was the oldest person there- except for Cranky, of course."

"Then why-"

"Long story," Rusl shrugged. "And one that they never filled me in on, but apparently, something happened when he was younger that caused him to stop physically aging when he was 12. Raises quite a few problems, but I'd imagine it has its benefits, as well..."

"Oh. My. Wave Existence," Mario suddenly spoke up. Everyone turned to stare at him. "It can't be- these stories are _never _this nice to me..."

"Something wrong there, Mario?" Link asked, sounding concerned.

Rusl looked up. They'd arrived at the small building where they were supposed to pay to use the campsite. "Ah, you're the campsite manager, are you?" he asked of the young man within. He was tall, with dirty brown hair, and dressed in a blue blazer.

"No way, no way, no way!" Mario was still gasping, staring at him. The others, looking at his eyes, were surprised to see him looking at said young man with something two degrees away from idol worship- in fact, he had the same expression on his face many smashers had when they first saw him.

"Mr... Kyon*, right?" Rusl asked, looking uncertainly away from Mario and at the man, who looked incredibly bored at the moment, even as his eyes glanced from Mario to Rusl.

"The king of all straight men!" Mario gasped. "Not worthy! Not worthy!"

Kyon threw one last uncertain look at Mario, then looked back up at Rusl. "Yeah, that's me," he nodded. "And you're here for the Smash-Up Grand Prix, right?"

"Yeah, we- wait," Rusl blinked, looking confused. "How did you know about that? I mean... no offence... but aren't you a muggle?"

"None taken," Kyon shrugged. "Even _I _don't know why I'm here- I'm not even from a video game. But apparently, I'm allowed to keep my memory- something about already dealing with enough weird stuff in my own life, and if I can keep all _that _secret, I can be trusted not to blab about all this."

"You and I need to have lunch sometime," Mario interjected. "You ever been to Applebee's? They have bottomless Mountain Dew."

Kyon stared at Mario for a second. Finally, "Yeah, sure why not. Now, you going to pay, or what?"

"Oh, right," Rusl nodded, trying to ignore Mario's sudden squeal of delight at being straight-manned by his idol. "Um... Mario?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not good with muggle money... could you help me out, here?"

Mario struggled to force down his newfound inner fanboy, and turned to help Rusl go over the greenbacks in his hand. Finally, he turned and handed the money over.

"I hate this time of year," Kyon muttered as he accepted the payment.

"Oh, sorry for any trouble we caused you," Mario said quickly.

"Don't worry about it," Kyon shook his head. "This is actually the least trouble I've been having lately. But this Grand Prix... it's keeping me nice and busy, I can tell you that much. If all the people putting down reservations wasn't enough, there are _quite _a few of them that don't understand normal money... couple of people with wings coming out of their heads stopped by a few weeks back, paid me with a bunch of gold coins and gems. _You _try working out the change on that... Anyways, I'm just glad this whole thing is just a bit part. I've got enough going on in my own life _without _getting dragged into stories like this."

"Hey, you're talking to the main character here," Mario pointed out.

"Yeah, yeah... I think these people were just glad to find a muggle who already knows about supernatural stuff. It would be too much work trying to keep anyone else in the dark. Half these smashers don't even bother trying to disguise themselves, and then there's that guy in the blue suit and the giant hat with the face, always jumping around talking about living steel balls at the top of his voice... anyways, enjoy your stay."

"We will, thanks," Rusl smiled.

As they headed off, Rusl shook his head. "Well, I suppose we really _are _lucky there's a muggle already familiar with strange things, if Ballyhoo's being _that _lax about security."

"Ballyhoo?"

"The man Kyon was talking about- nobody else it could be. M. C. Ballyhoo- we were talking about him a couple chapters ago. He used to be a brawler for the Mushroom Kingdom Smash-Up team, but now he works for the government- head of the Sports Department, so a lot of the organizing's been up to him..."

The campsite, as the group approached it, was... amazing. Mario whole-heartedly agreed that if the campsite manager was anybody besides Kyon, it would have meant quite a bit of trouble for the people who had to keep everything quiet. There were plenty of smashers quietly or openly using their powers out in broad daylight, very few of the non-human smashers were bothering with their human forms, and, in general, it was chaos.

The spot marked as belonging to them was in a nice, shady area. "Good location," Mario commented. "So, we have some tents to put up?"

"Oh, Kirb and I can handle that!" Meta said happily, drawing his sword.

"Hold it!" Rusl called out, causing the words to appear in a stamp. "We're not supposed to be using our powers here! We'll be putting up these tents by hand!"

"Why?" Peach asked. "The muggle who runs this campsite already knows about us."

"Yeah, and it's not like anybody _else _is trying to hide it," Kirby agreed.

"Standard procedure!" Rusl affirmed. "We have to keep to the habit of doing things the way muggles do in muggle-populated areas!"

"Yeah, more like somebody's obsessed with muggles, and has been looking forward to camping muggle-style ever since he got the tickets," Link muttered, though this was strictly an aside to Mario and Zelda.

And so it came to be that the better part of the morning was spent erecting the tents. By the time they were finished, the sun had risen and dispelled most of the early-morning mist. Finally, they all stood back.

Well, if he'd wanted tents that resembled muggle tents, Mario thought, Rusl had certainly picked the right ones. Both tents were large and blue, but Mario still suspected there had been an error somewhere in Rusl's calculations. The tents would be a tight fit already, but later in the day, Linebeck, Rob, and Midna would be arriving, bringing the Faron group's totals to ten. The tents were pretty large, as tents went, but ten people...

"Yeah, it'll be a little tight," Rusl nodded when Mario ran this past him, "but don't worry, I'm fairly certain we'll all fit."

A statement that confused Mario, until he actually lifted a flap and entered one.

The inside of the tent... was bigger than the outside. On top of that, it less resembled a tent and more a four-room apartment. Kirby and Meta were already taking up residence in a kitchen-like area, propping their feet up on the table.

"_Now _whatdya think?" Link asked, smirking.

"That I need to remember that we're in the smasher world," Mario muttered.

"Alright, so, we oughtta get started on dinner- we'll have to eat early to make it to the Grand Prix!"

Link produced a map from one of the pouches on his belt. "This says there's a place to get water not too far from here," he noted.

"Where'd you get that?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I grabbed it while you were busy fanboying over that muggle back there."

Mario winced. "I'm never going to hear the end of this one, am I?"

"Nope!" Link said cheerily. "So, just get the oven ready, and-"

"No, no ovens!" Rusl interjected. "You go get the water, and we'll get started on preparing a campfire!"

"Dad, there's an oven right there in the kitchen, and it's not like any muggles have any _chance _of seeing us cooking at it-"

"Muggle security!" Rusl repeated. "If they don't see us cooking with a campfire, they might get suspicious!"

Link sighed. "My earlier comment still applies," he muttered, "but whatever. Come on, guys."

Mario and Zelda nodded, rising to their feet from the sofa that blended in so well in the camping environment, and followed the green swordsman out, trusting his sense of direction and his map.

Mario felt as though his eyes were being opened for the first time in a while- there were an _incredible _number of smashers all over the site. He'd known the smasher world was large, of course, but this was the most he'd ever seen in one place. At some level, he thought, he must have realized there were smashers in other countries besides- his thoughts were interrupted as a young man in a white lab coat and glasses approached them.

** "Hey, you guys, have you seen Okami Amaterasu?" he asked. "Snake and I got separated from the rest of the group, we were wondering if you'd-"

"Amaterasu?" Link asked, eyebrows raising. "Who the heck is that?"

"Y-you don't know who she is?" the boy asked, looking like they'd caught him off-guard with this question. "Y-y- oh, you guys are from the Smash Bros., aren't you?"

"Yeah, we are," Mario asked, eyebrows raising. "Aren't you?"

"No, no... never mind." The young man turned towards another smasher standing nearby, dressed in some kind of military uniform, though nothing that Mario recognized. "No go, Snake, they're with the Smash Bros.!"

"Huh, must be from Soh-nee," Zelda commented, looking after him.

"Where?" Mario asked, turning to look at her in bewilderment.

"Soh-nee- another smasher school," Zelda explained. "Along with the Smash Bros., it's one of the top three smasher schools in the whole universe. I'd read their headmistress is Okami Amaterasu, so, since he was looking for her..."**

Mario stared at her for a moment. "I think... I just had an aneurism," he muttered. "Let's... let's just get going before I think of something to say to that..."

Well, that just confirmed what he'd been thinking, he continued with his thoughts. Subconsciously, perhaps, he'd realized there had to be more smashers in the world- heck, _universe_,- than just one school could provide for, and yet the idea that there were smasher schools aside from just the Smash Bros. had never really occurred to him.

As they continued through the campsite, it became increasingly obvious that Rusl was really the only smasher there who cared about blending in with muggles. The other smashers were making only the very barest efforts to hide their true nature, though, Mario thought, it was still better than in the movie, where nobody was making any efforts to hide it at all.

"Hey, guys! Guys!" came an excited voice, and the group turned to see two of their friends from the Smash Bros. nearby- Diddy Kong and Ness Levi.

"Diddy! Ness!" Link grinned as they approached. "How's it going?"

"Pretty good," Ness smiled, raising his hands in a gesture.

"By the way," Mario muttered, "congratulations on your twentieth surname in four stories."

"Huh?" Ness asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, don't listen to him, he's just trying to get his mojo back after fanboying over the site manager," Zelda smirked.

"No, seriously, go back over the last stories and read through them- I'm pretty sure he gets a new surname every time it's mentioned!"

"Whatever," Ness shook his head. "Anyways, yeah, I'm here with Diddy today. My Mom's a muggle, so Diddy invited me with his family to come to the Grand Prix. Similar story to you?" he added, eyeing Mario and Zelda.

"Yeah, pretty much," Zelda affirmed.

"So, who're you guys supporting?" Diddy asked. "Germany, right?"

"Oh, we hadn't really thought about who we'd-"

"Germany, right?" Diddy asked, leaning towards them.

"Well, maybe, I mean, Mobius is no slouch themselves, and they've got Sonic, so-"

"You'll be supporting Germany... right?" Diddy asked, head lowering and hand rising to his cap, managing to look threatening.

"You know what?" Mario interjected. "Yeah, why not, we'll be supporting Germany. We'll be supporting the team that has only one member actually from said team's native country- and even _that's _up in the air."

"Glad to hear it!" Diddy grinned, perking up.

"Yeah, Germany's got it this year," Ness smiled. "Though I _am _looking forward to seeing Sonic in action, too!"

"Meh, Sonic's a poser," Diddy brushed off. "I mean, he makes such a big deal about being so fast, but he'll be driving a kart anyways, won't he?"

"Yeah, but that's only because the Government basically had to step in and order him to, to stop him from curb-stomping everyone Mobius goes up against."

"Yeah, well... Sonic's a poser! He hasn't had a good game since the Dreamcast!"

"Ah, his recent games haven't been _that _bad," Ness shrugged off. "People like to hate on them just for being new, without having any real complaints. Shadow the Hedgehog, Sonic and the Dark Knight, Unleashed- all pretty good-" (another hand gesture) "-games, it's just that... well... you know how some celebrities are just famous for being famous?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, these games are like that, except opposite. They're hated for... being hated. No real reason, it's just an easy way to get thumbs-ups on Youtube- just bash the new Sonic games, and everyone starts cheering you on. I call it the Reverse-Kim-Kardashian effect, RKK for short."

"And I suppose you support Sonic '06, too?"

"Hey, there's a limit even to my compassion. Anyways, enough soapbox-standing, let's just go and... where'd they go?"

Sure enough, Mario, Link, and Zelda had already left the area, pushing on through the campsite.

"Flame wars make me uncomfortable," Mario was muttering.

"Isn't that kind of weird, I mean, considering your powers?" Link asked.

"Look, there's fire, then there's flames," Mario muttered. "And if you start singing, you'll receive a very explicit demonstration of the difference."

"I wasn't going to!" Link objected, quickly hiding the guitar he'd brought out for that very purpose.

They met quite a few others on their trip, but this is starting to stretch on, so let's just have a quick summary. The next person they met was Douglas Falcon, former captain of Nintendo's Smash-Up team, who proudly informed them that he'd been accepted as the back-up Defence for the Mute City Smash-Up team, with an eye towards becoming the main defence a few years down the line. Mario had to express his pride in his old captain- after all, it had only been a couple months since he'd graduated from the Smash Bros.

Next came Lucas Ikari, who, like Diddy, had invited a couple of his muggle-born friends with him to the event, such as Duster Osohe and- to Mario's surprise- Kumatora Jones, a member of the Nintendo team's offense. The latter spent a great deal of time discussing the likely outcome of the match with Mario before Link and Zelda finally managed to pry him away.

All in all, it was quite a while before the group finally made it back to the campsite. Kirby and Meta were ready to greet them when they finally did. "Took you long enough," Kirby noted.

"Met some people, had some debates, accidentally sparked some flame wars," Mario muttered.

"Does Mr. Faron have the campfire started, yet?" Zelda asked.

Kirby and Meta opened their mouths, closed them, sighed, and motioned for them to follow, all in perfect unison.

Rusl was busy trying to light the match, but every time he did, he dropped it in surprise. "Seriously?" Mario muttered. "You guys don't even have matches in the smasher world?"

"You want to help him out a bit, Mario?" Meta suggested. "I mean, fire _is _your territory..."

Mario sighed, and went to help. "Hey, Mr. Faron, mind if I give it a shot?"

"Not at all, my boy, not at all..."

"Right, now what you want to do is," Mario began, before looking up and suddenly putting on a horrified expression. "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?!"

As Rusl spun around, looking for whatever had caused Mario such panic, Mario quickly summoned some fire to his hands and dropped it in the fireplace.

"I don't see anything," Rusl noted as he turned back, looking confused.

"Oh, must have been my imagination," Mario shrugged. "Anyways, got the fire going!"

"Oh!" Rusl's eyes widened as he glanced at the new fire roaring in front of him. "These matches are potent things- muggles really are clever! If one of them can start a fire on this scale, we may have found the answer to limitless energy!"

Mario shrugged and glanced over at where Kirby and Meta Knight were just barely hiding their laughter.

Despite the size of the fire, it wasn't actually that hot- as fire went, of course, so it was a while before the water they placed over it even began to bubble. Between waiting for the water to boil and waiting for Linebeck, Midna, and Rob to arrive, the group didn't have much to do. Rusl tried to distract Mario and Zelda, at least, by pointing out the large number of smashers passing by and commenting on them. Mario lacked interest, but tried to tune in every now and again just to refrain from hurting Rusl's feelings. Like now-

"And that's Turner Grey- not sure what he gets up to, he works in the SCP Foundation."

"SCP?" Mario asked, eyebrows rising.

"Secure, Contain, Protect," Rusl explained. "They're basically smasher Men in Black."

"You mean, they deal with stuff so weird that _smashers _can't deal with them?" Mario asked, eyebrows raising even higher.

"Basically, yes. So, as you can imagine, not much of what they do is released to the public, and they apparently sign confidentiality agreements when they start work there..."

Conveniently, the fire was finally ready to cook at almost the exact moment that a strange black shape formed in the sky. It was seemingly comprised of black squares, with teal lines running around it in geometric patterns, with a large vortex in the center. Out of it, large clumps of more black squares began to fall, gathering on the ground and taking shape, gaining color, until they ultimately became Midna, Linebeck, and Rob.

"That still throws me off, you know," Linebeck commented, looking up at where the portal was dissipating.

"Hey, you're the one who likes to avoid teleporting yourself whenever you can," Midna retorted.

"I could have done it myself, you know," Rob spoke, sounding agitated.

"Oh, I bet you could have," Midna smirked.

"Hey, over here!" Rusl spoke up.

"Hey, Dad!" Midna smiled, leading the three over to the campsite. "Got the tents all ready, I see. And getting some cooking done!"

Rusl was on the point of agreeing when something caught his eye. "Well, if it isn't M. C. Ballyhoo himself!"

Everyone turned to see a strange being passing by. Truth be told, Mario couldn't even tell what manner of being this guy was supposed to be- he certainly wasn't in his human form, but most of his body was hidden by his clothing. Between his purple suit, red bowtie, and, as Kyon had said, an overlarge purple hat with a face on it, the only part of this smasher he could see was his mouth, which was much larger than any human's.

"Hey, Rusl!" Ballyhoo cried in joy as he rushed over. "Great to see you! Love the day, huh? Nothing could be more perfect for the match- not a cloud in the sky, nothing going wrong at all- today, my friend, life is good!"

Rob stood and approached hurriedly with his hand out. Mario smirked at Link- whether he approved of Ballyhoo or not, Rob was a sucker for authority, and, whatever else may be said of him- Mario wasn't one to say much, this being his first meeting with him- he _was _the head of his department, so...

"Ah, have you met my kids?" Rusl asked. "That's Rob, and over there, we have Midna, Linebeck..." each person looked up and waved as their name was mentioned, "... and Kirby and Meta- can't tell which is which, so those are Kirby and Meta, we can work out the fine details later... and Link, and, of course, Peach! And over here, we have our guests for the summer, Zelda Hyrule and Mario Mario."

Ballyhoo jumped as Mario's name was mentioned. Mario couldn't see it- Ballyhoo's eyes, after all, were hidden beneath his gigantic hat- but he was fairly certain that they were flicking up to his forehead.

"And as for everyone else, this is M. C. Ballyhoo- he's the one who got us these tickets in the first place!"

"Not at all, not at all!" Ballyhoo said happily. "Speaking of the match, though, how about placing a few bets?"

"Er... not really sure that would be the best thing..." Rusl mumbled uncomfortably.

"Oh, come now, don't be a spoilsport!" Ballyhoo objected. "Everybody's doing it! Even Gaignun Kukai and his brother have offered me some shares in that new company they're starting up- the Kukai Foundation, I believe they're calling it- that Mobius will come out on top!"

Rusl clearly hadn't taken that many classes in school about withstanding peer pressure. "Well... okay... I guess if Gaignun's doing it... but I don't have much... how about... a red coin that says Germany will win?"

Ballyhoo allowed the very barest sign of disappointment to cross his face, then smiled just as wide as before, producing a ledger, and writing down Rusl's name and bet. "Alright, very good... any other takers?"

Mario leaned back- he wasn't a betting person. Looking around, he saw Link, Midna, Rob, Linebeck, and Peach all shaking their heads or otherwise shying away, and he didn't even need to look at Zelda 'cold-logic' Hyrule to know she wouldn't risk any of her money. Not... one... coin. However, there _were _two puffballs who decided to speak up at that moment.

"Okay, let's lay it out for ya," Kirby spoke, standing up.

"Here's how it's gonna go down- freestyle, yo!" Meta added.

The two produced their wallets and pooled their money. "We've got twelve gold coins, sixteen rupees, seven reds, and thirty-six blues!" they said in unison.

"And they're all saying the same thing," Kirby grinned.

"Germany's got this game," Meta affirmed.

"But it's not that simple, either," Kirby smirked.

"Because even though Germany wins," Meta continued.

"Fei won't even get a _glimpse _of that Smash Ball before Sonic grabs it!" Kirby cheered.

Everyone looked from them to Ballyhoo. Ballyhoo smiled, then grinned, then burst out in laughter. "So, what you're telling me is, Germany will win, but Mobius will get the Smash Ball?"

"No doubt!" both puffballs nodded.

"Well, I'll certainly take you up on that- no chance of it happening, none at all!"

Everyone watched as Kirby and Meta handed him all their money up front, and their names went down in the ledger.

Upon completing this task, he set the ledger to the side and turned to Rusl. "So, I don't suppose you've seen Manfred von Karma anywhere, have you? Olimar's trying to arrange some things with Mobius's president, but there's something of a language barrier there, so he thought von Karma might be able to help..."

Mario watched Link wince, eyes fixed on Rob. Rob, meanwhile, was trembling with an excitement above even what Mario had shown at meeting Kyon. "Von Karma?" he spoke, almost squealing with delight. "Oh, he'll settle that for you, alright- he speaks over a hundred languages! German, Mobian, Ancient Greek, Sign language, Zoran, he can talk to any pokemon-"

"Oh, and here you had us all hyped up!" Kirby interrupted. "Sorry to break it to ya, Rob, but anyone can talk to pokemon."

"Yeah, just figure out their name and repeat it to them over and over again, not that overwhelmingly difficult," Meta agreed.

Sensing a fight approaching, Rusl intervened. "So, Ballyhoo, any news about Adrian Andrews yet?"

"Nothing," Ballyhoo shrugged. "Zip, zero, zilch. Last I saw her, she was heading for Germany to do some business with their government. Unfortunately, like I keep saying, she's one of the biggest klutzes I've ever dealt with- probably misread the map and wound up in Southern Africa somewhere. Mark my words, she'll be back by the end of the year- probably thinking it's the same month she left."

"Perhaps," Rusl said uncertainly, "but still, don't you think you should at least consider sending some people out to look for her?"

"You sound like von Karma," Ballyhoo chortled. "He's been getting on me about it ever since he heard- actually sounded kind of scared, now that I think about it, though I don't know why he should be. And I probably would, but we're so busy right now, what with... everything... that we just don't have anyone to- ah, speak of the Devil, and he shall appear! Manny!"

Everyone turned to see another smasher walking by. Mario blinked- he'd been doubting, not too long ago, that any smasher would manage to pass the Smith Test of Normalcy (TM), but he thought he may have just found one. Manfred Von Karma was aging, but this didn't stop him from having an aura of authority about him. The first thought that crossed Mario's mind, actually, was that he somewhat resembled a parrot- between his nose, the shape of his head, and the way his gray hair was slicked back- yeah, he really looked like a parrot. Beneath this, he was dressed in an extravagant blue suit that gave off a sense of wealth and austerity, complete with what the author had, in the previous story, referred to as a weird handkerchief thing, but, having discovered it's actual name, and been threatened with the patented 'Edgeworth Stare' if he referred to it as such again, now referred to it as a cravat. If there was any smasher more different from Ballyhoo and his boyish charm, it was likely this one.

"Manny! Hey, hey, Manny! Come on over, take a seat, have some eggs!" Ballyhoo whooped as von Karma approached.

"I don't think I will, thank you very much," von Karma replied coldly. Mario was surprised- this guy's voice was... deep. He'd heard Ganondorf's voice for the first time a couple years back, and, at the time, he'd thought that was the deepest, most demonic-sounding voice he'd ever heard, but now that he'd heard this guy talking... no contest, he beat out Ganondorf by a large margin.

Continuing, he said, "Unlike certain other heads of department I could mention, I have a sense of responsibility. I got your memo about the Mobian President- he wants us to add some extra seats.

"Oh, sweet!" Ballyhoo grinned. "I wondered what he wanted..."

Any further conversation was interrupted by Rob jumping up. "Mr. Von Karma! Mr. Von Karma!" he said rapidly. "Would you like some tea?"

"Oh," von Karma grunted, turning his attention to the robot. "Hmm... yes, I'll take some tea, Mr. Anderson."

Kirby and Meta choked as they heard this. Apparently, von Karma was being voiced by Hugo Weaving. Rob did what Mario could only describe as blush- as much as a robot could blush- as he heard his brothers' snorts, and began making some tea for his boss.

"And as for you, Rusl," von Karma continued, ignoring his subordinate's embarrassment, "I need to have a word with you as well. It's that wretched salesman from Lavender Lane- he wants me to get in contact with you to discuss that mask of his."

"I've already told him," Rusl said cooly, "Unless it's a power controller, masks _are _classified as muggle objects- filling them with curses and hexes is, therefore, against the law."

"He knows that, I think," von Karma grimaced, "but I think he wants you to take a look at it to confirm that he isn't the one who placed said hexes on it in the first place. Help his defense attorney get him off the hook with it. I don't care for defense attorneys... needless things. They are like bugs to me- something only to be crushed."

"Hey, relax, there, buddy!" Ballyhoo interjected. "It's been quite a few years since you were a prosecutor, and I'm sure you've got other things keeping you busy!"

Von Karma's gaze turned even colder as Ballyhoo said this, but his voice was steady as he replied. "Of course I am. Between covering for _your _screw-ups, strategically placing Whir-Gates all over every planet known to contain life, _and_ beginning preparations for... upcoming events... oh, I keep myself busy indeed."

"Sounds like you two'll be glad when this whole thing's over?" Rusl suggested.

"Oh, heck no!" Ballyhoo responded, sounding shocked at the suggestion. "Are you kidding? I'm having so much fun with this event I can't stand it! Though, hey, it's not like there's nothing to look forward to after this, amirite, Manny? Plenty left to do after this, huh? Wink wink, nudge nudge?"

He was indeed nudging von Karma with his elbow, though, his eyes hidden by his hat, Mario couldn't tell if he was winking. Von Karma, for his part, grabbed his left arm with his right hand, gripping it tighter and tighter in seeming agitation as Ballyhoo continued his nudging, before simply growling out, "Do not touch me."

"Sorry," Ballyhoo said quickly, withdrawing his elbow. "I just thought-"

"We are not discussing this in public, Ballyhoo," von Karma continued growling out. "We still haven't finished with all the-"

"Details, details," Ballyhoo said dismissively. "Not like it's going to be secret for long, is it? They'll be finding out on their first day of school, if not earlier! And it's not like anyone will be pulling out, either, it's all going according to-"

"Come," von Karma growled, standing abruptly and wrenching Ballyhoo up by the arm so suddenly that the latter spilled tea all over his front. "We have to see about those extra seats."

And before anyone could say different, von Karma had stepped forward into nothingness, dragging a still-protesting Ballyhoo with him.

"Oooooookay," Meta muttered into the silence left behind. "I guess Kirb and I will be the first to say it..."

"What were they talking about, Dad? What's going on at the Smash Bros. this year?"

Rob perked up, eager at the chance to finally give his condescending speech. "The events transpiring at the Smash Mansion this year have been classified until such a time as the Government sees fit to divulge it. If Manfred von Karma did not see fit to divulge such sensitive information to pedestrians such as yourselves, he was quite right to-"

"Ah, shut up, Mr. Anderson," Linebeck smirked.

XXXX

Time continued passing, and, as the time of the main event itself approached, the government agents basically gave up trying to suppress the signs of smashing all over the campground- not that they'd been doing a great job of such in the first place. It was time for the best part of any sporting event- the souvenir stands, including action figures of all the players, insignias of each team's symbols that shouted out the players of said teams, and strange devices known as hawk-eyes that Link labored over, checking his pockets and finding himself coming up short in the funds department.

"Whatcha lookin' at?" Mario asked, examining them.

"Hawk-eyes," Link muttered. "Special binoculars, basically, but they let you do all sorts of things with what you see through them, and they're already more effective than most muggle binoculars..."

"Right..." Mario muttered, examining one of the boxes. Turning to the salesman, he said, "Three pairs, please. On me."

"Oh, come on, Mario, don't bother-" Link began grumbling. He was somewhat touchy about Mario being on the exact opposite end of the financial scale from him.

"Consider it an early Christmas present," Mario said dismissively, handing him and Zelda a pair each. "Might as well get the best view of the Grand Prix while it's going on, right?"

"If- if you say so," Link said uncertainly, but accepting the hawk-eye nonetheless.

Finally, the Faron group met up in the center of a large clearing where the spectators were beginning to gather. Everyone was laden with souvenirs with the exception of Kirby and Meta Knight, who, of course, had already given all their money to Ballyhoo, though they assured Mario that, with the payoff they intended to receive, it would be well worth it.

The excitement over the clearing was palpable as the sun slid down behind the horizon, and there was almost a mass heart attack as the gong signifying the beginning of the main event sounded.

"Let's get going," Rusl said, smiling as he stood. "It's time."

_XXXX_

*Yeah, I know, he's not from a video game, but since he's a muggle, and it's only a bit part, I thought it would be okay. Hope that's alright by you guys.

So, why was I so excited for this chapter, you ask? Well, it all has to do with the missing **: the section of this chapter bookended by the twin asterisks, with the boy in the lab coat talking to Mario, Link, and Zelda, is the very, _very _first scene I ever imagined for this series. Ever. The way it went was, one day, I woke up in a Mountain-Dew-induced craze, and happened to imagine that scene, based on one from Harry Potter, going almost exactly the way it's been reproduced here, and then began to wonder what sort of events would lead up to that. The ideas that stemmed from that little self-introspection, and ultimately led to the writing of the very first chapter of _Hylian Stone_! So, I guess you could say this is where everything comes full circle! But don't worry, plenty of ideas have come up since then, we're still going strong! Hope the longer chapter makes up for the last chapter being shorter, and next time, it's time for the match of the century! Or something. See you guys then, and in the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	8. Random Quicky: Who's My Mad-Eye?

"Gamer4 in!" yelled a strange-looking young man as he entered a small room with three mysteriously-curtained alcoves. He was, once more, referring to himself in past tense and third person, with dirty brown hair, and dressed in a strange ensemble of sandals, neon-green shorts, a purple shirt with a raven imprinted on it, and a pair of Harry-Potter style round glasses, all topped off with an awkward heavy black coat. "Hello, people, and welcome to what would _normally _be the next chapter of the story," he continued. "And don't worry, the next _actual _chapter should be up tomorrow. But for now, I've got a bit of a story to tell, and I _am _building up to something. If you're just here for the story, go ahead and skip this chapter, it's not required reading...

"Anyways, here's what's going on. For the most part with these stories, I've been coming up with character replacements on my own, though I have been taking suggestions from friends, family, and readers every now and again. What's the point of noting this, you ask? Well, for the most part, while many different characters potentially _could _fit a certain role, there's usually one that stands out somehow to me. However, I recently hit a snag with a character that seems to have three counterparts, each of which could play the role well, in their own way. And that character is, as you can tell by this chapter's title: Mad-Eye Moody!

"I have the idea down to three specific characters from different games, and they all have their own merits on which to be in this story, but aside from Mad-Eye, there aren't really any other roles for them that jump out at me, meaning they're less likely to appear if they don't land this role. So, since this is such a unique situation of this ilk, we're going to do something a little different this time- we're going to introduce the characters to you right here, right now, and let you guys decide who's going to take the spot!"

Grinning like a maniac, the strange boy crossed the room to the first curtain, with a glowing number 1 over it, right next to a neon lightning bolt. "Let's see what we've got behind curtain number 1, shall we?" he asked rhetorically. Reaching up, he pulled a rope that had most certainly not been there three seconds before, revealing a glass tank with a cybernetic human inside, with pure white hair and currently giving Gamer4 the hardest glare he could muster.

"When I get out of here, you're going to die. You know that, right?"

"Probably," Gamer4 nodded gleefully. "Here, we have Jack, also known as Raiden! Introduce yourself, why don't you?"

"I am lightning, the rain transformed."

"Good to know," Gamer4 smiled. "Anyways, Raiden here is from the Metal Gear series, briefly taking over the 'main character' role from Snake in the second 'Solid' game, and returning as a vital character in the fourth! He originally came to my attention when a review noted that he would be a pretty good-" Ocelot gesture "-character to portray Mad-Eye- I mean, just look at him, he's pretty war-torn. He's like the freaking Winter Soldier here- how much of that is prosthetic?"

Raiden glared icily. "The only part of me that's still human is the top of my head and my spinal cord."

"Case in point, moving on!" Gamer4 nodded, turning to the second curtain. "And here, we have... Wander!"

The second curtain rose to reveal a younger man with black hair and dressed in medieval style clothes with a bow and arrow slung over his back. "Where's Mono?" he asked, growling as Gamer4 revealed himself.

"I haven't touched her!" Gamer4 quickly noted, raising his hands in surrender. "I just knocked you out and dragged you out of the Forbidden Lands to be a contestant on this little game show!"

"Let me go back, I have to save her!"

"All in good time," Gamer4 brushed him aside. "Anyways, this is Wander, protagonist of Playstation 2 masterpiece _Shadow of the Colossus, _and hunter of... well... colossi! This is the next person I thought of for the role, as he seems to have a dark history of his own, and even though he seems pretty pristine _now, _he gets pretty roughed up over the course of his own game- this time, I think I'd compare him to John Mclane."

Turning to the third and final curtain, he reached up and pulled one final disappearing-reappearing rope. "And finally, as a last-minute addition, we have..."

"S'up," said the warrior within the final tank. He had hair that's either blond or red, depending on the game you're playing, and was dressed in full body armor.

"Wanna give us your name?"

"Simon Belmont," the warrior said simply.

"Simon Belmont!" Gamer4 repeated cheerily. "This guy actually came to _me_\- pointed out that he's got a long history fighting very bloody battles in the name of all that's right and good in the world, (for further details, see Castlevanias 1, 2, and 4,) gets pretty torn up throughout, and there are a few other reasons that, for this story, he'd just fit right in!"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Wander interjected, raising his hands. "Hold up: if _he _came to _you, _why is he still in a tank?"

"Just didn't want you guys to feel bad," Gamer4 shrugged. "Anyways, welcome to the first, last, and only episode of: _WHO'S MY MAD-EYE?!_ Here's how it works- we get you a brief introduction into each of these characters, and then you, the readers, decide, whether in reviews, private messages, or, more simply, the poll up on my profile, who gets the honor of playing the legendary wizard warrior himself! Let's get started!"

Reaching into a coat pocket, Gamer4 produced a small piece of paper. "A few questions to break the ice with the readers here- alright, if you were accepted as Mad-Eye, what would you keep as your power controller?"

Raiden casually produced a long sword from behind him. "My katana, of course," he growled. "I'm like the Bride from Kill Bill with this thing- I can't wait to cut through you like a hot knife through butter."

"Good to hear!" Gamer4 said, his smile suddenly becoming much more forced. "Wander?"

"My bow and arrow," Wander said right away, fingering said weapon.

"But don't you have a sword in your own game?"

"I stole that thing, I'm not actually that _good _with it- but with my bow, it's another story."

"Fair enough- and you, Simon?"

"What else- my whip," Simon said right away, producing said whip and brandishing it. "We were talking about it earlier, remember, and you said-"

"I remember _exactly _what I said," Gamer4 interrupted, waving his hands frantically. "I was just asking so we could get it on record." Turning back to his paper, he asked, "Alright, second question- what would you consider your greatest accomplishment to date?"

"Close three-way tie," Raiden responded without missing a beat. "Either taking down twenty Metal Gear Rays in one battle, defeating an entire unit of miniature Metal Gears by _breakdancing, _or the moment I get out of this tube and-"

"Yeah, yeah, we know the rest," Gamer4 said quickly, not wanting to hear about his apparently _increasingly _painful demise. "Wander, why don't you step up and-"

"Fighting sixteen giant monsters of flesh and stone, varying from twice my size to twice the size of the average skyscraper, all in one day, with only lizard tails and the occasional apple to eat between."

"Very impressive," Gamer4 gave a grin and a nod of acknowledgement. "And people call you and Raiden wimps. Simon?"

"Killing Dracula, not once, not twice, but _thrice."_

"That guy just won't stay dead, will he?" Gamer4 raised an eyebrow.

"You're telling me- you're not the one who's family has to keep putting the freaking guy down. And on top of that, he controls all the horror monsters- Frankenstein's monster, werewolves, mummies, hunchbacks, _Death himself_\- you think it's _easy_, killing all those guys over and over again?"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, you killed _Death_?" Gamer4 asked, eyes widening.

"Thrice. Why?"

"He's a friend of mine! No wonder he's always complaining about his job!"* Shaking his head, Gamer4 returned to the paper. "Alright, third question- you _do _realize you'll have to give up an _eye _for this role, don't you?"

"I already cut off one of my arms to save Snake from a battleship," Raiden growled. "One eye more or less makes no difference to me."

"Oooooookay," Gamer4 noted, steadily backing away from Raiden. "Wander, whatcha got?"

"I already gave up my humanity to save Mono," Wander shook his head. "I will sacrifice anything for a truly noble goal."

"Well, if it makes you feel better, she probably survived to become a queen in _Ico_," Gamer4 noted, patting Wander on the back, keeping just what _kind _of queen she'd have become to himself. "And, Simon?"

"I'm Simon freaking Belmont," Simon replied. "Do you really think taking my eye will even _slow me down_?"

"Fair enough!" Gamer4 nodded. "And, finally- just give us a single sentence to explain why people should vote for you!"

"I said it already: I am lightning, the rain transformed," Raiden repeated, and if one looked closely, they might actually see the lightning crackling through his hair.

"I fought a giant bird twice as long as the Empire State Building is tall... and won," Wander affirmed.

"I ate a bowl of nails for breakfast... without any milk," Simon grinned.

"Okay, that is all for today's episode of _WHO'S MY MAD-EYE?!_" Gamer4 said, smiling as he lowered the curtains again. "I guess that means it's time for the end notes! Real quick apology to anyone who was expecting a regular chapter today, this won't be a regular thing. It's just that this was kind of a unique situation where I genuinely wanted some reader input- as much as it may annoy AFOSB. However, like I said, the next _real _chapter should be up tomorrow-it's already half-written, and I'll have the whole day to write- so in the meantime, please R&amp;R, be sure to vote, whether through reviews, private messages, or just the poll up on my profile, constructive criticism welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!"

*Quick reference to a short story written quite a few years ago by me and a friend of mine, known to the internet as Fabls, wherein we both essentially created our own characters and put them in wild situations. His character, a close friend of mine, turned out, in the end, to be Death. Ah, memories...


	9. The Smash-Up Grand Prix

Gamer4 in! I'm on a Mario Mario binge lately, so I'm getting started on this one a little earlier than I'd thought! I mean, it'll probably still be Monday at the earliest that I actually get this chapter out, but... you know, if you're reading this right now, you probably already know when it came out, so what's the point of offering speculation? Especially since it seems like every time I do that, it leads me to another hiatus... alright, forget I said anything! Let's just get to the next chapter before I jinx myself any further!

Disclaimer: Reaching for his saddlebag, he takes a battered book into his hand. Standing like a prophet, bold, he shouts across the ocean to the shore, 'til he can shout no more:

Chapter VIII

The Smash-Up Grand Prix

Tension only continued to rise as Mario followed the rest of the Farons down the path to the stadium's entrance, which included a long tunnel decorated with brightly-colored lights- obviously a stylistic choice, considering the smasher world had the ability to light anything up without the source being obvious. At one point, they came to an area with an opening to the stands, where Mario witnessed just a glimpse of the stadium within- easily the largest enclosure Mario had ever seen, most likely capable of keeping every football field, baseball diamond, and bowling alley in the country within it. Glancing at Rusl, he saw the man smiling.

"Nice, isn't it? It _is _designed to house all the smashers coming to see the match, after all."

Mario nodded mutely- suddenly, he knew how Haruhi Suzumiya had felt, walking into that baseball diamond and seeing all the people there- but where it made her feel insignificant, Mario was simply awed that there were _this _many smashers in the world. He really wasn't alone...

Mario's initial motion was to move towards the opening, but Rusl put a hand on his shoulder, still smiling, shaking his head and motioning towards a nearby set of stairs. "We've got some more climbing to do- we're in the top box! Best seats in the house!"

Mario shrugged, and turned to follow the group as they began their long ascent. Seriously, it was like climbing a skyscraper. This match had _better _be worth it... and he smiled, suspecting that it would be.

Finally, they arrived at their seats, situated what felt like ten or twenty miles above the ground. Mario took out his hawk-eye and gave an experimental glance at the field- well, he'd certainly gotten his money's worth; through the hawk-eye, he could see each individual blade of grass on the ground, even as high up as they were.

The entire stadium was, in the very fashion Mario had been remembering earlier, lit with a mysterious light that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere, all at once. Using his hawk-eye to examine the large stadium, his eyes alighted on a large billboard, over which was standing a plump man with a moustache and long, almost tentacle-like arms, with a single squiggly hair over his head. He was whispering to a strange drone-like object, conical, with a horn coming from the side, a long, mechanical arm coming out of the bottom, with a propellor on the top. As the 'discussion' finished, the drone, or pod, or whatever it was, descended to the billboard and began writing out what seemed to be advertisements, with things like:

_Growshrooms: eat one to grow to twice your size! Perfect for skinnies looking to pack on some extra girth!_

_Your voice is weak . It does not carry. No one notices you. If this is true, pick up an amplified amplifier at a Hocotate shop near you! Starting today, you are a gym teacher- you will never be ignored again!_

_The nanotechnology making up the patented Hocotate Inc. Shock Therapist (TM) gathers negative ions in the atmosphere and converts them to energy, and releases it with an almighty ZAP, instantly relieving muscle soreness and joint stress! _And, under that, in letters so small Mario had to adjust his hawk-eye and squint with all his might to just _barely _make them out, _May render the user unconscious. _

Having decided that the billboard had nothing to sell him, Mario looked away and began looking over the surrounding seats. Aside from him and the Farons, there only seemed to be one other occupant of the box- a strange creature in front of him resembling a dinosaur or dragon...

"_Yoshi?!" _Mario gasped. He hadn't expected to see this character again, as he'd been so scarce (read: nonexistent) in the previous story. Nevertheless, his shout caught the attention of both Link and Zelda, who turned curiously- while they'd both heard a great deal of stories about the dinosaur/dragon/thing from Mario, they had yet to actually meet him.

However, when the thing turned around, it became apparent that not only was it _not _Yoshi, it was a wonder that Mario could have possibly mistaken it for his old friend in the first place. While it _did _seem to be of a similar species to the yoshis, its skin was pink, it had a bow on top of its head, and, in place of a mouth and nose, simply had a gigantic hole in the front of its face, in a large snout, that seemed to serve the purposes of both.

"Did the young master just call me Yoshi?" the thing asked in a strange voice.

"Sorry," Mario said quickly. "You just kind of... reminded me of someone I know."

"But Birdo knows Yoshi too!" the creature- presumably Birdo- exclaimed, eyes widening. "Birdo is a yoshi herself, after all!"

Mario blinked. "Well, that raises two questions in my mind... first, if you're a yoshi, why do you... er... well..."

"It was an accident," Birdo muttered self-consciously, raising a hand to her snout. "Birdo's master was experimenting with gamma radiation and nanomachines. Things went wrong, and... well..."

"Mario, that was really insensitive," Zelda berated him, throwing him a disapproving look.

"Do I _need _to remind you about Whitestorm?" Mario retorted easily. "Anyways, question 2- do all yoshis just know each other inherently?"

"No, but Birdo has met the yoshi with the simplest name before- he spoke of you. You... surely, Mario Mario?"

"Yeah, that's me. So, you've talked to Yoshi?"

"Oh, yes, little master- he speaks very highly of you."

"Huh. Well, how's he doing?" Mario was genuinely curious- last he had seen Yoshi the yoshi, the dinosaur-dragon-whatever had just been released from the 'servitude' (very, very, very, _very _generous term) of the Dragmire family. "Hope he's happy in his new freedom?"

Birdo glanced at the ground, looking wrong-footed. "Ah... about that... Birdo isn't sure freeing him was the best idea... if little master doesn't mind Birdo saying..."

"Why not?" Mario raised his eyebrows. "Is he in trouble?"

"Not exactly," Birdo shook her head. "But... Yoshi _is _having trouble finding more work. He is getting... strange ideas..."

"What kind of ideas?" Mario asked, completely lost.

Birdo looked from side to side, as though she were about to utter the dirties, most forbidden words she knew. "Yoshi wants... wants... to be _paid._" She shuddered at the sheer thought of it.

Now Mario was even more confused. "And... so? What of it? I mean, I know the Dragmires never paid him, but they're the only family I know of more dysfunctional than the Smiths, so I kind of expected that... what's wrong with him wanting money for his work?"

Birdo gaped at him as though he'd sprouted a second head- though, given the world we're talking about here, that was, at some level, a distinct possibility. "Yoshis are not supposed to be paid!" she gasped. "Yoshis are supposed to do as their masters say, not thinking of themselves! He is doing all kinds of things that yoshis are not supposed to- Birdo is worried the government is going to drag him in any day now- like a common _goomba!_"

"Well, I mean... isn't it about time he got out and smelled the free air?" Mario asked, wondering if he sounded like a motivational poster.

"Not... the point... of yoshis!" Birdo repeated. "Take Birdo- Master von Karma tells Birdo to save him a seat in the top box for him!" As she said this, she tapped the seat next to her. Mario noticed that her hand stopped about half a foot or so- he wasn't that good at measurements sans some sort of measuring device- above the seat, rather than making contact with it. Odd... but then again, world of smashers, it probably wasn't important. "Now, Birdo does not like heights- at all- Birdo gets vertigo on the second floor of Master von Karma's house- but Master von Karma has said it, so Birdo obeys, like a good yoshi."

"He needs a seat, so he sent you up here even though you're afraid of heights?" Zelda asked, frowning, and this time, Mario had to agree- there was something screwy there. "He couldn't come up himself?"

"Master von Karma is very busy," Birdo said quickly, and Mario couldn't help but think her cheeks turned a little red. "He has not time to come up himself- he may not even make it to the match, he says... very close thing..."

"But, if that's the case..." Mario muttered, hand rising to his moustache.

"Birdo is uncomfortable! Must return to making sure nobody takes Master von Karma's seat!" With that, Birdo turned away from them and began staring intently at said seat, as though intent on memorizing its individual atoms.

"Huh," Link grunted, raising an eyebrow. "So, that's a yoshi, huh? Kind of weird."

"Maybe so," Mario agreed, "but she's still got nothing on _the _Yoshi."

It was at this point that the narrator stepped in to point out that Birdo was also a transvestite.

"No, Yoshi was still weirder," Mario shook his head. He looked to Zelda for her opinion, only to find her brow furrowed, clearly in deep thought, working on calculating the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything.

He was on the point of asking her what was up when Linebeck, opening a program from his seat behind them, noted, "Huh, looks like the teams are going to put on a show for us to kick things off."

"I don't doubt it," Rusl nodded, smiling. "The teams are always putting on shows for the crowd in their karts before the match- we are smashers, after all, if there's an opportunity to show off, we're going to take it."

XXXX

And so it came to be that the next half hour or so was devoted to the group watching the box fill up around them. Rusl routinely stood up to shake hands with his coworkers, friends, subordinates, and superiors alike, and Rob kept jumping up and down like a jack-in-the-box- not the restaurant- eager to make a good impression on everyone.

Eventually, there came a point where another large group came in, being led by a short smasher recognizable to everyone present as Olimar Tate, the current president of smashing, at which Rob almost broke his circuits trying to process his excitement.

Olimar, however, had eyes only for Mario, whom he'd met and taken something of a liking to the previous story. "Ah, Mario!" he said happily, moving forward and shaking the young pyromancer's hand. "Good to see you at this event! How are you doing today?"

"Very well, thanks, Mr. President," Mario nodded respectfully.

"Oh, no need to be so formal, Mario, just call me Olimar," Olimar shrugged aside. "I never really got used to the whole 'Mr. President' thing, I insist on people using my actual name wherever possible."

"Alright... Olimar," Mario said. It wasn't that strange- he typically used that name when not addressing the man himself- but saying it to his face...

Shaking it off, he asked, "So, how are things going at your end?"

"Oh, fairly well," Olimar said airily. "I didn't have to watch an innocent Loftwing die, for one."

"And you're at one of the biggest events of the millennium," Mario pointed out.

"Well, I suppose there _is_ that," Olimar agreed, nodding. "Though I won't be up here for long- I don't know if you know it, my boy, but my term of office ends soon- in fact, I'm really just a figurehead at this point, in all but technicalities, I've already turned the office over to my successor. My last major ceremonial duty is overseeing this match, and refereeing it- I'll be heading down to my kart soon- a Dolphin Flyer, I'm quite fond of it. I'm only up here escorting the Mobian team manager to the box, as well as a few other guests... oh, right, the manager! I don't know if you know him, Mr. Dickson?"

"Eh? What was that?" spoke the man behind Olimar. He was very tall, dressed in blue jeans and a matching blue jacket. He wore a red headband, had long, blond hair tied up behind his back, with a matching moustache, wore fingerless gloves, carried a shotgun like it was nothing, and kept a cigar clenched between his teeth. "You need to speak up, boy, I can't hear you!"

Olimar sighed. "He's a little older than I am," he noted as an aside to Mario. "Going a little deaf, I'm afraid."

"I agree, Mobius has this in the bag!" Dickson nodded. "Already placed my bets with that big-mouthed brog! That team from Germany seriously needs to buck up their ideas!"

"No, no, that's not what I was saying," Olimar shook his head. "This is Mario! You know, Mario Mario? The boy who lived?"

"I don't know anyone named Wario!" Dickson objected. "Why don't you speak up every now and-"

Abruptly, the old man froze up, his eyes locking onto Mario's forehead. "Ah... aha!" he grinned. "Well, if it ain't Mario Mario! Now _that's _a face I recognize! Seen you all over the papers, boy!"

"Thought we'd get there eventually," Olimar sighed.

Midna and Linebeck smiled at each other. "Glad you don't have to deal with _that, _huh?" Linebeck grinned.

"Give me two days of that, and I'd be blowing my own brains out," Midna replied easily.

And then, abruptly, out of freaking _nowhere,_ came an answer from someone nobody present had heard before- "Good riddance, too, blood traitor scum. The world's better off without you!"

Olimar, still dealing with Dickson, didn't seem to hear this, leaving the Farons, Zelda, and Mario to freeze and turn towards the three people who'd just arrived. "Well, well, well, homey," said the second one in line. "Wondered if you'd be showin' up here."

Standing there were three new smashers, one of which Mario knew only too well. A giant, anthropomorphic turtle, hunched over slightly, with a mane of red hair, horns coming from the top of his head, claws, and spikes protruding from his shell. Bowser Dragmire, who, Tabuu aside, had branded himself almost from their first meeting as Mario's true nemesis. At one side was a tall man, dressed in white, with diamond-shaped holes placed around his clothing. His hair was equally white, falling in a braid on once side. This man was Ghirahim Dragmire, Bowser's father. Mario had only met him a handful of times, but each time, he'd managed to make Mario hate him more and more. Every time Mario thought he'd sunk to his lowest, he'd somehow found a way to dig even further, plunging right through bedrock. He carried a rapier, and was even more well-groomed than the woman who took Bowser's other side, who could only be his mother.

His mother was actually pretty short- not as short as Bowser himself, but at a couple feet shorter than her husband. Now, we _said _Ghirahim was more well-groomed than she was, like it was some big freaking deal, but it was actually a pretty low bar to jump over. Her hair, while it didn't look _disheveled, _exactly, certainly didn't have any sort of gel or unnatural sprays keeping it in line, either. There was something wild and untamed about it. It was obvious from a glance between the two that any make-up in Dragmire Manor was for Ghirahim, as his wife wasn't wearing any, while Ghirahim was never seen without it. She wore a fancy red dress that put Mario in mind of flowers and vines, and carried a scepter of some kind at her side. What was the word Mario was looking for? She felt... natural- though, the fact that she was very clearly the one to utter the earlier barb at the Farons more or less ruined any respect that she may have built up in Mario's eyes for it.

For several long moments, there was a tense stand-off between the two families, each one staring at the other. Finally, Olimar turned from his conversation with Dickson, rubbing his eyes in exasperation, and saw what was going on. "Ah, Ghirahim!" he said happily, moving forward to shake said smasher's hand. "Glad you could make it!"

"Always glad to give the masses my presence," Ghirahim responded, nice and humble, as always, following it up with an extravagant bow. "Mr. President, have you met my son, Bowser? Or my wife, Viridi?"

"Charmed," Olimar smiled, shaking hands with each in turn. "And you've met Rusl, of course?"

Mario almost wanted to face-palm at Olimar's obliviousness. Oh, they'd met before, alright- in fact, the last time they'd met, they'd trashed a great deal of Hoarder's book store, right in Twisted Lane. For a moment, he almost wondered how Olimar couldn't have read about it in the papers- but, oh, right, Tingle had been there at the time, too, he'd probably dominated the papers the next day- a thought that sickened Mario now.

"We're here on special permission from Mr. Tate himself," the lady in red, Viridi, noted in a silky voice.

"Oh, don't boast, Viridi," Ghirahim reprimanded without any conviction in his voice whatsoever- in fact, he was smirking himself. "Especially not to _these _peasants- you'll make them feel bad. They must be going hungry for the rest of the decade to have seats up here."

The parents' eyes then scanned over the procession until they landed on Zelda Hyrule. Mario really didn't like the look on their faces as they examined her- Zelda, after all, was what the smasher community called 'muggle-born'- which, as it implies, means she was born of, and raised by, muggles. It didn't really make any difference, but smashers like the Dragmires, with nothing _but _other smashers in their family tree, sure liked to think it did. Mario thought he even saw Viridi's lips forming the forbidden word- _wollywog, _the worst insult that applied to people like Zelda. For his part, he felt pride in Zelda as she refused to back down, standing and staring right back at them until, finally, they were the ones to break eye contact.

At long last, the contact was broken, and the Dragmires went off to get their seats. Olimar finally found Dickson his seat, said a quick farewell to everyone, and headed off, presumably to take up his position on the field as the referee. Just as he left, in bounced short little M. C. Ballyhoo, face hidden as ever. "Hello, hello, hello, hello!" he greeted everyone as he bounced around in excitement. "How you all doin' tonight? We got a great match coming up, it's down to me to commentate, of course, so how about we get started!"

As everyone watched, he took out a megaphone (which Mario recognized as a Hocotate-brand amplified amplifier,) and spoke into it. Mario could hear that he was speaking normally, but through the megaphone, his voice boomed out loud enough to reach everyone in the stands, some of whom were so far away Mario could only see them via hawk-eye.

"Good morning, smasher world!" Ballyhoo called out. "Well, good night," he admitted to the side, away from the megaphone. "I just wanted to make that reference." Returning to the megaphone, he continued. "Welcome, welcome, welcome everyone to the finals of the Smash-Up Grand Prix! It's been a long road getting here, really, it has. I just wish my own homeland of the Mushroom Kingdom had gotten through- that was embarrassing, truly, it was."

"What happened to the Mushroom Kingdom?" Mario whispered to Link.

"Went down in the third round to the Lylat System, 300-10," Link replied.

"Er... yes, well..." Ballyhoo adjusted his bow-tie before continuing. "Can we get hte scoreboard, please?"

Adjusting his hawk-eye again, Mario saw the noodle-armed man whisper a final few instructions to his drone, which returned to the board, and, moving at great speed, adjusted things to read: GERMANY: 0, MOBIUS: 0.

"And, without further adieu, give a warm welcome to the team from Mobius!" Ballyhoo cried out, jumping with excitement.

To Mario's surprise, a great deal of rock music burst out around the stands as one end of the stadium opened up and six players came flying out of it. Listening closely, he recognized a tangle of different songs being played and sung, all seemingly from Mobius's supporters. "Gotta go fast! Gotta go fast! Gotta go faster, faster, fasterfasterfaster!"

"Rolling around at the speed of sound-"

"Sonic boom, Sonic boom, Sonic boom, Sonic boom!"

"He's the fastest thing alive!"

Maybe they were seeing something Mario wasn't, but he looked down at the field with his hawk-eye, and noticed a blue blur. Adjusting his hawk-eye a great deal, he managed to make out an anthro blue hedgehog in a similarly colored kart, driving around incredibly fast, with so much skill, from what he could see, that he, as a kart driver himself, became a fan on the spot. The readout read: _Sonic the Hedgehog, Mobius. Drives a Speed Star. _As he watched, captions appeared across the bottom, syncing up with the movement's of the hedgehog's mouth- "Sonic's the name, and speed's my game!"

"Yes, we have Mobius's team! On the defense, Miles 'Tails' Prower! On the offense, Rouge the Bat, Amy Rose, and Espio the Chameleon! For our brawlers, we have Shadow the Hedgehog and Knuckles the Echidna! And finally, the one you've all been waiting for, _Sonic the Hedgehog!_"

Mario was still following Sonic with his eyes. "And we're still supporting Germany... because?"

"Hey, _you're _the one who said we would," Link pointed out.

"Oh, don't count Germany out _too _soon, boys," Rusl shook his head. "Watch."

Finally, Ballyhoo announced, "And on the other side, we have, all the way from Germany, we have: on the defense, Citan Uzuki! On the offense, Ellhaym van Houten, Billy Lee Black, and Emeralda Kharim! For our brawlers, we have Bartholomew Fatima and Rico Banderas! And, finally, the seeker, Fei Fong Wong!"

Mario was seized by a sudden inspiration- he activated his hawk-eye and watched as they all came careening out. The first thing he noticed was that their karts were surprisingly familiar- they were all behind the wheels of Wild Wings, the very kart that he himself drove. Huh. From here, he turned his attention to the countries they all came from. _Citan Uzuki- Japan. Fei Fong Wong- China. Rico Banderas- New York. Bartholomew Fatima- Britain. Billy Lee Black- Texas. Elly van Houten... Germany._

"Well, at least there's _one,_" Mario muttered. "Hang on, one more..."

_Emeralda Kharim- daughter of Fei Fong Wong and Elly van Houten. Considered half Chinese, half German._

"Okay, one and a _half,_" Mario corrected himself. But then he did a double take. "_Daughter?!" _

"Oh, yeah," Rusl nodded, smiling. "You wouldn't think she'd be on the team, but she's actually one of their MVPs."

Mario gave the aforementioned girl his undivided attention. She hadn't even gone through puberty yet! And yet there she was, belting along next to her mother, as her father led the group out.

It was easily apparent that Midna had spoken true before- while Mario was more impressed by Sonic's skill with his kart, the German team wasn't far behind, and there were seven of them. His confidence in his choice began to wax again.

Finally, both teams were arranged around the field's center, waiting for the match to begin. Around them, the stadium began to shift, hard light activating to produce an arena made of red brick, with grating running around to form the ramps leading up to a second, third, fourth, and fifth floor. On top of this, in several areas, the brick was broken up by pipes resembling giant warp pipes. Mario grinned, adjusting his hawk-eye as best he could. This was gonna be good...

"And here comes our referee, our own President Olimar Tate!" Ballyhoo cried out in excitement. Out onto the field came Olimar, in an old kart that time had clearly not been kind to. He carried with him a briefcase, which he opened as he approached the stadium's center. Once there, he opened it up, releasing first the glowing smash ball, identical in every way to the balls Mario was always chasing except for lacking the Smash Bros. symbol imprinted into it. Next came the chain chomps, giant steel balls with teeth and eyes, which eagerly began their work of rolling around the stadium. And finally, he lifted up the smash-up ball, holding it in his hands.

"We're all good sports, here, right?" Olimar spoke, glancing around at both teams. "It's not winning or losing, it's how you play the game, and all that, right?"

There were a few scattered nods, and Bart, seeming captain of Germany's team, flashed a grin and a thumbs-up.

"Alright... let the match... BEGIN!" Olimar called out, tossing the ball into the air. And then... it began.

Mario had thought Smash-Up had been intense at the Smash Mansion- but watching this made him realize that it really _was _the minor leagues. He'd never seen anything like this before- most of the players were blurs darting around the field, seemingly at random, and it was only through (ab)use of the hawk-eye's rewind and play-by-play functions that he was able to detect the surprisingly deep strategies each team was employing. It was almost like a game of chess between two masters- if said game of chess involved balls, karts, and everything was happening at upwards of two hundred mph. So, in retrospect, it actually wasn't anything like chess at all. Ah, you know what I meant.

Mario had been looking forward to comparing Ballyhoo's commentary to Teddy Ellay's, the commentator back at the Smash Bros., but current evidence suggested that was simply not going to happen. The smash-up ball was changing hands so fast that it was all Ballyhoo could do to keep up _without _inserting witty commentary of his own. Mario was struggling to keep up as the German offense seized the smash-up ball and began tearing the field apart. Elly began ascending the ramps, while Billy and Emeralda tossed the ball back and forth on ground level. As Mobius closed in, Elly drove by on an upper ramp, prompting Billy, in possession at the time, to toss it up to her. The strategy seemed to be going swimmingly, until a chain chomp directed at her by Knuckles came out of seemingly nowhere, knocking her off the ramp, and the smash-up ball from her hands. From there, it was picked up by Espio, who began hauling it across the field to their own goals, keeping it from Germany by tossing it back and forth with Rouge and Amy...

"Emeralda scores! Middle ring- Twenty-Zero, Germany!"

"What the- but Amy's got the smash-up ball!" Mario objected.

"You're living in the past, Mario!" Link called back, whooping along with the rest of Germany's supporters. "Literally! Get back to the present!"

Mario grumbled a bit as he re-adjusted the hawk-eye.

It was incredible. Without the hawk-eye, he thought, the only players he'd be able to see at all would be Citan and Tails, whose job was to stay rooted in one spot. But while Mobius was certainly above and beyond anything he'd seen at the Smash Bros., they just paled in comparison to Germany's offense- bluntly put, their front three tore crud up. It was like they were all connected to a hive mind, to the point that they could comfortably toss the smash-up ball over their shoulders without a second thought, just _knowing _that one of the others would be there to pick it up. Bart and Rico were gleefully keeping the chain chomps as far away from their team as possible, and Citan, on the rare occasion he had anything to do at all, swatted the smash-up ball out of the air as easily as swatting a fly. With no wings. Or legs. And was dead. Long story short, it didn't take long for Germany to score twice more, putting the score at a whopping _sixty-zero. _

At which point Mobius began to pick up their A-game. It was like the beginning of the match had been just a warm-up to them, and now they were getting serious. Shadow and Knuckles became more aggressive, not just defending their team from the chomps but actively seeking to hunt down the German players. They also seemed to be taking note of the strategies that said players were using, and utilizing the chomps more strategically to break those strategies up. The end result was, through careful application of chomps, rushing, and theft, the Mobius team scored for the first time in the match, bringing the score to 60-30.

For a while, it seemed like Mobius was getting their mojo back, retrieving the Smash-Up ball once more and managing to keep it out of Germany's hands, but then came the event that had everyone distracted. "What's this?" Ballyhoo asked, suddenly excited. "It looks like someone's seen the smash ball!"

Sure enough, a blue blur was suddenly tearing across the stadium, utilizing the warp pipes to climb to the top as fast as he could. Hot on his tail was Fei, Germany's seeker. It was a race of such epic proportions that even their teammates stopped to watch, on tenterhooks as they streaked to the very top of the arena. At this point, whoever caught the smash ball won...

And then, out of nowhere, Sonic pulled to the side, turning at almost a 90 degree angle, leaving Fei, not quite as hot on his wheel, plowing headlong into the brick wall they'd both been heading towards. With complete grace, Sonic took advantage of a nearby gap in the grating to duck down to a lower level, leaving his opponent behind.

"Ah... a feint," Mario noted, cringing in sympathy for the German seeker. He knew the power of that move- having used it himself the previous year. As he watched, some smashers dressed in a medical uniform made their way up to where Fei was slumped over his wheel. As they attempted to take care of him, he came to, and quickly brushed them aside. Nevertheless, there was a clearly dazed look in his eyes as he turned and shot back into the field.

"That had to hurt," Peach noted, just getting done with some cringing of her own.

"That'll take some time to recover from," Linebeck agreed. "And, of course, that gives Sonic more time to find the _actual _smash ball..."

It took about ten minutes for Fei to really come to, and when he did, it meant new heart for Germany, who began playing harder than ever, with the result that, half an hour after the feint, they'd pulled ahead, 90-40. Mobius was starting use more and more desperate tactics, leading to the first foul of the game as, in tried-and-true tradition, Shadow the Hedgehog decided to cut out the middleman in his brawler duties and simply fire directly upon Elly as she made her way towards the goals. Elly's head snapped back like she'd been hit in the face with a boxing glove, and she swerved, dropping the smash-up ball. There was an immediate cry of outrage from Germany's supporters, and Olimar blew his whistle.

"Okay..." he stuttered out. "I think... I think this is where I give Germany a foul..."

Which Emeralda happily took. No contest- she put it away, no trouble- another twenty points to Germany.

Now things were getting really dirty- in a chicken-egg sort of situation, the brawlers entered an arms race to see who could fire off more beams haphazardly into the other team without any consideration of whether they were aiming for chain chomps or players. Or, if you want to see the actual scene...

"Dangit, Shadow and Knuckles are really playing dirty now," Bart growled, though the effect was ruined somewhat by the wide grin on his face as he drove by Billy, one of his closer friends. "Well, you know what they say: 'Fight fire with fire.'"

"Calm down, Bart," Billy said warningly. "We should pull back a bit, develop a plan of attack..."

"I have a plan:" Bart retorted, grinning as he hoisted his super scope to aim at Mobius. "Attack!"

And things just kind of escalated from there.

The seeming culmination of this, however, came not from the brawlers, but from Amy Rose, who took a new approach and drove her kart headlong into Billy as he passed by with the smash-up ball.

"FOUL!" Germany's supporters cried in unison.

And, sure enough, this was followed by another whistle blast from Olimar, ordering another penalty.

This match-turned-battle was now escalating to an all-out war- the teams were, at this point, openly trying to destroy each other. Well, Citan and Tails weren't really doing much in the way of fouls, but the way things were looking, it seemed like they would if they weren't rooted to their spots by the goals. A couple more goals on Mobius's side began to push them back up. A look of concentration suddenly developed on Bart's face as he began seeking a specific target- he suddenly grinned as his eyes fell on the blue blur, and, setting himself on an interception course, reached out with his super scope, stepping above shooting at him and simply _bludgeoning _him with the scope's butt.

It was Mobius's turn to cry foul, and they did so. Mario, as much as he was on Germany's side, had to agree- his actions, being dependent on the Smash Ball, were few and far between, but everything he'd seen from Sonic so far was nothing short of phenomenal- and, of course, he didn't really place much value on cheap shots like that.

Sonic, however, refused the medics, just as his opponent had, even as his nose was very clearly bleeding.

Olimar was on the point of reaching for his whistle, when the sudden rallying cry became: "Fei!"

Everyone, Olimar included, turned to see Fei suddenly taking off and tearing across the field. Looking at his destination, Mario felt his heart leap- there, sitting right next to the brick wall like a small, glowing bulls-eye, was the smash ball. Sonic, seeing what was happening, abandoned any thoughts of team rivalry or medical attention, simply turning and taking off like a bullet.

Fei had a head-start, but Sonic's speed was nothing to sneeze at. He caught up just as they were both inches away from their goal, and...

"It's over!" Ballyhoo cried.

Mario blinked, rewinding one last time to see if he could work out what had happened.

And, well... history had repeated itself somewhat. Sonic had reached out and snatched the smash ball right out from under Fei's nose, and pulled another spectacular 90 degree turn to avoid running into the wall- good, because said wall was now occupied with Fei himself, flattened and sliding down it, cartoon-style.

Midna- who, after all, possessed no hawk-eye, let out a shout. "Who got it? What happened? Who won?"

"Sonic got the smash ball," Mario noted. "It's over. Sonic got the smash ball..." here, his eyes drifted up to the scoreboard, "... but Germany won."

Sure enough, the billboard was now bearing the message: Germany: 250. Mobius: 240.

"And... Germany wins!" Ballyhoo called out for all to hear. "I mean... Sonic... Sonic got the Smash Ball... but Germany won! Wow... that's... quite a toss-up..."

"What did he do that for?" Link asked, bewildered even as he joined everyone else in thunderous applause. "They were more than fifty points behind, he should have known they'd lose!"

"Guess he figured there was no chance of them catching up," Mario shrugged, glad that his gloves cushioned his hands to keep them from going raw from clapping. "Decided the next best thing was to end things on his terms."

Finished applauding, Mario retrieved his hawk-eye once more and examined the field. Sonic was being carted away by his team-mates to get some medical attention, seemingly against his own will. Meanwhile, Germany was gathering together, with Olimar leading them...

Right to the top box. As everyone watched in awe, a group of government smashers brought in a large, platinum trophy set with all sorts of precious gems as the German team entered, led by Olimar and with Fei being carried by Bart, fireman style. Bart was the first to reach out and grab the trophy's handles. He grinned as he lifted it up for all to see, then gleefully began passing it around his team. Even Fei got a chance to hold it, smiling weakly as Elly had to assist him to do so.

"Unfortunate for your team, I suppose!" Olimar shouted, much louder than necessary, to Dickson. "But you know what they say!"

"Oh, quit your bellyachin'," Dickson interrupted. "I could hear you the whole time!"

"What- what do you mean, you could hear me the whole time?!" Olimar gasped, sounding taken aback. "I mean... how... I've been signing so much today, and speaking so loudly..."

"Yeah, it was pretty funny," Dickson agreed, a smirk crossing his mouth. "Otherwise I woulda corrected you earlier!"

Olimar simply stood there, dumbstruck.

Ballyhoo, meanwhile, was casually setting aside his megaphone. "Well... very unexpected... as I said... I don't think anyone..."

"Oh, someone did!" came two singsong voices, causing Ballyhoo to turn around.

"Ah, you two!" Ballyhoo exclaimed, blinking. "Alright, you put down... how much?"

Yep, there was Kirby and Meta Knight, wasting no time in sprinting over to Ballyhoo with grins on their faces and their hands outstretched.

_XXXX_

Alright, as promised, one real chapter, up the day after the last one! I'd wrap things up here, but we've got some questions here... questions that need answering! Our first round of which comes from...

Spidershadow5!

Q: Who is Gaignun? A: Well, first off, happy late birthday! Glad I could bring some cheer! Anyways, this is an answer I could easily write a whole second fifteen-page chapter about, so, brief summary- he's a character from the Xenosaga games, a trilogy of games that serves as part of the Xeno series, also including Xenogears and Xenoblade! They're very loosely connected, and the best way I'd describe 'Saga is as Final Fantasy... in space. Except even that doesn't really describe it. He's the head of the Kukai Foundation, a company seeking to improve the lives of mutants, cyborgs, and realians (long story), and is more or less the one who commissions the heroes to begin with- and, of course, his brother, Jr., is part of the main party!

Q: Who is Kyon? A: Another question I could write a whole essay on. Long story short- he's the main character (and narrator) of a book series (with an anime adaptation) that I've been reading/watching religiously for a year or so now, _The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya! _There's not much I can say about this series without ruining it, so suffice to say, he's an ordinary guy who keeps getting caught up in extraordinary circumstances involving (say it with me, everyone familiar with the series,) aliens, time travelers, and espers. He also happens to be one of the best deadpan-snarker narrators I think I've ever seen, and, indeed, a great deal of Mario's current personality is modeled on him. Some of my favorite lines include: "Who am I kidding? The fate of the world is depending on my pitching skills. *Sigh.* Never realized the world was worth so little." and: "I hope this island doesn't turn into a turtle and swim away while we're there-" (which, as a quick sidenote, is a very real possibility in this series.) "-That would ruin my day." Again, not a video game character, but since it was a bit part for a muggle character, I hope you guys can forgive it.

Somewhat related is the first question in our round of questions from Felinewithin!

Q:Is Kyon a (scrub)? (Paraphrased, but essentially what was asked- is he a squib?) A: I suppose it's possible. I mean, I wasn't thinking of that when I wrote that scene- after all, he really does deal with all kinds of weird stuff on a regular basis, despite being a muggle, even in that series, but then again, we don't know anything about his parents. It makes you wonder...

Q:Would anime characters be smashers? A: I suppose, if they have a special power. I won't be using that many anime characters in this series, except as brief cameos (like with Kyon himself) but as for in-universe- I suppose, continuing with the _Haruhi Suzumiya _parallels, Haruhi, Nagato, Asahina, and Koizumi would be smashers, but Kyon himself, Tanaguchi, Kyon's sister, and Tsuruya (?) Would be muggles.

Q: When are Ness, Lucas, etc. going to get an actual surname? A: My goal is to keep Levi and Ikari consistent as their surnames for the rets of the series. Ness as a reference to _Loids are not Christmas, _and Lucas because he basically _is _Shinji Ikari from _Neon Genesis Evangelion_. Don't deny it- he _is._

Q: Doesn't Ballyhoo's hat talk? A: ..._ She knows too much. I'm going to have to kill her... and make sure there are no witnesses..._

Q: Is that really where you got the idea? A: Yep, whole story's true! Exactly as told. Of course, there were a few other factors, but if I had to boil everything down to one moment, that would be it.

Okay, really long author's notes this time around. Just as a heads-up, the voting for... _WHO'S MY MAD-EYE! _is still open- I'll let you guys know when it's closed. And it won't be next chapter, either, which, computer-access depending, should be up later this week! Thanks for reading as always, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	10. Random Quicky: Plaster Yellow Jackets

Gamer4 in. Okay, right off the bat, this will be something of an unorthodox update. You see, under normal circumstances, the main chapter is the focus of the update, while the notes are just to let you guys know if there's something going on at my end that will affect the story's progression. Today, however, the notes are going to be the main focus, so I can let you know what's been going on over here- though, since you came here for more story, I won't cheat you out of that. The thing is, I really need to stop saying things like "Oh, the next chapter will be up later this week." As soon as I say that, the next chapter is cursed to not go up for a couple of weeks at best. The thing is, I was _planning _to update in such a timely manner, but then a whirlwind hit- I got really sick, and though, looking back, it was a wimpy wannabe sickness that blew over in just a couple days, it was enough to keep me from writing. By the time it had run its course, other events intervened to keep me from writing, and by the time _those _blew over, there was a lot of family business I had to take care of. Honestly, still kind of in the middle of that, so no telling when the next actual chapter will be going up- hopefully next week, but again, I don't want to say that specifically, because I'll inevitably jinx myself and it'll end up coming out even later than _Xenoblade X. _Anyways, since I don't have the time to write a full chapter at the moment, here's a random quicky in the meantime, in devotion to my personal favorite creepypasta character- and really, one of only two or three I've ever been interested in, along the SCP Foundation and BEN Drowned, so that's kind of a low bar to jump over! Just taking the opportunity, as they're all in a forest at the current time. Again, time for writing really strained, so this will be a genuinely _quick _random quicky, but I plan on making up for it later with a two-part random quicky entitled _Winter of our Discotent_, which I've actually been planning for a while. Anyways, enough rambling- on with the show.

Disclaimer: "I have come o'er moor and mountain, like a hawk upon the wing. I was once a shining knight who was the guardian of a king!

Random Quicky

Plaster Yellow Jackets

or

The Case Against Slender Man

"Don't tell your mother about this, alright?" Rusl said uncomfortably to Kirby and Meta as they began making their way back through the woods towards the campground, taking a shortcut through the darkest part of the forest itself to avoid crowds. He was, of course, referring to Ballyhoo's IOU for the money they'd won from him.

"Oh, don't you worry, we've got plans for this money- and the less Mom knows, the better!" the twins chorused.

Rusl, for a moment, seemed like he was going to ask what they were planning, but seemed to decide that he'd be better off the less he knew himself.

It was just as well, because that was the moment that a call came up ahead from Link. "Oh, come _on!_" he shouted, sounding exasperated.

"What is it?" Linebeck asked, approaching quickly. "Huh? What's this- who leaves a page taped to a tree in the middle of the woods?"

Mario gave an inward groan and headed over to the tree that Link, Zelda, and Linebeck were currently examining. Link and Zelda looked exasperated, Linebeck confused. Sure enough, taped to the tree was a sheaf of notebook paper with a crudely-drawn tree on it, along with jagged letters spelling out the words, _LEAVE ME ALONE. _

"Holy Wave Existence, not this guy _again,_" Mario muttered, hand pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You wanna take care of this, Mario?" Link asked. "Sorry to ask, but I'm really tired right now, and, you know, you _are _the main character, you really should be the one to explain it to him..."

"Explain what to who?" Midna asked, joining the group and looking just as confused as her brother.

"Yeah, I'll take care of it," Mario muttered. "Link, you wanna explain it to them? Just head on back to camp, I'll meet up with you guys there..."

Looking grateful, Link led the rest of the group away from the woods and off back towards their tents. Mario turned and reluctantly pulled the page away from the tree. The moment he did, a strange noise began to fill the background- something of a buzzing sound, but not quite. It wasn't any earthly sound, he could say that much, but alongside it, he could hear what seemed to be some loud drumbeat, nice and slow.

Sighing, knowing the rest of the 'game,' Mario got to work. He followed the path in front of him. When it became too dark to see, he snapped his fingers and summoned a handful of fire to light the way- much more sustainable than flashlights. Finally, he came to what seemed to be a crashed pickup truck. Taped to the windshield was another page, this one simply having the words _HELP ME _scribbled on it. Against his better judgement, Mario reached out and grabbed it as well.

Things continued on in this fashion for a while, with Mario traipsing through the woods, feeling like a moron, and collecting a page at every landmark he came to. A large collection of metal tanks yielded a picture of a tall man in a suit with no face drawn on, surrounded by the word _NO _over and over again. In the middle of a long tunnel of sorts, he found a picture of the same man next to a crude tree, with the word _FOLLOWS _scribbled next to it. Vertically. Each note that he found increased the volume and intensity of that strange noise in the background, as well as the speed of the drumbeat. Mario, unimpressed, turned in the tunnel and saw something lurking at the opposite end. As he did, the noise suddenly came to a dramatic head, but his only reaction was to sigh, shake his head, turn, and continue on his task.

The next page was amongst a large group of trees, all of which were cut off into basically tall stumps. It bore the image of the strange man again, surrounded by more trees, with no text. Nearby, a stone structure that would look like a plus sign from a birds-eye view yielded the underlined text _DON'T LOOK OR IT TAKES YOU_ with the man in one corner and a tree in another. A little further on was a large boulder. Its page had the words _CAN'T RUN_, a scribble, a circle, and an X placed around it seemingly at random. Mario sighed. Well, that only left one other place. "It _would _end in the freaking bathroom, wouldn't it?" he muttered to himself, not at all satisfied.

The 'bathroom', as it turned out, was a series of long, narrow halls, and he could sense the thing he'd noticed earlier following him as he searched through its rooms. Shaking his head, he finally advanced to the final room, where the final page awaited. A circle, seemingly representing a face, with Xs for eyes. The text? ALWAYS WATCHES- NO EYES.

The moment he grabbed this page, all noise ceased, leaving Mario alone in silence. However, he wasn't fooled. He closed his eyes and slowly turned around. Sure enough, when he opened them, the creature that had been stalking him the whole time stood before him.

At first glance, it seemed like an ordinary human, dressed in a finely-pressed black suit, complete with tie, but then, one might notice that he stood taller than any normal person. Or that his arms seemed to drape to the ground. Or that he had no face.

Mario would admit that he'd been frightened of him- the first time he'd met him, two years ago. Back then, he'd been young and impressionable, and lost down the dark, labyrinthine street of Lavender Lane- but at this point, all fear he'd had of this creature had long since left him. "Dang it, Slendy, what do you _want?!_"

"Oh, come on, Mario, you know what I want!" the Slender Man spoke in one of the whiniest voices imaginable. "I just want to be in your story! Come on, can't I be in your story?"

Mario sighed- ever since that quick cameo, thrown in for a fast, one-off joke, this guy had been repeatedly hassling him and his friends to become a major character in the stories. "Can't you leave us alone?" he grumbled. "This is the sixteenth freaking time you've put us through one of these stupid page-collecting schticks- can't you at least get something new?"

XXXX

_Mario had just pocketed George Locke's old school planner, and was turning to leave the Poe's locker room, with Lin k at his side, when they both spotted a page nearby. "Hey, Poe," Link called over his shoulder to said spirit, "this something someone left behind?"_

_Mario leaned in and saw the design on it. "No, no..." he sighed, hand reaching up to facepalm. "I know what this is. Just a second." He reached out and seized the page, causing the noise to come up again. Link looked around in a panic. _

"_What is that?!"_

"_Nothing to worry about, I'll explain it later," Mario grumbled. "Come on, we've got to find seven more."_

XXXX

_Mario finally entered the Dungeon of Secrets, intent of finding and saving Peach from the monster within. As he walked down the central hall, he noticed that one of the pillars- in the shape of a strange cactus creature- had a page taped to it. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Slender Man standing there, hands together, looking hopeful. Sighing, he grumbled, _"Not _the time," and pushed on right past it, deeper into the dungeon._

XXXX

_Mario was walking through the streets of Peach Creek in the dead of night. Maybe he shouldn't have flipped out as much as he had, but heck if he was going back now. _

_Sighing, he entered a small playground, only to notice a page taped to the swingset. Staring at it for a moment, he simply grumbled, "Are you _serious?_" From there, he simply ignored it and went to sit on the sidewalk, also ignoring the crestfallen Slender Man along the way._

XXXX

_Mario and Roy were walking back through the tunnels beneath the Flaaghra. Mario was feeling very bouncy, having just been presented with the idea of leaving the Smiths forever, a joy only slightly dampened when he noticed a page taped to the side of the tunnel. "No freaking way," he muttered, staring at it. _

"_Something wrong?" Roy asked, diverting his attention to it. _

"_No, nothing, just this freak that keeps following me and trying to rope me into these page-collecting games."_

"_Want me to kill him?" Roy offered, only half-joking- he was so happy at the prospect of re-uniting with his godson, Mario could reveal he'd joined an evil cult of aliens intent on destroying the world, Roy would simply hoist his sword and ask how much human scum to kill. _

"_Nah, he's nothing I can't handle alone," Mario shrugged, remembering torching said man earlier in the year. _

XXXX

"That _did _hurt, you know," Slender Man recalled, rubbing his not-face where Mario had thrown a fireball earlier that very year.

"You were in my bedroom!" Mario pointed out. "How did you _expect _me to react?!"

"I wanted an answer! You never told me why I couldn't be in your story!"

"Because, for the hundredth time, _you're not from a game!_"

"I have a game! Slender, the Eight Pages! You just played it!"

"A game based off a creepypasta- we're supposed to be coming from video games without that kind of source material!"

"Isn't it in the same ballpark anyways?"

"Not in the same ballpark, not in the same league, not even in the same sport!" Mario objected, flipping the pages of his little black book full of references to get through before the end of the story. "I mean, if we let in everyone just because they _were _in a game, don't you see how much abuse that offers? I mean, pretty much everyone's been _in _a game at some point, but that doesn't make them video game characters!"

"You already let in Kyon!"

"Just for a one-off cameo," Mario retorted. "We're already going to be stretching things when we get around to Fleur's character, without including you, too!"

"Yeah, I heard about that- isn't Fleur going to be played by-" Slender Man began.

"Not important," Mario cut him off quickly.

"Oh, and I suppose it's not important that that stupid robot is going to be playing-"

"_Not _important!" Mario repeated, raising his voice. "The point is, we're stretching things enough as is without making one of the main characters someone who doesn't even come from a game!"

Long silence. Finally, the Slender Man broke it. "Well, at least _I _wouldn't flood the Smash Mansion with a deadly neurotoxin just because I got angry."

"She won't be able to do that in this story," Mario grumbled. "Look, the only thing I'm happy about right now is that I'm about to make two references in one sentence- I'll give you twenty dollars if you just make like a tree, and get outta here."

"It's leave!" Slender Man objected. "It's 'make like a tree and _leave_! You sound like a fool when you say it wrong!"

"That was the point!"

"I know, I just wanted to show you I could make references too..."

"Or just carry on the ones that _I _made," Mario pointed out. "You know what, I gotta go, the others might start worrying about me, and we've gotta advance the plot at some point."

"Oh, please, can I be in your story!" the Slender Man cried desperately. Mario turned to him, almost feeling sorry, the guy seemed so pathetic.

"Alright, tell you what," Mario sighed. "This song, here?" Here, he ripped one of the pages out of his little black book and handed it to the Slender Man. "Sing this song five million times, and we'll talk."

"Really?! Honest and truly?!" the Slender Man asked, perking up.

"And no more kidnaping children."

"Oh, right on it!" Slender Man cried happily. He looked down at the paper, and began singing. Horribly. "You got to love the world! Be a friend! And when you're down, you gotta get up again! And when you're blue, here's what you do: just sing me a happy tune!"

Mario sighed as he turned and left the bathroom. Wave Existence willing, Slendy would be doing that for a few months before he started tracking them down again. He sighed as he rubbed his eyes. Defanging creepypastas- always difficult work.

_XXXX_

Like I said, really quick random quicky today. A couple review replies before I jump off here...

Felinewithin- Yeah, the movie was kind of disappointing, cutting out the Quidditch match like that, but hey, at least it's better than the video game, the opening of which I will now give a near-verbatim summary of: "The villagers of Little Hangleton still called it the Riddle House. Then Wormtail killed a muggle, and Harry was at the Quidditch World Cup, then ZOMG Death Eaters! Reeces for breakfast! Find the Portkey!" And I honestly probably stretched it out longer than the game itself does. Also, I accept your challenge- I have bested the Avalanche Abaasy, I've got the True Monado and all my best arts with your name on them! Though I hope you don't mind if I write the next chapter before we make this war official...

Quick question from PrincessKatniss02- Q: Goddess+Demon=Turtle? A:... Smasher genetics are weird.

Anyways, again, I'd _like _to say the next chapter will be up next week, but I won't, because then fate will intervene, and it won't be up for another couple months. In fact, don't even tell my computer that I said that. The point is, It'll be up as soon as possible, hopefully sooner, rather than later. In the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	11. Mark of the Emissary

Gamer4 in. Alright, there's an issue that has come to my attention lately, and I feel I should address it. It is, after all, something I've received many a comment about. (Apparently two comments over the last 4-5 years I've been writing this series counts as 'many'.) And that is... the lack of Fire Emblem characters and references in these stories, outside of Roy. Now, here's the thing- I don't have anything against Fire Emblem. Far from it- from the little knowledge I have of it, the story, the characters, the lore, the setting, all that good stuff, it sounds like a series that's right up my alley. Unfortunately, however, you read that right- the little knowledge I have of it. Everything I know about the Fire Emblem series, I know because of Smash Bros., or I specifically looked up for my own reasons. (See the 'Eliwood' jumble from last story for an example of Fire Emblem wiki searching gone awry.) Again, my lack of knowledge isn't because I have anything against the series, but the thing is, I have very little experience with it because, bluntly, I _suck _at it. Seriously, I had trouble getting through the tutorial. As much as I'd _like _to experience these games, it's just not something that's ever been on my radar because I'm just so _bad _at them. Kind of the same story with Final Fantasy- I'm generally actually pretty decent when it comes to RPGs, but the moment said RPG has the words 'Final' and 'Fantasy' in the title, I'm making stupid mistakes like not giving myself a White Mage. Yeah, I know, there are people who are good enough at the game to not _need _a White Mage, but very clearly, _I'm not one of them. _Anyways, sorry if this little rant has disappointed anyone. I didn't single out Fire Emblem as a series that I just didn't want to talk about in my stories, it really is just that my abysmal skill level at said games has prevented me from learning about them the way I've learned about Mario, Zelda, the Xeno series, EarthBound, etc. etc. In fact, it's almost the same story with Pokemon, but with _that _series, I grew up with the anime, and am lucky enough to have two or three friends (Shout-out to WaterBoy and Gandora) who always fill in my knowledge gaps with that series. Again, hope this doesn't disappoint anyone too much- it's just something I needed to address. Alright, we're going to end these opening notes if it kills us- assuming anyone's still reading at this point, let's jump into the next chapter!

Disclaimer: I have searched the whole world over, looking for a place to sleep. I have seen the strong survive, and I have seen the lean grow weak.

Chapter IX

Mark of the Emissary

It actually wasn't a far walk from Slender's woods to the tent the Farons were staying in. As he approached, he could hear Link speaking. "I'm serious, though, Sonic's pretty awesome! I mean, seriously, did you _see _the things he could do with that kart? It's like he's more than an athlete- he's an artist!"

Mario was just lifting up the flap as Peach turned on her brother, a mischievous smirk on her face, and said, "Oh, is someone in love, Link?"

Link, turning red, quickly came up with the witty retorts he was known for- "Shut up."

Too late- Kirby and Meta had turned on him, wide grins on their faces. "Sonic, I love you!" Kirby sang out.

"Sonic, I do!" Meta picked up.

Neither of them flinched when Mario joined them for the final line- "When we're apart, my heart beats only for you!"

"Oh, Mario, you're back!" Link noted, spinning around at hearing his voice.

"Did you give that guy the talk?" Zelda asked from her position at the dinner table. Very subtle and camping like.

"For the nine thousand and first freaking time," Mario agreed.

"Do you really think this guy'll stay away now?" Midna asked, glancing over from the game of Xenocards she was playing with Linebeck and Rusl.

"Yeah, not likely," Mario muttered. "I just bought us some time..."

As Linebeck, Midna, and Rusl returned to their game, debating about the match along the way, Zelda returned to the book she was reading, and Kirby and Meta Knight continued to pester Link, Mario turned to see Peach pulling out a notebook of sorts and beginning to scribble in it. "Wrapping up some Summer homework?" he wondered, taking a seat next to her.

"Oh- Mario!" Peach gave the smallest of yelps as she noticed him taking his seat. "Oh, uh... no, actually, this is... something else..."

Mario's eyes fell on the page. "'God knows that I would follow you if that was what you wanted,'" he read out. "'Take me into all your darkest shadows, and you'll see that I'm even stronger than you could know.'"

Peach turned red and yanked the page away. "It's not ready!" she yelped.

"Writing a poem, or something?" Mario asked, interested.

"A song," Peach muttered quietly. "Me and a few other girls from school... well, we all play an instrument, so we thought..."

"And you're a lyricist, huh?" Mario thought out loud. "Hm... whenever you finish... I'd like to hear it."

Peach looked even more embarrassed at this, but luckily for her, Rusl chose that moment to announce that it was time to go to sleep- after all, it would most likely be another early morning the next day to return to Ordon Cottage.

As Mario began trying to settle in to his bed, he began struggling to contend with the festivities. He could hear Rusl saying, "Oh, I don't envy Gaignun, being on duty through all this... telling Germany's supporters they have to stop celebrating... happy fun times."

Nevertheless, Mario must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing he knew, he was being shaken awake.

"Mario! Get up, Mario! Mario!"

"Whattabuddawadhaping?" he muttered, trying to rub said sleep from his eyes.

"Apparently, the Germans are getting really into their partying," came Kirby's sleepy voice from nearby.

But even in his half-asleep state, Mario could tell that wasn't quite true- there was still a great deal of noise outside, but it didn't sound nearly as jubilant as the noises he'd been hearing last night. Those weren't yells of victory... those were... screams...

"It's not the Germans," Rusl said quickly, affirming Mario's suspicions. "Everyone, grab your power controllers- those that wear clothes, just grab a jacket- and go!"

Mario jumped out of his bed. He typically slept dressed anyways, and his hat should be stowed away in his pocket, so...

Link, nearby, was in a similar situation, already dressed in his tunic, belt, boots, floppy hat, whole shebang. He grabbed his sword from next to his bed and followed Mario on his flight out of the tent to see what was going on.

Something had gone horribly, horribly awry. Fires were burning everywhere, tents were being trampled, and people were running every which way, though the mass exodus seemed to have the general destination of the woods. And, in the center of it all, a sight that chilled Mario to the bone...

A large group of smashers was marching through the campground. They were all dressed in a strange uniform, entirely devoted to a single color, white, blue, red, or even gold. Their faces were entirely hidden behind visors, with strange designs on their chests, triangles and rectangles, and, placed dead center, a strange sigil consisting of a circle with a line going halfway across the center.

Mario's eyes were struggling to take this in as was, but then they were drawn to the space over the group, where three figures were hovering overhead. Mario recognized one of them- Kyon, the site manager, still dressed in his blue blazer. Alongside him were two girls in sailor outfits, being pulled along as if by some invisible force linking them to the smashers below.

"Okay, they attacked Kyon?!" Mario asked, flaring up- almost literally. "Now it's personal!"

"Mario, no!" came a nearby voice, as Zelda entered the scene and grabbed his sleeve to prevent him from attacking. "There are too many of them, and besides, if you hurt the one keeping them up, they could fall and get seriously hurt!"

Mario didn't like it- not at all- but Rusl took Zelda's side. "She's right, Mario. Listen- I'm going to join up with the Government, try and stop them- Linebeck, Midna, Rob, with me. Everyone else, into the woods. I'd make a reference to a great play-turned-movie right now, but we don't have time. Just hurry into the woods and _stick together_!"

And so it came to be that Kirby and Meta Knight donned unusually serious looks as they took the lead in their flight towards said woods, Mario, Link, Zelda, and Peach in tow. They only looked back at the edge of the trees. The crowd was growing ever larger, and while some of it was down to Government smashers trying to quell the riot without bringing harm on Kyon or the other two girls, Mario was enraged to see that some of the crowd was actually joining in the ones who'd started the whole thing- the ones in the multicolored alien-like uniforms.

Fortunately for everyone involved, he didn't really get to act on any impulses- the crowd heading into the woods pushed the whole group in. Less fortunately, Mario found himself being separated from the rest of the group as the large fleeing crowd pushed him around like a ball in a pinball machine.

Finally, the crowd seemed to disperse somewhat. Unfortunately, Mario couldn't tell for sure, because he'd now entered a part of the forest so dense he couldn't even see his hand in front of his face. "Link!" he called out, feeling around. "Zelda! Kirby! Meta! Peach!"

"I'm here!" came Link's voice nearby.

"Right beside you," spoke another voice he recognized as Zelda's. "But I think the others got separated..."

"Well, in that case," Link's voice spoke up again, "why don't we just-" his words were cut off as he let out a yelp and a grunt.

"Link, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Link?"

Another voice spoke nearby. "He's been hit by- he's been struck by- a smooth criminal!"

"Oh, boy," Zelda's voice muttered. "Din's Fire!"

The area was suddenly illuminated by a handful of fire being held by- of course- Zelda. With the new light, they could see Link, looking disgruntled, picking himself up from the ground, where he'd seemingly tripped over a tree root. "_Man_, I'm tired of slapstick," he muttered.

"Then again, if someone's gotta stick their neck out for a bit of slapstick, it was never gonna be anyone but this story's biggest clown, was it?" spoke the aforementioned mysterious voice again. All three closed their eyes, hoping it wasn't true, and slowly turned until they were looking at the source, then opened them.

No such luck- sure enough, the voice was coming from Bowser Dragmire, casually leaning against a tree.

"Oh, gee, just what I needed," Mario muttered.

"Oh, hey," Bowser grinned, pretending to be surprised. "Fancy seein' you here, huh, Mario?"

"Yeah, yeah, we know, it's...uh... me, Mario," Mario muttered. "Great to see you, too."

"Naturally," Bowser grinned. "Just thought I'd stop in and see how my favorite trio of blood traitors and wollywogs was doing."

Link told Bowser to do something that Mario thought was a little risque, even for a story that was now rated T.

"Oh, sure you should be using language like that?" Bowser managed to keep his voice sounding smug, but his smile had vanished. "Sure you want to upset your mommy? Leave the cursin' to Mario, dog- he ain't got one!"

"Bowser, unless you want a pre-mortem cremation," Mario growled threateningly, summoning fire to his hands.

"Hey, no need to be getting all hostile on little ol' me," Bowser raised his claws, grin returning. "Just thought I'd stop by to give you a little friendly advice- as a fellow Smash bro, you know? Just... keep _her _outta sight, you got that?"

Everyone looked from him to Zelda. "And... why?" Zelda asked, question marks in her eyes.

"What, you don't get it?" Bowser chortled. "They're after muggles- I'm sure they'd have a ball if they found one pretendin' to be a smasher!"

"Zelda _is _a smasher," Mario pointed out, eyes burning.

"Well, if you don't think those trained professionals can spot a wollywog at twenty miles, you need to brush up on your history," Bowser smirked, shaking a finger at them. "These guys are the elite!"

Link was turning red again- this time with fury- and Mario could hear the familiar teapot whistle that signified the swordsman getting dangerously close to snapping. However, any retort the warrior in green might have summoned was cut off as a loud bang sounded nearby, along with several screams.

Bowser shook his head, laughing quietly. "Ah, the rabble. Scare real easily, don't they? Now that I think about it, where's that father of yours, Faron? Trying to get the muggles down, I suppose?"

"You'd like to know that, wouldn't you?" Mario growled. "Report back to your daddy, right? I'm guessing he's one of the freakazoids out there wearing matching plugsuits."

"Oh, come on, now, they don't even _look _like plugsuits!" Bowser pointed out. "And even if he was... you really think I'd be about to tell you?"

"Shove it, Bowser," Zelda muttered, pointing a finger in his direction. "You two, come on."

Mario and Link reluctantly turned their backs on Bowser's crud-eating grin and followed Zelda back off into the forest.

"Well, if I didn't think so before, I sure as heck do now," Link muttered. "Yeah, definitely. Ghirahim's out there, alright..."

"Then we can hope Mr. Faron catches him," Zelda put in. "For now, let's just focus on finding Kirby, Peach, and Meta."

Abruptly, Mario's ears pricked, as he heard a strange voice singing out, "Talk to the sunset, 'how do you do?' 'I've got me a problem, and I'm counting on you!'"

"Whoa, buddy, not that way!" he said instantly, reaching out and grabbing Zelda by the sleeve, turning her to face another direction. "_He's _that way."

Turning pale at the idea of walking directly into Mario's... *ahem* _old friend_... Zelda nodded and began leading them on a different path.

As they continued walking, Link reached into hammerspace and produced a lantern, adding to their little circle of light. Seeing this, Mario, feeling left out, reached into his pocket for his cap. Except...

"Ah... oh, crud," he muttered, drawing the others' attention.

"Something wrong, Mario?" Zelda asked, looking concerned.

"My hat," Mario explained quickly. "I lost my hat."

"Huh?" Link asked, turning on him as well. "You lost your power controller?"

"Yeah, that's... that's basically what I said, just with different wording," Mario agreed. He ran a couple desperate hands through his pockets, feeling for any out-of-place lumps, but no dice. The others raised their light sources high in the air, allowing him to search the general area around them, but no cigars. Or hats either, for that matter.

"Did you leave it back at the tent?" Link suggested.

Mario racked his brains, but couldn't think of any place he might have dropped it. "Well... we can hope..."

He was feeling very... wrong, right now. Though he'd spent the first eleven years of his life without any sort of head gear, the past three years had gotten him accustomed to the idea of wearing his hat. At this point, it really felt like his red cap was a part of him- being stuck without it, he felt... naked, in the dark.

"Don't know how we didn't notice before," Zelda noted, seemingly agreeing with his sentiments. "You look so... so _strange _without it on..."

"Yeah... you're like a whole different person!" Link agreed.

Further conversation about the oddity of seeing Mario without his trademark head warmer was cut off when a bush nearby rustled, and a pink dinosaur-like thing came hurtling out. A moment later, Mario recognized it as Birdo.

Birdo was in a near-blind panic. "Dark smashers- evil smashers!" she was crying. "Birdo has to- has to get out of the way!"

For some reason, Birdo seemed to be struggling, almost like there was an invisible someone pulling her back. Struggling against whatever invisible bonds were there, Birdo tore back off into the woods.

"What was that all about?" Mario wondered out loud. "I mean, I can get wanting to get out of the way of those whackjobs, but... well... why couldn't she run properly?"

He turned to Link, the only pure-blooded smasher there, for explanation, but Link looked just as stumped as he did. "Um..." the blond swordsman was clearly grasping, rubbing at his hair as he spoke. "Maybe... I think it might be because... because that von Karma guy ordered her to stay at the tent? If he did, then maybe she's being held back by a compulsion to obey his order... but at the same time, doesn't want to... I mean, I don 't know if it really works that way, but it's the best I've got."

"Well, if that _is_," Zelda burst out, looking furious. "What... I mean... how could smashers do that to another race? What kind of deal did yoshis get with the smashers?"

"Well, you heard her talking about von Karma earlier, right?" Link pointed out. "She thinks the sun rises and sets on the guy, and she _did _keep talking about how yoshis are supposed to find happiness in this kind of stuff..."

His voice quailed under Zelda's furious gaze. "Link Faron," Zelda growled, eyes flaring. "Did I just hear you advocating for the slavery of an entire race?"

Link was cowering at this point, but they were interrupted by a nearby bang, prompting Link to choke out, "Oh, hey, they're coming this way! We should get going!"

Zelda still didn't look satisfied, but conceded the point, turning and leading them onwards. Mario, distinctly remembering the last war between the two, fell back on his old strategy of determined neutrality, and thus spent the time continuing to search his pockets. Yeah, he knew his hat wasn't there, but he couldn't help it.

After a long trek, Mario finally gave up, collapsing against a nearby tree. "Alright, how about we take five? We're pretty far out here, we'll be able to hear anyone coming..."

No sooner had these words left his mouth than there was a strange whirring sound and M. C. Ballyhoo appeared, a propellor coming from the top of his hat as he flew down into the clearing. "What the- what are you three doing way out here?" he asked, sounding distracted and nervous.

"We're trying to get away from... the riot," Mario explained, slowing his speech as he noticed that this seemed to be news to the Smash-Up announcer.

"Riot? Riot? What riot?" Ballyhoo asked, seemingly looking around nervously.

"The one back at the campsite?" Link stepped in, sounding just as confused as Mario felt. "Group of freaks in some weird uniforms? Raising some muggles up into the sky? You didn't hear about-"

"_Goombas!" _Ballyhoo called out randomly, sounding frustrated. With that, the propellor in his hat reappeared, and he took off into the air once more.

"Ooooooookay," Mario's eyebrow raised. "I repeat my question from earlier- _what _was _that _about?"

"Kind of odd," Zelda agreed, hand raising to her chin. "I mean, he only organized the whole match, you'd think he'd be aware of what was going on... especially something this big..."

"Yeah, the way Rob tells it, he's something of a nut," Link agreed. "But he was a great brawler in his own time- led the Mushroom Kingdom team to victory three times, at his best."

And so it came to be that the three entered a period of silence. Their ears were pricked for anyone approaching, friend or foe. Eventually, Link grew bored and produced a Sonic the Hedgehog action figure, which, being made by smashers, was alive. He placed it on the ground and allowed it to run around the clearing. Mario, personally, felt that an acceptable Sonic the Hedghog action figure (with real sprinting action) would just be a Sonic with a button on his back, which, when pressed, said "Sonic's the name, speed's my game! Want to see me run around the whole world?" Brief pause. "Want to see me do it again?" But, maybe he was just thinking out loud.

"It would be great if Dad caught Ghirahim, though," Link spoke up after a while, continuing the conversation from much earlier.

"Yeah, that'd be pretty bawesome," Mario agreed. "Along with just about as many of those uniformed freaks as they can handle..."

"What about the muggles, though?" Zelda asked, sounding anxious. "Will they get hurt?"

"Nah, the Government wouldn't let something like that happen," Link shook his head. "Nasty thing to happen to Olimar, though, wouldn't you say? This whole last year's been just one gong show after another for that guy- first Roy escapes, then Epona disappears right under his nose just before she was set to be executed, and now this..."

Further conversation was cut off, however, as Mario raised a hand for silence. "Quiet!" he said quickly. "I think I heard something!"

The other two fell silent as well, their ears perking up- after all, both of them had pointed ears that could hear better than Mario's round ones could. But even he could hear the soft footsteps just next to the clearing.

"Um... hello?" Mario called out softly. "Someone there?"

And then, out of nowhere came a voice- a high, cold voice devoid of any sentiment whatsoever. It cried out: "Take that!" Mario was about to respond with the pretty honest question of what the voice was offering when he was distracted by the flash of light that seemed to originate from the same place as the voice- it was caused by a jet of said light that was currently firing into the air like a firework. For a moment, it streaked into the air, where it exploded into form.

It was a design Mario recognized- the same design that had been on the chests of those people back at the campsite. A circle, with a line starting at the left and crossing halfway, before stopping abruptly in the middle.

Abruptly, screams began to rise around them. Mario looked around, surprised. It was a pretty simple shape- what about it could incite such fear in people? And yet, at the same time, he couldn't discern any other possible cause for the fear...

"Mario, we need to go," Link said quietly, grabbing at his hand.

"Just a second," Mario shook his head, still looking around for the origin of the voice and of the design. "Hello? Somebody there?"

"Mario, we need to _go_," Zelda repeated Link's sentiment, grabbing onto his hand. "We don't want to be found here."

Mario turned on his friends, and was surprised to find them both looking frightened. "What is it?"

"That sign- that's the Mark of the Emissary!" Zelda explained quickly. "That's the sign of... of You-Know-Who!"

"T-Tabuu?" Mario asked, caught off guard, and causing both of said friends to flinch.

"She's right, we need to go," Link nodded. Finally, Mario gave a slight nod and allowed Zelda to start leading their flight from the clearing, but then... they were surrounded. A large group of smashers appeared from the trees, and the three of them were forced to duck to avoid getting hit by the myriad jets of light, arrows, bullets, and other projectiles being fired at them. It only stopped when another voice rang out over the clearing, much more familiar than the last one to do so-

"STOP!" came the cry of Rusl Faron. "THAT'S MY SON!"

Mario tilted his head up slightly to see said tall blond man running into the clearing, desperately waving his hands for a ceasefire. "THAT'S MY SON!" he repeated. "EVERYONE HOLD YOUR FIRE!"

Finally, the fire did cease. Incidentally, have we said 'fire' enough in the past couple paragraphs? Well, whatever.

Mario looked up to see Rusl's face, white with fear. "Link! Mario- Zelda! Are you three alright?"

Mario was on the point of nodding when a voice deep enough to shake the foundations of the earth spoke. "Stand away from them, Rusl."

They all turned to see the parrot-like face of Manfred von Karma approaching, fury etched into his lined face. "Alright, which one of you did it?" he growled in his characteristic demonic rumble. "Which one of you summoned the Mark of the Emissary?"

Mario wanted to throw out a self-reference, but didn't figure breaking the fourth wall would win him any points with the enraged government official. Not that he needed to speak, anyways- Link was picking up the slack.

"Hold it!" said swordsman cried, the words appearing in a stamp. "We didn't summon that- we didn't do anything! We were just standing here when you all come in, guns blazing-"

"Do _not _lie to me!" von Karma shouted, turning his glare onto Link. "You've been caught red-handed at the scene of the crime!"

Mario was quietly shifting his brain into 'retreat' mode- von Karma didn't look like he was exactly in the best frame of mind at the moment.

Behind him spoke a tall woman with brown hair, dressed in what appeared to be a military uniform of some kind. "Manny," she said warningly, "think about what you're saying. These are just kids you're talking to..."

"Right," Rusl nodded, trying to reassume a professional manner. "Of course- you three, where did the mark come from?"

"Over there," Zelda said quickly, pointing at the direction from which the cold voice had come. "Someone in the trees... shouted something out, and the mark appeared..."

"A very easy story to come up with," von Karma scoffed, but he was the only one there at that point that really seemed to consider it even a vague possibility that Mario, Link, and Zelda were to blame for the mark- the other government officials had already turned and were beginning to scour the trees for signs of the true perpetrator.

Finally, the squad of officials came back, being led by Jr., shaking his head. "Nah, they're gone already," he said, seeming as out of place as ever, a twelve-year-old leading a squad of adults. "Looks like they teleported away..."

"Ah, the youth of today give up too easily," came a crotchety-sounding voice, and everyone turned to see an aged monkey stepping forward, cane in hand- Cranky Kong, Donkey Kong's grandfather. "We tore right through those trees earlier, odds are _someone _hit whoever really did this. Let me show you young'ns how it's done..."

Everyone watched as the elderly simian headed into the woods. A few grunts, mumbles, and "Ah-ha"s later, he called back, "There, see? What'd I tell ya?! Found them! But... well, _that _throws me off, I'll tell ya!"

"What? What is it?" Rusl called back.

Cranky Kong reappeared, carrying a pink shape over his shoulder, fireman style. Approaching them, he dropped said shape in the center of the clearing, illuminated by the circular sky design. Mario gave a gasp of recognition, recognition he also saw on the faces of Link and Zelda. Very long-winded way of saying they all recognized Birdo laying there on the ground in front of them.

Everyone looked up at Manfred von Karma, who looked extremely taken aback. "B-Birdo?" he gasped out. "This- this isn't..."

Everyone watched him as he hoisted his cane and headed off into the trees, clearly to do some searching of his own. "No point, there, Manny!" Cranky called out. "Even _I _couldn't find anyone, no one else has a chance!"

This didn't stop von Karma from stomping into the shadows, cane held high. Cranky shook his head as he turned back to everyone else. "Well, we'll need this yoshi to testify," he grumbled. "Even if Manny thinks he's gonna find someone else... not that I blame him, if it got out his own yoshi had done something like this..."

"You really think Birdo did this?" Rusl asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow. "The Mark of the Emissary- it was developed and used by smashers. It can't be done without a power controller."

"Ah, you mean like this one?" Cranky asked, producing a red hat from his pocket. A very _familiar _red hat.

"Hey, that's mine!" Mario piped up, staring at it.

"Yours?" Cranky asked, looking surprised as he turned on Mario. "That a confession, boy? You threw this hat away after summoning the mark?"

"Now that I get a good look at you... yeah, I'm surprised-"

"You didn't notice it before," Mario finished the sentence for him. "Yeah, yeah, we all know, I look weird without my hat."

Rusl shrugged before turning back to Cranky. "And as for you, Cranky- think who you're talking to! Not just a kid, but _Mario Mario_? Is there anyone less likely to summon the Mark of the Emissary than him? Well, maybe the Master Hand, I suppose, but even so..."

"Right... right," Cranky shook his head- even after he'd said it, he seemed to have already dismissed the idea. "Don't know what I was thinkin'..."

Everyone looked up, distracted from further conversation as a whirring sound filled the clearing, hailing M. C. Ballyhoo's reappearance, propellor on his hat carrying him down into the clearing. "What is it? What's going on? I saw the mark- who summoned-" he fell silent as the strange scene greeted his hidden eyes.

Just as he touched down, the trees rustled, and Manfred von Karma returned, looking extremely agitated and gripping his cane so hard his knuckles turned white. Ballyhoo turned on him for explanation. "Manny, what's going on? The mark- and you weren't at the match, even with Birdo saving your seat- and for that matter- Birdo! What happened to her?"

"Caught in the crossfire, I'm afraid," von Karma growled, pushing his cane up under his shoulder and using his newly free hand to tightly grasp his arm. "And Cranky here seems to believe she is the one responsible... for this."

"For... for what?" Ballyhoo asked blankly, looking around. Everyone simply flicked their eyes up at the sky. Ballyhoo glanced skyward as well, then back to earth. "What, you mean- no- nooooo- she couldn't have! Birdo, summon the Mark of the Emissary? She'd need a power controller!"

"And she had one," Cranky interjected, brandishing Mario's hat. "Seems she took it from this boy here! Her behavior tonight has been very suspicious... so, let's hear what she has to say for herself, shall we? Anyone here a healer?"

"Well, not _specifically_," Jr. spoke, stepping forward, "but I'll see what I can do." He raised his twin pistols into the air and shouted, "Ether Drive!" A glowing light surrounded him, then spread to Birdo, whose eyes began to flicker open.

She sat up, seeming dazed, only to freeze as she saw all the smashers surrounding her. Her eyes flicked from one face to the next, and finally to the circle in the sky. Not nearly as cool as a spirit in the sky. Where I'm gonna go when I die...

"No!" the yoshi cried out. "The narrator- he's singing again!"

"We'll silence him later," Cranky interjected. "For now, we need to talk to you about this mark."

"B-Birdo did not do it!" Birdo cried immediately, fear filling her eyes. "Birdo could not have done it- she doesn't know how!"

"You know who I am, yoshi?" Cranky grumbled out, glaring down at her. "Cranky Kong, head of the Government of Smashing's department for regulation of smashing creatures! You have been found beneath one of the most evil marks in smashing history, carrying a power controller- if you have anything to say for yourself, say it now!"

"Birdo does not know!" Birdo cried, sobbing. "Birdo could not have summoned the mark- does not know how!"

"Furthermore," Cranky continued rambling, completely ignoring Birdo's desperate pleas of innocence, "it has been found you took this controller from Mario Mario, here! So, here's the situation I'm picturing- the boy drops his controller in the woods, you happen upon it, and decide to have a bit of fun- resulting in the summoning of that mark!"

As Birdo continued to blubber, Zelda stepped forward, anger in her eyes. "OBJECTION!" she shouted, the usual stamp appearing. "We heard the person who did it, and they didn't sound anything like Birdo! Did they?" she added, appealing to Mario and Link to back her up.

"Nope," Mario agreed, shaking his head.

"It _did_ sound like a woman," Link put in, "but a human woman, I think. Couldn't have been Birdo."

"Well, we'll see," Cranky grumbled, brandishing his cane. "Time to run a little test- a nice little way of seeing the last piece of smashing a power controller performed. I oughtta know, I was there when they invented it. Boy, that was back in the day- actually, it was based on this effect that happens when two controllers with the same core are forced to do battle with each other, they just show what they did last- kind of out of place to mention here, but then the _lovely _people over at Harry Potter Headscratchers page wouldn't let it go if it wasn't mentioned _somewhere_, no matter _how _out of place, I tell ya, _no _respect for their elders-"

"Er... you were saying, Cranky?" Rusl interrupted.

"What? Oh... right. Time to see what this hat did last." The... experienced ape touched the bottom of his cane to Mario's hat, and from the front of the hat came a much smaller reproduction of the mark currently hanging over their heads- literally.

"N-no!" Birdo cried. "Birdo- Birdo did not do it, Birdo could not do it, Birdo does not know how!"

"Do not try to escape your guilt, yoshi!" Cranky cried, glowering down at her. "You've been caught holding the controller that did it, it's time to confess your crime!"

"Calm yourself, Cranky," came a more reasonable sounding voice, and everyone turned to see Gaignun stepping forward, reason in his eyes. "Think about what you're saying for a moment- could Birdo really have done it? She would have to have learned it somewhere- and where could she have?"

"She could not have," von Karma growled, turning a glare onto Cranky. "Unless, of course, this wretched primate is suggesting that I- Manfred von Karma- have taught my servant to summon the Mark of the Emissary!"

"Oh, I'm not suggesting anything of the kind, Manny!" Cranky said indignantly, very much unhappy with the description given to him by his coworker. "I'm sure she could have picked up anywhere!"

"Yes, and therein lies the problem," Rusl spoke up. "I think you just hit the nail on the head, Cranky." Speaking much more gently than anyone else so far, he turned his attention to Birdo. "Birdo," he asked kindly, "where did you find this hat?"

"In... in the trees," Birdo choked out. "It was on the ground, found it in the mark's light..."

"And there you have it," Rusl nodded. "Seems a very likely story- no sarcasm intended. Whoever actually did this stole Mario's hat at some point, used it to summon the mark, throws it away, and poor Birdo comes across it, picks it up, and happens to get caught in the crossfire."

"But if that's the case," Cranky spoke, suddenly seeming much more interested, "then she'd have been within a few feet of whoever really _did_ do it! Did you see anyone else, yoshi?"

Birdo gulped, glancing around the clearing, particularly, Mario noticed, at Manfred von Karma, who- though Mario might just be imagining it- seemed to very slightly tilt his head from side to side, as though he was shaking his head 'no.'

Birdo, trembling, said, "Birdo saw no one, Mr. Kong, sir. Birdo... saw... nobody."

"Quite unfortunate," von Karma abruptly spoke up. "However, if she saw nobody, she saw nobody. Nothing to be done about it. That said, Cranky, I would appreciate it if you left any disciplinary action to me."

"Manny..." Cranky said, a note of warning in his voice.

"She has nothing further to add to this investigation. And rest assured, the transgressions she has committed will _not _go without retribution."

Mario shuddered at how the deep voice had suddenly grown colder than the Winter Solstice... on Pluto.

Birdo seemed to sense it too. "Mr... Master von Karma... please..." she seemed to be begging.

Von Karma, however, wasn't in the mood, silencing his yoshi with a glare that could freeze magma. "I ordered you to stay behind in the tent. You failed. I ordered you to keep watch over our... _possession_... and even in that simple task, you failed. When we get home, you will receive a present, Birdo- my personal copy of Stephanie Meyers's _Twilight._"*

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Birdo cried, horror blazing on her face. "Master von Karma- please!"

Mario recalled what he'd learned from Yoshi (the yoshi actually _named _Yoshi) the previous year- a yoshi could only be set free from their smasher family if presented with written work.

Zelda stepped up, glaring at von Karma, enraged. "She was afraid!" she shouted. "Those people in the suits were tearing up everything in their path, attacking anyone they felt was inferior- and no, I'm not going to make _that _reference again! Not happening! Anyways, she was scared- how can you blame her for wanting to get out of the way?!"

"This is none of your concern," von Karma rumbled, his wintery gaze turning on her. "I have no use for a yoshi who disobeys me. That is all."

A very uncomfortable silence fell, punctuated only by Birdo's sobs. Finally, Rusl broke it. "Very... very well," he stammered out. "The... the rioters have gone, now... we should all return to our tents. I've got a feeling things are going to be very busy tomorrow, we should all rest while we still can. Oh- Cranky, Mario will need his hat back."

Even Cranky seemed to be pitying Birdo, but he broke his eyes away from her, gave a curt nod, and handed the red cap over to Rusl, who, in turn, handed it to Mario, who put it back on his head. Ah, sweet relief- he hadn't realized how much he depended on that light weight on his head until it had been gone.

Rusl gently touched the children under his charge on the shoulder, and began leading them back to their tent. The moment they were out of earshot, Zelda turned on him. "What's going to happen to Birdo?"

"Hard telling," Rusl shook his head hopelessly. "I don't know if von Karma would really fire his yoshi over this, but either way, I certainly don't envy her position when they return home..."

"It's barbaric," Zelda growled, fury in her eyes. "The way they all treated her... like she wasn't even human!"

"Well, in fairness, she's not," Link pointed out. "And- well, how many smashers are really human in the first place? It just seems like that phrase doesn't mean as much here as it usually would-"

"And just because those other smashers aren't human, does that mean they don't have feelings?" Zelda asked, rounding on him with fire in her eyes.

"I'm not trying to say that!" Link objected quickly. "It's just that-"

"It's disgusting," Zelda cut him off. "It's horrible, terrible, and-"

"Zelda, I'm on your side- I really am," Rusl interrupted gently, "but there's nothing we can do for her, not now. We need to get back to the tent ASAP. What happened to Kirby, Peach, and Meta Knight?"

"We got separated in the crowd," Mario explained quietly.

"Ah," Rusl intoned, looking slightly nervous. "I see."

Any thoughts of further conversation were nipped in the bud as a crowd outside the woods assailed them, looking worried.

"What happened in there, Rusl?"

"Who summoned... that... that sign?"

"It's not... it's not _him, _is it?"

"No, no, of course it's not!" Rusl declared, raising his hands for calm. "For one thing, we have witnesses that have testified whoever did it was female. Everything is alright, don't you worry. Nobody's dead, nobody's in danger, everything's being taken care of by government officials as we speak. Now, if it's alright with everyone, I'd like to get some sleep."

Slowly, the crowd dissipated, allowing Rusl and the kids passage through towards their tent. As they entered, Mario's eyes quickly raked around, and he breathed a sigh of relief- everyone was already back; Midna, Linebeck, Rob, Peach, Kirby, Meta- everybody. Linebeck, Midna, and Rob all bore signs that they'd been doing some fighting since they got separated, but the others seemed unhurt, albeit shaken.

"Dad!" Linebeck spoke, standing as they entered. "Oh, and you three! Thank Farore- we were afraid for a bit there, when Peach, Meta, and Kirby came back, saying that you all broke up..."

"Did you find them?" Midna interjected, looking somewhat urgent. "The person who summoned the mark?"

"No, we didn't," Rusl sat down wearily as he spoke. "We found Manfred von Karma's yoshi unconscious under it with the power controller that did it-" it seemed it would take longer than necessary to explain that it had been Mario's hat- "-but she just picked it up after it had been done. We never found the person that actually did it."

"What?" came Midna, Linebeck, and Robs' unified gasps.

And so it came to be that those who were in the know of what had happened explained it to those who were not. By the end of their tale, Rob sounded absolutely furious.

"Well, if that is the case, then Manfred von Karma was most certainly in the right to dismiss that failure of a yoshi," he growled, sounding very strange growling monotone. "Disobeying him, humiliating him in front of all those government officials- why, when I think of the damage it might have done to his reputation-"

"His _reputation?!_" Zelda repeated incredulously, her temper from earlier flaring up again. "His _reputation?_ Her only crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time- and if that were a crime, Mario would already be in Subspace for life, just for repeat offences!"

"Yeah, thanks for summing that up," Mario muttered.

Rob looked flabbergasted- as did several of the others. Zelda and Rob arguing... it wasn't a common occurrence. She usually got along fairly well with the robot- well, as well as anyone could. Their shared love of Da Rulez (TM) gave them a common ground, but now, here Zelda was, looking like she was ready to tear out Rob's non-existant throat.

"Zelda," Rob spoke, turning his condescension knob (TM) up to eleven, "Mr. von Karma can't afford to have a yoshi who's going to be seen gallivanting around public with a power controller!"

"She wasn't 'gallivanting around' with it!" Zelda shouted back. "She just picked it up off the ground- for all we know, she was planning on returning it!"

"Hey, how about we put a pin in this conversation?" Mario suggested, raising his hand. "As riveting as it is- and it really is riveting- there's something else I want to know- namely, what the heck was that sign everyone was getting so worked up over?"

"I already told you," Zelda explained reproachfully, turning on him, still with some of the leftover fury from Rob. "It's the Mark of the Emissary- it's You-Know-Who's insignia!"

"Moreover, this is the first sighting of it in thirteen years," Rusl joined in, taking a seat with a bottle of Mountain Dew in hand. "I don't blame anyone for panicking- it was almost two steps short of seeing You-Know-Who himself alive again."

"Well... okay," Mario shrugged. "I get it- it was Tabuu's sign. But even so-" (he continued, ignoring the collective wince that arose at the use of Tabuu's name,) "- it's just a circle and line, up in the sky. I mean, putting it there could be really petty and childish- kind of like drawing swastikas on bathroom stalls and thinking it makes you all that and a bag of doritos- but a crime?"

"It's worse than that- so, so much worse," Rusl shook his head. "There's no way you could know, you're just too young. It inspired terror, at the height of You-Know-Who's reign- terror the likes of which can't be imagined by someone who hasn't experienced it. Not only was it the symbol You-Know-Who and his followers rallied under, they set it over any building that they'd invaded. It was to show that they'd deemed that spot, and the people who lived there, unworthy... and that they'd killed... if you can imagine, coming home, seeing that sign over your house, and knowing what it meant..."

"I'm glad it's something _I _never had to witness," Midna noted, a grimace crossing her face. "But still, it didn't exactly help us out tonight. We didn't catch a single one of those Starmen- they all teleported away and scattered the moment that sign appeared."

"Starmen?" Mario repeated blankly. "What's a Starman?"

"It's what You-Know-Who's followers called themselves," Linebeck explained. "And if I had to guess, what we saw tonight are the last ones out there- the ones that managed to live through the war and keep themselves out of Subspace when You-Know-Who fell, at least."

"We can't know that for sure," Rusl interjected. Everyone turned to look at him, and slowly, his bravado faded, and he looked hopelessly down at his soda. "Though... it probably was."

"Of course!" Link abruptly spoke up, snapping his fingers. "Of course it was them! We met Bowser out in the woods- Bowser Dragmire- and he as good as told us that his dad was one of those nuts!"

"What bugs me," Mario spoke up, "is why they did what they did. Breaking in here, causing all that terror, attacking Kyon and his friends- why? What's the point? It's not like it'll bring Ta- alright, You-Know-Who-" (he shifted gears as he saw everyone about to flinch again,) "-back. What goal could they have had? What was the point?"

Rusl snorted. "Your mistake, Mario, is thinking there was a point at all. We've been calling them all sorts of names through this chapter- whackjobs, freakazoids, nuts- and the thing is, that's exactly what they are. There was no _reason_ for what they did- they just found it fun to cause pain and suffering. Very much like AFOSB."

"And here I thought we were done with that," Mario muttered.

"Sorry, but the opportunity was just too perfect," Rusl shrugged. "And hey, at least it wasn't the Harry-"

"Moving along!" Link spoke, louder than normal. "Even so- if they're You-Know-Who's followers, why run at his sign? Wouldn't they be glad to see him again?"

This time, it was Midna who snorted. "Alright, Link, I know your brain is made of bread, but try to use it, alright?" she interjected, sounding pretty irritable- maybe due to the heavy nosebleed she was currently nursing. "It's like Linebeck said, those are the last remains of the Starmen- the ones who didn't die in service for him, and then _renounced _him to avoid getting sent to Subspace! You think You-Know-Who'd be _happy _with them? No, if anything, they have more to fear from him than we do!"

"Wait, wait, wait, hold up!" Zelda put in, raising her hands. "If that's the case... then the person who summoned the Mark... were they doing it to show their support for what was going on... or to scare them off?"

"Hard telling," Rusl shook his head. "We just don't know enough- but I will say this. Even if whoever did it has reformed, I'd be willing to bet good money that they were a Starman at some point- they're the only ones who ever knew how to summon that Mark."

A dead silence fell following this semi-ominous pronouncement. Finally, Rusl spoke again. "Alright, everyone get some sleep. You're going to need it- Midna, Linebeck, Rob and I in particular. This isn't going to blow over overnight. We'll wake up early tomorrow, try to grab an early Whir-Gate out of here. Just hope Gaignun will hook us up..."

Mario did as he was told and returned to his bunk, making sure to know where his hat was when he took it off. He knew he should feel exhausted, but somehow, he just didn't. Thoughts were racing around his head faster than Sonic ever could.

Three days. That was how long it had been since he'd awoke from that strange dream with his scar burning. It felt much longer (along the lines of two months and a week) but it was only three days. That strange dream, his scar burning, and now Tabuu's sign had appeared for the first time in thirteen years. He could help but feel like these things were like signposts, leading him along some unknown path... but where? And for what?

He shook his head and turned over in his bed, trying to empty his mind, but even so, it took a couple hours before Linebeck's heavy snores lulled him into an uneasy sleep.

_XXXX_

*I generally don't like to get into fandom rivalries, but my status as a Harry Potter fan basically contractually obliges me to throw out a few derogatory references to Twilight every now and again.

And... a chapter complete! Hopefully this monster of a chapter makes up for the week without an update, broken by a random quicky, of all things. Incidentally, should I be worried that my fingers tried to type out 'Marik' every time I tried to type 'Mark' as I was writing this? Hmm... anyways, if you people have any kindness in your soul, you'll raise a glass for all the brave, valiant cans of Mountain Dew that sacrificed their lives so this chapter may live. They really went above and beyond the call of duty, Wave Existence rest their soul. Please remember them as you kindly R&amp;R, constructive criticism or questions embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	12. The New President

Gamer4 in. A question I get all the time (except not) is "Gamer4, what system of writing do _you _use?" To which I respond- 'How did you find my house?' And once that's died down, I tell them all about the Writing Gamers' Association System of Writing, which consists of the following- 1 part coming up with original ideas, strings, and jokes, 3 parts procrastinating, 5 parts petting my cats when they jump up on my lap in the middle of a writing session, 17 parts ripping others off for general story ideas, references, etc., 12 parts coming up with stupid disclaimers, 61 parts watching _Nyarko-San, Another Crawling Chaos _when I'm supposed to be writing, and 1 part actually bringing it all together and writing it down. Now that you know, you, too, have what it takes to be a Writing Gamer! Apply at .con! Anyways, now that I'm done ripping myself apart, a quick actual note- this is yet another chapter that will make this story better than ever before, or will be where you lead an armed rebellion against my house to purge the world of the evil that is anything me or any of my relatives has ever typed into any computing apparatus, anywhere. Ever. Assuming you haven't started boycotting my stories by the end, I'll see you on the other side!

Disclaimer: See the children of the Earth, who wake to find the table bare. See the gentry in the country, riding off to take the air."

Chapter X

The New President

...Which, as you may have suspected, didn't last particularly long. However, despite not getting more than two hours of sleep, even Link, probably the heaviest sleeper present, awoke very easily the next day, with a somewhat haunted look in his eyes. The group ate a quick breakfast, and then, with no heed to muggle security, had Midna teleport the tents away before heading out.

As they passed Kyon, Mario couldn't help but notice that the young man seemed somewhat dazed. "Hey, man, you alright?" he asked of his idol, approaching.

"Oh... yeah... sure," Kyon nodded. "I could ask the same thing from you, though, going camping in the middle of December..."

"Er... December? It's August," Mario pointed out.

"Then what was with that big Christmas light display last night?" Kyon asked, and Mario noted his speech was slurred as well- it was like he'd spent the previous night drinking heavily. "Hope... hope to see you again..."

"What's up with him?" Link asked of Rusl as they turned and continued their trek.

"Well, it's a very delicate thing, altering memories, and when it's something as large as last night that's being forgotten..."

"Wait, I thought Kyon had a pass to know about smasher stuff," Mario recalled. "Why'd they need to alter his memory?"

"It was at his request," Rusl explained sadly. "He didn't want to remember that... event. And really, I can't blame him..."

And so it came to be that it was a pretty subdued group that arrived on the hill where the Gaignun brothers seemed to be working overtime. The black-and-red-haired brothers were dashing around, struggling to get Whir-Gates to all the smashers clamoring to get the heck outta dodge. Rusl told his group to wait, and pushed his way through the line to approach them.

"Ah, come on, old man, you don't get special treatment just 'cause you know us!" Jr. objected as he noticed Rusl approaching. "I know you all want out, but you'll have to wait in line with everyone else!"

"I'm afraid he's right, Rusl," Gaignun noted, glancing over. "We really can't bend the rules, especially at a time like this."

"Come on, Gaignun," Rusl pleaded. "Uli's back at home, and as far as she knows, we could all be dead."

"Troubling indeed," Gaignun agreed, "but I'm sure the same could be said of many of these people."

Rusl bit his lip. "Okay, Gaignun. Okay. Okay."

Gaignun's eyebrow raised. "Are you trying to threaten me with that, Rusl?" he asked, noting the tone of the 'okay.'

"Perhaps I am..."

"I would like to point out that 'okay' isn't actually a threat."

"It is when it's meant the way _I _mean it- I mean it as, 'okaaaaaaaaaaay.'"

"It's still not a threat, regardless of how many As you add to the end."

"All I'm saying, Gaignun," Rusl said, raising his hands in apparent surrender, "is that you owe me for what happened the other day. You know, with the Warp Zone Network?"

"Um... erm..." Gaignun suddenly began stuttering, his cheeks turning red as he tugged uncomfortably at the collar of his suit.

"I'm sure you wouldn't want Jr. to know about it..."

"Know about what?" Jr. asked, suddenly smiling mischievously. "Come on, tell me- I could use a laugh!"

"No!" Gaignun interrupted. "That... er... that won't be necessary!"

He quickly reached into a box and produced a backscratcher shaped like a rake. He ran some kind of scanner over it and handed it over to Rusl. "Get your family around that, it should get you back to Ordon Cottage. And... hurry." As he spoke, his eyes nervously flicked from Rusl nodding his thanks to Jr.'s somewhat disappointed face.

Rusl, for his part, turned back to his group and motioned for them to gather around.

"Cruel," Mario noted as he touched one of the rake's prongs, "but effective."

"Cruel like an angel's thesis," Link smirked. Thankfully, the Whir-Gate activated before Mario could respond to this one.

The Whir-Gate dropped them off significantly closer to Ordon Cottage than the previous one had been- they appeared with the building in sight. As they walked towards it, there was a sudden cry- "Oh, thank the Wave Existence, thank Din, Nayru, _and _Farore!"

Everyone gave a slight jump as Uli Faron appeared in the door, sprinting towards them. Everyone then proceeded to stare as she tackled, not Rusl, Linebeck, Midna, or Link, but the twin puffballs, who looked as surprised as everyone else felt.

"Mom!" Kirby grunted in surprise. "So-something wrong?"

"I shouted at you before you left!" she cried. "I shouted- those starmen marching all over the place, you could have died, and the last thing I'd have said to you was complaining about test scores!"

Rusl gave a faint smile. "I guess you heard..."

Uli, still with tears on her face, finally released the twins, who began massaging each other's chests for air. Having done this, she turned on Rusl and tackled him as well. "I was so worried- so worried! I should have gone with you-"

"It's alright," Rusl spoke soothingly, running his hands through his wife's hair. "It's alright- we're all okay."

Looking up, Rusl motioned briefly with his head for everyone else to head inside, which they gladly did. On the inside, Linebeck spied a newspaper on a nearby counter, which seemed like Uli had abandoned it when she noticed them Whir-Gating in. "Ah... let's see what the Fourside Tribune has to say about this, shall we?" he asked, glancing at Midna. Midna nodded, and the two sat down on a sofa nearby to unfold the paper and read it, Midna glancing over Linebeck's shoulder. Sure enough, the headline was _TERROR STRIKES THE SMASH-UP GRAND PRIX_.

"Yeah, that's about what I figured," Midna muttered, a slight grimace crossing her face at the actual story. "_Government incapable of tying its own shoes... what else is new... security more full of holes than swiss cheese that's just been used as target practice by a gatling rifle... used by O. Dio... _Holy Xel'lotath, don't tell me this was written by-"

"Yup, sure enough," Linebeck sighed, glancing at the name of the author. "This whole thing has ol' Glados's name all over it- including literally."*

"Far be it from me to criticize a fellow robot needlessly," Rob noted, getting as close to grimacing as he could without a proper mouth, "but I do not care for that particular model. No matter what we at the Government do, she won't stop criticizing us! Why, it was only a week ago that she was ranting about how we should be coming down on redead populations instead of fussing about the Bionis-Babahl smuggling ring, like redead rights weren't spelled out explicitly in-"

"Okay, seriously, Rob, there's no telling what we're gonna do if you tell any more of that story," Kirby noted tiredly.

"Yeah, Kirb might have to resort to gnawing off his own leg- again," Meta agreed.

"Well, at least she's giving Olimar a break," Linebeck noted. "Poor guy got enough from her last year, with the whole 'Roy Alluvia' thing. Looks like she's blaming Harkinian, the new president, for this one." As he spoke, Rusl and Uli re-entered the house, Uli seemingly having fully recovered. "Of course, he probably couldn't have stopped this either, but..."

Abruptly, Midna interrupted. "Oh, hey, Dad, they mentioned you!"

"Oh, really?" Rusl asked, his eyebrows raised, but any further discussion was cut off by Uli.

"What?!" she asked, grabbing the paper. "Where? If I'd seen that, I would have known you were all okay!"

"They didn't mention him by name," Midna shook her head, gently taking the paper back. "It's right here... _'My heart goes out to all the people who waited, overwhelmed by the overtly human character flaw of terror, for news at the edge of the woods. Any chance of this fear being alleviated by the Government was dashed as a Government spokesperson refused to give any details, claiming that no injuries hade been visited upon anyone. Perhaps he should have done some fact-checking with the many bodies rumored to have been carried out of the woods at a later date, and spoken to those who claimed to hear a strange song being sung near the a park development spot..._'"

"Ah, that one's my fault," Mario noted, ears turning red as he sheepishly raised his hand. "Sorry..."

"Oh, that's ridiculous, I don't blame you, Mario," Rusl waved his apology aside. "But still... what was I supposed to say? Nobody _was _hurt- was I supposed to lie and give some sort of large body count?"

"Oh, don't pay any attention to her, Rusl," Uli shook her head. "Everyone knows what Glados is like..."

"Like an AFOSB leader," Kirby and Meta Knight nodded in unison.

"True," Rusl agreed, "but even so, I think I'll be going into the office today."

"Oh, honey," Uli shook her head, "you're on vacation. Can't you-"

"Sorry, but no," Rusl shook his head. "There's going to be a crudstorm there today, they'll need everyone they can get."

"He's right," Linebeck sighed, rising from his place on the couch. "In fact, I think they'll need Midna and me, too..."

"Yeah, I'll just go get my coat, shall I?" Midna muttered. As was common with her, Mario couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or serious.

"It works out for me either way," Rob shrugged. "I needed to see Mr. von Karma about my report on the smuggling ring anyways."

"Yeah, lest we forget the dangers posed by ink," Link muttered.

Mario found himself looking around the house. A thought had just occurred to him. Finally, he simply asked, "Uh, Mrs. Faron? Has Parakarry been in, lately?"

"Parakarry?" Uli asked. "No, there hasn't been any mail since you left. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason," Mario shrugged quickly. "He just likes to check in every now and again, make sure Gamer4 is still spelling his name right, I mean, you know what that guy's like..."

"I see," Uli replied, not looking entirely certain.

"Anyways," Mario continued, trying to diffuse the awkwardness, "I... I think I'll just go dump my stuff in Link's room. You guys with me?"

Seeing the look in Mario's face, Link quickly nodded. "Now that I think about it, I've got stuff to do in my room, too."

"Whoa, too much information there, buddy," Kirby and Meta Knight objected, flipping through their personal little black book of jokes to make when the story achieved a higher rating.

"Not like _that,_" Link objected irritably. "I've got to... er... meet a guy. With a thing. Coming, Zelda?"

"No, why would I-" Zelda objected, only for Link to blink furiously, gesturing his head at Mario, who's eyes were suggestively wide. "Oh, right. I forgot- I need to be there when the guy comes... with the thing."

"A guy... with a thing?" Uli asked bewilderedly.

"Yeah, we gotta meet the guy, with the thing," Mario nodded. "Come on, let's go!"

And so it came to be that the group headed upstairs, congregating in Link's room.

"Alright, who's the guy, and what's the thing?" Zelda asked, crossing her arms.

"Yeah, Zelda, we've got something to confess," Mario noted, following her gesture. "The thing is..."

"There is no guy with a thing," Link agreed.

"Didn't figure, I was just asking why we suddenly needed to meet up here."

"And round the reference out," Mario muttered. Speaking louder, he addressed them. "Alright, here's the thing- remember when I said I wrote to..." Quickly, he checked around them, just for maximum safety, before continuing, "Strider?"

"I recall you saying something like that, yeah," Link agreed. "But what's..." Here, Link quickly looked all around him, just to be sure, "Strider got to do with this?"

"Well, the reason I was writing to-" Mario paused to open the door, making sure nobody was listening on the landing, "Strider in the first place was that I woke up from a nightmare that morning."

"Oh, a nightmare, how terrible," Zelda said sarcastically. "Really worth writing to-" A quick glance out the window to make sure nobody was hanging from it, listening in, "Strider over."

"Not an ordinary nightmare," Mario shook his head. "Do you really think I'd call-" a quick run to the lower level to make sure nobody could hear, then rushing back to the room, threatening to murder the narrator if he dragged this joke out much longer, "Strider over something so petty? No, it was like a vision, or something. And on top of that, when I woke up from it..." He paused himself hear, not to make sure nobody heard him, but to brace himself for the bombshell he was about to drop. "My- my scar was hurting."

And right he was to brace himself, as his friends flipped out, giving such concerned cries for his well-being as, "So?"

Mario sighed and introduced his face to his palm. "Don't you guys remember, way back in _Hylian Stone, _what it meant when my scar started hurting?"

"If I recall, it was because You-Know-Who was... oh, oh, _ohhhhhh. _Oh," Zelda recalled, slapping her fist into her palm. "I see."

"Hold on," Link put in, raising his hand and shaking his head. "Watchu talkin' 'bout, Mario? You-Know-Who couldn't have been in Peach Creek at the time, could he? I mean, the guy's not exactly subtle- I doubt he could be anywhere _near _that close to you without trying to... you know..."

"Yeah," Mario agreed, shaking his head as well. "It really doesn't seem like he was actually there. But... the dream I was having... it was about him talking to Mumkhar... and Markiplier was in there somewhere..."

"Who's Markiplier?" Link asked, question marks in his eyes, causing both his friends to gasp.

"Bite thy tongue, heathen!" Zelda gasped, pointing at him dramatically.

"Make the bad man go away, Zelda, make him go away!" Mario whimpered, hiding out behind Zelda.

"What?" Link wondered, scratching his head. "All I said is that I don't know who Markiplier-"

Mario and Zelda both winced and squawked like a regular smasher hearing Tabuu's name. "He's speaking... the forbidden words... the words that must never, _ever _be spoken!" Mario cried.

"That's right!" Zelda agreed. "You should never have the words 'I' and 'don't' and 'know' and 'Markiplier' in the same sentence unless the word 'not' is inserted in the middle!"

"'I don't not know Markiplier?'" Link wondered. "That's kind of a grammatical nightmare, isn't-"

"It's still better than the alternative!"

"Alright, enough with the hazing, alright!" Link muttered, tapping his foot impatiently. "Why don't you just tell me who he is?"

"Yeah, sure," Mario and Zelda spoke in unison, instantly calming down.

"He's a muggle Let's Player, plays a lot of indie games," Zelda explained. "One of the best Youtubers I know of. Now, that said," she added, turning on Mario, "I don't really see why Markimoo being in your dream is that big a deal. I know I dream about him all the-" abruptly, she stopped, hand going to her mouth. "Let's just pretend I didn't say that."

"Hey, nothing to be ashamed about, he's in everyone's dreams," Mario shrugged.

"Anyways," Link interrupted, "before this whole thing gets anymore awkward, why don't you just tell us what these guys were doing in this dream of yours?"

"Well, Mark basically walked in on Mumkhar and Tabuu planning to kill someone," Mario recalled.

"You mean you, don't you?" Zelda asked, eyes half-closed.

"How'd you know?" Mario asked, eyebrows raising.

"Dude, was it ever going to be anyone else?" Link pointed out. "Anyways, I don't really blame you for dreaming something like that, after everything that's been going on for the past few years- that guy just keeps dinking around with your life-"

"Like a dinkus," Zelda couldn't help putting in.

"...Yeah, whatever," Link shook his head. "The point is, is it really that unusual for you to have a nightmare about him?"

"If it was just that, I'd agree completely," Mario nodded. "But the thing is, it's not just that alone. First, the dream, then I wake up with my scar hurting- and we established what that meant last time, and then a few days later, this whole thing with Tabuu's sign being summoned for the first time since his defeat... there's something not right about this whole thing, I can feel it."

"Maybe it's something to do with how you _won't stop saying that name!_" Link called down from the chandelier that he'd jumped to when Mario had spoken Tabuu's name. Funny, he didn't recall having a chandelier in his room. Just as he remembered this tidbit, the chandelier disappeared in a puff of logical continuity, leaving him to tumble to the floor in a heap.

"And on top of all that," Mario continued as he helped Link to his feet, "there's what Lucario said last year, just after my exam."

All signs of apprehension fell away from Zelda's face, and she almost broke into laughter. "Alright, Mario, when you start using _that guy's _BS prophecies as evidence of a bad moon rising, or whatever, _that's _where I draw the line."

"Look, I know what you think about Lucario," Mario acknowledged. "And most of who I talk to agrees, that guy is talking out of his tail a good chunk of the time, but this time was different- even the Master Hand thinks it might have been an actual prophecy. She said the servant of the Great Darkness would break free before the next day, and that was the _exact night _that Mumkhar escaped and went on the lam. We don't know where he went after that, do we? He could be anywhere by now..."

A creeping dread fell on the room, and Mario found himself unwittingly checking over his shoulder, almost as though he expected the greasy-haired scumbag to appear out of a darkened corner. Mario would never tell his friends this in a million years, but he was secretly carrying around a bottle of water to warm up and dump on any chickens he saw, on the off-chance that it happened to be the biggest traitor he knew...

Ultimately, it was Link who broke this silence. "But hey, it's like you said, you let-" routine check for any eavesdroppers- "Strider know about it, right? That guy spent longer hunting Mumkhar down than anyone- he oughtta know what to do, right?"

"That was definitely my thinking when I wrote him," Mario agreed. "I was kinda hoping he'd get back to me on that by now."

"Yeah, well, we don't know where he is," Zelda pointed out. "He could be in Zanzibar Land, or Japan, or the Mushroom Kingdom- heck, we don't even know if he's still on this planet! He might have gone to Corneria, or Miltia, or Fifth Jerusalem!"

XXXX

"Carry on, my wayward son!" Roy sang along as he cruised down the road in a stolen 1967 Chevrolet Impala. "There'll be peace when you are done! Lay your weary head to rest! Don't you cry no more!"

A gunshot sounded, and he spun his head around to see the two brothers he'd stolen it from chasing him down in a stolen car of their own. "Wow, these guys don't give up," he noted. "Must be all that stuff in the backseat. Told 'em I'd give it back after I find Mumkhar..."

XXXX

"I mean, who knows what kind of trouble he could be getting into!"

XXXX

Roy looked down at a cell phone that had begun to ring. Picking it up, he flipped it open (yeah, remember flip phones? This is a story about flip phones) and answered, "Hello, yello, this is Roy Alluvia speaking."

"Give me back my car, you demonic son of a b****," the voice on the other end demanded without preamble.

"I told you guys, I'm not a demon!" Roy objected. "Pretty quick to shoot at your own car, aren't you?"

"We can fix my baby," the voice retorted. "But all the King's horses and all the King's men won't be able to put _you _back together when we catch you!"

Roy sighed. "You know, you guys are starting to make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"Listen up, we need that car, we were using it to chase down a guardian-"

Wrong choice of words. "WHEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN!" Roy shouted, a look of sheer fury appearing on his face as he spun the wheel around to face his pursuers. "WHEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN?! WHEEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN?!"

XXXX

"Meh, probably nothing too bad," Mario shrugged. "He'd know to lay low."

"One would hope," Link nodded. "Anyways... hey, about we get our minds off all this? What say you grab your kart, get Kirby and Meta to join us, and play some two-a-side Smash-Up?"

"Yeah... yeah, that sounds nice..."

XXXX

Linebeck and Midna, while they _technically _worked with the Government, had only a very loose connection to them, so they were able to get a little more time off than Rusl or Rob could. As for the aforementioned R names... hoo, boy. They were hardly in the house for the rest of the week. Apparently, 'crudstorm' was a generous term for what had hit the Government in the wake of the starman attack. Rusl and Rob left early in the morning, even earlier than when they'd left for the Smash-Up Grand Prix, and often didn't get back until after sunset. Keep in mind, this was still Summer.

"And on top of that, people keep sending letter bombs," Rob lamented one night- the very night, in fact, that prefaced the return to the Smash Mansion. "You know, they send their messages with those yelling mailmen, who leave a bomb to blow us up afterwards. Everyone's in an uproar."

"What's the deal with that?" Peach asked. "I mean, the Government was doing everything it could to keep everything safe, it's not really their fault a bunch of old nutjobs got together and had a few too many bongloads." As she said this, she added a checkmark to- you guessed it- her little black book of jokes and references to make once the series upped in rating.

"Well, I'm glad you see it that way," Rusl smiled at his younger daughter, "but many don't. Glados and her ilk aren't exactly helping... Anyways, in times like these, people like to have _someone _to blame, and at the moment, the Government happens to be the most convenient scapegoat."

"And if those people weren't enough," Rob put in, "there are people trying to take advantage of the situation, making claims for property they most certainly _did not _own, trying to make a profit of all this. Take Kamek for example- tried to put a claim in on a tent that doubled as a four-story mansion, but I know for a fact he was just sleeping under his own cloak."

"That sounds like him, alright," Rusl nodded wearily. "Uli... I'm sorry, but I think I'll skip dinner tonight. I'm just too tired..."

Uli watched her husband sympathetically as he stood and began to climb the stairs. "They're working him too hard," she muttered. "He hasn't had to go into the office on weekends since... well, since You-Know-Who..."

"On his own head," Rob muttered. "Really, he should have cleared it with the head of his department before he went around making statements like that."

"OBJECTION!" Uli shouted, turning on her son. "Dual objection, in fact."

"Like Dual Destinies?" Linebeck suggested.

"Not now," Uli waved him aside. "Logic _and _emotion- logic: Your father _is _the head of his department. Emotion- you know what that Glados is like! She finds minor flaws in people's actions and digs into them deeply to make absolutely _anyone _look bad. I think Kirby and Meta were right when they referred to her as someone who'd fit right in with AFOSB."

"Of course she would," Midna agreed. "If he hadn't commented, then _that's_ what she'd be complaining about- nobody commenting. When was the last time you saw her give a _positive _review on someone? I mean, heck, she even interviewed me once, and remember what she called me?"

"No, what did she call you?" Mario asked, from where he was playing extreme poker with Link.

"A vampire!" Midna exclaimed. "I mean, seriously, imagine that! Me! A vampire! I mean, come on..."

"Well, I'm sure if you just trimmed those fangs of yours every now and again..." Uli suggested.

"I'm not going to trim my fangs, Mom," Midna shook her head, rubbing said pointy teeth gently.

"That reminds me," Link noted, examining his hand closely. "Mario... are you really going to keep... that?" as he spoke, he motioned across his upper lip.

"Of course I am," Mario frowned, oblivious to Link and Zelda whispering in each others' ears as he closely scrutinized his own hand. "Moustaches are cool!"

"No, no, they really aren't," Link shook his head.

"It _does _look kind of unnatural," Zelda agreed. "It kind of looks like you've got a caterpillar crossing your face."

"_I'm not shaving my dang moustache!_"

"You _must _shave your 'stache!" Zelda objected.

"I will _not _shave my 'stache!" Mario retorted, oblivious to Link casually making a switch with his cards.

"You _must _shave your 'stache!"

"I will _not _shave my 'stache!"

"You _must _shave your 'stache!"

"I will _not _shave my 'stache!"

"You _must _shave your 'stache!"

"I will _not _shave my 'stache, and that's final!" Mario slammed his hand on the table. "Alright, Link, cards up!"

Link grinned widely, lifting a single card in the air. "Joker!"

Mario's jaw dropped as Link slammed a single joker down. He was so surprised he didn't notice Zelda smirking and muttering, "Cyclone."

"Joker, joker!" Link cried again, slamming down two more.

"Cyclone."

"Joker, joker, joker!" Link cheered, slamming down still more joker cards.

"Cyclone, cyclone."

"Joker, joker!"

"Cyclone!"

"Okay, okay, enough!" Mario objected, raising his hands. "I can only assume you guys _really _wanted to make a _Nyarko-san _reference, because there's _no way _I'm accepting that a deck has _this many _jokers, let alone that Link actually drew them all!"

Out of nowhere, a large, beefy young man that Mario thought he recognized from the Smash Mansion appeared, declaring, "Man, what a bunch of jokers!"

...At which point the ridiculousness of the whole situation caused the cards to explode, rendering the whole thing moot.

Throughout this whole thing, everyone else was still talking. "Well, I certainly agree that Glados's involvement certainly means trouble," Rob was saying. "She's been snooping around the Government all week, looking for more to complain about- and now she's found out about Adrian Andrews's disappearance. If only Ballyhoo had listened to Mr. von Karma and begun searching for her earlier... throw in the fact that Birdo was found underneath the Mark of the Emissary, carrying the very controller used to summon it... I don't like to think what would happen."

At this point, Zelda's pointed ears perked up, and she spun around. "You want to talk about Birdo-related things you're lucky Glados hasn't found out about, how about the way he _treated _Birdo?" she declared. "Forcing her to read _Twilight _just because she was trying to get out of the way of those... those _terrorists!"_

"Now, now, Zelda," Rob objected, turning his condescending voice on her for the second time in a week, "You _must _see the problems inherent in one of Mr. von Karma's subordinates being so disobedient. In order for a group to function, every member must perform their role."

"Yeah, but when that role is _slavery, _something's jacked up!" Zelda retorted. "And don't try to deny that it was slavery- because it _definitely _was, unless _Mr._" she gave this honorific in airquotes, "von Karma paid her!"

Rob was aghast at having a second disagreement with Zelda so soon, until Uli intervened. "How about you three go upstairs and pack?" she suggested. "We'll try to avoid the usual last-minute scramble tomorrow morning."

Mario and Link, at least, agreed, but were forced to virtually _drag_ Zelda away from where she was glaring at Rob.

As they ascended through the floors, Mario became more conscious of the rain lashing at the building. In the attic, he could vaguely hear the bokoblin kept up there beginning to moan and groan. When they entered Link's room, they saw Riki getting _extremely _overexcited about the fact that they were packing up. Mario checked the keys to his beloved Wild Wing- yeah, sure enough, they were there. As he did so, Link crossed the room and threw an albatross treat or two into Parakarry's cage in the hope of satisfying him.

Seeing this reminded Mario that Parakarry had yet to return. "Hey, Link, you don't think something's wrong, do you?"

"Wrong? That whole gongshow downstairs, and you're asking me if I think something was _wrong_?" Link asked.

"Yeah, point taken," Mario agreed, remembering the disastrous card game. "But I meant with Strider." He didn't bother looking around this time- everyone else was downstairs anyways, and what was going on outside was two degrees away from a full lightning storm. "I mean, it's been over a week, and still... nothing."

"Hey, he hasn't been caught, at least," Link noted. "I mean, come on, it'd be all _over _the Fourside Tribune if he _had._ They'd want to be seen doing _something _right."

"Yeah, but... I just can't shake the feeling that he's getting into trouble..."

XXXX

Roy ran around the bigger-on-the-inside room in the big blue phone box he'd found. "Dang it," he muttered. "Thought this was just that Sky Runner Mario told me about..."

A voice came through on a nearby phone. Picking it up, he recognized it as the man with the bowtie he'd stolen said box from. He listened for a moment, then shouted, "WHAT'D'YA _MEAN, _PARK IT?! WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO DO?! I THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST A FLYING PHONE BOX MY GODSON TOLD ME ABOUT, FOR ODIO'S SAKE!"**

XXXX

"Meh, probably nothing," Link shrugged. "Anyways, how about we get to opening these packages?"

Mario nodded- a day or two previously, Uli had gone shopping for school supplies, figuring it would be faster with one person. They had yet to open and pack everything she'd gotten.

Mario was on the point of flipping through the _Super Smash Bros. Brawl Instruction book, Part One _by Anolis Anomore, when he heard Link retching.

"Something wrong over there?" he asked, turning to see Link holding up a set of clothing. It seemed to be an _extremely _old-fashioned set of clothing, which Mario recalled seeing on Edgworth, a Government Employee, the previous year, including weird handkerchie- er, _cravat..._ but colored a deep shade of pink.

"So, how are you boys doing?" came a voice from the door, and they both turned to see Uli standing there.

"Well... er, Mom?" Link said tentatively. "Isn't this Peach's? Why did you put it in my-"

"Because it _is _yours," Uli shook her head. "Fancy clothes, it was on your list. I got some for Mario, too."

Mario froze, and slowly opened his final package to reveal... something that was actually pretty normal. It was kind of like a tuxedo, except colored a deep shade of red.

"I know how you like the color," Uli smiled.

"Well, that's okay!" Link objected. "What, he gets a different-colored tuxedo, while I'm stuck looking like I got dressed by Arnold freaking Rimmer?!"

"Look, I couldn't get yours brand new, I was going through Good Will at the time," Uli explained. "And I figured it would be better than you having to go naked to whatever they're for, so... take what you can get, understand?" With that, she ducked out of the room.

Another choking noise sounded, and the two boys turned to see it was Riki almost choking on one of his treats. Link sighed as he went to render assistance. "Some days you win, some days you lose, and some days, the world just bends you over, and finds you in the alps," he muttered darkly.

_XXXX_

*Yeah, that'd be the reason for my earlier statement.

** No, I don't know why Roy is crying out to Odio, of all people, but I'm sure he has his reasons.

Okay, nice, medium length chapter, up a week after the last one, going pretty average here. I found myself making a lot of references here, no telling why. Like, even more than I usually make, it was crazy.

Alright, on to _Reader's Corner, _where we of the Writing Gamers Association take time from our busy schedules of watching_ Supernatural _and _Nyarko-san _to answer any problems you reviewers are having! First up, we have a letter from PrincessKatniss, who would like to point out that Tabuu's grunts were actually called _primids_. And she is correct, of course! What I like to think is, the group call themselves the starmen (which is, indeed, a reference to Giygas's toadies in _EarthBound_, though not to the Mario enemy that's actually _called _a 'toady,') while 'primid' is essentially the lowest rank of starman. So, a primid _is _a starman, but a starman isn't necessarily a primid, if that makes any sense. Or maybe I'm just insane. Also, von Karma is angry with Birdo, but he's not a sadist- of _course _he's not giving her that book.

And on to FelineWithin, who expressed some concern about size ratios- specifically, comparing some evil smashers to the size of the starman uniform! And while you're probably right, I'm sure there's some sort of deal worked out for Tabuu's employees if they can't fit in the standard uniform. I mean, come on, the guy's an equal-opportunity employer, as long as you're not a muggle, muggle-born, or have too many muggles in your family tree. Also, while you're probably already aware of _Live Alive's _status, I just wanted to note that the Raven-crossover-horror story will start getting its rewrite after that- I'm thinking of calling it _The Tome, _which sounds Lovecraftian and sums up what it's about, but sounds kind of generic... what do you think? Anyways, Mirrors will go back up after that, retitled _What Lies Beneath. _So, yeah, that's the game plan.

As for something concerning everyone, I think the voting for _Who's my Mad-Eye _is closing up- it seems like everyone who's going to vote has voted, and the reveal _is _in the next chapter, so... if there's any last minute voters, the poll will stay open for them, but for the most part, the votes are all counted, and unless there's some serious changes between now and then, we know who my Mad-Eye is. So... ending these notes before you guys die of old age... until then, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism welcomed, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	13. Flight of the Fox

Gamer4 in. And, right off the bat, I know, I owe you guys an apology. I did something terrible, and now it's time for me to apologize- I lied to you. The truth is, I'd never played Portal when I posted the last chapter. I knew quite a bit about it via popcultural osmosis, but had yet to play it for myself. I have since educated myself, thus altering this gross fallacy. Great game series, by the way.

Anyways, with that out of the way, it is time, my friends! The votes for _WHO'S MY MAD-EYE? _have been counted. The contestants have been weighed, they have been measured, and they have not been found wanting! Some of you even wrote in arguments for why each individual contestant deserved the spot, and while they were all pretty convincing, if there's one thing that's particularly hard to argue against, it's _DAH NUMBAHZ! _and _DAH NUMBAHZ! _have clearly identified our Mad-Eye for this series! So, without further adieu, let's dive right in, shall we?

Disclaimer: Reaching for his saddlebag, he takes a rusty sword into his hand. Striking up a knightly pose, he shouts across the ocean to the shore, 'til he can shout no more:

Chapter XI

Flight of the Fox

"Rise and shine, Mario Mario. Rise and shine."

Mario groaned as he tossed and turned in his bed. There was something up here, a suspicion that only grew more pronounced as the voice continued. "Not that I wish to imply that you've been sleeping on the job- no one is more deserving of a rest. Besides, all the effort in the world would have gone to waste until... well, let's just say that your time has come again."

Mario's brain was desperately trying to reconnect. All these words seemed to actually mean something... but by the time he could wrap his head around it, the voice was continuing. "So, rise and shine, Mario Mario, rise and shine. Wake up... and smell the ashes."

Mario finally cracked his eyes open to see Zelda bending over him, uncomfortably close to his face. "Been playing some Half-Life lately?" he muttered.

"Hey, it worked, didn't it?" Zelda shrugged, backing off. "Hurry up and get ready- we're finally going back to the Smash Bros.!" With that, she headed off towards Link's bed, and began speaking in her odd, stilted voice again. "Rise and shine, Link Faron, rise and shine."

As she was doing this, Mario couldn't help but think, _Finally is right. What is this, the thirteenth chapter? By this time in Hylian Stone, we were already into the first Smash-Up match of the year..._

XXXX

Don't get him wrong, Mario loved the Smash Mansion, but, similar to a couple years earlier, Mario couldn't help but join in the end-of-summer melancholies of Haruhi Suzumiya along with the Farons as they went around making their last-minute preparations for the trip there. The thing was, when he left from the Smiths, he wasn't exactly leaving anything behind, but with the Farons, summer vacation actually felt... well... like summer vacation.

The rain from the previous night hadn't let up in the multiple weeks since the previous chapter, which only added to the general atmosphere of gloom setting in on everybody that morning. Mario could sense it in the others as they began walking down the stairs. However, no sooner had they arrived on the building's ground floor than Uli Faron appeared, calling up: "Rusl, hurry down! Message from Cranky- he needs some help!"

"Cranky?" Rusl asked, coming down the stairs, still pulling his shirt over his head and with a piece of toast in his mouth. Very pretty spectacle, by the way.

Mario, curious, dropped his luggage by the front door and made his way to the kitchen, where, sure enough, Cranky was pacing restlessly around the tile floor. "_Why _that young'n chose _today _to have one of his episodes... youth of today got no sense of timing, when _I _was a boy, I knew better than to attack anything that happened by my house-"

"Your medicine, Cranky," Rusl replied, digging through a case of his own, finally pulling out a notebook and pen. "Now, give me the details, and spare nothing. Was anyone hurt?"

"No, and that's about our _only _blessin' here, I'll tell you that. Them muggles sure got one heck of a fright when he started tearing everything up. It's just lucky I was there to hear about it- can you imagine what they'd do to him for this? Then gettin' all them... er... what do muggles call 'em? Hot fuzz, or somethin' like that... then they got involved, and you know him, he didn't go quietly. Dragged all the way to their jail, screamin' 'bout devils n' vampires..."

"Indeed..." Rusl nodded as he ran his pen across his notebook. "What he believes happened is tantamount... what's his side of the story?"

"Oh, you know that boy- says someone was sneakin' in in the middle of the night, tried to... er... how did he put it... 'gank' him..."

"Did anyone else see this intruder?"

"You oughtta know better than ta ask that, Rusl," Cranky shook his head. "Boy's been suffering from paranoia for a while now- you ask me, he ordered a pizza, forgot about it in the meantime, and attacked the deliveryman when they arrived."

"That sure sounds like him, alright," Midna nodded, causing Mario to spin around- he hadn't noticed her sitting there, helping herself to some deviled eggs. "You know he attacked _me _once? Know what he called me?"

"What?"

"A gremlin! I mean, seriously, imagine that! Me, a gremlin!"

"Well, if you just trimmed those fangs-" Uli put in as she passed by.

Midna cut her off. "For the 9001st time, I'm not trimming my fangs!"

Meanwhile, Cranky and Rusl were still continuing their conversation. "Has Glados found out about this?"

"Not yet, and if we're lucky, we'll keep this quiet enough that she never does," Cranky grumbled. "I swear, that whole family's more trouble'n they're worth... his great grandaddy, Trevor, was just the same..."

Rusl, trying to keep them focused, asked, "So, he didn't hurt anyone, he just caused a ruckus?"

"Thankfully, yeah, but that's still pretty bad in most people's books."

"Alright, I'm on my way. We should be able to get him off with a slap on the wrist, at worst."

With that, Rusl briefly entered the living room, returning with a blue cube in hand. He tossed it on the floor, summoning a pipe, and jumped in, calling out, "Government of Smashing!"

With him gone, Cranky collapsed into a nearby chair, shaking his head. "Why, boy, why today?" Glancing up at his host, he added, "Sorry to bother you this early, Uli, but I owe that boy a favor, I couldn't just let him get arrested... Especially since he's supposed to be startin' his new job today. Has a heckuvva sensa timing..."

With that, the aged primate got back to his feet and followed Rusl's example, producing a warp pipe cube from a pocket and dropping it on the ground.

Linebeck entered just as Cranky entered said pipe. "Was that Cranky Kong?" he asked interestedly.

"Yep, he had to talk to Dad," Midna explained.

"Pretty early- what could be that urgent?"

"Sounds like old Simon Belmont got himself into some trouble."

"Simon, huh?" Linebeck asked as the rest of the residents shuffled their way in. "What's he up to?"

"Simon Belmont?" Meta Knight asked. "Isn't that the nutjob-"

"Oh, be nice about him," Uli said sternly. "Your father has a high opinion of him."

"Not the best evidence," Kirby shook his head. "After all, Dad _is _the guy who thought it would be a good idea to try and convert a phone box into a flying time machine because he saw it on a TV show."

"He was a great smasher in his time, though," Linebeck pointed out. "One of the MVPs during the war against You-Know-Who, and I hear he was even a close friend with the Master Hand."

"A little better, but the Master Hand isn't exactly sane either," Meta shrugged.

"Alright, anyone want to tell me exactly who this Simon Belmont is?" Mario asked, feeling left in the dust.

"He was a hunter a few years ago," Midna explained. "He was always talking about 'Saving people, hunting things- the family business.'" In response to Mario's raised eyebrow, she added, "They actually work for the government- tracking down dark smashers, evil monsters, that kind of thing. One of the best, too, the way I hear it. Though... that was years and years ago. He retired not long after the end of the war with the Great Darkness."

"Yeah, half the Starmen that got caught- during the war or after- have good ol' Simon to thank," Linebeck nodded. "Or, rather, to curse. Which, I think, is why he's gotten so paranoid. Yeah, he sees dark smashers and attempts on his life in everything, but that's after several years of those threats being real- I don't blame him at all."

Uli cleared her throat. "Well, hurry and eat breakfast, everyone- I guess I'll be taking you all to Seatac this year." Glancing at her children who'd already graduated, she added, "Anybody else coming along?"

"Yeah, I'll see you all off," Linebeck nodded.

"I just can't stand to see my little Linky go," Midna added, flashing a mischievous grin that perfectly displayed her pointed fangs. Mario could definitely see how one might mistake her for a vampire.

"I am afraid that Seatac Airport is not on my schedule today," Rob shook his head. "It is unfortunate, however, Mr. von Karma needs me today. Everything is so busy lately that I simply could not justify taking the time off."

"You know, keep up the hard work, Rob," Link put in, "and von Karma might just do you the honor of learning your actual name."

XXXX

As it turned out, they'd have to be utilizing muggle transportation to make it to Seatac airport that day. Similar to the previous year, Rusl had attempted to get some government cars, but, as Rob had said, things were simply too busy to spare anyone, so muggle taxis it was. Mario had to feel sorry for the taxis that had landed this job- the eccentric appearances of everyone involved would have been enough to garner said pity, but the fact that some of Kirby and Meta Knight's patented Andonuts-brand bottle rockets (TM) had accidentally gone off, prompting Simba the Meowth to go haywire and tear apart the leg of the poor driver who'd had the misfortune of carrying him at the time...

Overall, there wasn't a single person who didn't breath a sigh of relief when Seatac Airport finally appeared over the horizon. Everyone piled out of the taxis, and Mario quietly slipped the drivers a generous tip before they drove off into the distance.

It was still raining, by the way. As everyone made their way into the building, they were swiftly soaked to the bone, leading to Mario generating a lot of jealous glares as he quietly boosted his body heat to dry off a little quicker.

Mario was glad that they'd managed to get to Seatac Airport with plenty of time to spare- for the first time since his first year, it wasn't a mad dash to the water park advertisement that acted as the airport's gate between the muggle world and the smasher world. As they approached it, they saw a couple muggle children gleefully running their hands across said advertisement, oohing and aahing as the water rippled around at their touch. Finally, their parents moved them along, leaving it open for the smashers about to phase through it.

It was the most relaxed Mario had ever felt as he, Link, and Zelda gripped their luggage tight and raised it from perdition- er, casually leaned up against the advertisement and passed through it, arriving on the other side with ease. Thinking back, he realized why- first year, he'd been afraid of smashing into the wall. Second year, he'd been in a rush and really _had _crashed into the wall. Third year, heavy rush and he almost hadn't made it. Finally, he was able to do it while completely relaxed.

Up ahead of them was the great, sci-fi-style ship that would be carrying them to the Smash Mansion- the Great Fox. Making their way through the wind, rain, and various other students with their families, the three of them boarded the ship briefly, stowed their luggage away to mark their territory, then returned to the platform to bid the Farons who wouldn't be joining their journey farewell.

"Hey, don't be getting _too _sad on me now," Linebeck grinned during said good-byes. "I'm guessing you'll be seeing us again sooner than you think, since... well, you'll see."

"Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Linebeck?" Kirby and Meta Knight asked, turning on him.

"Like I said, you'll see," Linebeck smiled, winking. "I doubt they'll be keeping it a secret for long once you get there. Odds are, you'll find out tonight! Don't want to ruin the surprise, and besides, Rob would kill me if I did, revealing information that 'Mr. von Karma' had declared top secret."

"It's definitely enough to make me wish I was going back to the Smash Bros. this year," Midna grinned, nodding in agreement. "It... oughtta be interesting. I'll have to keep an ear out, see if I can get some time off to watch some..."

"Watch _what?" _Link asked, eyes narrowing.

"It really will be exciting," Uli affirmed. "Even so... I'm glad they're changing the rules a bit..."

"Oh, come _on!" _Kirby, Meta, and Link all chorused.

"Are you really playing this game with us?" Kirby objected.

"Why can't you just tell us?!" Meta agreed.

At that moment, a whistle sounded overhead, heralding the imminent take-off of the aircraft. "Crud, we have to move!" Mario noted, beckoning everyone over to the ship- mystery or no mystery, he wasn't keen on getting left behind again. Zelda and Peach followed with a slight reluctance, a reluctance magnified a thousand times in the other Faron siblings, who threw grudging looks over their shoulders at their family even as they climbed on board. A moment later, the ship's door closed up, and Mario felt the familiar swing in his belly as the ship rose up into the air.

Kirby and Meta grumbled as they headed off into the ship, most likely to seek their friend, Teddy Ellay. Peach, meanwhile, was flagged down by a friend of hers, a tall woman in armor, a red cape, and with short blue hair, carrying a longsword at her side. The two of them headed off together, leaving Mario, Link, and Zelda to return to their compartment alone.

"What a load of bull," Link growled as he took his seat and glowered out of the window. "You know, Ballyhoo wanted to tell us. Remember, back at the Grand Prix? He was dying to let us know, only didn't because von Karma dragged him off. Couldn't wait to tell everyone, but my own family...

"Quiet!" Zelda suddenly spoke up, with a note of warning in her voice.

Mario threw a confused glance at her, but understood when he heard the voice going down the ship's main hall- "You know, I was almost set to go to Mycrowsoft- the old man's tight with the headmaster there, of course. I mean, when you compare the chief to that senile old hand, there's just no competition- I can't see them letting all these wollywogs into a high class place like that. It's down to my mom that I started at the Smash Bros.- she didn't want me to be too far away. But even so, Mycrowsoft really knows what's up- they actually get to learn about the Evils there, instead of this stupid protection stuff the Smash Bros. is always spewing."

Finally, Bowser's voice faded into the distance, which was fortunate, considering the old, familiar teapot-whistle coming from Link's direction.

"So, he almost got sent to Mycrowsoft, huh?" Zelda noted thoughtfully. "Wish he had gone, then _we _wouldn't be saddled with him."

"Mycrowsoft- another smasher school?" Mario guessed.

"Yep," Zelda nodded, leaning back. "And from what I hear, it has a terrible reputation- it's like the Sierra of smasher schools- in other words, right up Bowser's alley."

"Hmmm... I may have actually heard about it," Link put in. "Happen to know where it is?"

"Well, nobody really knows except for the people who go there," Zelda shrugged.

"Huh? Why?" Mario and Link chorused.

"Well, there's traditionally a lot of rivalry between smasher schools," Zelda explained, hands steepled in front of her face, Gendo-style. "And no rivalry greater than between the Smash Bros., Mycrowsoft, and Sohnee. They all want to keep their secrets... well, secret, so they jump through quite a few hoops to make sure that nobody can visit them without consent."

"Are you kidding me?" Link objected. "If any school wants to compete with the Smash Bros., they'd have to be _huge._ How would you hide something like that?"

"Well, we hide the Smash Bros. well enough," Zelda pointed out.

"We do?" Mario and Link asked, question marks in their eyes.

"For crying out loud, this is basic stuff!" Zelda objected exasperatedly. "You could learn this just by reading _History of the Smash Mansion!_"

"Well, that certainly explains why we don't know," Link nodded. "So, feel like letting us in?"

Zelda performed the patented Edgeworth head-shake, prompting some humor in Mario. _Oh, don't pretend you don't love it..._

"Well, to begin with, the whole thing's surrounded by a perception filter," Zelda explained, a finger in the air. "To outsiders, the whole thing looks like an old, abandoned asylum- Arkham, I think-" prompting an aneurysm in her mustachioed friend- "-and if they try to walk in- well, where do you think all those stories of haunted buildings come from?"

"Boos and Tane-Tanes?" Mario ventured, recalling the previous story.

"No!" Zelda objected. Then, a moment later, "Well, kind of, I guess- I think that the Master Hand contracted the Boo to scare away outsiders, so..."

"So if we _did _manage to find Mycrowsoft, it'd just be an old, ruined asylum?" Link asked.

"Possibly," Zelda shrugged, "but no guarantees. They might have a different approach altogether, though, at the very least, I'm guessing they will have enacted the Verum Effect-"*

"The what now?" Link asked blankly.

"An effect that makes a building impossible to find on maps," Zelda summed up. "But... if I _had _to guess where Mycrowsoft actually _is... _I've heard it's on another planet, to begin with, and I'd imagine it's a pretty cold one, with more hostile conditions than Earth, because everyone who goes there seems to require a HEV suit..."

"Hm?"

"Hazardous EnVironment suit," Zelda brushed them off. "Basically, everything the light touches belongs to the Smash Bros. or Sohnee. That dark part over there? That's Mycrowsoft- you must never go there."**

"So they have to go through space to get there?" Link asked. "Oh, that would have been awesome- just shove Bowser out into the void, and pretend that the airlock just malfunctioned... it would have been so great! Too bad his Mom is the one person in the universe who actually likes him..."

Mario had previously thought the weather would clear up a bit on the trip to the Smash Mansion, but no dice- if anything, things were even drearier up in the clouds. To cheer them up, when the lady pushing the snack cart came around, Mario wasted no time in getting them some strawberry cake- though things went sour when a mysterious red-haired woman in stylized armor appeared and snatched it right from under them, prompting them to fall back on some chocolate cake instead.

Along the way, several of their friends dropped in to greet them, including Diddy Kong and Ness, who were still arguing furiously about the merit of Sonic games, with Luigi Luigi in tow, desperately doing everything he could to not fan the flames. Diddy was still wearing a pin that was gleefully calling out the names of Germany's players. Their appearance heralded new life in the group's discussion of the Grand Prix.

Luigi, it seemed, had been unable to attend the event, and was the odd man out, listening in jealously as they all described it. "It sounds great, but my Granma didn't want us to go- something about karts being the Devil. Was it really awesome?"

"Oh, yeah," Link grinned, producing his Sonic action figure. "Check out the merchandise!"

"Oh, wow..." Luigi moaned with envy as Sonic began breakdancing on Link's palm, cheering out, "Come on, step it up!"

"And if _that _wasn't awesome enough," Link grinned, "we got to see the real thing up close! We were in the top box when-"

"Yeah, and I hope he enjoyed it while he could, 'cause it ain't happening again any time soon," came a sneering, derisive voice from the door, causing everyone to turn and see the unwelcome snout of Bowser Dragmire in the door, flanked, of course, by Ganondorf and Wario, his lackeys at the Smash Bros.

"Oh, goody, if it isn't our personal stalker," Mario muttered darkly as his eyes fell on the turtle.

Bowser turned to him to throw out what would undoubtedly have been a biting, witty retort- by his standards– but he was distracted by the sight of something in the luggage rack. "Holy Wave Existence, what is _that, _Faron?"

Link's ears turned red- Bowser had spied the edge of his hot pink formal clothing. He tried to shove it further to the back, but Bowser was closer, wrenching it out and wasting no time in guffawing at it with his cronies as his eyes fell on the suit in all its splendor.

"Well, Faron, I never knew!" Bowser chortled, tears streaming down his face. "I mean, I knew you were dirt poor- and that's an insult to dirt- but I never knew even you would stoop to wearing such a gay outfit!"

"Well, Bowser, I never knew you were capable of such cunning insults!" Zelda interjected, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Calling things you don't like 'gay'! How original- you up all night thinking of that insult?"

"Besides, clothing can totally fall in love with other clothing of the same sex," Mario snarked. "Go home, Bowser, just go home."

Bowser gave a brief frown as he stuffed the clothing back in the luggage rack, then turned it upside down as he found another line of attack. "So, Faron, thinking about entering?"

"Entering what, the Smash Mansion?" Link asked, raising his eyebrows. "Well, yeah, I kinda do every year."

"Not the mansion!" Bowser laughed. "You gotta know what I mean, don't play dumb, just tell me if you're going to enter! I mean, I already know Mario will- he never misses a chance to show off, does he? I suppose you'd want to bring some glory to the Faron name- first time in about five eternities- and there's supposed to be prize money involved, so-"

"Bowser, either explain or get the fu-"

Bowser interrupted with a hacking cough, that casually turned into a laugh. "You mean you don't _know?! _You're not playing dumb, you really don't know?" He began to feign thoughtfulness, raising a claw to his chin to appear contemplative. "Then again, given your old man's station at the Government... he's in the least important, department, right? The one that shouldn't even exist? Yeah, they're probably careful not to talk about important stuff in front of him, in case he messes everything up..."

With that, he joined Ganondorf and Wario in chuckling down the hallway, leaving everyone else in the compartment to hold Link back- no small task.

Finally, he sat down, his teapot whistle dying down. "Winnicott," he muttered. "I mean, Dad's head of his department, about the highest he could be right now."

"Yeah, we know," Zelda agreed, trying to calm him. "It's like you said, he's just a winnicott. Don't listen to him, he's not worth the time and energy to get angry at."

Unfortunately, however, this set the tone for the rest of the journey to Kurain station. Link retained a sour look on his face even as he went over his reflection in the mirror to make sure he had his tunic set up just the way he wanted.

Zelda allowed Simba to hop up on her shoulder as they left the Great Fox, while Link left Riki behind to be take up to the aviary. Zelda swiftly regretted her decision as a bolt of lightning cracked through the air, resulting in several deep scratches in her shoulder. Outside, the rain was falling thick and fast- the only storm that Mario had seen that even remotely compared was the one that had raged through the first Smash-Up match of the previous year- and event that was only a contender.

As ever, Mario sought out a dark shape at the station. Finally, he heard the familiar cry- "Noobies, dis way! First years be comin over heres, bitte danke!"

Mario squinted, and was just barely able to make out an insane left hand carrying a lantern, which concerned him even more as he was right next to him.

"Hey, Crazy, how's it going?" he called out over the roaring wind.

"Not great it could be!" Crazy shook himself. "Me be happy see y'all, 'course, 'n loada superspecialawesome stuff be goin' on dis year, but we gotsta get over dat lake first, 'n dat no be sometin' I lookin' forward to!"

"I know I'm not jealous of the first years," Zelda agreed, shivering as she glanced in the direction of Lake Delfino. "Making the crossing in this weather..."

Mario and Link nodded as they began making their way through the crowds to the carriages pulled by invisible horses nearby. Luigi greeted them from inside one, and sat with them as they began their trip up to the great mansion on the hill.

_XXXX_

* A reference obscure enough that I feel the need to explain without anyone asking: Grimoire Verum is a character from Xenosaga that managed to make _Earth _disappear, so thoroughly wiping it off the maps that it still wasn't any closer to being rediscovered four _thousand _years later. Yeah, nice job there, Verum.

** And now you guys know my stance on the console wars- I have the ability to play games from every Nintendo system and the first three Playstations, but do not own, and don't plan on ever owning, any form of X-Box. Hope that doesn't offend anyone, but I'll extend an apology if it does.

And... of course, I was joking in the intro. The Portal thing wasn't the terrible thing I did- the terrible thing I did was leave this story unupdated for a whole _month. _I am very sorry, but I do have an excuse, of sorts- that friend of mine, Gandora, who moved a while back, recently returned for a couple weeks, just to say hi to all his old friends, so I've been catching up with him. However, that's no excuse, so to express my sincere apology, I'll give a response to a frequent question asked- with the revelation of three of the tournament participants, who will be Fleur Delacour? Well, for obvious reasons, I can't actually _say _who it is, but to apologize for this whopping hiatus, I'll give a hint- they're the protagonist of my third favorite game series, right behind _Xeno _and _Earthbound, _which I've referenced many, _many _times over the past few stories, but hasn't had a character appear yet in more than a cameo. And, just because it was such an atrocious hiatus, (even Gandora can't entirely excuse this one,) I'll also say that, should we get to Luna Lovegood, she's going to be someone I ship with Luigi- one of the few crossover ships I support.

Anyways, it feels like this chapter was actually shorter than normal, after such a long hiatus, so I'll probably interrupt my writing schedule a bit here, get the next chapter up sooner than normal. Lest I jinx myself, I'll say nothing more (and honestly, I've probably said too much already,) except that I hope to have it up in a more timely manner than this one. Hope to see you all again soon, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism or questions welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	14. The Console Games

Gamer4 in, and welcome, once more, to the fanfiction that always crawls up to you with a smile! Seriously, please don't kill me for the title of this chapter! I mean, it's July! July is a good month- so many cool things happening. First, Gandora returns for a couple weeks (though he'll be going back soon... boo...) Then he gives me a birthday present (yeah, my birthday's coming up soon, he gave me said present early since he won't actually be there) that consists of Fire Emblem, Awakening! Turns out he knows a bit more about Fire Emblem than I'd thought, and thought Awakening would be a good first game for me! And it turns out... he was right! I'm currently giving the series a second chance, starting with the two games that I have (Awakening, of course, and Sacred Stones,) and, depending on those, my third would probably be Binding Blade, just to see how badly I butchered Roy's characterization. So, yeah, things are pretty good (Ocelot gesture) at this end, so wouldn't it just be in terrible taste to kill me _just _for making your brains bleed with this chapter's title? Please? Spare me? Well, either way, let's jump in.

Disclaimer: "See the jailer with his key, who locks away all trace of sin. See the judge upon the bench, who tries the case as best he can.

Chapter XII

The Console Games

Mario watched eagerly through the carriage's windows as, at long last, the Smash Mansion appeared over the horizon. This was the moment he'd been looking forward to all Summer... if one didn't count the Grand Prix, of course. "Thing of beauty," he grinned.

"It really is," Luigi agreed next to him, drawing his attention.

"Oh, hey, Lu!" Mario suddenly perked up, noticing what he hadn't before. "You grew a moustache, too?"

"Oh, yeah," Luigi nodded, fingering his own growth of dark hair over his upper lip. "I've been trying to grow it out since last year, it suddenly came in this Summer, it's awesome!"

"Meh, nothing to be proud of," Link shrugged. "I mean, what's really so special about moustaches anyway?"

Abruptly, he recoiled from the dark aura that arose from the boys in red and green- "Do _not... _diss... the staches!" they growled in unison.

"Oh, calm down, he's just jealous because he can't grow one," Zelda smirked.

"Oh, come on, not you too, Zelda!" Link objected.

And so it came to be that the remainder of the trip up to the mansion was mainly marked by two different conversations- Link and Zelda debating about whether or not the former could grow a moustache, and Mario and Luigi discussing how awesome their new lip-warmers were.

Finally, the trip ended, and Luigi headed off to meet up with Diddy and Ness, leaving Mario, Link, and Zelda to rush across the grounds towards the mansion's front doors, struggling to get in before they drowned from the rain alone.

"Raining, raining, raining," Link grumbled upon entrance, taking off his floppy hat to wring it out. "It's not long before the noobs won't even have to do any walking to get to the mansion- they can just row right up to the front-"

"Ker-sploosh!" came a loud, heckling voice from above, followed by a very real, *KER-SPLOSH!*

And with that, Link was left looking around furiously for his assailant- namely, the assailant who'd just dropped a great, big water balloon on him. "Alright, who's the wise guy?!" he raged, drawing his sword. "I'll take you on! I'll take you all on! I am the swordmaster!"

As Link continued ranting, Mario scanned the ceiling, and, sure enough, spotted the Boo soaring above, with a whole arsenal of water balloons circling him like some demented model of the solar system.

"Freaking Boo!" he grumbled, snapping his fingers and summoning a handful of fire- that was swiftly extinguished by another balloon.

"Nice try, there!" the Boo cried out in wicked delight. "But the old Boo's caught on to all your tricks, fire boy! You won't be taking him down again!"

"BOO!" came another cry from across the mansion's foyer. Everyone turned to see a tall, blond woman dressed in a blue outfit encompassing her entire body except for her head storming across the hall. As she did, she drew a gun, of sorts, from her belt and fired off a couple shots at the floating, spherical menace, who danced around the beams, cackling madly all the while.

"Oh, ease off, I'm not hurting anybody, am I?" he chortled. "It's not like they were dry to begin with!"

"Swear to the Wave Existence, Boo!" the woman shouted, firing a couple more times. Unfortunately, as she was strafing around the room to get the spirit in her sights, she slammed her foot into a patch of ground completely doused in cold water and lost her footing, causing her to slip spectacularly until she slammed into the still-raging Link, leaving them both plummeting towards Mario and Zelda, who reached out to catch them on instinct- Mario caught Link, and Zelda the woman.

"Oh- thanks, Hyrule," the woman- forget it, you already know who she is- Samus grunted, forcing herself to her feet again and struggling to maintain her dignity.

Link, meanwhile, looked up at Mario, and couldn't help but smirk at the position they were in. "What, no flowers?" he quipped, prompting Mario to simply drop him.

Leaving Link on the ground, unable to help it, Mario turned to his teacher with a slight smile, and threw out a quip of his own- "So, Ms. Aran, built anything in a cave... with a box of scraps lately?"

Samus turned to him with her eyes half-closed. "Unless you want another detention before the school year even starts, Mario..."

"Sorry, sorry!" Mario gave a small laugh as he raised his hands in surrender. "Couldn't help it."

Samus shook her head, then turned back to the Boo. "So help me, Boo, if you don't stop this right now, I _will _talk to the Sierra Shade! Don't think I won't!"

The Boo flipped around in the air, making a wild face at the Smash Mansion's vice headmistress and dropping the remainder of his balloons at the same time, before shooting through a nearby wall. That, Mario thought, was a true testament to just how unmanageable the Boo was- even Samus had to threaten to get someone else to push him back into line.

Samus threw one last glare in the direction the Boo had disappeared, then turned to the students still in the hall, grumbling about how newly wet they were. Still working to overcome her annoyance, she began ushering them into the Dining Hall, trying to get things back in order. Mario, Link, and Zelda followed suit, Link still grumbling abuse about the spherical spirit as he struggled to get all the water out of his hair.

Thankfully, it was much warmer in said Dining Hall. Of course, literal temperature didn't mean much to the pyromancer who was, once again, increasing his body heat, causing the water on him to turn to steam, but he could feel a warmth in his chest nonetheless as he gazed around at the familiar sight. The five tables, four set adjacent to each other on the ground, the fifth elevated a few steps above, overseeing the hall. The four ground tables, of course, belonged to the four groups of the Smash Bros.: Nintendo, home of courage and nobility, Hal, home of loyal, hard workers (and great finders, but who's keeping track,) Retro, home of the wise and intelligent, and Sierra, home to the power-hungry and cunning, but Mario preferred to simplify it to 'home of the scumbags.' The fifth table, naturally, belonged to the staff of the mansion, gazing down at their charges- though just barely, in certain cases, such as Pikachu, teacher of weapons, who had to sit on a pile of pillows to just barely reach his meal- not that any such meal had appeared yet.

Floating gently above each table was that group's ghost- sort of the spiritual mascot for each group, though they probably wouldn't appreciate being addressed as such. The Sierra Shade, a glowering skeleton in gold, stereotypical-viking-style armor, for Sierra, Rauru the fat priest with a wrap-around-the-head moustache for Hal, some woman that Mario hardly paid any attention to for Retro, and Pit, a young man dressed like the archetypical angel, for Nintendo. Said young man greeted Mario, Link, and Zelda jovially as they took their seats. "Great day, isn't it, guys?" he grinned as he floated near them.

"Says you," Link grumbled irritably. "I am cold, wet, _and _hungry."

"Oh, Link," Pit smiled as he shook his head. "Look on the bright side! It could be worse."

"For you, of course it could," Link agreed. "You could have flesh and blood when I turn into a cannibal halfway through the sorting."

"Oooooookaaaaaaaay..." Mario noted, casually scooting a few inches away from his friend. "No offense," he added, "but I'd like to not get eaten in the first sorting I get to watch since mine."

Sad, but true- ever since Mario himself had been sorted into Nintendo, it seemed like fate was conspiring against him to prevent him from witnessing any more. He was reflecting on this as he continued gently scooting along the table, until, with a grunt, he bumped into somebody behind him. "Oh, sorry," he grunted quickly. The color then proceeded to vanish from his face as the student he'd bumped into replied:

"It's alright, Mario, if you're doing it, there's gotta be a good reason!"

Mario froze, and proceeded to turn around in a slow, jerky fashion. Sure enough, sitting right behind him was Pichu, a fellow Nintendo who happened to be probably his biggest fan. If he hadn't been a big enough fan to begin with, a couple years previously saw Mario getting caught up in certain events that, in a roundabout way, led to Pichu's live being saved, only leading to the young mouse pokemon becoming even more smitten with him. While Mario, of course, wasn't going to knock anybody who was so willing to stand in his corner _too _much, he had a tendency to be pretty overbearing...

"Hey, Mario! Mario! Mario! Hey, Mario!" Pichu chirped, only confirming Mario's memory.

"Yeah?" Mario finally asked.

"Guess what?!"

Mario waited for a minute, before finally saying, "What?"

"Come on, guess!"

Mario sighed. He hated it when people actually expected him to guess. "Hmm... Erza Scarlett is going to get more screentime than her cameo from last chapter?"

"Nope!"

"Er... we're finally going to introduce Samus's power suit?"

"Uh-uh."

*Sigh.* "Umm... Mother 3 is finally coming to the Virtual Console?"

"I hope so, but no, that's not it!"

"Come on, Pichu," Mario muttered. "Just tell me, already."

"Okay!" Pichu nodded happily. "It's my brother, Plusle! He's finally coming to the Smash Bros. this year!"

"Y- you have a brother?" Mario asked nervously.

"Oh, yeah, and he's almost as big a fan of yours as I am!" Pichu nodded happily. "I mean, we all know that I'm your number 1 fan, but he's a close second! Keep your fingers crossed for him to get into Nintendo, alright?"

Mario struggled to speak, but felt like there was something lodged in his throat, and thusly settled for a simple nod before turning to the others. Not that he'd want brothers to be broken up, but for crying out loud, one of them was enough...

Turning to Pit, he asked, "Do siblings usually get sorted into the same group?"

"Usually," Pit nodded, "but I have heard of some who got sorted into different groups. I know a family of swordfighters who had a pair of identical twins- I think their names were Marth and Lucina- and they got sorted into different groups. And then, when me and _my _brother got sorted, I went to Nintendo, and he went to Sierra! Can you believe that? I mean, what difference was there between him and me?"

"Hard telling," Zelda shrugged. "I didn't even know you _had _a brother. But," she added, addressing Mario in turn, "he's right- I mean, look at Saria and Fado Kokiri- nigh identical, act almost completely the same- Saria's in Nintendo, Fado's over in Retro."

"But then there's the Farons," Link pointed out. "It's been _generations _since there's been a Faron not in Nintendo. I guess it really just depends..."

Mario, meanwhile, had long since lost interest in this conversation, and was scanning the staff table. He couldn't help but notice that there seemed to be more empty chairs than usual. Samus and Crazy were absent, for one, but he'd expected that- Samus was probably still out chasing the Boo, while Crazy was in the middle of ferrying the new kids across Lake Delfino. But even noting this left one teacher unaccounted for. Running the teachers that _were _present through his mental database, he was able to deduce who was missing- "Hey, guys," he muttered, getting his friend's attention, "Where's the new Protection from the Evils teacher?"

The others ceased said conversation and noticed what he had. For the past three years, (and, the way Mario heard it, quite a few years before that,) the Smash Bros. had consistently lost every single teacher of Protection from the Evils they had. Whether it was King Dedede, who'd resigned after a year of being used as a pawn by Mewtwo, Fox McCloud, who'd resigned after Wolf had revealed his... werecreatureism to the rest of the school, or Tingle Limpah, who'd been let go after essentially turning himself into a vegetable, they never seemed to be able to hold on to those Protection from the Evils teachers. However, that did nothing to explain the lack of a new recruit at the staff table.

"Couldn't they get anyone?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow.

"They wouldn't just drop the class, would they?" Zelda put in, wringing her hands. Mario simply shrugged.

Scanning the table a little longer, he was able to spy Wolf O'Donnell, his least favorite teacher at the mansion, the master of power-ups. Well, if there was one class he'd have been glad to give up, that would have been it, but fate seemed like it wouldn't be that kind- Wolf held a grudge against Mario due to hating his father before him. And just when it seemed like Wolf couldn't hate him anymore, the previous year, Mario had helped Roy escape from under his snout- and while Wolf couldn't prove it, he heavily suspected that Mario was involved in said escape somehow, only taking his hatred for the boy to new levels.

However, Mario couldn't help but feel a sense of calm wash over him as his eyes passed from Wolf to the teacher in the center of the staff table- a gigantic right hand inside a glove. With that distinctive outline, trademark glove, and general aura of calmness and peace, it could be none other than the Master Hand, headmaster of the Super Smash Bros., and known throughout the world as among the greatest smashers who ever lived. When he was in the room with you, it didn't matter who you were, you just couldn't help but feel that everything was going to be okay.

...Unless, apparently, you were Link on an empty stomach. "Oh, come _on! _Can't those guys fight their way across a heaving, overflowing lake full of creatures _faster?! _I'm starving here! Sonna a formato!"

And impeccable was his sense of timing, as these words had only just finished coming from his mouth when the doors to the dining hall swung open, and the new students appeared, being led by Samus Aran, still with a faint look of disgruntlement on her face from the Boo. Mario's eyes scanned the new arrivals, looking for someone who bore a family resemblance to the young lightning mouse... well, with smasher genetics, this wouldn't be easy...

Or, alternatively, it could take him three seconds to track down the student that looked almost exactly like Pichu, but with red mixed in with the yellow instead of black, and with a plus sign or two imprinted on his body. Not sticking out enough? He was also wrapped up in a large, white, left-hand glove. On top of this, his behavior was nigh identical to Pichu's when he'd first arrived at the mansion- eagerly scanning everything in the hall, desperately taking everything in. And just in case all that was just a coincidence, when his eyes passed in the direction of Pichu himself, they held what was quite clearly a nonverbal exchange, communicating things to each other that Mario couldn't determine, for the life of him- apparently, the brothers had developed their own sign language.

Samus, meanwhile, ascended the steps to the raised platform at the head of the hall, where she produced a stool and a large object resembling a cross between a backpack and a water pump- the famed Smash Bros. Sorting F.L.U.D.D. Having done this, she turned to the students and announced: "When I call your name, you will come and strap the F.L.U.D.D. to your back. It will tell you which group you are best suited to."

A moment later of nervous chatter amongst the noobs, and she began. "Lon, Romani!"

A young, red-haired girl walked up, allowing Samus to strap the pack to her back. A moment later, and the nozzle began twitching as a voice spoke out- "Retro!"

Mario joined in with the rest of Nintendo politely clapping for Romani as she took her seat over at Retro's table. As he looked over, he caught sight of Pauline Dama, a young woman he'd previously met on the Smash-Up field as a rival seeker. Funny, he wouldn't mind transferring to Retro himself. Brains over brawn, and all that...

He tore himself out of his reverie just in time to witness the sorting of someone named Vivian Spur, who was placed in Sierra, earning them quite a few boos from Nintendo's end. Mario, for his part, clapped politely as usual, but couldn't help wondering if this... Vivian was aware of the many unsavory rumors about that particular group.

A second later, Misty Lillis became the first new addition to Hal.

"Tepes, Alucard!"

"Sierra!"

"Black, Juju!"

"Hal!"

"Minun, Plusle!"

Mario watched on, not wanting to tempt fate one way or the other as the young mouse-like creature finally shed Crazy's glove in favor of the pump. A moment passed, and...

"Nintendo!"

Though Mario was still ambivalent towards the idea, he resolved to continue his polite clapping as Plusle made his way through the tables towards his brother. "Bro, I fell in the lake, I fell in the lake!" Plusle cheered as he made contact. "It was so cool- I was going down, and down, and then this big, white tentacle wrapped around me and pushed me back up!"

"Oh, sweet!" Pichu cheered. "Must have been the Bloop!"

"Oh, really?!" Plusle gave a cry of pleasure, stars in his eyes as though this best way to start the school year possible. "And to think this is just my first day!"

Mario gave a sigh, but smiled nonetheless as he turned from this scene of brotherly compassion. Annoying at times, perhaps, but he'd never wish unhappiness on them...

"And guess what- it's about to get even better!" Pichu continued. "Look around- see that boy- that guy there, with the big moustache? You know who he is?"

Mario's ears turned red. Never mind, he took it back, the Bloop should have dragged that freaking mouse down to the depths.

Link began to groan as the sorting dragged on and on. "Oh, come on, are those kids cloning each other out there?"

"Oh, come on, Link, the sorting is much more important than eating!" Pit reprimanded him.

"Easy to say, when you don't _have _a stomach to grumble," Link grumbled himself.

"I'm choosing to hear your words and not your tone," Pit replied happily.

"Not sure how that applies here- I mean, his words were pretty rude in general," Zelda pointed out.

"Whatever," Pit shrugged. "I'm just saying that it's a magical moment- all these new students, ready to find their limitless potential- this is where it all starts for them! I just hope that our new Nintendoes do well- we don't want to break our winning streak this year, do we?"

And in case you were wondering... the sorting was still going on. It was hard telling exactly where along the line they were, as they were pretty clearly not going in any sort of alphabetical order...

XXXX

Finally, the last student, Donnel Tinhead, became a Hal, and the sorting ended. Silence fell as Samus took away the stool and F.L.U.D.D., leaving the Master Hand to rise from his seat, floating serenely at the head of the hall. "In all my years of travel and experience," he announced, "I have discovered certain words that I believe fit this situation very well. And those words are: 'Chow down!'"

Link dabbed at his eyes with a napkin. "Oh, he has _such _a way with words- it's so beautiful!"

That said, the swordsman wasted no time in turning on the food that had just appeared on the plates up and down all the tables. Hungry as he was, Mario was at least able to refrain from diving on it like a starving person, but Link had never been a paragon of self-restraint to begin with.

"Now we're talking!" he was currently whooping as he tore apart a steak like a wild animal.

Pit gently floated down next to them, leaning back on an invisible chair. "You know," he mused out loud, "There almost wasn't a feast tonight. Trouble down in the kitchen."

"What happened?" Mario asked, taking a break from his meal to raise an eyebrow.

"I'll give you three guesses- and the first two don't count," Pit smiled.

"Oh, gosh, I don't know, I might have to phone a frie- Boo," Mario pretended to be confused for a moment before offering up the nigh-inevitable answer.

"You got it," Pit nodded. "We ghosts had a meeting earlier today, and he tried to pass a motion to let him come to the feast."

"Come to think of it," Mario recalled, raising a finger to the air, "I don't think I've ever seen the Boo at a feast."

"And is that really a surprise?" Pit replied, unusually deadpan. Mario blinked- Pit was usually pretty gung-ho for a dead person, but it seemed like the Boo brought out the worst in him- though, in fairness, the worst Pit had to offer wasn't really much worse than getting a bit snarky- on his worst days. "Anyways, the vote was almost deadlocked- there were actually quite a few ghosts who wanted to give him another chance- but then the Sierra Shade said no, and that pretty much sealed the deal. I mean, even if he got his motion passed, I don't think he'd do it if the Shade disapproved. But, of course, that doesn't mean he had to like it, I guess..."

"I thought he seemed a little peeved," Mario recalled. "So, what did he do in the kitchen?"

"Well, he didn't waste any time coming up with something creative- just went down there and caused some mayhem- threw food around, overboiled some soup, juggled a few knives... the Shade had to step in eventually, but I hear it scared those poor yoshis out of their-"

*CLANG!*

Pit was jolted out of his narrative by the sound of clanging metal. He, Link, and Mario all then proceeded to turn to the source of the noise- Zelda Hyrule, mouth agape, dropping her utensils on her plate. "_What _did you just say?!" she exclaimed.

"The yoshis," Pit repeated, one eyebrow raised. "I said the Boo scared the yoshis pretty bad."

"Th-th-the-thethethethe..." Zelda stammered. Finally, she forced out, "There are yoshis _here? _In the _Smash Mansion_?"

"Oh, yeah," Pit nodded. "Quite a few, too. Not sure exactly _how _many, but it's a pretty sizable force."

"W-b-h-what is this, I don't even..."

"You okay there, Zelda?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow in concern.

"No, not really!" Zelda exclaimed back. "I mean, really, did _you _know this?"

"Well, not for _certain_," Link shrugged. "I mean, I guess I was always thinking in the back of my mind that Mido couldn't possibly take care of the whole mansion, and all the cooking and all that by _himself. _And I guess yoshis would be the obvious solution..."

"And you, Mario?!" Zelda hysterically turned to her other friend.

"Oh, yeah, I knew," Mario nodded. "Strider mentioned in one of his letters that he got his knife from them- had to sneak it around them, apparently, but he filled me in on-"

"So everyone knew this except for _me_?!" Zelda cried.

"What's the big deal?" Link asked. "I mean, is it really all that important?"

Zelda, ignoring him, turned on Pit. "They get paid, don't they? All the usual benefits- 401k, dental, all that good stuff?"

"The way I hear it, the Master Hand offered those things to them, yeah," Pit spoke, rubbing a finger along his cheek in thought. "But the yoshis are an uber-conservative society- you get a yoshi that accepts too many benefits from smashers, and they get called no-good hippies. They don't accept any pay, or 401K, or any of that. I think the only benefit they _do _accept is sick days, and that's only because they don't want to ruin the quality of their service."

Zelda's jaw, at this point, had lowered into her stew. Slowly, she raised a hand, placed it on said jaw, re-affixed said jaw to her skull, took a napkin, wiped her chin off, put down the napkin, picked up the stew, and threw it into the face of the author for describing these actions in such detail.

"Whoa, Zelda, what's up?!" Link asked, recoiling slightly.

"Yeah, usually, it's just me that picks on the narrator!" Mario pointed out.

"I refuse to eat any meal cooked by slave labor!" Zelda growled, and proceeded to lean back in her seat, refusing to eat any more or join in any further conversation.

As one might imagine, the rest of the meal was among the most relaxing Mario had ever experienced, what with Zelda glaring at him and Link like they were barbecuing kittens with every bite they took.

And so it came to be that, in a truly rare occurrence, Mario was actually somewhat relieved when the meal concluded- he was on the verge of frostbite if the cold front Zelda was creating went on much longer.

With the feast concluded, the Master Hand rose up, ready to give his actual start-of-year speech. "Well, now that we are all, I hope, nice and full-" (prompting another gasp from Mario and Link as Zelda furiously gave the old hand the bird for this remark,) "-I have a few notices I'd like to give out. First off, I know that we're all good, rule-abiding smashers here, and that in mind, Mido would like me to remind you that you shouldn't be using your powers outside of classes. He also would like it to be known that the banned items list has been extended over the summer, and, if anyone wants to check it, he'll be posting it on every bulletin board tonight."

Mario sighed- Mido really was fighting a losing battle here.

The Master Hand seemed to know it, too, as he seemed to be holding back a chuckle as he continued. "As a reminder to everyone, the dark forest at the edge of the grounds is out-of-bounds to those who actually wanted to go there in the first place. The much more tempting goal of Kurain is _also _barred to those who are below third year, or do not have valid permission forms."

Mario subconsciously pumped his fist into the air for Roy. _Not illegal anymore, buddy!_

"On a much more somber note, I am afraid that I must inform you that the Smash-Up championship will not be taking place this year."

Explosion time. Shouting and muttering alike erupted throughout the hall, particularly from the players of the sport, but also from the fans- which constituted basically everyone present who wasn't a player. Mario threw in some shouting of his own, but couldn't help but notice that Kirby and Meta Knight were _so _thrown off by this, apparently, that they couldn't even bring themselves to make their voices heard- they were just mutely opening and closing their mouths.

Finally, the Master Hand had to resort, once more, to firing missiles from his fingers to get everyone's attention. "Truly unfortunate, I know," he called out, "but I assure you that it is not without reason! For, you see, a truly wonderful event is occurring this year, an event that will take all the time we usually dedicate to Smash-Up. A high price, but I genuinely hope it will be worth it, for this year, the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing will be hosting the-"

"Boom, baby!" came a sudden shout, drawing everyone's attention away from the hand and towards the doors, where a new arrival was standing in a sort of 'Here-I-am' pose. As every eye in the hall fell on him, he fell into a more somber position, before beginning the journey up towards the staff table.

Everyone stared. He was dressed in green armor that covered mostly his upper body, complete with a cape. He wore boots, but there was nothing covering his legs. From his head came a mop of red hair that fell down to his shoulders. Every inch of his face seemed to be heavily scarred. Having abandoned his previous, happier-looking position, he was currently walking down the aisle like a cowboy from a spaghetti western, mean-mugging everyone he passed. As he did, Mario couldn't help but noticed that one of his eyes seemed much larger than the other. The smaller one seemed like a perfectly normal hazel eye, but the other was large, twisted, and a bright shade of yellow. This eye was not acting in a manner one would expect of a normal eye, acting completely independent of the other, and occasionally disobeying biology altogether by swinging around and gazing back through the man's head.

Halfway down the aisle, he paused and produced something from a satchel he was carrying with him- some sort of candy, it looked like. He raised it to his mouth and bit down into it. Even as he swallowed, a grimace crossed his face, like he didn't like what he was tasting at all.

Mario heard a light chuckle at his side. "This guy's funny..." that was Plusle.

Abruptly, quick as lightning, the man turned towards the Nintendo table, almost like he'd heard. With equal swiftness, he reached to his waist, unleashing a whip that had previously been coiled in his belt. A loud *CRACK*ing noise rang throughout the room, but before anybody could even flinch, it had met its mark- a candle that happened to be sitting on the table itself. And, even though all traces of food should have long been cleared away, when that candle got whipped, it produced a pork chop that got caught up in the whip and dragged to where the man was standing. He examined it closely, then took a bite out of it as he continued stomping up towards the staff table.

The Master Hand stepped down to greet him. "Sorry I'm late," the newcomer muttered. "Got attacked by a few demonic sons of b****es..."

"Well, we do have a little food left over, if you'd like."

"You got any pie? I could go for some pie."

"I think we have some left, yes," the Master Hand confirmed, offering the stranger a seat, which he gladly took.

As he sat, a piece of pie appeared on his plate. He examined it closely once more before biting into it. He smiled. "I like me some pie."

The Master Hand gazed around at the hall for a moment, witnessing the stunned looks on everyone's faces. Clearing his non-existent throat, he announced, "For those of you who missed it, this is our new Protection from the Evils teacher, Simon Belmont!"

The Master Hand and the Crazy Hand united to give the teacher some applause, but even they quickly faded as they realized nobody was joining him. Everyone, staff and student alike, was so taken aback by this strange man that they really didn't know what to think. Simon, for his part, didn't seem to care- he had more important things to take care of- like that pie.

"Wait, Simon Belmont?" Mario repeated. "Isn't that the guy your Dad ran out to help today?"

"I think so..." Link agreed. "Definitely matches up with how Dad described him. Kind of odd..."

'Kind of odd' was a very generous term, in Mario's opinion, and the look on Zelda's face indicated she agreed.

The Master Hand shook himself, in the manner that one might shake their head. "Anyways," he announced, "as I was saying earlier... the Smash Mansion will not only be your home this year! In two months, delegates from the schools of Mycrowsoft and Sohnee will be arriving and staying throughout the year as we participate in a legendary event to be hosted here... the Console Games!"

And just like that, all the tension in the hall went out the windows. There were varying reactions across the halls, from cheers, to laughs, to, in the case of Mario as well as a few others, simply face faulting. "Really?" Mario muttered. "_Really? _Is that really a thing we're doing?"

Kirby and Meta, meanwhile, were, as ever, in with the laughing crowd. "Nice joke there, Matty!" Kirby called out.

"Not a joke, Mr. Faron," the Master Hand responded, a smile in his voice, "but if you want to hear a nice one, I _do _happen to have picked up a joke book over the summer, I thought it would be of particular use in-"

"A-hem!" came the noise of Samus clearing her throat.

"Oh, right, another time," the Master Hand muttered embarrassedly. "Anyways, of course, the Console Games! Some of you will be familiar with the phrase, but not everyone is, so for those of you who _do _know, please forgive the brief explanation I will now be offering.

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Mycrowsoft was the first school to host these games. The Console Games are a tournament, bringing together the three largest schools of smashing in the universe- the Super Smash Bros., Mycrowsoft, and Sohnee. From each school, a student was chosen to be their champion, representing their institution of learning as they fought their way through three dangerous tasks. The games would occur every four years, and each school would take turns hosting it. In this fashion, bonds were forged, hatreds forgotten, and friends made, and, in general, it was a pretty sweet deal for everyone involved- until that pesky death toll got in the way. Stupid death, always ruining everything."

"Wow, the author is making himself sound like a winnicott today," Mario muttered.

"Wait, I actually heard that right?" Zelda gasped. "He really said that the death toll was getting too high?"

Most of the hall, however, didn't seem to share her anxiety. When something so cool was going on, who cared about people who'd died all those years ago?

...I feel like there's some sort of allegory I should be making here, but I'm not certain what it is, so we're just going to move along.

The Master Hand continued. "It has been countless years since the last Console Games, but this year, the governments of our individual countries have decided that it is finally time to try again! Come October, Mycrowsoft and Sohnee will be arriving at our fair mansion with their chosen students! The selection of the champions by an entirely non-biased fourth party will occur on Halloween- the chosen students will receive the chance to win the tournament, glory for their school, a thousand gold coins in prize money, and a very nice set of luggage!"

Through the somewhat awkward silence following this statement, Mario turned, slight smile on his face, to where Kirby and Meta Knight were already planning on how to get themselves entered into these games. In fairness, though, they were far from the only ones.

"Now, there _is _a catch," the Master Hand added, drawing everyone's attention back up to him. "I find it an unfortunate truth that just about everything in life has a catch to it, so here's this one- only students of age 17 or older will be considered eligible to enter." Once again, the silence began to die down, as cries of outrage began to roar up from across the school, including Kirby and Meta's cries of "Bull! That's a load of bull!" so that when the Master Hand spoke again, he had to raise his voice quite a bit to make it heard. "This is a decision unanimously agreed on by all three schools, as, while rules are being changed to make the games less lethal than before, they will still be quite dangerous, and it is unlikely that students below senior year would be able to handle them. I will _personally-_" here, he cast a non-existant eye towards the Faron twins- "-be ensuring that no student below senior year may submit their name to our judge.

"As a few final notes, when the delegates from Mycrowsoft and Sohnee arrive, I expect you all to show them as much hospitality as you would any students from our own school, and to extend your full support to our own champion when they are selected. Now, it's getting late, and I'm sure you all want to be well-rested for the first day of the new year tomorrow, so off you go!"

"What, he thinks he's going to stop _us?_" Kirby and Meta Knight chanted in unison as they rose from their seats.

"Many have tried!" Kirby smirked.

"Many have failed," Meta nodded in agreement.

"And besides, we'll be the right age in just a few months- why not give us a shot!" they concluded.

"Seriously, am I the only one who noticed that he was talking about a death toll?" Zelda asked. "The point isn't age- it's being a senior!"

"Oh, what, you don't think we know enough now?" Kirby asked, acting offended.

"You wound us, Ms. Hyrule," Meta added, stroking his twin's back as Kirby pretended to sob into his shoulder.

"Besides, a thousand gold coins in prize money- I'd think that'd be worth a bit of risk," Link added, joining the debate on his brothers' side as they turned and began ascending the stairs.

"I just want to know who this 'impartial fourth party' is supposed to be," Mario considered. "Knowing our luck, that 'fourth' party stuff is supposed to be a clue that it's that winnicott, Gamer4..."

"That wouldn't be too bad," Kirby and Meta shrugged. "I mean, whoever that 'fourth party' is, their the ones we have to fool."

"The way it seems, the judge is just going to pick the best from each school, regardless of age," Kirby continued.

"So the Master Hand is just trying to stop us from submitting names to begin with!" Meta affirmed.

"And who would be easier to fool than Gamer4!" they chorused, prompting the author to rage quit.

"People have died!" Zelda interjected. "For crying out loud, am I the only one who understands this? People! Died! As in, death! Game over! No coming back!"

"Yeah, but that was years and years ago," Kirby waved off.

"Besides, where would the fun be if they were holding our hands start to finish?" Meta agreed.

"So, what of it, Mario?" Kirby added, turning to said pyromancer. "Link's on board- if we find out a way to cheat the system, you feel like throwing your name in?"

"Not sure," Mario shrugged. "I mean, sounds kind of interesting, but definitely something I'd have to think through- I mean, a few things to consider. I mean, they don't want you guys in, and you're juniors. I'm only halfway through my school career- hard telling if I've learned enough."

"Well, you can keep those games to yourself," came a new voice, and they turned to see Luigi following them up the stairs. "It sounds great and all, but I think I'll just watch, thanks."

Finally, the group arrived in front of the picture of a tall woman in a teal dress that guarded the Nintendo hub. "Password?" she asked, gazing down at them through the eye not covered by her blond hair.

"The crow caws at midnight," Link whispered to her, eyes raking back and forth shiftily.

The woman's eye closed halfway. "And the horn blows then, too, but that doesn't change that I need the password now."

"Stargate," Kirby put in. Rosalina nodded and swung forward, allowing them entry. In response to the surprised gazes from everyone else, Kirby simply shrugged and said, "A prefect told me."

As they entered the hub, they saw that not many people were choosing to linger there- most were just heading right up to their dorms. Zelda was the first to follow suit, casting a furious gaze around the room before heading up the stairs to the girls' dorms. Mario and Link shrugged at each other before heading up the stairs to the boys'.

They were the first ones up- neither Ness, Diddy, or Luigi had arrived as of yet, leaving them to casually lean back in their beds. Mario felt very relaxed- truth be told, he loved listening to the sound of rain on the roof. There was something comforting in it, though, if asked why, he thought he'd be unable to explain it.

"So, any last thoughts?" Link asked from his bed. "On the games, I mean. It would be kind of cool to enter, wouldn't it?"

Mario's imagination, unbidden, went into overdrive, imagining a scene where he really _had _won the games, with the whole school cheering, with Pauline Dama standing out in particular, highlighted amongst everyone else...

Intent on not revealing his inner thoughts, he simply said, deadpan as he could manage, "The name's still stupid, though."

_XXXX_

Oh, boy, just getting into all the yoshi-stuff, and I have the feeling I already offended quite a few people... I just want to let it be known here, real quick, that any views expressed in the course of that arc are not meant to imitate any real-life views of mine. This story isn't meant to start something or offend anyone- it's all just meant to be in good fun.

That said, I'm guessing a few people are already confused about where I'm going with Simon's characterization. Hopefully, things will become a little more clear in the next chapter, which, after all, will be more of an actual introduction than the little blurb he got here. In the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.


	15. Simon Belmont

Gamer4 in. Hey, peoples, how's it going? Pretty good over here- got together with my family and went to see Antman for my birthday- fantastic, as one would expect of Marvel. It got me thinking- isn't Erza Scarlett's backstory from Fairy Tail _incredibly _similar to that of Jean Valjean from Les Miserables? Hmmm... time to go write a Fairy Tail fanfiction setting the story of Les Miserables in the world of said fandom! Jellal, of course, will be inspector Javert... But wait! On the other hand... that would take a lot of work... whatever, we'll put that one on the shelf for a while. In the meantime, since I can't sleep tonight, (lost my sleeping medication... darn...) have another chapter!

Disclaimer: See the wise but wicked ones who feed upon life's sacred fire. See the soldier with his gun who must be dead to be admired.

Chapter XIII

Simon Belmont

To Mario's great relief, the storm had ended by the time they all awoke the next morning- though to say everything was a bright, bright, bright, (bright,) sunshiny day would be reckless exaggeration- in fact, we'd call it gloomy, but we don't want to depress Juvia anymore than she already is, or make any more obscure references in this paragraph, so we'll just move along.

Mario and Link managed to beat Zelda down to the Dining Hall by quite a bit, snatching some seats near to Kirby, Meta, and their friend, Teddy Ellay, who, sure enough, were already discussing ways to cheat whatever judge would be deciding the schools' champions for the Console Games. Not long after they sat down, Samus came by and handed them their schedules for the year, along with Zelda's, to be handed over once said sorceress decided to put in an appearance.

"Well, outside all morning, for what it's worth," Link noted. "Not sure if that's good or bad, today." As he spoke, he glanced out at the highly overcast weather.

"Hey, in some places, this weather could be considered nice and sunny," Mario pointed out. Prompting the author to point out that he himself lived in such a place. Prompting Mario to respond: "Only one thing to say to that-" Whereupon Link joined in- "Haha!" In the style of that one kid from the Simpsons.

"What are you two so happy about?" came a dejected voice from nearby- they turned to see Kirby and Meta had scooted along the table, sitting much closer to them than before.

"Oh, just verbally abusing the author," Mario shrugged. "It's pretty cathartic, you should try it sometime."

"Maybe," the twins agreed in unison. "But not now. Right now, everything's so sad..."

Mario blinked. He strongly suspected those two were building up to something, but he didn't know what- harmless, hopefully. Deciding to play along for the moment, he cautiously asked, "And what's so sad about today?"

"Summer's over!" Kirby moaned.

"Yeah, it was just so short!" Meta agreed. "I mean, I mean, it's like... it's like..."

Abruptly, Teddy leapt in with a guitar, and began singing. "There's a hundred and four days of Summer Vacation, and school comes along just to end it!"

"Yeah!" Kirby agreed, nodding. "So the annual problem for our generation is finding a good way to spend it!"

"Like maybe," Meta put in thoughtfully.

And they all burst into song- "Building some joke items, watching the Grand Prix, or climbing up old Ordon Cottage!"

Mario cleared his throat to interrupt them. "Yeah, as much as I love your singing, guys, continue and I will be forced to execute you right here, right now."

"What, don't you like that show?" Kirby and Meta asked, blinking rapidly as halos appeared over their heads.

Mario grunted, but before he could answer, he was interrupted by someone tearing by, calling out, "Hey, guys! Bye, guys!"

Before he could even turn around to see who it was, he was distracted again, this time by Zelda's voice. "GET BACK HERE!" she was shouting, attempting to run by. It seemed she'd been running for a while, though- she slowed down as she approached them, and eventually collapsed into a nearby seat, putting her head down on the table as she panted. Looking back around, Mario was finally able to capture a glimpse of the red hair and blue outfit of the ghost Zelda had been pursuing.

"So, Zelda, you got a beef with Jon all of a sudden?" he asked, turning to her. Indeed, she had been pursuing Proton Jon, the ghost of one of the Smash Bros.'s founders, specifically, the founder of Sierra. Yeah, we know, we mentioned Mario didn't care for people tied to Sierra, but Jon was actually an exception, having saved his life with a timely intervention a couple years back. As far as he knew, he'd related this story to Zelda, and was thus unable to understand why she'd be so desperate to catch him.

"He was... one of the people... to found this mansion..." Zelda gasped out. "Which means... he must have approved... the use of yoshi... slavery."

"Uh-huh," Mario grunted. "And how did you plan on punishing him? He's a ghost."

"Not punish," Zelda shook her head listlessly. "Just wanted to... find out why... he'd do such a thing."

Mario shook his head slightly and returned to reading his schedule, as he'd been doing before getting sidetracked. "So, outside all morning, and then- ah, smeg," he muttered, facepalming as he glanced at the afternoon. "An hour and a half of psychic powers."

"Not a fan of psychic powers?" Kirby asked.

"Well, not only is the class total bubkiss," Link explained, "but Lucario- you guys know Lucario? He's got this habit of predicting Mario's death, like, five times a day."

"Could have given it up," Zelda pointed out, drawing their attention to where she was grabbing some breakfast to herself. "Plenty of non-BS classes available- calculus, music appreciation, cryptid recognition, fencing, anti-physics..."

"Yeah, I could go for a fencing class," Link shrugged. "You know, you never really have the measure of someone until you've crossed swords with them. Better window to someone's soul than their eyes."

"So, you're saying you might find a Sierra you liked, if they were good enough with a sword?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Maybe," Link shrugged. "But that would have to be one great freaking swordsman- and I'm talking, like, they'd have to be better than the Bride from Kill Bill with that sword."

XXXX

Meanwhile, across the room, at Sierra's table, a blue-haired girl with a sword tucked in her belt let out a loud sneeze. A friend of hers- a young woman in a robe with long, white hair, with her omnipresent book at her side, looked over at her in concern. "You alright there, Lucina?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Lucina shrugged. "Have you ever heard that sneezing means someone's talking about you?"

"I think I've heard that, yeah," her friend nodded.

"Well, I've never believed it before, but now..."

XXXX

"Anyways!" Link clapped his hands together, desperate to change the subject. "Hey, Zelda, I notice you're eating again!"

Mario glanced over- sure enough, Zelda had a tower of toast, a basin of cereal, a swimming pool's worth of orange juice that she was digging into rapidly.

"Well, after a long time of consideration," Zelda explained, "I decided that there are better ways to protest for yoshi's rights than starving myself."

"Uh-huh," Link nodded with a smirk crossing his face. "You know, I think I heard someone say once that the greatest shifter of ideologies is an empty stomach?"

Zelda looked up at him with a glare, but a fight was prevented as a rustling sound filled the hall and everyone looked up to see the customary flood of albatrosses filling the ceiling. Mario glanced around- he could see one dropping a package off in front of Luigi- probably something he'd forgotten, getting sent ahead by his grandma. A table or so down the line, Pauline was opening a package of her own. Mario allowed a smile to cross his face as he saw her face begin to glow at whatever was in it. This smile disappeared as his attention was drawn to the Sierra table, where Bowser was opening up his usual jubilee of candies and sweets from home.

XXXX

"Oh, hey, mail!" Lucina noted, glancing up at the ceiling as the albatrosses flooded in. "Let's see- nope, nothing from home, doesn't look like. How about you, Robin?"

She looked over at the young woman from before, only to see her replaced by a young man, who looked much the same, just a little more masculine, with shorter hair, and so forth, but still with his customary book at his side. "Nope, nothing for me, either," he said.

Lucina blinked, then sighed. "You know, Robin, I support you, and all, but do you think you could pick a gender and stick with it for one freaking day?"

"Sorry," Robin replied sheepishly, scratching the back of her- er, I mean, his- head.

XXXX

Mario sighed as he continued scanning the swarm. No Parakarry. Looking at Link, he wondered out loud, "Do you think something's gone wrong? With Parakarry, I mean. And what about Strider? Can we be sure something hasn't happened to him?"

"Oh, Mario, relax, you worry too much!" Link objected, helping himself to a muffin. "What trouble could he possibly be getting into?"

XXXX

Roy sat in a dark, well-furnished room, across from a large black man, dressed entirely in leather in sunglasses. "Have you ever had a dream, Roy, that you were so sure was real?" the other man was asking. "What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you tell the difference between the dream world, and the real one?"

"Umm... not sure... I only came to this city because someone said they saw someone who looked like Mumkhar here," Roy replied. "For that matter- where the heck are we? I don't remember how I-"

"I'm offering you a choice," the man interrupted. He raised his hands, both in fists. Slowly and dramatically, he opened up the left, revealing a blue pill of some sort. "Take the blue pill, and you wake up tomorrow, all this will be like a dream, and you believe whatever you want to believe. Take the red pill-" whereupon he opened his right hand, revealing said item, "and you stay in wonderland. I'll show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes."

"Um... is there a green pill or something that will help me remember how I got here?" Roy asked, eyebrows raising further and further.

XXXX

The gloom of the day continued as Mario and co. ventured out into the grounds for the first class of the year- Smashing Flora. This went for the weather on the outside, as well as the weather of Mario's soul- despite Link's assurance, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong- until the idea was forcibly jolted out of him upon seeing the hideous, jellyfish-like plants they would apparently be dealing with that day.

"What...the heck... are these?" he asked.

"Toxiecaps!" explained Daisy, the teacher of Smashing Flora, as well as head of Hal. "Imported them from Greece! Very dangerous, but very valuable! Thought I'd wake you all up today- I want you to collect the poison from them, and put them in those bottles!" As she spoke, she gestured at a large rack of bottles behind her.

"And why would we want to collect poison from these things?" Diddy asked, eying one of the toxiecaps apprehensively.

"Because it can be distilled into healing power-ups," Daisy explained once more. "Don't worry, it's only lethal if ingested- though I still wouldn't recommend rubbing on yourself. Doesn't exactly agree with skin, if you know what I mean."

"Is that how you got your third eye?" asked a nearby Hal, raising several eyebrows.

Daisy opened and closed her mouth for a bit, rubbing self-consciously at the back of her head. "That has nothing to do with you!" she objected. "Five points from Hal!" Shaking her head, she continued. "Anyways, yeah, grab the bottles, fill them with toxiecap toxin, rinse, repeat. Get going."

Ness began to bob his head to an invisible beat as he and Diddy got to work next to Mario and his crew. "The toxiecap toxin- is the toxin- for you and me," he sang. "The toxiecap toxin, is the toxin that will heal thee."

"Painful rhyme," Mario noted, adjusting his gloves for maximum hand coverage as he prepared to go to work. "So, buddy, how was your time in your own story?"

"Oh, Live Alive?" Ness asked. "Pretty decent, I suppose. Getting to meet some cool people, but then we got caught up with this one whackjob- some blue-haired gal named Raven, or something..."

Mario dropped the bottle he'd been holding, along with his jaw. "Wait, say that again."

"What, a whackjob named Raven?"

"No way... no way, no way, no way!"

"What?"

"You actually got to meet _Raven?!_" Mario exclaimed, turning on him and drawing Link, Zelda, and Diddy's attention. "As in, Raven _Roth? _Blue hair, blue robes?"

"Yeah, that's her," Ness agreed. "Why?"

"Yeah, haven't seen you this excited since you saw that one muggle back at the campsite," Link recalled.

"Are you kidding me? Kyon may be the _King _of all straight men, but Raven is the freaking _Queen!_"

"Well, sorry to tell you, brah, but she's kind of gone off the deep end," Ness shook his head. "I mean, she's been-"

"I don't care if she's gone off the edge of the freaking _world!_" Mario exclaimed. "She could say she's secretly Fluttershy from My Little freaking _Pony, _I expect you to treat her with the respect she deserves as the Queen of all straight men!"

"Okay, man, okay!" Ness kept his hands up in surrender. "Just stop looking at me like that!"

Breath heaving, Mario turned back to his toxiecap. "So... what were we doing?"

Ness nervously turned back to his toxiecap, quietly singing to himself: "The toxiecap toxin, is the toxin, for you and me. The toxiecap toxin, is the toxin,..."

Eventually, the class had gathered enough poison that Daisy was satisfied. Say that out of context, see how people react. This was the cue for Mario, Link, and Zelda to gather together and head back across the grounds to Crazy's house for Smashing Creatures.

As they approached, Link groaned. "Ah, guess who we've got this class with," he muttered. Putting on a singsong voice, he elaborated- "Dragmire Evil Incorporated!"

Mario was on the point of chewing him out for this reference before he looked over and shared in Link's pain as, sure enough, the backs of Bowser Dragmire, Ganondorf, and Wario came into view. They made a specific point to avoid those three as they approached the front of Crazy's cabin, where the hand was floating as serenely as possible. Grinning mischievously at Mario, Link approached the hand and spoke in a singsong voice. "Hey, Crazy! Watcha doin'?"

Oblivious to Mario's frothing at the mouth, Crazy turned his attention to them. "Oh, it be you tree! Ah, me just been waitin' for all da students come on down- we got great tings goin' on dis years! Da Console Games got _nuttin' _on what we be doin here!"

"What are these, Crazy?" asked Ilia, another Nintendo girl, approaching a set of crates nearby.

"Dose be what we workin on fur da years!" Crazy explained.

Ilia took a look inside, then rapidly retreated, actions that became much more understandable when Mario approached and peered in for himself.

Within the crates were myriad strange creatures- they resembled strange crosses of various different animals. Taking one as an example, the central body seemed to resemble a hairless dog, up to the very dog-like head- which resembled a hellhound more than anything. Even the pointed ears put Mario somewhat in mind of demons. The eyes being completely yellow, whites, irises, and pupils, didn't exactly help this image. Or rather, it did, and that was the problem. From its shoulders stretched wings like a bat, and the tail, which was long enough to wrap around the rest of the body, was like that of a scorpion. The only thing that Mario felt detracted from the 'frightening' image was, A), they were still very small and young, which didn't help when considering how bad they were now, and what they would be when they grew up, and B), the baby ducks that sat on their head. What purpose they could serve, Mario couldn't fathom, but even with those ducklings, he _really _didn't blame Ilia for her hasty retreat.*

"Um... Crazy... what the heck _are _these things?" Mario asked uncertainly.

"Well, Foxies be teachin' you 'bout chimaeras last year, right?"

"I _do _recall something like that," Mario agreed.

"Dese be da _Ultimate _Chimaeras!" Crazy announced proudly. "Mez just be gettin dem in, less dan a month 'go, so we be raisin' dem dis year! Class project!"

"And why would we wanna do that, dog?" came a snide, pitiful gangster-imitation voice, causing Mario to close his eyes as he turned to see Bowser approaching. "What's the point of them?"

"Ah, what be da point of any animal?" Crazy waved this question aside. "We not here ta talk philosophy, we here find out what dese little guys liketa eat! Me gotsa whole buffet ta try out- me never knows dese critters before, workin' offa scratch here."

Seeing the 'food' they'd be attempting to feed to these creatures, and after getting a glimpse of the 'Ultimate Chimaeras' for himself, Diddy seemed to be in a very bad mood. "And suddenly, I'm missing the toxiecaps," he muttered.

Mario found himself gazing jealously at Ness as they began work- his skill with psychic powers meant he neither had to touch the various dead things they were trying to feed these monstrosities, nor get too close to the monstrosities in question, who had mouths almost bigger than their actual bodies.

"That moron's really gone off the deep end now," Bowser grumbled as he struggled to get some food to one of the baby chimaera's mouths without getting his hand bitten off. "Why anyone would be dumb enough to want one of these to begin with..."

"And just because they're not pretty, they're completely useless, right, Bowser?" Zelda spoke up. "Just like Rayquazas, whose blood makes up half the medicine that lets us live as long as we do, but we definitely wouldn't want to keep as a pet?"

Which Link covertly remembered for the trip back to the mansion after the lesson. As they climbed up, Mario threw a doubtful glance back at their friend's cabin. "Well, at least they're small."

"For now," Zelda shook her head. "Knowing Crazy, those things will be the size of a house by the end of the year."

"Hey, no skin off our backs," Link interjected with another mischievous grin. "I mean, there's no doubt that they'll somehow be used to cure cancer or something, right?"

"Shove it," Zelda grumbled irritably. "I just wanted him to shut up- if anything, he's right. We need to send those things back where they came from before Crazy gets too attached to them."

"Why don't you tell him that, then?" Link suggested. "Just walk up to him and say..."

Mario joined in, providing the background music as Link sang out, "Put those things back where they came from or so help me, so help me, so help me... and cut!"

Zelda stared at them in exasperation for a moment. Finally, she simply said, "Yeah, whatever," before turning back to the mansion.

Not being nearly as hungry as he'd been the night before, Link took a much more dignified approach to eating than he had previously, actually taking the time to taste his food- or, indeed, take note of what, exactly, he was putting in his mouth. Mario was relieved to see this, until he turned around and saw the slack being picked up by Zelda, who was openly inhaling her food as though she hadn't eaten in a week. "Um... Zelda? Got a problem there?"

"Hm? What makes you say that?"

"Well, the only two people I've seen eat that fast before are Maya and Link- and last I checked, you aren't either. Weren't you getting on Link's case a while back for eating too fast? Or was that someone else?"

"No, that was me," Zelda shook her head.

"Then... what?" Link joined in. "Is this your new stand on yoshi rights? Instead of going anorexic, you're going to go bulemic?"** He said this with a genuine note of concern in his voice.

"No, nothing like that," Zelda assured them. "I just really need to get to the library."

"You need to get to the _what?!_" Link exclaimed. "_Why?! _What could you _possibly _need from the library? It's our first day- we've been with you all morning, we _know _you don't have any homework yet!"

Zelda gave a dismissive shrug, before continuing to eat as though it were her last meal. After getting her fill, she gave a quick, "Bye!" before rushing out of the Dining Hall, leaving two very confused boys in her wake.

After lunch, Mario and Link began the long ascent through the mansion to the attic for their psychic powers class.

The classroom was exactly as Mario remembered it when they arrived- short tables surrounded by beanbags for the students, with the only genuine chair sitting at the head of the class for the teacher. Mario and Link casually grabbed a couple beanbags next to the same table and began the wait for Lucario, the teacher.

And, eventually, he came. _Good afternoon, class. _They didn't hear the voice- rather, they felt it inside their very brains. Which, of course, they were used to by this point. The class turned to the head of the room, where a dog-like pokemon appeared, anthropomorphized, given glowing eyes, spikes from the back of his paws/hands, and with a purple aura surrounding said hands.

Lucario floated around the class, greeting each student individually. When he arrived at Mario, he closed his eyes. _You are preoccupied, _he thought. _You are gnawed at by a nameless, faceless fear. And not, I am afraid, without reason- he that you fear is coming, drawing ever closer..._

Mario introduced his face to his desk, but only after Lucario had turned and moved on. He was doing his best to ignore Link sniggering across from him. Freaking Lucario, man.

The pokemon eventually returned to the head of the class, and began thinking out loud once more. _This year, we turn our gazes to the outer planets, and the effects they have on those gifted with psychic abilities. I speak not only of our own solar system, but the realms beyond- of Xen, and Miltia, and Yuggoth, for only through understanding of what lies at the outermost spheres of our consciousness can we truly begin to understand what lies beneath our very souls..._

Mario tuned it out. He'd heard plenty of Lucario's mumbo-jumbo the previous year, it was all pretty much the same. If he had a red coin for every time that freaking aura pokemon had predicted his demise... _The one you fear draws close, indeed..._

It was like Zelda said. In general, the best way to tell if Lucario was yanking your chain was to see if his lips were moving- well, actually, he communicated via thought, so that doesn't really apply here... hmmm... well, you know what I mean. Heck, it wasn't like he was fearing anything at the moment anyways.

XXXX

"And that's five million times!" the Slender Man cheered as he finally finished the song's final iteration. "Wow, that was a lot. But now I can be a main character in this story, right? Hold on, Mario, I'm coming!" With that, he set off out of the forest, making his way to the Smash Mansion.

XXXX

The bottom line, Mario thought, was that he simply didn't consider Lucario to really have anywhere near the power he claimed to.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. There was that time, last year, where Lucario had predicted something that had, indeed, come to pass that very night... when Mumkhar escaped, and set out, no doubt, to return to his wretched master...

"Mario!" came Link's voice, at a quiet hiss.

"Oh, what?" Mario asked, perking up and looking around. Everyone was staring at him- you gotta love those moments in school when you get woken up, and everyone's staring at you like you're the school's newest pariah.

_I was saying, my boy, that you were clearly born under the influence of Xen! _Lucario exclaimed, glaring at him for falling asleep during his lecture. _All the signs are present- all the misfortunes you have been made to go through, your dark hair, your pronounced lip warmer... all that is missing is a beard and a pair of glasses! It is enough for me to confidently say that you were born halfway through February-_

"Yeah, try again, it was July," Mario shook his head, earning a whoop of laughter from Link.

And so it came to be that Lucario set them up working on charts calculating the exact position that all the known planets were in at the exact moment of their birth. If that sounds interesting... it isn't. If it sounds boring and tedious... it's much more boring and tedious than it sounds.

"Oh dear, maths," Mario grumbled as he fooled around with a protractor. "What the- what the heck is this?"

"Whatcha got?" Link asked, leaning over.

"This can't _possibly _be right," Mario grumbled, glaring at his papers enough to burn a hole in them- a very realistic concern, given his powers. "Not unless Phaaze cloned itself specially for my birth."

"Well, makes sense to me," Link shrugged.

"How? _How _does that make one _iota _of sense?"

"I always thought bringing you into the world would be a multiple-phase project," Link grinned. Mario stared at him for a minute, blood pouring out of his ear.

"Just a second," he said, standing. "I need to go get a paper towel to mop up my melting brain."

A while later, Mario's attention was drawn by Ilia calling out, "Oh, Lucario! This planet- I don't think I've seen it anywhere before! What is it?"

Lucario floated over. _That, child, is the little-known planet of Fobanus. _

Link, on a roll with the planet puns today, was quick to call out, "Wow, Lucario, you really need to be talking like that to a kid?"

Lucario, however, wasn't as ready to take this as Mario was. Link's comment earned the whole class a helping of homework for the week- _You shall predict events that will occur to you this month, describe how the planets factor into them, and hand it in next class! No excuses!_

Mario had never thought that Lucario could sound like a drill sergeant before, but hey, learn something new every day.

XXXX

Link was still grumbling about this assignment when they headed out into the hall and began descending the stairs for dinner. "Freaking pokemon," he muttered. "That'll take all week..."

"Lots of homework?" Zelda said brightly as she approached. "Hmm, funny, I didn't get any from my class!"

Link let out a long, slow, loud clap. "Well, the prodigal daughter returns!" he exclaimed irritably.

"Don't mind him," Mario shook his head. "Let's just get down to dinner..."

They were on the point of crossing the foyer when a loud voice made itself heard. "Yo, Faron! Faron! Faron! Yo, Faron!"

All three of them closed their eyes as they turned to see Bowser and his crew standing at the entrance to the dungeons, grinning over at them. "Never thought you'd wish for the Annoying Orange, did you?" Mario grumbled with his eyes closed.

"Yeah, go figure," Link growled.

Bowser and co. made their way over. "So, Faron, did ya know your Dad got into the news?"

"Wait- he did?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, yeah, listen to this," Bowser grinned, producing an issue of the _Fourside Tribune _and beginning to read.

**Galling Gaffes of our Good Government**

Mario closed his eyes in preparation. _Well, that title is a great start, fills me with confidence, _he thought to himself, fingering his _Avoid Annoying Alliteration _badge.

As though the Government of Smashing had not embarrassed itself enough at the Smash-Up Grand Prix, _writes Glados, proud Fourside Tribune reporter, _they wasted no time in digging themselves a further hole on the morning of September the first. For the ultimate evidence of the lack of ability inherent in those we entrust our daily security to, look no further than Richard Faron, of the Muggle Protection office.

"Hear that, Faron?" Bowser called out goadingly. "'Richard' Faron? Your Daddy's so down low on the ladder they can't even bother getting his name right!"

If Richard hadn't embarrassed himself enough two years prior, when he was found in possession of an illegal flying blue phone box, inspired by a television program of dubious quality, he certainly proved his ineptitude yesterday, when he engaged in a struggle with several muggle policemen, who had arrived at the home of one Simon Belmont. Simon Belmont is a smasher long known to have crossed the bounds of insanity, and would sooner whip one to death than see if his fears were founded in the first place. For reference, he once attacked a pizza man, delivering a pizza that he himself ordered. Shockingly, the alarm raised by Mr. Belmont was a false one, as no hunters called to the scene were able to detect the slightest trace of sulfur left by Mr. Belmont's imaginary 'Demonic sons of b****es.' A great deal of memory alteration on muggles later, the fiasco was cleared up, but the question on everyone's minds is why Mr. Faron felt it so necessary to involve the Government in such a scene in the first place.

Enclosed is a picture of Mr. Faron and his family. His wife looks great. Very healthy.

"Check the picture," Bowser grinned. "Dang, homy, yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she _actually _sits around the house! Hey, Mario," he added as an after thought, glancing over at said pyromancer, who was in the middle of uniting with Zelda to restrain Link. "I hear that cameras sometimes add a bit of weight, so I have to ask- is she actually that fat, or is it the camera?"

"Shove it, Bowser," Mario grimaced. "Besides, someone with your mother has no room to be talking- that smell around her- did she just come out of a dumpster, or does she always smell like that?"

"Whatchoo gettin' at, homy?" Bowser asked, eyes narrowing.

"I'm saying, your father is a hamster, and your mother reeks of elderberries," Mario shot back. "Come on, Link, we're off."

He, Link, and Zelda turned towards the Dining Hall, only to be distracted by two cracking noises in quick succession. Accompanying said cracks was a shout. "Nice try, buddy, but not today!"

Everyone spun around to see a very odd scene. Simon Belmont was just coming down the stairs, and was in the middle of coiling his whip once more. Across from him were Ganondorf and Wario, looking extremely frightened, but Bowser was nowhere to be seen. In his place was...

"A platypus," Mario deadpanned. "What am I seeing here?"

"What you're seeing here," Simon said, turning his normal eye on Mario, while his yellow eye continued to roam, "is a bit of good old-fashioned punishment. You see this? I'm amazing."

As he said this, he let loose with his whip again, not even looking as the whip cracked across the hall and forced Ganondorf back- the green-skinned man had been making movements towards his platypus-ified leader.

Glancing back at Mario, Simon gave the smallest of smiles. "I'm Batman."

Mario gave a half-smile back. "Yeah. You're Batman."

Simon then turned his full attention on Bowser the platypus, who made a strange gurgling noise before turning and beginning to make his way towards the dungeons- where Wolf O'Donnell awaited.

"Oh, you think it's that easy, huh?" Simon growled, lashing out with the whip, scaring Bowser from going any further in that direction. "Uh-uh, not with me here! Attacking people when they're back is turned- I've known a lot of demonic sons of b****es in my time, but they at least had the courtesy to fight me man-to-man!" He let loose with the whip, smacking Bowser again, and again, and again. He seemed to be holding back somewhat, but it was still clearly pretty painful. "When I set out, all those years ago, you think I was setting out to save the world for people like _you? _Never do that again!"

"Simon!" came a shout from nearby. Everyone turned to see Samus running down the stairs, a look of shock on her face.

"Oh, Samus," Simon glanced at her. "Taking some time out from your schedule building that iron suit to talk to me? I'm flattered."***

Samus glared at him. "Okay, first, gold-titanium alloy," she grudgingly conceded that point, "but also, why are you whipping a platypus? What is the possible reason?"

"I'm a teacher, aren't I? I'm teaching!"

"Tea- _is that a student?!_"

"Well, at the moment, he's a platypus."

Samus, a look of horror on her face, whipped out her gun and fired it at the platypus, channeling some of her power into the blast. Rather than causing more harm to Bowser, it returned him to his previous humanoid-turtle form. This done, Samus reached out and caught the whip around her wrist, yanking it from Simon with surprising ease. "Simon," she glared, "we do not transform or beat our students. I refuse to believe that the Master Hand didn't tell you that."

Eyes firmly on Samus's gun, which was aimed directly between his eyes, Simon, not showing any trace of fear besides that, replied, "Well, he may have said something about that, yeah. But that little runt thought he was perpetrating the perfect crime- thought I'd dish out the perfect punishment in return-"

"Doesn't matter," Samus shook her head. "That's what detentions are for- or, if you feel it's particularly bad, talk to the head of their group. I don't want to see anything like this happening again, got it?"

"Of course, ma'am," Simon shrugged. Samus threw one last glare, shoving his whip back at him before turning towards the Dining Hall. Simon turned on Bowser.

"So, you're from Sierra? That would make the head of your group Wolf O'Donnell, wouldn't it? Old friend of mine, I've been looking for an excuse to talk to him..." With that, he walked by, casually reaching out and grabbing Bowser by the horn as he passed. Bowser, still dazed from two sudden transformations and the accompanying flogging, offered no resistance.

XXXX

"Don't talk to me," Link said as the group sat down at the Nintendo table for supper.

"Why not?" Zelda asked, surprised. "You're not still mad about the homework thing, are you?"

"No," Link shook his head. "I just want to engrave that scene into my memory and make sure I never forget it. Bowser Dragmire, the amazing platypus man!" Beginning to strum an invisible guitar, he sang quietly, "He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action..." Quickly, he stopped himself and turned to face Mario. "Oh, right, you're not a fan."

"Meh, that show's starting to grow on me, actually," Mario grinned back.

Zelda laughed, but seemed more subdued as she began piling food onto her plate. "But still... Simon could have done some serious injury... it's actually kind of good that Samus stepped in when she did..."

"Oh, Zelda, stop injecting logic into it!" Link objected. "You're gonna ruin this for me!"

Zelda scoffed, then began to eat- at top speed. "Don't tell me," Mario asked. "Back to the freaking library?"

Zelda nodded, causing Link to stare at her in exasperation. "_Why? _You told us you don't have any homework!"

"It's not homework," Zelda shook her head. Less than a minute later, she'd wiped her plate sparkling clean and was gone so fast she might have teleported. A moment later, her place was taken by Kirby, Meta Knight, and Teddy. Yes. All three students, one seat.

"Wow, that was amazing," Kirby exclaimed as he began helping himself to some dinner.

"Freaking awesome!" Meta cheered in agreement.

"Super cool," Teddy nodded his confirmation.

"What is it?" Link asked.

"Simon!" all three agreed.

"That guy knows, man," Kirby nodded.

"He's the real deal," Teddy agreed.

"A true, blood-born hunter," Meta affirmed.

"This guy... he's just seen everything, and he knows how to deal with it- I take back everything I said about him before- I can really see how he was one of the Master Hand's MVPs back in the war against You-Know-Who," Kirby wrapped up.

Mario and Link glanced at each other, then, as one, dove for their schedules. Link let out a disappointed groan. "Oh, come on, a morning of Toxiecaps and Ultimate Chimaeras, an afternoon with Lucario, and we don't get _this _guy until freaking _Thursday?!_" Link grumbled.

_XXXX_

*I actually find the Ultimate Chimaera's in-game sprite to be _adorable, _so I went surfing deviantart for inspiration. This description was modeled after Ultra-Raptor's picture, _Ultimate Chimera. _

** Once again, no offense to anybody- I actually have a friend suffering from anorexia as we speak, I know it's no laughing matter. Hence why Link wasn't exactly joking here either.

*** If you've been spotting a great deal of Iron-Man related shout-outs tied to Samus lately, that's due to Spidershadow5's story, _Iron Woman, _a story taking the events of Iron Man and applying them to Super Smash Bros., much in the vein of this story! It's a pretty good (Ocelot gesture) story, at that, so, if you're a fan of this story, video games, and/or the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I highly encourage you to go check it out!

Alright, I'm guessing you guys are wondering what my stance is on _Phineas and Ferb _after this chapter. Truth be told, I've only actually seen a few episodes with my own eyes. Most of my exposure comes to it comes second-hand via my sister, Stormwish, but from my limited knowledge- it's a decent show, and one that seems to become more and more of a self-parody as it goes on. I mean, it's no masterpiece, but, for what it has to be, it's better than a lot of other stuff that's on nowadays.

Anyways, sorry for the wait, once again. I'm actually suffering from insomnia lately, and despite what a lot of popular magazines will try to feed you, nights of sleeplessness is _not _exactly conducive to creative efforts. However, things are really picking up now- the story's update schedule will hopefully follow suit, because despite this chapter being named for him, Simon's _real _proper introduction seems like it will have to wait until the next proper chapter.

And I do say proper chapter- next chapter is a random quicky, one introducing a new idea that you guys will either love or hate, hopefully love. Not anything drastically changing the story's direction, but it'll... it'll be something. Believe it or not, there's some set-up for it in this very chapter. Hope to see you guys next week, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	16. Random Quicky: Who am I this Time?

Gamer4 in, and hooray for more sleepless nights! Ugh... freaking insomnia. Hey, guys, if I develop a split personality and start up a club for people to beat the smeg out of each other, do me a favor and stop me before I start trying to tear civilization as we know it to the ground, alright? That said, it's time for me to explain myself once more (assuming my tiredness allows me to type properly.) About a week or two ago, I was watching one of my all-time favorite movies, when I got the inspiration (which, as my long-time readers would know, is my tendency) to convert it into a fanfiction, novelizing it in a separate fandom! I just really wanted to do it, but then the question arose- which fandom to use? I was batting ideas around for a while, from Warriors, to Evangelion, and, believe it or not, I was all set to go with Fairy Tail, until suddenly, I got an idea- I knew what I must do. It will be set... within the world of this very series. While all will become clear by this chapter's end, a little more explanation before we begin. My original intention was to have it as a series of random quickies, but I thought that would break up the flow of the story a little _too _much, so instead, this chapter will serve as the set-up for a spin-off story involving these characters acting said film out, as well as that story's prologue. In this fashion, if you want to read it, it will be there, but if you're simply not interested, it will be nice and separate from the main series, with only this chapter and a few references later on alluding to it. That said, let's end these monstrous notes and get started! (Oh, the movie I was watching? You'll see...)

Disclaimer: See the man who tips the needle, see the man who buys and sells, see the man who puts the collar on the ones who dare not tell.

Random Quicky

Who am I this Time?

Mario, Link, Kirby, and Meta Knight all sat at the Nintendo table in the Dining Hall. Link was just concluding one conversation with, "Oh, come on, a morning of toxiecaps and ultimate chimaeras, an afternoon with Lucario, and we don't get _this _guy until freaking _Thursday?"_

"Well, what can I say, bro? Sometimes, life just ain't fair," Kirby shook his head.

"Yeah, and why is it whenever someone's saying that, they happen to be the ones life's being unfair in favor of?" Link grumbled.

The conversation was interrupted with the arrival of a pair of yellow-furred mouse pokemon. Do pokemon have fur? Any pokemon afficionados out there want to set my facts straight here? Well, whatever. "Hey, guys, how's it going?" Pichu asked, a wide grin on his face, as there was wont to be whenever he was in a conversation involving his red-hatted idol.

"Pretty well, how about you?" Mario asked cautiously.

"Oh, it's awesome! We've actually got some messages for all you guys!"

"All of us?" Link asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yep, you, Mario, Kirby, and Meta!"

"Wow, even us? Always glad to be included!" the twins chanted.

"And one for Zelda too- where is she, by the way? I thought she always hangs out with you two!" Plusle put in, looking around for the blond sorceress. "Big bro said you guys are the strongest group in the whole school! Can't see one without the other two being nearby!"

"Well, usually," Mario shrugged, not noticing Link turning a violent shade of red at these words, "but right now, she's up in the library. Not even we know why."

"Who sent these messages?" Kirby asked. "Kind of strange, isn't it?"

"Yeah, why didn't they send it in the morning, along with the albatrosses?" Meta agreed.

"We can't say!" Pichu said brightly. "He said to give it to you anonymously! Not sure why he didn't send them with the albatrosses, though..."

"Did I hear there's a mystery around?" asked a new voice, as Pit rose from the ground.

"Whoah, Pit, what the heck?" Link cried, jumping back- Pit had just risen right through his seat. "Where even were you?"

"Just hiding in the background in case someone mentioned _mysterious letters!" _Pit grinned.

"Well, that works out, because we have one for you, too!" Plusle cheered, producing another letter for the ghost.

"I- I do?" Pit asked, caught off guard.

"Yep! Here you go!"

XXXX

Meanwhile, on the other end of the room...

"I just don't see what's so wrong with it!" Robin was saying, currently in female form.

"Nothing necessarily _wrong _with it," Lucina was in the middle of shrugging, "but it just gets a tad annoying when your best friend is one gender one minute, and the other the next!"

"It's not like I can help it!" Robin objected, her voice dropping several octaves as she abruptly became a he.

"And you just did it again," Lucina muttered, just as a new arrival stepped in.

"Waluigi got a letter for you!" said the new arrival in a very strange voice, drawing Robin and Lucina's attention to the tall boy approaching them, dressed in purple with a crooked moustache.

"A letter?" Lucina asked. "Who from?"

"Waluigi not allowed to say! He said if Waluigi kept quiet, he'd be number lemon!"

"That... that doesn't actually make sense, Wa," Lucina noted, raising an eyebrow.

"Whatever- Waluigi is delivering to you, and Robin, and Waluigi's brother and his friends!"

"You mean Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario?" Lucina asked, her eyes narrowing slightly in distaste. "Any idea what these letters say?"

"Read them for yourself!" Waluigi objected, handing her her letter.

XXXX

Meanwhile, at the Retro table, a large, beefy senior approached a young man in a red coat. "I knew you'd be coming," the red-coated student noted, raising his hand before the red-haired student could say anything.

"Then I guess you know what I was going to say, then, don't ya?" the other boy guessed.

"Of course- I've got a letter from someone trying to stay anonymous, who couldn't be bothered to send it with the albatrosses, and you want to see what it is just as much as I do."

"Yeah, that's about the size of it," the beefy student nodded his agreement.

"Well, let's not delay things- let's see what it says," the red-coated student accepted the letter being offered him.

XXXX

And a similar scene took place at the Hal table, but they're Hals, they don't really do much, so let's just skip over their scene to a rough transcript of the letters themselves, in the glorious language of cut-and-paste magazine letters-

DEAr mR./MS. (InserT NAMe oF StudENT heRe:)

you ARE CoRDIAlly iNVITed To thE DisUsED cLAsSROOm in THE nortHWest COrner OF THe ThirD fLOOR, oN thE lefT-HANd siDE for A UniquE EXTrA CREdit OpporTUNIty. tHIs METhOD OF writING iS Very TIRIng, SO I'll EXPLaiN TheRe. 8:00 shARP.

-a frIENd.

XXXX

"Well, that's odd," Mario noted, turning the note over as though he suspected a prank.

"Certainly is," Link agreed. "Anything else obvious to note before we decide what to do about it?"

"Well, I don't know about you guys," Kirby smirked.

"But as for me and Kirb, we always look for extra credit opportunities!" Meta grinned.

"So we'll be going, but if you two want to wuss out, you can go right ahead!" the two chorused.

Link gulped- backed into a corner, nowhere to go but to the room mentioned at the proper time. Mario simply shrugged and gave a noncommital nod- he was pretty curious to see what this was about himself.

XXXX

So, at about 7:30 that night, Mario, Link, Zelda, and the twins met up in the Nintendo hub and began making their way down to the room mentioned on the note. "Any idea what this is all about?" Zelda asked.

"Heck if I know- this is a random quicky, it could be basically anything," Mario muttered.

"Does anyone else get the feeling that something bad is going to happen here?" Link asked, looking nervously over his shoulder.

"Oh, will you relax, it's not even curfew yet!" Zelda pointed out. "Nothing bad is going to happen!"

And, indeed, they didn't even run into Mido on their way down the steps and into the room described on the note, where they found a young man waiting for them- he was dressed in a red jacket over a red sweater, with red shorts, red shoes, and hair that was... wait for it... blond, matching up with his tan skin and blue eyes. He carried a shining, light blue, slightly transparent sword over his back. He looked up at them and smiled as they entered. "Ah, so you three got here first! I mean, I knew it was going to happen, of course."

"Aren't you... Shulp?" Mario asked, snapping his fingers as he struggled to put a name to the boy's face.

"Shulk," the boy corrected. "Shulk Clairvoya, Retro. Nice to meet you, Mario!" He smiled as he stood and extended a hand, which Mario shook.

"Guess I don't have to ask how you know who I am," Mario muttered.

"Not by your scar," Shulk smiled as he shook his head. "No, it's my special power. You see..." he paused dramatically as similarly-dramatic music rose up in the background... "I can see the future!"

"Oh, sure you can," Link smirked skeptically. "Let me guess, you're-"

"No, I'm not going to tell Mario he's being hunted by a blue-eyed beast," Shulk interrupted. Smiling slightly, he continued. "That... _was _what you were going to say, right? Lucky guess!" he added quickly as Link opened his mouth. "And now I sense denial coming on..."

"Well, come on, anybody could have guessed I was going to say 'lucky guess!'" Link objected. "That proves-"

"-nothing?" Shulk concluded.

Kirby and Meta burst out laughing. "Oh, I like this guy already!" Kirby chortled.

"Right up our alley!" Meta agreed.

"Kirby? Meta?" came another voice, and they all turned to see Peach entering the room, followed by two Hals, Lucas Ikari and Maya Fey. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We got letters telling us to come here," Mario explained, drawing their attention to him.

"Oh, Mario!" Peach blinked slightly in shock. "You- you too, huh?"

"Yup. Incidentally, are you the one who sent those letters?" he asked of Shulk.

"No, I'm not," Shulk shook his head. "My friend Reyn gave me one, too. I'm just as much in the dark about all this as you are."

"Pretty strange, isn't that, Mr. Clairvoya?" Link interjected, glaring at him.

"Well, my powers don't work like that," Shulk explained. "I don't see on command- I just get brief flashes."

"Fat lot of use that power is, then," Link scoffed.

"It has its uses," Shulk shrugged. "Incidentally, Mario," he added, turning his attention to said pyromancer, "you're going to find yourself in a pretty desperate situation this winter- you'll know it when it happens- and when you do, I want you to open this envelope and follow the instructions, alright?"

Mario blinked as he accepted the envelope. "Um... if you say so..."

"Oh, come on, you're not really buying this, are you?" Link growled agitatedly.

"You know, you're pretty skeptical for someone born into the smasher world," came Pit's voice as he rose from the ground.

"Guess he's just kind of dense like that," came another voice, as another ghost arrived- he looked almost exactly like Pit, except dressed in black, with black wings, and black hair.

"Hey, aren't you the Nintendo ghost?" Maya asked, interest in her voice.

"At your service!" Pit nodded enthusiastically, bowing extravagantly.

"You're pretty good with ghosts, aren't you, Maya?" Lucas asked, rasing his hand in a cowboy-style gesture at the opening of his sentence.

"Spirit medium, remember?" Maya pointed out. "Yeah, you're the Nintendo ghost, and... well, I don't know who you are," she confessed with an apology in her voice, looking at Pit's mysterious twin, "but I think I've seen you flying around Sierra..."

"Oh, this is my twin, Pittoo!" Pit grinned. "He died the same time as me, but he was part of Sierra..."

"First off," 'Pittoo' growled, "stop calling me by that stupid name. Second, I can speak for myself."

"Oh, hey, quite a few people here already!" came a voice from the doorway, prompting everyone to turn and see Lucina entering, followed by Robin (female) and Waluigi. "Don't tell me we're late!"

"Oh, don't worry, Lucy, a smasher is never late," Shulk grinned. "Or early, either- they arrive exactly when they mean to!"

"I thought we were trying to cut _back _on references," Mario grumbled.

"Well, hey, I've just been introduced, haven't I?" Shulk pointed out. "Guess I didn't get the memo yet."

Link, meanwhile, was focusing on the new arrivals. "Haven't I seen you three at the _Sierra _table?" he asked with snide condescension in his voice.

"Link," Zelda muttered warningly.

"I suppose that's pretty likely, given that we _are _from Sierra, after all," Lucina nodded. "Let me guess- going by your cold condescension for anyone not in your group... you must be in Nintendo."

"You badmouthing my group?!" Link shouted, his hot Faron blood getting the better of him.

"You certainly didn't wait to badmouth mine!" Lucina retorted, glaring daggers right back at him.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down, you two!" Peach objected, standing between them with her arms outstretched. "Link, this is Lucina, she's a friend of mine- she plays bass in our band!" she added, glancing over at Mario, who, remembering their conversation of several chapters earlier, nodded, confirming his remembrance. "Lucina, this is Link, he's my brother, he's a bit of a hothead, but he's really a good guy, when you get to know him!"

"Link, huh? Yeah, I've heard of him," Lucina nodded. "Isn't he the one who crashed a flying phone box into the flaaghra a couple years back?"

Link grimaced at the not-exactly-fond memory. "Yeah, that was me."

"That was actually pretty cool," Robin smiled at him. "Even us over in Sierra heard about that one."

"Robin, don't compliment him!" Lucina objected. Turning, she added, "AND PICK A GENDER ALREADY!"

Link's jaw dropped- sure enough, in the interim, Robin had become male once more. "Wha- what -what the... how...?"

"Oh, that's Robin," Peach quickly explained. "She- well, he, right now- he's kind of like a shape-shifter, but with two pre-set forms- a male one and a female one. He keeps switching between them- he doesn't even remember which he was when he was born."

"Sad, but true," Robin shook his head. "Truth is, I don't really identify as one gender or the other- they're both the same to me."

"Waluigi is feeling left out of this conversation," Waluigi muttered sadly in the background.

"Yo, homies, what the heck is all this crud?" came another voice, causing Mario to experience temporary heart failure as he turned and saw Bowser and his crew entering, Ganondorf dragging a whimpering Luigi in his wake. "We get these letters from that purple ditz over there-" Prompting a shock in Mario as he witnessed Wario looking at Bowser with something very nearly like anger as Bowser badmouthed Waluigi- "and then we meet this wimpola on the way to this room, who says he got a letter, too!"

"Come on, please, don't hurt me!" Luigi whimpered as Ganondorf tossed him into the middle of the room.

"And on top of that, now we find all of you here!"

"Well, I guess it's because we all got letters, isn't it?" Lucina asked, turning to glare at the turtle. "Honestly, I was kind of hoping you wouldn't even turn up!"

"Oh, don't pretend you're any better, little Ms. _Sierra!" _Link put in.

"Will you shut _up _with that!" Lucina objected. "Yeah, I'm in Sierra, that does _not _make me automatically inferior to you _Nintendrones!"_

"Oh, that is it!" Link snapped and pounced on Lucina.

"This was all foretold!" Shulk put in, prompting Link to turn in and drag him into the fight. One by one, for their own reasons, everybody else joined in, with the exception of Kirby and Meta Knight, who were simply roaring with laughter, until finally, a single voice called out, "STOP!"

Everyone froze where they stood, slowly turning to see two gigantic hands in white gloves floating there- both the Master and Crazy Hands, both in the same place. Everyone pulled apart immediately.

"I see you all got my message," the Master Hand spoke as he floated into the room, looking from one scared face to one indifferent face, to two faces that were still struggling to avoid laughing. "Good, good. And you all came, too. Very good. In fact, I'd almost go as far as to say- _pretty _good." As he said this, he and Crazy joined together in making the Ocelot gesture.

"Now," he continued, clapping together with Crazy, to great effect, "it is time to explain."

"Sorriez 'bout all dis, guys," Crazy put in. "Me thinks dis might be mesies faults."

"No fault," the Master Hand shook himself. "Just because I got the idea while watching the movie together with you, while eating your homemade pizza, and after drinking six-month-old Mountain Dew out of your old glove doesn't make it your fault. And fault? It's a brilliant idea!"

"And... what is that idea... sir?" Lucina asked, her demeanor much changed from before, when she'd been addressing Link.

"You chosen students of the Smash Bros. School of Smashing... are going to put on a play!" the Master Hand exclaimed delightedly.

There was a long, long silence. Very long. Almost as long as some of the hiatuses back in the age of _Dungeon of Secrets _long. Finally, the Faron twins spoke up. "Oh, good one, Matty!" they exclaimed. "Two great jokes in two days, very good."

"Not a joke," the Master Hand explained. "I was watching a movie the other day, with the Crazy Hand, eating his old pizza, and drinking six-month-old Mountain Dew out of his old glove, when I had a brilliant vision. It was... beautiful! We would adapt the play to contain all of you children, and you would act it out! It's a brilliant idea!"

Mario couldn't help but notice the Master Hand's speech seemed slightly slurred at the time, as though he was still feeling the effects of that old pizza and soda. "And... you chose all of us because...?"

"That's... that's a pretty good question," Luigi agreed, making the customary hand gesture. "Why me?"

"Or me?" Peach nodded.

"Or me, I suppose," Lucina shrugged.

"Well, I can actually see me," Robin conceded. "Two roles for the price of one."

"You see? Robin gets it," the Master Hand agreed in his 'I'd-be-smiling-if-I-had-a-face voice. "You see, Mario, some are born great, and others have greatness thrust upon them! Even though some of you were only introduced in this very chapter, you certainly deserve a spot at the big time!"

"Well, too bad, 'cause I'm not interested," Bowser growled. "You can _keep _your play, old man!"

"For once in his life, Bowser's right," Link stepped in. "I mean, I'm all for theater, but not if I'm involved, and if I have to work with that turtle and that... _that person..._" three guesses who he was glaring at here- "then I'd rather not."

"Oho, but did I mention, this is not actually extra credit?" the Master Hand spoke. "This... is now a requirement. You don't do it, you fail this year."

"What?! That's ridiculous! That's not fair!" Link objected.

"Life is not fair, Mr. Faron."

Link grumbled. "Why do I feel like we just had this conversation?"

"Resistance is futile," Shulk put in. "I've seen the future, and we all participate in the play."

"Oh, really?" Link asked sardonically.

"Really," Shulk agreed. "I play a crime boss, and you two-" he glanced between Mario and Link- "play my underlings!"

"Oh, come on!" Link objected.

"Hey, could be pretty interesting," Mario shrugged. "You know- showbiz! No business like it!"

"Could be a big break," Lucina nodded, stroking her chin contemplatively. "How about you, Maya? Peach?"

"A chance to grace the stage with my presence? HECK YEAH!" Maya whooped.

"Well... I guess if you and Mario are okay with it..." Peach shrugged, a slight trace of nervousness on her face nonetheless.

"And what about us, old man?" Dark Pit stepped in. "How are you going to convince Pit and I to cooperate?"

"Actually, I'm in already!" Pit smiled. "I've always wanted to be in a play!"

Dark Pit sighed. "Of course you have," he muttered. "Okay, how are you going to convince _me _to cooperate?"

"By having Mido standing by your bones, ready to salt and burn them at a moment's notice until the play's over," the Master Hand retorted easily.

Dark Pit blanched- quite a sight on a ghost. "You wouldn't."

"I would," the Master Hand said in his 'I'd-be-smirking-if-I-had-a-face' voice. "Now, as for the rest of you, Mario, you will be playing a character formerly played by..."

Mario crossed all his fingers, muttering rapid-fire to himself, "Please say Samuel L. Jackson, please say Samuel L. Jackson, _please say Samuel L. Jackson!_"

"Samuel L. Jackson!"

"YES!"

"Oh, goody for you," Link muttered.

"Oh, come on, Link!" Mario smiled. "We're gonna do it anyways, may as well have fun with it!"

Link took a deep breath, then allowed a smile to come to his face. "Okay... I guess you're right."

"Link, you'll be John Travolta!"

"WHAT?!" Link growled. "That guy's a freaking moron!"

"You don't even know who he is, do you?" Zelda asked quietly.

"Not a clue," Link conceded.

"Lucina, you're Bruce Willis!"

"Isn't that a _man's _name?" Lucina asked. "I mean, can't you get Robin to do that? He- I mean, _she-_" she sighed upon looking and seeing Robin had turned female in the meantime- "is half male!"

"Don't object!" the Master Hand said dramatically, pointing at her. "I have two different roles picked out for Robin- your aunt, and someone who'll help Mario and Link out later on. Now, Shulk, you already know who _you _are, of course..."

Proceedings continued, as everyone received the name of the actor whose role they'd be reprising in this play based on a movie.

"Okay, now, we're going to hand out the scripts!" the Master Hand announced happily. "Take them to your hubs and study them! We'll start meeting up in Wednesday nights in our auditorium to practice, and two weeks from now, we'll be ready to perform!" He sounded so giddy about this.

"Any chance this is actually gonna go well?" Link muttered to Zelda, who simply gave a noncommital, not-very-hopeful-sounding grunt.

"Wait, we have an auditorium?" Mario asked. "I mean, seriously, three years here, half a year of which was spent with the _Bomber's Guide to the freaking Smash Mansion, _and I didn't know about our auditorium?"

"Enough complaining!" the Master Hand interjected. "And enough talk! We meet back here tomorrow night, same time, for me to show you to the auditorium! It'll be like a field trip! So, to your hubs, study your scripts!"

XXXX

"Is it just me, or is he going a little... senile?" Mario asked of Link and Zelda as they met up in the library to do some quiet line-reading, at Zelda's insistence. "Not just the idea, just... the whole way he was acting back there seemed strange, even for him."

"Hey, eating Crazy's cooking will do that to a person," Link shrugged. "Alright, what's this movie we're playing out?"

Finally, they looked at the scripts. "Huh, that's a weird name," Mario noted, running a finger across the title. "Pulp... Fiction..."

_XXXX_

And there you have it! Yeah, I'll admit it, I freaking love that movie. I was watching it the other day, and just _had _to do this. Hope you guys can accept this. In addition to being the sixteenth chapter of this story (holy crud, sixteen chapters already?), this will also be the prologue of the new story going up on my profile, _Mario Mario and the Unexpected Drama! _(Yeah, didn't exactly splurge on the title.) For those of you who are also fans of Quentin Tarantino's masterpiece, Pulp Fiction, hope you can enjoy it! For those of you who haven't seen said movie at all, hope you enjoy said spin-off story, detailing the play itself, and hopefully it will convince you to see the movie itself! And if you don't, for some reason, care for the film, hopefully you can still enjoy the off-the-wall parody of it this will be, and maybe it will even convince you to give the original another shot. That said, of course, if you have no interest in it whatsoever, skipping out on it shouldn't limit your enjoyment of _Bottle of Lightning _much, if at all. This story will continue to be updated alongside said spin-off, which shouldn't last long anyways- including this chapter as its prologue, the game plan is for it to last only six chapters. Either way, this whole thing is now officially go! Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions alike welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	17. The Evillest of Evils

Gamer4 in. Well, I'm coming in to write this just before going to apply for a job at the fair, so... wish me luck, guys! (Which would mean so much more if I was likely to finish this chapter and get it up before said application process...)

Disclaimer: See the drunkard in the tavern, stemming gold to make ends meet. See the youth in ghetto black, condemned to life upon the street."

Chapter XIV

The Evillest of Evils

Strange plays aside, not much else happened for the next couple days. The classes that Mario took over said days were much as he remembered them, with difficulty cranked up a bit. The worst offender, as one may have guessed, was Wolf O'Donnell, the resident Master of Power-Ups. Luigi, already nervous about the play he was practicing to play a part in (a small part, but a part nonetheless,) had messed up on a relatively simple power-up, causing mutations in half the class caught in the subsequent blast, in which various body parts became as those of bees. A nasty mistake, perhaps, but surely not one that warranted Wolf's ensuing half-hour reason-you-suck speech.

"Freaking winnicott," Link muttered to Mario afterwards. "Taking it out on Luigi, but it's not like we don't know what's _really _getting his goat."

"Let me guess- six and a half feet tall, dresses in armor, carries a whip?" Mario responded.

Indeed, while Wolf was hardly ever friendly to anyone, the brunt of his new attitude seemed to be caused by the arrival of yet another smasher snatching the job he so desired out from under his snout- Wolf not-too-secretly coveted the position of Protection from the Evils teacher. It was strange, though- in previous years, Wolf had hardly ever bothered trying to _hide _his hostility towards said usurpers. Dedede, he'd relentlessly pursued, thinking him a hunter of a powerful artifact the school was attempting to protect. Tingle... well, his attitude towards Tingle hadn't exactly been unique. And Fox, the previous year, he'd made no bones about- he'd shown up in his classes to snark, usurped his classes wherever possible, and made many, many disparaging comments about said vulpine's ability as a teacher. However, while he was clearly not Simon Belmont's biggest fan, he seemed to be taking measures not to be nearly as vocal about it as he had in the past.

"I mean, seriously, it's weird," Mario noted as he and Link discussed the subject in the hub one night. "I mean, even after the platypus incident, Wolf _still _didn't have anything to say to him- I mean, imagine if Tingle had done it!"

"He'd be six feet under by now," Link nodded his concurrence.

"You think Wolf... is scared of him?" Mario wondered, checking over his shoulder to make sure said wolf didn't step out of the shadows as he spoke.

"I think if there's anyone he _would _be scared of, it'd be him," Link nodded.

Regardless of Wolf's feelings about the newest teacher, however, word of mouth spread swiftly among the student body, and by Thursday, Mario's particular group of Nintendos were so excited to see the legendary teacher in action that everyone woke up five hours early, ate a swift breakfast in the Dining Hall, then rushed up to the Protection from the Evils classroom, eagerly waiting out the remaining four-and-a-half hours. Everyone looked around eagerly, gripping their books tightly as footsteps began to sound off near the door- surely, here came the man himself...

Leading to a great deal of disappointment as the door opened and it turned out to be Zelda Hyrule. She quickly made her way over to Mario and Link, who quietly removed the _reserved _card they'd placed on her spot, and sat down, oblivious to the glares she was getting for not being the teacher. "Sorry I'm almost late," she muttered. "I was at the-"

"Library, yeah, we know," Mario and Link grunted back, neither exactly happy with her either. She took the cue, and remained quiet.

Everyone sighed, only to perk up again as footsteps made themselves heard once more- this time, much heavier. They all braced themselves, and then...

SMASH!

The door crashed open, and several students ducked on instinct as a flurry of knives came flying through the doorway, though never going anywhere near the students. Jaws dropped as Simon Belmont came stomping in, taking the same 'disgruntled cowboy walk' that he had on the first night. He made his way up to the front, next to a large whiteboard, occasionally lashing out with his whip to grab his knives back.

Finally, he arrived at said front. "Sorry about that," he growled out. "Never know when there'll be a creature of the night on the other side of the door. Can never be too careful."

He crossed his arms, gripping his upper arms tightly on each side. As he did, his head tilted downwards slightly, and he closed his eyes, as though heavily contemplating something. The pose reminded Mario heavily of somebody else he'd seen recently, but he couldn't think who. Even with his eyes closed, Mario felt that they were still roving around, focusing on each member of his newest class, taking them in one by one. Finally, he opened his eyes and spoke. "You can put those books away. The old hand said I should assign one this year, but we'll hardly be using them. There's only so much you can learn by reading- I believe in learning on the job."

Everyone looked even more excited as they put their books away- practical lessons, huh? This should be awesome...

"A sentiment that your previous teacher seems to have agreed with," Simon noted, producing a note from a pocket that Mario hadn't even noticed before. "A letter from Fox McCloud, my predecessor- says you've all been given practical knowledge of how to deal with all sorts of dark creatures. Tane-Tanes, gnosis, wels, chimaeras, koopas, space pirates, mooks, and even werecreatures- nice, very nice. I certainly can't fault him for filling you in on those demonic sons of b****es." For the first time, Mario noticed a slight accent infiltrating Simon's voice whenever he pronounced the word 'demonic.' It suddenly turned southern, coming out more like 'dee-mohnic.'

"It's certainly a good start, and, like I said, I won't knock him for it," Simon continued, "but the fact is, you're behind on something else. Something just as important- perhaps, I dare say, even _more _important- than knowing how to deal with _demonic _sons of b****es is learning how to deal with _smasher _sons of b****es. That's where I'm stepping in- I'm going to fill you in on what smashers can do to each other. I have one year to do so, and then-"

"What, you're only staying a year?" Link asked, eyes widening.

Simon turned to stare at him, causing him to almost jump back into the row behind him, but then he simply smiled. Very slightly, granted, and the effect on his face was more disturbing than anything, but hey, it was nice to see a real smile from him. "Link Faron, right? Your papa got me out of some hot water the other day. Noble action on his part, no matter what that fool at the Fourside Tribune says. But yes, I'm only staying for the one year. Special favor to the Master Hand, while he looks for someone else to fill the void next year. After that, I'm heading home to a quiet retirement."

Shaking his head slightly, Simon grunted and continued. "So, enough beating around the bush. The first thing you kids need to understand is the most important lesson you can learn about our world, one that you should have learned in just the _previews _to our first story- not all smashers are good. I'm sure there are plenty of adults out there who want you to believe that the smasher world is all sunshine, kittens, pie-" (his accent slipped once more, causing it to come out as 'pah,') "-and rainbows, but the fact is, that's not how it works. Smashers perfected the art of hurting each other a while back, it's never gone away, and I doubt it ever really will. There are the great and good among smashers, of course, but there's a very real dark side- and I'm here to teach you what you can expect from smashers on that side- and, more importantly, what you can do to protect yourself.

"The Government of Smashing will probably disagree with my ideas about how this class should be taught- they told me to just stick to teaching you defensive maneuvers. And you know what I say to that?" He waited, glancing around the class, from face to face. "I say, when I was just a boy, I thought there was a monster in my closet. I went upstairs to my papa, shook him awake, told him, and you know what he said to me? He didn't feed me some bull about it being alright, about there being no such thing as monsters- he slapped a sawed-off shotgun into my hands and told me to go blast that son of a b****'s _face _in."

Zelda gasped. "And what did your _mom _say about that?!"

Simon chuckled slightly as he turned to her. "Oh, yeah, momma thought papa'd gone off the deep end- she thought he should have given me a 44 magnum. Always _was _more of a handgun person. The point is, it isn't making you safer to sugarcoat the truth, make things seem better than they are- it's only putting you in more danger. The Master Hand thinks you're made of sterner stuff, and I say that you need to be prepared! You need to know what you're up against! You need to tell me, right now, what acts are punished most highly by our laws!"

Everyone gave an internal jolt at the sudden pop quiz. Simon scanned his eyes around the room, looking for anyone who was ready to answer. "Come on, people, what acts are punished most heavily by our laws?"

Finally, getting over the initial shock, hands began to rise around the room. Simon gazed around, then abruptly belted out, "FARON!"

"Yes!" Link abruptly jumped to attention as though he was in the army.

"STAND!"

Link did so immediately. Simon looked him up and down, then motioned for him to speak. Link looked around nervously, before stuttering out, "Um... I think Dad told me once... he thought the worst... he said the worst thing a smasher could do to another... m-mind control..."

Simon quietly nodded. "He'd know about that, alright- that was his department, back in the old war..."

As he spoke, Simon turned to a nearby jar, containing three spiders- a black widow, a recluse, and a funnel spider. Link, noticing said jar, abruptly leapt backwards.

Simon reached in and pulled out the black widow, not showing the slightest signs of hesitation at handling one of the deadliest arachnids known to the human race. He dropped it down on the desk, then pulled out his whip. A look of concentration crossed his face, and, abruptly, he lashed out with his whip. Mario half-expected the spider to disintegrate on the spot, but the whip never actually made contact- rather, the whip struck the desk in front of the teacher. However, the spider didn't seem to notice. If anything, the spider seemed to have abruptly calmed- where it had previously been scuttling around the desk, it grew suddenly still.

"Now, black widow, would you kindly show off some of your mad skillz?" Simon asked. "I'm in the mood for some parkour."

And the black widow obliged- abruptly, it was rushing around the classroom, pulling off stunts all over the place, vaulting over books, swinging around a nearby lamp, using a web as a trapeze, and flipping all over students' heads. There was a great deal of panic at first- black widow, and all- but it slowly gave way to amusement as they realized the spider wasn't actually going to hurt them. Soon enough, people were actually cheering it on- the exceptions being Link, who was cowering under his desk, and Zelda, who had a distinct look of distaste on her face, matched only by the one on Simon's. "Pretty funny, innit?" he asked, arms crossed once more as he glared down at them. "So, what's next? Hey, black widow, would you kindly bite one of them?"

Everyone suddenly panicked, watching apprehensively as the spider came to a halt, turning to glare at them. But before it made any moves, Simon spoke again. "Or, how about, black widow, would you kindly drown yourself?"

Without a moment of hesitation, the black widow climbed up over a pale of water that nobody had been paying much attention to before, but now watched in horror as the black widow spun a web over it, and began steadily lowering itself down to a watery grave. Simon glanced up at the rest of the class, and seemed satisfied that they now grasped the true gravity of the situation. He made a motion with his hands, and the spider stopped lowering itself, instead climbing to the side of the pale and climbing down. Simon crossed the room to the window, opened it, and spoke one last time. "Black widow, would you kindly head on out and find yourself some nice, big, hulking thing to settle down with?"

The black widow scurried out, and Simon shut the window before turning back to the class. "Mind control- enacted through various methods, all depending on the smasher, of course. It saps one's free will, and they will obey any commands delivered unto them. Back in the old days, in the war against the Great Darkness, he had plenty of smashers under his control in this manner. The Government had special policies about how to deal with people being controlled, vs. people following him on their own free will. But there's the issue- how do you tell the difference?

"Now, it _is _possible to throw off this control- but, remember, I don't lie to you- it's not easy. It takes a certain strength of will, and even then, you probably won't be able to throw it off at first- it takes practice as well. I'll be teaching you, of course, but ideally, you won't have to throw it off- you'll never be subjected to it in the first place. It is, indeed, one of the most _foul, loathsome _things one smasher can do to another." Simon was suddenly speaking with such intensity that Mario wondered if Simon had personal experience with it. "And that returns me to the point- keep an eye out, never let yourself be vulnerable. Always keep that sawed-off with you."

A long silence, eventually broken by Simon clearing his throat. "Alright, let's hear it- there are three acts that stand above all others as the most evil things a smasher can do- let's hear another, shall we?"

More hands raised, and Mario was surprised to see that one of the hands going up was Luigi's. Simon looked almost as surprised, looking down at the boy in green. "Mr... Luigi, isn't it?"

Luigi nervously nodded. Simon smiled. "Yeah, I knew your parents, too. Good people. So, your input?"

"T-t...torture," Luigi squeaked out.

Simon nodded. "Indeed." He reached into the jar once more, and took out the recluse spider, putting it down on the table. "A little small, perhaps, but I think you'll get the idea..."

The whip began cracking once more. As it did, Simon began yelling out words- "Terror! Suffering! Darkness! Anguish!"

As the whip continued flailing, Mario began to notice something strange- the whip was never once making contact with the spider, and yet... and yet marks were appearing on the spider nonetheless. As they did, the spider began, in its own way, flailing around, twitching wildly, and, if it had a voice, he thought it would be screaming in sheer agony.

"Please... please, stop..." came a moaning sound from nearby. Mario turned and blinked in surprise as he saw Luigi, head on his table, hands on top, eyes wide and scared-looking. Simon, however, seemed not to hear- he was getting into a frenzy as he swung the whip even more wildly.

"Pain!" he was shouting. "Pain! Pain! _Pain! Pain! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!"_

"STOP IT!" came a shout, and everyone spun around to see Zelda, eyes widened in horror, not at the spider, but at Luigi, who was starting to twitch as though he himself was being affected. "Can't you see it's hurting him, too? Stop it!"

Simon froze, his whip falling to his side. The spider collapsed to the table, no longer under the pain of the whip. Slowly, Simon took this spider, as well, walking it to the window and releasing it. "Go on, go write some more of this story," he muttered as the recluse spider scurried off, desperate to be free of his aggressor.

This done, Simon turned back onto the class, and while his regular eye was addressing them all, his mutant, yellow eye sought out Zelda, and stayed on her. As he walked back to the front, he spoke. "Pain and suffering. I didn't use my whip because it probably would have killed it, but even if I had, the pain caused by a master of this art would be enough that the pain caused by the whip would be very secondary. Dark Aperture, I believe it's called- one of the most ancient branches of smashing, and highly illegal in today's world. It locks one in a world of suffering such that endless torment becomes the summation of their existence."

At the end of this highly ominous speech, he finally turned his eyes- yellow and normal alike- onto Zelda. Leering down at her, he continued. "Well, I suppose I can rely on you, Ms. Hyrule, to know what the final act is? The most evil of all?"

Zelda turned white under his gaze, but even as she minutely shook her head from side to side, she spoke in a barely audible whisper: "Deathblows."

Simon stood up, giving a slight nod. He produced the final spider- the funnel spider- from the jar. "This one, I think, needs to be a bit bigger for you to get the idea," he muttered. He grabbed a nearby bag and sprinkled some powder on the spider, causing it to grow to gigantic proportions. Students everywhere screeched, leaping back- and, in Link's case, taking a Scooby-Doo dive into Mario's arms- until Simon raised his whip above his head, swinging it around so fast that it almost seemed to be forming a tornado. Finally, he lashed out with it, striking the spider for the first time. And, in a split second, despite being something that should only have left a mark, the spider skidded and collapsed to the ground, clearly dead.

Simon continued speaking as he produced more powder, shrinking the spider down and dumping it unceremoniously out of the window after its brethren. "Deathblows," he muttered. "Some smashers call them fatalities, some deathblows, but it's all the same, in the end. A move, unique to each smasher, that channels so much of that smasher's energy into one strike that their opponent is killed instantly, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Powerful, cruel, and unstoppable. If you get hit by it, you are _dead_, with no chance of resuscitation. In the long, bloody history of the smashers, only one has ever been known to survive a deathblow- and he's right here, in this very room."

Mario turned as red as his clothing as eyes from all around the room fell on him- in many cases, specifically on his scar. But those gazes weren't the cause...

His brain went into overdrive. So this was how it was. Ever since he'd learned the truth of his parent's deaths, three years ago, now, he'd been slowly piecing more and more details together. For instance, in his first year, a brief conversation with Tabuu had revealed to him that his parents had never been the targets of that assassination- Tabuu had been after him, personally, and his parents had merely gotten in the way. Two years later, his close experiences with floows had revealed to him that his father had died first, vainly attempting to fight off the most evil smasher in the world as his mother took him and ran. Tabuu then killed his mother, even as she begged for him to be spared, offering her own life in his stead- an offer, of course, that Tabuu had coldly refused.

And now, the final puzzle piece fell into place. How, exactly, had his parents, two of the Master Hand's most valuable people, been killed? The answer was now clear- the only memory Mario ever retained of that night was a vivid flash of a man with butterfly wings. The conclusion was obvious- the wings were the product of Tabuu's personal deathblow- he had spread them out in front of his parents, as he had so many times before, and... somehow used them to strike them to the ground, dead.

When Simon spoke again, it took Mario quite a bit of effort to pull himself out of his thoughts and back to the present. "Now, the thing about deathblows is that they need a _lot _of energy behind them, in order to actually take a life. Between that and mastering your own, personal technique, I doubt there's a single one of you that could do so much as give me a rash. Not that it matters- I'm not here to teach you the fine art of killing one another.

"'Why, then?' I hear you all asking. 'If there's no way to stop it, then why tell us?' This is me giving you a sawed-off- this is me giving you what you need to survive out there! There's no point in denying that these acts- mind control, Dark Aperture, and deathblows exist! If you don't know, you're only more vulnerable to them! The only way to avoid them is to know- and to be prepared!" Staring around a bit more, he finally said, "Alright, notebooks out, we're going to take a few notes here..."

The class, cowed by their teacher's introduction, took notes on Simon's subsequent lecture about these three acts for the rest of the period without a trace of comment.

This silence, however, did not last into the post-period period, as conversation immediately broke out among the students, all chatting excitedly about the spiders and what Simon had done. Mario, however, didn't find himself keen to join in- he couldn't help feeling they'd missed the point. He was disturbed by what he'd seen, and, he thought, that was exactly what Simon had intended- for them to really feel the weight of the danger that lay out there...

The only other student who seemed to have gotten it was Zelda, he thought, as Zelda pushed him and Link along, a slightly disturbed look on her face. "Come on, guys, move along..."

"Oh, let me guess, you need to go to the library again?" Link asked, seemingly agitated- he'd been in the middle of discussing the lesson with Ness and Diddy. Zelda, however, shook her head.

"No- it's Luigi," she muttered, motioning forward with her head. Mario and Link looked and saw Luigi up ahead of them, staring out of a nearby window. Mario cautiously took the lead, approaching and getting the man in green's attention. "Hey, Lu, you alright there?" he asked.

When Luigi turned to them, Mario blinked in surprise- Luigi looked particularly haggard for someone who'd seemed just fine that morning. "Oh... hey guys... what's going on?" he asked, struggling to smile, but coming off as particularly disturbed for it. "I'm working hard on my part for the play, I really think I'll knock their socks off out there- so, what'd you think is for dinner?"

More blinking- Luigi really wasn't acting like himself right now. "Lu, what's-"

He was interrupted as heavy footsteps sounded off behind them. They turned to see Simon Belmont approaching. Looking down at Luigi, he spoke in a surprisingly gentle growl. "Luigi Luigi, right?" He bent down slightly and put a hand on Luigi's shoulder. "Look... it's going to be okay, boy, alright? It's going to be okay..."

Mario and Zelda exchanged a surprised look- Simon seemed remarkably different from when he'd been teaching them moments ago...

"Come on," Simon continued in his gentle growl. "I need a word with you in my office- I have some soda up there."

Luigi looked ready to have a panic attack at this, but before he could say anything, Simon had turned his attention to Mario. He scanned the pyromancer in a few seconds. "Not really approving, hm?" he asked. Mario remained silent. "And I might even be inclined to agree with you- it's harsh, and cruel, but the fact is, it's stuff you need to know. Better to have been disturbed, but live because of it, than be happily blind to the truth, and have it get you killed..."

A moment of silence later, and Simon headed up the stairs, first motioning to Luigi to follow and then dragging him along when he didn't. Mario, Link, and Zelda watched him go with sympathy in their eyes before turning and continuing downstairs.

"But Kirby and Meta were right, weren't they?" Link thought out loud. "That guy knows what he's talking about- and did you see what he did with those spiders? Dancing them around, and then just killing that one right where he-"

He froze as his eyes fell on Mario's face, expressing all the mixed feelings he had about that lesson and prompting the swordsman to shut up immediately.

The awkward silence continued to hang over them for the rest of the day- they proceeded through the remainder of their classes without speaking a word. Even when they got down to dinner, they remained silent throughout- particularly Zelda, who followed her previous routine of shoveling food down as fast as she could before dashing out, presumably to the library. It was only when Mario and Link climbed up to the hub and took a couple of seats near the window that Mario finally spoke. "I wonder if Simon or the Master Hand are worried that they'll get in trouble with the Government for teaching us this stuff."

Link followed Mario's example in not mentioning the silence that had been hanging over them all day, simply responding to his remark. "Ah, you know the Master Hand- does what he wants and doesn't really care what anyone else thinks- I mean, just look at that play he has us doing."

"I guess," Mario shrugged.

"And as for Simon- he really strikes me as the 'rush-in-where-angels-fear-to-tread-and-ask-questions-later' type."

"Yeah, I got that too," Mario agreed. Thinking for a moment, he finally said, "Alright, how's about we get to Lucario's homework? It's not going to get any easier by putting it off."

Link's turn to groan. "If you insist..."

The two pulled out their Psychic Powers tools, and got to work on determining the locations of planets throughout the universe.

As they worked, the door to the hub opened up and Luigi clambered in. Mario and Link turned to him immediately- he seemed much better than he had before, though his eyes seemed somewhat red. "Hey, Lu, you alright?" Mario asked, concerned.

"Oh, yeah," Luigi nodded. "Simon... he's actually a pretty cool guy. Took me up, said he had a book he thought I'd like- it's all about swimmers through the ages. Apparently, Coach Lakitu told him about how good I am in Phys. Ed!" Luigi looked very pleased at this.

Mario gave a smile at this- while most people wouldn't guess it from looking at his lanky frame, Luigi was actually pretty athletic, with Phys Ed being indisputably his best subject. A new respect for Simon Belmont formed within him- comforting a student by offering him some soda and telling him about another teacher's praise... it was something he could easily imagine Fox McCloud doing.

"Anyways, I think I'll turn in early tonight," Luigi shrugged. "See you guys later..."

And he headed up to the dorms.

Mario and Link returned to their Psychic Powers calculations. As mentioned before, it wasn't exciting. At all. An hour later, they still had jack diddly squat, despite endless chains and snarls of numbers and symbols having virtually swallowed the table. "Bub-freaking-kiss," Mario muttered. "I've got nothing. What about you?"

"Zip, zero, zilch," Link muttered. "I've got a better chance of reassembling the Triforce than making anything out of this mess." He gave a frustrated groan, then simply muttered, "You know what, smeg it. Ganymede and Sirius are getting too friendly in the sky- I'm going to get a flu next week."

"I don't see where it says anything like that..." Mario muttered, flicking through his textbooks.

"It doesn't," Link shrugged. "But you know what we do when in doubt in Psychic Powers class, right?"

"Ah- BS it," Mario nodded his agreement. "Well, then, I suppose that Xen's conjunction with the resonance cascade means that Imma get shanghaied by pirates next Friday..."

"The heck is a resonance cascade?" Link chortled. "Alright, Mira's coming into our line of sight next week, so I guess that means I'll lose a swordfight to Lucina..."

"Not as far from the truth as it could be," Mario pointed out. "Hmm... Brinstar is getting pretty close to Elysia... suppose I'm going to be enveloped in some sort of radiation that takes on the form of my dark side and starts killing off my friends."

"Hate when that happens," Link shook his head. "But is that as bad as me developing a split personality that blows up half of a city because Planet Xeno is adjacent to Miltia?"

"Oh, I'll top you," Mario smirked. "Mobius is in a position of power soon, meaning... I'm about to become a character in _My Immortal_!"

"Oh, snap!" Link broke down in laughter.

Things continued in this vein for a while, with misfortunes ranging from genuinely tragic to wildly ridiculous, only being broken up when the door to the hub opened up and Zelda entered. "Done!" she cheered. "Finally, all my work has paid off!"

"Mine, too!" Link joined in her jubilation. "_Eat it, _Lucario!"

Zelda came over and examined said work. "Mmm-hmmm," she noted. "Not going to be having a good time, are you?"

"Sad, yeah, but hey, at least I get to know in advance, right?"

"Yeah," Zelda agreed. "Especially when two Leviathan Seeds are going to crash into Earth, one after the other."

"Oh, crud," Link noted unconcernedly. "Thought I only used that one once- okay, I'll change one to accidentally opening a rift in the space-time continuum that ushers all sorts of alien monsters into our world."

"You could at least _act _like you're putting any effort into this _whatsoever," _Zelda remarked scathingly.

"You wound me, ma'am!" Link objected. "Making this stuff up is hard work!"

Any further conversation was interrupted by Mario dramatically finishing off his final prediction. "And, after a long month of all _that _crud, I'll stab myself through the stomach just to spite Athena," he concluded. "That oughtta tie up my loose ends, don't you think?" Looking up, he blinked in surprise. "Oh, Zelda, when did you get back?"

"Just now, actually," Zelda replied.

Noticing that she was carrying a box, he asked, "And..."

"And?"

"And, what's with the containment apparatus?"

"Can't you just say, 'What's in the box?'" Zelda sighed. "Well, what's in the box is what I've been working on all this time."

"Well, don't keep us in suspense," Mario motioned for her to continue. "What's been going on?"

Zelda threw open the box, reached inside, and produced a red badge, handing it to Mario. Looking at it, he read out the letters: S.O.Y.L.E.N.T.

"Um... Zelda?" Mario wondered out loud, with no small trace of doubt in his voice. "You- you _do _realize what this is, right?"

"Of course I do!" Zelda nodded earnestly. "S.O.Y.L.E.N.T.! Saving Our Yoshis and Lending 'Em Net Tweezers!"

"Um... Net tweezers?" Mario asked, bewildered beyond all belief.

"Net Tweezers!" Zelda nodded earnestly. "You know, tweezers you use to cut nets! Like the nets currently oppressing yoshis worldwide!"

"That... really doesn't make any sense," Mario shook his head. "I mean, I know you've had this yoshi thing going on lately, but it honestly just sounds like you really wanted the acronym to be an obscure reference, so-"

"S.O.Y.L.E.N.T!" Zelda objected.

"But-"

"S.O.Y.L.E.N.T!"

"But what if-"

"Ah-ah-ah-ah!" Zelda cut him off. A long moment later. "S.O.Y.L.E.N.T."

"Zelda," Link interjected, "how many people do you really think you'll get to join a club with a name like that?"

"Well, you two, at least," Zelda pointed out. "We'll call each other by code names! I'll be Soylent Blond! You, Mario, will be Soylent Red, and Link, you're Soylent Green."

"Oh, holy Wave Existence," Mario muttered, pulling his hat down over his face. It didn't do much good- it simply fell to the floor, as if to say, "Sorry, dude, you're on your own on this one."

"I've been researching it the whole time," Zelda continued, ignoring Mario's struggle against his inner straight man. "I can't believe this is the first time anyone's even _tried _to do anything about it– it goes back so many years..."

"Zelda, I really think you're missing something here," Link interjected. "It's like Pit was saying- the Master Hand even offered the yoshis all the things you're angry about them not having- they're really just _that _conservative that they think they should be able to get by without it!"

"Shut it, Link!" Zelda growled, turning on him. Continuing on, she said, "In the short term, we'll settle for yoshis getting fairly compensated. In the long term, the best thing I think we can do is to get yoshis into the Government of Smashing- get them recognized as smashers on their own- after all, they can't change things for themselves if they can't even represent themselves!"

"Pretty lofty goals you got there," Mario noted. "Can't wait to hear your game plan."

"Well, we start by recruiting as many people as we can," Zelda addressed. "Two rupees to join up, and from there, we'll use that money to make some leaflets- the bare bones of any campaign. Link, it'll be your job to keep track of our funds, and Mario, you'll keep a log of our meetings- maybe you should be writing this all down. Of course, getting yoshis involved would be great, but their voices will go unheard at first, so we'll need smashers to join up- at first, S.O.Y.L.E.N.T. will be people!"

At which point Mario simply dropped everything on the ground. "Nope. Nope. I'm done. Can't stand it."

He was on the point of simply heading up to his dorm when everyone was distracted by a tap-tappity-tapping on the window. Turning, the three saw an albatross on the outside, casually tapping its beak against the glass.

"Parakarry!" Mario gasped, immediately dismounting the stairs and rushing to the window, opening it up and allowing his beloved albatross entry. "It's about time, I sent you out fourteen chapters ago! Why didn't you come in with the rest of the albatrosses?"

At which Parakarry motioned to his outfit- yes, outfit. He was dressed in sunglasses and a James-Bond style suit. Mario sighed. "And my own albatross betrays me," he muttered. Looking down at Parakarry's leg, he took the letter he saw there and led him to the window. "Alright, off to the aviary, you."

Parakarry glanced back, giving what Mario could almost describe as a smirk, before taking off into the night, leaving said suit and sunglasses behind.

"So, what's Strider got to say?" Zelda asked eagerly, all thoughts of her unfortunately-named club, for the moment, forgotten.

_Dear Mario,_

_Not much time to write right now- I'm dealing with this guy who claims to be a High-Functioning Sociopath. But as soon as that's done, I'll be taking Epona and heading straight up to the Smash Mansion. Your story isn't the first I've heard- strange things are going on all over the place. You were at the Smash-Up Grand Prix, you must've seen what happened first-hand. If your scar hurts again, go straight to the Master Hand- if he's bringing Simon Belmont to the mansion, then he's seeing the signs, blind as everyone else might be._

_I'll be there as soon as I can. Keep close to Link and Zelda, and eyes open._

_Love, as always,_

_Strider_

"CHICKENSMEG!" Mario shouted.

"Keep it down, Mario!" Zelda quickly motioned for silence.

"What is it?" Link asked, caught off guard.

"He's coming back!" Mario continued shouting, though making more of an effort to keep it down. "I _had _to tell him, didn't I? My scar twinges, I go crying to him, and now he's coming back to the place that will be more on alert for him than anywhere else!"

"Mario..." Zelda whispered, reaching out gently.

Mario, however, turned away. "I'm turning in," he muttered, heading up to the dorm, as he'd been planning to do moments before.

It took him quite a while to get to sleep that night, thoughts of Roy getting caught- and it being on his hands- running through his mind. When Link came up, he followed the usual tradition of not trying to make conversation with someone clearly not ready to deal, instead simply laying in his bed.

And, had Mario been a bit more observant, he may have noticed the lack of Luigi's usual deep breathing that night.

XXXX

And... yes! I've got a job at the fair! Come on down to the fair next month, and you'll be given the unique chance to play a game being run by yours truly- and, of course, to punch me in the face. (That's a joke, please don't actually punch me in the face.) Anyways, next update will be on _Unexpected Drama, _but when we come back, we'll go ahead with the next actual chapter. See you guys then! In the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	18. Mycrowsoft and Sohnee

Gamer4 in! Well, off to an awkward start already, with these dead flies that somehow managed to find their way onto my desktop. I feel like they're staring at me... Anyways, in keeping with how excited I was (and still am) to write this story, this chapter's title is the first I ever imagined for a Mario Mario chapter! I described how I got the idea many chapters earlier, and this is the first chapter title that came of it! But enough looking back, let's just dive right in!

Disclaimer: Reaching for his saddlebag, he takes a tarnished cross into his hand! Standing like a preacher now, he shouts across the ocean to the shore,

Chapter XV

Mycrowsoft and Sohnee

Mario woke fairly early the next morning, jerking awake and laying in bed with a nagging worry at the edge of his mind. Thinking about it, he realized that he was sensing it- somewhere in the world, a hyphen had suddenly gone missing. And then, after a little more thinking, he recalled the previous night, and Roy's alarming news that he was coming back to the Smash Mansion. For a while, he leaned back in his bed, staring at the ceiling, before coming to a decision, swinging his legs out of bed and heading down to the hub, where he grabbed a piece of paper, a pen, and commenced writing. It took significantly less time to write this letter than the one he'd written all those chapters ago, which really showed:

_Dear Roy,_

_Nothing's wrong over here, what are you talking about? I mean, that whole 'scar-hurting' thing was over a month ago, and I was half-asleep to begin with, and my cousin keeps coming into my room trying to re-enact the last scene from 'Inglourious Basterds' anyways, so it's not really that surprising that I'd wake up with my forehead hurting, you know? Everything's just fine over here, really, you don't have to come!_

_Mario._

... Yeah, not the best, but Mario was desperate, and it was early- he was still feeling pretty out of it. He tucked the letter into an envelope, climbed out of the hub, and headed up to the aviary. He was only waylaid slightly, as the Boo descended from the ceiling and challenged him to a dance-off, which Mario politely declined with a small inferno.

Up in the aviary, he called out to Parakarry, who came fluttering down immediately. Thankfully, he'd dispensed with the stereotypical spy-ware that he'd donned the previous night. Mario stroked him gently as he raised the letter up. "Hope you're not too mad about me sending you out on a job so soon after the last one," he murmured quietly. "But this is kind of important- if Roy doesn't get this, he'll be in serious danger."

Parakarry cocked his head slightly, gazing into Mario's eyes. Finally, he nodded quickly. Mario smiled. "Good. Now, take this letter to him as fast as you can- make sure you get to him before the floows, alright?"

Parakarry gave him a gentle love nibble, accepted the letter, and soared off into the sky. Mario watched him go, resentful of the nervous knot in his stomach- a knot that Roy's response had been meant to alleviate, not tighten...

XXXX

"I've never heard a bigger load of bull in my life," Zelda scolded accusingly over her toast. "You know you didn't imagine that, Mario- and I know Bill's a bully, but I can't see him trying to carve your forehead open with a knife."

"Maybe in the past," Mario shrugged, "but definitely not now. But that's not the point! I wasn't going for accuracy, I was trying to say something that would keep him away from here- and away from Subspace!"

Mario was rapidly beginning to regret explaining his plan of action to his friends over breakfast in the Dining Hall- Link seemed to be largely indifferent as he helped himself to his sixty-fourth strip of bacon, but Zelda had done nothing since but nag him over it.

Mario prepared to sigh as Zelda opened her mouth again, but Link, miraculously, intervened, swallowing his cooked pork and shaking his head. "Come on, Zelda, he can't change it now, anyways- Parakarry's already gone. And even if he could- well, let's face it, he wouldn't."

Zelda still looked extremely disapproving, but she silenced herself nonetheless.

The next couple weeks or so were pretty uneventful, with the exception of that play that the Master Hand had insisted on them having. Once that was over, Mario was left feeling, more than ever, the gap left in his soul by the absence of Smash-Up. Whenever something was weighing on his mind, he reflected, it had always done him good to work his worries off on the Smash-Up field. Initially, the rehearsal sessions for the play had provided, not a perfect substitute, but at least a somewhat-workable alternative, but now that the play was over, he didn't even have that to distract him from his nagging worries, from terrifying visions of Roy getting cornered by floows down some dark, Wave-Existence-forsaken alleyway...

It was almost enough for him to be thankful for the rapidly-increasing difficulty of their classes. A substitute much poorer than rehearsing the play, but it was something nonetheless. Perhaps the culmination of this was when Simon Belmon introduced one class by announcing he'd be teaching them to resist mind control in the most hands-on way possible- attempting to control their minds and seeing how well they could throw it off.

Zelda, in particular, found this idea pretty uncomfortable. Not to say she was the only one, by any means, but she _was _the only one to actively object to Simon himself over it. "Y-you're kidding, right?" she stammered just after Simon's announcement. "That's a joke, isn't it?"

Simon's only response was to turn and stare at her, silent, but with the clear message- _Do I LOOK like I'm joking?_

Zelda, shaking, changed tactics. "But... but you said it was illegal- the worst, most horrible thing a smasher could do to another-"

"And that's _why _I'm teaching you," Simon growled out. "Tell you what- you don't have to learn how to throw it off. When we're going around, learning how to keep our own wills, I'll pass over you, but then, when some demonic son of a b**** gets the drop on you and forces you to kill your friends in every way you know they fear, only allowing you to come to yourself as you stand over their broken, dying bodies..."

Simon didn't finish his sentence, but he didn't need to- Zelda shook her head and didn't object again, prompting Mario and Link to raise their eyebrows. _Wow, harsh._

And so it came to be that nobody raised any further objections as Simon called them all up, one by one, to be subjected to mind control for the first (though, as Simon said, certainly not the last,) time. Mario grew increasingly nervous as they went- nobody seemed to be able to throw Simon's control off at all. Under his command, they did things either extraordinary, or extraordinarily foolish, that they'd be neither capable of nor willing to do under ordinary circumstances, from Bowser Dragmire yodeling in an extremely over-the-top pseudo-German accent, to Zelda turning herself into Sheik to recite a few of Tyler Durden's speeches from Fight Club while doing double-dutch skip-roping. (Ropes being swung by Wario and Waluigi.) Probably the least humiliating thing anyone had to do was when Luigi picked up a skull from the desk and recited the 'Alas, Poor Yorick' scene from Hamlet. As far as the person who came closest to throwing it off, Mario would have to give that one to Ness, who stumbled and fell as Simon forced him to re-enact the bullet-dodging scene from the first Matrix film, but even then, Mario wasn't sure whether that was Ness's prowess and avoiding mind control, or simple lack of coordination.

Finally, the inevitable happened, and Simon called out, "Mario Mario!"

Mario found himself shaking slightly as he stood up, but managed to hide it fairly well as he made his way to the front of the class. Simon gave him a look-over, paused for a moment, no doubt considering what stupid or out-of-character thing he was going to make him do, before finally cracking his whip.

Instantly, Mario's mind cleared. All thoughts of the past, present, or future vanished, along with any and all worries, fears, and joys. He felt like he'd entered a state of bliss in which nothing existed- not even his own thoughts, only his immediate, current existence.

Into this state of emptiness, he heard Simon Belmont's voice, drifting through the nothingness... "Give me the Joker's speech from the Dark Knight..."

Mario immediately took a speech-giving stance (whatever that looks like,) and began to speak. "You want to know how I got these scars?" he declared, not directing said speech at anyone in particular. "My father... was a drinker... and a..."

His voice faltered. Another voice was speaking in his mind- his own voice. "The heck are you saying? Your Dad was a great guy, not some abusive prick!"

Simon's voice intervened. "It's just a quote... ignore him, keep going..."

Mario's inner voice interrupted. "Shut up, old man!" it backsassed. "I know what's best! Besides, Mario, you're the straight man, aren't you? You're supposed to snark about other people quoting things like that, not do it yourself!"

Mario was stammering at this point. "And a... fiend... one night, he... he..."

"Come on, who do you think you are, succumbing to a bit of mind control like this?!" his inner voice continued its objections. "This guy's got nothing! You don't have to listen to him!"

"He... went off... c-c...c..."

"You're your own person! Remind me! Who... are... you?!"

"I...I... I'm Mario... freaking... _MARIO!_" Mario shouted. And, abruptly, everything came rushing back- he remembered where he was, and what was going on. He also happened to register a searing pain coursing through his left arm. Looking down, he saw his right hand, coated with flames, pressed against his left elbow, pushing the flames as far into his skin as it could. Upon realizing this, he immediately withdrew his hand and extinguished the flames. Good thing he was a pyromancer, he thought, or that could have caused some real harm to him...

Simon, meanwhile, was giving a wide grin. "Fan-tucking-fastic!" he whooped. "Mario Mario, you just about beat my mind control! I mean, operating on instinct and causing yourself harm to break yourself out of it... unorthodox, but effective! I've got a good feeling about you, boy- give it enough time, and you oughtta be able to throw it off without hurting yourself! Come on, let's go again..."

And so it came to be that Simon kept attempting more mind control on him, attempting to coerce him to do increasingly dumber and dumber things. As it went on, Mario began to fight back, harder and harder, until finally, Simon cracked his whip and Mario managed to resist going into that state of bliss in the first place. Simon was very pleased.

XXXX

Mario, however, was less so, nursing several burns on himself as they made their way out of the class. While he was eventually able to throw it off with just his mind, for many times prior to that, his body, seemingly acting on instinct, had been unable to think of any other way to free him from his control without pressing more fire into another part of his body. His lower abdomen, left arm, and legs seemed to have taken the brunt of his self-harm, and he was moving somewhat jerkily as they headed out and into the mansion's halls. "You know," he muttered, "I know there _is _a realistic chance of getting attacked at some point in our lives, but to hear this guy talk, there's someone around every corner waiting to ambush us..."

"You're telling me," Link agreed, his ears red from his own task of skipping around the room singing the theme song to _Barney the Dinosaur. _"Freaking paranoiac."

Which was quite something to say considering Link himself looked nervously over his shoulder as he said this, as though expecting Simon to emerge from a wall.

Next class was transformation, where Samus stood at the head of the classroom and gave them all a very stern look. "This year is a very important year for all of you," she announced. "It's not that long from now that your A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests will be coming up, so-"

"The A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests?!" Diddy cried out, looking up at their teacher in horror. "But those aren't until fifth year, right?"

"True, but they are extremely important, with the ability to affect the outcome of your entire education!" Samus rejoined. "You don't want to fail these tests, trust me- they are more important than any other tests you'll take in your school career!"

Mario, meanwhile, was trying to make sense of the name. "A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S.?" he asked, raising his eyebrows at Zelda. "The heck does that stand for?"

"Oh, that," Zelda answered. "_A_ssessment for the-"

"Are you paying attention, Ms. Hyrule?" Samus broke in, glaring daggers at her. "I understand you are typically at the top of the class, but I can't allow even you to slack off at this critical point in your education!"

XXXX

Next class was Psychic Powers, where Mario and Link spent the whole hour sitting in the back and struggling not to laugh as Lucario heaped praise on their grim predictions, and was torn between commending them and reprimanding them for the calm acceptance with which they were facing their rather macabre destinies. The amusement factor ended when Lucario asked them to do the same for the next month- after all, there were only so many travesties that could befall one person, right?

And then there was History of Smashing. Most of you are probably aware of this one by now, but History of Smashing was one of Mario's three least favorite classes- History of Smashing, Psychic Powers, and Power-Ups. We've explained Psychic Powers already, and we'll get around to Power-Ups in a minute, but as for History of Smashing, it was easily the most boring class offered at the Smash Mansion. It was almost embarrassing, in a way- the teacher was a ghost, Professor Andonuts, who had led a life exciting enough for rumors to circulate that he'd inspired most of Quentin Tarantino's work, and this year they were focusing on the many wars between smashers and goombas- it should have been quite an intriguing subject, but Professor Andonuts simply did _not _have it in him to teach a single exciting class- he just sat up there, droning on and on, making even the highest points of intrigue sound like a sales pitch for dry plaster.

Now, as promised, your update on what was going on in power-ups class. This year, Wolf had decided to focus on teaching his class about poisons- namely, how to make antidotes. Mario wasn't sure whether he believed Wolf's announcement that he'd be testing their antidotes by poisoning the students directly, but he certainly wouldn't put it past him to try, so he focused harder than ever as Wolf taught them to mix shroom shakes. Pikachu was beginning to teach his class the fine art of 'requipping,' or calling armor and weapons to you from hammerspace. Link, as one would suspect, was a natural at this, given his special power- for once, he mastered it faster than Zelda did, though she wasn't far behind. Mario sighed, feeling left in the dust as he failed to switch out so much as a sock.

One might have thought that Crazy would go a little easy on his students- he was typically thought of as an easy-going guy, after all- but no, he was adding onto the workload as well. The Ultimate Chimaeras were growing even faster than he'd projected, so he'd come up with the _brilliant _idea (emphasis mine) to call different members of the class down to his cabin on alternate evenings for some one-on-one time with the creatures, reasoning that it would form a bond between his students and his new pets. Try explaining _that _one to Bowser Dragmire.

"Uh-uh, ain't happenin', fool," Bowser shook his head fervently when Crazy pitched the idea to his class. "Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't no way I'm gonna deal with these freaks of nature on my 'me' time on _top _of in classes!"

Slowly, Crazy turned on Bowser. And then, he began to rub his fingers together. "Youz know what I be doin' right now, Longmire?" he demanded. "Youz know what dis be?"

Bowser, raising an eyebrow in confusion, shook his head. "I be playin' a sad song on da world's teeniest violin, all fur ya! Youz remember when you got dat detention, back in first years? Iz say now what I say den! Iz no make you do nuttin', but Iz be sayin', Bell-monty-mole take me aside da udder day, say if you be givin' me trouble, I talk ta him 'bout it!"

Bowser, remembering the incident of a couple chapters ago, blanched and spoke no more. Mario, Link, and Zelda quietly pumped their fists- it was a surprisingly harsh rant from the Crazy Hand, but after all the crud Bowser had attempted to pull the previous year, they were glad to see Crazy reasserting himself, even if it _did _mean extra nights with those chimaeras.

XXXX

The next day, Mario and Link arrived in the hub to find all of Nintendo hustling to get a look at the notice board. "Hey, Link," he muttered quietly. "Think you can see what the board says?"

"Oh, is da widdle pwumber too short to see da notice board?" Link smirked.

"Da widdle pwumber is about to shove a handful of fire up da big swordsman's butt if he doesn't read the freaking board," Mario grimaced back.

Link, snickering, stood on his tiptoes and craned his neck to see over the crowd. "Every day I'm hustling, hustling," he sang quietly to himself. "Alright... oh, sweet, Mycrowsoft and Sohnee are coming next week! Gonna be a big feast and everything!"

"Awesome!" came another voice, drawing both students' attention to where Lucas was standing, observing the board as well. "That's when everyone who wants to enter will be submitting their names, too! I should go tell Donkey Kong..."

"Wait, what?" Mario asked, his eyebrows rising up through his hair, finally coming to hover just over his head.

"Oh, Donkey Kong- he's planning on entering," Lucas explained.

"Well, yeah, I figured that, it's just... what are you doing in our hub?"

"What?" Lucas asked, taken aback. "Wait- you know, that's a good point... when did I get into the Nintendo hub?"

"Freaking Gamer4..." Mario muttered, rubbing his forehead agitatedly. "You know, it would've taken, like, three seconds to just change the location of the notice board from our hub to the foyer or something, if you wanted to have Lucas in this scene!"

Hey, don't look at me, it's Lucas that somehow stumbled into the hub!

"Sorry, guys," Lucas muttered quietly. "I'll just get going, now..." And with that, he headed out of the hub. Yeah, hang your head in shame even lower, bringing contradictions into _my _story!

"Oh, like you don't cause enough of those yourself," Mario grumbled back.

"What's going on?" came Zelda's voice, drawing Mario and Link's attention to where she'd just entered.

"Oh, just the narrator being a winnicott, as usual," Mario shrugged.

"And Donkey Kong's apparently going to be volunteering as tribute for the Console Games," Link put in. "Holy Wave Existence, there's no way he can get it... I wouldn't be able to stand that idiot representing the Smash Bros..."

"Oh, come on, Link, he's not that bad," Zelda reprimanded. "You just don't like him over a petty sports rivalry- the Word on the Wind says that he's almost a straight-A student, and he's a prefect, too, so he _can't _be _all _bad."

"And I suppose that six-pack he's sporting hasn't influenced your judgement at all?" Link intimated, his arms crossing.

"_Excuse _me?" Zelda gasped, sounding offended. "I do _not _base my assumptions of people based on outward appearances!"

"So you're saying you liked Tingle for his charming personality?" Link shot back.

Zelda opened and closed her mouth for a while, before simply saying, "Screw you."

Link smirked. "You know, if that's the kind of guy you're into, I'm sure I could oblige..."

"Screw you."

"In fact, I'm getting the urge to go on a blackmailing spree right now- mind if I erase your memory first, Mario?"

"SCREW YOU!"

XXXX

For the remainder of the following week, only three words were on everybody's lips, no matter where Mario went in his efforts to escape it- _The Console Games. _It was all anybody talked about, in the halls, in the hubs, in the dorms, at meals, in the bathrooms, in quiet voices while the teachers were trying to give their lectures... Who's trying out for Smash Bros. Champion? What are Mycrowsoft and Sohnee like? How different are they from us? How similar? What would the games themselves involve? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?

The staff, meanwhile, had their own way of expressing themselves as the date of arrival ticked ever closer. It was pretty clear that they were all determined to make a good impression- it reminded Mario of what Rusl had said about the smashers' flare for the dramatic, back at the Smash-Up Grand Prix. Conversations such as the following excerpt between Samus and Luigi became very dominant:

Samus: Now, Luigi, the people from Mycrowsoft tend to be very elitist. Think of them like Youtube comments, or AFOSB- show any sign of weakness, and they'll pounce on it.

Luigi (Sounding somewhat off-put): Yes, ma'am.

Samus: That said, I hope you'll understand it when I ask you not to try any transformation smashing while they're here, alright?

Luigi (head hanging): Yes, ma'am.

Samus: And don't try to make any power-ups if there's anyone from Mycrowsoft too near, either.

Luigi: Yes, ma'am.

Samus: And certainly don't try to use any weapons- those people are highly trained in weapons, and very proud of their guns. They'll be lording it over us enough with that without you failing to so much as throw a boomerang.

Luigi: Yes, ma'am.

Samus: In fact, unless there's a Track and Field competition, it might just be best if you don't use any powers at all while they're here.

Luigi: Yes, ma'am...

And, hard as it may be to believe, Samus was one of the nicer teachers in that fateful week. At the other end of the scale, however, was Mido the caretaker, who was working quadruple-overtime to clean up every spot in the whole building. So much as sitting on chairs during class was becoming an offence to him now, an offence that, he assured them, would be punishable by death if the school were run by a proper headmaster, but which he'd have to settle for detention in the meantime.

XXXX

Finally, the day of The Arrival dawned. It was easy to tell what day it was when Mario descended into the Dining Hall to find the whole thing decked out like a Smash Bros. Pride Parade- the walls were coated with banners representing each group, from Nintendo's roaring lion to Hal's dog sleeping on eggs to Retro's lightning-themed R to Sierra's triangled-out mountains. At the head of the hall, behind the staff table, was a banner larger than all the rest, containing all four symbols surrounding the central seal- the circle with the lines near the left and bottom, the symbol of the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing.

"Hope they didn't blow the budget for this," Mario commented as he, Link, and Zelda began their breakfasts.

As Mario poured some sugar onto a bowl of cheerios, he glanced across the table, and raised a single eyebrow in surprise. On the other side, sitting a few seats down from them, were Kirby and Meta Knight, gazing intently at a sheet of paper, talking in quiet voices, and without Teddy Ellay anywhere nearby. This struck him as very un-Kirby-and-Meta-like behavior. Usually, they were loud, in the thick of things, and rarely without Teddy in their party. Listening somewhat passively, he caught them saying, "Yeah, it sucks, I agree, but if he's gonna keep being a little winnicott about it, we're gonna have to do something. He's coming tonight, we'll have to corner him- he can't keep dodging us forever..."

"Who?" came another voice, speaking much louder than them. Mario closed his eyes- Link had noticed them too. "Who's trying to dodge you?"

"You know, little brother," Meta noted, quickly folding the paper as he and Kirby looked up at their assailant, "You sometimes just make it too easy."

"What do you mean?" Link asked, eyebrows raising. "And what sucks?"

"That there was another child born between us and Peach," Kirby retorted, sounding uncharacteristically agitated. "Back off, why don't ya?"

Mario, noting the rising tension between the Faron children, intervened. "So, Kirby, Meta, how's the plot to enter the Console Games goin'? Any bright ideas yet?"

"None as of yet," they shook their heads. "Not enough info- we tried asking Samus who this judge is supposed to be, she just gave us that look and redirected us towards our work."

"Well, let us know if you figure anything out," Link muttered, doing his best to let past transgressions die, and returning to his breakfast. "I mean, come on, Mario, Zelda and I have done plenty of dangerous things before, and the Master Hand said that they're going to have precautions this year anyways- if one of us got picked, we'd have it in the bag!"

"Yeah, I'm not sure it'll be as easy as you think," Kirby and Meta shook their heads.

"For one thing, you were always alone before," Kirby pointed out.

"But in _this _tourney, you'll have a panel of judges watching and judging your every move," Meta affirmed.

"As judges tend to do," Mario pointed out. "So, who'll these judges be?"

"Heck if we know!"

"Well, I couldn't say who they'll all be," Zelda interjected, "but I can at least say that three of them will be the heads of the schools."

"What makes you say that?" Meta asked.

"One of the first Console Games involved a task where the champions had to fight a Giga Koopa. All three of the headmasters nearly died, so ever since then, they've been on the panel," Zelda explained. Sighing at all the blank stares she was getting, she grunted, "_History of the Smash Mansion, _chapter VII. Not that that book can always be taken as gospel, of course- it tends to leave out the less appealing aspects of this school..."

"Oh, Wave Existence, take me now," Mario muttered, slowly lowering his head into his hands, willing Kirby and Meta Knight not to ask-

"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Zelda?"

Oh, boy.

"YOSHIS!" Zelda bellowed. "I mean, we're talking a book with over 2000 pages here, and not once do they even _insinuate _that the stability of the whole frakking mansion depends on a yoshi slave force!"

Mario and Link met each other's eyes, and immediately set to work keeping themselves as far removed from this conversation as humanly possible. Yup, Zelda was still on the warpath with that one. Both boys did nothing whatsoever to encourage her, but they didn't have the guts to actively discourage her either, which seemed to have been something of a mistake- with nothing to stop her, her ideas for SOYLENT just kept building up a bigger and bigger head of steam. Their biggest mistake, in Mario's opinion, had been buying a badge each to get them to stop glaring at them, but that seemed to be all the encouragement she'd needed- now she insisted they wear the badges, and pester others to join as well.

As far as other students went, they seemed to fall mainly into three camps- Camp 1: The Luigi Camp, belonged to students that had joined SOYLENT just to get Zelda to stop glaring at them. Camp 2: The Saria Camp, belonged to students who seemed pretty interested in it initially, but started falling out of grace with the group when Zelda got angry at them for not being as fired up about it as she was. Finally, Camp 3: The Everybody Else Camp, considered it to basically be one big joke, which Mario couldn't help but feel that Zelda had brought this one on herself by giving the organization such a ridiculous name.

So, perhaps you're wondering where Kirby and Meta Knight stood in all this? Truthfully, they didn't really belong to any of the above. They knew Zelda well enough to take her seriously, but they were neither intimidated enough by her, nor interested enough in her goals, to join. As evidenced in that very conversation.

"Look, Zelda," Kirby started off. "We've been down to the kitchens a _crudton _of times to get some food and snacks. What about you?"

"Of course I haven't- students aren't allowed-"

"And, of course, the rules have always stopped you three before, right?" Meta smirked, silencing Zelda immediately. "Anyways, we've met those yoshis- they're happy. They think they've got the best job in the world. Heck, we even offered them some money once, just to see what would happen- they turned it down, said only no-good hippies accept handouts."

"Holy Wave Existence, it's even worse than I thought," Zelda shook her head. "I didn't realize the Master Hand, of all people, would resort to brainwashing!"

Any further conversation was brought to a close as a *whooshing* sound filled the hallway, signaling the arrival of the mail. Looking up on instinct, Mario was delighted to see Parakarry among the albatrosses flocking in. "Wow, that was much quicker!" he smiled as the albatross dropped down in front of him. Link and Zelda both closed in, watching and listening intently as Mario opened the letter.

_Yeah, not your best fib there, Mario._

_I appreciate your concern- I really do- but you don't need to worry about me. I'm hiding out in an abandoned warehouse, used to belong to some company called Deliberate Location Cleansing, DLC for short. Nobody should find me here._

_That said, keep sending me news. Anything unusual happens at the Smash Bros., let me know right away. Don't keep using Parakarry either- too suspicious. If you ever need me, I'll be near._

_Your Loving Godfather,_

_Strider._

Mario concluded the letter, and proceeded to burn it in his hands- didn't want anyone finding out where Roy was hiding. In the meantime, he began to struggle with his feelings, trying to decide if he felt better or worse than before. On the one hand, Roy was back in the lion's den, but on the other, he seemed to have found a nice place to lay low, and he'd be the first to admit it would be nice to not have to wait a full month every time he wrote him for a reply.

"Nice job, Parakarry," he smiled, stroking said albatross, who was resting on his shoulder. "But I think I need to send another letter, now-"

Parakarry leapt off his shoulder, and flew away. A moment later, he was back, dropping a DVD case in Mario's lap before taking off out of the Dining Hall. Mario glanced at said case, and laughed- Alfred Hitchcock's _The Birds. _"Think he's trying to tell you something?" Link chortled, seeing this as well.

XXXX

There wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of anyone paying attention in class that day- everyone was too excited for that blessed moment when the students from their competing schools would arrive. Most teachers didn't even try to reign in their students' excitement. One of the ones who did was Wolf, but he didn't have as much time to teach Mario's class as usual anyways, leading to a great deal of excited cheering as the bell rang, signaling the early end of power-ups class. Soon enough, everyone in the mansion was congregating on the grounds, eagerly looking around for whatever mode of transportation would be utilized by the new arrivals.

"So, how're they getting here?" Link wondered out loud as the sun began to sink beneath the horizon. "Karts?"

"Doubt it," Zelda shook her head. "One does not simply drive a kart onto Smash Bros. ground..."

"Whir-Gate, then? Or teleportation?" Link suggested.

"Same problem," Zelda pointed out. "Geez, haven't I told you enough that you can't teleport onto our grounds?"

Mario was starting to get cold- he increased his body heat, only to drop it back down when both Link and Zelda started to cling to him for warmth. He didn't know much about these other schools, but if they could hurry up, that would be just swell in his book...

Finally, the Master Hand floated into the air. "Ah! Sohnee is the first to arrive!"

"Where?" was the rallying cry among the students, looking everywhere from the sky to the gates at the edge of the grounds. "Where are they?"

"The lake!" came a call from someone near said body of water, drawing everyone's attention to it.

A large, dark shadow was forming beneath the water. Finally, a large mass began to rise, water clinging to it but ultimately succumbing to gravity and sliding back into the lake, ultimately revealing a submarine of gigantic proportions, with large writing on the side declaring it the _ELSA. _Slowly, it pulled over to a nearby dock.

As everyone watched in awe, a hatch on the top opened, and a large man came out. He was very well-muscled, dressed in a t-shirt, worker's gloves, and jeans. A baseball cap on his head bore the caption, _Caution, I am a boozer! Banzai! Banzai! _Looking out at everyone, he grinned and called out, in a thick Brooklyn accent, "May I be the first to introduce all of ya to- the Sohnee Academy of Smashing!"

From there, the entire top of the submarine split open down the middle, (hotdog style, not hamburger,) and opened up wide, providing some stairs for the large crowd of smashers now disembarking from it. At the head of them all was... a wolf.

Mario's jaw dropped. Wolf was right- but this wasn't just an ordinary wolf you'd find in any zoo. This wolf was gigantic, with a majestic pelt whiter than snow. However, said pelt wasn't pure white- lines of blood red ran around it, forming intricate patterns and designs. Floating over the Wolf's shoulders was a magnificent, round mirror, wreathed in majestic flames, and the wolf itself seemed to exude an aura of power that demanded the respect of anyone its eyes fell upon. True, it wasn't an anthropomorphic wolf, like the Wolf Mario knew, but it demanded even more respect, just by being present.

The Master Hand began to clap with his thumb against his fingers, and the students began to follow his lead. He only stopped when the wolf paused in front of him, whereupon he sunk into the closest thing a hand could likely manage to a bow. "Okami Amaterasu," he spoke reverently. "It's an honor."

The wolf rose itself up, placing its forepaws on the old Hand, and licked his fingers gently. "It's always a pleasure, Master Hand," it spoke- with a voice that was clearly female, with a faint Asian accent. "Believe me, the honor is all mine."

As the students of Sohnee gathered behind her, she motioned to them with her tail. "My students," she explained, somewhat unnecessarily. Mario's eyes were drawn to the dozen or so students that she'd brought. The male/female ratio was pretty even, including two young women who were standing close together, one with red hair and dressed in an orange and blue uniform of sorts, the other with long blue hair and blood-red eyes. Nearby to them were two students that Mario could peg as familiar, but couldn't exactly place- a well-muscled young man in some sort of black military clothing, alongside another young man in a white lab coat and with rectangular glasses. Aside from them was a very angry-looking youth with a goatee and skin almost whiter than Amaterasu's, covered in scars that Mario could see very easily because the only clothing he had on was a red loincloth of sorts. He kept two swords that looked more like overlarge knives _chained to his arms-_ Mario shuddered. He could sympathize with not wanting to lose one's power controller, but chaining them to your _arms? _This very intimidating-looking young man was in conversation with another young woman with dark hair, a white top, and a strange sort of half-skirt- as in, it looked like she'd put on a skirt that had then been cut in half cleanly down the middle, covering only one leg. Beneath that were dark boots.

At this point, Mario's observation of Sohnee's delegates was cut off by Amaterasu asking of the Master Hand, "Is the Chief here yet?"

"No, you arrived somewhat in advance," the Master Hand shook himself. "So, while we wait, do you want to step inside and warm up, or wait out here for him?"

"I think we'll step inside," Amaterasu decided. "It's been a long journey." As she began to lead her students in, she abruptly turned and added, "Oh, by the way, Matthew-" (Presumably bringing a blush to the Master Hand's not-cheeks, covered up by his glove,) "-we found a strange man on the way here- he is tall and without a face. He kept asking us to bring him with us to this mansion- could you deal with him?"

"Oh..." the Master Hand seemed taken aback. "Um... where is he now?"

"Asleep in the _ELSA."_

"Well, let's just leave him there- we can deal with him later."

Mario closed his eyes in sheer exasperation. _Oh, great, he's already back..._

With that, Amaterasu led her students up the hill and into the mansion, leaving everyone else looking excitedly around, waiting for the fateful moment when Mycrowsoft arrived with their own delegates. Nobody was entirely certain _where _to look at this point- if Sohnee had arrived from the lake, that pretty much set the precedent that Mycrowsoft could come from just about anywhere...

"Do you hear that?" came a cry from the crowd. Everyone listened, and heard a low humming sound.

"Look, in the sky!" came another cry, drawing everyone's attention to the large shape forming there.

"It's a bird!" shouted Maya Fey, from Hal.

"It's a plane!" came Pichu's input.

"It's a frog!" came the gleeful shout of Waluigi of Sierra.

"It ain't no frog, foo'!" Bowser growled, reaching out and dragging Waluigi back into the crowd. "That's a freaking halo!"

Loathe as Mario was to admit it, Bowser's guess was the closest- the gigantic shape in the sky seemed to be a spacecraft of some sort, shaped like a gigantic ring that one could, potentially, construe as a halo. It came down to float right near the lakeside, not far from where Sohnee's submarine had emerged. From there, a door on the side opened, and a set of steps descended, almost like something from _Close Encounters of the Third Kind. _Everyone watched apprehensively as another group began making their way out of the large ring. At first, Mario thought that they were all large and bulky, but then he realized that this was due less to their actual frames, and more to the large suits that they were wearing- large, made of what, from this distance, could be either metal or leather, bulky, orange, and with a mysterious lambda symbol on the chest. The apparent headmaster, however, was the exception, dressed in a more unique spacesuit- well, we say unique, but it was actually pretty... brown. He carried a large rifle of some sort at his side, and was the only one present wearing a helmet, which more or less resembled a biker helmet with an orange visor completely obscuring his face.

"Ah, Matthew," this man said as he approached the Master Hand, and Mario found himself bristling- he didn't like the way this man was addressing his headmaster. The Master Hand's real name _was _Matthew, true, but where Amaterasu had used the name affectionately, this new arrival seemed to be using it as if the simple greeting were a competition he intended to dominate. "I hope you're well."

If the Master Hand himself noticed it, he didn't show it. "Very well, thanks for asking, Master Chief," he responded. "As I'm sure you've noticed, Okami Amaterasu and her delegates have already arrived."

"I _did _notice that, as a matter of fact," the Master Chief, apparently, replied. Looking up at the mansion, he spoke once more. "Ah, good Smash Mansion. Mind if we just go on in, Matthew? Sonic developed a bit of a head cold on the way here..."

And, as one, the entire crowd all snapped to attention, raking their eyes through the formation of HEV-suit wearing students. Sure enough, one of them was currently removing said suit, and, with it off, it became clear- he was an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog, wearing large white gloves and red shoes...

"Mario!" Link cried, his voice rising several octaves. "Mario! It's him! It's really him! It's Sonic the Hedgehog!"

XXXX

Oh, I've been looking forward to this chapter for so long, you guys don't even _know. _And, yes, as of this chapter, let it be known that from here on out, I am no longer restricting myself to Nintendo characters! From here on out, any character that's appeared in a video game is fair... game! (I sincerely wish I could have thought of a better way to word that...) Of course, Nintendo gets priority, but from here on, the options open up quite a bit!

That said, here's a quick overview of the gameplan for the next couple weeks- I'm starting a part-time job soon, so I'll be doing my best to get content out while I still can. That said, my goal is to get, at the very least, the next chapter of _Unexpected Drama _done before then, along with two chapters for this story- a random quicky and the next real chapter! Awkward as it seems, the random quicky _will _be coming first, for reasons that will make sense when it goes up- it's another concept that I've had in mind for a while. If all goes well, then said random quicky will be up next week, but, as usual, I really shouldn't say such a thing- fate is a fickle friend- as much as it can be called a friend at all. In the meantime, though, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!

P.S.: Is anyone else having trouble with the document uploader? For the past few weeks, every time I try to upload these chapters normally, the site won't take them- I have to resort to copy-and-pasting them in. Not a huge problem, but it does raise a couple of other minor issues, so I just wanted to see if anyone else was having that problem, too. This time for real, Gamer4 out.


	19. The Bottle of Lightning

Gamer4 in. *Sighs.* Five years of searching, I finally find a reasonably priced first two volumes of _Neon Genesis Evangelion, _I take them down here to cherish them as I write, and I set them down on the aforementioned dead flies. Well, at least the disks should be alright... *Sighs again.* Anyways, I guess it's time to address the not-elephant in this not-room- last chapter, I said a random quicky would be coming up next, but this chapter is noticeably _not. _Well, as much as I'd like to say something like 'I was just too excited to start this chapter to slow it down with a random quicky,' (and I _am _very excited to get this one started,) that's not the reason. The fact is, I actually had half of the random quicky typed out when I looked over it and realized... it was simply nowhere near as good, either in concept or in execution, as I'd initially thought. The whole thing was crude and offensive, on top of being derivative even by _my _standards, as it was more or less an idea I already used only a few months ago. Overall, it simply turned out to not be worth the time to write it or read it, so it has become the second random quicky to be delegated to the 'random quicky trash bin,' the final resting place of bad random quicky ideas. Anyways, like I said, I'm excited to dive into this next chapter, so let's... dive in!

Disclaimer: then, in a blaze of tangled hooves, he gallops off across the dusty plains, in vain, to search again, where no one will hear...

Chapter XVI

The Bottle of Lightning

"Holy crud, I don't believe it Mario!" Link squealed, rocking back and forth on Mario's shoulder like an overexcited kid. "Sonic! Sonic! Sonic the frakkin' _Hedgehog!_"

"Will you _relax, _already?" Zelda intervened, wrenching him off of Mario, much to the latter's relief- Link was a good two feet taller than him, after all. "I get that he's famous, but still, he only plays Smash-Up!"

"_Only plays Smash-Up?_" Link gasped, staring at her in shock. "_ONLY PLAYS SMASH-UP?! _Zelda, that's like... that's like saying Van Gogh 'only' painted, or that the Beatles 'only' made music! Or- who's that guy you were talking about? It's like saying... er... _Markiplier_ 'only' makes Youtube videos!"

Zelda gasped, raising a hand to her chest. "You do _not _put those things on the same level!"

"Oh, yes you do!" Link nodded earnestly. "Sonic is the Van Gogh Beatles _Markiplier _of Smash-Up! And... to find out he's still in school? That's just... _amazing!_"

Everyone who was outside began making their way back into the mansion. Mario cast his eyes around and saw that Link was far from alone in fanboying over Sonic- Teddy Ellay had picked up Kirby and Meta Knight in his muscular arms and was strangling them in his excitement as he leapt up and down for sheer joy. On the fan_girl _side of things, Saria and Fado Kokiri had formed a small circle with Ilia and a couple girls Mario didn't recognize off the top of his head, and were pestering each other for things for Sonic to sign.

"Oh, really," Zelda spoke loftily, brushing her hair aside and raising her nose into the air as she strode by. "Am I the only one in this school who can keep her head?"

Link, meanwhile, prompted by the aforementioned conversation, was rummaging through his pockets. "Crud, don't even have any pens on me in _hammerspace_. Mario, you got anything?" No response. Link looked up at his friend. "Mario? Still with me?"

"Oh, sorry," Mario quickly responded, putting down a video camera he'd previously had trained on Zelda. "Just taking some video to show Zelda next time she says she doesn't have a high horse."

"Who cares about that?" Link shook his head. "Come on, tell me you have a pen to lend your good friend in his time of need!"

"Sorry, bro, I left all my stuff up in the hub," Mario shrugged, leaving Link disgruntled.

Eventually, everbody started to kongregate in the Dining Hall. Mario glanced at the parties from Mycrowsoft and Sohnee. Mycrowsoft hadn't yet seated themselves- they were too busy removing their HEV suits, revealing more standard clothing underneath. Sohnee, however, seemed to have wasted no time making themselves at home at the Retro table- Mario could see Shulk Clairvoya greeting them on an individual basis. What was he, Retro's mascot? Two of the girls he'd noticed earlier smiled and greeted him formally, the exception being the one with the blue hair, who simply tilted her head slightly. The intimidating guy in the loincloth and an eternal grimace simply glared when Shulk offered his hand, while the boy in the military uniform made a big show out of it.

"Odd people, huh?" Zelda thought out loud, raising an eyebrow at them.

"Who cares about them?" Link hissed. "Get out of the way, Zelda, make some room!"

"What's gotten into you?" Zelda asked, turning her raised eyebrow on him.

"Crud... too late," Link muttered, staring as Mycrowsoft made their way over to the Sierra table. Mario could see Lucina, Robin, and Bowser from his vantage point. Lucina greeted whoever happened to speak to her directly, while Robin was more outgoing, smiling and greeting as many people as he (he was a boy at the moment) could. Bowser, however, had eyes only for one of them- Sonic the Hedgehog, who he beckoned over to his seat. To Mario's passive anger, Sonic assumed said seat. To his slight satisfaction, however, Sonic seemed, largely, to be ignoring Bowser's desperate attempts to strike up a conversation in favor of taking in the Dining Hall- he seemed pretty impressed.

"Oh, yeah, yuck it up over there, Bowser," Link growled, unadulterated rage and envy in his eyes. "Sonic's seen enough fans to tell a real one from some putz just buttering him up..."

Mario's eyes, meanwhile, were drawn to the head of the hall, where Mido (wearing a white dress shirt and black pants that were a few sizes too large for him, and apparently kept in the same closet as Mido's pet moths) was setting out several extra chairs from the storeroom off to the side. "Think they have enough chairs up there?" he wondered out loud, raising his eyebrows. "I know Okami Amaterasu and the Master Chief are sitting up there, but who else?"

Link, on the other hand, was too busy staring at Sonic, enough that Mario was starting to feel that Zelda's withering gaze was actually somewhat justified.

Finally, Okami Amaterasu and the Master Chief appeared in the doorway, and began making their way up the hall. Neither had changed from before- unlike his students, the Master Chief hadn't removed his suit, or even his helmet. When he appeared, one of the Mycrowsoft students, wearing a military uniform even under his HEV suit, jumped to his feet and called out, "Ten-hut!" prompting all the other students to leap to their feet, with the exception of a strangely blocky-looking student wearing a gray shirt and jeans.

"Steve!" Sonic hissed at him, causing him to look around, realize what was going on, and jump to his feet as well.

"At ease, Captain Price!" the Master Chief barked, at which 'Price' gave another signal for the students to sit down, which they did.

"Geez, could they get anymore uptight?" Mario commented. Zelda shook her head- Link was still staring at Sonic.

Eventually, the Master Chief and Amaterasu finally got to the staff table, where they took their seats- Okami Amaterasu to his right, the Master Chief to his left. The Master Hand whispered a couple words to them both, presumably brief greetings, before heading up to his podium, where he cleared his non-existant throat to get everyone's attention. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he called out. "Boys, girls, anthros, ghosts, pokemon, and, above all, our illustrious guests! Welcome to our fair mansion! We have been looking forward to your arrival all year, and it gives me great pleasure to see you all arriving at last! In the months to come, we hope you will find our mansion to be a suitable replacement for your own homes!"

"We're cool with it!" came a call from the Retro table- Mario looked to see that it was the boy with the lab-coated friend, raising a fist in the air. A couple of his friends, the lab-coated boy included, gave a chuckle, but Zelda could only flash him an icy glare, especially as he flicked out what was unmistakably a cigarette and started puffing away on it.

"Who does that guy think he is?" she hissed.

The Master Hand, however, appeared not to notice. "We'll be opening the tournament at the end of the feast- and all this talking can wait until then, too! In the meantime, dig in!"

A towering feast appeared on all the tables- Mario was actually stunned. Even by Smash Bros. standards, it was amazing. There were all sorts of dishes everywhere, some of which he didn't even recognize. "What's that?" he asked, turning his gaze on some fried noodles of some sort. "Is that Top Ramen?"

"Who do you think cooked all this, Gamer flippin' four?" Zelda turned her withering gaze on him. "Of course not- that's yakisoba- Japanese fried noodles!"

"So... Ramen?"

"No, not even close!" Zelda objected. "You know what? Whatever."

Mario shrugged and began helping himself to his old standby of spaghetti. A little familiar, but he just couldn't get enough of it. Looking up, he saw that the students from the other schools actually seemed to be doing a good job of fitting right in at the Smash Mansion- if he hadn't seen them coming in, he wouldn't have been able to distinguish them from the regular students.

Eventually, the Crazy Hand pushed his way into the hall, with some not-so-subtle tears in his usual glove, revealing bandaging underneath. As he pushed his way up the hall past the Nintendo table, Mario had to ask, "Crazy? You alright, there?"

"Oh, it be goin' awesome, guyz! Dem Ultimate Chimaeras really be gettin' on in da world!"

"I'm sure they are!" Link smiled- which he dropped as soon as Crazy was out of earshot. "They certainly seem to be flourishing on your meat."

"Soylent Green is Crazy," Mario agreed.

"No, he's not SOYLENT Green, _I _am," Link pointed out, raising an eyebrow.

Mario sighed. "One of these days, Link, we're just gonna have a 'Pop Culture Weekend' and watch all these movies you need to see."

"You sound like Otacon," came a gravelly-sounding voice from nearby, turning everyone around. "Threatened me with a Bond night once- followed through on it, too."

It was the boy in the military uniform who'd been unable to keep it to himself during the Master Hand's speech- the one with the lab-coated friend. Up close, Mario was able to make out more of his features. He looked like a classic action hero, with a rough 5:00 shadow, the faintest hints of a moustache, and with a bandana over his long brown hair. His clothing was grey and military-style, as he'd noticed, but now that he looked, it put him in mind of GI Joe, almost, as though it were designed for sneaking missions. It left very little to the imagination- this guy had a six-pack he wasn't afraid to flaunt, only drawing slight attention away from the guns holstered at his sides and the cigarette still clenched between his teeth.

Seeing that Link and Zelda's jaws had both dropped, Mario decided to be the one who responded. "Who're you?" he asked politely, extending his hand.

"Solid Snake," the young man replied with a voice suggesting he'd gone through puberty at the age of four. He extended his hand and shook Mario's firmly enough that Mario had to rub it when it was returned- all the feeling had temporarily left it. "Heard you guys talking about yakisoba earlier, thought you might be willing to share some."

Mario glanced back at his comrades- Link was blinking wildly, while Zelda was blushing furiously. "Um, yeah, sure, have at it."

"Thanks, little bro," Snake grinned, accepting the yakisoba. "My favorite. I've eaten food from all over the world, and France is the best by far, but I feel like Japan is a close second- what about you?"

"Oh, yeah, Japan is great!" Zelda squeaked out. "Very interesting food!"

"I know, right?" Snake nodded back.

"And the cigarette?" Mario asked, remembering Zelda's earlier complaint about it.

"Oh, don't worry, slick," Snake brushed him aside. "Smokeless cigarette- purely visual, for anyone but yours truly. Anyways, see you guys around."

With that, he took the yakisoba and started back towards his table.

"Wow," Mario commented, glancing back at Zelda and seeing her still gazing after Snake, not unlike Link staring after Sonic. "He may not be a Smash-Up player, but apparently, his rippling pectoral muscles don't exactly hold him back, huh?"

"That... is not an ordinary man," Zelda gasped out. "Can't be- there must be something in the food, or-"

Link snapped out of it, and seemed somewhat irritable at the new direction of Zelda's attention. "Or maybe he's just an ordinary guy," he muttered. "I mean, come on, what was so special about him?"

"Didn't you _see _him? That face was like it was carved by angels!" As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Zelda covered her mouth with both hands, as though trying to take back that previous sentence, turning very violently red.

"Yeah, and you got on me for Sonic," Link muttered.

"Hey, look, a distraction!" Mario intervened. "Check out who just got here!"

Link and Zelda (Zelda somewhat grateful for said distraction) turned their attention to the head of the hall, where two new arrivals had... well, arrived. Sitting himself down next to Okami Amaterasu was short, little M.C. Ballyhoo, still wearing the same clothes from the Smash-Up Grand Prix, even unto his overlarge purple cap, and looking just as excited as he had then. Next to the Master Chief, meanwhile, sat Manfred von Karma, still in his extravagant clothing, looking just as severe and commanding as he had back then, as well as still bearing an uncanny resemblance to a parrot.

"Wonder what those guys are doing here?" Mario wondered out loud.

Zelda's speech was still a little stilted, but she answered nonetheless. "Well, they're the ones who put this whole thing together, aren't they? I guess they're here to oversee everything, make sure it goes off without a hitch..."

The rest of the feast passed by without anything else of note happening- Mario and his crew simply ate in silence until the moment when the Master Hand rose up once more. The plates all cleaned themselves, drawing everyone's attention to the head of the hall.

"The time has come!" the walrus said- er, I mean, the Master Hand declared. "In a few moments, we will be officially opening these games! Now, as Mido sets out to retrieve our impartial judge, I'd like to say a few words to open the ceremonies...

"To begin with- some of you may already be familiar with our guests, but for those of you who are not, I would like you to meet MC Ballyhoo, head of our Government's Sports Department, and Manfred von Karma, head of our Department of International Relations!"

A great deal of applause sounded off for Ballyhoo... not as much for von Karma. Mario thought he could see why- of course, there was always the comparison of their previous jobs (a famous brawler in a famous Smash-Up team vs. a prosecutor, after all,) but maybe it was also just that Ballyhoo seemed so much more likeable. Literally, the only part of his body that was visible was his gigantic grin, and he put on a show of dancing around and whooping as the students applauded him. Von Karma, by contrast, was simply intimidating, in a way that might make one feel applauding for him improperly would result in dire consequences- he responded to his introduction by bowing his head, closing his eyes, and gripping his arm tightly- he looked more annoyed than anything else.

The Master Hand continued. "They have both been working tirelessly to re-instate the Console Games, and will thusly be joining Okami Amaterasu, the Master Chief, and myself as judges for the tasks."

Which was all well and good, read the expression on everyone's faces, but the contestants? How are we picking the contestants?

The Master Hand must have picked up on this, because there was a slight smile in his voice as he spoke the following words: "Very well. Bring forth our impartial judge, Mido."

Everyone looked to see Mido at the entrance to the Dining Hall, reverently carrying an old, battered, weathered, piece-of-junk chest that Mario couldn't help but peg as familiar. He held it over his head as he walked up the aisle between the Hal and Retro tables, finally placing it gently in front of the Master Hand.

As Mido left, the Master Hand began to slowly open it, sudden music building to a crescendo, as four final notes heralded the Master Hand producing something from within the chest. A mysterious voice that Mario recognized as the Word on the Wind announced, "The Master Hand got the **_Bottle of Lightning!_**"

"There is something so familiar about all of this," Mario noted, looking around and wondering at this overwhelming sense of deja vu.

The Master Hand raised the object above the ground- it was a small, oval-shaped bottle, complete with a cork to keep it closed. It would have been entirely unremarkable, except for the large sphere of crackling electricity being kept within it. The lights around them were flickering, which Mario could only assume was for dramatic effect, as none of the lights within the mansion ran on electricity.

The Master Hand continued to speak as Mido returned, pushing a pedestal in front of him. "The rules of the Console Games have been examined by all three headmasters, as well as both Mr. Ballyhoo and Mr. von Karma. There will be three tasks throughout the school year, testing the contestants in a variety of different ways. Each contestant will be scored according to their achievements in these tasks, and the one with the most points at the end will walk away with eternal glory for their school! The contestants shall be chosen by this entirely non-biased fourth party... the Bottle of Lightning!"

As he spoke, he lay the bottle reverently on the pedestal, before abruptly gripping it and pulling off the cork. A bolt of lightning shot out of the opening, arcing above them and connecting to the roof, sounding off with an almighty crash of thunder.

"With that!" the Master Hand announced. "With that, the Console Games are officially open! From now until this time tomorrow night, the Bottle will be accepting the names of those aspiring to compete in the Console Games! Should you wish to submit yourself for consideration, write your name and school on a slip of paper, and cast it into the lightning! And then, tomorrow... we will see who is considered worthy."

Mario cast his eyes over to where Kirby and Meta Knight were already conversing wildly in secret. He then turned his eyes up towards the Master Hand, who spoke up again. "Now, I understand that some of you may wish to compete despite not fulfilling the age requirement. Though I may be inclined to sympathize with you, I must discourage you as well- thus, I will be drawing a line around the Bottle that will only admit students that have come of age- anyone younger than 17 will be unable to cross.

"Though I do not wish to end this night on a solemn note, unfortunate as it may be, my final words must be of caution- should you be chosen for the Console Games, you are obliged to see it through until the end. If you submit yourself, be certain that you are willing to play through each and every task before you do. Once your name comes out of that Bottle... there is no turning back." Abruptly, his voice changed to an overly happy tone. "Nighty night!"

Mario shook his head, staring at the hand- but everyone else seemed to have taken the sign of dismissal. Prefects were beginning to heard their groups back towards their hubs, Simon Belmont was approaching the pedestal to have a word with the Master Hand, and Kirby and Meta were already catching up to Mario and co. to discuss what they'd just heard.

"An age line?" the two of them chortled. "An _age line? _We're almost insulted- he really doesn't think we can find a way to get around that?"

"And once we're past the line, we're golden!" Kirby cheered.

"An inanimate object is almost easier to fool than Gamer4!" Meta eagerly nodded his agreement.

"Are you kidding me?" Zelda asked, returning to her 'holier-than-thou' attitude of earlier. "Am I the only one who realizes how dangerous this could be? You're supposed to be a senior for a reason!"

"Ah, semantics, semantics," the twins waved the criticism aside. "What about you, Mario? Want a crack at that tourney?"

Mario opened and closed his mouth a few times. The truth was, he wasn't certain- he doubted the Master Hand would be very happy if he _did _apply, let alone actually get chosen, but that golden future, winning the tournament (and possibly Pauline Dama's affections?) was certainly a tempting goal in itself...

He was spared having to consider an answer, however, when Link called out, "Where is he? Where is he?"

"Where's who?" Mario asked, grateful for the distraction.

"Sonic!" Link chattered, speaking as though this should be ludicrously obvious. "Where are the others going to sleep, huh?"

"Not in the mansion, it looks like," Mario commented, locating their guests and following them with his eyes- Mycrowsoft and Sohnee seemed to be making their way towards their Halo and submarine, respectively.

"...Well, crud," Link muttered.

Mario, however, was more interested in developments occurring off to the side. Most of the Mycrowsoft students had gone ahead, but Sonic was still lingering behind, along with the boy who'd failed to jump to attention earlier- Steve, right?

The two had been accosted by the Master Chief. "So, Sonic, are you feeling well? Want me to get something for you? I'm sure the Master Hand wouldn't object- some Mountain Dew from the kitchens, maybe?"

"No, I'm good," Sonic shook his head.

"I could use some, sir!" Steve spoke up hopefully.

The Master Chief turned on his other student with what might be fire in his eyes if his eyes weren't hidden behind a visor. "And was I offering _anything _to _you, _Steve? The one who can't even get it through his thick head when to come to attention?"

Steve choked, recoiling slightly. Sonic intervened. "You know, sir, maybe I could go for some Voltage."

The Master Chief turned to stare at him for a second. "Didn't you say Voltage was your least favorite flavor?"

"Ah, Steve really likes it, so I thought I'd give it a second chance," Sonic shrugged. "Broaden your horizons and all that, you know?"

The Master Chief chuckled as he wrapped his arm around Sonic's shoulder. "That's my boy!" He sounded particularly proud. Turning, he called out, "Let's get some Mountain Dew Voltage for my boy Sonic, here!"

Mario blinked, unsure what to make of the whole situation- he was a big Voltage fan, himself. He spent long enough thinking about it that he lost attention of his walking path, until he smacked into something large and metallic.

"Hey, watch where you're going, why don't-" came an angry sounding voice that abruptly silenced itself. Mario looked up and went cold- he'd somehow managed to walk straight into the Master Chief himself. Once more, he couldn't tell, as the person in question's face was hidden, but he was fairly certain that the Chief's eyes were currently scanning his forehead for the scar...

"Yeah, that's right, Chief, that's Mario Mario," came another voice, prompting both of them to spin around to see Simon Belmont coming their way. "Very interesting development, huh?"

The Master Chief appeared to freeze again as he gazed at Simon, who responded only with a cold gaze. "Y-you!" he choked out.

"Me," Simon agreed. "And, if you don't mind, you wanna go ahead and unclog the doorway? You're causing some mild traffic congestion..."

Mario and the Master Chief both looked around to see that, sure enough, they were causing something of a hold-up. Mario turned and rejoined his crew at the foot of the stairs, while the Master Chief turned and left the building, reaching up to his helmet as if to nervously adjust it.

XXXX

The next day was Saturday, which was just as well- the day would hardly have been any better than the previous one for work- most students were too distracted by the Choosing (TM) coming up that night to bother much with their homework assignments. Mario, of course, was looking forward to it, but there was a nagging worry in the back of his mind as well- the previous three years, Bad Things (TM) had consistently occurred on Halloween night, prompting him, somewhat, to begin associating said holiday with immanent disaster. But, hey, nothing else had happened so far that year, what could really go wrong?

The place to be that day was the Entrance Hall, where many people had accumulated to watch those who would be putting their names forth for the coveted position of Mycrowsoft, Sohnee, or Smash Bros. Contestant (TM). They were all gathered around the pedestal, relocated to said Hall, holding up the Bottle of Lightning, in which the various jets, bolts, and balls of lightning were crackling just as merrily as the previous night. The first person to put his name in was a nervous-looking young man from Sohnee. How did Mario know Sohnee? Well, it seemed that a trend had developed- the people stepping in called out their names and schools as they entered. This particular young man, with short blond hair and wearing a green jacket, produced a slip of paper from his pocket and called out "James Sunderland, Sohnee!" before casting said paper into the Bottle, where it seemed to be absorbed by the crackling plasma therein.

This was followed, not long after, by "Chris Redfield, Mycrowsoft!", "Shion Uzuki, Sohnee!", and "Yuna Burress, Sohnee!"

"That's everyone from Mycrowsoft and Sohnee," noted Maya Fey as "Dovahkiin Dragneel, Mycrowsoft!" placed their name in.

"Hasn't there been anyone from the good ol' Smash Mansion yet?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Nutchet," Maya shook her head. "At least, not that I've seen."

"Maybe they all went last night?" Mario speculated. "I mean, that's what I'd have done- don't necessarily want everyone watching you, you know..."

This conversation was cut off by some wild cheering and whooping from the staircase. Everyone turned to see Kirby, Meta Knight, and Teddy bouncing down the stairs, tiny bottles in hand. "We've done it!" they were crying.

"Done what?" Mario asked, approaching.

"Made ourselves some power-up to age up a few months!" Kirby announced.

"After all, we were just under the limit anyways- we're sure the Bottle will understand," Teddy smirked.

"Yeah, that prize money is _ours, _poyo!" Meta whooped.

On the other side of the room, Shulk chuckled to himself. "How right you are," he muttered quietly.

"Open the mouth!" Kirby began.

"Between the gums!" Meta grinned.

"Look out, stomach!" Teddy put in.

"Here it comes!" they chorused as they downed the contents of their bottles. There was no immediately obvious change on their faces, but they looked just as confident as ever as they leapt into the ring and approached the Bottle.

"Kirby Faron, Smash Bros.!"

"Meta Knight Faron, Smash Bros.!"

"Teddy Ellay, Smash Bros.!"

As one, they all dropped their names in. For a moment, everything seemed to be going fine...

Then the Bottle began to snap, crackle, Mitch, and pop, the lightning within roiling and seething. Finally, with a great roll of thunder, three bolts came jetting out of the Bottle and smacking into the three who'd just dropped their names in. The three went flying back and landed, befuddled, on the ground. And then, apparently just for craps and giggles, as the three of them raised themselves to their feet, it became obvious that they'd all suddenly aged rapidly- Kirby and Meta Knight had sprouted long beards and many wrinkles, while Teddy was hunched over and leaning on a cane for support.

The three froze, slowly turning to each other, and then, far from being off-put, cracked up and began laughing hysterically, pointing at each other all the while. The laughter sounded like... hmmm, what did it sound like? You ever watch the Muppet Show? Statler and Waldorf? Yeah, it sounded like them. "Doh, ho ho ho ho!"

Their laughter proved to be infectious- pretty soon, everyone else in the hall had joined in, some bent over double as they chortled.

And so it came to be that everyone let out a surprised yelp as another, more familiar voice joined the laughter- they all looked to see the Master Hand entering from the Dining Hall. "Well," he gasped out between chuckles, "I _did _try to warn you. You're hardly the first students to attempt this, though I think your results are the most entertaining yet!"

XXXX

Lucina, Robin, and Waluigi all sat up in the Medical Wing, all incredibly aged. "Well, I _did _try to warn you, didn't I?" Robin pointed out throatily- currently a she, but still with the beard from when he'd first crossed the line.

"Oh, shut up," Lucina croaked, arms crossed and glaring out of the window. "It's bad enough trying to deal with Wa over here..."

"Ah, this-a remindin' Waluigi of when he was a young'n!" Waluigi was rambling, stroking his grey, still crooked moustache. "Waluigi a stellar young'n, he be tellin' you that! When Waluigi a young'n, we didn't have these medical wings! We had to fix our injuries by ourselves! Out in da jungle! In freezin' rain, under a burnin' sun! Uphill both ways!"

"Wa," Lucina muttered, "shut up."

XXXX

And so it came to be that Mario, Link, and Zelda were still chortling as they made their way into the Dining Hall, where they met up with Ness, Luigi, and Diddy helping themselves to some scrambled eggs.

"Hey, guys, what's going on?" Luigi asked.

"Oh, you had to be there, that was just fantastic," Link chuckled, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Let's just say that Link's finally got something to tease Kirby and Meta about," Mario agreed, rubbing his chest gently as the laughter continued to spill out.

"So... so... you guys know if anyone from the Smash Bros. has put their name in yet?" Zelda asked- yup, even she was still laughing it off.

"Well, I know Lucina and her crew tried to throw in their hats," Ness recalled. "It didn't go well..."

"Yeah, and I saw Vaati putting his name in," Diddy recalled. "You know, the Sierra Smash-Up captain?"

"Hold up, hold up!" Mario interrupted, raising his hands. "He's been the captain for, what, four years, now? And you have to be a Junior to be a captain, right?"

"Uh-huh, uh-huh," everyone nodded, prompting him to explain where he was going with this.

"Well, why hasn't he graduated yet?"

"Huh, good question," Ness shrugged. "Guess he just keeps failing those tests."

"Oh, what, the _A_ssessment for the-" Mario began, only to be interrupted by cheering and whooping from the Dining Hall's entrance. Everyone turned to see Kumatora Jones leading a small posse in, a posse also consisting of Lucas Ikari, Duster Osohe, Paula Polestar, and Ana Lee. "And... guess who's got a chance to be the Smash Bros. Contestant!" Kumatora cheered as she approached them.

"Oh, really?" Mario asked, eyebrows raising. "Congrats, Kuma, I didn't know you were 17!"

"Eh, got held back a year, once," Kumatora recalled. "Had my seventeenth birthday a couple months ago! Oh, boy, if I get chosen, this mansion's gonna get rocketed right to the top!"

"No doubt!" Mario joined his fellow Smash-Up player in cheering.

"Definitely nice to see someone from Nintendo putting their name in," Zelda agreed, a small smile on her face. "Here's hoping you get it, Kumatora!"

"I'd definitely prefer to root for her than that freaking monkey from Hal," Ness nodded.

"Hey, that's my _cousin _you're talking about!" Diddy objected.

"Oh, sorry," Ness said quickly, turning slightly red.

As yet another flame war broke out between those two, Link beckoned Mario and Zelda into a huddle. "So, we got anything on our itinerary today?" he asked.

"Well, we haven't been down to visit Crazy, yet," Mario noted. "Not even as part of that project."

"Well, I'm down for going to talk to him," Link nodded, "just as long as we don't have to look at those freaking chimaeras."

"Oh!" Zelda cried, drawing everyone's attention as she slammed her fist into an open hand. "I just realized! I haven't talked to Crazy about SOYLENT yet!"

"Oh, Zelda, come on, do we really have to-"

"Yes, we _do _have to!" Zelda interjected. "Come on, up to the hub first!"

Mario and Link managed to give her the slip in the foyer, where a few more students from the Smash Bros. were gathering to toss their hats into the ring. Reyn, from Hal, Ron Delite, also from Hal, Peasley Bean, from Nintendo...

"Whatdya think the people from Mycrowsoft and Sohnee'll do once everyone's been picked?" Mario wondered out loud. "Just... go home?"

"I guess they'll stick around, support their contestant... I mean, Okami Amaterasu and the Master Chief are sticking around, right?" Link pointed out.

If Zelda even noticed that Mario and Link hadn't followed her up, she gave no sign of it as she rushed back down, box of SOYLENT badges in tow, and began pestering them out the door and down the lawn towards Crazy's cabin.

Mario knocked, and was instantly answered by the door being slammed open by Crazy's pet dog, Zoey, who tackled him and began licking him to death.

"Well, look who be decidn' to make demselves here!" came Crazy's voice, trying, and failing, to sound angry, as the giant hand himself appeared. "Mez be wonderin' you forgets me be down here!"

"Sorry, Crazy, we've just been really... bus...y..." Zelda stammered to a halt as her eyes clapped on Crazy. He was wearing his special glove. They'd only seen it once before- it was colored to look like a tuxedo, but was, most certainly, a glove. And as much as I'd love to go into detail on what, exactly, this glove looked like, I'm sure you understand that I'm to busy being shocked that such a thing even existed to even _consider _trying to analyze it deeper.

"Um... Crazy... is something... _special_... going on tonight?" Mario asked, while Link just stood there, gaping.

"No, no, nuttin' be goin' on tonights! Whyze you be askin'?"

"Oh, no reason!" Mario said quickly, waving his hands. Casting his eyes around, he changed topic with the first thing that came to mind: "So, where are the Ultimate Chimaeras?"

"Oh, mez be keepin' dem in separate pens back in da clearin'- youz know, where mez be keepin Epona last years! Dey... dey not be doin' dat good, y'know... killin' each udda off. It odd- dey try'n hug one anudda, n' dey just end up rippin' out da jugula! So weird! Dere about zwanzig left..."

"Oh, dear, whatever shall we do," Link muttered, making sure to keep his voice as low as possible. Changing the subject again, he continued- "But what do you mean, nothing special tonight? Aren't we opening up the Console Games tonight?"

"Oh, dat we be, dat we be!" Crazy nodded enthusiastically. "We gots reall _bawesome_ tings happenin' dis year! Da first trial 'lone be one da most epics tings happen dis here mansion! But me no loud to say..."

This conversation, for the most part, set the tone for the rest of their visit. Easily the best part was pestering Crazy and trying to get him to spill some secrets about the upcoming events- after all, Crazy routinely proved absurdly loose-lipped about everything else- but they finally seemed to have found something he wouldn't speak of. Not that it stopped them from trying. The most awkward part was trying to dodge his often-lethal cooking, but they managed to swing it. The tone of the visit only really changed when Zelda brought the conversation around to SOYLENT. Crazy, for his part, flatly refused to participate.

"Dese here yoshis be findin' out 'bout dis, dey just get insulted!" Crazy explained his reasoning. "Whatcha got here be buncha people be tinkin' 'liberal' be da dirtiest word in da book! Heck, dey only take da sick days 'cause it affect quality of deir work! Whole philosophy be 'Kneads of da many be greata dan da kneads of da few- or da one!"

"But what about Yoshi?" Zelda countered. "The yoshi actually _called _Yoshi? _He _wanted freedom, and we hear he's been asking about pay, too!"

"Wells, dat definitely his decision," Crazy agreed. "Me not say dere no yoshis nowhere dat want soma dose tings, and if dey ask me sign petition to get dem dose, mez do it! But forcin' it on da yoshis dat just consider it insult... nos, you be doin' more harm dan good."

Zelda didn't look happy about this, and remained somewhat cross (though not as cross as Mr. Flibble) until the sun started to set, at which point Crazy beckoned them out of the cabin and across the grounds, back up to the mansion. As they climbed, they could see the Halo's doors opening, from which Mycrowsoft's emissary emerged and began their own hike up the lawn.

The Bottle of Lightning had been moved once more- it had been returned to the head of the hall, where the Master Hand had introduced it the previous night. Mario and his crew met up with Kirby and Meta Knight, who seemed to have taken their defeat in stride. "I'm pulling for Kumatora," Kirby noted as they approached. "If it can't be us, then definitely better her than freaking _Vaati._"

In the debate about first-world problems, we'd just like to toss another into the ring- Mario's distaste for that night's feast. Was it because it was the second feast in two days? Possibly, but more likely, it may have been the fact that he was just as eager as anyone else to see who the contestants would be, who would be undergoing these three trials. He ate his fill of sphaghetti, of course, but it could have been anything- everyone's eyes were fixed on that glowing, crackling bottle.

Finally, the plates cleared themselves, and silence instantly fell on the hill. The only noise audible was the faint cracking and popping from the judge. Okami Amaterasu was curled up in her chair, with red eyes fixed firmly on the Bottle. MC Ballyhoo was jumping up and down in excitement, though managing to do so quietly. Von Karma had returned to his bent-head-eyes-closed-gripping-his-shoulder position, and nobody could tell _what _the Master Chief thought of anything, because he was still wearing full armor and helmet.

The Master Hand rose up and approached the Bottle. "The time of the Choosing (TM) is nigh!" he announced. "The Bottle will soon reveal the names of those deemed worthy of undergoing the Three Trials of the Console Games! Now, future contestants, when I call your name, please come up and go through that door behind me, where you will be given instructions for the first trial!"

Everyone snapped to attention as the Bottle of Lightning began crackling more and more intensely, before finally, a great arc of electricity crackled into the ceiling, where it formed into a small slip of paper and slowly descended towards the Master Hand. He reached up, grabbed it, and read. "Mycrowsoft's contestant... Sonic the Hedgehog!"

A great deal of cheering met this statement. "Oh, was there ever any doubt?!" Link whooped as everyone watched Sonic stand from the Sierra table and make his way up. At the head of the hall, he shook the Master Chief's hand and entered the room behind the staff table.

Slowly, everything died down. Once all was quiet again, it remained so until the Bottle started acting up again. Lightning arced to the Bottle's edge, and pressure seemed to be building up until, with a great screech, another bolt fired from it, making its way to the ceiling, where another paper slip took form and floated down to the Master Hand. "The contestant who will be representing Sohnee..." Nice long pause to build up suspense... "Solid Snake!"

"Hey, it's your boyfriend!" Mario noted teasingly to Zelda, as the Dining Hall once more erupted into applause. Sure enough, that was the very boy they'd met the previous night, grinning around at his fellow Sohnee students as he made his way up to the staff table.

"Shut up," Zelda muttered, eyes downcast. "The rest of Sohnee doesn't seem happy..."

Well, she was right about that. The only Sohnee student currently cheering Snake on was the boy in the lab coat and glasses. The boy in the loincloth and goatee had suddenly gone into a flying fury, beating the table in front of him to pulp, while both Shion Uzuki and James Sunderland were crying into the shoulders of the blue-haired girl, whose expression was blank as she ran her hands through their hair in a 'there, there,' kind of way.

Mario, however, quickly turned his attention back to the Bottle. Alright, who would he be spending this year rooting for?

The question seemed to spread to the rest of the Smash Mansion, as one by one, everyone fell silent. The Bottle began acting up again. Buildup, buildup, buildup... release! The final arc took the final contestant's name high into the sky, before it began to float down.

The Master Hand seized the final paper and read off... "The contestant for the Smash Mansion is... Donkey Kong!"

"Are you flipping kidding me?!" Link shouted, rage filling his face.

"Ah, heck, naw!" Kirby and Meta Knight both moaned.

Lucas and Diddy Kong, however, cheered. "Yeah, good going, cuz!" Diddy whooped. "Knew you had it in ya!"

Mario watched from across the room as the great ape rose from the Hal table, adjusting his tie, grinning, and flexing his muscles for his fans before making his way up to the door and vanishing behind it along with the others.

"Excellent!" the Master Hand cheered, bringing everyone else to silent. "We now have the contestants that will be fighting their way through three trials this year! But, of course, only one can emerge victorious! I hope you all continue to support the champion of your school- remember that support and friendship are truly the greatest pow-"

He suddenly brought himself to a halt, and it didn't take long for people to see why. All the contestants had been chosen, right? The Choosing (TM) should already be over, right? I defy anyone to explain, then, how the Bottle of Lightning, despite having done all its work for the year, was nonetheless acting up once more, the lightning within growing more and more intense until yet _another _arc of lightning shot out of it, carrying yet _another _slip of paper. Everyone watched, befuddled, bemused, and lots of other words that start with 'be' as the paper descended towards the Master Hand, who seemed to catch it more out of instinct than anything. Everyone watched on tenterhooks, awaiting the explanation, as the Master Hand looked down and read out in a confused voice...

"The Hawley-Smoot Tariff?"

_XXXX_

I... have no comment. As usual, though, I want to emphasize that I'm not trying to offend anyone with this fic- it's all meant to be in good fun. I know there are a couple of things in this chapter that might come across _as _offensive, but I want to re-iterate that no offense is intended.

In the meantime, an update on the writing schedule- _Unexpected Drama _gets the next update, but as far as updates at _all_ go, they'll be... sketchy, at best, for the next few weeks or so. I'm about to get real busy again. Worst case scenario, it just might be October before the next update, but, Wave Existence willing, I'll be back before then. Just as a heads-up. In the meantime, anyone who can spot all the various cameos in this chapter and the last has the chance to win... er... some smiles... and hugs... because I'm too miserly to get any real prizes. (Puts on Scrooge clothes) Humbug. Anyways, see you guys next time I have a chance to update! Until then, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions embraced widely, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	20. The Quad-Smasher Tournament

Gamer4 in. Unorthodox update, today? Most certainly- after all, last chapter, I said _Unexpected Drama _would get the next update! However, events in my life have been getting me down lately, so I decided to alter my schedule a tad- _Unexpected Drama _will get the next _next _update. There's a bit more I feel I could say, but the end notes are going to be long enough, (and I'm serious, longest end-notes I think I've ever written,) so for now, let's just dive into the next chapter of this story!

Disclaimer: Full circle! Through the woodland, through the valley, comes a horseman, wild and free. Tilting at the windmills passing, who could the brave young horseman be?

Chapter XVII

The Quad-Smasher Tournament

Mario felt the slam of face upon wood as he began to repeatedly smash his head into his desk. Just when he thought they'd escaped that joke forever...

Up at the head of the hall, Simon Belmont stood up from his chair, walked around the table, and muttered something in the Master Hand's not-ear. The Master Hand made an 'oh,' sound before turning the paper over. "Apologies, everyone!" he announced. "I was looking at the wrong side!"

Ignoring everyone anime-falling at this, he called out, "The real person whose name is on this paper is..." The old hand froze. When he spoke, he sounded as though he couldn't quite believe it himself- as far as anyone could tell, he was speaking too quietly for anyone to really hear what he was saying. "Mmmo mmmo..."

"What was that, sir?" Samus asked, raising her eyebrows.

Speaking just barely loud enough for the rest of the hall to hear, the Master Hand tried again. "M... Mario Mario."

A wave of cold passed over the hall, everyone freezing where they sat before slowly, slowly turning to face the red-clothed pyromancer sitting at Nintendo's table.

Mario could hardly believe it himself. That... that wasn't possible. He hadn't submitted his name- he couldn't have. Slowly, he took off his gloves and tried to clean out his ears a bit. He must have misheard, there had to be some sort of mistake...

Raising his voice even more, the Master Hand called out, "Mario Mario!"

Samus stood. "Mario, if you could come up here..."

Mario shakily stood, casting his gaze back on Link and Zelda. "I... I didn't... you guys... you guys know that... right?" But he couldn't discern any reaction from them- Zelda was simply sitting there with her jaw on the ground, while Link's face had become strangely wooden.

Turning, Mario began walking up towards the staff table. He could see the various expressions on the teachers' faces- Wolf, sneering as usual, Simon, looking very quizzical, Daisy, looking as though she'd swallowed something very sour...

Finally, he turned towards where the heads of the schools sat. Sitting at their side, Samus's face had become very grave. Beside her, Okami Amaterasu seemed to be quietly fuming, but that was nothing compared to the heat wave coming off of the Master Chief's armor- Mario could sense it even without seeing the man's face. At last, his gaze turned on the Master Hand himself. Usually, the old hand was very adept at conveying emotion even without a true body, but not now- Mario couldn't begin to guess what he was thinking. Wordlessly, the Hand opened himself, producing the paper that had just come from the bottle. Mario, in equal silence, accepted it. Sure enough, on one side was scribbled his name, and on the other, that hateful joke.

Speaking with just enough volume for Mario to hear him without an ear trumpet, the Master Hand whispered, "In the back room, then, Mario."

Mario nodded nervously, turning and beginning to stagger his way towards the door. A few more faces met his eyes- Ballyhoo, his mouth open in a perfect O shape, Crazy, trembling violently and muttering, "Noez... dat no be right... noez..." And Manfred von Karma, simply sitting and watching- he might as well have been a statue.

Finally, he reached the door. A trembling hand reached out, closed around the doorknob, turned it, and opened.

The other contestants were already there- of course, where else would they be? They were gathered around a fireplace. Sonic was pacing back and forth as Donkey Kong stared into the fire, looking as contemplative as ever an ape did, and Snake stood off to the side, running a hand through his beard. Mario had found that beard impressive earlier, but now found it to be extremely intimidating. He'd have to compete with _that? Maybe,_ if he got very, very _lucky, _he could win in the moustache department, but Wave Existence _forbid _he try to compete with that _beard! _

"Hey, you alright there, buddy?" came a distant voice over vast deserts and oceans... or maybe they were in the same room together. Mario blinked and brought himself back to the present- where the other contestants were looking at him with concern. Snake spoke again. "Can you hear me?"

Mario made a vague noise of acknowledgment in the back of his throat- "Hah."

"I was askin' you if they sent you in with a message or something."

"Hah." So, that's what they thought- a message boy? He wasn't sure if he could even begin to tell them the truth, even assuming they'd believe it in the first place...

To his rescue, more or less, there was a whirring sound, causing everyone to turn and see MC Ballyhoo coming in, carried, as ever, by his overlarge top hat. "Well, well, well!" he chortled, clearly not put off at all by these events. "This is a toss-up, alright! Gentlemen, this is a very extraordinary moment, as, for the first time in the history of the Console Games, we find ourselves welcoming a _fourth_ contestant!"

You know what Mario despised? Uncomfortable silences. _Boy, _did he hate those. On top of that, this happened to be among the most uncomfortable uncomfortable silence he'd ever experienced. He couldn't tell if he hated the silence itself more, or the fact that, when it finally _was _broken, it was by Snake breaking into laughter. "Oh, nice one, Ballyhoo! Never knew you well- different country, and all that- but I heard you had a great sense of humor, and dang, they weren't joking!"

Ballyhoo chortled his very distinct chortle as he shook his head and replied, "Oh, no, Mr. Snake! I appreciate the complement, but this is no joke!"

"As much as we might want to believe it is," came a very grave-sounding voice from behind Ballyhoo, drawing everyone's attention to the crowd coming in behind- the Master Hand, Master Chief, Okami Amaterasu, Manfred von Karma, Wolf O'Donnell, Samus Aran, and Simon Belmont, who seemed to be the one who'd spoken.

Sonic raised an eyebrow, Donkey Kong was looking from one dead-serious face to the next with simple confusion on his face, and Snake's smile was rapidly being traded in for a frown. "Well, that's not right," he complained in his gruff voice. "We've already got a Smash Bros. contestant, don't we? And besides, this guy's too young- we don't want anyone getting killed off in the first trial, do we?"

"Well, I'll admit these are unusual circumstances," Ballyhoo admitted, "but now that his name's come out of the Bottle, I'm not sure there's anything we can-"

"Ammy!" Snake objected, turning towards his headmistress. "You see how ridiculous this is, right?"

Indeed, Amaterasu didn't seem pleased with these proceedings- a sort of aura was rolling off of her as she turned towards the Master Hand. "I think you owe us an explanation, Matthew," she growled.

"Of course he does," the Master Chief joined in, his voice colder than ice. "Are you really so unconfident in your students that you feel you must introduce a second contestant to have any chance of winning? Shame on you, _Matthew_."

"I don't understand why you would do this to me, Matthew," Amaterasu continued. "I thought we had formed a trusting relationship- does it truly mean so little to you that you can flout it like this?"

"And a contestant so young, at that!" the Master Chief continued raging. "I assure you, we of _Mycrowsoft _would _never _stoop so low as to cast our youngest students into a tournament they had no chance of winning!"

"At ease, John!" Wolf barked, interrupting the flood of complaints. "Please redirect your rage- the Master Hand deserves none of it!" A moment passed. Taking a deep breath, Wolf continued in a somewhat quieter voice. "If you must turn your anger towards someone, turn it towards the one who actually committed the deed- Mario Mario. The first thing he did when he arrived at this school was draw up a hit list of all our rules, and begin crossing them out one by one. It shouldn't be surprising that he seized this opportunity to break some rules on a much grander-"

"At ease, Wolf," the Master Hand said quietly, raising himself. Wolf still didn't look happy- not that he ever did- but he silenced himself nonetheless. The Master Hand turned towards Mario, and spoke calmly, "Mario... did you put your name into the Bottle of Lightning?" And no, I'm not going to make that joke everyone's expecting- you know the one. TvTropes can kiss my-*

"No, sir, no, I didn't," Mario spoke in a louder-than-necessary voice, cutting the narrator off.

"And did you ask an older student to do it for you?"

"No."

"You're absolutely sure?"

"Yes," Mario answered, feeling slightly exasperated.

"Easy to say," Amaterasu pointed out. "But how can we know?"

"Calm thine jets, Ammy," Samus interjected. "Mario couldn't have done it- there's no way he _could _have crossed the line."

"He must have made a mistake- he must have overlooked something! Maybe he managed to levitate it in, somehow, or just attach it to the long end of a stick-"

"Your low opinion of the Master Hand wounds me," Samus shook her head. "If you truly believe he wouldn't think of something like that and place protections against that-"

"Well, it _is _possible that I slipped up somewhere," the Master Hand conceded.

"No, you did not, and you _know _it, Master!" Samus objected. "Mario _couldn't _have crossed that line, and we can all be pretty certain that he didn't ask an older student to do it for him!"

Another long, uncomfortable silence, broken by, of all people, the Master Chief. "Well, Ballyhoo? Karma? You two are ideally placed to make an impartial decision- what say you of these events?"

Ballyhoo fumbled in midair for a moment. It was hard to read his expression, of course, but one got the feeling he'd been caught off-guard. "Well, truth is, I didn't read the rules as finely as... as maybe I should have..." Quailing under the glares of everyone else present, he quickly blurted, "ButManny'sreadthembackandforthninethousandandonetimeslet'saskhimwhydon'twe?!"

And so, everyone turned their attention to Manfred von Karma. Mario blinked- this was the closest he'd seen the old man since the Grand Prix- and he didn't look as though time had been treating him well. His face had a weathered quality about it- statuelike, yes, but a statue beaten on by the ravages of time. Between the darkness of the room, the somewhat unhealthy look he'd taken on, and the way the firelight was catching him, he looked more ghostly than several of the actual spirits haunting the mansion. However, when he spoke, his voice was its usual demonic rumble. "The rules, Ballyhoo, are absolute. Once a contestant's name has come from the bottle, they are bound to compete, no matter the cost. We have been given no other choice- as of now, Mario Mario is a contestant in the Console Games."

"But this is ridiculous!" Okami Amaterasu objected. "The boy is much too young to-"

"Absolute... binding... contract," von Karma growled, turning a glaring eye onto the wolf.

"But surely, allowing one school to have two contestants is most-" the Master Chief began.

"Objection!" von Karma bellowed- the lowest and most demonic-sounding objection Mario had heard in the past three years. "The contract is binding and absolute. There is no other choice." He snapped his fingers, the sound of which resonated like a high-pitched cannon blast. "Mario... must... participate."

"In that case," the Master Chief growled, no longer making any bare-bones effort to hide his rage, "I insist on resubmitting the names of my students. We will hold the ceremony again, and each school will have two contestants! Surely, you wouldn't dispute this, Matthew?!"

Before the Master Hand could speak, Ballyhoo intervened. "Sorry, Johnny, but it doesn't work like that! The Bottle's already de-activated! No more lightning- it's just a regular bottle now! It won't start up again until the next time the games are held!"

"And you can be _damn_ sure that Mycrowsoft won't be coming back for that!" the Master Chief shouted. "This is an offense I will not stand for! In fact, I'm not entirely sure that I'll be staying for this one!"

"Yeah, about that..." came a new voice, drawing everyone's attention to Simon, who'd largely been sitting in the background for all of the above, "'Fraid that's not really an option, Johnny, my boy. Sonic's under the same contract as Mario, now- he has to compete, no choice in the matter. And the same applies to Mario- now that his name's come out of the Bottle, he has to compete whether he wants to or not. And you think you've got it bad?"

"Speak English, Simon," the Master Chief retorted.

"Look, I'm just spitballing here," Simon admitted, raising his hands above his head, "but it seems to me that if someone wanted to murder Mario, this would basically be the perfect way to go about it. I mean, imagine there was still a starman lurking around somewhere. Imagine that this remarkably beautiful starman- or starwoman, I suppose, let's not be sexist here- wanted Mario dead, but didn't want to sully her own hands in the act. Imagine they broke in, disguised themself as a teacher using transformo-candy, snatched a corner out of Mario's homework assignment with his name on it, wrote the name of another Smasher's school- oh, I don't know, Themis Academy, for example, so he'd be the only one in that category, assuring he'd be picked, then used their whip power controller to beat the Bottle so senseless it forgot that there were three schools competing, not four, thus ensuring Mario's place in a tournament where he was sure to die a horrible, bloody death?" A brief silence fell, with everyone staring at Simon as he raised a fist to his mouth and gave a cough or two. "You know, just for instance."

Finally, the Master Chief spoke. "Well, you seem remarkably well-informed about this incident, Belmont!"

"Hey, I'm not saying that's actually how it happened!" Simon objected. "I'm just saying, you know, in general, that's a fairly plausible scenario! After all, I was trained in the art of getting inside the minds of dark smashers, I'm sure you remember that..."

"Alright, enough, Simon," the Master Hand interrupted. "I'm sure the readers get the point, alright? Let's move along."

Yet another silence, as everyone drew a deep breath. The Master Hand spoke again. "Alright, here's how I see it- as much as I dislike the scenario, it seems we really do have no other choice- both Mario and Donkey Kong must compete."

"Matthew..." Amaterasu objected softly.

"Ammy, if you have a better idea, I'm all ears," the Master Hand said, turning towards her. "In fact, if you have a better idea, I have a friend who can take us to a planet where _everyone _is all ears."**

Ammy blinked, but ultimately remained silent. Hardly anybody looked happy with this- Wolf was livid, the Master Chief's face was hidden, but was radiating that same anger-aura... the exception, as you may have already guessed, was Ballyhoo, who chortled. "Well, glad we got all that settled, huh? Now that we've settled all _that _hooplah, how's about we get to the reason we called the contestants back here, eh, Manny?"

Von Karma snapped out of his reverie. "Oh, right... of course... the instructions..."

As the old man drew himself to his full height, he commanded the attention of everyone present. "The first Trial of the Console Games will take place three weeks from now. This year's console games will be centered around the three virtues of old- Power, Wisdom, and Courage. First comes courage, and with that in mind, we will not be telling you what the first Trial entails. A true champion among smashers must be able to face the unknown and think on their feet.

"Instructions for later trials will be given after the first... due to the contestants' need to be prepared for these trials, they will be exempt from end-of-year tests... I believe that is all."

"That sounds like that should cover it, yes," the Master Hand agreed. Mario noted concern in the hand's voice. "Are you sure you don't want to stay at the Mansion for a bit, Manfred? You don't look well..."

"I am fine, Master," von Karma growled, shaking off his sympathy. "I must get back to the government soon- I left that young man, Faron, in charge..."

"Oh, come _on, _Manny, the Smash Mansion is where it's _at!_" Ballyhoo objected. "Lights! Action! Drama! It would be a crying shame to leave now!"

"No time, Martin," von Karma growled. "Whether you acknowledge this or not, there _are _people at the government who view life as a little more than a bowl of fancy, assorted cashews. Good night." And with that, he was gone.

"Very well... anybody want a drink before we all turn in?" the Master Hand asked of the room at large.

Futile. Very, very futile. Snake simply crossed the room to Okami Amaterasu, where they set out through the doors, quietly, but throwing a last glare back at those they were leaving behind. Sonic followed suit, but the Master Chief made no bones about it, raging angrily all the way until he was out of earshot.

The Master Hand gave a sad sort of sigh as he turned towards Mario and Donkey Kong. "Well, that didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped... and yet, this is an excellent opportunity for your groups to run wild tonight, like dogs in the yard... and it would be... how did Ballyhoo put it? A crying shame... to deprive them of that chance. So... off to bed with you."

Mario, personally, couldn't have gotten out of that room sooner, with Wolf glaring daggers at him, and Simon scrutinizing him like a specimen beneath a microscope. Donkey Kong joined him, looking only slightly less eager.

As they headed through a few hallways together, Donkey Kong turned his head towards Mario. "So... just between us... how _did _you do it?"

"I didn't," Mario answered honestly. "Everything I said in there was the truth- all one or two sentences of it. I honestly have no idea what just happened."

"I see..." Donkey Kong nodded, though Mario could tell he remained skeptical.

The two parted ways in the foyer, Donkey Kong heading towards the basement, Mario beginning the long ascent through the mansion towards the top floor.

Away from any prying eyes, Mario allowed himself a shudder. He'd been looking forward to these games, but now, it seemed, everything had gone horribly, nightmarishly wrong. Yeah, he'd fantasized about the possibility of tricking the Bottle into letting him play, possibly even winning, but that hadn't been genuine... just an idle daydream, something to entertain him for a bit, but not to seriously _be _entertained itself...

Link and Zelda would be on his side, surely, but what about everyone else? Would anyone else stand by him as he set out to do three absurdly dangerous trials in front of an entire panel of judges, as well as everyone else in the entire school? Well, there was one person he was fairly certain _wouldn't _be supporting him... whoever had put his name into the Bottle to begin with.

Why, though? Why would anyone do such a thing? Something told him it wasn't because they'd wanted him to have a good time this year. Maybe a practical joker, like the Faron twins taken up to eleven, willing to even see him risk his life in the name of some sick joke? Possible, he supposed, though he didn't know anybody like that, off the top of his head... But was it more likely than Simon's supposition?

Had whoever done this done it in the hopes that he'd get killed?

Not to say that Mario couldn't think of anyone who wanted him dead- he could name two people without even thinking- Tabuu and Mumkhar. But the last he'd heard of Tabuu, he'd been somewhere in Germany, while Mumkhar was supposed to be on the run, with Roy hot on his tail. Neither of them were exactly in ideal situations to mastermind something like this. So, in the end, did Simon's claim have any merit to it, or was he just being paranoid, as usual?

"Hey, Mario! Hey, hey, hey Mario!"

Mario jumped as he heard the voice of the legion assaulting his ears. Looking ahead, he groaned. "Oh, geez, like I don't have enough to deal with tonight..."

"You think you've got it bad?" said a third voice, female. "You're not the one he's been bugging for the past ten minutes..."

In his reverie, Mario had failed to notice coming up on Rosalina's portrait- where the Slender Man was waiting for him. Rosalina, looking very disgruntled, continued. "He's just been asking me where you were, over and over and over again. Can you just deal with him already?"

"Slendy, I am _not _in the mood right now!" Mario grumbled.

"But Mario, I did it! I sang the song three million times- didn't even take any breaks!"

"Three million?" Mario asked, his eyebrows raising.

"Yeah!"

"I said five million."

"...You did?"

"Yeah, I did!"

"But isn't it always about threes with you?"

"Usually, yeah, I guess," Mario muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose, "but this time, it was five. Look the chapter up, if you don't believe me- great advantage of there being no fourth wall, you can look things up whenever you want."

And so it came to be that Slendy whipped out the cell phone he always carried around, (and yeah, Slendy carries a cell phone, everyone knows that,) and remained silent for a second as his tentacles reached out to swipe and poke at the screen. Finally, he turned his not-face downwards and gave a sad sigh. "You're right... I guess I'll just go into the Lost Woods for another few months...*sigh*... You've got to love the world, be a friend, and when you're down, you gotta get up again..."

As he spoke, Mario's vision suddenly blurred like the lens of a camera, and when it cleared, the Slender Man was gone.

"Thank you so much," Rosalina sighed, leaning back against the frame of her picture. "There was something I was going to ask you, but now, for the life of me, I can't remember what it was... you know what? Just go in..."

And with that, she swung forward.

The moment the door opened, an explosion of sound met Mario's ears. A storm of cheers erupted from the hole, and Mario very quickly found himself being dragged in by a multitude of hands. It wasn't as creepy as that sentence made things sound.

"Yo, buddy, didn't you ever think to drop a line to your pals to let _us _know you'd be entering?!" Kirby called out over the applause and cheers filling the room.

"Pretty impressive, though, you'll have to tell us how you did it sometime!" Meta whooped.

Mario sighed, trying to do the nose-bridge-pinching maneuver again, but the quarters were too tight to allow it. "I didn't, guys," he tried to explain. "I didn't know-"

But before he could finish, Kumatora had appeared, cheering and thumping him on the back. "Too bad it couldn't be me, but at least we've got _somebody _from Nintendo! Give that Kong hell for that last Smash-Up match, a'ight?!"

"Come on, brah, we be celebrating tonight!" Ness hollered, grabbing him by the shoulder. "Kirby and Meta managed to snag a great spread from the kitchens, come on and have some!"

"No, I'm not hungry, thanks..."

Mario might as well have been talking to a brick wall. All anybody wanted was to congratulate him, cheer him on, ask him to relate the thrilling story of how he'd gotten around the... _Age Line..._ (TM). Mario was steadily losing his patience, and when Teddy produced a banner flowing with the Nintendo colors and insignias from Wave-Existence-alone-knew-where and tied it around his neck like a cape, what little remained of that patience disappeared out of his ears. Not that it did him any good- even with him going into full straight-man mode, doing everything he could to communicate that he _really _didn't want to be here right now, they were still stuffing cakes into his hands, and when it wasn't cake, it was Mountain Dew that even _he _didn't have the taste for at that exact moment...

Finally, he raised his voice. "FOR THE LOVE OF CHAOS FLIPPIN' YESHUA ON A POGO STICK! I WANNA GO TO BED!"

And even that didn't seem to do much good. Link and Zelda both seemed to be absent from the hub, completely alleviating any desire Mario might have had to remain there, but people kept insisting on forcing more sweets on him, but when Pichu and Plusl Minun appeared, he drew the line, actively forcing his way through the hub until he got to the stairs up to the boy's dorms. Rapidly, he climbed, trying to avoid detection as he quickly opened the door and slammed it shut on the other side.

To his immense relief, Link was there. "Hey!" he said, feeling much brighter than he had since he'd stood up from the Nintendo tables. "Where were you?"

"Oh," Link replied, turning around and facing him. "You know... around."

The response didn't seem to make much sense. For that matter, something seemed to be wrong with Link in general- he was smiling, but it seemed very awkward and forced. It was about this point that Mario realized he was still wearing that Wave-Existence-forsaken banner like a cape. Realizing this, he quickly took steps to take it off, which proved harder than he'd expected. Freaking Teddy, did he _really _have to tie the knot this tight?

Link remained silent until Mario finally got it off, and, in a spurt of frustration, immolated it, tossing it into the corner to curdle into ashes. "Well," he finally spoke. "Congrats, bro."

"Con- congrats?" Mario blinked in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Link's smile was steadily removing itself from his face, which suited Mario just fine- it hadn't exactly been a reassuring smile to begin with. "Well, it's not like anybody else managed to trick out that line. Let me guess- the invisibility blanket, right?"

"No..." Mario responded slowly. "I didn't use the blanket, Link."

"Yeah, yeah," Link gave a very false laugh, rubbing the back of his head. "Didn't figure, really. I mean, if it _had _been the blanket, you'd have let me in on this, right? Doesn't explain why you didn't bother to let me know when you _did _find a way, though."

"Link... I didn't put my name in," Mario said, a lurking horror forming in his chest. "I don't know what happened out there tonight, and I couldn't _begin _to tell you why, but I didn't put my name in."

Link crossed his arms. "You know, Mario, I know you're used to being this one-man show all the time, but it doesn't have to be that way- you can tell me what really happened. Hey, it' s not like you got in trouble, is it? No point keeping it secret anymore..."

"For the love of the Wave Existence, I didn't put my name in the freaking Bottle!" Mario shouted. "Don't be stupid about this, Link..."

Link's smile had completely vanished at this point- he didn't look much happier than Wolf had. "Oh, yeah, because that's me, isn't it? Never Link Faron, just Mario Mario's stupid friend in the green hat... Get some sleep, why don't you? You'll need it for tomorrow- I'm guessing there'll be a photo shoot, or some stupid smeg like that..."

And with that, Link leaned back, drawing his curtains around him. Mario stared, slack-jawed, at where Link had disappeared, the one person he'd thought would always be at his side.

XXXX

* To establish my views on TvTropes here, I like the site- namely, the parts dedicated to appreciating books, movies, video games, etc. It used to be that it was just the headscratchers pages that got contaminated... but no, it's gotten worse. Now they have two full sections for certain works dedicated to unrepentantly bashing them. Hoo, boy... things have sure gone downhill.

** Sorry, I'm on a Doctor Who binge.

Alright, wrapping this chapter up at long last! I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels to be writing again. I've been depressed for a couple weeks, tinged with off-and-on gut-wrenching anxiety, but as soon as I sat down to return myself to the Mario Mario universe, everything was alright. Ah...

Anyways, enough of dragging my personal issues onto Fanfiction- what is this, Facebook? We've got some questions to answer! Starting with Spidershadow, who wanted to know about Steve from last chapter! You are correct, good sir- Steve is the generally accepted name for the generic male avatar for Minecraft.

A few questions here and there involving spoilers for future plans...

And now, it's time for me to atone, as I answer some questions from FelineWithin! Hey, long time, no see! Right off the bat, I need to make amends, because I failed to answer a couple of questions from earlier chapters. Sincere apologies- I thought those questions were rhetorical. To make up for it, though, here are the answers, right here, right now!

Q: How did Reyn turn up at Ordon Cottage? A: I guess he just heard there were a bunch of jokers in town.

Q: So, there _is _a manga-anime smasher school equivalent? A: I like to think that Fairy Tail is one such school. This year, they're playing their own equivalent of the Console Games against their fierce rivals, Ouran Academy and Furinkan High. Erza Scarlet vs. the Blue Thunder vs... er... Tamaki! Just because... Hmmm... sounds interesting. Anyone feel like writing that one? I would, but my hands are full with this series.

And now for the questions you posed last chapter!

Q: Nice Sierrans? A: Not sure if this was intended as a question, but I appreciate the opportunity for a semi-rant nonetheless. As much as I love the original books, one thing I'd complain about is that despite JK's claim that not all Slytherins are supposed to actually be evil, we're only introduced to, like, one or two non-evil Slytherins, and aside from them, the rest of the series goes out of its way to perpetuate the stereotype. So, I thought that, as long as I'm deviating from the source material anyways, might as well throw a few more non-evil Sierrans into the mix!

Q: What About Meryl? (Starring Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss- which one is Meryl, I leave to your imagination.) A: Honestly, I didn't ship Snake and Meryl to begin with- not to get into shipping wars, and I plead the fifth on who I _do _ship in that series... that said, if Meryl does appear, I won't be relentlessly bashing her either.

And finally, a request- which gives me the opportunity to elaborate on how I handle requests. As I've mentioned before, I generally come up with ideas on my own, with occasional input from friends, family, and you readers. So, that said, I do indeed take requests into account- I do, of course, read every review (which isn't as impressive as it would be on Youtube, granted,) and when people send in requests, if I really like the idea, I will, indeed, use it, with credit to whoever proposed it. However, if a better idea comes up, I'll use that one, too. So, where does this particular request fall in? I... do not want to say. If I gave away all ideas now, there'd be no point in waiting for the next book.

And about that. You'll notice that I just acknowledged the possibility of getting to the next book. Well, you know what, you guys have been so awesome, hanging around for as long as you have, so enough being coy about it- yes, I do intend on finishing the series. I've been planning on that ever since... ever since partway through _Hylian Stone, _when I went on a camping trip and planned out the titles of all the 'books' except for Half-Blood Prince, which I still can't think of a good replacement for. I've held off on announcing it because, between all those hiatuses and a lot of other things, I wasn't certain I'd hold fast for long enough, but there's no point hiding it anymore- yes, I _do _intend on finishing this story, continuing right on into _Order of Philanthropy, _doing some unidentified sixth story that I haven't come up with a name for yet, and then wrapping it all up with _Final Power-ups. _Requests for anything in that area are welcome, as is... constructive criticism and questions, though flames, not as much. Please R&amp;R, and, until next time, Gamer4 out!


	21. Game-and-Watch's Return

Gamer4 in. I'm stuck looking at the man in the mirror... I'm asking him to change his ways...

Whoa, hey, guys! I... wasn't doing anything weird! Just playing Fire Emblem Awakening and contemplating the meaning of life, the universe, and Xenoblade X. And trading some Magic cards with my friend, known to the internet as Water Boy. He's actually thrown a few ideas into the mix for this series, so... pretty interesting trivia, right?... Yeah, didn't think so. You know what, let's just dive into the next chapter before I ramble on anymore.

Disclaimer: He is wild, but he is mellow. He is strong, but he is weak. He is cruel, but he is gentle. He is wise, but he is meek. This has been _Don Quixote, _by Gordon Lightfoot. Yeah, even my disclaimers need disclaimers now. Next time on Disclaimer radio, another classic by Gordon Lightfoot, _The House You Live in. _See you then!

Chapter XVIII

Game-and-Watch's Return

Have you ever had a day where you woke up, feeling a surge of emotion seemingly unconnected to anything going on at the moment? You feel overjoyed, abject despair, terrified, furious, or anywhere in between at the world in general, but for no clear reason? For a while, your brain attempts to process this emotion, figuring out why you should feel that way without any clear cause. And slowly, it comes to you- and you find yourself wondering how you could have possibly forgotten.

Well, such was the case with Mario when he woke up the next day. He was feeling an intense mixture of dread, anger, and misery, but couldn't put his finger on why until he looked across the room at Link's empty bed. Oh. Right. That.

The moment he appeared at the bottom of the staircase in the Nintendo hub, the Nintendoes that happened to be present at the time all burst into applause. Mario facepalmed- one would have thought they'd gotten the message last night. He couldn't really imagine that the Nintendo table in the Dining Hall would be much better, but at least said hall was absent of the Minuns, who were currently beckoning frantically for him to join them, so out into the hallways he went.

He'd only gone a few steps before he ran into Zelda, carrying a mountain of toast. "Oh, hey, Mario!" she greeted him, a small smile crossing her face. "Thought that you might prefer breakfast outside the Dining Hall today."

Mario licked his lips as his eyes crossed the mountain of warm, crisp, buttery goodness... mmmmmm... toast...

XXXX

Sorry about the break there, I had to go get myself some toast... Where were we? Oh, right- Mario agreed, and together, he and Zelda headed down through the mansion, and ultimately into the grounds, alternately munching on toast and discussing the events of the previous night.

It was to Mario's great relief that Zelda accepted his version of events without question. "I knew you hadn't put your name in- all you had to do was see your face when the Master Hand read out your name," she explained her reasoning. "That said, the big question now is, who _did _do it?"

"Believe it or not, that thought had, indeed, crossed my mind," Mario agreed as they pushed their way out of the front doors and onto the grounds.

Zelda turned to look at him with a dead serious look on her face. "This is serious, Mario," she said. "Just look at my face. This is my serious face."

"Yeah, I heard the narration," Mario nodded.

"This isn't the time to be straight-manning," Zelda shook her head. "I think Simon was right- not just anybody could have done this. It _would _have taken a lot of power to get over the Master Hand's defenses and fool the Bottle into-"

"I figured all that," Mario interrupted. "This is all stuff we already went over last chapter. What I want to know- have you seen Link this morning?"

"Link?" Zelda repeated. "Um... yeah, I saw him at breakfast. Why?"

"We had a... frank exchange of ideas last night. Did he say anything to you? Does he still think I did this myself?"

Zelda shifted from one foot to the other, and when she spoke, she seemed to be choosing her words carefully. "Well... he still didn't seem happy with you... but I don't think he really believes you did this yourself..."

"What are you talking about? He made his position very clear last night-"

"Mario," Zelda cut him off, "I hate to say this, but I think you're being a tad naive."

"Naive?"

"I don't think this is about Link actually thinking you're a glory hound, or whatever- he's jealous!"

"J-jealous?" Mario repeated, very much caught off guard. "He's- he's jealous? You mean he wants to go out and make an idiot of himself in front of the school?"

Zelda shook her head. "No, it's not like that. It's more like... okay, this might sound bad, but bear with me, and try not to straight-man me, alright?"

"I'll do my best," Mario acknowledged, though with one eyebrow raised.

"And that's all I ask for," Zelda shook her head. "Alright, here's how it is- I know it's not your fault, Mario, but if you really look back across the last few years, you'll notice that you've kind of got this... main-character-syndrome."

"Main-character-syndrome?" Mario asked, his eyebrows in danger of disconnecting from his head altogether.

"Yes," Zelda nodded. "All these things keep happening, and because of them, you're always in the center of attention."

"Well, it's not like-" Mario began, but Zelda cut him off, head shaking once more.

"I _know _you don't necessarily _like _it that way, Mario!" she repeated. "Heck, I've been with you for three years by now, and you _never _asked for any of this smeg to happen, but it still happened! Now," she continued, dropping her voice a bit now that she was sure Mario wouldn't interrupt, "Link's always had to compete with everyone else for attention. Back at home, he was the youngest sibling of seven- not counting Peach, and then when he came here, he was your best friend, and while I don't think he'd trade that for anything, it's still a little hard on him whenever people see you guys, and all they see is you, with some green blur next to you... He puts up with it, does everything he can to not get bitter over it, but I think this time might just be the straw that broke the horse's back."

"Well, that's just fan-tegging-smastic," Mario muttered. "You know what? You tell Link that I'm willing to trade places any time he freaking sees fit."

"I'm doing any such thing," Zelda shook her head, looking sterner than before. "First off, that sounds like the setup to a fanfiction that would be bad in anyone's hands, let alone Gamer4's. Second, if you want Link to hear anything, tell him yourself- that's the only way this is going to get resolved, if you sort it out between yourselves."

"I am _not _going to go crawling to Link and beg him to pull his head out of his butt!" Mario objected. "You know what, maybe he'll believe I didn't want this when I go out into the first trial and get myself killed in the first three seconds-"

"Don't even joke about stuff like that, Mario," Zelda spoke coldly. "That's not something anyone wants to see." A long moment of silence, as both parties used a slice of toast as an excuse to say nothing. Zelda was the one to ultimately break it. "You know what you need to do, though, right? You do realize what you need to take care of, as _soon _as you get back into the mansion?"

"Find a fire poker and apply it generously to Link's-"

"Write to Roy!" Zelda intervened, sounding agitated. "Roy- er, I mean..." she quickly glanced around to make sure nobody was, or had been, listening in, "_Strider _asked you to tell him if anything important happened on our end. He must have suspected that something like this would happen! Well," she added, in response to Mario's half-closed eyes, "not this _exactly, _obviously, but it _does _seem like he thought _something _was about to go down!"

"Yeah, sorry, Zelda, I appreciate your advice and everything, but that's something that's just not going to happen," Mario shook his head. "I mean, we're talking about the guy that stormed back into this country just because my scar hurt- we tell him about something like this, he might storm back into the mansion and start beating up anyone who looks like a starman!"

"Oh, come _on, _Mario," Zelda sighed in exasperation, "I think he has a _little _more self-control than you give him credit for."

XXXX

Two men sat alone in a darkened room- one with clown make-up and the other apparently a police officer. "If we're going to be playing games..." the policeman said slowly, "I'm gonna need a cup of coffee."

"Ah," the clown-man grinned, "the old 'good-cop-bad-cop routine?"

"Not exactly," the policeman said, leaving the room. A moment later, the lights turned on, revealing Roy standing behind the clown, who waited only a moment before slamming said clown's head into the table in front of him.

"WHEREISHE?!" Roy shouted, his voice almost at a growl.

"Well, I was wondering where you were," the clown broke into laughter. "Hiding out while I kill people off- even to someone like me, that's-"

Before he could finish the sentence, he found his face being smacked into by the hilt of a sword. "WHERE IS HE?!"

"...'He?'" the clown repeated, a look of confusion crossing his face. "Wait, aren't you looking for your girl-"

"WHERE'S MUMKHAR?!" Accompanied by another severe bashing over the skull.

_Okay, this is _not _going according to my scenario, _the clown thought, his inner 'Gendo Ikari' emerging slightly. Out loud, he attempted to speak, only to be interrupted by another fist to his face.

"WHERE'S MUMKHAR?! WHERE'S MUMKHAR?! WHERE IS HE?!"

"I- I'm trying to piece this together, but I honestly have no idea who you're talking about-"

"_WHERE IS HE?!"_

"I don't know!" the clown burst out, starting to get tired of the repeated fists to the head. "Who is this Mumkhar guy anyways? A friend or something?"

"HE MUST HAVE FRIENDS! SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHERE HE IS!" Roy's eyes were bugging out and spit was forming around his mouth- he was starting to look rabid.

"Okay, that's not even the right part of the movie," the clown grumbled.

"WHERE IS HE?!"

XXXX

"Somehow, I'm not as certain as you are," Mario shook his head.

"Well, it doesn't matter anyways," Zelda persisted. "Roy's going to find out no matter what, and we both know he'd prefer it if he found out from you."

"What do you mean, 'he'll find out no matter what?'" Mario repeated.

Zelda sighed, and looked only a few degrees away from facepalming. "Mario, right now, the two most famous things in the universe are you, and the Console Games. How long do you think the news will sit on this story before putting it on the headlines of every newspaper ever?"

"Not... not very long..." Mario muttered, his eyes downcast.

"Exactly- if Roy's following any news source at all- which, if he's keeping an eye out for signs people have found him _or _signs of Mumkhar, I sure as heck _hope _he is- he's going to find out, no question about it. And we both know he'd rather you told him yourself."

Mario sighed. "You put up a convincing argument," he conceded. "You win. I'll write to him." He examined the last piece of toast- it had become cold and unsavory during their conversation, and he suddenly found his appetite for heated bread diminished. Taking it, he wound up and winged that mother as far over Lake Delfino as he could- leading to a blink of surprise from both him and Zelda when a gigantic, white tentacle emerged from the depths and scooped it below the surface. Mario and Zelda glanced at each other, turned, and hurried back up to the mansion.

"So, what about albatrosses?" Mario wondered out loud as they ascended through the building. "I know I shouldn't be using Parakarry, but... who?"

"Well, Link's got a readily available birdie..." Zelda pointed out innocently.

"Not gonna happen," Mario retorted stubbornly.

"Okay, then, you know what?" Zelda grunted, starting to sound impatient. "Use one of the school's albatrosses- anyone's allowed to use them."

Eventually, they arrived at the aviary, where Zelda provided a sheet of paper and a pen from the personal collections of each she carried with her at all times, and began examining the various birds that called the area home as Mario wrote out his letter.

_Dear Roy,_

_Well, this one's a doozy. You told me to keep you up-to-date on what's going on over here, so I'm rushing to get this to you before you find out yourself from the papers. The Console Games are going on this year at the Mansion, and when they picked out the contestants, someone jury-rigged the Bottle of Lightning to pick me as a fourth. I didn't put my name in, but I have no idea who did. So now, I'm in this extremely dangerous competition against some mercenary-looking guy, the fastest thing alive, and a giant ape in a necktie. Say something like _that _to somebody out-of-context._

Mario paused briefly. There was quite a bit more he could say, but the words to describe it all weren't forthcoming in his mind, so ultimately, he just wrapped up the letter with,

_Here's hoping you and Epona are alright- Mario. _

"Alright, we are good to go," he said slowly as he finished the letter and turned to Zelda. Parakarry, hearing him, immediately fluttered down and produced his leg. Mario smiled, but shook his head. "Glad to see you're always ready, but I can't use you this time- too conspicuous."

Parakarry tilted his head, then gave a squawk and took off in a fashion that very clearly communicated, _Well, screw you, too, buddy!_*

"Dang it, Parakarry!" Mario called after him. "It's not _my _decision!"

Zelda put a comforting hand on his shoulder, and proceeded to help him attach his letter to her chosen albatross.

XXXX

Nothing of particular interest happened for the rest of that day- Mario spent it largely hiding out in the dorm- but things really started picking up again the day after. And by 'picking up,' we mean, 'they got infinitely worse.'

With lessons starting up once more, Mario had no refuge to hide from the rest of the school, who wasted no time whatsoever in making their feelings very, very, very, _very _clear. Just like Nintendo, the rest of the mansion seemed to firmly believe he'd entered himself in the Games. To separate themselves from Nintendo, however, they were taking it _much _worse.

In all honesty, Mario didn't notice Retro as much- he was sure they were joining in the annual 'Make-Mario-Mario-a-social-pariah' month as much as anyone else, but anything they might have been doing paled in comparison to the crudstorm he was meeting from- of all groups- _Hal. _Nintendo and Hal usually got along famously, but during the Smashing Plants class that morning, the Hals involved acted very coldly towards Nintendo in general, and towards Mario in particular. Mario could see where they were coming from, but that didn't mean he had to like it- from their perspective, it must seem like he was trying to steal the glory Donkey Kong was setting out to win them- and the fact that Donkey Kong was one of few select individuals to bring glory to Hal at all probably didn't help matters. Even Lucas Ikari and Duster Osohe, who generally treated Mario like a brother, took the time to laugh unpleasantly when the mushrooms they were working with spewed spores in his face, causing a mushroom to grow from his head and for him to accidentally smack himself in the face with a shovel several times. Daisy watched this spectacle coldly for several minutes before finally coming over and removing said mushroom- an act that Mario would have more closely associated with Wolf than with Daisy, but then, she _was _the head of Hal.

Link, meanwhile, steadfastly refused to speak to Mario throughout the lesson, even as the two of them worked together with Zelda at the same table. Zelda found herself in much the same situation Mario had found himself in the previous year, stuck trying to be the bridge between two people not keen on having a bridge between them. She kept trying to strike up a conversation, and while both Mario and Link would respond to her, they weren't fooled by any of her attempts to get them to communicate with each other.

Hence why Zelda was so agitated when they called it and went back to the mansion for lunch. As Mario helped himself to a cheese sandwich, Zelda assaulted him again. "Come _on, _Mario!" she began, sounding exasperated. "You _do _know nothing's going to get better if one of you doesn't try to break the ice, right? You do realize that, don't you?"

"Zelda, I'm not going to-"

"Mario!" Zelda cut him off, suddenly looking extremely dangerous. "You..._do..._realize that... don't you?"

Mario blinked. "Alright, alright, I'll head over and try to talk to him," he agreed.

"Glad to hear it!" Zelda immediately perked up.

Eyeing her nervously, Mario set out towards where Link was sitting, quite a few seats down the line. "Link," he began, taking a deep breath.

Seeing Mario out of the corner of his eye, Link immediately turned towards Luigi, who happened to be sitting nearby, and immediately began talking out loud at the top of his voice. "So, like I was saying, I can't believe Mario even thinks he can get through those Games on his own!"

Luigi looked up, surprised. "Um... I don't think you were saying anything like that..." he spoke quietly.

"Of course I was! I mean, why would anyone prefer him over me? I mean, just look at our powers- I can carry an entire armory with me at all times, and all he can do is throw a bunch of lame little fireballs!"

"Link..." Mario muttered, a shadow starting to form over his eyes.

"Link, aren't you being a little..." Luigi started.

"No," Link cut him off. "I'm being a lot."

"_Link..._" Mario's muttering began to grow in volume.

"And look at our games! His are so _boring _compared to mine! I mean, you can take a sword and set out through all sorts of dangers to save everyone in the land from an evil warlord- or you can just go right. And keep going right. And get high on the occasional mushroom. And go right again."

"That's it!" Mario burst. "You know what, Lu? Come with me!"

"Wha- where are we going?!" Luigi gasped, a look of panic crossing his face as Mario grabbed him around the shoulder and lifted him up.

"You and I are going to start up a club where we talk about how awesome moustaches are, and how sorry we feel for people who _can't grow them!_" Mario raged, throwing a glare at Link.

Link flipped, shoving his food aside as he stood up to glare right back at Mario. "Well, you know what? I've _already _started a club of my own, and it's much better than _your _stupid club could ever _hope _to be!"

"Oh, really?!" Mario shot back. "And who else is in this 'awesome club' of yours?!"

"Hey, guys, what's going on?" came a new voice, drawing everyone's attention to Lucina, who was walking by. "Not that I really care myself, but Robin was wondering what all the shouting was about- I mean, we can hear you all the way from Sierra-"

"Ah, Lucina, perfect!" Link called out, grabbing her and dragging her close. "Tell Mario about the Fencing Club we just started, and how great it is!"

Lucina blinked. "We... we haven't started any such club, Link."

Link's face contorted in fury as he looked up at Mario's smirk. "Well... she's just observing the first rule of Fencing Club- do not talk about Fencing Club!"

"No, no, I'm pretty sure I'm not part of any clubs at the moment," Lucina shook her head, breaking herself free of Link's grip.

"GOOD! ON! YOU! LUCINA!" Link raised his voice through the roof, thumping Lucina on the back with each word. "ALWAYS OBSERVING THE SECOND RULE OF FENCING CLUB- DO NOT TALK ABOUT FENCING CLUB!"

"Alright, Lu, what's going on here?" Lucina asked, throwing her gaze at Luigi.

"I... I'm not sure," Luigi shrugged, looking over at where Mario and Link were getting closer, sparks flying between them as their glares hardened more and more. "It's so weird to see them fighting like this- usually, they're inseparable."

"Want to make a quiet exit while they're distracted?" Lucina suggested.

"Yeah... yeah, that sounds good," Luigi agreed, and the two headed off together.**

XXXX

And so it came to be that, when the next period began and Mario, Link, and Zelda headed down towards Crazy's cabin for Smashing Creatures, Mario and Link were still throwing daggers at each other with their eyes, and Zelda was repeatedly facepalming. "Well, that didn't go as well as I'd hoped," she muttered.

Mario didn't respond- he'd just realized something else. He'd been looking forward to this class- and the chance to talk over the events of... _that _night... with Crazy- but not only did Link's attitude ruin that, but this would also be his first class shared with Sierra- and, by extension, the Smash Mansio 'Dark Trio.'

Sure enough, as they finally arrived just outside the cabin, Bowser turned to greet them with his usual grin/grimace. "Well, well, well, boys, if it ain't Nintendo's hero. Better grab your autograph books while you can- he won't be around much longer to sign 'em. I give him... ten minutes, if the first trial's feelin' generous."

Ganondorf and Wario let loose with their usual chuckling and chortling, but they had to stop there, as Crazy exited his cabin pushing a large number of cages, each containing a very hacked-looking Ultimate Chimera. As Crazy explained his latest ruminations, there wasn't a single face among the students that didn't look abjectly horrified- Bowser least of all. Crazy explained that his meditations revealed the Ultimate Chimera's animosity towards each other was caused by an excess of pent-up energy. The solution, in his mixed-up mind, was obvious- the Ultimate Chimeras must be taken for a walk!

"Nope," Lucina muttered, patting Robin on the back. "Nope, I'm done. You and Wa will just have to tell me how it goes."

"Don't leave me!" Luigi cried, pouncing on her leg and clinging to it, getting dragged along as Lucina struggled towards the mansion. "I can't handle something like this myself!"

Bowser, meanwhile, addressed his complaints directly to the Crazy Hand himself. "So, let me get this straight," he growled out. "You want us to take a leash, wrap one end around these Wave-Existence-Forsaken things' necks, and walk them around the grounds?"

"Yeeeeeeee-up!" Crazy nodded earnestly. "Y'all might be wantin' da gloves on- me no say dere be lotsa danger, but better be prepared, all dat... Marios!"

"Yes, sir?" Mario asked.

"Dis one be bituva fighta, me gonna ask fur bitta help leashin' him up."

As Mario had suspected, however, Crazy's true intentions were to speak to him quietly as they put on a show of putting the leash on. As everyone else set off with their chimeras, Crazy spoke in what was hardly more than a whisper. "Soz... youz be trown in wit da pack, eh, Mario? Havin' ta go up 'gainst dem big cheeses contestants..."

"Yeah... yeah, that's what it looks like."

Crazy made a sighing noise. "Soz... any idea hoo be settin' you up?"

"You mean, you believe me? You believe I didn't do it myself?" Mario asked, not able to hide the relief this brought him.

"Coursies!" Crazy nodded. "You says it, me be bleevin' yooz."

"I wish I knew who _did _do it," Mario muttered. "Whoever it is, I owe them a right cross..."

The two of them took a moment to glance out over the lawn. The Ultimate Chimeras seemed to be growing stronger and stronger- several students were being dragged around by the beasts, and Luigi was in danger of being attacked by one that kept advancing on him and growling- it was held off only by Lucina, who stood between the two, routinely brandishing her falchion.

"I doan no no more, Marioz," Crazy began again, shaking himself. A definite note of worry had injected itself into his voice. "It always seemta be you wit yous head on da block, huh?"

Mario didn't answer- he was too deep in thought. That was definitely true... it did always seem to be him. What had Zelda called it- protagonist syndrome, or something like that? If she was right, that was a key reason he and Link were now on such bad terms...

XXXX

As mentioned before, Mario becoming a pariah at the Smash Mansion seemed to be a somewhat annual event. In a way, it happening so early this year was something of a relief- he didn't have to spend the rest of the year worrying about when it would happen now. That said, this was definitely the worst pariah-month yet. He'd thought the worst before was back in his second year, when everyone had thought he was a stone-cold killer with a Giga Koopa at his beck and call, but at least Link had stood by him in that case. That really was the worst part- Link. No matter what he said to Zelda about not needing Link, the truth was, Link's betrayal stung most of all. He often found himself thinking that the rest of the school hating on him would be nothing, if only Link would come back. That said, he hadn't been lying to Zelda on one count- he _refused _to force Link to see sense if he was bent on being... insensible.

As aforementioned, he could understand Hal's attitude, as much as he disliked it. Sierra's reaction (Lucina and her crew aside) was to be expected- the intense rivalry between Nintendo and Sierra meant that this whole thing was just the newest topic for Sierra to bash him for. Retro, on the other hand... hmmm... Retro. Mario had hoped that Retro would at least be able to take a somewhat neutral ground, and they certainly weren't as severe as Hal or Sierra, but when they _did _pick a side... it was with Hal. They weren't as vocal about it, but they still made their voices heard. The general belief among Retro seemed to be that Mario was a glory hound who couldn't let this opportunity to rake in all sorts of fame pass.

Mario wondered if it would be better or worse if he wasn't up against Donkey Kong, who had beaten him in Smash-Up just the previous year, and who, in general, looked the part much more than he did. The other contestants seemed to be receiving a shower of adoration, but the most popular person on campus was currently a close tie between Donkey Kong and Sonic.

On top of all this, Roy hadn't written back yet, Parakarry was acting distant towards him (though at least he got to cross out _Getting cold-shouldered by a flipping __bird_ from his bucket list,) Lucario had returned to predicting his demise, full-force, and he was doing so poorly in Pikachu's latest classes that he became the only person aside from Luigi to get extra homework- or homework at all, for that matter. Pikachu had moved on to teaching them about re-quipping, which worked more or less like hammerspace, in that one called weapons and/or clothing to oneself from another source, but didn't actually _utilize _hammerspace, making it somewhat distinct.

"It's not actually as hard as you'd think," Zelda commented as she and Mario set out down the hall towards their next class. "You just need to concentrate."

"Well, that explains it," Mario nodded. "For some reason, I've been finding it a tad hard to concentrate lately..."

As if to prove the point, they passed by a group of fangirls surrounding Donkey Kong, all of whom grimaced and gave him the bird as they passed by.

"But, hey, at least we've got a Double Power-Ups class next, right?" Mario muttered. "Nothing like good ol' Wolf O'Donnell to get my spirits up..."

And, sure enough, the torment that day began before they even entered the actual dungeon, as they waited outside for Wolf to arrive. Mario couldn't help but notice that most of the Sierras were wearing large, bright badges. Upon closer inspection, they all carried the same message in letters that glowed through the dungeon-y darkness:

KEEP CALM AND SUPPORT DONKEY KONG

THE KONG WITH THE LONGEST SCHLONG

Beneath this was a picture of Donkey Kong, in silhouette against a large flag of the country of your choice, grinning and throwing a punch in an inspirational, 'we-can-do-it' kind of way.

Mario introduced his face to his palm. "Great. Yeah, guys, I'm sure Donkey Kong loves seeing _that _message spread all over the mansion."

"Oh, it gets better," Bowser grinned. "Check it!" He snapped his fingers, and the badge changed. The picture changed to one of Mario's hat, worn and battered, being stepped on by a monkey-ish foot. The message?

FIGHT THE RED MENACE

SPREAD THE WORD:

MARIO SUCKS

"I've seen better propaganda on old Cold War posters," Zelda muttered scathingly.

Mario, trying to avert his eyes from the spectacle in front of him, spied Link standing off to the side with Ness and Diddy at his side. Link saw him looking, and quickly averted his eyes. He wasn't encouraging Sierra, but he wasn't standing with Mario either.

"We could throw you one, Hyrule!" Bowser chortled. "And I _do _mean throw, incidentally, I have strict policy against touching filthy wollywogs."

Mario, who was already stretched thin from everything else lately, snapped. Before he could even think about what he was doing, a fireball had formed in his hand, and he was preparing to throw.

"Mario..." Zelda interjected warningly.

"Oh, looks like the pyro wants to throw down," Bowser smirked. "Come at me, bro- let's see how well you do when Simon's not here to bail you..."

For a long moment, the two of them stared each other down coldly. Finally, they both acted at once- and we _mean, _at once. Someone timing it would easily conclude there wasn't a split nanosecond's difference in time from when Mario acted to when Bowser acted. Mario threw his fireball just as Bowser summoned a sphere of darkness and tossed it back. The dark magic and fire hit each other, bounced off, and ricocheted around for a solid thirty seconds, during which everyone ducked for cover. Mario's fire, to his horror, found its ultimate destination in Zelda's face, just as Bowser's magic found its home in Wario's.

"Zelda!" came a unanimous call from Mario and Link, who, all animosity forgotten, rushed over and rapidly began beating the fire off of her. Zelda was still moaning in pain, and, in fairness, she was carrying some pretty nasty burns. "Sorry," Mario muttered quickly but earnestly. "Sorry... sorry, sorry, sorry..."

"What is going on here?" came a very dangerous-sounding voice, calling everyone to look up at where Wolf O'Donnell had appeared, glowering down at the scene. Turning to Bowser, he growled out, "Explain."

"Mario just went freaking wild, sir!" Bowser rattled off quickly. "Just out of freaking nowhere- scared the smeg out of me!"

"What a load of bull!" Mario interjected. "We attacked each other at the same time!"

"Yeah, he just went _crazy _and attacked Wario, look!"

Mario blinked- in his worry for Zelda, he'd forgotten that Bowser's spell had been redirected to Wario's face. Looking, he saw that the words _Wollywog lover _had appeared on Wario's face, written in large, painful looking boils. Wario was currently groaning in pain almost at Zelda's level as he ran his hands over said pustules. Wolf grimaced down at the scene for a second before he growled, "Nurse Tessie." Wario wasted no time in rushing off.

"And what about Zelda?" Link objected. "She's a victim here, too!"

Wolf turned his attention to Zelda's extremely burned face- she was still whimpering in pain. Turning away, he muttered, "I've seen worse."

Zelda recoiled as though she'd been punched, then simply turned and ran off after Wario.

Luckily for Mario and Link, the dungeon's acoustics worked perfectly with their tangled shouting to hide their exact words from Wolf's keen ears, otherwise, he'd probably have taken them out to the grounds to feed them to the Bloop. That said, he seemed to get the message nonetheless.

"Silence!" the anthro growled, raising his voice much above normal "Detention, Mario, Faron. And... fifty points from each, one for Hyrule's injuries, the other for Wario's. I never knew you were capable of such _foul _language, Mario."

Fury coursed through Mario's veins as he and Link walked into the classroom side-by-side. At the moment, he felt capable of producing a column of fire _infinitely _more destructive than what he'd managed at the end of the previous year. Link was just as angry, and for a moment, Mario wondered if this cloud would at least have the silver lining of re-uniting the two of them, but then Link turned his back on him in favor of Ness and Diddy, leaving Mario to work solitarily with Luigi, who'd been more or less taking Luigi's place for the past week or so.

"That was terrible," Luigi noted, looking shaken. "Sorry about Zelda, Mario..."

"It's not your fault, Lu," Mario muttered. "Come on, let's see what we've got today..."

No sooner had he said this than Wolf spoke up from the head of the classroom. "Today!" he announced. "Today- we begin working with ether, a very important part of many power-ups! In particular, we shall begin experimenting with antidotes utilizing ether as their prime ingredient. You will work on such power-ups for the rest of this class, and then, we'll see if we can find someone to test them on..." The anthro's cold, bestial glare across the dungeon left no one in suspense, wondering who that someone would be.

For about half an hour, Mario and Luigi worked closely together- Luigi had noticed the glare as well, and was eager to help Mario avoid a potentially gruesome fate. However, their work was abruptly interrupted by a knock at the door. Wolf grimaced as he looked up at said door. "What... _now?_"

The door opened, revealing Pichu, who seemed to be hardly containing his excitement as he bounced into the room. It provided a hefty contrast to Wolf's cold fury as he growled out, "What... is it?"

"Please, sir, can I have some more?" Pichu asked, making a reference that would make Gamer4 seem about 9001 years old to anyone who caught it.

"What?" Wolf growled back.

"Sorry," Pichu shook his head, still smiling. "I meant... Sir, they need Mario Mario upstairs!"

Pichu's grin began to slide from his face as he finally noticed Wolf's glare. "Mario has a great deal of work ahead of him in this class yet, Minun," he growled. "He will come up afterwards."

Pichu's teeth were starting to chatter, but he didn't allow that to deter him. "Sir... they need him..."

"And who's 'they?'"

"It's... it's Mr. Ballyhoo," Pichu elaborated. "He's calling up all the contestants, something about photographs..."

Mario smacked his head into the counter. Of all the phrases he did _not _need to hear at that moment, let alone with a purse-lipped Link nearby, that easily ranked in the top three.

Wolf's grimace only deepened at the mention of Ballyhoo's name. "Alright," he decided. "But leave your things here, Mario! You _will _return once they are finished."

"But sir," Pichu objected, "they don't know how long this might take, all the cont-"

"Oh, for the love of the _Wave Existence!_" Wolf barked. "Mario, take your things, get out of my dungeon, and do _not _come back!"

Mario wasted no time in packing up and bidding a suddenly-much-more-frightened Luigi farewell as he headed out the door.

Once in the hallways, Pichu started up again. "Wow, this is _awesome, _isn't it?!" Pichu chirped happily. "You being in the Console Games, I mean?"

"Yeah, yeah, fan-tegging-smastic," Mario muttered as they ascended into the foyer. "Dare I ask what the pictures are for?"

"The _Fourside Tribune, _I think they said."

"And my day just keeps getting better and better," Mario sighed.

"Glad to hear it!" Pichu nodded happily, the sarcasm flying several miles over his tiny head as they began climbing the grand staircase.

Pichu finally left Mario outside an abandoned classroom of the type he was usually to be found in, discussing the latest revelations with Link and Zelda. Sure enough, Snake, Sonic, and Donkey Kong were all present, as was MC Ballyhoo, in deep conversation with another smasher Mario had yet to meet, carrying the appearance of a large robot with a white shell, but with several exposed large, black wires and moving parts beneath.

Sonic seemed to be following the 'rules to appear dramatic,' leaning on his chair, gazing out a nearby window with his arms crossed. No telling what he was thinking. Snake and Donkey Kong were talking animatedly to each other. Snake was wearing a smile, holding a gun and turning it over and over in his hands- he seemed to be explaining the various great features about it. Donkey was responding with a hand raised to his chin, a slight smile with his eyes closed, nodding and grunting in agreement every now and agian. Overhead was another robot, this one bearing the appearance of a robotic eye with a blue iris and mechanical lids. He was floating around, chattering wildly despite nobody seemingly talking back.

Ballyhoo wasted no time in spotting Mario, rushing over, and dramatically announcing his entrance. "And if it isn't our young Dark Horse! Contestant numero vier! Come on in, my boy, come on in!"

"Hi," Mario muttered. "What... what exactly is this?"

"Oh, nothing to worry about, my boy, nothing at all!" Ballyhoo chortled merrily, racking up yet another 'calling-Mario-'my-boy'' point. "Just getting an expert in to look at your power controllers, you know, make sure they don't give out on you during one of the trials. He's not here yet, still talking with the Master Hand... anyways, after that, we'll be taking a few pictures. I don't know if you know Glados?" he asked, turning Mario's attention towards the larger of the aforementioned robots. "Writes for the _Fourside Tribune, _she'll be doing a piece on us."

"Greetings," Glados spoke cordially. "As a brief disclaimer, though fun and information are the goals of the _Fourside Tribune, _slight misquotes or embellishments may occur. However, you need not worry- all robots of my ilk are provided with one copy of the laws of robotics. To share."

Ballyhoo broke into laughter. "Delightful woman, truly, she is."

Mario examined Glados closer- in a reversal of typical robots (i.e., Rob,) she was not touching the ground- her body was connected to another unit- a large ring of sorts, with a spinning fan within. This part kept her hovering above the ground, her body stretching down, until it came to a round 'head' of sorts, with a single piercing green eye within. If Mario tilted his head and squinted, he actually came up with the somewhat disturbing image of a woman being tied up upside down, dangling from the fan unit- or maybe he was just reading too deeply into it.

"May I speak with our youngest contestant before commencing the interview proper?" Glados spoke again, in an odd, stilted, robotic voice that definitely reminded Mario of Rob's manner of speaking. "I believe our readers may find the perspective of such an underdog an interesting one."

"Well, if Mario has no objection, I certainly don't," Ballyhoo shrugged.

"Yeah, actually, I'd rather-"

"I believed you would," Glados interrupted, before rapidly ushering Mario away from the others, towards a nearby closet.

Mario blinked. "Why... why a closet?"

"Why _not _a closet?" Glados pointed out. Mario opened and closed his mouth, but ultimately simply shook his head and sat down on a cardboard box. Glados commenced to hovering across from him. "Before we begin, I am obliged to inform you that this conversation will be recorded for future playback- I take all my own notes. If you have no objections, we can begin."

"Well, actually-"

"You truly are an agreeable young man," Glados cut him off. "Do not worry- after this interview-" here, something strange happened, as her voice suddenly got incredibly garbled, reduced only to a great deal of gibberish. Whatever happened, it repaired itself just in time for her to conclude with "-roasted, and then there will be cake."

"Roasted cake?"

"A delicacy on certain planets, I assure you."

"And the garbling?"

"Oh, sorry, my speech circuits seem to have been malfunctioning lately," Glados shrugged off. There was the sound of a hammer, and she turned her attention back to him. "There. Fixed."

"Oooooookay, then," Mario blinked.

Glados: Very well, let us begin with the basics. What made you, a 12-year old boy, decide to enter an event as dangerous as the Console Games?

Mario: Whoah, wait, what the heck? When did we go to script format?

Glados: Just go with it.

Mario: ...I'm gonna flip out by the end of this year...

Glados: GLAD to hear it. So, what _did _make a twelve-year-old boy decide to-

Mario (rubbing an eye with a finger): Well, first thing's first: I'm _four_teen, and I _didn't _enter myself.

Glados: Is that so?

Mario: It is. I didn't put my name in the Bottle.

Glados: I see. You know, you need not fear retribution at this juncture. You haven't gotten into trouble, and it seems you will not in the foreseeable future. Besides, everyone loves a rebel- just look at that one movie... the one with Anonymous...

Mario: V for Vendetta?

Glados: Right! V for Vendetta.

Mario: Well, yeah, I've heard all that before, but I'm only telling the truth- I didn't-

Glados: And how do you feel about the trials ahead? Id est, do you feel predominately joyful? Fearful, perhaps?

Mario: Believe it or not, the trials haven't really been at the forefront of my mind... but... fearful. I would say I feel very fearful.

Glados: Many contestants have died for these games in the past- do you find this thought occurring to you frequently since your choosing?

Mario: Well, a bit, I guess... but, hey, they say it's supposed to be safer this year, right? So...

Glados: Then again, you are no stranger to laying your life on the line, are you? How would you say the previous three stories in this series have affected you?

Mario: Well...

Glados: Do you think that the events of the previous three years prompted you to want to live up to your own legend- to prove yourself? Perhaps you entered the tournament because you felt it was the only way to escalate beyond what you've done before?

Mario: Okay, who do you think I am, Asuka Langley flippin' Soryu? I already told you, I didn't enter myself in the dang tournament!

Glados: And what of your parents? Do you remember them at all?

Mario (Vein beginning to throb): No, on account of how they died when I was a year old.

Glados: Truly tragic, but that asked, how do you think they would react to these events? Do you think they would be proud or concerned at your apparent lack of respect for your own life?

Mario was just about ready to punch Glados across the face, heedless to the fact that would be flesh against metal, but before the thought could really take shape, the door opened, revealing the Master Hand floating on the other side.

"Oh, _Master!" _Glados sounded off in her robotic voice. "And how are you on this fine morning? I hope you saw my piece over the summer on the convening of the high court in the case of Vera Misham vs. the State?"

"I did indeed," the Master Hand nodded. "I must say, the best part of the article, by far, was your description of me as an old man who should be in a home, not helping to decide important decisions."

"Well, I'm sure you, of all people, acknowledge the rights of the common people to have opinions..."

"I most certainly do, but this is a conversation we will have to pick up later. Game-and-Watch has arrived, but we cannot begin without one of our contestants."

Mario didn't hear much of this anyways- the moment he had an excuse to get away from Glados, he'd jumped on it with supreme vigor. On the outside, the other headmasters had arrived- the Master Chief, still in that armor, and Okami Amaterasu, as majestic-looking as ever. At their side was Manfred von Karma, who looked... much the same as he had before. Glados and the other robot convened separately from everyone else, commencing a discussion held largely in whispers. The Master Hand floated to the door, and announced, "It is my great pleasure to introduce to you the greatest maker of power controllers in our great country, Mr. Game-and-Watch!" With this, he swung the door open, revealing a 2-D figure with no obvious defining features except for a very round nose. He walked very robotically, seeming less like he was actually walking, and more like various pre-set images were lighting up one by one. Mario was caught by surprise- he hadn't seen this being since he'd gotten his own power controller- the hat that currently decorated his head.

"That is right, I am back, everyone!" he spoke in a deadpan, monotonous voice, raising his hands in the air like he just didn't care. "Thought you would never see me again, did you not? Well, you were WRONG!" From nowhere, he produced a boombox, booming out, "Guess who's back? Back again? G-dub's back- tell a friend! Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back!"

"He is _really _excited to be back, isn't he?" Mario muttered to the Master Hand, who gave a calm nod.

Finally, Ballyhoo cleared his throat. "Um... Mr. Game-and-Watch, sir? We kind of need you to look at their power controllers _before _the first trial starts up..."

"Oh... you are correct, sir," Game-and-Watch acknowledged, dropping the boombox back into hammerspace. "A brief disclaimer before we begin- I am well-trained in all various powers, so I will be utilizing your controllers in a fashion similar to how you would, in order to make the testing very clear. Is this okay?"

Various nods. Game-and-Watch nodded. "Very well. Let us get this party started! Will the real Solid Snake please stand up?"

Snake had an amused grin on his unshaven face as he stepped forward, undoing his bandana and handing it over.

"A bandana, hm? Very adaptable, but not a professionally-made controller, I believe?"

"True, dat," Snake nodded. "It was made by my Dad's mentor- she passed it on to him when she died, and he passed it on to me."

"I see," Game-and-Watch nodded. "Strange- I don't sense any obvious power sources..."

"Oh, that," Snake grinned. "That's what makes my controller unique- it's powered by the infinity sign drawn on it right there."

Game-and-Watch examined said symbol. "Hmm... yes, that makes perfect sense. That would give you a fine power controller, indeed." As he spoke, he began tying the bandana around his head. A moment later, black, 2-D machine guns appeared in his head, and he began firing them willy-nilly around the room, screaming Rambo-style, except still in his usual, monotonous voice. A black, 2-D grenade or two later, and he returned the bandana, declaring it good to go.

"Very well- Mr. Kong, if you please."

Donkey Kong advanced forward, untying his tie. Game-and-Watch seemed much more animated as he took this one into his hands. "This... this is one of mine, isn't it? I remember customizing it- the DK, right?"

"Yup," Donkey nodded. "It's a great power controller, and the DK just makes it more... mine."

Mario glanced up at his hat, wondering if he should get it personalized at some point. Eventually, he decided against it- putting, say, a white circle with a red M on the front of his cap would just make him even _more _recognizable.

Game-and-Watch tied the tie around his own neck, and abruptly grew several sizes. Great barrels began to form above his head, allowing him to lob them all over the room. This done, he returned to normal and handed the tie back over, declaring it a pass.

"Very well- Sonic the Hedgehog, come forth, if you would!"

Sonic walked up to the front- even at a walk, he cleared the distance faster than an Olympic runner on steroids. Upon arrival, he removed his shoes and slid them forward with his feet. He looked odd without them- as odd, Mario imagined, as he himself had appeared without his hat.

"Hmmm..." Game-and-Watch intoned as he examined the shoes closely. "These shoes smell like... feet."

"That's what shoes tend to smell like," Sonic pointed out, a smile crossing his face.

"Indeed... these were made by Sokolov, weren't they?"

"Yessir, they were," Sonic nodded.

"A fine maker of power controllers, of course," Game-and-Watch nodded. "Certainly the only Russian I know to consistently speak with a British accent. Of course, on a professional level, I can't praise him _too _much, but... we'll just... see..."

He donned the shoes himself, stood up, and sat down. "They're working."

"How do you know?" the Master Chief spoke sharply.

"Sonic's shoes are working, this I know," Game-and-Watch explained in a sing-song voice, "for the Coca-cola tells me so!" With this, he produced a coke from behind his back. "I didn't have this when I first came in."

Sonic chuckled lightly as he pulled his shoes back on and withdrew.

"Which leaves..." Game-and-Watch spoke, acting, as ever, as if he were going for maximum dramatic effect, "You... Mario Mario."

Mario shook slightly as he walked forward. Game-and-Watch gazed up at him from his seat. "Ah, Mr. Mario," he said. "You, I remember very well. Four years ago, you entered my shop. This eleven-year-old boy, with a full, excited-looking face. You had... the bluest eyes- your mother's eyes. I spent a large portion of that day trying to provide you with your ideal power controller, and the rest of the intervening years doing everything I could to remember you, because I realized that what was lurking behind those eyes was simply... greatness."***

"And his power controller, G-dub?" the Master Hand intervened.

Mario had to agree- Game-and-Watch had been summing up the rest of that fateful visit so well, he'd been afraid, for a moment, that he was about to mention how Mario's hat shared a core with whatever Wave-Existence-forsaken object served as Tabuu's power controller. He didn't blame his controller for it- he saw its relation to Tabuu the same way he viewed his own relationship with the Smiths- but it still wasn't a fact he was keen to parade around the place, _especially _with Glados within earshot.

Game-and-Watch took a while examining Mario's hat- Mario wondered if he was simply being overtaken by nostalgia for his last appearance, all that time ago- before finally summoning a fountain of flames that danced around the room for a bit before he extinguished them and handed the hat back, declaring it fighting fit.

"Well, with that, I am afraid I must be going," Game-and-Watch bid them all farewell, standing and making a strange device- a long cylinder with a glowing blue tip- appear in his hands. "I have a cameo to make on Doctor Who. See you all in another three stories!" With that, he stepped into a nearby blue box, which disappeared with a wheezing noise and a flashing of a bulb on top.

Mario blinked- wasn't that the Sky Runner?

Before he could delve too deeply into that mystery, the Master Hand spoke up. "Well, thank you all very much for your time. I'd say to go to your lessons, but they're so close to ending that there's no real point- you may as well go down to dinner."

"Master!" Ballyhoo spoke up. "Have you forgotten the photo shoot?"

Mario froze in his tracks. Crud, he'd forgotten.

Ballyhoo continued. "We need to get some good pictures for the _Tribune! _Hows about we get us all together, Gladdy?"

"That soundds like a fantastic idea, Mr. Ballyhoo," Glados confirmed. "And then we can get some individual shots. Are you ready, Wheatley?"

"All ready, Miss," the blue eye spoke in an accent from somewhere in the western UK. With that, he began blinking, making the sound of a shutter clicking each time.

It took a while for Glados to get him under control, and then to align everyone else just right. She spent a full five minutes trying to get the Master Chief to remove his helmet, but the headmaster flat-out refused to participate if he had to remove it, so she eventually settled for using the helmet itself as his face. Mario tried to hang out behind Snake and Sonic, but Glados insisted on having him up-front, using a half-baked excuse about him being the youngest (even though he was about as tall as Sonic, though the argument held the most water when he stood next to Snake,) and when all _that _was finally finished, she spent at _least _fifteen minutes getting individual shots. When, at long last, she was satisfied, Mario was just about sprinting away from the room.

Zelda wasn't at dinner, and Mario felt a twinge of guilt at remembering the face-ful of fire he'd given her. She must still be with Nurse Tessie... He ate alone that night, before trudging up to the Nintendo hub despondently, remembering all the re-quipping practice he had to do for Pikachu.

In the hub, he simply headed right up to the dorm, where he met Link. "Letter for you," the boy in green said bluntly. "It didn't come in with the normal mail, so you can guess who it's from."

"Yeah... yeah, I think I've got a good idea," Mario agreed awkwardly.

"Also, Wolf gave me the date for our detentions- tomorrow night, his room."

Not sticking around to make sure Mario got the message, Link left the dorm and headed down to the hub. Mario gazed after him with a mixture of sorrow and anger, before turning his back on him and ripping open the letter- it _had _to be from Roy. Sure enough,

_Mario- _

_There's a great deal I want to say to you, but saying it all in a letter just wouldn't work out. What we really need is to talk... face-to-face. Be alone in the hub on November 22nd, okay? I'll meet you there. Don't ask how- it'll work out._

_Now, I know you're definitely the kind of person who can look after themself, and it _definitely _doesn't hurt that you're with the Master Hand and Simon. But someone's certainly seems to be out to get you. Whoever put your name in the Bottle is no friend to you._

_708, Mario, that's the best advice I can give you- 708. If anything else unusual happens, still don't hesitate to send me a letter. While you're at it, let me know about the 22nd._

_Keep your friends close..._

_Strider._

_XXXX_

_*_Somewhere, an ornithologist is crying.

**This scene was originally for the cancelled random quicky a few chapters back. The random quicky itself has been cancelled, but I thought this scene could be salvaged and used later down the line.

***This is probably the most you're going to see me celebrating Halloween this year.

Sorry for the longer-than-usual break. My dad's truck broke down, so he's been needing help with that, and meanwhile, my roommate's been using the computer much more frequently. I feel like this chapter was longer than usual itself, though, so, hey, maybe that makes up for it. Next update, of course, is _Unexpected Drama, _but that story's almost done, and afterwards, this story will be getting more focus. See you guys then! Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	22. Shadow of the Colossi

Gamer4 in. Xeno, Xeno time is here... Oh, sorry, just excited about the upcoming release of Xenoblade X. Sure enough, I'm all pre-ordered up. December 4th is gonna be a red-letter day!... which is still several (by which I mean, about 1 ½) months away, so in the meantime, let's get started on the next chapter! (You know, at the rate things are going, it's actually fairly likely we'll get to _Winter of our Discotent _when it actually _is _winter, I just realized that...)

Disclaimer: As promised, let's get some more Gordon Lightfoot up in here! Go first in the world, go forth with your fears, remember a price must be paid. Be always too soon, be never too fast, at the time when all debts must be laid!

Chapter XIX

Shadow of the Colossi

"708? What's that mean?" Zelda asked when Mario showed her this letter the next day.

"_B_e _O_n the _L_ookout," Mario elaborated. "708- flip it over, and it's BOL."

"Oh, I see," Zelda nodded.

"Anyways, yeah, I'm just glad I've got this to look forward to," Mario continued. "It's like... it's like this is the only glimmer of light in a tunnel that's never been darker. Now that the shock of getting picked is wearing off, now I'm starting to actually worry about the trials."

"I think I know what feeling you're talking about," Zelda agreed. "It's like when you feel like there's this gigantic monster in your path, right? You can't see yourself ever getting past it- but you know you have to?"

"Exactly," Mario nodded. "I've never felt nerves like this, not even before my first Smash-Up match- it's like this is what my whole life has been leading up to, and now it's about to end."

"By the way, isn't this usually where the narrator steps in to describe what's been going on lately?" Zelda wondered out loud.

"Oh, that's alright," Mario shook his head. "I snatched the script for this chapter ahead of time, so that's what we've been reading off of- the whole conversation up 'til now has been us stealing his job."

"Which is why he's crying over there in the corner?" Zelda asked, drawing their attention over to where Gamer4 was whimpering, tearing up a sheet of paper he'd gotten from Wave-Existence knows where. "Hey!" Zelda objected as he dropped some of the paper scraps on the ground. "Stop leaving garbage for the yoshis to pick up later!"

"It's not garbage," Gamer4 muttered despondently. "I'm making a hamster home..."

Mario sighed. "Okay, look, will it cheer you up if we let you handle the rest of the opening narration?"

Gamer4's ears pricked up, and he spun around with a wide, goofy smile on his face, yipping like a dog.

Mario shook his head. "Fine..." he muttered as he handed the script over. "But don't think we've forgotten about the play yet."

Gamer4 jumped to his feet, disappeared, and ended the scene so he could start the actual narration.

XXXX

A-hem. Back in the saddle. Just a second, Mario was writing all over this thing... erase a sidenote here, a scribble there... Alright, let's get to this opening narration!

The truth was, Mario wasn't sure how talking to Roy would make him feel better- it didn't change that he was soon to be expected to perform some incredible feat of smashing in front of not one, not two, but _three _different schools, all of whom were currently against him- but nonetheless, just the idea of seeing his unkempt red hair was comforting. Mario and Zelda were already planning on what to do if the hub didn't clear out in time for Roy's visit, though they were hoping that they wouldn't have to resort to asking the Faron twins for assistance- they had no doubt the puffballs would agree to causing chaos, but the consequences could be... severe.

Meanwhile, Glados published her article, and... well. What an article. What was allegedly a piece on the Console Games turned out to be an all-out expo on Mario. Mario Mario this, Mario Mario that. Hello, Mario Mario, I hear you like Mario Mario! Here, have some Mario Mario, read all about him with Mario Mario! When, by some freak occurrence, there actually _was _a mention of Snake or Sonic, it was just to subtly trash-talk them, misspelling their names and comparing them unfavorably to... Mario Mario... and Donkey Kong may as well have not existed at all.

Mario would have been very uncomfortable with the whole thing in general, but on top of the whole article being about him, it seemed to be about some strange, perverse version of himself who'd said some very strange things to Glados during that interview. Just as a random excerpt from that accursed article...

Tears filled those crystal-blue eyes as the conversation turned to the parents he never knew- the late Ash and Misty Ketchum. "I suppose I do get my strength from my parents," he declares, fondly remembering Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase. "Yeah, I still cry about them sometimes, what of it? Are you saying you wouldn't cry if your parents were people as awesome as Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Soryu, only for them to get killed in Third Impact?"

Needless to say, by this point in the article, Mario was repeatedly bashing his head into the nearest convenient wall. But don't worry- it got better.

If solace is to be found in young Mari Mario's life, it is in the embrace of young Zelda Hyrule, who, as Pichu Minun reports, is rarely seen without Mario Mario nearby. Zelda Hyrule, as this reporter has discovered, truly is a majestic spectacle, with all the grace of a princess of old- driving a tractor.

Whereupon Mario made a mental note to track down Pichu and strangle him with his own hands.

This being, after all, a school, Mario had hardly been able to go anywhere since the article had come out without being relentlessly teased about it- a bit by Hal and Retro, but mostly, of course, by Sierra.

"Yo, home-dog, brought my handkerchief today, just for you, in case you break down cryin' in power-ups again!"

"Wow, just how many parents do you have, Mario? I always thought there had to be more than two..."

"Hey, Mario!"

"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF THE WAVE EXISTENCE, YES!" Mario snapped. "YES, YES, YES! I CRY SO HARD EVERY NIGHT ABOUT MY PARENTS THAT MY EYES FALL OUT, AND I HAVE TO RE-ATTACH THEM EVERY FLIPPING MORNING! NOW LEAVE ME THE SMEG ALONE! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY PLACE!"

...All of which was out of his mouth before he realized the person he was shouting at was a somewhat intimidated-looking Pauline Dama. "No, it's nothing like that," she was saying. "It's just... you dropped your hat."

She was, indeed, holding his treasured red cap in her hands. "Oh," he blinked. "S-sorry about that."

"No- no problem," Pauline shook her head, holding the hat out. Mario took it.

"Thanks."

"Yeah... good luck with the... with the first trial, you know."

"Thanks... again."

Pauline nodded, then ran off. Mario was staring after her, feeling like an idiot, when he heard someone clapping very slowly behind him. Turning, he saw Lucina standing there. "Still upset about the breakup with your boyfriend?" she suggested, her eyes half-closed.

"Shut up," Mario muttered. Geez, even the Sierras who were on his side were against him.

XXXX

Zelda, on the other hand, was handling herself remarkably well. Take this example, in which Maria Sheikah assailed her during one particular power-ups class.

"The grace of a princess of old?" she was quoting. "What kind of low-down princess movies was Glados watching when she wrote that article?"

This offered so many opportunities for a good-old-fashioned straight-man snarking that Mario was tempted to take them, but he knew better than to steal someone else's thunder, and thus waited for Zelda to retort- but she never did.

"It's a simple matter of ignoring it," Zelda shrugged when he looked at her, bemused. "Every self-help book I've read just says to ignore it."

Well, Zelda might be capable of doing anything a book said to do, but Mario found it a little harder to ignore than any of those old self-help books would suggest. And it came, once again, back to Link- to use an analogy (not sure if it's good or not, but whatever,) it felt like those Sierras were the sun, Link's continued separation was the magnifying glass, and he was the ant that was burning up beneath it all. Mario had been secretly hoping that his detention together with Link, being forced to prepare power-up ingredients by fermenting Space Pirate excrement with old monkey brains, would drive the two together again, and, for a brief night, Link had been more civil than he had been since Halloween, but the next day was the day Glados's Wave-Existence-forsaken article had come out, driving them further apart than ever.

Zelda was steadily reaching the end of her rope- she kept flitting between the two boys like an albatross, struggling to get them on speaking terms again. Mario, however, stood firm in his convictions- if Link admitted he hadn't put his name in the bottle, he'd be willing to rebuild the bridge, but until then, Link could go suck a railroad spike.

"Mario, don't be like that," Zelda shook her head. "Unless one of you two cares a whole awful lot, things aren't going to get better- they're not."

"Okay, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the Dr. Seuss quote," Mario nodded, "but where was the Lorax in you when I was trying to get you two together again last year?" Zelda fumbled for a moment before Mario continued. "Besides, Link's the one who started this, it's only fair he should be the one to end it."

"But Lucina's right, Mario," Zelda objected. "This whole thing really _is _like a couple's spat- part of which being, _you miss him. _And I know for a fact he misses you, too!"

"Zelda, I can assure you, without a doubt, that Link could get eaten by the Bloop tomorrow, and I wouldn't have a single crap to give," Mario shook his head.

Which was a bullcrud lie, and he was fairly certain she knew it. Luigi had been doing his best to fill the gap left by Link ever since Mario... enlisted him... but they were shoes that he just couldn't fill, despite his best efforts. Unlike Link, Luigi was more keen to let Zelda take the lead of things, never second-guessing her, and definitely never openly contradicting her, which meant a great deal of their time was spent in the library. In addition, where Link liked to take the lead into conversations, Luigi typically only spoke when he'd been addressed first, so things became much quieter during those two weeks from hell.

During one of these sessions, while Zelda was out getting a drink of water, Mario cast his eyes around and noticed Sonic the Hedgehog pacing through the books. He'd taken Sonic for more of an athlete than a scholar, but that hadn't stopped the blue blur from being a nigh- constant companion in the library. "Hey, Lu," Mario nudged his friend, pointing him out. "That guy sure has been spending a lot of time in here, hasn't he?"

"Yeah, he- he sure has," Luigi agreed, glancing up from the essay he was writing.

"Kind of suspicious, isn't it? I mean, he's already a senior, isn't he? And you'd think he'd be able to read over on the Halo, right?"

"It... it _is _kind of odd," Luigi shrugged. "But, hey, it's a free country, right?"

"I don't know," Mario shook his head. "I think it could bear a little investigation..."

Link would have jumped at the opportunity to do a little detective work, especially in place of essay-writing, Mario thought, as Luigi blinked, then shook his head. "Nah, I'm sure he's not doing anything wrong- I mean, he has every right to be here, too, you know?"

"Yeah, sure..." Mario muttered sorrowfully. "Sorry to bring it up..."

His head jerked upwards as Zelda returned. "Oh, hey, Zelda!" he called quietly as she approached. Lowering his voice even further, he muttered, "Sonic's here again. Kind of suspicious, would-"

"He's _what?_" Zelda cut him off, glancing over. "Ah, crud, that means his fangirl patrol's not far behind- come on, let's get out of here."

Mario hung his head in disappointment as he touched Luigi on the shoulder, giving the signal to move out. Luigi shrugged, packed, and followed behind as they headed back towards the hub. As they left, sure enough, they saw a little gang wearing Sonic-the-Hedgehog T-shirts sneaking in and preparing to pounce the unsuspecting anthro.

XXXX

We here at Project Solaris* find it _hilarious _to apply human traits to abstract concepts, so here's another one for you- time... is a jerk. We're talking an AFOSB-level _winnicot _here. Whenever you're in a happy moment and just want to stay happy forever- time speeds up, getting it overwith as quick as freaking possible. When you're experiencing something unpleasant, and could _use _some of that time-passage, it suddenly slows to a crawl. But the fastest that time _ever _moves, faster than any other occasion possible, is when you know something unpleasant is coming- it gets as fast as it does when you're enjoying yourself, then takes super-steroids to go even _faster, _so fast it could lap Sonic the Hedgehog three times before he even registered what was going on.

The reason we're bringing this up at all is because that's what was going on with Mario at the moment. Mario began to feel a constant sense of gnawing anxiety, occasionally accentuated by a bout of full-on panic attacks. Time was pulling a very strange trick where individual moments of unpleasantness seemed to drag on for weeks at a time, and yet, when he got to the end of the day and realized it had only been... a day... it still felt like the whole day had only lasted a few minutes, leading right into another hours-long panic attack that only lasted ten minutes or so.

As the last Saturday before the first trial approached, a notice went up in the various groups' hubs. That Saturday would be the first trip to Kurain village of the school year. Since Mario now had permission, Zelda reasoned, it would be good for him to get out of the mansion for a bit, get some fresh air. Mario did _not _need to be told twice- the sooner he got out of that place, the better.

"Is Lu coming along?"

"I suggested it to him, but he's busy," Zelda muttered. Sighing at Mario's ensuing spasm, she added, "Just kidding. Yeah, Mario, don't worry, your replacement goldfish is coming along too."

"He- he's not a replacement goldfish," Mario muttered, crossing his arms and looking away. "He's just a good friend, and I thought-"

"Geez, I'm starting to believe that Asuka might actually be your mother," Zelda shook her head. "After all, who else could be _this _tsundere**?"

"Stop using anime terms!" Mario objected. "How many of our readers will even know what that is?"

"Come on, Mario," Zelda pointed out, "you just _need _a third person in the group who dresses in green! You'd rather it be Link, but since you two are having this little _fit _with each other, Luigi'll have to do!"

"It's... it's not like that..."

"Yeah, yeah, it kind of is," Zelda shook her head. "Now, that said, I thought that, when we go down to Kurain, we could all meet up at the Colony 6 grill and bar."

"Nope," Mario shook his head immediately. "Not gonna happen."

"Mario..."

"No! You aren't going to scare me into this one!" Mario stood firm. "I'll go, but I'm not talking to that- that _grasshopper- _and I'll be wearing my blanket."

"Fine," Zelda muttered. "You know what, if that's the only way to get you out there, then so freaking be it." Muttering to herself, she added, "Wave Existence knows how Luigi'll react to that freaking blanket..."

XXXX

Mario came down to the hub wearing the blanket, where Zelda was trying to explain the concept. "So, Mario's got this special kind of blanket, see, and when he wears it..."

"I turn invisible," Mario explained. Luigi turned, saw that nobody was there, and panicked, leaping into Zelda's arms Scooby-Doo style.

"Holy crud, it's a _ghost!_"

"...Lu, this is the Smash Mansion, there are ghosts everywhere," Zelda pointed out.

"...Oh, right."

Mario took the blanket off. "See? It's alright, it's an invisibility blanket. I'll be wearing it today."

"Why?" Luigi asked, confused.

"He doesn't want to meet up with his ex-boyfriend," Zelda muttered.

"Ex-boyfriend?" Luigi repeated, confused. "What does that- who do you- ohhhhhhhh!" The realization spread across his face. "Oh."

XXXX

Mario felt great under the blanket- nobody was looking at him, referencing that stupid article or flashing off their _Mario sucks _badges. Zelda, who knew how the whole 'invisibility blanket' worked, was doing a good job of looking at Luigi even as she addressed Mario, but Luigi seemed to be struggling to adjust. His eyes kept flicking around as though he expected to see Mario, only for the realization to keep crossing his face, followed by his struggle to return to a seemingly-normal conversation with Zelda.

"So, anyone want to make a pass at Toad's candy shop?" Mario suggested quietly.

"Hey, Zelda!" Luigi repeated with unnecessary volume. "You know what sounds like a good first stop? Toad's candy shop!"

"Lu, you don't have to repeat everything he says," Zelda pointed out. "Nobody would question us just going there without talking it over first."

"Sorry," Luigi scratched the back of his head as they began making tracks there.

"But you know, that place _does _bring back a lot of memories," Zelda recalled. "I remember when Link and I went there, and Mario snuck up on us and surprised us all by singing the Duck Song- ah, those were good times."

"Sounds like fun, yeah," Luigi smiled, looking nostalgic.

"Lu, don't look nostalgic, you weren't even there!" Mario objected. "Did Zelda put you up to this?"

Luigi panicked for a second. "Oh, of course not! Of course, we wouldn't do anything like that!" Lowering his voice to a whisper, he added to Zelda, "Crud, Zelda, I think he's on to us..."

"I can hear you, you know," Mario muttered, tapping his foot impatiently, which would probably have been more impressive if his foot had been visible.

Zelda snapped. "Oh, come _on, _Mario, just take the blanket off, nobody'll bother you!"

"Oh, really?" Mario asked skeptically. "Take a look at the port bow."

Zelda glanced to her left, and facepalmed as she witnessed Glados floating along nearby, Wheatley bouncing around after her.

"Well, that was a fluke!" Zelda objected. "There, she's gone! _Now, _no one will bother you!"

No sooner had she said this than Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario came by, Ganondorf's boombox now booming out Michael Jackson's _Bad. _

"Okay, that was just a coincidence, but _now-_"

"Hey, Zelda!" came Maria Sheikah's shrill voice. "What're you doing over there with Luigi? I knew you were desperate, but I didn't realize you were _that _desperate!"

"Oh, love of the Wave Existence!" Zelda growled. "Din's Fire!" A handful of fire to Maria Sheikah's face later, she was grumbling, "Why would Glados be in this village to _begin _with?"

"Probably so she can commentate on the first trial," Luigi noted offhandedly, only to feel a large weight collapse into his shoulder. Glancing over and seeing nothing, his voice became much more nervous as he asked, "That's you, right, Mario?"

"Yeah... yeah, that's me."

"Something wrong?"

"No- nothing- I'm good." Mario got back to his feet and rubbed his chest, which had just finished clenching in terror at the mention of the first trial. He was doing everything he could to forget, to enjoy this stress-reliever, and getting that reminder did _not _help _anything. _

Zelda sighed. "You know what, smeg the candy shop. How about we just go grab a bite at Sharla's?"

Luigi listened to Mario's silence, and, interpreting it correctly, spoke in an unnecessarily loud voice that was starting to attract attention, "I don't know, Zelda! Maybe there's somewhere else we could go that would be better for our outing-"

"You don't have to talk to Link!" Zelda cut him off. "And as for you," she added, pointing an agitated finger at a newly-cowering Luigi, "_you don't have to speak for him all the time!_"

"...Sorry," Luigi muttered meekly.

As ever, the Colony 6 grill and bar, run by Sharla Black, was packed- it was renowned worldwide for its great food and drink. Mario cast his eyes over a group of Nopon talking loudly and laughing in one corner as Zelda found them a table.

Only a few seconds after they'd sat down, Sharla made her way over- a tall, beautiful-looking woman with remarkably tanned skin, black hair, a red bandana, and a large rifle slung over her shoulders. "Alright, what can I get you three to start with?" she smiled.

"I'll go with some Dr. Pepper," Zelda smiled back.

"And I'll go with a couple Mountain Dews," Luigi waved meekly as he ordered.

"_Two _Mountain Dews?" Sharla raised an eyebrow.

"I got really thirsty out there today," Luigi explained.

"Alright, sure thing!" Sharla nodded. "Coming right up."

Zelda shook her head and muttered darkly about the necessity of ordering extra drinks- as she did, Mario kindly tuned her out and gazed around the rest of the restaurant. His gaze fell on Link, several tables away, who, thankfully, had yet to notice them. He wasn't looking at his best either, hardly cracking a smile, even as Kirby, Meta Knight, and Teddy laughed and joked around him.

"Aaaaaand... here you go!" Sharla announced, plopping some drinks down in front of them. "Flag me down if you want anything else, alright?"

All three smiled and nodded, though Mario felt distinctly foolish afterwards. Luigi waited until Sharla's back was turned to pass Mario one of his sodas under the blanket for him to drink. Mario smiled as he took a long gulp- Sharla's stuff was some of the best he'd ever tasted.

For a long while, the three sat there, sipping at their drinks and saying nothing. Finally, Zelda sighed. "Well, this got boring quick. At least I brought something to do!" With that, she pulled out her manifest of SOYLENT members and started going over it once more.

Luigi blinked. "So... you're serious about that SOYLENT thing?"

"Of course I am, SOYLENT Dark Yellow!" Zelda confirmed, slipping into her 'business' voice. And yeah, since 'green' was taken, Luigi was stuck with 'dark yellow.' "And the whole thing would be going a lot smoother," she added, glancing over at Mario's seemingly-empty seat, "if SOYLENTs Red and Green would stop fighting!"

"Yeah, honestly, Zelda," Mario muttered, "I think if you were to end this whole SOYLENT thing, Link and I might just re-unite in the victory celebration."

Zelda shot a glare at him before returning to the manifest. "I'm not disbanding SOYLENT until every yoshi is free!"

"It'll be hard to disband something that was hardly ever banded together in the first place," Mario retorted. "Some groups are held together by stuff stronger than chemical bonding, but I hate to break it to you- SOYLENT is barely held together by old, worn out velcro and paper clips."

Zelda angrily turned to Luigi for support, but Luigi was busy hiding his face behind his soda, so Zelda simply leaned back with a huff. "I wonder how one gets into the kitchens..."

"For that one, you'll have to ask Kirby and Meta," Mario shrugged.

Mario lapsed back into silence, gazing around the room. His eyes landed on Lucas Ikari, Duster Osohe, and Maya Fey. Despite their rage towards him over the past couple weeks, he was glad to see that they weren't wearing any of those ridiculous badges that Bowser was making- if only because he'd imagine they'd be more embarrassing to Donkey Kong than anything else. He had to wonder what today would be like if that Bottle hadn't had to spit out his name like a winnicot- Link would probably be over here in place of Luigi, they'd be laughing about something or other, talking about what they'd imagine the first trial to be...

"Hey, it's Crazy!" Zelda noticed, looking up.

Mario jerked up and saw, sure enough, the Crazy Hand floating gently into the restaurant, talking with none other than Simon Belmont. Sharla met them at the door, taking their orders. Crazy made his, but Simon waved her aside. Sharla looked somewhat offended as she walked away, but Mario knew better- it was no insult to Sharla's drinks, Simon just preferred to eat and drink things he'd prepared himself as often as he could. In fact, even as he watched, Simon pulled out a piece of taffy or something and popped it into his mouth. Funny, he'd never pegged Simon as a candy-man. Heh. Who can take the rainbow, sprinkle it with dew, cover it in chocolate and a-

*CRACK!*

...And so it came to be that the narrator was silenced by a cracking whip.

Mario blinked as Simon gazed over the restaurant, until his yellow eye seemed to fall on him. Impossible... but nonetheless, Simon touched Crazy and indicated where they were all sitting, and the next thing they knew, the two were making their way over.

"Hey, there, Zeddies!" Crazy called out. "Mez not be seein' you 'round dat often!"

"Yeah, well, things have been a little... busy, lately," Zelda shrugged.

Simon coughed. "Well, let's get the BS out of the way right now, shall we? Like praising the quality of Mario's blanket over there?"

Everyone jumped. "You- you can..." Mario stammered out.

"Oh, yeah, this eye is specially designed- I see through invisibility blankets just fine," Simon nodded. "Good thing, too, or I'd have been killed fifty times over by now."

Crazy was a little more subtle as he leaned over and whispered, "Marios- dere be some awesomesauce stuff go down tonight- mez wanna let you in! Seez you down at da cabin tonights, is good?"

Before Mario could respond, Simon grumbled out, "Well, there's your message- let's get going, shall we? Places to go, things to do, and killers around here to _not _get killed by..."

Mario, Luigi, and Zelda all blinked in confusion as Simon seemed to grab the Crazy Hand and steer him out.

"Why would Crazy want to see you out so late?" Zelda asked rhetorically.

Mario shrugged. "Who knows?"

"Hard to say if you should go," Zelda mused. "I mean, you've got that... appointment tonight." She cast her gaze briefly towards Luigi as she spoke. Mario got the message, though Luigi was left looking bemusedly from one face to the next.

XXXX

And though it was true that he'd risk cutting his meeting with Roy short, Mario was sufficiently curious that he resolved to go down anyways, as long as he hurried back to the hub afterwards.

And so it came to be that Mario pretended to go to bed early that night, only to grab his blanket and sneak down through the hub towards Rosalina's painting, which Zelda opened from the other side. "Thanks," he muttered quietly- she gave a quick nod as he passed before entering the hub herself.

It was a cloudy night- not a star in the sky to light his way as he rushed across the grounds towards Crazy's cabin. Thankfully, his knock was quickly answered.

"Youz be bein' dere, Mario?" the old hand asked.

"Yeah, I'm here," Mario confirmed. "What's this all... about?"

His brief moment of hesitation was when he noticed Crazy wearing his suit-glove- the glove he wore whenever he was trying to be fancy.

"Mez gonna show you someting _bawesome _tonight!" Crazy explained quickly- well, not really explained, but whatever. "You no regret comin'!"

"Yeah, yeah, that's great," Mario muttered. "But whatever it is, we need to hurry up- I need to be back up in my hub soo- Crazy?" Looking around, he realized the hand had disappeared. "Crazy?"

Finally, he spied the hand making his way across the grounds towards... Sohnee's sub. "The heck?" he wondered to himself as he ran after him.

Okami Amaterasu was already climbing out of the large, metal, submersible vehicle as he arrived. "Oh, Crazy- it's time, hm?"

Mario blinked- Okami Amaterasu? Is _that _what Crazy had been so adamant about showing him?

Apparently not- Crazy's response was, "Yeah, it 'bout time to be gettin' to gettin'! Someting great to show off tonight! Just one ting, dough- dis all be tip-top secret goodies, K? Iz not being supposed to show anyone dis stuff- all under da hat, right?"

Amaterasu nodded, and Mario felt his curiosity pique. Something was going on here, alright...

Mario's confusion only grew as Crazy led the two of them straight into the Lost Woods. As was customary, he first had to lead them through the maze that formed the outer edge of the forest, made of tunnels of tangled branches and limbs. Eventually, they emerged into the forest proper, leaving Mario to become more and more curious as Crazy led them along.

Mario could recall two previous excursions into the depths of the woods before, both of which had ended disastrously, but, to his mind busy with worry that he'd be late for Roy, this particular trek seemed longer than all of them. He was just considering turning around and abandoning whatever Crazy wanted to show them when he heard shouting up ahead. He could see flashes of light, hear loud bangs... and finally, they arrived at the edge of the clearing, revealing large cages holding...

"_Bosses!_" Mario gasped, quickly shoving his fist in his mouth when he remembered that Amaterasu was right there- but even she seemed so taken aback that she didn't even _begin _to notice.

There were four large, gigantic... _things _lurking in the cages. Nearest to him, Mario could see what appeared to be a large, bipedal tank... but it was _alive, _kicking around, groaning, and roaring at the sky like a freaking _dinosaur. _Across the clearing was a large, robotic man with a large moustache, with a wide, freaky-looking grin that didn't seem to match the flailing and yelling it was doing, firing off lasers and smeg... A third boss, camping next to the tank, seemed to be a large crocodile wearing a crown and cape, standing on its hind legs, (naturally,) and banging against its bars with apparently all the strength it could muster. And finally... well, Mario couldn't even _see _what was in the final cage, but it seemed to actually be the calmest of them all, leaning back in its cage, allowing the darkness to cover it entirely except for a pair of great, big, glowing, yellow eyes.

Abruptly, a woman's voice seemed to direct itself over at them. "Crazy, keep back! These bosses aren't dinking around- keep back!"

"This isn't working, Midna!" someone else called out. "We're just gonna have to knock them out!"

The aforementioned woman grunted, then called out, "Yeah... yeah, looks like we'll have to! Everyone, on the count of three! One, two, three!"

Everyone snapped, and a great deal of flashing lights later, all the bosses had collapsed to the ground, unconscious. The tank sat down on its legs, the robot seemed to shut down, the crocodile slumped against its bars, and even the yellow eyes seemed to close.

The woman wiped some sweat from her brow as she approached. As she came closer, Mario recognized her as Midna Faron. "Well, that could have gone more smoothly," she muttered. "Hey, Crazy, I suppose you want a closer look! Knocked these little bastards out all the way here, but they woke up a little earlier than we'd counted on, and you can see that things just... kind of escalated from there."

"So, what kinda bosses you got here, buddy?" Crazy asked.

Midna gazed around at them as she elaborated. "Well, we've got a Metal Gear, from Alaska- an Eggbot from Mobius... a King Kremling from Brazil- we call him K. Rool..." Midna slowed down as she noticed Amaterasu stepping closer to examine said crocodile. "Why'd you bring her, Crazy? I thought I told you to come alone- I mean, is there any chance she _won't _tell her contestant?"

"Mez tink she wanna see dem," Crazy shrugged.

Midna shook her head. "You ever hear that loose lips sink ships, Crazy?"

"Yeah, why?"

Midna shook her head again. "Never mind, never mind."

"So, dis be da first trial? Kill da bosses?"

"Not kill, really," Midna mused. "Just... get around them, it sounds like. Then again, I didn't set up any of the trials, I was just called in to transport the bosses... so, how's Mario doing?"

Mario listened a little more intently as the conversation turned to him.

"Marioz? Oh, Marioz be doin' awesome! Great! Fantastic! Amazing!"

"Well, Mom'll be glad to hear that," Midna let out her characteristic laugh. "She's been panicking ever since his name came out of that Bottle, and don't even get me _started _on what happened when she read Glados's article..."

That was where Mario drew the line. Leaving Crazy to be distracted by his apparent two favorite things- bosses and Amaterasu- Mario turned and dashed off through the Lost Woods.

Were things better this way, or worse? Hard telling- on the one hand, if he'd faced those bosses for the first time on the day of the trial, odds were, he'd have passed out. But then again, he might anyways- knowing his luck, he would get the boss that he knew nothing about. Stupid darkness, always ruining everything. What could his fire do against something that large and powerful?

*_Whack!*_

"Who's there?!"

In Mario's distraction, he'd run into something very large and solid- not as solid as Snake, but still. Looking up, he shrank into the shadows as far as he could go as he recognized the full body armor and helmet of the Master Chief. He was scanning the trees rapidly, looking for whatever he'd run into. Finally, he seemed to brush it off and continue running forward. Mario let out his breath and continued with his own sprint.

More inner conflict hit Mario as he ran- well, it looked like just about all the contestants were in on it now. He'd just found out firsthand, and there was little to no chance whatsoever that Amaterasu wouldn't tell Snake, or the Master Chief Sonic, what was coming. Which left only Donkey Kong out of the loop.

XXXX

Mario sprinted up the stairs of the mansion- if he ever needed to talk to Roy, it was now. He fired off the password to Rosalina, who sleepily swung forward to admit him to the hub, where he proceeded to pace restlessly for several minutes, waiting for Roy to appear in whatever form he would. He was alone, but in his preoccupation, this bit of good fortune flew over his head.

Eventually, his eyes cast around towards a sink in the corner that's never been mentioned before, and, odds are, won't be mentioned again. He went to it and began running the water, splashing it across his face before turning it off again.

Except... it didn't turn off. It just kept coming, forming into a pool in the sink- which had also closed itself off. Mario watched in bewilderment as the water began defying gravity, rising up to form the shape of a face- a very _familiar _face at that...

Mario would normally be either shocked or snarky about this, but he was so desperate that he ignored both impulses, smiling for the first time in a while. "Roy!" he whispered quietly.

Roy's face smiled, too. "Neat trick, huh? Bet you've never seen this one before- outside of _The Abyss, _of course." Taking on a more serious look (har har,) he continued. "But what about you? How are you doing?"

Mario opened his mouth, and attempted to say the words, "I'm fine." He tried, he really did, he worked as hard as he could to force those words out, but couldn't. Instead, he found himself opening up, revealing every frustration and all the anger he'd been accumulating for the past couple weeks, everything from getting chosen all the way to discovering what the first trial would be, and, of course, the sudden, unexpected rivalry between him and the one he'd considered to be his best friend...

Roy remained silent, saying nothing as he waited for Mario to finish, but he commenced to speaking as soon as Mario did, indeed, fall silent. "Alright, we'll get to the bosses in a second, but for now, we've got bigger fish to fry. We'll need to talk quick, this little trick requires warp pipe cubes, so I had to break into a smasher's house to pull it off... Now, I know you're not worried enough, so I have a few more warnings to toss onto the pile here."

"Like what?" Mario asked, another jolt of dread hitting his chest.

"To begin with, the Master Chief," Roy explained. "Mario, he was a starman. You know what starmen are?"

Mario nodded. "Yeah, I... but, wait- the Master Chief?"

"Yup," Roy nodded. "A strong agent of the starmen, during the war. He got caught by Simon- I'd imagine that's part of why the Master Hand wanted Simon around this year, to keep him in line. The Master Chief did a full two years in Subspace before he was released just after Tabuu's fall. Said he'd cleaned up his act, but I don't believe it myself. He wasn't under any mind control, he was a tried-and-true starman, and nobody- _nobody_\- just _stops _being a starman."

"How'd he get out?"

"A deal with Manfred von Karma- he was a prosecutor at the time," Roy recalled. "He made a deal, gave the old man a bunch of names, people who'd go to Subspace in his place. If he's become the headmaster of a school since then... I'd be careful around anybody from Mycrowsoft, too, _especially _their contestant."

"Roger that," Mario nodded. "But... I can't really see the Chief putting my name in the Bottle- he was _furious _when he found out I got chosen."

"Well, we know he's a good actor- he managed to convince a great portion of the world he was a hero, bringing in all those starmen- claimed to be an agent for the good guys who'd spent two years in Subspace to keep his cover." Roy rolled his eyes. "Sounds about as plausible as half the stuff Glados has been churning out, but... even she can get the truth across, even if you have to read between the lines to see it."

"Glados?" Mario blinked.

"I've been keeping an eye on the news," Roy explained. "It sounds like Simon was attacked just before the year started. I know Glados says it was just paranoia, but you know what she's like already. And the truth is, if someone wanted to infiltrate the Smash Mansion, Simon's presence _would _make that much harder. I think someone really _was _trying to stop him from coming. Nobody would take Simon seriously either way. But the thing is, it's true Simon sees ghosts around every corner, but that doesn't mean that he's blind to any _real _ghosts that come a-calling. You've got to keep in mind that, once upon a time, Simon was the best hunter to ever be on the Government's payroll."

"So, your conclusion is... that the Master Chief is trying to kill me?" Mario asked.

"Basically, yes."

"Good. Well, we can throw that idea out the window, then."

"Huh?"

"Our first guess is _never _the right one," Mario shook his head. "First year, I thought it was Wolf, second, I thought it was Bowser, smeg, third year, I thought _you _were a killer. It's _never _who we think it was at first!"

"Good point," Roy mused, "but I still think he bears a little investigation. Strange things have been happening lately- those Starmen attacking the Grand Prix, someone lighting off the Mark of the Emissary... and have you heard about that Government smasher, Adrian Andrews?"

"I've heard the name, yeah," Mario nodded. "She went missing, right?"

"Not only did she go missing," Roy nodded, "she went missing in the Black Forest- exactly where Tabuu was last rumored to be hiding out. Mario... if they were already planning the Console Games back then- which they probably _were_\- Adrian would have been in on it."

"So... you think she met him? That she actually _met _Tabuu?"

"Look, Mario, the thing about Adrian Andrews... I knew her, back at the Smash Mansion, and... well, there's no two ways about it- she was a bit of an idiot. She had a good heart, but she was very curious, had very few inhibitions, and was a complete klutz. If you can imagine a worse person to run into Tabuu, with the kind of info she had..."

"And you think she told him about the Games?" Mario summed up. "And then he sent the Master Chief in to do... what?"

"I don't know, Mario, I just don't freaking know," Roy muttered, running a watery hand over his face. "I mean... I _say _nobody stops being a starman, but the Master Chief is more or less in Mumkhar's league- he wouldn't go back to Tabuu unless he was sure that Tabuu was the winning team. But I'm certain of one thing- whoever put your name in the bottle had a reason- and I can't imagine it's good. It would be a good way to commit murder-by-proxy, for one thing..."

"Yeah, it's a pretty decent plan," Mario agreed. "Just sit back, relax, and let me get killed by a tank or robot or crocodile or Wave Existence knows what else..."

"Yeah, about the bosses," Roy nodded, speaking quicker and quicker. "You don't need to worry too much, play your cards right, and it shouldn't even be that difficult. All you need to do is-"

Both of them looked up in surprise as the sound of footsteps filled the hub. "_Mother-!" _Roy cursed as the water in the sink fell back in on itself, erasing his face from existence. The sink opened up again, draining the water away, and leaving Mario preparing to murder whatever _moron _thought it was a good idea to interrupt him and Roy just as Roy was about to tell him how to survive the first trial.

As it turned out, what to his wondering eyes should appear but a green swordsman- sans sword. "Oh, it's you," Link noted, rubbing his eyes as he gazed at him. "Who were you talking to?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business. The smeg are _you _doing up?"

Link looked taken aback at first, but slowly, anger filled his face, and he retorted scathingly. "Well, don't think that I got up because I was _worried _about you or anything! I just needed a drink of water!"*** Here, he crossed to the sink, poured himself a glass, and downed it before looking back. "So there!"

Mario knew Link hadn't interrupted intentionally, that Link had no idea he may have just condemned his friend to death- right now, he was in a flaming fury against the swordsman. "Well, you know there's a water fountain up in the flippin' _dorm, _don't you? Or are you too blind to see it?!"

"Well, sorry for interrupting your practice for your next smegging interview!" Link shot back. "I'll get back to bed, leave you to it!"

As Link turned to go up to the dorm, Mario furiously snagged the glass Link had left behind and called out, "Hey, _assbutt!_" Not the best insult he could have thought of, but he was so furious by now it didn't even matter. Link turned, and was met with the glass careening across the room, right into his forehead. Mario stormed over and climbed the stairs, turning to glare at Link. "There! If you're lucky, you'll get a scar- and maybe _then _you'll be happy!"

For a brief moment, Mario thought Link might throw a punch- he _expected _Link to throw a punch- he _wanted _Link to throw a punch. But instead, Link slowly turned, descended the steps, and took a seat next to the fireplace. Mario turned and angrily stomped back upstairs, covering himself up in his bed, where he remained, wide awake, so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't notice when the door creaked open and Link entered, climbing into his own bed with more silence than the lambs.

_XXXX_

*Yeah, the Writing Gamer's Association has renamed itself Project Solaris. More on that later- it was a quick meeting. My status as the president of an association where a cat's the only other member meant it was a really easy motion to pass.

** Tsundere, as defined by TvTropes: A character who frequently criticizes their love interest and acts cranky to everyone else, but is sweet and lovestruck on the inside. Some good examples include: Asuka Langley Soryu from _Neon Genesis Evangelion, _Akane Tendo from _Ranma ½, _and both Kyon _and _Haruhi from _The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. _Popular tsundere lines include phrases like "Don't think I brought you a lunch because I... I _like _you or anything!" *Sideblush.* "I just happened to make too much food for myself, so don't read too much into it! Got it?!" Also,

*** this line.

And with one last reference to an actually pretty good (_man, _it's been a while since I did an Ocelot gesture) movie, we wrap this chapter up! Next update will wrap up _Unexpected Drama, _and then we'll go ahead and dive right into that first trial! See you guys next time! Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	23. Chariots of Fire

Gamer4 in! Naming today's chapter after a movie that I've only actually seen _once, _but which very much seemed to fit the spirit of said chapter! End-notes are liable to be very long, so I'll keep these notes nice and brief- let's dive right in!

Disclaimer: Beware of the darkness, be kind to your children, remember the lover who waits, and the house you live in will never fall down if you pity the stranger who stands at the gate.

Chapter XX

Chariots of Fire

Mario woke up with what could almost be described as a hangover the next day- it sure felt like he'd been drinking heavily the previous night. How out of it was he? Well, it took him a full five minutes to realize that that thing he was trying to shove onto his foot wasn't a sock, but Luigi.

"Um... can you take your foot off my face, now?" Luigi asked around this time.

"Huh? Oh, sorry, Lu," Mario let out a quick apology, lifting his foot from his comrade's rather bulbous nose.

"So, what did Crazy want with you?" the green thunder asked as he stepped aside to allow Mario room to dress properly.

"Just a minute, I want to let Zelda know, too..."

Luigi gave a quick shrug and followed Mario downstairs into the Dining Hall, where they took seats nearby Zelda and Peach, who were having a bright conversation over bowls of oatmeal. Mario felt like any food he attempted to ingest would be immediately thrown back by his digestive tract, so elected to simply sit and watch the others eat- Luigi was pouring himself a bowl of fruity pebbles- you know, that cereal that's so bright you can't tell the day from night?

Eventually, when they were all finished, Mario led Luigi and Zelda onto the lawn, which I believe is the first time we've referred to the grounds as such, and filled them in on what Crazy had shown him.

"_Bosses_?" Luigi asked, his teeth beginning to chatter nervously. "They're going to put you guys up against _bosses_?"

"Yup, they've got four of them," Mario nodded. "Which one would be best for me to fight, do you think? The bipedal tank, the giant robot, the big frakking crocodile, or the one I didn't even get a good look at?"

Zelda shrugged. "And what did you here from... er... Strider?"

"Strider?" Luigi asked, question marks appearing in his eyes.

"Someone Mario's in contact with," Zelda quickly explained. "We- er- we don't actually know his real name, he's only communicating through letters, but he's trying to help us figure out who put Mario's name in the bottle."

"Sounds like a stand-up guy," Luigi gave a faint smile.

"Totally is," Mario agreed. "He told me to keep an eye on the Master Chief, said he was a starman back in the first war."

"He was?" Luigi repeated incredulously.

"Yeah- don't you know? I thought you grew up with smashers?" Mario pointed out.

"Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean I know the name of every starman that was on You-Know-Who's side during the war," Luigi pointed out. "When it comes to starmen, I only know the name of a... a few..." As he spoke, he lowered his head, allowing his hat to cover his face, making it pretty clear this was a subject he'd prefer to stay well away from.

Zelda, taking the cue, steered them towards a new subject. "Well, we can worry about the Master Chief later, okay? For now, let's focus on getting you through this trial."

"Now that I think of it, Strider had something to say about the bosses, too," Mario recalled. "He said, if I play my cards right, it shouldn't even be that difficult, but there was an... interruption- before he could tell me what it was."

And so it came to be that a great deal of that particular morning was spent by Mario, Luigi, and Zelda pacing around Lake Delfino attempting to brainstorm a simple way to take down any given boss- after all, Strider's hint implied that it could be applied to any of them, not just one specific type. That said, there were so many different types of boss that it was difficult to think of one feature that could be shared among such diverse creatures, let alone how it could be exploited to take them down with ease.

Finally, they bit the bullet and made tracks to Zelda's favorite room in the mansion- the library. From there, they began poring over as many books as they could, trying to find something that could help Mario survive through the following week.

"Here's something!" Luigi piped up at one point. "Forming bonds with bosses- how to get ahead in your job- er, sorry, wrong kind of bosses..."

For Luigi's sake, Mario resisted the urge to snark and turned to the nearest book that he had, flipping through it and reading out, "_Your Boss and You, _by Dr. Wily Frankenstein- how to get the greatest creatures in the world to do your bidding and much, much more... No, that's not what we're looking for, who would want a book like this?"

XXXX

"Look, homy, you can't tell me that every copy of _Your Boss and You _is checked out!" Bowser raged at Ruto the librarian. "I freakin' _need _that book! How else am I supposed to become a prime, grade-A _final _boss?!"

XXXX

Zelda shrugged as she flipped through another book. "Let's see... well, this book doesn't sound optimistic about your chances- _Bosses are beings that have existed since the dawn of time, and have survived to this day due to the abnormal difficulty involved in slaying the beasts. Only the most powerful acts of smashing stand a chance of even agitating these creatures..._"

"But Strider said that it could be simple!" Mario muttered agitatedly.

"Okay, then how about we look through some simple books?" Zelda suggested.

"I've got one!" Luigi grinned, looking overjoyed at being able to help. "Check it out- _I am Sam- Sam-I-am! Do you like green eggs and ham? I do not like them, Sam-I-am!_"

"Thanks for the help, Lu," Zelda interrupted with a gentle hand on his shoulder, "but that's not _quite _what I had in mind..."

A half-hour or so later, Zelda grunted as she tossed the book she'd been examining over her shoulder. "I got nothing," she muttered. "Transformation smashing is too weak, you can only transform individual parts, not the whole thing- and it's kind of difficult to plan something like that when you don't know what you'll even be going up against. There _is _an old branch of smashing called Boss-slaying, it lets you take on the properties of the boss your fighting and turn it against them- it used to be just called dragon-slaying, that's the kind of boss it was made for- but that is _not _simple at all- in fact, I shouldn't even know about that, I only do because Samus has been giving me some AP transformation homework lately..."

"Zelda?" Mario interjected, raising his hand in a sarcastic fashion. "I'm sure that Natsu and Gajeel find that very interesting, but if it's not really an option for me, how about we stop talking about it and move along?"

Mario was already agitated at his complete inability to find anything that looked useful. He was finding all sorts of creative ways to utilize his fire powers, that was for sure, but nothing that he could really imagine as being useful against the bosses that might be expected to face. For example, one book told of a pyromancer who'd been able to use his fire to pick things up and move them, almost like a long, prehensile limb. Fascinating, but not really of use to him, unless he decided to go the _David and Goliath _route and just wing some rocks at those mothers, but that didn't really seem feasible either.

"For crying out loud!" Zelda grumbled. "Back again? Does he have his own halo, or doesn't he?"

Mario looked up, and, sure enough, Sonic had arrived again, going through some books an aisle or so down. Not far behind was the usual group of fans, fastening their Sonic the Hedgehog merchandise to their bodies. Zelda gave the order to move out, leaving the library with a despondent Mario and regretful Luigi in her wake.

XXXX

Mario woke up the next day with yet another burst of anxiety that almost immobilized him. When it finally passed, he found himself, for the first time, considering just getting the heck out of dodge. But, gazing around the mansion as he headed downstairs for breakfast, he realized he couldn't. This was the first place he'd really felt at home since his parents- and even that was a guess, he couldn't even remember what his parents looked like properly. What was it... a father who looked pretty much like him, a little on the short side, with black hair and blue eyes? A mother with long, red hair, and eyes that looked exactly like his own? Yeah, that seemed reasonable- regardless of what the Sdrawkcab Mirror had tried to feed him.

The idea that facing down a Boss was still a better option than going back and facing the Smiths actually comforted him a bit, but not to the point that he felt he could stomach a breakfast much bigger than a few nibbles from some toast and a sip or two of ginger ale.

He was contemplating all this as he gazed across the tables, when his eyes fell on the large, muscled ape eating over with Hal. Donkey Kong, he mused... Donkey Kong, the only contestant to not know what was coming in the first trial... the only contestant unable to prepare himself, physically and mentally, in advance...

Zelda was trying to say something to him, but he was too focused on watching Donkey Kong to hear. The ape was standing, hoisting a bag over his shoulder, and heading out. Finally, Mario came to a decision. Interrupting Zelda almost mid-sentence, he said, "Yeah, yeah, that's great... listen, there's something I need to do before Daisy's class today... I'll be right there, okay?"

"Mario, breakfast is almost over," Zelda objected. "You don't want to be late, do you?"

"Yeah, yeah, that would be great, thanks," Mario responded half-heartedly. "I'll be right there..."

And so it came to be that he stood and followed the ape out into the foyer, unknowingly being watched by a certain wide, yellow eye...

XXXX

Mario pursued Donkey Kong out into the foyer. Raising his voice, he attempted to grab his attention- "Kong! Hey, Kong!" Kind of awkward, but he wouldn't be as comfortable calling out 'Donkey' as he might be, say, 'Diddy.'

Everyone turned around, and several of the students around him began chortling. "Oh, look, if it isn't the dead man walking!"

"Read the badge, Mario!" another student called unkindly, flashing off _Mario sucks _at him.

Mario, however, kept his eyes on Donkey Kong, who looked genuinely curious. Taking a quick, deep breath, Mario said, "Look, Donkey, I need to talk to you about something... in private."

Everyone turned to see Donkey's response. The ape shifted his posture to a more condescending status. He raised his hands to his shoulder and shifted his head from side-to-side in some kind of noodleneck. "Well, if I must," he replied quizzaciously. Mario gritted his teeth as Donkey stepped away from his admirers, waving them off and following Mario into the nearest convenient empty room.

As soon as they were alone, Donkey dropped the crud-eating grin and took on a much more serious look, up to knitting his eyebrows. "Sorry about the badges, Mario... I asked them not to wear them..."

"Yeah, I didn't figure you wanted people walking around with buttons talking about your willy," Mario nodded.

"Well, not just that," Donkey responded. "It's... it's not right to do stuff like that- walk all over something you don't like just to make yourself feel better..."

"Glad to hear it, Cullen," Mario agreed, "but we've got something more important than a bunch of ridiculous campaign buttons to deal with right now."

"What is it? What's going on?"

Mario sighed. "Bosses, Kong- bosses."

Donkey raised his eyebrow. "Like that one internet game... _Whack Your Boss, _or something like that?"

"Not exactly," Mario shook his head. "The first trial- we're going to have to fight bosses."

"Bosses," Donkey Kong repeated. "Like, giant creatures walking all around the world?"

"Yeah," Mario agreed. "I've seen them- they've got four of them, just for us, and we'll have to get past them."

For a moment, Donkey Kong was silent. He didn't seem to be panicking, but Mario thought he could detect some nerves as the ape reached up to adjust his tie. "And... and how do you know?"

"Look, I _saw _them, alright?" Mario's ears turned red as he made efforts to steer the conversation away from that topic. "And the Master Chief and Okami Amaterasu saw them, too."

Donkey Kong examined him closely. "Then... why tell me?"

Mario gave a grunt of impatience. "Because if I hadn't, you'd be the only contestant out of the loop!" he explained agitatedly. "What, just because we're opponents, I have to act like a total winnicot to you? No- you're trying to get them to stop wearing those stupid buttons, and I'm telling you that there are bosses in our future!"

Donkey Kong still looked skeptical, but further conversation was nipped in the bud as a familiar set of heavy footsteps arrived. Both boys turned to see the scarred face of Simon Belmont opening up the door. Mario felt his heart sink at the glower Simon was wearing as he surveyed the scene. Finally, he spoke. "Kong, take a walk," he growled. "Mario... with me."

Donkey Kong shrugged as he headed out and returned to his flock of fans, while Simon led Mario up through the mansion towards his office.

Mario felt exceedingly nervous- was there any chance Simon _hadn't _heard that exchange? Not really, but he gave it a shot anyways- "Um... sir, I really should be heading out to Daisy's class right about now..."

"Don't worry about it," Simon shook his head. "I'll write you a note. We need to have a talk."

As they approached the room, Mario started as he heard loud moans coming from within. As they entered, the first thing Mario spied was a very... _interesting _video playing on a television nearby. "Oh, oh, it hurts so good!"

"Um... sir?"

"Oh, sorry about that," Simon quickly cracked his whip, turning the television off without the aid of the remote. "Left the old TV set on."

Mario blinked. "Okaaaaaaaaay, then."

"Forget you saw that," Simon growled out. "Don't want anyone knowing..."

"Hey, I like Nigahiga just as much as the next person," Mario shrugged. "Heck, _How to be Emo_'s one of my favorites, too."

"Yeah, but still," Simon scratched the back of his head as he crossed the room and took a seat.

As he returned to his more serious demeanor, Mario remembered why he was here in the first place. "So," Simon began, "let's talk about these bosses, shall we?"

Mario braced himself. "What you just did, boy..." Here it came... "was fantastic, I'm not going to lie."

And there it went. Mario blinked. "Huh?"

"Take a seat."

Mario felt very awkward as he obeyed this command, looking around the office as he did so. He'd had the... he used the term loosely, 'pleasure,' of seeing this office during two of the previous three eras- the Tingle Era and the Fox Mccloud Era. For better or for worse, he hadn't seen this office during the Dedede Era, though he couldn't imagine it being much worse than when Tingle had had the run of the place, filling the chamber with pictures and portraits of himself. Fox had made the place much more interesting, carrying specimens of strange creatures from all over the world to show his students in the next class.

So, how did the Simon Era measure up? Well, it was definitely better than Tingle's- it was filled with instruments that Mario figured had seen a lot of use during Simon's days as a hunter. Simon, noticing his gaze, smiled slightly. "Like my collection? Came in pretty handy a few years back, I can tell you. Check this out." As he spoke, he raised what looked like one of those love detectors- you know, you hold one side while someone else holds the other, and there's a little dial that measures your compatibility? Yeah, that's what it resembled. "EMF detector," Simon elaborated. "Jury-rigged, as you can tell, but it gets the job done. Not much use in a building loaded with ghosts anyways, but it can still detect real-"

"Demonic sons of b****es, right?" Mario guessed ahead of time.

Simon blinked. "You kiss your mother with that mouth, boy?"

"Sorry, I don't know _where _I get it from," Mario shrugged.

Simon narrowed his eyes slightly, but moved along. "Yeah, I've got quite the collection- all the usual stuff. Holy water, oak stakes, silver bullets, celestial bronze, all the normal stuff. But the gem of my collection has to be the Soliton."

"Soliton?" Mario repeated, glancing behind him at a black-and-white map of sorts, with various colored dots roaming around. It reminded him of the Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion, but not really.

"Yeah, it shows when people are approaching me. Friends are in green, enemies... red."

"Sounds like it comes in handy," Mario noted.

"Oh, it does, it does," Simon agreed.

"And the trunk?" Mario asked, glancing at a nearby trunk that he could swear he heard snoring from.

"Oh, that's not important!" Simon shook his head. "Not important at all..." He lowered his voice, and Mario thought he heard something about 'Busty Asian Beauties,' whereupon he decided not to touch that one with a 39 and a half foot pole.

Simon finally grunted and came to. "So, about these bosses..."

"Bosses? What bosses, I don't know what bosses you're talking about," Mario shot off rapid-fire.

The corner of Simon's mouth twitched. "Don't worry about it, boy," he growled reassuringly. "Cheating is just as much a tradition of the Console Games as anything else. As long as you didn't summon a crossroads demon to find out, it's fine by me."

Mario blinked, but Simon continued before he could speak. Leaning back, he spoke with a grunt, "Yeeeeeep, I've been telling the Master Hand from the beginning that he can stick to the rules all he freakin' wants, but Ammy and _especially _the Master Chief aren't going to play nearly as nice. They're here to win, because they want to win. They want to take the Master Hand down a peg or two, and I don't doubt that they'd resort to a bit of tactical espionage action to do it."

Mario opened and closed his mouth, but ultimately couldn't think of anything to say, so didn't.

Simon picked up the slack. "So, that in mind... have you figured out what to do about your boss?"

Mario grasped for something to say, but ultimately had to resort to simply shaking his head 'no.'

Simon gave a grunt. "Well, looks like we've got an underdog, here. Four corners- in the green corner, we've got Donkey Kong- looks like a brutish ape, but he was writing full essays on protection from the evils before you even knew what a smasher _was_. Blue corner, we've got Sonic the Hedgehog- he moves fast, and his mind has to be faster to keep up. Yellow corner, calling in Snake, the pride of Sohnee Academy- he built a customized handgun in his first year, and was an expert with it less than a week later. And finally, in the red corner, we've got... you."

"Yeah... thanks for summing that up," Mario muttered, his heart sinking lower and lower.

"Well, the Master Hand's forbidden us from helping the contestants," Simon recalled, "so I can't really do anything to assist you. I can't even give you a bit of advice. So, saying something to you, like, oh, I don't know, 'Find out what your strengths are, and stick to them like glue?' Completely off the table, I could never do that."

"Strengths?" Mario repeated. "I- I don't really have anything-"

"Well, excuse me, I didn't realize I was talking to Shinji Ikari," Simon interrupted. "I was under the impression I was talking to Mario Mario!"

"Er-"

"You have strengths if I say you do, so tell me- _what are they_?"

Mario cast his mind around quickly. "Well, kart-driving, I'm okay at that-"

"The way _I _heard it, you're the best kart-driver this school's seen in three millenia," Simon growled out.

"Yeah, but that's not really helpful here, is it? I mean, I'm only allowed to bring in my hat, not a full freaking kart..."

"And that hat on your head is just a worthless piece of cloth, is it?" Simon interjected. "I thought you'd have learned better than _that _by now!"

Mario stared, and suddenly, it clicked. Standing up, he said, "Excuse me, I've got a date with Erza Scarlet."

Simon allowed a smile to cross his face. "Now you're catching on."

XXXX

"Well, about time you got here!" Zelda looked up from her work as Mario dashed into the greenhouses. "What the heck were you doing?"

"Having a talk with Simon," Mario explained quickly. "Listen, Zelda, about this 're-quipping' stuff..."

XXXX

And so it came to be that the course of the rest of the day was decided. Every time they had a free period, Mario and Zelda would immediately rush off to the nearest empty classroom and practice re-quipping. Zelda had brought a rack of different clothing and had Mario attempt to put them on without actually touching them. He tried- he really did- but it seemed like, no matter what he did, he was stuck in his standard red clothes. At one point, he managed to get himself to start glowing, as one did when they were re-quipping, but when it died down, all he'd managed to do was take his shirt off, leaving the overalls, as well as just about everything else.

"Well, now I look like some stereotypical redneck with sixty-two cousins who are all named 'Clem,'" Mario muttered irritably, storming over to his shirt and pulling it back on. "Any chance that I'll be able to salvage this by tomorrow?"

"Of course, Mario," Zelda nodded. "You just need to concentrate."

"Gee, I wonder why I might be finding that so difficult," Mario replied sarcastically.

If Mario had had his way, they'd have just kept practicing for the rest of the day, classes be smegged, but, of course, Zelda wouldn't have it, so the next class found Mario sitting reluctantly in the attic, listening to Lucario describing, in graphic detail, how people born at the tail-end of July were likely to suffer sudden, violent deaths.

"Weren't _you _born almost at the end of July, Mario?" Luigi asked nervously.

"Yeah, well, you know what, Lu?" Mario muttered back. "I used to give a crap about Lucario's predictions, but then... I took an arrow to the knee."

Across the room, Link smirked, but suddenly seemed to catch on to what he was doing, and forced his face back into a frown. The rest of the class was taken up by Mario filling Link in, in whispers, about what was going on and his game plan. At the end of the class, Luigi followed Mario down to the Dining Hall, where they re-united with Zelda, had some dinner, and headed back to their empty classroom.

"Are you guys sure this is going to work?" Luigi asked nervously, standing off to the side with his beloved pet saturn, Mr. Saturn, perched on his head.

Mario, trying to start from something easier, focused on simply re-quipping a glove. "No, Lu, we aren't, but frankly, at this point, we're basically out of options."

"Mr. SaTuRn SaY tO yOu, EvErYtHiNg GoNnA bE aLrIgHt, ding ding!" Mr. Saturn put in.

"Does Mr. Saturn happen to be a Bob Marley fan, by any chance?" Mario suggested.

"As a matter of fact, he is," Luigi nodded, a smile crossing his face as he patted the saturn on the head.

A few moments later, Mario focused with all his might, and found himself glowing- it grew brighter, then finally died... looking down, he found himself in the exact clothing from Zelda's rack that he'd been attempting to switch with- an _Evangelion-_style plug suit. "Success!" he broke into a smile for the first time.

"Right on!" Zelda smiled.

"You finally did it, bro!" Luigi cheered.

Mario's smile started to slide from his face. "That said, though... why did you even _have _this, Zelda?"

Zelda's ears turned red. "Er... not important!" she said quickly. "Alright, try re-quipping back to your own clothes, just to make sure it wasn't a fluke!"

Mario focused, imagining himself in his standard red shirt, pants, and overalls. A bright glow later, he was standing there in them.

"Good, great, awesome, outstanding, _amazing!_" Luigi cheered.

"Don't get too excited, alright, Lu?" Mario said, though the corners of his mouth twitched nonetheless. "Well, I guess that's the secret to success- don't reward yourself for getting stuff right, threaten yourself with a boss when you're getting it wrong."

"The more you know," Zelda smirked.

"Yeah, the more you know," Mario agreed. A quick glow, and he was standing there in Luigi's clothes, causing Luigi to yelp as his own clothes seemingly turned red. "Wish I could have done this during the play..."

"That would have been helpful, yeah," Zelda agreed as Mario quickly returned his and Luigi's clothes to normal. "Alright, let's call it a night, huh? You're going to need all the sleep you can get, after all..."

XXXX

When Mario woke the next morning, a cold, seething dread had taken him. As he left his bed, he was legitimately wondering if he'd ever be able to sleep in it again. Was his life to end that day? Link, Diddy, and Ness had already left- Luigi had stayed behind to meekly pat his shoulder in a 'there there' kind of way as he got dressed.

That day happened to be a half-day, all lessons shortened so that the first trial could take place. The effect this had on Mario was to make the last of his precious, trial-free hours seem to pass by faster than he'd ever thought possible. It almost seemed like one second, he'd gotten up, and the next, he was bidding a nervous-looking Zelda and a flat-out _terrified _Luigi good-bye in the foyer.

"Good luck, Mario!" they both said.

"Just remember everything from yesterday- focus, concentrate, and follow through," Zelda reminded him. "And, while your at it..."

"Fight a boss?" Mario suggested.

"Well, actually, I was going to say to not look directly at Snake's abs," Zelda smiled weakly. "They're like a black hole that'll suck you in."

Luigi was unable to restrain himself- he dashed forward and hugged Mario tightly as he bid his farewell. "Don't die out there!" he spoke through tears. "You're one of the greatest guys I know! Come back safe!"

"It's going to be okay, Lu," Mario forced out, patting the boy in green on the back as he gently removed him. "It's going to be okay." He wondered how he could tell such a bald-faced lie when he felt like he was heading out to the gallows.

"Mario... with me," came a new voice, and he turned to see Samus approaching. "I'll take you out to the tent," she was saying. "After that, I have to meet Martin up in the stands."

Mario nodded and, trembling violently all over, followed the head of his group out onto the lawn.

He jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he saw it was Samus's. "Keep calm, it'll all be over soon," she whispered. "At the end of this day, you'll be relaxing in the hub, wondering why you were ever worrying about this. Just... keep calm and carry on like a wayward son."

Mario blinked in surprise- Samus must be genuinely worried, she _never _made those kinds of references.

Finally, they arrived outside a tent on the edge of the grounds. "I have to go," Samus said, stepping away. "Ballyhoo will be here in a minute. He'll be explaining... things..." Her voice began trembling as she spoke, and it seemed like she was struggling to keep it from breaking even as she turned and headed off.

Mario turned and entered the tent. All the other contestants, sure enough, were already present. Sonic was pacing at a brisk walk in one corner, while Donkey Kong sat nearby, eyes closed as he rested his head on his chin. Snake was running his hand through his hair, seeming somewhat paler than usual, with a haunted look on his face. Mario couldn't blame them, of course- he felt like he was on the verge of a heart attack, himself- but at least they'd volunteered for this.

The old, familiar whirring sound signaled the arrival of MC Ballyhoo, this time with Manfred von Karma nowhere to be found. "Welcome!" he chortled, as joyful as ever. "Welcome, one and all, to the first trial of the Console Games! We are glad to see you here! I'll be up in the stands, commentating, of course, but first, I thought I'd stop by and explain the rules! You'll be heading out into the arena soon, with one very simple objective- in the center will be an orange sphere, which you must collect!" To demonstrate, Ballyhoo produced a large, metal, orange sphere with a large groove around the circumference, which seemed to be emitting a yellow light of sorts. "Seems simple enough, but there will be... well, an obstacle in your way. And that's where..."

Here, Ballyhoo swept off his overlarge top hat, revealing beneath it... another overlarge purple top hat. The one he'd taken off, he offered to Snake. "There are four different obstacles, one for each contestant, so pick away!"

Snake kept full eye contact with Ballyhoo- well, as much as possible- as he reached into the hat and pulled out a small figure- an effigy of a robot resembling a man with an egg-shaped head. "Ah, the Eggbot!" Ballyhoo grinned. "Very classy!"

Snake's face firmed up, and Mario could tell- he was nervous, but not as surprised as he would have been if he'd gone into this without prior knowledge.

"Well, well, well, how's about we have Donkey Kong draw next?" Ballyhoo suggested, brandishing the hat at him. Donkey gave a nervous smile and reached in, pulling out a figure of the large, bipedal tank. "So, it's to be the ape vs. the Metal Gear, hm?" Ballyhoo chuckled. "I'm getting more and more excited all the time! Mr. Hedgehog?"

"Got it," Sonic shrugged, producing a figure that he had already. Ballyhoo glanced into the hat, then at Sonic's hand, then burst out laughing.

"The fastest thing alive, indeed!" he cracked up. "And you've got... ah, I see! The Blue Blur vs. the Krool King! Alright, that only leaves... well, why don't you show us, Mario?"

_Smeg me, it _is _the one I couldn't see, _Mario thought as he reached out for the hat. Time to lay eyes on his boss for the first time...

Whatever it was, he thought as he closed his hand around his figure, it seemed to have a lot of edges...

Pulling it out, his eyes fell on... a dragon. A skeletal, purple dragon that also seemed pterodactyl-like, in the shape of its head, with large, yellow wings, a mouthful of razor-sharp teeth, and wearing what seemed like armor plating.

"Ah, the Meta Dragon," Ballyhoo announced dramatically. "The last, but certainly not least, of the bosses that we've brought in for you all today."

Silence fell on the tent, allowing it to be filled with the sounds of the stadium being filled.

XXXX

Luigi and Zelda sat side-by-side in the stands. "He's going to be okay, right? He said he was going to be okay," Luigi asked nervously of Zelda. "He wouldn't lie to me like that, right?"

"There are a lot of things Mario Mario will do to you," came a bitter-sounding voice, drawing Luigi's attention to where Link was sitting, right beside him. "And not always for the better."

"Don't talk about him like that!" Luigi objected. "You two used to be such great friends, and now, he might just die! Doesn't that matter to you at all?"

Link hesitated, but eventually, a scowl formed on his face. "No. It doesn't."

"Link..." Luigi said sadly as he lowered his head, once again hiding his face behind the shadow of his hat. "You... you're..."

Link and Zelda both turned in amazement at his next line. "You're making me angry."

"Come again?" Link asked, caught off guard.

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry..." Luigi muttered, causing Link to unconsciously scoot back an inch or two.

XXXX

"Well, I've got to run off soon, commentating to do, and all that!" Ballyhoo grinned. "But first... Mario, can I have a word?"

Mario raised an eyebrow. "Okay..."

As they headed out, Ballyhoo turned on him, floating backwards as they made their way out of earshot. "So, Mario!" he began brightly. "Care to hear a secret or two about this trial?"

Mario blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Oh, just, you know, you're the underdog here, I thought that I might be able to send a little advice your way, ease your passage a tad."

Mario was at a brief loss for words, but finally managed, "No... no thanks, I've got a plan."

"A plan?" Ballyhoo repeated. "Already? I mean, you only just found out."

"Don't worry about me," Mario shrugged. "I can think on my feet. I'm sharp, I'm on it."

Ballyhoo opened his mouth, but a cannon blast caught his attention. "Oh, Wave Existence! I've got to go!"

With that, the propellor on his hat began spinning faster, carrying him up and over into the stands. Mario stared as he went, wondering what all that had been about.

XXXX

Ballyhoo plopped himself down in the stands. "Am I late?" he asked of the woman sitting next to him.

"No, right on time, actually," Samus replied, gazing down at the arena. "So, who's first up?"

"Well, let's tell everyone, shall we?" Ballyhoo grinned. A second later, he had his Hocotate-Freight-brand Amplified Amplifier out and was shouting, "GOOOOOOOOD AFTERNOOOOOOON SMASH MANSION! HAVE WE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TODAY! I AM SITTING HERE WITH MY GUEST COMMENTATOR, SAMUS ARAN, AND WE ARE READY TO SHOW YOU THE FIRST TRIAL OF THE CONSOLE GAMES! IT'S BEEN A LONG ROAD GETTING HERE, TRULY, IT HAS, BUT HERE, WE ARE FINALLY READY TO PRESENT! FOR OUR FIRST TRIAL HERE TODAY, WE WILL HAVE OUR CONTESTANTS STRUGGLE TO GET PAST A BOSS AND COLLECT A CLUE TO THE NEXT TRIAL! FOR OUR FIRST MATCH-UP, CAN THE INCREDIBLE KONG ADVANCE TO THE STADIUM FOR HIS MATCH AGAINST THE TERROR IN STEEL, METAL GEAR?!"

XXXX

"Metal Gear?" Snake burst out as the commentary reached their ears.

"Well, it looks like I'm up," Donkey Kong smiled faintly. "Good luck, all." With that, he stood and headed out, swinging on his arms, into the arena.

It... was... terrible. Waiting in the tent, just sitting there, imagining all the things that could go wrong once he headed out... imagining what was happening to Donkey Kong at that very minute, with only Ballyhoo's commentary to go on...

Snake was glancing around nervously the whole time. Finally, he stood and advanced on Sonic. "Mind cutting the pacing off a bit, friend?" he suggested. "Nothing against you, but you're kind of kicking up a twister in here."

Sonic looked around at the dust devil he was forming, gave a faint nod, and took a seat. Mario sat across the tent from the others, almost lowering his head between his knees.

Finally, a cheer arose from the stadium that could mean only one thing- Donkey Kong, through thick or thin, had managed to secure his orange ball.

"WELL, IF THAT WASN'T A FINE SHOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!" Ballyhoo announced cheerfully. "BUT LET'S SEE WHAT THE JUDGES THINK, SHALL WE?" A moment of silence- apparently, the judges were holding their scores up Olympics-style. "WELL DONE, MR. KONG, WELL DONE! NEXT, WILL SOLID SNAKE PLEASE ADVANCE INTO THE STADIUM AT THIS TIME?"

Snake looked like he was about to vomit, but forced a smile nonetheless as he brushed the edge of his bandana and headed out of the tent.

XXXX

"My, that is quite a specimen he'll be going up against!" Ballyhoo noted. "What do you think, Samus?" As he spoke, he held out the Amplifier for her to make her voice heard.

"An Eggbot- it seems like something that would be up his alley," Samus shrugged. "I'm no expert on bosses, Ballyhoo."

"Well, I thought that you had extended experience with this kind of thing," Ballyhoo smirked, "so..."

Samus froze. Finally, she muttered, "Yeah, well, I thought _you _had extended experience with _shutting the smeg up, _but I guess we're both going to be disappointed, hm?"

XXXX

And the anxiety began anew. Mario could only imagine what Snake was doing out there. He was left with only Ballyhoo's vague descriptions and Samus's occasional input. "Well, that may not have been the best idea," Samus commented.

"This is getting a tad brutal!" Ballyhoo burst out. "First-years in the audience, shield your eyes!"

"Well, he'll certainly be feeling _that _in the morning," Samus noted dryly.

And, finally, "And he sticks the landing! Snake has retrieved his sphere! Let's go to the judges, shall we?" Moment of silence. "Okay, with that in mind, let's turn to Sonic the Hedgehog and his battle against the mighty King of Kremlings, K. Rool!"

Sonic stood and didn't even glance at Mario as he stepped out. Now Mario was all alone, and feeling even worse than before. All alone, knowing that as soon as Sonic captured his orb, he'd be out there, facing this monstrosity of a dragon...

Finally, Ballyhoo was calling out, "What an exciting match! Truly, this hedgehog lives up to his reputation! But now, for the final match of the day, let us call out the dark horse fourth contestant, the ultimate underdog... MARIO... _MARIOOOOOOOO!_"

Mario was just about limping as he made his way out into the arena, where he was almost deafened by the roar of the crowd- and the roar of his 'obstacle,' as Ballyhoo had put it...

XXXX

"I can't look!" Luigi cried, hiding his face in Zelda's shoulder. Zelda was nervous herself, reaching around and patting Luigi on the back. Link was struggling to remain stoic, but his facade was beginning to crack.

"Come on, it's alright to be worried, Link, I mean, he's your friend!" Zelda addressed him.

"_Him?_" Link scoffed, donning his 'Akane Tendo' mask. "Like I care about that jerk! He can go get himself killed for all _I _care!"

XXXX

"As a bit of trivia, this particular Meta Dragon was specially raised to be among the most vicious of his kind!" Ballyhoo announced. "Some of the folks involved have given him a nickname- we call him Ridley!"

Glancing over, he saw Samus narrowing her eyes at the dragon below. "Something wrong over there, Ms. Aran?"

"Something about that dragon... puts me off..." she muttered.

"Well, I can't imagine what it is," Ballyhoo shrugged. "I mean, it's a dragon! Dragons are cool!"

Samus looked as though something was agitating her, though, and it ultimately culminated in her grabbing the amplifier and shouting out, "COME ON, MARIO! KICK THAT DRAGON'S FUCKING _ASS!_"*

XXXX

Mario blinked- wow, _that _wasn't something he was expecting to hear. But right now, he was trying to keep his eyes on the monstrosity in front of him- a large, skeletal dragon that perfectly matched the figure he'd been given in the tent, only much, _much _bigger. It was currently crouching over a dip in the ground filled with what looked like eggs, in the center of which sat the sphere he'd come in for. Everything was blurring together... blood was pumping in his ears...

And then he was forced to leap to the side as 'Ridley' dove forward, smashing at the ground next to him with his mighty claws. He just barely avoided the claws, let alone the rock that _exploded _when impacted with Ridley's strength...

XXXX

"Are you sure you aren't worried about him?" Zelda persisted, glancing over at Link.

Link had switched over to his 'Asuka Langley Soryu' mask as he struggled to keep sounding angry. "I- I... I don't give a crap about that... that _baka hentai!_ I... I..."

Mario just _barely _managed to avoid another swipe of those deadly claws, and Link seemed to break down. Casting the mask aside, he cried out, "Come on, Mario, don't let that dragon beat you!"

XXXX

Mario was struggling to focus, but he found it harder now than ever before. Ridley reared back, letting out a screech. As he did, balls of energy began flying out of his mouth, streaking right towards him. _Well, _this _is different, _Mario thought. _I've heard of dragons breathing a lot of things, but balls of energy? _

It wasn't nearly as snarky as most of his straight-man comments, but it was enough to energize him- he avoided them by leaping up onto a rock nearby, and, abandoning all common sense, running directly _at _the beast, jumping up in the air as Ridley crouched down. In midair, he shouted out the word that was going to save his life today- "RE-QUIP!" He began to glow brightly, twisting and turning as his clothes were switched out with his old Smash-Up uniform, conveniently holding a certain key in the pocket...

Finally, he'd reached the top of his jump's arc- he pulled the key out of the pocket and rammed it into the air in front of him, twisting it and causing a kart to appear beneath him. Not wasting any time, he floored it, even without ground for the wheels to push against. But it seemed to work anyways, as he landed directly on Ridley's back. The dragon let out a screech of pain as the full weight of Mario's Wild Wing slammed into it from above, and seemed even less satisfied as the tires pressed against his bony back to send Mario flying away from him and towards the opposite end of the arena.

Mario released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, and realized that his fear had suddenly become a distant memory. Ridley had been intimidating before, but not now- nothing trumped Mario when he was here, on his home turf, driving circles around idiots who thought they stood a chance against him in the Smash-Up arena...

He easily swung around the stadium, using a nearby rock as a ramp and doing a trick as he flew over Ridley's head, dodging the ensuing beams of energy as easily as if they were simple chain chomps.

"Well, well, well!" Ballyhoo grinned. "This really _is _amazing! It looks like we've got a natural-born kart driver here! I hope Sonic has some time to get a look at this- it looks like he'll have competition in a few years!"

Mario smirked- big, intimidating dragon, sure, but could it play Smash-Up? Yeah, Ridley didn't have anything on the Retro or Hal Smash-Up teams. Still deciding about Sierra.

Almost as if offended, Ridley redoubled his efforts, and this time, an outstretched claw managed to sideswipe him, knocking him off-course a tad. That stung, but he'd suffered worse in his first year alone...

_Alright, time to start taking this seriously, _he thought to himself, spinning around to assess the situation. He didn't actually have to take Ridley head-on, he reflected- the only goal he actually had was to snatch that orange sphere from him. If he could manage that, he was golden. And really, too easy- unlike the smash ball he was tasked with capturing every match, this sphere was perfectly stationary- albeit guarded by a big ol' dragon with a probable deathwish. Yeah, that could be an issue...

Mario thought about it as he continued steering around the arena, dodging every single one of Ridley's attacks with relative ease. Abruptly, a thought occurred to him, something that was part of every Smash-Up match he'd seen yet, something that seemed ridiculous to do now, but it seemed like the only answer. The biggest problem here was Ridley's reluctance to leave the nest with the orb in it- even for his wildest swings, he didn't stray far. He needed to get this dragon off the bench and into the game. The only thing he could think to try...

Swinging around, he called out, "Hey, laserlips! Your mother was a snowblower!"

Yup, trash talk. He knew this particular line didn't make much sense in this context... and so did Ridley, which seemed to infuriate the dragon even more. More screeching, and much larger balls of energy began making their way towards him.

"Call that an attack?" Mario taunted as he deftly dodged each and every one. "I've seen more threatening things in your girlfriend's bedroom!"

*_ROAR!*_

"Oh, sorry, it was your _mother's room!"_

That seemed to be the last straw- Ridley abandoned the nest, leaping right for his throat. Mario smirked, steering around and under the rocks, under Ridley's outstretched arm... he felt his hand hit solid steel...

And it was over. Sitting in his lap was a large, orange sphere, as he drove triumphantly as far away from Ridley as he could get.

The crowd went wild. Ballyhoo broke into cheers. "WELL, HOW D'YOU LIKE THAT? THE UNDERDOG WAS THE QUICKEST TO GET HIS EGG- EVEN FASTER THAN THE FASTEST THING ALIVE! WELL, IF I HADN'T BELIEVED IN MARIO BEFORE, I SURE WOULD NOW!"

Midna and her team were already making their way out into the arena, firing bolts of energy at Ridley, bringing him down to the ground. As Mario braked and clambered out of his kart, he found himself caught in a hug from, of all people, Samus Aran, who was going through one of those rare occasions where she was so incredibly overjoyed that one unfamiliar with her might mistake her for one of her students. "That- was- _incredible, _Mario!" she cheered. "Well done, truly, well- umph!"

The 'umph' was down to Crazy bursting in and giving them both a bear hug- which really amounted to clenching himself around them in a fist. When he finally released them, Samus was dizzy, and Mario almost collapsed to the ground due to lack of air. Crazy was cheering. "YOUZ DUN DIDDIT, MARIOZ! YOU TAKE DAT DRAGON DOWN TA FUNKY TOWN! MEZ SO SCARED, BUT NO GOTSTA BE! YOU DA MAN, BUDDY! YOU DA MAN!"

Mario turned again as he felt a hand on his shoulder- behind him was standing Simon Belmont. "Well, I know quite a few people were doubting you before," he was grinning. "My guess is that they feel like a bunch of _fools _now, hm?"

Mario shrugged- for some reason, he couldn't seem to stop smiling. It was over, he'd done it. One trial down... two to go.

Finally, Samus seemed to get herself under control. "Alright... Mario... Nurse Tessie is waiting for you in the tent over there... you should let her look at you..."

Mario nodded and headed over to the indicated tent, clutching orange orb to his chest. He did, after all, have a nasty scratch along his arm. Glancing, he realized it was more of a long, deep _gash. _Wow. That looked painful. But somehow, he was so happy right now that he didn't really feel it.

Nurse Tessie met him right at the tent's entrance. "Get in here!" she said agitatedly as he came into sight. Immediately, she pulled up his sleeve and began examining his arm. "These people," she muttered. "Giga koopas, floows, and now bosses? This school is going to be the death of me..."

Mario couldn't help but laugh, and even Nurse Tessie took the time to flash him a small smile as she ran a final hand over his wound. "Alright, it should be good in an hour or so. Take five here, then go get your score, alright?"

Mario nodded. He leaned back a bit, only to sit back upright when he heard a cry from the entrance of the tent. "Mario! Mario!"

Looking around, he saw two people dashing in- Zelda and Luigi, followed by a third person, moving much slower.

"That was amazing!" Luigi cheered, tears of fear and joy alike spotting his face. "You took that dragon _out, _son!"

Zelda leapt forward, embracing him. "For a moment there, we thought you were done for!"

But Mario had eyes only for the third person- the young man dressed in a green tunic and with a sword at his back.

Link kept his eyes on the ground as he stepped forward. "M-Mario," he stammered out.

"Link," Mario spoke softly.

"Mario." As he spoke, Link slowly looked up and allowed energy to return to his voice. "When... when we find whoever put your name in that bottle... I'll hold them back so you can give them the right cross they deserve!"

For a moment, everyone stood there, frozen, before Mario finally broke into a smile. He found himself leaping forward out of the bed and pulling Link into a man-hug. For a moment, Link seemed caught off-guard, but eventually returned it, squeezing his old friend tightly to his chest. Everything else was gone- all the animosity from the last few weeks, all the dread from earlier that day, even the excitement of triumphing in the trial- gone. All that was left was sheer, unadulterated joy at having Link back again.**

"Mario..." Link started. "I'm... er..."

Mario froze. He knew what Link was about to say. The words he'd been waiting to here ever since that fateful Halloween night. But just now, he realized that he didn't need to hear them. "Link... it's fine."

"But I should've-"

"It's alright," Mario shook his head. "Cool beans."

"Cool beans?" Link repeated, the corners of his mouth beginning to twitch.

"Cool beans," Mario nodded, his smile beginning to spread.

"Cool beans," Link affirmed. Eyes rising up to meet each other, they suddenly burst into a full vocal dance number.

"Cool cool... cool cool!" Mario chanted.

"Beans! Beans beans beans beans!" Link followed up.

"Cooooooooooooool..."

"Beans! Beans-beans! Beans-beans-beans-beans!"

"Cool cool... cool-cool-cool..."

"Beans!"

"Cool beans!" they both cried out as one.***

Further conversation was interrupted by sobbing off to their side. Turning, they saw Zelda crying into her hands. Luigi was panicking. Mario raised his eyebrows. "Um... Zelda? What's wrong? Everything's cool now."

"My best friends are a couple of _idiots!_" she wailed, running off out of the tent.

"What's up with her?" Link wondered out loud.

"No idea," Mario shook his head, leaning against the swordsman. "Guess she just doesn't appreciate the finer movies in life."

"Like _Hot Rod?" _Luigi chortled as he watched them.

"Oh, Lu!" Link realized. "Hope I'm not stepping on your toes or anything, here."

"Nah, man, nah," Luigi smiled weakly, waving his hand. "I filled in for you, yeah, but I couldn't begin to fill your shoes. I'm glad to see you guys back together- really." Looking up, he added, "Well, guess I'll go see if Zelda's alright."

As he left, Link smiled and shook his head. "Zelda's never alright, she's weird like that," he shrugged. Suddenly, he seemed to come to a realization. "Come on, brah!" he said, motioning to Mario. "Let's blow this popsicle stand! They'll be putting up your scores soon!"

Mario allowed himself to be steered out into the arena by Link, who was talking rapid-fire about what had gone down during this trial.

"Alright, so, first off was Donkey Kong against that big tank thing. He was swinging all around it like the ape he is- I guess he was doing pretty well. It had this big round thing that was moving around the whole fight- and he smashed it. I guess it was how that thing sees or something, because after that, it just started flailing around, didn't even try to go for the Kong. He still got some points knocked off, though, he took a missile or two to the chest.

"Snake did a pretty neat job, too- he was using a rocket launcher against that Eggbot, or whatever. He destroyed it, but he got some points taken off of that- according to Ballyhoo, something about capturing but not killing.

"Sonic did the best, though- next to you, of course. He ran circles around that croc! Curled up into a ball and rammed the winnicot! Had this big, drawn-out fight, but in the end, he got that egg, and knocked K. Rool unconscious, too!"

Finally, the two stood in the middle of the arena. Link pointed out the judge's stand. "There they are," he indicated. "Alright, points out of ten, let's see what you've got!"

Okami Amaterasu went first. She stood, and abruptly, was surrounded by fire. She let out a howl to the sky, and the fire spread up, curling and forming into a large 8.

"Hey, not bad!" Link cheered. "Not bad at all! A couple points off for the arm, of course, but hey, whatcha gonna do?"

Manfred von Karma was next. Maybe it was Mario's imagination, but the old man seemed to be looking into the crowd before he struck his cane against the ground. A stamp appeared in front of him, which would usually carry a word like 'Objection!' or 'Hold it!' but, for now, contained the number that von Karma yelled across the stadium in his customary demonic voice- 'Nine!'

"Lookin' good, lookin' good!" Link whooped. "Alright, what's the Master Hand got to say?"

Another nine, as it turned out, drawn in the air by a finger leaving light in its wake. Next, Ballyhoo leapt up. A strange occurrence ensued, in which the top of his hat opened and a large amount of confetti burst out, along with a highly-decorated number...

"Ten?" Mario repeated incredulously. "_Ten? _What's he thinking, that performance was far from perfect!"

"Hey, don't be lookin' gift horses in the mouth!" Link objected. "You're doing great... bu...ddy..."

This stutter off into silence was in response to the Master Chief, who simply raised up his number on a card. The number... 3.

Hearing a familiar teapot-whistle sound, Mario turned to see Link turning red. Finally, it burst. "_Three?! THREE?! _You flippin' winnicot, you gave Sonic ten for getting impaled by that freaking crocodile's crown!"

Any indignance Mario might have felt vanished in the glow of having Link on his side once more. He hadn't realized just how _much _he'd missed that teapot-whistle until he'd just heard it again. He thought he was hearing some more mixed cheers in the crowd, now- not just Nintendoes, but from other groups as well- but even that didn't matter. The rest of the year, the school could hate on him as much as they wanted, it didn't matter- Link was back!

"Congrats, Mario!" came another shout, and he saw Midna approaching. "Didn't think a boss could be taken out that easily- maybe you should be doing my job?" she suggested with her trademark giggle.

"Yeah, you can keep it," Mario sighed, grinning nonetheless. "If I never see another boss again, it'll be too soon."

"Yeah, I see where you're coming from," Midna nodded. "Well, I should go now, I said I'd write to Mom, let her know how you did. Keep cool, alright? She'll throw a fit if anything else happens to you. Link, look after him."

"Of course!" Link smirked. "Don't know what he'd do without me!"

Midna nodded. "So I see. Well, Mario, Ballyhoo needs the contestants back in the tent for a minute or two, so if you could just go ahead and meet up with him, that'd be great!"

Mario nodded and started making tracks. As he approached the tent, he turned to Link.

"Ah, don't worry, I'll wait," Link smiled, turning and heading off. "Meet you on the other side!"

Mario waved him off and headed into the tent, where the other contestants awaited, all looking various degrees of relieved, as Ballyhoo floated around on his hat, looking overjoyed. "Well done, well done, well done!" he spoke in his constantly-cheery voice. "I am so proud of you all! You've got a nice break between now and the second trial- you've certainly earned it! Give it about three months before we reconvene for that one towards the end of February! But don't think we're leaving you _completely _alone in the meantime! You've all proven your courage, now it's time to show us your wisdom! Those spheres you worked so hard to collect contain a clue hinting at the nature of the second trial! Work it out and be ready for it when it comes up, alright?"

Various nods from all the contestants. Ballyhoo gave one last laugh. "Well, in that case, I leave you to it! See you all in three months!"

Mario gratefully left the tent, rejoined Link, and began heading up to the mansion. All he wanted now was a nice, long rest up in the hub.

However, before he could get too far, another whirring sound met his ears, this one signaling the arrival of someone much less welcome than Ballyhoo and his magic-propellor hat. Closing his eyes and turning, he spied Glados making her way over, with Wheatley bouncing around as ever, almost like a strange planet orbiting around her.

"Ah, Mr. Mario," she spoke in that monotone voice as she approached. "My congratulations on overcoming the test just now. If you don't mind, may I have a word as to your feelings now that you've completed the test?"

"I'll do you one better," Mario nodded, exchanging a glance with Link. "I'll give you two words:"

Getting his lips ready, he began with "F-"

Before getting cut off by Link letting loose with a hacking, "*Cough!*"

Smirking at each other, the two turned their back on the robots and resumed their climb up to the Smash Mansion.

_XXXX_

*There's your gratuitous cursing for this series, thank you very much. Don't get used to it, it's not going to be a thing, Samus's hatred for Ridley was just so much that it broke through Project Solaris's usual anti-cursing code.

** Gay? Depends on how you look at it. Cheesy? Oh, heck, yes. Do I regret it? _Smeg _to the no.

*** Anyone who wants to see the scene I was ripping off of, just type 'cool beans' into Youtube, it should be the first... several results. Freaking love that movie.

You know, I said the end-notes would be long, but between the current lateness of the hour, how long I've been typing at this point, how long this chapter has gone on already, and the overwhelmingly positive note this chapter has left off on, I think I'll save my big announcement for next chapter. Now that _Unexpected Drama _is finished, said chapter should be up sooner- though, as usual, I really shouldn't come out and say something like that. In the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	24. The Rampage of Zelda Hyrule

Gamer4 in! Just got a new keyboard for my computation device, getting started on this chapter early to get a feel for it... Hmm... actually feels much better on my fingers than my old one. Or maybe that's just because it's new. Anyways, how you guys doing? In celebration of the upcoming _Xenoblade X, _I'm playing through all the Xeno games, one after another! At the moment, I'm in the final dungeon of _Xenosaga Episode III, _and then it's off to the world of Bionis! Gotta move quick if I'm gonna finish that game before December 4th... anyways, enough about me, that's not what you're here for, so let's just dive right in, shall we?

Disclaimer: When you're caught by the gale, and are full under sail, beware of the dangers below, and the song that you sing should not be too sad, and be sure not to sing it too slow!

Chapter XXI

The Rampage of Zelda Hyrule

And so it came to be that Mario had a newfound spring in his step as he, Link, and Zelda made their way up to the aviary later that afternoon. As they did, Mario and Zelda filled Link in on everything plot-related that had happened in the intervening three weeks or so, including Roy and his theories.

Upon hearing the news that Roy suspected the Master Chief, Link snorted. "Well, yeah, that guy is definitely prime suspect material," he agreed. "I mean, he never takes that helmet off. Someone who never shows their face is just _begging _for everyone's suspicion..."

"Yeah, but how often are our first guesses actually right?" Mario pointed out. "Need I recall the transformo-candy incident?"

"No, no, you need not," the new young man dressed in the ninja outfit shook his head. A flash of blue light later, Zelda was back, and they continued their conversation as if nothing had happened. "That said, we still have to start somewhere."

"And the Master Winnicott is as good a place as any?" Link mused. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

Finally, they arrived in the aviary, and Link raised his voice. "Hey, Riki, get your feathery butt down he-"

And that's as far as he got before being pelted in the face by a ball of yellow, feathery love. Finally, Mario and Zelda managed to wrench the bird off and pin him to a nearby wall so that Link could irritably take Mario's letter and tie it to his leg. "Come on, you feathery bastard," Link muttered as he carried the albatross over to the nearest window and pitched him out baseball-style. "With any luck, that letter will take him a few weeks to send. It _did _seem pretty heavy..."

Mario turned momentarily as red as his hat, and pulled said head-warmer down a bit to cover his blushing face. It _would _be heavier than normal... he'd found himself unable to resist giving Roy an exact play-by-play of the event. Maybe he should have waited for the adrenaline to die down- then again, if he had, the letter probably wouldn't be written for another month or so.

"Well, it's all uphill from here, buddy!" Link patted Mario on his back cheerfully as they leaned against the aviary walls. "Can't get much worse than fighting bosses, can it? After that, the rest of the games will be easy street! Smeg, you might even pull out a win!"

Mario smiled and shrugged- it was _great _to have Link back.

Zelda, however, didn't seem to share this optimistic view, and decided to be vocal about it. "I think you've got it backwards, Link," she shook her head. "It's not 'how bad could it be after bosses?' It's 'holy crap, the first trial was _bosses, _what else could be next?' We're not out of the woods yet- far from it."

"And that, Zelda, is why nobody is ever going to come to you for grief counseling," Link noted. "The day _you _start a suicide hotline is the day half a city jumps off the highest building they can find."

"Shut up," Zelda muttered, crossing her arms.

"I mean, hey, you can't save everyone, but half those people will be wrong numbers!"

"Shut _up!_"

Mario shook his head. "Alright, let's get going, huh? I'm sure Kirby and Meta have enough supplies for my surprise party by now-"

"Wait, what?" Link blinked, looking shocked.

"How did you know?!" Zelda gasped. "I told everyone to keep absolutely quiet about it!"

"I put two and two together," Mario shrugged. "I mean, those guys take every opportunity they can to throw a party, I figured this whole thing would be a nice excuse, and since nobody was mentioning one to me, I figured it must be a surprise party."

Glancing back and forth from Link's befuddled face to Zelda's, he shrugged again. "Elementary, my dear friends, elementary. Come on, let's go throw down."

XXXX

As it turned out, 'throw down' was right. It was a wild time in the Nintendo hub that night. Kirby and Meta seemed to have cleaned the kitchens out to provide a banquet's worth of snacks, music was pumping through the room at full blast, and there was, in general, much rejoicing. Mario, who'd been on the verge of vomiting only hours earlier, inhaled a great deal of food- he appreciated the twin puffballs going out of their way to snag a large bowl of his favorite spaghetti. Sorry if he was repeating himself a bit, but it was _great _to have Link by his side, eating, laughing and joking together again.

Eventually, Meta Knight climbed up on a stage that seemed to have appeared from nowhere, and produced a microphone, drawing everyone's attention. "Testing, testing, one, two, three! Alright, listen up, all you peoples, the King of the Werecats is speaking!"

Slowly, everyone turned to face him, Kirby and Teddy catcalling and whistling. "Thank you, thank you," Meta smiled, motioning for them to silence themselves. "Welcome, my fellow Nintendoes, to our party tonight! We are gathered here to celebrate the accomplishments of one of our number- a student that arrived here four years ago, completely unaware of the accomplishments that he would accomplish! A student that-"

"Get on with it!" Kirby and Teddy cried out in unison.

"Alright, alright, keep your butts on," Meta grumbled. "I present to you, Mario, MARIOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Mario shook his head, pulling the brim of his cap down a bit. Link, however, smirked as he shoved Mario onstage. Mario glared at Meta Knight as said puffball handed him the microphone. "How about you say a few words, friend?"

"Yeah, here's a few words," Mario shot back. "Anyone feel like toasted marshmallows?"

As he spoke, he clicked his fingers and summoned a handful of fire. Meta stared apprehensively at it for a second, then broke into laughter. "Ah, that is_ classic _Mario right there! Alright, guys, it looks like our hero isn't feeling overly sociable right now, let's cut right to the main event! Bring forth our brave warrior's trophy, minion!"

"Yeth, Mathter," Teddy called back, speaking with an exaggerated lisp and loping up to the stage with his back hunched over. In his arms, he was cradling the round sphere that Mario had just wrestled a dragon for. He approached the stage holding it reverently above his head. Mario rolled his eyes as he reached down and hoisted it up.

Meta Knight grabbed the mic. "Are we ready to see this thing opened?" he called out.

"YEAH!" came the resounding cry from the hub.

"Are you sure you want to see it opened?"

"YEAH!"

"Well, your move, Mario," Meta grinned as he backed away, granting Mario center stage once more.

Mario shook his head. "Alright, let's see what's in here, shall we?" For a moment, he fiddled with the orb, trying to figure out how to open it. "What is this, is it like the map from _Treasure Planet, _I have to touch just the right spots..."

"Or it could be that big ol' button right there," Meta pointed out.

Mario turned the ball, saw said button, turned red, but shook it off and pressed it. A groove running around the sphere's circumference appeared, dividing it into two hemispheres. One of the hemispheres split in half further, and the two halves slid into the orb, reducing it to half a sphere and giving it the appearance of a certain _other _type of ball. We won't name it, but Pichu was suddenly eyeing it nervously.

Within the sphere was... nothing. However, as it opened, a loud screeching noise suddenly filled the chamber, a sort of terrible singing accompanied by words like "Yeah," and

"Baby!" If this were a lesser story, we'd proceed to compare the terrible, screeching song coming from the orb to a genre of music that we disliked. If this were a lesser story. But we're much classier than that. You guys know that, right? Right?

...I'll take my coat and go.

Anyways, all that said, it wasn't long before Mario rammed his fist into the button and caused the sphere to close up again. As the halves slid shut and the groove sealed itself, the horrendous screeching mercifully came to an end.

"What the smeg, man, what the smeg?" Link muttered, hands clamped tightly over his ears. "What in the name of _Farore _was that?"

"I actually think I've heard of something like that before!" Ness snapped his fingers. "Lucas told me about this evil bass he had to fight once- apparently, it sounded something like that. Maybe you'll have to fight an evil band of instruments?"

"No, no, no, no!" Luigi cried, pulling his hat down over his head with a look of sheer, unadulterated terror on his face. "That was the sound of someone having Dark Aperture used on them- they're going to see how well you stand up to torture!"

"Oh, don't be like that, Lu," Kirby shook his head as he leapt up behind the man in green and patted him on the back. "They wouldn't do something like that- Dark Aperture is illegal. Besides, it just so happens that I've heard something _exactly _like that before- the melodious tones of Rob Faron. Clearly, the second trial is to sit through one of Rob's violin recitals."

No one believed him, but he was, at the very least, able to get a weak chuckle from Luigi.

Meanwhile, the party was starting to rebuild its head of steam. Meta leapt down from the stage, sending it back down into the ground with a quick 'thanks' to the large, African sailor he'd borrowed it from, and made his way to Zelda. "Hey, Zippy, want a stardrop?"

"Only if you never call me 'Zippy' again," Zelda eyed the candy suspiciously. "Can I trust that this doesn't have some kind of curse on it?"

"Us? Curse you? Never!" Meta cried, his patented 'innocence halo' appearing over his head. "Now, those bananas, on the other hand..."

Luigi, who'd just bitten into a banana, choked as he hastened to spit it out. Meta chortled and thumped him on the back. "Just kidding, brah, just kidding."

Zelda gave a slight smile- or, at least, the corner of her mouth twitched- as she shrugged and swallowed the stardrop. "Anyways, Meta, I have something to ask you."

"What could a lowly peasant ask of the King of the Werecats?" Meta asked pompously.

"First off, climb down off that high horse of yours," Zelda muttered, "and second- I'm guessing that you got all this stuff from the kitchens, correct?"

"Where else?" Kirby asked, noticing the conversation and approaching. "Hate to say it, but we're not exactly great cooks ourselves."

"So you know where it is, then?"

"No, we just stumble on it by accident every time we want to throw a party," Meta smirked.

"Of course we know!" Kirby nodded.

"And..."

"Well, there's this hall of paintings down in the basement, y'see, and one of them is this weird bit of abstract art, you gotta go up to it and tell it, 'Hello, and goodbye!' And suddenly, you start spinning around..."

"Hold up, hold up, hold up!" Kirby interrupted, raising his stubs. "Why the sudden interest in our cooking quarters, Zelda?"

"Oh, just, you know, general curiosity," Zelda shrugged, before starting to whistle innocently.

"Let me guess, you're going to try talking to the yoshis themselves now, ain't ya?" Meta suggested shrewdly.

"Finally taking SOYLENT to the dinos themselves, are ya?"

"Maybe," Zelda shrugged cautiously. "What of it?"

"Oh, nothing," the twins shrugged together.

"Really? You won't try to stop me?"

"Nah, go right on ahead," the twins shook their heads.

"If anything, this is the best thing you could do," Kirby explained.

"Go in, see how happy they all are with how things are going..." Meta continued.

"Then maybe you'll finally give up this ridiculous SOYLENT stuff," they finished in unison.

A look of anger crossed Zelda's face. "It's not ridiculous," she growled.

"Come on, Zelda, when are you going to realize that the whole thing is just stupid! I mean, just the name alone could clue anyone into that," the twins pointed out. "I mean, come on, 'net tweezers?'"

Zelda's heart rate increased, blood pumping through her veins. Suddenly, she began to grow larger, brown hair sprouting all over her body, muscles growing quick enough to be the envy of any body builder...

"Um... Kirb?" Meta choked out.

"Yes, Meta?"

"It may have been the stardrops we cursed after all."

"I believe it was, Meta."

Zelda roared as she finally attained the size and ferocity of a large, angry ape.

Meta picked up a mic and spoke through it. "Hey, people, new orders from the King of the Werecats- RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

As pandemonium ensued, Luigi was the only one to remain relatively calm, dodging everything that the newly gorillified Zelda was tossing around. "Please," he noted as he leaned back to dodge the comfy chairs from the fire. "I was turning into apes _before _it was cool."*

XXXX

December came, and with it, a cold, biting winter. Not that Mario felt the worst of it, of course- being a pyromancer came with its perks, after all. That said, he could still empathize when he gazed at the living quarters of Mycrowsoft and Sohnee, which both looked metallic and frozen as he passed by them, the steel halo and submarine. Sohnee probably had it even worse, he thought, as, on top of being steel and metallic, their submarine was... well, submerged... in the lake.

However, the thing that kept him warmest was not being a pyromancer- it was Crazy's new ideas about how to deal with the increasingly aggressive Ultimate Chimaeras.

"Mez no be sure whedder dey be sleepin' fur da Winterz," Crazy announced at their next Smashing Creatures class. "Be dey like da bearz? Or da kitty-cats? We gotsta find out today! Mez gots some beds for dem ta be restin' in, we see if dey take it, a'ight?"

Long story short, Ultimate Chimaeras apparently do _not _hibernate.

And so it came to be that the only people left outside struggling to wrangle the remaining ten or so Chimaeras back into their kennels were Mario, Link, Zelda, Lucina, Robin, and the Crazy Hand. Waluigi had volunteered to stay behind as well, but Lucina had told him to go and hide in Crazy's cabin along with everyone else- the charge being led by Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario, with Luigi hot on their tail.

Eventually, Link and Lucina were left trying to herd the last one in, as Mario, Zelda, and Robin slumped, exhausted, against the cabin's walls. Both had their swords out, occasionally twirling them around threateningly in their hands. The Ultimate Chimaera was glaring at them, trying to stare them down in an intimidation show of its own.

It was as they finally sprung into action that a very unwelcome voice made itself heard. "Well, well, well. This does appear interesting, doesn't it?"

Everyone still outside sans Link and Lucina turned to see Glados's robotic form hovering across the lawn towards them. "This creature appears to be truly majestic," she noted, her eye gazing at the Ultimate Chimaera that the swordspeople were busy struggling to wrestle to the ground. "Very much... unlike anything I have seen before."

"Whoz you bein'?" Crazy asked, turning towards her.

"Glados Johnson," Glados greeted him. "Robotic lifeform and Fourside Tribune reporter extraordinaire. Surely, you have heard of me before?"

"Yeah, mez be hearin' 'bout yous," Crazy agreed, a note of suspicion entering his voice. "Brudda be tellin' mez you no 'loud at da Smash Bruddies no more. He say to me, 'Crazy! Youz see dat Glados gal 'gain, you come to mez n' let me know right 'way!' So, youz 'scuse me..."

"A moment of your time before you go?" Glados suggested, moving in front of him and cutting him off.

"Noz, noz, noz, Iz gotta talk to mein brudda-"

"You don't even have a word to spare about these fascinating creatures?"

Crazy spun around, and Mario could imagine the light that would be filling his eyes if he had them. "Wells, if you be insistin'!" he exclaimed, a note of sheer excitement entering his voice.

Mario wanted to raise his voice in objection, but at that moment, the bell rang, and all the students quickly began making their way up towards the mansion, eager to put distance between themselves and the monstrosities that Crazy was attempting to raise.

Link was looking very battered as he and Lucina finally put the last chimaera away, shook hands, and returned to their respective groups. "Freaking Crazy, man," he muttered. "Why did he ever thing any of this would be a good idea?"

"I don't know," Mario shrugged, "but it looks like this whole thing is about to catch up to him- Glados is on his trail, and that can't mean anything good."

"Ah, you worry too much, Mario," Link shook his head, raising his arms behind his head. "I mean, really, what's the worst that can happen? Crazy has to get rid of the Ultimate Chimaeras?"

"I guess you're right..." Mario's voice trailed off, though he still felt uneasy.

XXXX

In an unexpected turn of events, Mario's favorite class that day was actually Psychic Powers. Yeah, Lucario was still giving his usual doom and gloom speeches, but with Link at his side, the whole thing rapidly became _Mystery Science Theater- Lucario Edition. _With the quiet riffing on their part, the two kept themselves entertained throughout Lucario's lectures about how the alignment of Planets Zebes and Lylat 3 could mean only disaster, especially for boys whose names started with 'M,' ended with an 'O' sound, and wielded elemental powers.

"Ah, crud, gotta let Mallow know that trouble's right around the corner," Mario muttered. "Lightning boy won't know what hit him."

Later, as they were heading away, Mario elaborated. "If she was at least sparing with it all, it might be creepy, but the nine thousand-first time you hear something, it's kind of gotten old, you know?"

"Like that reference?" Link interjected.

"I didn't say it applied to everything," Mario pointed out.

"Yeah, well, whatever, I'm just glad to not have any homework," Link shrugged. "Of course, Zelda will be doing homework whether or not any was assigned..."

So they expected, but it turned out to not be so. In fact, Zelda was nowhere in the hub when they arrived. Confused, they headed down to the library, searching for their friend, only to find her... not there. The only individuals there was Kratos, the frightening white-skinned student with the chain-knives, currently glowering at a book in his arms, and Sonic, browsing through the library still. Strangely, he didn't seem much happier than Kratos. Link immediately turned to Mario, requesting something upon which Sonic might place an autograph, until he noticed Kratos's glare steadily rising up towards him for interrupting his peace and quiet, at which point the boys quietly exited the room.

"But, if not the library, where?" Link asked aloud as, defeated, they began making their way back to the hub.

"Heck if I know," Mario shrugged. "What am I, my sister's keeper?"

"Sister?" Link asked, eyebrows raised.

"Give it three more stories or so," Mario muttered as they came up on Rosalina. "Number the stars, by the way."

"Been there, done that," Rosalina shrugged as she swung forward to admit them. Before they could enter, though, they heard some rapid footsteps approaching, and turned to see Zelda sprinting towards them.

"Mario! Mario! Come on! You've got to see this, Mario, you've got to see this!"

"What about me?" Link asked, looking somewhat taken aback.

"Well, you can come too, of course, but this will mean more to Mario- come on, move it, move it, this is something you _need _to witness!"

Mario and Link shrugged at each other before allowing themselves to be ushered down the many, many, _many _stories of the Smash Mansion by an unusually hyperactive Zelda. Finally, they arrived in the foyer, only for Zelda to press on, ushering them into a hallway full of artistic masterpieces- at least, Mario assumed they were, he couldn't really tell. With the speed Zelda was pushing him past them all, they all just looked like... blurs.

Finally, she began slowing down, giving him time to piece his thoughts together into coherent sentences. "So, Zelda," he ventured, "you gonna tell us what this is all about?"

"Oh, geez," Link suddenly piped up. "I think I know. Take a look."

Mario looked where Link was pointing, and felt the sudden urge to facepalm. "Zelda..." he muttered, "Are you dragging us into SOYLENT again?"

For they stood before a piece of very, _very _abstract art- what else would you call a guy in a robe with the head of a crescent moon talking to a snowman that may or may not have been a Celestial Spirit?

"Maaaaaaybeeeee," Zelda responded tentatively.

"Dangit, Link, we already told you, we're not interested!" Link objected.

"Too late!" Zelda cried out. She jumped forward, grabbed them both, and shouted, "Hello, and goodbye!"

Abruptly, the three of them began spinning around, everything turning once more into blurs before Mario's eyes.

Eventually, the world straightened itself out, and Mario found himself at one end of a hall full of yoshis- a hall that very clearly resembled kitchens, with food cooking and being otherwise prepared on every surface. The smell that met his nose immediately set his mouth to watering, but before he could respond to anything, he heard a truly joyous cry from somewhere in the chamber, and felt his midsection being tackled by a short, green missile. "Mario Mario has come to visit Yoshi!" the missile cried, hugging him tightly. "Mario Mario came!"

Finally, the thing hugging him around the middle backed up, allowing Mario to see it clearly. "Yoshi?!" he gasped.

Sure enough, there was no mistaking the green-on-top, white-on-the-bottom, large-nosed dinosaur/dragon creature that was currently gazing up on him with pure reverence in his eyes. "Yoshi!" Yoshi nodded, jumping up and down in cheer. "Yoshi, so happy!"

Yoshi the yoshi. The only thing that had changed about his appearance since two years ago was the removal of the saddle that the Dragmires had forced onto him as a sign of his servitude. With it gone, it revealed... a saddle-like hump on his back that seemed to be an actual part of his biology. Well, that and the rectangular glasses that he was currently wearing.

Mario choked for a moment before finally finding words to speak. "Yoshi... what're you doing here?"

"Yoshi has come to work at the Smash Mansion!" Yoshi explained cheerfully. "Yoshi and Birdo arrived at the Smash Mansion in search of work, and the Master Hand provided!"

"Birdo?" Mario repeated. "She's here, too?"

"Yes, Mario Mario, yes! She has told Yoshi of your previous encounter! Would Mario like to speak with her?"

"Um... yeah, sure, why not?"

"Then Yoshi will take you to her!" Yoshi grinned, turning and taking off down the many tables. Mario, Link, and Zelda followed, doing their best to avoid getting in the yoshis' way- not that any of the yoshis objected to their presence. No, they looked overjoyed to have guests, saluting and bowing all over the place as they watched the newcomers head towards the opposite end of the cooking hall- taken up by a large fireplace. It struck Mario how many different colors of yoshi there were- he'd only known the green one before, but as they walked on, he saw red, yellow, blue, purple, pink, orange, magenta, lilac... and, unlike Yoshi, they were all wearing saddles embossed with the Smash Mansion coat of arms.

Finally, they arrived at the end, where Yoshi indicated a nearby stool, upon which sat yet another yoshi. "There she is, Mario Mario, sir."

Birdo, unlike Yoshi, looked absolutely dejected. She sat upon the stool, gazing into the fire as though she could hardly see it. A copy of Stephanie Meyers' _Twilight _lay open on her head, draping around it like a hat. It looked very worn and ragged, as though it had been rained on, dragged through the mud, lain in many positions books aren't intended to be lain in, chewed on, and suffered all sorts of abuse before it came to be there.

"Hello... Birdo," Mario greeted her slowly.

Birdo turned to gaze up to look at him, the hole in her face that served as mouth and nose alike coming into full view. And then, without warning, she broke into tears.

"Oh, Birdo," Zelda spoke up sympathetically. "Please don't cry."

Which only seemed to make things worse. Unyielding as ever, Zelda persisted in her efforts to cheer the mutated yoshi up as the green yoshi pulled Mario and Link to the side. "Would Mario Mario like some soda, perhaps?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure, I could go for-"

He hadn't even finished the sentence before two yoshis rushed by with a glass of soda each- a glass of Mountain Dew Code Red for him, and regular Mountain Dew for Link. Hot on these yoshis' tails were two more yoshis, carrying some cheese and crackers.

"How- how did you even know we wanted that?" Mario gasped- he'd just been thinking that some Code Red would go well with some cheese and crackers.

"Hey, don't complain, this is some dang nice service!" Link grinned as he tore into the snacks. Zelda looked distinctly unimpressed at his chosen phrase, but the yoshis were even happier when they heard it.

Mario shrugged and took a swig of soda. "So, Yoshi," he began.

"Yes?" chorused the entire kitchen.

"The yoshi named Yoshi," Mario elaborated, and the other yoshis shrugged before turning back to their work.

"Yes, Mario Mario?" the proper Yoshi asked.

"Tell me your story," Mario prompted. "What's been going on? How did you get to the Smash Mansion? What's with those glasses?"

"Well, Yoshi has only actually been working at the Smash Mansion for a week, sir," Yoshi explained. "Yoshi is eternally grateful to you for releasing him from bondage, sir, but once a Yoshi has been... let go... it is very difficult to find a new position, you see..."

At which Birdo let out another loud wail, which Yoshi did not allow to deter him from relating his tale. "Yoshi walked the earth for two years, Mario Mario, searching for a family to take him in, but wasn't able to find one."

"Nowhere?" Zelda asked. "Really? Not _one _single family wanted to take in a yoshi?"

"Yoshi understands," Yoshi shrugged. "Yoshi has been volunteering to do work, but he has also requested he be paid for his work!"

"Oh, I see," Zelda smiled. "Good for you!"

But Mario couldn't help but notice that the other yoshis didn't seem to share that sentiment. The looks crossing their faces were far from the happiness they'd been showing earlier- the nicest ones were looking at him as if he were speaking pure insolence, while others seemed to be regarding him as a madman who might lash out with a knife at any second.

"Yoshi appreciates you," Yoshi smiled at her, "but smashers have been less kind. They slammed the door in Yoshi's face whenever he brought it up. Yoshi wanted to work, but also to be paid- he has a hobby of his own now! Yoshi has become a reader- he wants to read as much as he can!"

"Hence the glasses?" Mario speculated.

"Mario Mario is very wise," Yoshi's eyes watered as he praised him. "But to receive books, Yoshi must have money, must be paid! Yoshi was down on his luck, when, only a month ago, he met Birdo, and discovered that she had been released as well!"

Mario winced as Yoshi's words prompted Birdo into a full-on breakdown, wailing at the top of her lungs.

"So, Yoshi had an idea- where could two yoshis find work? The answer came to Yoshi like a flash, like a vision burnt across the clouds- the Smash Mansion! The Master Hand was very kind, he took us both on! He even granted Yoshi's wish of payment- he gives Yoshi a red coin and one day off a month!"

"Oh, come on!" Zelda objected. "For smashers, the minimum wage is five red coins an _hour_!"

"The Master Hand offered Yoshi five rupees and two days off a week, but Yoshi turned him down, Miss," Yoshi turned to her. "Yoshi _does _like his new freedom, but he still likes work more. Yoshi can get by on what the Master Hand has offered."

Zelda opened and closed her mouth, before muttering, "Well, it's a start, at least." Turning to Birdo, she asked, "So... how much are you being paid?"

Big mistake. Birdo stopped crying- turning in her tears for a death glare that she _must _have learned from her previous master. "Birdo knows she has been disgraced," she growled in her odd vacuum-cleaner voice, "but she has not stooped that low! Birdo is properly ashamed of being reduced to a bum!"

"Ashamed?!" Zelda repeated. "No, you've got it wrong- if anything, it's von Karma that should be ashamed, not you! He was downright _abusive _towards you-"

"Birdo is not hearing you!" Birdo cried, raising her hands to her ears and attempting to drown Zelda out. "You will not insult Birdo's master! Mr. von Karma is a great smasher, who was very right to get rid of a disobedient yoshi!"

Zelda looked very dejected as she turned back to Mario and Link. Even considering his lack of interest in SOYLENT, Mario felt bad enough for her that he patted her on the shoulder, saying, "And this, Zelda, is where you learn that they hardly ever thank you."

"Indeed, Birdo is having trouble outside the von Karma estate," Yoshi noted sadly. "Yoshi thinks she just hasn't gotten used to the idea of not being tied to Mr. von Karma- she can say what she likes about him, now."

"So yoshis can't talk smack about their masters, then, huh?" Mario guessed.

"Only if their master gives them their permission- and Mario can guess how often that happens," Yoshi smiled weakly. "The Master Hand has, though- he has given Yoshi the express permission to refer to him as the worst thing since AFOSB if he so wishes... not that Yoshi would. The Master Hand is a wonderful smasher, and Yoshi would gladly serve him until the bitter end."

"But you're free to criticize the Dragmires, right?" Mario speculated.

Yoshi's eyes, arching above his head, suddenly filled with fear. "Well, yes... Yoshi... supposes he could do that. Yoshi could say that the Dragmires... the Dragmires could go and... suck a railroad spike!"

He stood there, trembling for a minute, then rushed towards a nearby pan. Mario seized Link's sword from its sheath and used it to block the pan before it could make contact with Yoshi's skull. With a *_clang!* _the pan bounced off the sword and back onto the counter. "Thanks," Mario muttered, returning the sword to its owner.

"No problem," Link raised his eyebrows at the spectacle.

"Thank... thank you, Mario Mario," Yoshi mumbled, gazing at the pan he'd almost given himself a concussion with. "Yoshi is not quite used to it, either, it seems..."

"Ah, give it a few more months," Mario shrugged.

"Or do not!" Birdo shouted reproachfully, glaring at Yoshi. "Talking that way about your masters, you should be ashamed!"

"Yoshi's only master now is the Master Hand!" Yoshi objected. "Yoshi cares no more for the Dragmires anymore than he does for AFOSB!"

Birdo gasped. "Yoshi did _not _just say that!"

"Yoshi did!"

Birdo began to moan. "Oh, what if Birdo's forebears saw her now? They have been serving the von Karmas for generations, and to be released now... what would they say, what would they say?!"

"Look, Birdo," Zelda spoke up, trying a different tactic, "von Karma's alright, we see him every day, you know."

"Every day?" Birdo repeated, looking up. "You see... Mr. von Karma?"

"Yeah, he and M. C. Ballyhoo came to judge the Console Games," Zelda explained.

"And Mr. Ballyhoo?" Birdo repeated. Everyone stared as fury suddenly filled her eyes. "Mr. Ballyhoo has come as well? That... that evil, wicked man! He stands alongside Mr. von Karma in rank?!"

"Ballyhoo... evil?" Mario repeated blankly.

"Oh, what must Mr. von Karma contend with now that Birdo no longer stands as his side," Birdo continued to shudder. "What must he..."

She continued ranting to herself, and ceased to respond to any of them. With her refusing to converse, the others turned to Yoshi, who was going on and on about what he would do with his money.

"Yoshi has been examining many different written works!" he was saying cheerfully. "His next book will be '_The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya!' _He has read the first four books, and is absolutely entranced!"

"Tell you what," Link smiled, putting an arm around the creature's shoulder conspiratorially. "I've got some pocket money left- stop on by the Nintendo hub on Christmas day and I'll toss some reading material your way."

Yoshi looked ready to explode with excitement. "Yoshi has heard of Mario Mario's friends- he supposed they must be good to be friends with Mario Mario, but he did not realize how truly great they were until now!"

"Yeah, well..." Link looked embarrassed, rubbing a hand against the front of his tunic. "One good turn deserves another, and all that..."

The other yoshis, sensing that the smashers' departure was imminent, piled upon them with last offers of various snacks. Zelda looked like she was in physical pain as she gazed upon this spectacle, but Mario and Link loaded up a bindle each.

"Thank you all very much," Mario smiled, waving goodbye. "See you around, Yoshter!"

He turned, only to feel a slight tugging at his back. Turning, Yoshi was standing there. "Mario Mario... can Yoshi come and see you sometimes?"

"Oh, of course," Mario smiled, and Yoshi seemed to start physically glowing.

XXXX

As the group headed back up through the mansion towards the hub, they struck up another conversation. "You know, this might be the best thing for SOYLENT right now- Yoshi coming to work here, I mean," Zelda mused. "Give them an example- see how happy he is, and start to realize that it's something they want, too!"

"Well, in that case, let's hope they don't look at Birdo," Mario noted.

"Ah, Birdo will come round," Zelda shrugged, though her voice said she doubted it.

"I'm not so sure," Link furrowed one eyebrow. "She seems really attached to Manny the moody Karma."

"Not so over the moon about Ballyhoo, though," Mario recalled. "Pretty harsh appraisal, huh?"

"Well, she _was_ von Karma's yoshi, you know," Link pointed out. "I guess von Karma wouldn't speak highly of anyone with a sense of humor."

"Don't let Rob hear you talking smack about his boss," Mario noted warningly.

"Oh, that?" Link shrugged. "Nah, he'd take that as a compliment. He wouldn't recognize a joke if it turned into an ultimate chimaera and bit him on his metallic butt."

_XXXX_

*I direct your attention here to Spidershadow's _The Incredible Kong. _It truly is incredible.

Ah... a three week-or-so delay. Almost a full month. Sorry, guys, but things have been happening over here. Yeah, I know, things do that. The truth is, as some of you may have guessed... alright, out with it, I'm wrestling with depression at the moment. On the one hand, writing alleviates it some, on the other, said depression also makes it hard to get around to actually writing. Recently, I got some anti-depressants prescribed, and I'm due to start some counseling next month, so hopefully, that'll help in getting me to writing up the next chapters.

Because next chapter begins something that I've been looking forward to a while- a not-at-all-quick random quicky, _Winter of our Discotent. _What do I mean by not quick? Well, it's in two parts. For a while, I wrestled with myself exactly how to go about this, and I think I've decided- the next _actual _chapter is relatively short, so the next chapter of this story will be _Winter's _first part, then the next real chapter, then the second half. I think you guys are really going to enjoy it. In the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism or questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	25. Winter of our Discotent (Part I)

Gamer4 in. Well, do I have a story to tell you today. As I've mentioned, I've been suffering from depression lately, so I ended up going to the doctor, who prescribed some anti-depressants, as well as drawing some blood to see if there was any sort of deficiency causing it. He told me he'd email the results to me in due time. So, the other day, I was going through my email, when I spied one about diabetes, which, for a brief moment, I thought was the results of my blood test, causing a panic attack until I realized it was spam mail. Geez, give me a heart attack, why don't ya...

Anyways, got what's liable to be a very long random quicky for you today- meaning it's not actually particularly quick- but this one's been in the works for a while, ever since I saw what it's inspired by, which I'll note at the end of the second part, for... reasons. It'll have some funny parts, it'll have more serious parts, but either way, maybe I should stop waffling and just get right to it, how about? Hope you guys enjoy, here we go!

Disclaimer: Be calm in the face of all common disgraces, and know what they're doing it for, and the house you live in will never fall down if you pity the stranger who stands at the door.

Random Quicky

Winter of our Discotent (Part I)

Thursday

It was a perfectly normal transformation class. Samus stood at the head of the class, pointing at the white board as she gave a lecture about the morph ball, a specially-designed piece of armor that allowed one to- well, morph into a ball. Zelda was following closely, writing down pretty much everything she said, but Link and Mario were hardly paying attention at all- they were busy quietly playing X's and O's on a large piece of paper on Link's desk, doing their best to avoid the glares being shot their way by Zelda.

"Ha! I win again!" Link muttered under his breath as he drew a line through his three X's. "Man, you suck at this game!"

"Shut up," Mario grumbled. "Come on, best 16 of 31."

Link smirked as he began drawing their next grid, but was interrupted as the bell rang overhead.

"Which brings this lecture to a conclusion!" Samus announced. "Homework- watch Game Theory's video on the morph ball and write a five-page essay on why MatPat is full of horses***." Link exchanged a smirk with Mario at the anger in Samus's voice as she said this.* "Dismissed."

The class rose and began packing, but Samus coughed and raised her voice again. "Nintendoes, if I could draw your attention back up here for a moment!"

Raising his eyebrows, Link obeyed, keeping his eyes up front as he continued packing all his stuff away. "I have an announcement to make!" Samus continued. "There is going to be a Christmas festival held in Kurain next Saturday, which, in honor of the holiday season, all students will be allowed to go to, regardless of age or class. Kurain will be open throughout that day for Christmas shopping, as well. Make of that information what you will. Dismissed."

And so it came to be that there was quite a bit of excited buzzing as the Nintendoes made their way out of the class. Link drew close to Zelda and Mario to discuss this startling news. "That is pretty against the grain, isn't it?" he pointed out. "Usually, only a few students are allowed..."

"Yeah, but I doubt the younger students will be complaining," Zelda pointed out with a smile. Glancing over at Mario, she asked, "So, Mario, you feel like heading down to Kurain with us to do some Christmas shopping?"

Link suddenly felt the opportunity to troll, and jumped on it, an evil grin crossing his face as he drew close to Mario and said, "I know you've got a fantastic present in mind for your good buddy Link, right?"

Mario raised his eyes to look Link in the face. "Yeah, sure, whatever. Look, I need to... I need to get going soon. I'll come down to eat some lunch with you, of course, but then I... I need to go to the library."

Link raised his eyebrows. "Library?" he repeated. "Doing some research, I suppose?"

"You could say that," Mario spoke guardedly. "But it's- it's something I need to do on my own."

"Why?" Link asked, confused. "We have all the same classes, surely there's nothing I couldn't work with-"

Mario shook his head. "No, no, I can deal with this one on my own. Come on, let's get going, before all the good food's taken."

With that, the red-clothed pyromancer took off ahead, leaving Link and Zelda to stare bewilderedly at each other. "What's up with him?" Link wondered out loud.

XXXX

Indeed, Mario ate through his lunch very quickly, hardly even speaking to either of his friends, and quickly took off afterwards. Link and Zelda exchanged looks of confusion, a confusion that only deepened when, in their next class of power-ups, Mario turned up a few minutes late.

"What was that all about?" Link asked, staring as Mario panted- he'd clearly run there. "Did you really spend so long in the library that you were late after running here?"

"I'm fine," Mario shook his head. "It's nothing, I'm fine..."

... And he refused to talk about the incident for the remainder of the class.

XXXX

Link had allowed the subject to drop for the moment, but he was determined to pursue the conversation at a later point- namely, in the hub once they returned after dinner. However, this opportunity didn't arise- no sooner had they sat down to dinner than Mario began wolfing down everything he could get his hands on, eating so quickly Link was legitimately concerned that his friend might choke. "Geez, slow down a bit, why don't you? What's the hurry?"

"I've got to head to the library," Mario explained quickly, before downing an entire glass of milk in a single gulp.

"The library?" Zelda put in, raising her eyebrows.

"Yeah," Mario nodded. "It'll... it'll keep me for a while. Don't wait up for me, alright?"

He swallowed one last slice of pizza, picked up his stuff, and tore out of the Dining Hall. Link and Zelda looked at each other, more bewildered than ever. "Is _this _what it's like when I dash off to the library without explaining?" Zelda asked tentatively.

XXXX

Determined to question Mario about his strange behavior that day, Link and Zelda stayed up remarkably late in the hub that night, but as the sun sank lower and lower beneath the horizon, they began to lose hope. Finally, Zelda gave up and told Link to give Mario her regards, assuming he ever turned up. Link, however, remained resolutely in his chair until, at long last, the portrait swung open and Mario entered, looking inexplicably crestfallen.

"Something wrong, Mario?" he asked concernedly, standing and stepping forward to put an arm around his shoulder.

"Nah, it's nothing," Mario shook his head. "Just... something didn't turn out... quite how I thought it would..."

Link spent quite a while pressing him for more information, but Mario shook off his attempts. "I- I'm going to bed," Mario spoke through a yawn as he stretched. "We've got a long day tomorrow, you know..."

Link raised his eyebrows as he watched Mario ascend the staircase to their dorm. Yeah, they had power-ups tomorrow, but did he really expect it to be that hard?

XXXX

Friday

Link slept in a bit the next day, and had to rush down and eat a quick breakfast before sprinting to the first class, where he found Mario and Zelda already waiting and ready to go. "Oh, thank Farore, you're here," he smiled as he sat down next to Mario.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Mario asked, getting his things ready for the class.

"I don't know, just, after yesterday, I thought you might be late, or something."

"Nope, we were waiting on you today," Zelda shook her head.

At which point, the class began, cutting their opportunity for conversations down to a minimum.

XXXX

For a while, Link thought Mario had returned to normal- he stuck around through the morning classes, talking and laughing with them as animatedly as ever, playing some more pen-and-paper games, et al. It wasn't until lunch that anything strange happened- no sooner had they sat down than Mario devoured an entire grilled cheese in a single bite, and began sucking up a large bowl of spaghetti. "The heck, man?" Link asked, eyeing him as he continued to devour. "Be careful- you're going to make yourself throw up!"

"Sorry, it's just- got something to do," Mario said quickly.

Link sighed. "Oh, not again- what is it you need to do so bad that you can't even eat a proper lunch?"

"Actually, the way he's eating isn't unlike you, it's just weird because it's him," Zelda muttered.

"Not helping, Zelda," Link muttered right back.

"Well, see you guys!" Mario bid them farewell, leaping to his feet and tearing off into the foyer. For a moment, Link rose as if to follow him, but Zelda quietly raised her hand. "Let him go, Link," she muttered. "Leave him be."

XXXX

The remaining two classes of the day didn't see any more major developments. Link tried to question Mario again, of course, but Mario was just as forthcoming with answers as he'd been yesterday- not at all, in other words. He was still acting as normal as possible, but there was a guarded nature about him that somewhat threw Link off, and any time Link tried to turn their conversations, however subtly, towards Mario's recent odd behavior, he'd instantly turn it towards something else.

In power-ups class, they were bringing back an old object of interest- ether, a common ingredient in many a power-up. In that class, Link couldn't help but notice that Mario seemed somewhat distracted, as though his mind was elsewhere. "Umm... Mario? That's _fire _ether," he spoke at one point, guiding Mario's hand towards the proper bottle. "We're supposed to be using wind ether right now..."

"Huh?" Mario asked, looking at the bottle in his hands, then up at the board. "Oh, right- of course. Thanks, Link."

"Come on, man, usually, _you'd _be the one pointing it out to me! What's got you so distracted?"

"Nothing!" Mario shook his head quickly. "Nothing... nothing."

Link raised his eyebrows, but let it slide... for the moment.

XXXX

Link was prepared to let it all go, but he just about flipped when they got down to dinner that night, and, as you've probably already guessed, the first thing Mario did was to sit down and begin gorging himself. "For crying out loud, what is going on, Mario?! And don't say that you need to go to the library!"

"What can I say? That's where I'm going," Mario shrugged. "That's where I'm going."

He spent another few seconds eating, during which he devoured more than three supersized-meals worth of food, before standing and dashing out of the hall. Link turned agitatedly on Zelda. "Oh, come on, don't try to tell me that this is completely normal!"

"I'm not," Zelda shrugged. "It's usually me who does stuff like this, true, but... whatever it is, it's his business. I'm sure if he wanted us to know what's going on, he'd tell us."

"Yeah, but still, something weird's going on. I don't like it," Link muttered, casting a suspicious eye towards the door Mario had left through.

XXXX

Zelda found herself waiting up late that night for both Mario and Link, prompting her to jerk her head around as Link entered the hub via Rosalina's portrait. "Well?" she asked.

"Nothing," Link muttered. "I searched every inch of every aisle of that library, and he was _nowhere _in there. He's been lying to us!"

"You're sure?" Zelda asked, a note of concern appearing in her voice as well. "He wasn't just taking a bathroom break or something?"

"Zelda, why do you think I took so long?" Link countered. "I searched that place top to bottom five freaking times, and he never came in! I saw more of Sonic than I did of him!"

"But... why would he lie?" Zelda asked desperately. "What could he be doing that he wouldn't want us involved in?"

Link had no answer for her as he sat across the fireplace from her, recommencing their waiting game- waiting for Mario to turn up.

Once again, Zelda found herself too sleepy to go on, retiring early, but Link resolutely remained in the hub long after it had emptied out, waiting for Mario. It was even later than the night before that Mario finally appeared in the doorway, walking across the hub and juggling potatoes.

"What the- what are the potatoes for?" Link asked, startling Mario into almost dropping the spuds, but narrowly catching them before they touched the ground.

"What, these potatoes?" Mario asked, glancing at the fruit of the earth.

"Yes, those potatoes."

"I'm... uh... making a lightbulb," Mario explained evasively.

"Making a lightbulb," Link repeated, deadpan.

"Yeah."

"You've been staying up so late... to make a lightbulb."

"Yeah, sure, let's go with that," Mario nodded. "Dang, it is late right now. I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow, aren't you? Come on, let's go to bed."

Link eyed Mario suspiciously as, paying no attention to whether Link was following, Mario rushed up the stairs and shut the door of the dorm behind him.

XXXX

Saturday

Link... had just about had it. "That settles it, he's up to something," he muttered to Zelda over lunch that day.

"What is it?" Zelda asked, raising an eyebrow as she bit into a PB&amp;J.

"I got up this morning, and I planned on cornering him, forcing him to tell me what's been going on, you know?" Link explained. "I get up, and I look over- but he's already gone! He'd already left the dorm! I've been looking for him all day, and... nothing!"

"I think you're being paranoid, Link," Zelda shook her head. "Yeah, I _guess _it's a little strange, but there's _got _to be a perfectly logical explanation for all this."

Link froze as a terrible thought graced his mind. "You don't think... he's still mad... do you?"

"Mad? About what?" Zelda asked, looking at him.

Link's breath became short as the thought consumed him. "I mean, we were at each other's throats not that long ago... you don't think this is his way of getting back at me?"

"Link, I'm sure that's not it," Zelda shook her head. "He was just as glad to get back together with you as you were."

"Then... why?"

"That, I do not know," Zelda admitted.

Link remained silent. Finally, he said, "Alright, after this, I'm going back to my dorm and taking a nap. Don't wake me, alright?"

"Why?" Zelda asked, surprised. "I mean, that's your answer? You don't know what Mario's up to, so your answer is to... take a nap?"

"I'm going to stay up all night tonight," Link elaborated, "and when Mario gets up tomorrow morning, I'm going to follow him- find out where he's been going. Maybe we'll finally get some answers to all this."

"That's not creepy at all..." Zelda pointed out.

"Don't lie," Link objected, "you want to know what's going on just as much as I do."

For once, Zelda had no response.

XXXX

Sunday

True to his word, Link stayed awake throughout the night, waiting for the first sign of movement from Mario. It wasn't _super _early that Mario rose from his bed, but it _was _much earlier than usual for a weekend. Link didn't move as he watched Mario crossing the room, heading down the stairs into the main hub. He then jumped to his feet- never had he been so glad that he slept in his clothes. Moving quietly as he could, he rushed across the room to the hub, just in time to see Mario leaving through the portrait. He dashed down the stairs and into the hall after him, and proceeded to follow Mario down, trying to keep his distance without losing his quarry.

To his confusion, Mario was taking a seemingly very indirect route to... wherever he was going. It was hard to say for certain, but they _had _been going around in zig-zags, up and down stairs, through various secret passages that seemed to double back on themselves, but it wasn't until they'd passed by a painting that was very noticeably the _same _painting a few times that Link became certain that Mario either knew he was being followed, or was following this route on the off-chance that he was. Still, he had to get to where he was going _sometime, _and he intended to be there when he arrived.

...At least until he passed by Luigi. "Hey, Link, how's it going?" the boy in green asked cheerfully, scaring the other boy in green halfway out of his socks. "Why are you acting so sneaky?"

"Dang it, Lu, I'm trying to follow Mario!" Link hissed quietly.

"Follow Mario? Why?" Luigi asked, confused. "Aren't you friends?" A look of nervousness crossed his face. "You're not fighting again, are you?"

"No, no, no, nothing like that!" Link reassured him. "It's just... he's been acting weird the past few days, I want to see where he's going."

He made to turn and follow Mario down another hall, only to realize that the pyromancer had disappeared. "And... I just lost him," he muttered resignedly.

"Well, I couldn't tell you _quite _what he's up to," Luigi shrugged, "but I _did _see him yesterday."

"You did?" Link asked, spinning on him. "Where? When?"

"It was late afternoon," Luigi recalled. "He was walking across the lawn- not far from the route to Kurain, I think..."

"Kurain?" Link repeated. "Why would he be going there?"

"I don't think he was," Luigi shook his head. "He didn't look like he was going there or coming back, he was just near the path. But what really caught my eye was the girl he was with."

"Girl?" Link repeated. "You think he's got a girlfriend?"

"Well, I hope not," Luigi shook his head, smiling faintly. "She wasn't even old enough to come to the Smash Bros. yet!"

XXXX

"And that's what he told me," Link concluded the results of his early-morning expedition to Zelda.

"That is _definitely _odd," Zelda agreed, "but I'm still certain there's some reason behind it."

"I'm sure there is, but _I _want to know what it is!" Link grumbled.

"Which is why we're spying down on the grounds from the observatory?" Zelda guessed, adjusting her telescope.

"You got it," Link agreed, closely scrutinizing the ground, searching for any signs of a red-hatted fourth year. "If he's not going to tell us what's going on, we'll just have to find out on our own!"

However, their stakeout was becoming increasingly long and tedious. It was going into late afternoon when Zelda finally cried out, "There! Look, I see him!"

Link leapt to his telescope and looked where Zelda directed him. Sure enough, there was Mario, walking across the grounds, with someone at his side. But this time, Link recognized the smasher... it was clearly...

"Are you flipping KIDDING ME?!" Link groaned.

XXXX

Monday

The next day began much as the others had. Get up, have breakfast and early-morning classes with an increasingly-evasive Mario, go to lunch, watch as he wolfed down some food and rushed out the door. However, this time, the person Link was looking out for wasn't Mario- in fact, they weren't even from his group. He watched across the Dining Hall, waiting for her to finish eating, stand, bid her own friends farewell, and start across the Dining Hall, unaware that she had a new, green-clad stalker. He followed her out onto the lawn before he finally confronted her.

"Well, well, well," Link announced himself. "I wondered who could be making Mario act so strange. If it isn't our favorite canon foreigner... Lucina!"

The blue-haired swordswoman turned to see him approaching. "Oh, hey, Link," she greeted him. "I thought someone was following me. I assume you've got a reason for-"

"Let's cut the bull, shall we?" Link cut her off. "What's up with Mario? Why's he been so... so _absent, _lately?"

"Right to the point, I see," Lucina sighed. "Mario mentioned being followed yesterday. I'm guessing that was you?"

"Just answer the question."

"I'm afraid I can't do that," Lucina shook her head. "Mario asked me to keep silent about it, so I will."

"But you're a Sierra! Breaking your word is part of the contract!"

"Actually, the contract is just 'be power-hungry and cunning,'" Lucina pointed out. "Lots of wiggle room there. As for keeping my word- I meant what I said, and I said what I meant, a swordswoman's faithful, one hundred percent."

"Thanks, Doctor Seuss," Link muttered. "Okay, how about this- will you tell me if I beat you in a swordfight? I mean, you only one the last one because it was scripted..."

For a moment, Lucina was silent, sizing him up. "Alright," she finally responded. "Beat me, and I'll tell you what's going on."

"Alright, prepare to be destroyed!"

*Ten seconds later.*

"I can't believe you destroyed me!" Link choked out, laying on the ground, panting.

"Why did I beat you?" Lucina asked, wiping her sword as she returned it to its sheath.

"You're too strong... too fast..."

"As much as I'd like that to be the truth, that's not quite it," Lucina shook her head. "You were too focused on the reward of getting me to tell you what's going on. You were so focused on that that you had no attention left for the duel itself. If you fight like that, you'll never win."

Link opened and closed his mouth as Lucina turned her back on him. "That said, I've seen you fight much better than that before. Sometime, let's have another duel- just between fellow swordspeople. I'm sure you'll be much better then."

"Sounds... good..." Link panted as she walked off.

XXXX

Needless to say, Link was already in a bad mood by the time they were done with their classes. He went out on a walk around the grounds, venting his frustration by chucking rocks into Lake Delfino, heedless to the frustration shown by the Bloop (the large, squid-like creature that called the lake its home) as rocks pelted past it. Finally, when he couldn't take the increasing cold of the grounds anymore, he re-entered the foyer, only to blink, wide-eyed, at the large crowd of students gathered therein. "What's going on?" he asked as he fought his way over to the nearby Zelda and Luigi.

"Just look up there!" Zelda pointed, as Luigi cheered wildly.

Link cast his eyes up to the stairs, and his jaw dropped as he saw some sort of giant robot up on the stairs, dancing and throwing its hands up in the air like it just didn't care. Its arm came down to its side, allowing the forearm to dangle in a classic 'robot' dance move.

"Ah, man, Mario would be all _over _this," Link muttered sadly. "I can just imagine...

_'Oh, come on, could those dance moves _be _anymore cliche?'_"

XXXX

Tuesday

The dancing robot was the talk of the mansion the next day- all throughout their classes, they could hardly go anywhere without someone mentioning the great dancing robot of winter. The only student who seemed to be missing out on what was quickly becoming a Smash Bros. urban legend was Mario, who spent most of the next day perpetually half-asleep and ready to nod off. Link eyed him throughout their classes together, and even allowed him to take a nice, long nap in Psychic Powers class. The only thing he didn't do was come out and ask him what was going on, certain his friend would just divert the topic as usual.

The first thing different that day was lunch- in a departure from before, Mario actually stuck around throughout the meal, eating slowly and savoring his food. "About time," Link smiled at him.

"About time, what?" Mario muttered through a cheese sandwich.

"Well, you've been looking really under the weather lately, it's about time you sat down and actually ate a nice, long, healthy meal," Zelda put in.

"Have I?" Mario muttered, apparently only hearing about half of what they were saying. "You don't say... look, guys, I'm gonna be out this afternoon..."

"Yeah, yeah, so we guessed," Link mumbled. "Let me guess- library?"

"No... I've got... some extra power-ups work to do... you know, with Wolf..."

Link didn't believe that sentence any further than he could throw it, but Mario looked so tired at the moment he didn't have the heart to contradict him.

XXXX

That night, Link stayed up late, waiting for Mario to return once more. Zelda had given up on the whole idea by this point, and had gone to bed at her usual time. Even Link began to nod as he waited, only to perk up as the portrait opened and Mario stepped in, looking just as tired as before, and, on top of that, looking somewhat distressed. "What is it?" he asked quickly. "Something wrong?"

"No, no, nothing," Mario muttered, slumping in the chair next to the fire. From his pocket, he produced a rolled-up magazine, which he began to browse. "You can head on up to bed, I'll be up in a few..."

Link didn't want to, but Mario's tone brooked no argument. As he stood, Mario suddenly called out, faintly, "Wait."

Link looked back. "Yeah?"

"Have you ever heard of something called 'Erde Kaiser?'"

"'Erde Kaiser?'" Link repeated. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers. "Oh, yeah, that's it! I _thought _that robot from yesterday looked familiar! It was Erde Kaiser- he's a robot superhero! His show's directed at the younger audience, but he's got a broader appeal- I know plenty of adults who like him, too, and-"

"Oh, really?" Mario interrupted, still in that weary, half-asleep tone. "Huh. I think I might prefer the muggle superheroes, myself..."

Link blinked, but, unable to get any more conversation out Mario, he headed up to the dorm. It took him a while to get to sleep that night, and at one point, he thought he could hear a yell coming from the hub, sounding something like, "Curse you, Erde KAAAAAIIIIIIISER!"

XXXX

Wednesday

By noon the next day, Link was becoming genuinely concerned for his long-time comrade. He'd slept in in the morning, and remained in a sort of tired trance throughout the day. On top of that, when lunch rolled around, he didn't even bother coming down to the Dining Hall with him and Zelda- when the last morning class ended, he simply staggered away down the hall without so much as bidding Link farewell.

"Zelda, I'm really starting to think something's wrong with him," Link confided in his other friend as they sat down to lunch. "He may not want to tell us what it is, but I can tell- there's something eating him up."

"Well, if _you, _of all people, can sense that, then it must be pretty serious," Zelda agreed, glancing over at the doors to the foyer. "Not even coming to lunch, now..."

Link quietly gazed at his food for a moment, thinking everything over. "You know he's probably going to run out on us again this evening, right?"

"Probably," Zelda agreed.

Another long silence. Finally, Link came to a decision. "Alright, let's go get Lu."

"Lu?" Zelda repeated. "Why him?"

"We're going to tail Mario when he leaves dinner today- if he doesn't want to tell us what's been going on, we'll have to find out ourselves."

"Again?" Zelda sounded none too confident. "What do you think we're going to find out that we haven't already? It's not like tailing him worked the last five times you tried."

"Zelda, Mario needs us!" Link objected. "Apparently, he can't tell himself, but he needs us! If there's just the slightest chance that we can find out what's been going on here, we've got to do it!"

"Hasn't it occurred to you that he might just want some alone time?" Zelda speculated. "I mean, he's _always _hanging out with us- maybe he just wants some time to himself for a change?"

"Nah, can't be," Link shook his head. "I asked Lucina the other day, remember? She specifically said he asked her to keep quiet about whatever he's doing, so it's not just alone time..."

Zelda looked like she was trying to think of another counter-argument, but finally shook her head and sighed. "Then why Lu?"

"Because we need a third party member, obviously!" Link raised his eyebrows.

Zelda sighed. "Poor Lu, always being treated like a replacement goldfish."

"He's not a-" Link began to object, but Zelda cut him off, raising a finger to her lips.

"Quiet! He's coming!"

Link looked behind them- sure enough, Mario had finally appeared, making his way through the Dining Hall. They watched as he made his way over and plopped down on the seat between them, concern coursing through them as they witnessed his baggy, bloodshot eyes. "Hey, guys, how's it going?" he forced a smile as he began eating. Unfortunately, he'd only managed a few bites before the bell rang, signaling the start of the next class. "Ah, crud..."

Link and Zelda exchanged a significant glance, and Zelda nodded as the understanding passed between them- if they were going to do something to help him, they had to do it soon.

XXXX

"Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be helping Mario out," Luigi said quietly as he, Link, and Zelda made their way across the grounds after a retreating red-clad figure, "but why did you guys come to me?"

"Because Link can't stand to work without someone wearing overalls," Zelda muttered.

"Ah," Luigi blinked, shaking his head.

"That's not it!" Link objected. "You've got a lot of good things going for you on your own, Lu, and-"

"He's turning," Zelda spoke up, prompting the three of them to duck behind a tree. Mario glanced behind him, eyes raking around to see if anyone was following them, catching his three stalkers' breath in their throats. Abruptly, he turned around, and started sprinting in the opposite direction.

"Crap! Did he see us?" Link exclaimed.

"Hard telling- he might just be taking precautions," Zelda whispered back.

"Guys, can we move?" Luigi implored, his eyes roving nervously. "I don't want to get stuck in the Lost Woods again."

Looking around, Link and Zelda agreed, and they set off after Mario again.

XXXX

However, after hours of searching, they finally had to concede that they'd lost track of Mario once more. "Dangit!" Link cursed. "How does he keep getting away from us?"

"Well, he _does _have the invisibility blanket," Zelda pointed out. "Maybe he's using that?"

"Isn't that him over there?" Luigi spoke up, raising a hand to his forehead to shield his eyes from the sun as he gazed across the grounds.

Link and Zelda snapped to attention, following Luigi's gaze to a small courtyard loaded with foliage and benches- more or less a mini-park. Sitting upon one of the benches, alongside another silhouette, was the unmistakable profile of Mario Mario.

"Come on!" Link commanded, and the three searchers made their way forward, taking the long way around the courtyard and sneaking in so that they were hidden by shrubbery. They didn't dare to get too close, lest they be discovered- they were still pretty distant when Link suddenly brought them to a halt, gasping. "No way..."

For they all recognized the woman currently sitting next to Mario on the bench, smiling softly as they held some indistinguishable conversation. It was, without a doubt, the proprietor of the Colony 6 Grill and Bar...

"Sharla!" Link groaned.

XXXX

Thursday

"What the crud, man, what the crud?!" Link muttered to Zelda and Luigi as they sat together at the lunch table, discussing yesterday's findings in Mario's nigh-inevitable absence. "He should have told us he'd hit it off with Sharla!"

"I think you might be jumping to conclusions," Zelda said quietly. "We don't know what they were talking about, after all..."

"Maybe not, but she still came all the way up to the mansion to see him- unless you think he went down to Kurain to get her! And even then, she came back with him! Ah, Mario, why wouldn't you tell us something like that?! I'd like see her, too, you know!"

"I'm with Zelda on this one," Luigi put in. "I mean, she's got to be, like, ten years older than him, at least!"

"Then what do _you _think they were talking about, huh?" Link challenged. Luigi floundered for a moment, but ultimately looked down, unable to think of a suitable answer.

Their conversation was forced to cease as Mario entered the Dining Hall. He greeted them, but remained silent as he began eating. With more time today, he actually got a full meal in before the bell rang, the whole time remaining oblivious to the concerned and slightly accusatory glares being directed his way. The only thing he said the whole time was "Hey, guys," when he arrived, and "Come on, let's go," when the bell rang. Even then, he simply left without looking behind to see if they were following.

Link beckoned the others to his side. "Alright, we're going to be stuck to him like glue after dinner tonight. We are _not _losing him again!"

XXXX

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOST HIM AGAIN!" Link raged as they wandered aimlessly around the grounds for the second afternoon in a row. "What, is he burrowing under the ground or something?! Like a freaking _mole?!_"

"Calm down, Link," Zelda said, raising a hand to his shoulder.

"I AM CALM!" Link shouted.

"You're scaring Luigi," Zelda whispered, prompting Link to turn and see Luigi cowering behind the corner of the mansion. Suddenly ashamed, he took a deep breath and struggled to calm himself down.

"Sorry, Lu," he spoke much more gently as he approached his fellow smasher in green, patting him on the shoulder. "It's just... it's been a whole week now that Mario's been acting like this, and we're still no closer to finding out why than before..."

Luigi was still trembling, but gave a small smile as he brought himself to his feet. "It's alright, Link. I'm sure it's going to be okay."

Link smiled faintly back. He may not be one of the Smash Mansion 'Golden Trio,' but Luigi was still a good guy. When he gave you that smile and said it was going to be okay- he was one of those guys you couldn't help believing.

"Come on," Zelda put in, speaking gently as well. "Let's take a nice, calm, relaxing walk around the lake."

"That sounds good," Luigi smiled, and, with a grunt of agreement from Link, they were off.

The air was becoming increasingly crisp as Winter drew nearer and nearer. Frost was beginning to form on the grass, the grounds were certainly becoming chilly, and Link thought the lake might be freezing over soon. As they strode around the lake, he felt himself beginning to genuinely cool down, as if the fire burning inside him was being steadily doused.

...Until he heard Zelda's gasp. "There he is!"

Link and Luigi spun around to see Mario on the lake's opposite shore. Link seized his two companions and pulled them behind the nearest tree.

"What was-" Zelda whispered, only to be desperately silenced by the swordsman as he peered out from behind their wooden guardian.

"He's not alone," Link reported. "He's got someone else with him."

"Sharla?" Zelda guessed as she peered out as well.

"No, it's not," Luigi shook his head, completing the Scooby-Doo style tower as he appeared over the other two, gazing across the lake. "It's that one guy... um..."

"Isn't he from Sohnee?" Link wondered out loud.

"Kratos- his name is Kratos!" Zelda recalled, and Link, too, remembered the large, buff, angry-looking guy with the skin that was pure white, except for a red lightning bolt tattooed over one eye. He looked just as he did before, the goatee in place, nothing on from the waist up except for the knives that served as his power controllers, chained to his arms. Around his waist was a simple tunic, and from then on, the only other thing he wore was a pair of Greek-style sandals.

The three pulled back behind the tree to discuss this latest discovery. "So," Link began, turning to Luigi, "Still think he's dating these people?"

"That was your theory, Link," Zelda scoffed.

"That said, he still could be," Luigi pointed out. "I was never sure which... er... which team Mario played for."

"He plays for Nintendo, of course, what do you mean?" Link raised his eyebrows.

"I don't think that's what he was talking about," Zelda pointed out.

"Then what- oh!" Link realized what Luigi was getting at. "Ooooooh! Oh."

"Honestly, I've always pegged him as the kind of guy who didn't really care enough to have a sexual orientation," Zelda muttered, "so I'm going to guess that's not what's going on here."

"I'm with you on that one," Link agreed, "but that still leaves the question of what _is _going on here."

"That Kratos guy scares me," Luigi shuddered, looking at them with genuine fear in his eyes. "Mario shouldn't be hanging out with him..."

"Why not?" Zelda asked, raising her eyebrows. "Don't be so judgemental, Lu- just because he _looks _scary doesn't mean-"

"He killed his girlfriend," Luigi finished.

"Yeah, his appearance doesn't mean he did anything like that," Zelda agreed.

"No, you don't understand- _he killed his girlfriend!_" Luigi repeated earnestly.

"Oh, I see- wait, _what?!_" Zelda gasped, eyes widening.

"I was talking to some of the students from Sohnee," Luigi explained, "and they said that he had a girlfriend a few years back, and not long after they got together, she started showing up with bruises and injuries. Pretty soon, everyone thought he was abusing her, but before she could come out and tell everyone about it, she turned up dead!"

"Then why was he allowed to come to a tournament like this?!" Zelda gasped, briefly throwing her gaze back across the lake in horror. "Holy Nayru, why was he even allowed to keep going to _school _there?!"

"Nobody could prove it," Luigi recalled. "I mean, everyone pretty much knew that he did it, but there wasn't enough definitive proof for him to be really punished for it."

"And now he's trying to get close to Mario..." Link realized, his bones chilling.

Abruptly, their conversation was interrupted by a loud splashing sound, almost like a giant cannonball had fallen from the heavens and come crashing down into the lake. All three swung around, looking out from behind the tree. Kratos had disappeared, but Mario still stood on the opposite shore, his expression unreadable from this far away as he gazed at the lake, where great ripples were being carved into the mirror-like surface.

XXXX

Friday

Link didn't bother waiting up for Mario that night, but had to go back up to the hub after breakfast to wake him.

"Hey, buddy! Sleep in enough?"

"Whatsagoinon?" Mario slurred as Link shook him awake. "Oh, Link? Crud... how late is it?"

"You haven't missed any classes, but you'll have to eat breakfast on the way to first period," Link explained, handing some toast over.

"Oh- thanks," Mario blinked as he leapt out of bed and began changing.

Link respectfully turned his back, but couldn't help asking, "So... why so late today?"

"Late night- I was in the library, and Mido caught me. I'll be serving detention next week." Mario sounded much less than thrilled at the prospect.

"I see," Link muttered quietly. Another thought crossing his mind, he asked, "Hey, Mario- will you be going to the Christmas festival down in Kurain tomorrow?"

"Huh?" Mario asked, taken aback. Getting his bearings together, he nodded. "Oh- yeah, that. Yeah, of course I will. Definitely nice to have something to look forward to, huh?"

"Yeah," Link laughed. "Just a nice, long power-ups class between now and then, huh?"

"Don't remind me," Mario muttered.

XXXX

To Link's surprise, Mario actually came down to lunch with him and Zelda that day. In fact, he'd been acting pretty normal all morning- aside from rushing off to the aviary between classes, but even then, he'd had the unusual courtesy to be open about where he was going.

"So, finally going to have a full meal with us today?" Link asked.

"Yup," Mario sighed, sitting himself in at the Nintendo table. "In fact, I kinda need to be here at the moment, I'm hoping for-"

Before he could even finish speaking, there was a flap of wings overhead, and everyone stared as an albatross flew into the Dining Hall, quite alone. As it drew nearer, Link recognized it, with a jolt of surprise, as Parakarry, who, sure enough, swooped down and dropped a large package in front of Mario.

"Ah, sweet!" Mario smiled the first genuine smile Link had seen on him in a while. "Dang, those guys _do _move fast! Here you go, buddy..."

Link continued staring as Mario drew an albatross treat from his pocket and gave it to Parakarry, stroking him on the head all the while. Parakarry gave a pleased squawk before taking off back up to the aviary.

"So, what's in the package?" Zelda asked, her attention captured.

"Oh, just some... stuff," Mario shrugged. "Come on, let's eat- last break before power-ups, after all..."

XXXX

Power-ups class turned out to be an out-and-out disaster. Not for Mario, mind, who actually seemed to be focusing fully for once, but for Link, who was so distracted with trying to pick up clues from watching him that he completely failed in making the prescribed power-up, instead making a travesty resembling that nasty meat you always see cafeteria ladies serving in cartoons known to the smasher world as a 'mistake'- true to its name, it was, for all intents and purposes, useless.

"A mistake, Faron?" Wolf snarled as he glared down at him. "That's two from Nintendo in as many years- I'm starting to see a trend here. Perhaps you will learn properly if I send this home with you."

Link grimaced as Wolf plopped a sack down in front of him. Opening it up, he saw it was loaded with water ether crystals. Wolf continued. "I want you to take those with you this weekend and use them to create a _functional_ power-up in time for my next class. You will be risking detention if you don't."

Link wasted no time in quietly flipping the teacher the bird once his back was turned, but he nonetheless handed the crystals off into hammerspace.

XXXX

"Can you believe that freaking anthro?" Link muttered as he, Mario, and Zelda climbed back up into the foyer. "No one else got any homework, and Ganondorf was even worse- at least I made _something!"_

"Yeah, well, since when has Wolf ever been fair?" Mario pointed out as they headed to the Dining Hall.

Link's mood wasn't improved as they sat down to dinner, whereupon Mario quickly began eating in his customary 'I'm-about-to-duck-out-on-you-for-the-rest-of-the-night' manner. "Let me guess, the library again?"

"The library again," Mario nodded.

XXXX

By this time, Link had just about given up on ever finding out what Mario was up to. He headed right up to the hub after dinner and began, grudgingly, on Wolf's homework. Under Zelda's guidance, he managed to fuse a few of the crystals into a power-up at least somewhat resembling what he'd actually been intending to make, but even after that, he still had plenty of other stuff to do- he'd been so caught up in this Mario situation that he'd been leaving his homework behind.

He had so much, in fact, that he was still reluctantly working on it by the time everyone else had gone to bed. He was just getting to the last paragraph of his last essay when the portrait swung open and Mario stepped in. "Hey, Mario, help a friend out, here, what's the type of ether crystal best suited to Earthcloak gems?"

"...Earth crystals?" Mario guessed, not even sitting down as he crossed the room.

"Right..." Link muttered embarrassedly, writing down the according term as Mario rushed up the stairs. His attention was drawn by his paper until Mario returned, at which point, his jaw dropped.

Mario was descending the stairs in with a stereotypical fisherman's hat on, and a large fishing pole at his side, with a line that was apparently made of tempered steel.

"...Where you goin'?" Link asked tentatively, unsure if he really wanted the answer.

"Out," Mario replied simply. "Don't-"

"Wait up for you, yeah, I know," Link muttered. Mario shrugged, and returned out the portrait hole. Link stared after him, considering whether it was worth pursuing him. Finally, he decided it wasn't. He finished off his last essay, and headed up to his bed.

It was about half an hour later that the dorm suddenly filled with light. Link leapt to his feet, looking around to see if any of the other boys had woken- they hadn't. He dashed to the window and gazed out on the grounds, witnessing a column of fire rising up from a spot near the lakeside. He only knew one smasher with a power like that... but what could Mario possibly be doing out there?

It was a question that lingered in his mind as the light flickered out and he returned to bed. Even then, he failed to get to sleep until long after Mario had apparently returned and collapsed, panting heavily, into his own.

XXXX

Saturday

It was, at long last, the day of Kurain's Christmas festival. For most of the day, Mario acted remarkably normal, hanging around with Link and Zelda like good old times. A great excitement had arisen in the air- everyone was looking forward to this trip. Snow had begun falling overnight, and by the time the sun began to sink, the entire grounds had been covered in it. Mario grinned, looking genuinely happy as he took the lead of the Golden Trio on the way down to Kurain.

The sun had finally sunk by the time they got there, but only added to the amazement factor down there. As it was, Kurain already looked like the perfect little Christmas town, all the houses covered in fluffy white powder, but seeing it at night, resplendent in all its various Christmas lights, everyone talking and laughing and singing together, really brought the spirit of Christmas close to one's heart.

Link, indeed, was feeling very cheerful... until Mario bid his friends a quick farewell, disappearing into the crowd. Sighing, Link muttered, "You have _got _to be KIDDING me!"

Zelda put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "Hey, it's alright," she said. "I'm sure he'll be back- he probably just has a couple things to take care of, then he'll be right back and celebrating with the rest of us."

Link gave a small smile, but it belied the sorrow he felt within. Mario had been so distant over the past week, and was refraining from giving any sign as to why. So many strange things going on, and still no explanation. "I- I'll be right back, too," he muttered, stepping away from Zelda and setting off through the village.

"You could have just carried her in a pokeball, you know..."

"I don't like putting her in pokeballs! You should know that by now!"

"This never would have happened with a Zubat, I'm just saying..."

"Get started on those freaking Zubats again, and I swear to the Wave Existence I will kill you."

Recognizing the voices, Link turned into a nearby alley and blinked as he spotted two young men, one dressed in red clothing, the other in blue, both hunched over a blue cat-like pokemon on the ground, except that it had a fin-like collar around its neck, its ears were fins, and its tail resembled that of a dolphin. "Hey!" he exclaimed as he recalled them. "You guys... you run the pokemart back in Twisted Lane, don't ya?"

"Oh, hey, man- you're the guy with the cucoo, right?" the man in red recalled, turning on him. "Yeah, I remember you! How did that cucoo turn out, incidentally?"

"Not well," Link spoke simply- they didn't need to know the details.

"Sorry to hear that," the man lowered his head. "Well, if you ever want another one, just stop on by, of course! Red and Blue, always at your service!"

"Right... you guys are the pokemon professors..."

"Well, _I _am, at least," Blue muttered under his breath.

"Whatever," Link and Red spoke in unison.

"What's wrong with this guy here?" Link wondered, drawing closer to the pokemon, who seemed to be breathing heavily, almost like she was hurt.

"Her energy's depleted," Red explained, sounding concerned. "I took her along with us when we came to this here festival, but then this moron challenged me to a pokemon battle with his flippin' Zubats..."

"Zubats forever!" Blue called out.

"Yeah, like that," Red muttered, "And even though she curbstomped them- like you'd expect- " earning him a glare from Blue- "she's low on energy. I don't have anything on me that can help her- I feel so helpless!"

"Don't you run a pokemart?"

"Well, yeah, but I don't take my supplies _with _me, for crying out loud!" Red was starting to sound pretty desperate.

Link examined the situation. "What do you need?"

"Ah, just a potion or two ought to fix her right up," Blue said dismissively. "It's no big deal."

"No, you idiot," Red glared up at him, "potions are for _physical injuries. _Her real problem is that she's low on energy- for that, we'd need ether crystals- ideally, water ether, I mean, Vaporeons _are _water-type..."

Link seemed to recall something as Blue continued arguing. "But water ether crystals work on physical injuries, too!"

"Along with restoring lost energy!" Red shot back. "It'll still work either way, so-"

"Will these work?" Link asked, producing his sack of water ether crystals from hammerspace.

"Holy _Wave Existence!_" Red gasped, opening it up to see the crystals within. "Heck _yeah, _these'll work! We'd even have some left over!"

"Yeah, well, you can keep 'em," Link muttered. "Don't worry about me- trust me."

"Thanks, man!" Red grinned, taking some crystals and placing them around the Vaporeon. Almost immediately, she seemed to perk up, rising up to her feet and looking happily up at Red. Link simply flashed him a return smile before turning and continuing his trek down Twisted Lane.

XXXX

As he drew further and further away from the center of the village, the crowds thinned accordingly. Link's next stop was when he noticed a girl jumping up and down next to a nearby tree. "Got a problem there?"

The girl turned to him- she was in a skirt with boots that ran up her legs, and her hair was tied in a tower above her head, kept in place, not by a hairpin, but with what appeared to be a giant key. "Hey," he noted, recognizing her. "Aren't you... Kay... something-or-other?"

The girl smirked as she began a sudden monologue. "Even in the depths of night, when no other bird _dares _take flight, one alone soars to shine the light of righteousness on this world's blight! And that one is me- the Great Thief, Yatagarusu!" A brief moment of silence. "Also known as Kay Faraday, from Sierra, yeah."

"Sierra, huh?" Link muttered. Remembering Lucina, he shook his head. "Whatever. So, having some kind of problem over here?"

"Yeah, the wind snagged my scarf," Kay muttered, glancing up in the tree, where the branches had caught a large, long, blue scarf bearing a strange sign on it- a pair of wings around a circle with three legs. "It's essential gear for a great thief, but I just... can't... get it!" she grumbled as she leapt up at it another couple times.

"Yeah, well, hold on a second," Link muttered, approaching the tree and beginning to climb with relative ease. He made his way up into the branches, grabbed the scarf, and tossed it down before landing back next to Kay.

"Wow! You climb trees?" Kay asked, wide-eyed.

"My family happens to live near some woods- climbing up trees is happy-fun-time," Link shrugged. "Not too hard, lots of branches to grab and put your feet on."

"Huh," Kay grunted. "Well, I guess I'll head back to the party now. See ya!"

She waved at him energetically before taking off back towards the village, Link staring at her as she ran. "Weird girl," he muttered, before turning and continuing his lonely constitutional.

XXXX

Finally, his feet took him towards the loneliest landmark in Kurain- he stood on a hill, next to a fence overlooking the edge, at the bottom of which stood an old, dilapidated shack- Spooky's House of Jumpscares. He sighed as he looked down at it. "Well, old buddy, guess it's just you and me tonight..."

Abruptly, he looked up as he heard a loud hacking and coughing. Spinning around, he saw a man leaning against a tree distantly behind him- bending over and making loud noises with only one clear cause- the obstruction of his airways.

"Crap!" Link yelped, rushing over and beginning to perform the Heimlich. "It's gonna be alright, sir, it's gonna be okay!"

At last, the man coughed up the item that seemed to have been doing the damage- a Burger King chicken fry. His throat unclogged, he began taking in gulps of sweet, fresh air. "Oh- thank you, my boy, thank you very much," the man spoke, leaning against the tree again. Looking down, Link could spy the bag the fry had come from, along with a milkshake. "I came out here for a bit of peace and quiet before heading back with the fireworks..."

Link took in the man's strange appearance- he was tall and dressed in fancy purple clothes, with a purple coat over it all. His shoes followed the purple color scheme, and curled up at the toes. He had pointed ears beneath his very well-kept red hair, and a permanent grin seemed affixed to his face.

Finally, deciding he should speak, he asked, "Fireworks?"

"Oh, yes, my boy, oh yes!" the man nodded eagerly, reaching into his backpack and producing a large sack of fireworks. "I am the Happy Mask Salesman, and I am the one providing the combustibles for this festival, you see."

"Why is a mask salesman dealing with fireworks?"

"I branched out long ago, but I kept the name- I get so attached."

`As the salesman continued to speak, Link cast his eyes around towards Spooky's house- now that that brief moment of excitement had concluded, his loneliness had returned.

"-and there was actually some trouble earlier- this little girl snatched my pack and ran off with- I say, dear boy, is there something wrong?"

Link cast his eyes back at the Salesman- though his smile was still firmly in place, he seemed somewhat concerned. "Not really," he muttered. "It's just... my friend's been kind of distant lately..."

"I see!" Abruptly, the Salesman seemed to understand something. "This friend of yours... he wouldn't happen to be dressed in red, would he?"

Link spun around. "You've met him, too?"

"Only in passing," the Salesman airily waved his hand.

"Well, add that to the list of things he hasn't told me lately," Link muttered, casting a forlorn eye back towards Spooky's house.

However, the Salesman's next words threw him off. "This friend of yours... he likes to help people, does he not?"

Link turned. "What?"

"I have no evidence of it," the Salesman admitted, "but the aura I sensed about him was that of one who enjoys helping others- who had seen many troubles in this world, and sought to ease them. Would that describe him well?"

"I guess, on some level," Link muttered warily.

The Salesman scrutinized him for a moment. Finally, he said, "I don't usually work out of Kurain, you know- my normal shop is set up in Lavender Lane. Did you know that?"

"No...can't say I did," Link shook his head.

"In which case, I suppose you're wondering why I would abandon my shop to make some fireworks and come all the way up here?"

"I guess that would be kind of weird, yeah..."

"Not at all," the Salesman shook his head. "You see... it is the smiles. When my fireworks go off, it is not towards them that my eyes are turned, but towards those who have come to watch them. A rushing sound, a an explosion in the air, and I get to witness their wondrous faces as the fireworks illuminate them. They possess the power to bring great joy to the masses, and I love to be there as their eyes light up in wonder, as those smiles cross their faces..."

"Creepy," Link noted, raising an eyebrow.

"You are far from the first to say so," the Salesman agreed. "I was forced to work in Lavender Lane for a reason, after all. But I never thought of it as such. The happiness I feel from helping others, from allowing them to forget their problems and feel joy, if only for a moment- that is truly a good happiness."

"And... you think that's what's going on with Mario?" Link asked.

The Salesman remained silent and inscrutable behind that mysterious smile.

"Well, in that case, why doesn't he let me in on it?" Link grumbled, turning around again. "We've been growing so far apart lately..."

"Ah, yes, an unfortunate truth," the Salesman agreed. "Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. But here's the good news!" As he spoke, Link turned back to him, to see him smiling wider than ever. "That parting need not last forever! Whether it lasts forever, or merely a short time- that... is up to you." Turning, the Salesman hoisted his pack onto his back and began hiking back in the direction of Kurain. "And with that, I bid you farewell."

Link stared as the Salesman carried on towards the village, until he blinked, and the strange man had gone.

XXXX

"Where have you been?" Zelda asked when she spied Link making his way back through the crowd towards her. "The fireworks are about to start!"

"I just needed a walk to... get my head together," Link muttered. "Where's Mario?"

"He's over there," Zelda pointed, a small smile on her face.

Link turned and felt another jolt in his stomach- Mario was standing next to a nearby streetlight, shaking hands and smiling at several others- all people he recognized. Sharla- Lucina- that Kratos guy- and as they shook hands, they were all smiling happily. The words of the Salesman crossed his mind- _I love to be there as their eyes light up in wonder, as those smiles cross their faces... the happiness I feel from spreading joy to them all... that is truly a good happiness..._

Finally, Mario's eyes met with his. He froze for a second, then bid farewell to everyone he'd been speaking with, and forced his way through the crowd over to him. "Hey, Link! You ready to watch those fireworks go off? Sounds like it's going to be spectacular!"

Link couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, let's see them!"

Abruptly, a whistling sound filled the air, followed not long after by a colossal *BANG!* Above their heads, the air was filled with sparks of yellow, red, blues, violets, greens, orange...

Everyone ooohed and aaahed as a few more whistles filled the air, signaling missiles firing up in the air and filling it with diamonds. Link grinned and cheered along with them, Mario finally at his side at last, and a few last words echoing through his mind.

_Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. But... whether that parting lasts forever, or merely a short time... that is up to you._

XXXX

The students of the Smash Mansion were still talking fervently to one another as they made their way up the hill back to the mansion itself. Link was overjoyed to see Mario sticking with him and Zelda for once, talking and laughing as animatedly as ever. Finally, they arrived in the hub and assumed their usual chairs by the fire. As the usual hustle and bustle surrounded them, Link and Zelda exchanged a meaningful glance, and finally turned on Mario.

"Uh-oh," Mario smiled. "I know those looks- what are you guys gonna ask me?"

"Well, we think it's about time you told us what's been going on this past week," Link said, his arms crossed. "And no feeding us BS about 'oh, I was in the library.' Crud has been going on behind the scenes, and you're going to tell us."

Mario glanced from Link's face to Zelda's, which showed that she agreed with everything Link had just said, and sighed. "You guys aren't going to give me any choice, are you?"

"Nope!" they both said in unison.

"You know what? Alright then," Mario sighed. "You win. I'll tell you everything. But buckle up- seriously, make yourself comfortable. It's a looooong story..."

_XXXX_

_*_This is Samus's anger, not mine. I actually really like Game Theory, but I doubt Samus would be keen on what he has to say about the morph ball.

Wow, that was a quick random quicky, wasn't it? I mean, seriously, you guys must feel shortchanged, seeing a chapter up, and receiving this little content for it... I snark. This is probably the longest single chapter I've ever written, and when part two comes out, it's actually likely to be a little longer. And about that- I said last chapter that I intended to put this chapter up, then the next real chapter, then the second half of this one, but the thought occurs that that might break up the flow a bit, but at the same time, we've never really had two straight random quickies before... so I'll leave this one up to you guys. What do _you guys _want to see next chapter- the conclusion to this chapter, or the next actual chapter? Leave your answers in reviews or PM me, and I'll get to work on that chapter next!... And if nobody has an opinion, I'll just go ahead and decide on my own, I guess. But that's less exciting. Anyways, either way, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	26. Winter of our Discotent (Part II)

Gamer4 in. And, after a month-and-a-half hiatus due to power outages, a great deal of family business, and copious amounts of Xenoblade X, we bring you the second part of a random quicky that is neither random (it's been in the works for several months now) nor even that particularly quick- this is likely to be even longer than the last chapter! We've got a ways to go, so I'll just shut up and dive right in. See you on the other side!

Disclaimer: When you're out on the road and feeling quite lost, consider the burden of fame. And he who is wise will not criticize when others fail at the game.

Random Quicky

Winter of our Discotent (Part II)

Thursday

It was a perfectly normal transformation class. Samus stood at the head of the class, pointing at the white board as she gave a lecture about the morph ball, a specially-designed piece of armor that allowed one to- well, morph into a ball. Zelda was following closely, writing down pretty much everything she said, but Mario and Link were hardly paying attention at all- they were busy quietly playing X's and O's on a large piece of paper on Link's desk, doing their best to avoid the glares being shot their way by Zelda.

"Ha! I win again!" Link muttered under his breath as he drew a line through three X's. "Man, you suck at this game!"

"Shut up," Mario grumbled, somewhat distressed by his fifteenth consecutive loss. "Come on, best 16 of 31."

Link smirked as he began drawing the next grid, but was interrupted as the bell rang overhead.

"Which brings this lecture to a conclusion!" Samus announced. "Homework- watch Game Theory's video on the morph ball and write a five-page essay on why MatPat is full of horses***." Mario couldn't help throwing a smirk at Link as Samus said this, and received one in return. "Dismissed."

The class rose and began packing, but Samus coughed and raised her voice again. "Nintendoes, if I could draw your attention back up here for a moment!"

Mario, who hadn't really taken anything out except for a pen to begin with, slung his pack over his shoulder as Samus spoke. "I have an announcement to make! There is going to be a Christmas festival held in Kurain next Saturday, which, in honor of the holiday season, every student will be allowed to go to, regardless of age or class. Kurain will be open throughout that day for Christmas shopping as well. Make of that information what you will. Dismissed."

And so it came to be that there was quite a bit of excited buzzing as the class made their way out of the classroom. Mario was lost in thought- a big Christmas party, huh? Ought to be fun...

He looked up as Link approached him and Zelda. "That is pretty against the grain, isn't it?" he pointed out. "Usually, only a few students are allowed..."

"Yeah, but I doubt the younger students will be complaining," Zelda pointed out with a smile. "So, Mario, you feel like heading down to Kurain with us to do some Christmas shopping?"

Mario froze in his tracks. They were straying dangerously close to the subject he'd been hoping to avoid at all costs. He was on the verge of licking his lips nervously, trying to think of a good excuse, when Link leapt in, taking what was already something of a bad situation and turning it a million times worse: "I know you've got a fantastic present in mind for your good buddy Link, right?"

Mario froze, and slowly turned to look his friend in the face. Ah, crud, think of an excuse, think of an excuse!

Finally, he stuttered out, "Yeah, sure, whatever. Look, I need to... I need to get going soon. I'll come down to eat some lunch with you, of course, but then I... I need to go to the library."

"Library?" Link asked, his eyebrows rising to his bangs. "Doing some research, I suppose?"

"You could say that," Mario agreed, speaking as though he was choosing every word carefully- which he was. "But it's- it's something I need to do on my own."

Link's confusion showed on his face as he asked, "Why? We have all the same classes, surely there's nothing I couldn't work with-"

Mario quickly shook his head. "No, no, I can deal with this one on my own. Come on, let's get going, before all the good food's taken."

With that, he took off, not even sticking around to see the bewildered looks on their faces at his strange behavior.

XXXX

Indeed, Mario hoovered his lunch faster than that word's namesake, before tearing off to the library, leaving his friends behind. Upon arriving, he took a chair next to the window, opening up the catalogue he'd been perusing almost constantly over the past week or so.

The truth was, he did indeed have a Christmas present in mind for his good buddy, Link. It had caught his eye a while back, the ultimate gift, that could communicate to his friend just how important their friendship was. For they were friendly friends who treated each other... friendly. There it was, the holy grail of Christmas gifts- Red Ryder BB guns be smegged. Link would undoubtedly love it, and pretty much everyone else would, too, but there was one catch...

The moment he'd spied it, he'd instantly considered putting in his order at the aviary, until his eyes fell on the price. That cursed little number next to the item that taunted him, reminding him that, while he did have quite a bit of money at the Third National Bank of Smashing, it was more or less out of his reach at the current time. Looking through his personal funds for the Smash Mansion, he found himself sorely lacking what it would take to purchase such a fine gift. His money- two gold coins, a handful of blues, and a single rupee. The price... well, let's just say he didn't have anywhere near enough and leave it at that.

And yet, that gift was so tempting, so alluring...

He bent over near double to rub his eyes as the full, brutal realization dawned on him. If he wanted to get this present for Link...

"I'll have to get a job."

There was nothing else for it. No matter how hard he thought, he could think of no other way to achieve the funds necessary for this fantastic item. But even so... how was he supposed to find a job that would get him this kind of money before next week's visit to Kurain- the ideal time to pick up the present? Let alone one that would let him go easily afterwards- he was only 14, after all, he had a ways to go before he had to start thinking about a long-term career... but what options did that leave him?

Abruptly, words came to him, words he'd heard long ago, filtering through the chapters to his mind... You're going to find yourself in a pretty desperate situation this winter- you'll know it when it happens- and when you do, I want you to open up this envelope and follow the instructions, alright?

Well, it was winter. He was in what could be construed as a desperate situation. But did he even still have the envelope? Quickly, he turned to his pack and turned it upside down, emptying out all sorts of strange odds and ends that would be absent from just about any other schoolboy's pack before he triumphantly produced a battered old envelope. Tearing it open, he read the letter inside, consisting of eight simple words:

Floor 16, East Wing, Room 9. Please come.

XXXX

And so it came to be that Mario ascended the mansion up the several floors necessary to take him to the sixteenth, made his way to the east wing, and tracked down the plain-looking door with a crimson 9 painted onto it. He couldn't help but feel a sense of ominousness as the door creaked open to reveal a room that was almost pitch-black. "Enter," spoke a soft voice from the other side of the chamber. Mario stepped forward, looking around for the speaker. Eventually, his eyes adjusted to the darkness, and he was able to distinguish the room's sole feature- a small, rectangular window on the wall opposite the door, behind which glimmered a pair of bright blue eyes.

"Um... hi," Mario started awkwardly. "I got a letter telling me to-"

"I know why you're here," the voice interrupted. "The question is... do you know why you're here?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure," Mario scratched at the back of his head. "I need money, you see-"

"So you're after a job?"

"Not a full-time thing!" Mario interjected. "I just need some money to buy a friend of mine a Christmas present."

"Well, you've certainly come to the right place," the voice confirmed. "Do you know what this place is?"

"Honestly, I have no idea," Mario admitted.

"This is the troubles center," the voice explained. "When people around the mansion have a pressing issue that needs attending to, be it student, teacher, or staff, they come to me. They leave a request with me, along with an offered reward, and when other people need money, I offer them requests I think will best suit their talents and financial needs. You fill out the request, you get the money, everyone walks away happy. Pretty easy, right?"

"Seems simple enough..."

"Glad to hear it," the voice seemed to nod. "Now, I'm glad you came my way- I just got a request in, nice reward, fairly easy work..."

"What is it?" Mario asked tentatively- the voice made it all sound good, but he couldn't help but feel there was something shady in this whole affair.

"Pretty simple- there's a girl failing her Protection from the Evils class, feels the need to get some extra tutoring. That sound up your alley?"

"Well, it is my best subject..."

"Great! You start tonight! Meet her on the eighteenth floor, south wing, room 2, after dinner. She's a Retro- goes by the name of Chell. Put in an hour or two a night, you oughtta be set up. Here, take this- it'll prove you're with me."

Momentarily, a hand dressed in a red sleeve exited the window, holding a sheaf of paper that Mario took. Before he could actually read it, though, he looked at his own wrist, and noticed the time on his watch. "Holy crud, is that the time?!" he gasped. "Sorry, man, gotta go! I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date! No time to say hello, goodbye! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!"

So he yelled as he dashed out of the room and down the hall, the door slamming shut behind him. In the darkness, the voice chuckled. "See you tomorrow, Mario Mario..."

XXXX

Even at his breakneck pace, Mario was still a good five minutes or so late to the class, where he sat down, panting, next to his comrades.

"What was that all about?" Link asked, staring- Mario wished he wouldn't. "Did you really spend so long in the library that you were late after running here?"

"I'm fine," Mario shook his head, silently begging his friends to press him no further. "It's nothing, I'm fine..."

And he refused to speak about the incident for the remainder of the class.

XXXX

Mario spent the rest of the day struggling to dodge his friends' awkward questions, but had very little time to rest as they headed down to dinner- he had his first meeting with Chell soon enough, after all. Drawing more attention was the last thing he wanted, of course, but, as Goodwill says, on time is late, early is on time. The sooner he got to the meeting place, the better.

Unfortunately, this did mean he drew Link's attention as he downed an entire glass of milk in one gulp. "Geez, slow down a bit, why don't you? What's the hurry?"

"I've got to head to the library," Mario explained quickly, wiping some of the milk from his moustache.

"The library?" Zelda asked, raising her eyebrows.

Wrestling with the urge to snark out Zelda being surprised at anyone going to the library, Mario simply nodded. "Yeah. It'll... it'll keep me for a while. Don't wait up for me, alright?"

Without waiting for an answer, he swallowed one last slice of pizza, picked up his stuff, and tore out of the dining hall.

XXXX

Which, as it turned out, he needn't have bothered. As early as he got up there, it was an hour or so before the door finally opened, and a girl of about eleven years stepped in. He quickly looked her over, trying to size her up. Hmmm... icy blue eyes, black hair, somewhat dark skin... she seemed somewhat Latino and somewhat Japanese, all at once. She was dressed in a white shirt and orange pants, and carried a stubborn look in her eyes as she glared right back at him, clearly sizing him up as much as he was her. "So, you're the one the troubles center sent?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's me, Mario," he nodded. "And you are?"

"Johnson," the girl shot back as she approached the table Mario was sitting at. "Chell Johnson, first year."

"Well, Chell Johnson, first year," Mario spoke back, "the troubles center tells me that you've been having some issues with Protection from the Evils?"

"Yeah," Chell nodded, looking reluctant. "But you're only a few years over me. How can I be sure you're any better at it than I am?"

Mario was taken aback. She was certainly brash... "Well... um..."

"What, just because you took out Tabuu as a baby, you're supposed to be a Protection from the Evils prodigy?"

Mario's jaw dropped. There were plenty of things in that sentence that might have offended him, but one thing caught his interest above all others... "You say Tabuu's name?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Well... it's just that... most smashers..."

"Most smashers are idiots," Chell huffed. "How do I know you're any better?"

"Well, I guess you don't," Mario shrugged. "Tell you what- before we get down to any real business here, how about we get to know each other a bit first? I'm Mario Mario, fourth year, my best class is Protection from the Evils, and my favorite color is... red, obviously."

Chell eyed him for a second before slowly responding. "Chell Johnson, first year. Best class- Phys Ed. Favorite color- orange."

"A very pretty color," Mario nodded. "So, how about we get started?"

XXXX

It was a long few hours as they worked together, going over Chell's homework. Mario couldn't help but resist a flow of nostalgia as he recalled working through all these basics back in King Dedede's class. But there was something about Chell... something he couldn't quite put his finger on...

Just as he thought he was finally coming to what it was, he looked up, out the window, and noticed that the sun had long since sunk beneath the horizon. "Ah, crud!" he gasped. "Alright, Chell, we'll pick this up tomorrow. Let's go and get some sleep for now, okay?"

"Already?" Chell asked, looking out the window. "Oh- okay." For some reason, she sounded off-put. "Alright, I guess this is where I should give you your money..."

Mario reached out and felt a weight in his hand as she placed a single gold coin there. "Wait... that's it?"

"Well, yeah," Chell shrugged. "That's what it said in my request, isn't it? One gold coin a night."

With that, she turned and headed out of the room, leaving Mario staring forlornly at the single coin he'd earned.

XXXX

Not that he wasn't grateful, he reflected as he headed up to Rosalina's portrait. Now that he thought about it, it was kind of ridiculous to expect one girl to basically pay for this present in its entirety, but that didn't change the fact that one gold coin a night for the next week still wasn't going to be nearly enough...

"Something wrong, Mario?" came Link's voice as he entered the Nintendo hub. Mario became dimly aware of a light weight on his shoulder as the green swordsman placed a comforting arm over it.

"Nah, it's nothing," Mario shook his head. "Just... something didn't turn out... quite how I thought it would..."

Mario sighed as Link launched into a series of questions about where he'd been all night, all of which he dodged. Not especially gracefully, he'd admit, but he was tired. Sue him.

Finally, he yawned out a final answer- "I- I'm going to bed. We've got a long day tomorrow, you know..."

The statement was truer than Link could know, but Mario could still sense his confusion as he headed up the stairs to his warm bed.

XXXX

Friday

Mario woke up fairly early the next day. Looks like another trip to the Troubles center was on the table... but it could wait until lunch. Heading down to breakfast, he spied Zelda out of the corner of his eye and took a seat next to her, helping himself to some classic breakfast food as he did so. "Hey, Zelda."

"Mario," Zelda nodded her acknowledgement. "Where were you last night?"

"Out and about," Mario replied evasively.

"I see." Zelda didn't seem satisfied, but dropped the subject nonetheless.

XXXX

After this, the most noteworthy thing that happened that morning was Link's near-late arrival to their first class, which brought with it some awkward questions that Mario stepped deftly around. For the rest of the morning, things actually went pretty normally. Unfortunately, this ceased when they went down to lunch, and Mario, the Troubles center on his mind, began wolfing down some food.

"The heck, man?" Link questioned him as he devoured everything faster than a black hole. "Be careful- you're going to make yourself throw up!"

"Sorry, it's just- got something to do," Mario explained evasively.

"Oh, not again- what is it you need to do so bad that you can't even eat a proper lunch?"

"Actually, the way he's eating isn't unlike you, it's just weird because it's him," Zelda put in.

"Not helping, Zelda," Link shot back.

Mario swallowed one last mouthful, feeling relatively satisfied. "Well, see you guys," he bid his friends farewell. With that, he leapt up to his feet and tore across the foyer and up the stairs to the plain door leading to the Troubles Center.

Once more, he knocked first. The mysterious voice bid him welcome, he opened the door, and he stepped in. Once more, everything was pitch-black, the only thing visible of his strange host being those piercing blue eyes.

"Back again?"

"Yeah, I hit a snag," Mario explained, rubbing the back of his neck. "Turns out the job you gave me yesterday isn't going to cut it- not by a longshot."

"Are you giving up on the poor Ms. Johnson?" the voice asked.

"No, no, nothing like that!" Mario objected, raising his hands.

"Glad to hear it- she reported back to me this morning with very satisfactory results."

"She did?" Mario asked, his eyebrows rising. Shaking the thought off, he quickly continued- "That's not the point! The point is, if I'm going to get that thing I'm after, I'll need to take on another request."

"I see," the voice responded. "What exactly is this present, out of curiousity?"

Mario took a deep breath, then told him.

"Well," the voice finally spoke up again, "that is... no small task."

"I know, I'm very aware of that," Mario muttered. "Got another job for me?"

"Well, that is quite a steep price," the voice admitted, and Mario caught his breath... "but I think I have a job that should pay the bill."

"Oh, good, what is it?" Mario asked, relieved.

"It's a job going on out in the grounds," the voice explained. "Sort of like a 'Big-Brothers-Big-Sisters' kind of thing- some of the older students are taking care of some of the more unruly first years. Starting tomorrow, in the afternoon, you join up with the group doing it, get paid, and there you go."

"So, kind of like being a baby-sitter to a whole group of noobs?" Mario summed up.

"Something like that," the voice agreed. "There are three other fourth-years on the job already- two from Sierra and one from Hal. Honestly, they could probably handle it themselves, but if you'd like the extra money..."

"I'll do it," Mario agreed.

"Excellent!" the voice perked up, sounding pleased. "Alright, have the flyer, and they'll see you out on the racetrack tomorrow afternoon!"

XXXX

The rest of the day was pretty stressful for the red-clothed pyromancer. For some strange reason, he couldn't seem to focus on school as much as he probably should have been, especially with Link making repeated attempts to draw the truth out from him. The epitome of all this, however, had to be when he almost used the wrong type of ether in the power-up of the day, and had to be corrected by Link, of all people.

He hated to do it- he honestly did- but Chell called, so, when they all got down to dinner that night, he began plowing through the meal just as he had the night before. No knowing if Chell might turn up earlier that night, after all...

And right he was to take this idea into account, for when he swung open the door to the usual classroom, it was to find Chell already there and waiting, much earlier than the previous night. "Oh, hey, there, Mario," she greeted him. "I'm ready to get started..."

"Alright, whatcha got for me tonight?" he wondered out loud as he looked at the book she already had out and opened on the desk. "Light bulbs?"

"Simon wants us to work on alternate ways of lighting dark places- in case we're ever in a nasty spot, you know?"

"Sounds like something he'd say," Mario agreed. "Well, if you want the wisdom of muggles, then the best way to jury-rig a lightbulb with limited materials is to..."

XXXX

For a while, things were actually going smoothly, much more so than last night, that was for sure. Things changed when they paused for Chell to write something down, and Mario's eyes strayed to her binder, which carried several pictures in it. But what caught his eye was the moving photo in the center- a young, dark-haired girl sitting at a table bearing a cake, with only two people at her side- and they appeared to be her parents. All three wore smiles, but there was something in the girl's eyes that looked sad, as well...

"Is that you?" he wondered out loud.

Chell froze as she realized where her tutor's eyes were focused. "Yeah," she spoke slowly.

"At your birthday party?"

Chell remained silent. And continued to do so for the rest of the meeting, aside from bidding him goodnight when they finally called it. Mario eyed her as she left the classroom. That was strange...

Perhaps if he helped her with this project of hers, she'd open up about that a bit, he considered. Casting his eyes out into the grounds, he wondered offhandedly if Daisy kept any potatoes in the greenhouses...

XXXX

It was very late as Mario finally returned to the hub, juggling the three or four potatoes he snatched from the greenhouses. As he entered, he nearly jumped out of his socks as a voice spoke from nearby- "What the- what are the potatoes for?"

Mario just narrowly managed to catch said spuds before they hit the ground. Spinning around, he saw Link sitting in one of the armchairs. "What, these potatoes?" he asked evasively.

"Yes, those potatoes," Link nodded, and though he may have been imagining it, Mario thought there was some impatience in his voice.

"I'm... uh... making a lightbulb," Mario finally answered. About time he was able to tell Link the truth about something...

"Making a lightbulb?" Link repeated skeptically.

"Yeah."

"You've been staying up so late... to make a lightbulb."

"Yeah, sure, let's go with that," Mario nodded, eager for this conversation to end. "Dang, it is late right now. I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow, aren't you? Come on, let's go to bed."

With that, not waiting to see if Link followed, he sprinted up to the dorm and crashed into his bunk.

XXXX

Saturday

Mario expected to sleep in 'til past noon that day, but to his surprise, it was pretty early that he woke up, staring at the dorm's ceiling. He still had several hours to go before he had anywhere to be, so he tried to return to sleep, but all efforts proved fruitless. Finally, resigning himself, he got up, dressed, and headed down to breakfast.

Most of that morning was spent quietly avoiding his friends- it being the weekend, he was sure they were eager to use the opportunity to question him more thoroughly, which he didn't want at all. Finally, at the proper time, he headed out into the grounds and sought out the Big-Brothers-Big-Sisters group the Troubles Center guy had mentioned.

The other students he was working with, as it turned out, were Lucina, Waluigi, and a Hal girl he knew by sight but couldn't put a name to. "Oh, Mario, you're the new guy?" Lucina asked, raising her eyebrows as she spied him approaching.

"Yeah, that's me," Mario nodded. "You're working with the Troubles Center, too?"

"Nah, me and Wa are working on some extra credit," Lucina brushed aside, glancing over at where the spindly purple boy was performing some wacky antics for the first years. "Funny thing is, they probably think he's putting on an act for them. Nah, he's just being himself..."

Mario smiled slightly as Wa approached a young boy with remarkably tanned skin. "When you a-groin' up, Waluigi gonna help you get married, get a nice bow-tie 'n a lovely lady wit da white dress..."

"Hold on, where's Robin?" he asked, noticing the missing member of Lucina's crew.

"He didn't feel the need to come along," Lucina shrugged. "Probably still sleeping in right now, lucky winnicot..."

XXXX

"And now, the age-old question," Robin muttered to herself, standing in the hallway. "The boy's bathroom, or the girl's?"

After another moment of hesitation, she finally stepped into the girl's, just before a loud screech sounded, and he found himself being punted right back out. Looking down, he noticed he'd switched again just as he'd stepped through the portal. "Ah... crud."

XXXX

"And just when I need her most, too," Lucina muttered. "At least she'd help deal with the witch over there..."

Mario looked up to see Lucina's eyes flicking at the girl from Hal. Her hair was blue and pulled up in two spikes on her head. She wore what seemed to be a lab coat, complete with gloves and a pair of goggles. Following his gaze, Lucina elaborated. "Aura Blackquill, and a sadder excuse for a Hal you won't find. Believe me, I've looked."

"Perhaps you would believe that," Aura spoke as she approached, apparently having overheard. "You Sierrans are imperfect, after all. Influenced by your greed and lust for power, you can't even realize the contradictions inherent in your very existence. I much prefer Hals- even that worthless Lucas Ikari is better than you."

"As you can tell," Lucina muttered, a shadow passing over her eyes, "she makes Link back before the play look like an open-heart advocate of inter-group cooperation."

"So I see," Mario agreed, raising his eyebrows at her.

"Oh, don't listen to her," Aura waved Lucina's criticism aside. "She's just annoyed at being sorted into the most inferior group in the school, being forced to associate with people like the retard over there..."

Infuriated, Lucina slammed her hands against her lap and stood up. Mario, however, reached up and pulled her back down, though he had a firm glare to throw in Aura's direction as well. "Well, Lucina and that moron happen to be friends of mine," he shot back. "You, however, are not, so if you could kindly smeg off, now..."

Aura's eyes narrowed. "Sad," she muttered. "You're Mario Mario, from Nintendo, right? One who defeated the Great Darkness, champion of Nintendo? I thought you'd have a bit more sense in you."

"And I always thought you couldn't be anymore of a b! #," Lucina put in, "but there are surprises anywhere."

Fury in her eyes, Aura finally spun on her heel and left.

XXXX

Sunday

Mario awoke later the next day than the previous, but it was still pretty early for his standards. Once more, his first reaction was to toss and turn a bit, trying to achieve that usual nightly bliss, but eventually, he conceded and got to his feet.

Last night's session with Chell had gone about as well as it could have. They'd met up at the Big-Brother-Big-Sister event (apparently, she was attending it as well,) and they'd headed back to the usual classroom together. She'd been delighted by the samples he'd managed to procure, but had still refused to speak about the photo. She'd talk about anything else, but about the photo- or much of anything about her personal life, really- she'd say nothing at all, clamming up until the subject had changed.

Finishing donning his clothes, he headed down into the dorm, across the hub, and into the hall.

As he set out towards breakfast, he thought he heard footsteps behind him. Every time he stopped walking, they'd stop a second or so later. Looking behind him, he thought he saw a flash of green darting behind the nearest wall. A suspicion crossed his mind- taking out his cell phone, he polished the screen to a mirror shine, turned, and took a few steps forward. Sure enough, in the reflection, he saw Link approaching. Well, that was just fantastic- early in the morning, and he was already working to give his best friend the slip.

XXXX

"Why not just tell him?" Lucina asked that afternoon, as they met up out on the lawn once more. Mario had just spent the past few minutes filling her in. "I mean, would it really be so bad if he found out you're working to get him a Christmas present?"

"He's very touchy about the money situation," Mario muttered. "He might get offended if he finds out I'm working to get money I technically already have, just not here..."

Lucina opened and closed her mouth for a moment before simply sighing and shaking her head. "You know what, Mario? Do whatever you want. Play it your way."

"Yeah," Mario muttered. "And you won't tell him either, will you?"

"Mario..."

"Will you?"

Lucina sighed again. "Alright, I won't tell him."

"Swear it!"

"I swear I won't tell him!" Lucina repeated, raising one hand and crossing her heart with the other. "Geez..."

Further conversation was interrupted by an abrupt uproar between two of the noobs- Juju Black and Cody Hackins. "You're out of your mind!" Cody was shouting. "The Steel Samurai is way better!"

"Than Erde Kaiser? Dream on!" Juju shot back.

"Come on, you two, break it up," Lucina sighed.

"He started it!" both noobs shouted in unison.

Mario stared as Lucina continued in her futile efforts to reconcile the two. Now that he thought about it, the noobs were acting much more immature than he'd expected- less like noobs and more like they were at daycare. There had to be some way to calm them down... some way...

"Geez, this job," Lucina muttered, leaning back on the bench as she returned to Mario. Glancing at him, she asked, "Something on your mind?"

"Yeah... just this... idea I had..."

XXXX

Monday

The next morning saw the return of the routine established the previous week- normal morning until lunch, where Mario rushed through his meal, with his mind set on someplace else. To his surprise, Link didn't say much either, finally taking a break from his usual interrogation. It was strange, but Mario had more important things to focus on...

Like tracking down the drama department, where they'd not-too-long-ago spent two weeks rehearsing that gong show of a play. Even with prior knowledge and the Bombers' Guide to the Smash Mansion at his side, it still took a little longer than he'd have liked. Finally, though, he did track it down, locating Maya Fey, who'd officially joined the club after the ordeal- though Mario couldn't reason why for the life of him.

"Hey, Mario, how ya doin'?" she asked as she saw him approaching.

"Pretty well," he shrugged. "Listen, could you do me a favor?"

"A favor? What kind of favor?"

"Well, I'm working with this bunch of noobs, see..."

XXXX

"What... in the name of peace and sanity... is that?"

Such was Lucina's reaction when Mario came stumping into the racetrack wearing a huge, clunky robot suit.

"My aforementioned idea," Mario explained quickly. "Any of the kids here yet?"

"Doesn't look like it," Lucina shrugged, gazing at the racetrack, empty except for the two of them, Waluigi camping nearby, staring at Mario in dumbstruck astonishment, and Aura Blackquill, staring at him with a mixture of contempt and amusement. "Can't wait to see what that's for... anyways, while we've still got time, I've got something to tell you."

"What's that?"

"Link cornered me after lunch today."

"He did?" Mario asked, raising his eyebrows, though Lucina couldn't see it. Frustrated, he began removing the costume, deciding he could don it when the time was right. For now, it was just too hot. "What did he want?"

"He asked me where you've been," Lucina recalled.

"And did you tell him?" Mario asked urgently.

"Keep your hat on, keep your hat on, I didn't tell him anything," Lucina appeased him. "Challenged me to a swordfight, said I should tell him if I lost..."

"And did you?"

"Heck no, he was way too distracted..."

"But what if you had?!"

"Hard telling," Lucina shrugged. "I knew I was going to win..."

"But what if you hadn't?!"

"Then I'd have come up with something, I guess!" Lucina raised her voice. "Geez, the kids aren't even here yet, and already my stress is going through the roof..."

And right on cue, the noobs began making their way down to the lawn, Chell Johnson making a lonely lead ahead of them all.

XXXX

Things got hectic right away. Lucina and Mario were doing their best to keep things under control, but Waluigi's eccentricities and Aura's general air of coldness did nothing to help. Finally, Mario, wiping his brow, turned to Lucina. "Looks like it's time to pull out the secret weapon..."

Lucina turned and watched as he rushed off and returned in the robot suit, walking in a very strange gait due to the clunky design. The noobs all stopped and stared at his approach. Speaking in what he clearly thought was a suitable voice, he called out, "Nice boys and girls don't-"

And that was as far as he got before they all dogpiled him, virtually tearing him to shreds. Aura bent double laughing, Lucina facepalmed, and Waluigi just seemed confused.

XXXX

Mario was very forlorn as he clunked across the foyer. Well, that was a wash... if he'd had it his way, he'd have ripped the suit off and turned it to ash already. Unfortunately, he had to return it to Maya, and the best way to carry the dang thing was to wear it...

He was halfway across the foyer, when a cry came out from the Dining Hall. "Wow, look, a giant robot!"

Mario cringed as he recognized the voice of Plusle Minun. And it only got better! "Wow, you're right, Plusle! Hey, everyone, come and see this!"

And without warning, the foyer was flooded with seemingly every student at the mansion. Mario mentally cursed the Minun brothers as everyone began pointing, laughing, cheering, snapping pics, and, worst of all, calling out to him...

"Come on, robot man! Do a dance!"

Oh, for the love of...

It was the last thing he wanted to do, but it seemed it was the only way he'd get upstairs in peace. He wasn't the best dancer, but he knew a few steps- or, at least, knew of them. He started off attempting a moonwalk... no, he couldn't do that in his own shoes, let alone this stupid robot costume... Gangnam Style? No, he couldn't cross his arms- not even close. Finally, nothing else left to him, he began enacting the most stereotypical dance he could think of- the robot. As he raised his arm and allowed it to begin dangling, he couldn't help thinking to himself, Man, could these dance moves be any more cliche?

XXXX

Tuesday

Much to Mario's chagrin, nobody could forget the dancing robot the next day. Thankfully, only a handful of students actually knew who was in the suit- Lucina, Aura, Wa, Maya, and Chell, who hadn't been able to stop laughing about it through their session the previous night- but that didn't stop them from endlessly talking about it. He wished they wouldn't- he was tired as-was, and didn't need reminding of his performance on top of that.

The classes that day went by in a haze- while he could go through the motions normally, he felt very disconnected from the things he was doing. It got to the point that he fell asleep in Psychic Powers, where, to his eternal gratitude, Link took pity on him and just let him sleep. Lunch was bliss, as he was actually able to stop and enjoy it for once, with nothing to rush off to. Even better, his friends were content to just let him get on with eating, only asking a couple awkward questions. He did have to come up with a new excuse for why he'd be out that night, but aside from that, best lunch all week.

XXXX

He expected no mercy from Lucina, and received none. "So, got another trump card to play today?" she asked as soon as he arrived.

"Shut up," he muttered wearily.

"What's next, the Steel Samurai?" Lucina pressed on.

"No, seriously, stop, I'm not in the mood," Mario muttered, rubbing his eyes. "Man, I'll be glad when all this is over."

"Won't we all?" Lucina muttered. "Anyone else figure it out yet?"

"No, not yet, just you three, Chell, and the girl who gave me the costume in the first place..."

"Thank the Wave Existence for small blessings, I suppose," Lucina shrugged.

"Alright, that's enough, give it back," came a voice, rising up from the kids.

"No, come on, you had much longer with it!"

"I don't care- it's my toy, give it back!"

Lucina sighed and reintroduced her hand to her face. "Knew it was a mistake to let him take that out," she muttered.

"Huh?" Mario asked, his eyebrows rising.

"Well, let's just say you inspired Cody with that stunt you pulled yesterday," she muttered.

She pointed, and Mario experienced heart failure as he witnessed Cody and Juju wrestling over a small action figure, identical in every way (except size, obviously,) to the suit he'd been wearing just the previous day. "Oh, come on,"

"Give it back!"

"No, it's still my turn!"

"Let me handle this," Mario muttered, standing.

"Oh, please, feel free, be my flipping guest," Lucina muttered.

"Come on, you two, break it up," he called out as he stepped between them. "Aren't you supposed to be in your first year at the Smash Bros.?"

"Yeah, but he won't give me back Erde Kaiser!" Cody snarled.

"Because it's still my turn!" Juju shot back.

"Keep going like this, and Erde Kaiser's gonna have some scorch marks in him," Mario muttered. "Come on, give him here..."

He reached out for it, but neither of the students was relenting, stubbornly hanging on like it was a lifeline until...

S

N

A

P.

All three looked down in horror at the pieces of the robotic action figure beneath them.

A long silence, punctuated only by Aura snorting, "When did the nut take over the nuthouse?"

XXXX

That evening was a nightmare for Mario. Cody had shouted all sorts of threats in response to the breaking of his Erde Kaiser action figure (with real disassembling-reassembling action, as he'd felt the constant need to remind him,) threatening to get his prosecutor father to sue Mario's butt. (Paraphrased.) Eventually, Mario had only been able to pacify him by promising to purchase a replacement. Heading up to the library with this goal in mind, he pulled out a select few catalogues that seemed like they'd feature such a toy, narrowing it down to one before returning forlornly to the hub.

When he arrived, it was to find Link awaiting him, as usual. Perhaps noticing his friend's distress, Link asked, "What is it? Something wrong?"

Stubbornly resigned to keeping his secrets, Mario shook his head. "No, no, nothing. You can head on up to bed, I'll be up in a few..."

Mercifully, Link obliged. Mario listened to him mount the steps before being seized by sudden inspiration. "Wait," he called out faintly.

"Yeah?" Link asked, turning.

"Have you ever heard of something called 'Erde Kaiser?'"

"Erde Kaiser?" Link repeated, confusion in his voice. Abruptly, he snapped his fingers. "Oh, yeah, that's it! I thought that robot from yesterday looked familiar! It was Erde Kaiser- he's a robot superhero! His show's directed at the younger audience, but he's got a broader appeal- I know plenty of adults who like him, too, and-"

That was about enough for Mario. "Oh, really?" he cut his friend off. "Huh. I think I might prefer the muggle superheroes, myself..."

With that, he fell silent, prompting Link to complete his journey upstairs. Mario wearily continued flipping through the catalogue. Erde Kaiser... Erde Kaiser...

Finally, he found it- a toy identical to the one broken earlier that day in every way, shape, form, direction, and velocity. Was this the answer to his problem?

... Not quite, as he realized when his eyes fell on the price. His breath caught in his throat once more. Fire built up within him, with only one way left to go...

"Curse you, Erde KAAAAAIIIIIIISER!"

XXXX

Wednesday

Mario was more tired that day than he thought he'd ever been. Waking up was sheer torture, and he was starting to find it difficult to even move. With yet another several gold coins tossed onto his already considerable debts list, there was only one place to go, and he didn't even bother eating lunch before heading there- staggering out of fourth period and making a painful climb through the floors to the Troubles Center for the third time thus far.

"Oh, hey, Mario!" spoke the pair of eyes behind the window when they saw him open the door by turning the knob and slumping against it. "Didn't expect to see you back so soon!"

"Didn't expect to be bac so soon," Mario muttered. "The thing is..." And once again, he found himself explaining the situation.

"Man, that stinks," the voice agreed as he concluded. "So you're here for another job?"

"One that can pay for the new action figure," Mario nodded. "Do you have anything?"

"You know..." the voice mused, as Mario waited with bated breath, "I think I have just the thing. Came in a few weeks ago, but no one's taken it yet..."

"Why?" Mario asked nervously.

"Oh, it's nothing difficult, don't worry," the voice reassured him. "It's just a student from Sohnee, he wants some company. Just for an hour or two, and he'll pay very handsomely. If you'll do it, I can set it up for tomorrow..."

"That is pretty easy," Mario agreed. "Why hasn't anyone else taken it? Who posted it?"

"He's the one that's always walking around half-naked- you know, in the tunic? I think people have been turning it down because they're scared of him... I don't know, what do you think, Mario?" A long pause. "Mario?"

Mario simply stood there, suddenly white as a sheet.

XXXX

The rest of the day didn't see Mario faring much better- he only had a single bite of lunch before classes recommenced. Just thank the Wave Existence they didn't have to deal with the Ultimate Chimaeras that day. On top of that, he was extremely nervous about the next day- while he'd accepted Kratos's request, he was extremely nervous about it. He wasn't deaf to school gossip- he'd heard the rumors about what he'd done. And on top of that, there was the simple aura of intimidation the young Sohnee student bore around him. He could definitely see why nobody had accepted the request before- all likelihood, the real challenge here was simply to survive the proposed hour- but he was so desperate, he'd accepted the request anyways.

He blinked as he approached the racetrack, seeing a new arrival who wasn't typically there. Standing in front of Lucina, talking down to her as she sat down on a bench, was the unmistakable profile of Sharla Black, proprietor of the Colony 6 Grill and Bar. Lucina looked up and saw him approaching, said a few more words, and pointed over at him. Sharla turned and smiled when she saw him.

"Hey, Mario," Lucina greeted him. "This is Sharla Black. I'm guessing you know her?"

"We've met," Mario nodded.

"When?" Sharla asked, looking confused, and Mario mentally cursed himself- the previous times they'd met, he'd always been under an invisibility blanket or using an alias. From her perspective, this really was the first time they'd met.

"Ah, I've been down to the Grill a few times," he explained, not entirely untruthfully.

"Ah, I see," Sharla nodded. "I get so many people in there, it's hard to remember them all... I just thought I'd remember serving you."

"Yeah, sure," Mario muttered awkwardly, rubbing his foot in the dirt. "It's alright, I just have one of those faces, you know?"

"I guess," Sharla shrugged. "Anyways, I've got something I need to talk to you about. When do you get off here?"

"A few hours, I think."

"Round about then, yeah," Lucina confirmed, glancing at her watch.

"Well, when you do, meet me in the courtyard, alright?" Sharla suggested.

"Yeah... sure... bye," Mario muttered.

Sharla smiled again and headed off. Mario closed his eyes and turned them towards Lucina before opening them. Grimacing at the smirk on her face, he preemptively muttered, "Shut up."

"Well, Mario, I didn't realize you were into older women."

"Shut up."

"Hey, no need to stick around here to pacify me. You can head off to your hot date if you want, I'll cover for you."

"Shut up."

XXXX

As things turned out, however, Mario ultimately took her up on her offer, heading out a half-hour or so early to meet up with Sharla. Lucina, using Waluigi as a distraction for Aura, promised to cover for his absence, so he quickly ran across the lawn and to the courtyard, where, sure enough, Sharla awaited.

"Oh, hello!" she greeted him when she heard his footsteps. "You're a little early!"

"We wrapped things up a little early," Mario mumbled offhandedly. "So, what's this about?"

Sharla's smile dropped, and she took on a much more serious tone. "I hear you had some trouble with Juju yesterday..."

Something clicked. Sharla Black... Juju Black... "Are you his mother?"

Sharla broke into laughter. "Oh, no, no, no... I'm his sister!"

Mario blushed furiously at this little misunderstanding. "Oh- sorry," he muttered, staring at the ground.

"It's alright, it's an easy mistake to make." Sharla's laughter slowly died down, and she abruptly became very morose. "Especially considering I am pretty much responsible for him..."

Mario sensed they were approaching a somewhat sensitive topic. "Your... your parents...?"

"Dead," Sharla muttered. "Died a few years ago."

"In the war against Tab- er, the Great Darkness?" Mario guessed, cutting himself off as he noticed Sharla about to wince at Tabuu's name.

"No, no," Sharla shook her head. "That's a much-too-common cause of death amongst smashers, I'll grant you, but not everyone has that story. No, our parents got very sick one year, and... well... never got better."

"I'm sorry," Mario somberly replied. "I can't imagine what it must have been like..."

"It changed my life, back then," Sharla recalled. "My father died first, not long after Juju was born. I was working to join up with the hunters back then- a smasher policewoman, you know? But that was the day I changed my mind- there was a greater evil than dark smashing I wanted to fight- disease. That was the day I decided to become a medic. I was a few years into my training, too, when... our mother died as well.

"It crushed Juju when it happened, and I felt even worse for not being able to save her. Between that, and Juju needing me to take care of him... I just didn't have time for medical training anymore. I left just a few months before I would have gotten my degree, came back home to Kurain to run the family's restaurant instead."

"Have you ever thought of going back?" Mario suggested.

"Oh, plenty of times," Sharla nodded. "But then I remember my parents, laying on their deathbeds... and I just can't. Besides, I can't leave Juju..." Finally, she took a deep breath. "Why am I telling you all this, though? It's nothing to do with you-"

"Oh- sorry," Mario said for the third time, feeling increasingly awkward.

"Not your fault, not your fault," Sharla waved aside. "I guess you just have this air about you- it feels like your trustworthy, like you're someone people can talk to about their problems..."

"I never really thought of myself as a people person..."

"Sure helped me get some things off my chest," Sharla smiled. "But I didn't call you over here to tell you my life story- I wanted to talk to you about Juju. According to him, you were trying to break up a fight between him and Cody when Cody's Erde Kaiser action figure broke?"

"Yeah..."

"I apologize on his behalf," Sharla said, shaking her head. "He's always been a little too hot-blooded for his own good- kind of a family trait, to be honest. He also said you promised to buy a replacement?"

"I did..."

"Well, don't bother," Sharla shook her head. "It's Juju's fault, he's my responsibility. I'll take care of it."

"Oh, no, really, you don't have to-" Mario objected.

"Mario, between the two of us, which one actually has a steady job?" Sharla cut him off, placing her hands on her hips.

"You do..."

"And which one of us has a brother that actually started the fight?"

"You do..."

"And which one of us was just trying to stop the fight, and can't be held responsible?"

"..."

"Which one of us bears no responsibility?"

"...I don't."

"Correct. I'll take care of replacing the toy. Just throw that worry off your pile- I'm sure you have enough to be dealing with without cleaning up after my brother, too."

Mario sighed, but didn't object any further. "Thanks," he finally spoke.

"No, thank you," Sharla smiled at him. "You're a good boy, Mario Mario. I'm sure you'll grow up to be a good man, too. And, if that day should come... or, if you ever just feel the need to talk..."

She reached into a pocket, pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, and scribbled something down. "Keep this with you, will you?" she asked, handing it over. "See you around." With that, she stood and walked off. Mario, nonplussed, opened up the paper to find a 10-digit number scribbled there. Looking between Sharla's retreating back and the memo, it slowly dawned on him what it was. "Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Oh."

XXXX

Thursday

Mario was conflicted that day. On the one hand, with Sharla's contribution to the 'Make-Mario's-life-a-little-easier' fund, there wasn't any real need to fill Kratos's request today. And yet, at the same time, he'd feel like a colossal winnicot if he just cancelled on him without warning- no matter how frightening he was. Or, if he was looking at it from the more cowardly position, he was running the risk of Kratos ripping out his spinal cord if he stood him up...

In the morning, as they were eating breakfast, he received a surprise letter from an unknown albatross, instructing him to report to the courtyard at lunchtime, which he did, heading down there first thing after third period.

Standing there, once more, was Sharla Black. "Just a quick conversation today," she spoke quickly. "I'm sure you want to get back to your lunch- here."

She reached out and handed him an Erde Kaiser action figure, just like the one that had broken so recently.

"Why are you giving me this?"

"Juju left without it earlier- I want you to pass it on to him later today and have him give it to Cody. It was his responsibility, he should be the one to patch things up."

"Alright," Mario agreed. He might have argued the point a bit otherwise, but his stomach was rumbling, and he simply didn't want to rush his lunch again that day. He took the toy, placed it gingerly in his pack, and rushed off to lunch, where he couldn't help but feel as though he was receiving more hostility from Link, Zelda, and Luigi, all of whom were sitting alongside him, than was the norm. Strange, but he had no time to be concerned- if he was going to get in some food before the next class, he had to be quick about it.

XXXX

"So, Juju, what do we say?"

"Sorry, Cody..."

"Sorry for what?"

"Sorry I broke your Erde Kaiser figure."

With that, Juju meekly held out the replacement toy, which Cody, taken aback, gingerly took. Examining it closer, he slowly broke into a smile. "Alright, awesome!" he cheered. Taking a course of action no one had suspected, he leapt forward and embraced Juju like a brother. "Thank you so much! I can't sleep properly with that blank spot on my wall!"

Mario smiled slightly as he went over to sit next to Lucina. "So, fixing a few problems lately, are we?" Lucina smiled as he sat down.

"A bit here, a bit there," Mario nodded. "Waluigi seems happy."

Lucina laughed as she saw her purple-clad friend bursting in on Juju and Cody's game of 'Erde Kaiser vs. Steel Samurai,' attempting to play the role of the Steel Samurai's wretched rival, the Evil Magistrate. "He always did have a way with younger generations," she agreed.

"It could just make me vomit," interjected a less welcome voice, prompting Lucina to sigh and facepalm once more.

"Go home, Blackquill, just go home."

Things were much more peaceful that day than they had been before, most of the noobs following Cody and Juju's example. Mario was just noticing Chell standing apart from everyone else when a loud voice shouted out across the grounds. "MariiiiiiiOOOOOOOO!"

"What the-" Lucina wondered out loud as everyone turned to see a man with bleach-white skin approaching, dressed only in a tunic and with a red lightning bolt tattoo over one eye.

"Ten minutes, Mario, you are TEN MINUTES late to fulfilling my request!"

"Look, calm down, tiny, some people's world's don't revolve around you," Aura snarked, only to shrink in size as the boy turned his glare on her.

"THE F&amp; # DID YOU JUST SAY?!"

Aura gulped. "Nothing... nothing!"

"Sorry, I was taking care of things over here-"

"Well, now you can take care of things over by Lake Delfino!" Kratos roared. "Come! NOW!"

Desperately, Mario turned to Lucina, but even she seemed intimidated. "I'll cover for you again," she shrugged, a nervous eye on the white-skinned Sohnee.

"Thanks, Lucina, thanks a whole bunch," Mario muttered, resignedly following Kratos as he stormed off across the lawn.

He didn't dare speak- the heat rolling off the Ghost of Sohnee was almost enough to incinerate him. Finally, they stopped at the shores of Lake Delfino, where Kratos stood, crossing his arms and glaring at the water as though hoping to evaporate it all. Mario, after waiting for a few minutes, tentatively lowered himself to the ground, assuming a sitting position. When Kratos didn't object, he continued to just sit there, glancing from the angry, tattooed, goateed face to the mirror-like surface of the lake and back again. He didn't dare let the silence be broken under any terms except Kratos's.

Finally, the boy spoke. "Beautiful."

"Beautiful?" Mario repeated, confused.

"The lake," Kratos elaborated. "Some people think I can't appreciate true beauty... but believe me, I can."

"I'm sorry about being late," Mario spoke.

"No, no, it's fine... it's all fine," Kratos muttered. "I've been told I have some... anger management issues."

"I think you might," Mario agreed.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!" Kratos raged, spinning on him, only to raise a hand to his face, rubbing it and forcing himself to calm. "Sorry, sorry... this is... it's just the way I've always been..."

Turning his gaze back to the lake, Kratos muttered, "Alone..."

"Alone?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Alone... nobody ever wants to get close to me, because of... well, you know... nobody ever dared to draw near... except for... her..."

Mario sensed this was gradually going somewhere, and patiently waited for Kratos to get there.

"Lysandra," Kratos spoke. "Lysandra- yes, that was her name. The first person to ever get close to me.

"She was a plain-looking girl, I'll admit it- plain-looking enough that no one else would pay her the time of day. But it's the people with the least outward beauty that can see the beauty that lies within..."

Mario was surprised- he hadn't expected to hear such musings from the infamous boat of rage. And yet, something was nagging at the corners of his mind...

"She saw something in me that nobody else ever had... even myself. And even though everyone else called her ugly, to me, she was the most beautiful creature ever to walk the earth. The years I spent with her were the best five years of my life..."

Abruptly, a scowl formed on his face. "If only I'd known, back then... what they were doing to her..."

This was the last thing Mario had expected to hear. "Come again?"

"It can't have been easy for her," Kratos recalled, his scowl growing deeper and deeper. "Having to deal with a boyfriend who exploded at every slight...perhaps that's why she never told me...

"Every day, they tortured her. Every day, that band of students would gang up on her, anywhere they could- in the halls, in the classes when the teachers weren't looking, in the bathrooms... they would surround her and torment her. She never said a word to me. I have to wonder- was she afraid of how I'd react? To her? Or was she trying to protect them? Maybe it was them- even in her note..."

Mario thought he was starting to see where Kratos's story was going, and found his eyes suddenly drawn to the endless blue void of Lake Delfino. No good- he could still see terrible images in his mind's eye as Kratos's narrative carried on. "One day, it got too much for her. She couldn't carry on any longer... and she... she..."

Kratos was almost bent over double at this point, his body trembling with sobs. Mario stood, looking at him. He knew what had happened- he didn't need Kratos to finish that sentence, even if he could. But... he wasn't sure what to do in this situation- one of the most infamously mean students currently on campus was sobbing next to him, and he had no idea what to do about it. Eventually, feeling like a total idiot, he reached out and patted Kratos on his bare back. To his surprise, Kratos didn't object, continuing to sob for several minutes before finally pulling himself together.

He straightened up, Mario removed his hand, and neither of them mentioned it again. Eventually, he continued. "She left a note, telling me about it. But she didn't tell me who they were- perhaps she was afraid I'd try to avenge her. And I would," he added, his scowl forming int a full grimace. "If I knew the names of those bastards, I'd hunt them down one by one. But she wouldn't have wanted that- she didn't want that, that's why she never said..."

It was the last thing Mario wanted to bring up, but he really didn't have any other choice. "And... the rumors?"

"Rumors?"

"The rumors going around that you... well, you know..."

Kratos's brow furrowed, anger filling his expression. "Oh. Those. Well, you can imagine how it looked to everyone else- meek little girl starts going out with that scary-looking guy with knives chained to his arms, turns up later with slit wrists- of course I was the one who did it, right? Nobody wanted to hear anything else, nobody wanted to hear my handwriting didn't match up with her note, nobody wanted to hear that she was the single most important person in the world to me... I had to be the one who'd killed her."

Slowly, he reached out a fist, and for a moment, Mario thought he was about to be punched, until he opened the fist to reveal a small bracelet made of beads and cloth. "This was hers," he explained. "I made it for her a few months after we met, and she never took it off. It was on her, right until... the very... end..."

Tears were forming in his eyes again, but Kratos forced them back. "Thank you for listening to me. I... I needed someone to tell all this to. You're... you're a good person. Now, I feel strong enough... strong enough to do this."

With that, to Mario's surprise, he wound up his arm and threw the bracelet as far as he could into the lake.

"What- why? Why did you do that?" Mario asked, well and truly taken aback.

"I don't need it anymore," Kratos said, though his face seemed to disagree with that statement- it was still fixed on the bracelet, floating gently on the water. "Memories of her will only bind me... force me to keep going as the scary boy who killed his girlfriend. This is the day I turn my back on the past... and begin building my own future. Not as the Ghost of Sohnee, but simply as Kratos."

Turning to Mario, he produced a pouch. "Your pay," he said.

Mario blinked. "What? No, no, I couldn't-"

"I want you to take it," Kratos insisted. "You helped me get all this off my chest- you gave me the strength to turn my back on the past! Take it."

"I can't!"

"TAKE THE D #% MONEY ALREADY!" Kratos bellowed, and Mario jumped, quickly reaching out and accepting his payment. Kratos sighed, muttering another quick apology, before turning and heading off back across the lawn, up to the mansion.

Mario looked down at the money in his hand. A nice thing, to have some extra money from all this, but he wished he could do something to help the boy...

Abruptly, his train of thought was interrupted as a loud splash echoed across the lake. Looking, he saw a gigantic tentacle- the tentacle of the legendary Bloop- breaching the surface and winding higher and higher into the air. Eventually, it splashed back down into the lake- right on top of the cloth-and-beads bracelet Kratos had so recently tossed in. As Mario watched in sheer befuddlement, it sank back to the depths, dragging the bracelet with it. Only once sentence made sense in this situation...

"What the..."

XXXX

"Are you alright, Mario? You seem a little... distracted."

Mario looked up at Chell, sitting across from him once more. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, you just told me the best way to handle floows is to turn into an ice-skating albatross and sing 'I'm Too Sexy.'"

"Did I?" Mario asked. "Well, that's one of the lesser-known strategies..."

"We were talking about portal guns," Chell elaborated.

Mario's face turned red. "Um..."

"Should we call things early tonight?" Chell suggested.

"No, no, I'm fine, let's keep going..."

As they recommenced their studying, Mario found his eyes drawn, once more, to the photo set into Chell's binder. Her and her parents, celebrating a lonely birthday... abruptly, his eyes were drawn to a calendar in the background, marking off all the days to the big one. Well, that was a coincidence...

"What are you looking at?" Chell asked, looking up at him.

"Oh, nothing," Mario said unconvincingly, looking away. Chell eyed him suspiciously for a moment, then turned back to her book.

"If you say so..."

Mario thought for a moment, then cleared his throat. "Chell..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you... have many friends?"

Chell froze. "I... I don't see how that's any of your business..."

"I guess it's technically not, but... loneliness doesn't make the best students out of us..."

Chell looked very uncomfortable as she abruptly stood. "Good night, Mario," she muttered, tossing a gold coin onto the desk and rushing out. Mario stared after her.

"Nice job there, Mario, very good job," he muttered. Taking the coin, he headed out into the hallway.

This had all started as a campaign to buy Link a great Christmas present, he thought, but it seemed to have become so much more since then. What was it Zelda had called it? Main-character-syndrome? The need to solve every problem he solved? Well, either way, he certainly felt he couldn't leave Kratos and Chell as miserable as they were... but what could he do about it?

His steps took him to the library, where he picked out a catalogue and began flipping through it. Yeah, yeah, throw money at the problem to solve it, but he couldn't think of anything else.

Abruptly, he came across one ad in particular... well, that was certainly interesting... ship anything to you within four hours of you sending your order, or your money back... and the items they had to sell... veeeeeery interesting...

Determined not to get ahead of himself, he checked the price- and smiled. Just enough for Kratos's money to pay for it. It would be close, but he just thought he could make it.

The smile disappeared from his face when he heard a wheezing voice out of the darkness. "Flouting our curfew again, Mario?"

Mario winced as he looked up to see Mido's face glaring down at him. Screw his chronic hero syndrome...

XXXX

Friday

The next day, Mario was awoken by Link just in time to make it to first period- rushing through the halls with toast between his teeth. He found himself energized somewhat by the realization that this whole ordeal was almost over- the next day was the big Kurain festival. By tomorrow night, everything would be over- one way or the other.

Between first and second period, he briefly abandoned his friends to rush off to the aviary, sending his orders to Nakamura Shipping down in Kurain, hoping they were actually as fast as they boasted. The rest of the morning was among the most normal he'd had so far, even unto lunchtime, when he and his comrades took their seats in the Dining Hall to eat a nice, normal meal.

...Until a swooshing echoed around the hall, hailing Parakarry's appearance with a large package. Mario couldn't help smiling as he looked up at his approaching bird. "Ah, sweet! Dang, those guys do move fast! Here you go, buddy..."

As he spoke, he gave his beloved albatross a commemorative albatross treat for his trouble, which swiftly disappeared down the bird's gullet. Do birds have gullets? Whatever, moving on.

"So, what's in the package?" Zelda asked, staring as Parakarry lifted off once more.

"Oh, just some... stuff," Mario shrugged, too tired to think of a good lie. "Come on, let's eat- last break before power-ups, after all..."

XXXX

The rest of the day passed in more-or-less normal fashion, from Link being forced to take water ether crystals home as punishment for failing in power-ups all the way to Lucina's laughter upon being told of this incident. His next session with Chell passed with a noticeable chill between them- she didn't seem to have forgotten his nosiness from last night. But still, she'd turned up, and that was a win in his book- especially considering it was their last.

Finally, he returned to the hub, where, as usual, Link awaited him. Link seemed to be somewhat distracted- rather than bombarding him with his usual 'where-have-you-been' questions, he simply asked, "Hey, Mario, help a friend out here, what's the type of ether crystal best suited to Earthcloak gems?"

"...Earth crystals?" Mario suggested, not even pausing as he mounted the stairs to the dorm.

"Right..." he heard Link mutter embarrassedly before he entered their dorm.

Once inside, he immediately went to the package he'd left on his bed and tore it open. To his satisfaction, all four items were present and accounted for- a fishing hat, a fishing vest, a fishing pole, and a mystery fourth item.

"Let's hope this line is as indestructible as they were saying," he muttered, donning the hat and vest, as well as gripping the pole tightly, intent on raising it from perdition. With that, he headed down the stairs- and right into Link's inevitable stare.

"...Where you goin'?" Link asked in a tentative tone suggesting he wasn't sure if he actually wanted to know.

"Out," Mario replied simply. "Don't-"

Before he could even finish the sentence, Link sighed. "Wait up for you, yeah, I know."

Mario shrugged, and made his way out, across the lawn, and to Lake Delfino.

XXXX

The water hadn't frozen over, thank the Wave Existence, but that still meant there was quite a bit of waiting involved- camping out on the shore, staring at the relentlessly smooth water, desperately waiting for the Bloop to bite. The number of times he wrenched on the pole, only to be presented with a flipping Cheep-Cheep...

Finally, he felt a strong tug on the pole, and began fighting with all his strength to pull whatever it was straight out of the water. "Come on, come on, come on!" he muttered.

The lake was turning into a seething, frothing cauldron of boiling water as the Bloop struggled against his line- though, true to the sales pitch, it had yet to break. The problem was, the Bloop clearly had no intention of breaking, either. After a particularly hard tug, Mario grumbled, "So you wanna play hardball, huh? Well, I can play that game, too..."

And with that, he focused on summoning the happiest thought he could think of- the look on Link's face when he saw the Christmas present Mario had gone to so much trouble to secure him. Fire burst off of him, rolling in waves and bringing the water to a quite literal boil. A column of burning plasma burst into the air- surely visible as far away as the Nintendo dorms- and he was certain that the Bloop would not be satisfied in the water. Indeed, it finally gave way, allowing him to drag it to the surface, where a quick look-over revealed the bracelet hooked around one of its tentacles. "I'll take that, thank you very much," Mario smirked, plucking it off. "Now you can go back."

He pushed and shoved and eventually the Bloop sank back into the lake. He watched apprehensively for a moment, only to sigh in relief when the tentacles began moving, propelling the squid-like creature as far away from that area as it could possibly go.

As Mario climbed back towards the hub, he reflected on the past week. It had been rough, but if he was right, it was all about to end for the best... tomorrow night.

XXXX

Saturday

It was, at long last, the day of Kurain's Christmas festival. For most of the day, Mario was very content to hang out with Link and Zelda, laughing and joking around like good old times.

Finally, they arrived at the village itself. It was a picture-perfect Christmas town, all the snow-covered houses, the lights, people singing carols... if this didn't scream Christmas, nothing did. It actually made Mario very reluctant to do what he had to do when he bid his friends a quick farewell and set off into the village, looking for a white top and orange pants.

He had quite a walk ahead of him, past two guys dressed in red and blue battling pokemon- a Vaporeon and a Zubat, by the looks of things- and a girl chasing a scarf being blown away by the wind. His constitutional was only interrupted when he heard a cry of "STOP! THIEF!"

Spinning around, Mario saw her- Chell was sprinting across open ground with a strange man chasing her- dressed entirely in purple, and, even when clearly in distress, a strange sort of smile etched across his face. Quickly, he leapt out in front of them. "Chell! What are you doing?!"

Both Chell and the man in purple turned to him- Chell's face in tears. "They all left me! They all left me alone! So I'm taking the fireworks!"

"So, if you can't be happy, no one can?" Mario asked, steadily approaching. "Is that the kind of person you want to be?"

The purple man, mercifully, remained silent, watching the exchange interestedly. Mario reached into his pocket and pulled something out. "Here- I have a present for you."

"A Christmas present?" Chell asked- for some reason, the idea seemed to depress her.

"No- a birthday present." Chell looked up at him, shocked. "It... is your birthday, isn't it?" Mario asked tentatively.

"Yeah... but... how did you know?"

"The picture," Mario explained. "It had a calendar in the back, marking off the days... not to Christmas, but... to your birthday."

Chell looked taken aback. Steadily, she lowered the pack to the ground so she could open up the package, revealing a DVD case of sorts, blue, with a cover depicting all sorts of smashers charging out from behind a logo proudly announcing: Super Smash Bros. For Wii U!

"What- why?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Because it's the kind of game that's more fun to play with other people," Mario smiled gently. "I bet Juju and Cody would be all over it."

"But those two are idiots!" Chell objected. "Didn't you see them fighting over that toy?"

"Well, I'm sorry, Chell, but if you're waiting for friends who aren't idiots, you'll be looking for a long time," Mario smirked. "But here's a fun little secret- sometimes idiots are the most fun people to be around. Why not give 'em a shot before you write them off?"

Slowly, Chell looked down at the game, the corner of her mouth twitching, almost into a smile. Finally, she turned to the man in purple. "I- I'm sorry," she stuttered. "Sorry I... I took your fireworks."

"Not at all, my child, not at all," the man grinned, looking overjoyed as he lifted the pack back onto his... back. "Perhaps we've learned a valuable lesson from this, hm?"

"Maybe," Chell muttered, looking at the ground. "Mario... thanks."

With that, she turned and dashed back off into the crowd. Mario looked at the man. "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

"I do find your face familiar," the man agreed. "The Happy Mask Salesman, at your service."

Which brought up many memories Mario would be just fine not having. "Ah. Yeah. Now I remember. So, fireworks?" he added, eager to change the subject.

"Ah, yes, custom made back home in Lavender Lane," the Salesman grinned. "Brought them over for the party! Nobody really celebrates anything back in Lavender Lane, you see..."

"Well, here's hoping the display goes well," Mario smiled.

"Indeed," the Salesman agreed. "But, in the meantime, I think I'll retreat to get some peace and quiet- and finish off my dinner!" He grinned as he produced a bag of Burger King chicken fries. "My favorite," he smiled.

"I don't blame you," Mario smiled, before they both turned and went their separate ways.

XXXX

Mario had to search around the village for much longer afterwards before finally locating his next target- strange, considering he stuck out like a sore thumb. "Kratos! Hey, Kratos!"

"Hm?" the large white boy grunted, turning. "Oh, Mario- what do you want?"

"Early Christmas present," Mario smiled slightly, lifting a fist and opening it to reveal a small, blue bracelet made of cloth and beads.

Kratos's mouth fell open in a perfect O. "What- how..."

"You can say you don't need it all you want," Mario said, "but I saw your face when you threw it in- you regretted it immediately. You looked like you'd give anything to have it back, so... here it is."

Kratos reached out with a trembling hand, allowing Mario to slip it onto his wrist. Mario looked up at him, dropping the smile. "Look, Kratos... I think you're looking at this the wrong way. You don't want to forget her- no, the opposite! Remember her, the warmth you felt whenever you were with her, so that you remember to always live you life the way she'd have wanted you to."

Kratos looked very taken aback, receiving such a lecture from what, in his eyes, must look like just a scrawny underclassman. "But... it hurts... so much..."

"Don't forget the pain, either," Mario shook his head, deadly serious. "Hold onto it. Embrace it. And with it... tell yourself that nobody else will have to feel that way... because you're going to do everything you can to stop anything like it from happening again."

Kratos stared at the bracelet on his wrist, and Mario could see the emotion building up in him. Tears began to leak from his eyes and stream down his face, before he leaned his head back and cried out to the sky: "LYSAAAAAAANDRAAAAAAAAA!"

Mario, unable to help himself, stepped forward and gave him a man-hug. "It's alright, big guy... let it all out."

And, to his surprise, this time around, Kratos returned the hug, squeezing him like the world would fall apart if he ever let go.

XXXX

Eventually, the two realized they were making somewhat of a scene, and quickly stepped apart, trying to alleviate the awkwardness. "So..." Mario muttered.

"Yeah..." Kratos mumbled, his eyes red but his voice steadying.

"I've got a couple of friends I could introduce you to, if you want," Mario suggested, unable to think of anything else to say.

"Yeah, sure, sounds good," Kratos agreed, seemingly just to break the awkward silence.

The two began pushing their way through the crowds until Mario heard a voice hailing him down. "Mario! Hey, Mario!"

"Lucina!" he smiled, heading towards the blue-haired swordswoman, standing alongside Waluigi, and this time, with Robin present as well. "Should have known you wouldn't miss this party for anything!"

"Yeah, yeah... can we assume you're done with watching over the noobs, then?" Lucina asked.

"Sorry, sis," Mario shrugged. "It was just a one-week gig."

"Some people have all the luck," Lucina muttered. "I'm still in it for another month for my extra credit."

"By the way," Mario spoke, a sudden thought occurring to him, "could you keep a special eye on Chell while you're at it?"

"Chell? The girl with the orange pants?"

"Yeah, her. I think I may have gotten her some friends, but it would definitely comfort me to know whether they hit it off or not."

Lucina was on the verge of speaking again when another, much less welcome voice interrupted. "If you're asking someone to keep an eye on friendship, I don't understand why you're appealing to the most friendship-challenged group in the Smash Mansion."

Lucina groaned. "Freaking Blackquill!"

Sure enough, Aura was back, a condescending smirk on her face. "You must be almost as stupid as the boy in purple over there," she continued from her earlier statement, looking at Mario.

Mario could feel a steady rage beginning to build inside him, but Lucina beat him to it. "Look, Aura, nobody wants you here right now, okay? Why not just head over to the other side of the village- it's a big place, I'm sure you don't have to be here right now."

"Why not? It's a free country, I can stand right here if I want to. If I want to come over and chat with the band of losers and retards, that is my prerogative."

Lucina's eyes lit up, but this time, it was Waluigi, of all people, who intervened. "You will-a not be a-disrespectin' Waluigi's friends!"

"I'd hardly call them your friends," Aura smirked. "More like they take pity on you and hang out with you every now and again based on that."

Waluigi seemed to be swelling with anger. "Waluigi Buu no like you!"

"And now you're throwing out old, overused show references," she smirked. "You lack any creativity whatsoever."

What happened next happened incredibly quickly, over a matter of only a few seconds- Lucina, enraged, stepped forward, hand going for her sword. Aura, seeing it, smirked, and reached for what appeared to be a gun in her belt. Waluigi saw Lucina in danger and moved to grab Aura's hand before she could reach it. Suddenly looking furious, Aura shouted, "Don't touch me, you filthy Sierran!" She grabbed his wrist and forcibly shoved him to the ground, where his head landed, with a sickening *Crunch!* on the corner of the sidewalk.

Everyone fell silent. Mario, Lucina, Robin, Aura, and Kratos all stared down at where a pool of blood was gathering around Waluigi's head. Aura, attempting to regain her composure, arrogantly announced, "You all saw it! He slipped after he tried to assault me!"

Mario heard the sound of thunder, and turned to see Kratos, bending over, heaving and puffing in sheer fury. "You... you evil, foul, loathsome wret ch!" he bellowed.

Aura, seeing her BS wasn't going to fly this time, turned and sprinted off. Kratos, not waiting for anyone to encourage or dissuade him, tore after her, leaving Mario, Robin, and Lucina to stand, horrified, around Waluigi's form on the ground. "Waluigi... not... feel... good," Waluigi muttered.

"It's gonna be alright, Wa! Don't worry, it's gonna be alright!" Robin cried as she bent down over him.

"Are you kidding? Look at that- of course it's not going to be-"

"I know, but can we at least try for some sympathy?!" Robin cried, tears streaming down his face as he cradled Waluigi in his arms.

Mario stood there, panicking for a moment, before a thought occurred to him. "Hold on a second!" he realized. "I have an app for this!"

"What?!" Lucina asked, turning on him. "Mario, this is not the time-"

"Hold up!" Mario silenced her, dialing a number on his cell phone as fast as he could.

XXXX

Sharla was in the middle of cleaning a glass over her sink when she heard her phone ring. Picking it up, she swiped a finger across the screen and lifted to her ear. "Hello, this is Sharla Black speaking."

"Sharla! Get over here! We've got an injured student!"

Sharla reeled back, fumbling with her phone for a few seconds before getting a grip on it and holding it up to her ear. "Mario? What's going on? Say it again- slowly."

"We have a student who's been badly hurt- his head's split open on the curb! We need you over here now!"

Sharla suddenly felt paralyzed- she wasn't prepared for this. "Mario, I know I told you I did some medical training, but-"

"Listen up! You can feel sorry for yourself on your own time! Right now, this could be a matter of life and death, so GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"

"R-right," Sharla agreed, putting down the glass and heading around the counter.

"Now, what do we need to do to keep him going until you can get here?"

"Well, the most immediate threat is blood loss," Sharla thought quickly. "You need to bind the wound. Any sort of long cloth should do the trick..."

Mario quickly leapt to his feet, looking frantically around the crowd. "Long cloth... long cloth..."

Suddenly, he spied a student walking by- he recognized her as Kay Faraday, though he hadn't spoken with her much. And around her neck was... a long, purple scarf. "Kay!" he cried out, rushing towards her. "KAY!"

"Huh?" Turning around, she saw Mario approaching her. "Something going-"

"I need to borrow your scarf! No time to explain!"

"Hey, I just got this back!" Kay objected as Mario wrenched the scarf from her neck and took off back towards Waluigi. "Wait!"

She pursued Mario... only to pale when she saw Waluigi, seemingly getting worse and worse by the second. "Second thought... yeah, you can borrow my scarf for a bit."

Mario could have kissed her, but he didn't have the time. Looking up, he saw Sharla shuffling through a rapidly-growing crowd, calling out that she was a medic. On her back was slung her rifle. She, too, paled when she saw the state the young man was in. "Oh... oh, that's not good..."

"What do we need to heal him?!" Mario asked forcefully.

"Um... ether crystals!" Sharla struggled to think straight. "We need some water ether crystals, I could load them into my gun, make a healing cloud that would take care of the worst of the damage..."

"Well, that's just great!" Mario muttered. "Where the heck are we gonna get water-"

"Water ether crystals?" came a voice nearby, and Mario spun to see Red and Blue approaching, a sack in their hands. "You say this guy needs some water ether?"

"Don't tell me-" Sharla began, taking the bag and emptying into her hand, revealing several units of pure, crystallized water ether. "How-where did you get this?"

"This guy in green gave it to us just a few minutes ago!" Red recalled. "Seemed eager to get rid of it, to be honest..."

Sharla, however, didn't wait to hear the explanation- she was already loading the crystals into her rifle, aiming it up at the sky, and firing off a single shot. A blue cloud appeared above them, floating gently to the ground, and absorbing into Waluigi. For a long, tense moment, everyone stared, watching, waiting...

Finally, Waluigi's eyes blinked open. "Wa-Waluigi feeling... better?" he asked. Moving gingerly, he forced himself to his feet, feeling at the scarf. "Ah! Waluigi still be hurtin'... but Waluigi back in tha game!" he cheered.

His cheer was met with several more cheers in the crowd. "He's good!" was the general rallying cry.

"Let me through, let me through!" came a loud, gruff-sounding voice, and Mario turned to see Kratos forcing his way back through the crowd. "What happened?"

"He's okay," Mario sighed in relief. "He's going to be fine."

"Where's Aura?" Lucina asked, a shadow passing over her face as she looked at Kratos.

"Oh, don't worry about her," Kratos muttered, scowling. "She won't be bothering anyone for a long time."

Ominous, but Mario had his own things to think about. Somehow, this all seemed too... convenient. Waluigi got hurt, and immediately on hand was a medic, a cloth to bind the wound, and some water ether to heal it? What were the odds? It was like somebody had made sure things happened this way... like someone knew what was going to happen, and planned accordingly... and the one person who could have done that...

His train of thought was broken as Lucina tackled him in a bear hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she cried. "I don't know what I'd do without this big lug..."

"Thank you so much," Robin agreed. "If it weren't for you, we'd be down a party member- and that's a position you never want to be in."

"I have to thank you, too," Kratos put in. "If it weren't for you, Lysandra would be looking down on a sad, broken shell of a man right now. But from now on, I'm going to take your advice- less feeling sorry for myself, more making sure nobody else has to feel that pain."

"Speaking of pain," Sharla put in, "I think I owe you a thanks, too. This whole thing... it reminded me why I got into medicine to begin with. Saving people, healing them... it meant so much to me. I think I'll go back to school, now- earn that degree in medicine. If I'm lucky, I could be working in a hospital this time in two or three years!"

Mario was glad to be recognized, of course, but even through all the praise, he had eyes for only two people, on the opposite side of the crowd- two people who had just noticed him. A blond girl in a blue dress, and an equally-blond swordsman, decked in green...

"Thanks, guys," he addressed them all, "but I've got a friend to meet up with. I've kind of been neglecting him, I think it's time I fix that..."

And so it came to be that they all bid him a very fond farewell as he made his way through the crowd towards his greatest friends in the world. The most genuine smile he thought he'd ever felt gracing his face, he asked, "Hey, Link! You ready to watch those fireworks go off? Sounds like it's going to be spectacular!"

Link looked taken aback at first, but slowly, an equal smile crossed his face. "Yeah, let's see them!"

Abruptly, a whistling sound filled the air, followed not long after by a colossal *BANG!* Above their heads, the air was filled with sparks of yellows, reds, blues, violets, greens, oranges...

It had been a hard week, Mario reflected, but at the end of it all, it had been worth it. Glancing over at the smiles on everyone's faces, from Lucina and her crew to Sharla and Kratos to those of his best friends... oh, yes. It had been worth it indeed.

XXXX

The students of the Smash Mansion were still talking fervently to one another as they made their way back up the hill to the mansion. Mario was overjoyed to be alongside Link and Zelda once more, talking and laughing as animatedly as ever. Finally, they arrived in the hub and assumed their usual chairs by the fire. As the usual hustle and bustle surrounded them, Link and Zelda exchanged a meaningful glance, and finally turned on Mario.

"Uh-oh," Mario smiled. "I know those looks- what are you guys gonna ask me?"

"Well, we think it's about time you told us what's been going on this past week," Link said, his arms crossed. "And no feeding us BS about 'oh, I was in the library.' Crud has been going on behind the scenes, and you're going to tell us."

Mario glanced from Link's face to Zelda's, which showed that she agreed with everything Link had just said, and sighed. "You guys aren't going to give me any choice, are you?"

"Nope!" they answered in unison.

"You know what? Alright then," Mario sighed. "You win. I'll tell you everything. But buckle up- seriously, make yourself comfortable. It's a loooooooong story..."

XXXX

Sunday

"So you finally told them what was going on?"

"Sure did."

"And how did they take it?"

"Pretty well, actually. I mean, they were confused, I think, as to why I felt the need to keep it a secret... Link said he wished I just told him from the start- he was imagining much worse things."

"Perhaps honesty really is the best policy."

"Well, if that's the case, why not put your money where your mouth is?"

"Hm?"

Mario turned to the young man on the bench beside him, crossing his arms. "Don't you dare play innocent with me- you've been behind this all from the beginning!"

"Me?" Shulk Clairvoya asked, blinking his eyes in an 'I'm-innocent' kind of way, a halo appearing over his head. "That's ridiculous. How could I?"

The first thing in the morning, Mario had charged up to the Troubles Center and demanded that the blue eyes remove themselves from behind the wall and take a walk with him. They had objected at first, until he correctly identified them as the blond youth in red currently sitting at his side. "You see the future," Mario recalled. "You knew all this was going to happen, ever since the play, at least. You gave me that note to come when I needed to. You knew all these terrible things would happen, but instead of trying to stop it, you twisted things around, manipulating them all towards the best outcome for everyone... you magnificent bastard."

"Well, now, who can say?" Shulk shrugged. "I suppose that's certainly a possibility, but..."

"But nothing," Mario shook his head. "That's what happened, and nothing you say is going to convince me otherwise."

"Are you complaining?" Shulk raised an eyebrow.

"Not at all," Mario smiled. "At the end of it all... well, like I said, it works out best for everyone. Waluigi's alive, Lucina's going to get her extra credit, Kratos can move on from Lysandra's death, Sharla's going back to following her dreams, that psycho Aura's been expelled, and I've got Link's Christmas present all ordered and ready to go!"

"Yes, indeed, quite a wonderful gift," Shulk agreed.

"You're telling me," Mario smiled. "A bigger-on-the-inside camping apparatus complete with dance floor and spinning mirror ball- a bona fide disco-tent."

_XXXX_

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! At long last, this is complete! And just in time for the New Year!... he says three days late.

I am so sorry for the hiatus, guys. The original intent was to get it up in early December, then all the aforementioned things happened, on top of several other things... Then I wanted to get it up by Christmas, but then Gandora came back for the holidays (and gave me the best Christmas present ever by telling me he'll be moving back for good in April- WOO-HOO!) and then I started playing several games with my beloved sister, Blue Phoenix, started seeing a psychologist, recommenced my job hunt, set some things up with my godmother... it's been insane over here. My dearest wish is that this absurdly long chapter (43 pages and a whole year in the making) makes up for it- indeed, it has two achievements assigned to it at once! It is both the longest chapter I've ever written for anything, ever, and is the chapter that pushes us over the mark- this is now officially the longest Mario Mario story yet! And we still haven't gotten to the second trial... which I aim to fix! My biggest New Years resolution is to fix my absolutely broken update schedule (though the sad thing is, this still isn't as bad as the Dungeon of Secrets era... shudder...) so, if all goes well, you should see a new chapter up by the end of the week! Not tonight, though... I need to take a nap. I've been setting this whole thing up for so long, it's extremely exciting and cathartic to see it finally going up, but I hope you guys don't blame me for putting random quickies on the shelf for a while. The next several chapters should be main ones, just to give me a break after this huge thing. But to let me know if it was worth it, as ever, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	27. Mario's Dating Service

Gamer4 in. Wow, looking back at the last chapter, it was pretty heavy- especially by my standards. Don't get too used to it- nothing but poop and fart jokes from here on out. Anyways, getting started today on a chapter whose name is a reference to the first anime I ever saw- Kiki's Delivery Service. Hope you guys enjoy!

Disclaimer: Beware of strange faces and dark, dingy places, be careful when bending the law, and the house you live in will never fall down if you pity the stranger who stands at the door.

Chapter XXII

Mario's Dating Service

"Mario! Mario!"

"Hm? Whatsa goin' on?" Not his groggiest awakening, but not exactly a winner either. He opened his eyes, rubbing them fervently to get the sleep out, to see Link staring at him- along most of the rest of that day's Transformation class.

"Glad to see you could finally join us, Mario," Samus noted, her eyes half-closed. "But are you sure I'm not distracting you too much? Do you still have unfinished business in the Animus?"

"No, ma'am," Mario shook his head, eyes cast down towards his desk. He was steadily recovering from the past week-and-a-half, but he still found himself much sleepier in class than he usually was. "Sorry."

Samus sighed, but went ahead with what she'd been saying. "Alright, so, as I was saying, I have another announcement for you all."

Remembering what Samus's last big announcement towards the end of a class had signified, Mario braced himself. Samus continued. "As you all well know by now, the Smash Bros. traditionally makes a point of celebrating all the winter holidays- and this year will be no exception. However, this year, as part of the Console Games, we are stepping up even further- Christmas Day will see the arrival of the Festival of Trees, to be held in the Dining Hall starting at 8:00. For the most part, only fourth years or higher will be coming- though underclassmen may attend under special circumstances, such as being invited by an upperclassmen..." Samus's voice trailed off as she cast her eyes into her students and spied Saria Kokiri with her head slumped back over her chair. Everyone watched tensely as the tall, blond-haired woman silently crossed the chamber to lean over her desk. Saria gave a grunting snore and a jerk, raising her head up and blinking open her eyes, only to yelp and leap backwards when she spied Samus less than a foot in front of her, calling out, "Morning, Sleeping Beauty!"

There was a light chuckle around the class as Saria turned red and Samus returned to the head of the class. "Again, as I was saying- Festival of Trees, 8:00, Christmas Day. As some of you may have guessed, this is the event that you brought your fancy clothes for, so be sure to put those on before coming down. We hope you all enjoy it- this is a chance for us all to cut loose."

At which Saria and her best friend, Ilia, broke down laughing- albeit doing their best to keep said laughter hidden from their teacher. Mario could see it- he was tempted to give into his straight-man side at this line, but resisted at the thought of Samus's wrath. If there was one teacher in the mansion that he couldn't imagine truly 'cutting loose,' it was Samus Aran.

"That said, however!" Samus barked, capturing everyone's attention. "That does not mean that this is an excuse to go wild and bring dishonor upon the name of the Smash Mansion! During the festival, you remain representatives of this school, and we expect you to behave as such! In particular, if any Nintendo students should disgrace this school's good name..."

She made no threat, not in words or in actions, but her glare alone was enough to cow most of them into behaving. Finally, she cleared her face. "But that's all for now! Dismissed."

Most of the class, eager to put as much distance between themselves and that glare as humanly possible, packed quickly and dashed out the doors. Mario was on the point of following suit when Samus raised her voice. "Hold up there, Mario- I need to have a talk with you."

Mario cast his eyes at Link and Zelda, who wordlessly promised to wait for him outside, before making his way up to where Samus awaited him. Given his earlier awakening, he was somewhat tense- and he wasn't entirely sure whether or not the situation improved when Samus explained herself. "Alright, Mario, here's the deal- the contestants of the Console Games traditionally are the ones to open the festivities with their partners, so-"

"Partners?" Mario repeated, confused. "What partners?"

Samus lowered her lids halfway. "Your partners in time- what do you think? Your dance partners- the Festival is a dance, isn't it?"

Mario felt himself go cold- as anyone who knew him well could attest, dancing was not on his skillset. "Yeah, Ms. Aran, about that... I don't exactly-"

"If you're going to tell me that you don't dance, you can hold your breath," Samus cut him off. "We're not abandoning tradition this year- the contestants always open up the dance. Like I said, it would be severely... disappointing... if a Nintendo representative were to bring dishonor on our name. You wouldn't want to disappoint me, now, would you?"

Mario gulped nervously. "No, ma'am... no I wouldn't."

"Glad to hear it," Samus nodded. "So, I expect you to get yourself a partner by Christmas Day. Alright?"

XXXX

Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire. Had Mario been presented with this idea before the first trial, he'd have eagerly jumped on it as an alternative to fighting Ridley head-on, but now that all was said and done, he thought he'd prefer another round or two with Ridley- to the death, this time.

It was looking like the Smash Mansion was going to be a very crowded place this Christmas. The alternative being the Smiths, Mario always signed up to spend the holidays at the mansion the moment the option became available, but between having families to go home to and terror-induced mass exoduses, he was typically in the minority on that one, along with Link, Zelda, and, occasionally, the twin puffballs. But this year, he was having trouble spying a single person who'd elected to return home- and even worse, the sole thought on everyone's mind seemed to be that accursed festival. Mario, the threat of an angry Samus lurking over his head, accordingly turned his attention towards the female population- which seemed to have inexplicably tripled since the festival's announcement. Agitatingly enough, many of them seemed to be traveling around the large building in packs, making it absurdly difficult to get a solo conversation with one.

"It's a problem, buddy," Link agreed when Mario related this to him. "But no matter what they do, it's nothing compared to what Samus will do if you let her down. You'll just have to grit your teeth and do it. Any idea who it's gonna be?"

To which Mario could only remain silent. Did he have any idea who to ask? Well, yeah, actually- he knew exactly who he'd like to take to the festival. The problem was, not only was Pauline Dama just as prone to being in packs as the rest of the girls in the mansion, but her popularity meant she was typically smack in the center.

Link interpreted Mario's silence with surprising accuracy, and responded to it by throwing an arm over his shoulder. "Look, don't worry about it, brah! It's not like you haven't racked up a bit of popularity yourself over the past couple weeks! First taking out that dragon, then all that business with Waluigi down in Kurain? You're a local hero, man!" Lowering his voice into a song, he began crooning, "Paris, the city of lovers is burning... true, that's because it's on fire..."

"Stop right there," Mario cut him off. "That song is not worth getting sued over."

Link shrugged, but aside from his chosen music, Mario was actually grateful. While pre-first-trial Link had been bitter, post-trial-Link was doing everything he could to make up for it, putting a lid on his jealously and rubbing Mario's shoulders in his corner once more. And dang if he didn't turn out to be right!

To his surprise, Mario faced quite an onslaught of proposals over the following week or so- though none he'd accepted. One of the Sohnee students, Yuna Burress, approached him not long after, but there was something about her that Mario found remarkably off-putting. Then came the Sierran Ini Miney, who went absolutely berserk when he'd turned her down, genuinely flipping the smeg out.

"Narrow dodge on that one," Link reflected in the hub afterwards. "Freaking psycho..."

Though he agreed wholeheartedly, Mario couldn't help recalling Zelda's words about Sonic and his admirers- They wouldn't give him the time of day if he wasn't a famous Smash-Up player... Something told him his popularity had less to do with himself and more to do with his takedown of Ridley during the first trial. Unbidden, a new worry began nagging at his mind- if Pauline did ask him, or if she accepted him, would it be for the same reason?

All that said, however, Mario was very ready to admit that things had much improved for him since the end of the first trial- it seemed the annual 'Make-Mario-Mario-a-pariah' month was over at last. The only people left flashing off those stupid 'Mario sucks' propaganda badges were Bowser and his crew, which was all to be expected. Even better, despite Zelda's worries over Glados's interview with Crazy, no horror stories about the hand had yet appeared in the Fourside Tribune.

"She be askin' all kind weird stuff in dat 'terview," Crazy related to Mario and co. one Smashing Creatures class. "Mez be tinkin she wanta know 'bout da Chimeerees, but she only be askin' 'bout youz, Mario!"

"Me?" Mario asked apprehensively. Thankfully, they had time for a chat today- the Chimaeras were sleeping wherever Crazy was keeping them, and they were simply putting together a new menu of food that would hopefully call the creatures off of eating each other.

"Yup!" Crazy recalled. "Iz tell her all 'bout da times we gots togedda, from mez pickin' y'all up at da Smitties, all da way ta 'day! Weird askin', too. All 'bout da 'Dark side-a Mario Mario,' sumtin' like dat. Wat he be doin' 'hind closed doors, all da times mez gotta step in stop you from doin' bad stuff, times youz be shoutin' down teacherz... Mez keep sayin' dat kind stuff no happen, youz good kid, she keep goin'- you sure he no sociopath? Have his way wit lotsa girls? Animal 'buser? Anyting like dat? Iz keep sayin' no... no... no... good kid, all on da up-n'-up... Hmm... me tinks dat be 'bout da time she drop her coinz, ask more questionz... really bad grip on dose coins, too, keep droppin' 'em whenever she ask her questions..."

Mario sighed. "Well, looks like it's finally happening."

"What happening?"

Link nodded wisely. "Yup, bro, looks like it. Can't keep writing about the lone, tragic gunslinger- it would just get boring after a while."

"What you guyz be talkin' bout?"

"She's after a new angle, Cray," Link explained. "She didn't want to hear about him being a good kid, she wanted you to start talking about what an insane sociopath he is." Winking at Mario and nudging him with his elbow, he muttered, "What an assbutt," causing them both to smirk. Ah, the insult that had become a running gag between the two of them...

"But he not be!" Crazy objected. "Mario one da greatest kids I know!"

"Should have talked to Game Theory," Mario muttered. "Or Wolf- what was it he said? Mario made a hit list of all our rules when he first arrived, and he's been crossing them off one-by-one ever since, or something like that..."

"He be sayin' dat?" Crazy asked. "Well, me be mittin' you not da best 'bout followin' da rulez, but it all work out for da better in da end, don't it?"

"That's one way of looking at it," Mario shrugged, a smile crossing his face.

"So, how about that festival?" Link changed the subject. "Thinking of coming on up, Crazy?"

"Might do," Crazy nodded. "Mez... just gotta find... da right partna..." Perhaps it was Mario's imagination, but he thought the hand twitched towards Sohnee's sub as he spoke. "But anyways... word on da wind be tellin' me da Console Games contestants be openin' da dance! Youz got yaself a partna, Marioz?"

"Not as of yet..." Mario muttered, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.

XXXX

Had Mario thought talk about the festival was thick before? Hooh, boy, he hadn't seen anything yet. Rumors began flying thicker and faster about the party in the week or so leading up to it, from pretty rational, like the Master Hand calling in a famous band to play, to somewhat out there, like him offering amateur bands from the student body a chance to play as well, to so far out there that Alpha Centauri needed a telescope to see them, such as the old hand spiking all the drinks to be served at the party with copious amounts of Adult Drink imported from Eagleland.

The teachers were struggling more and more to actually pass on their knowledge and wisdom as Winter Break approached, to the point that some, such as Pikachu, gave up altogether and brought out some board and card games for them to play. (Link creamed Mario and Zelda in Cards Against Humanity, Mario dominated at Magic, the Gathering, and Zelda owned everyone's butts at Trivial Pursuit.) Not all teachers, though. Professor Andonuts just continued his routines as ever, leaving his students wondering whether he even recognized their existence. Samus and Simon, of course, kept them working to their bones, ("What, you think those demonic sons of b****es will be taking a break for Christmas? Of course not- what do you think you're going to do if Krampus comes for you? Evil doesn't stop for Christmas, so neither can we!") and, of course, Wolf was about as likely to ease off of them as he was to allow them to eat Highmore Caviar in the middle of class.

"Freaking winnicott," Link was found to be muttering after one Power-Ups class in particular. (Okay, yeah, he said that after most Power-Ups classes, but we're talking about the penultimate one of the year.) "Putting us through a big test right before Winter break..."

"Not like you're stressing yourself out over it, though," Zelda noted from behind her notebook. Link was, indeed, hard at work- setting up a trail of dominoes over the Nintendo hub's floor.

"Ah, let him off easy, Zelda- it's Christmas," Mario muttered, hard at work himself- trying to solve a Professor Layton puzzle. Finally, he thought he had the answer- he tapped submit, eagerly awaiting the victory screen. "Come on... come on... SON OF A-"

"I would have thought you'd have better things to do, Mario," Zelda looked up at him, crossing her arms in disapproval. "Link, yeah, I kind of expected, but you?"

"What makes him/me so different?" both boys asked at once.

"Well, the fact that you have a clue about the second trial to be solving, for one," Zelda pointed out.

"Ah, I've got three more months," Mario waved the criticism aside.

"Actually, only a little over two," Zelda corrected. "And if those don't sound like famous last words, I don't know what does! I mean, what happens if the day of the trial comes, the other three contestants have all worked out their strategy down to the second, and you don't even know where the trial is?!"

"Ah, give him a break, Zelda," Link shrugged, preparing to set off his domino chain. "If anyone around here's earned a break, it's him." He tipped the dominoes over, only for one of them to stand firm, absolutely refusing to fall. "Oh, come on, how does that make sense?"

"For some things, bro, there's just no excuse," came a nearby voice, prompting the trio to look up and see Kirby and Meta Knight approaching.

"Hey, bro," Kirby was asking. "Where's Riki?"

"Out delivering a letter," Link recalled. "Why?"

"Because Zelda's given us the task of preparing Christmas dinner instead of the yoshis," Kirby muttered.

"Because we want to send a letter, too, why d'ya think?" Meta interjected.

Zelda looked away- she actually had given them that task, not that they seemed to be listening. Link, for his part, eyed his siblings with suspicion. "Who's your secret pen pal, huh? Who have you two been writing all year?"

"We'll let you know right after it becomes your business," Kirby shot back.

"Anyways- have you three strapping young suitors gotten yourselves dates to the FOT yet?" Meta changed the subject.

Mario, Link, and Zelda all glanced awkwardly at one another- the only one of them to have even asked someone out was Zelda, who'd responded to some strange, alien impulse to ask Solid Snake, only to turn and dash off before the request had even registered with the Sohnee titan.

"I see," Kirby shook his head. "Well, you should all hurry up- you don't want all the good dates to be taken."

"Who're you two going out with, then?" Link objected.

"Can't speak for Kirb, but I'm going out with Kumatora!" Meta smirked.

"She's already agreed?" Link asked, narrowing his eyebrows skeptically.

"Good point," Meta shrugged. The twin puffballs turned their attention to the corner of the hub where Ana Lee, Paula Polestar, and Kumatora Jones were having a conversation. Kirby grabbed a nearby sheet of paper, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it into the air. Meta leapt up, calling out, "HADOUKEN!" and whacking the paper into the back of Kumatora's head.

The Nintendo fireball spun around, anger in her face. "Alright, who's the wise guy?" she shouted, only to cool when she saw it was the puffballs. "Oh. You two. What is it?"

"Just thought I'd ask out the best Offensive Smash-Up player in the school to the FOT," Meta grinned.

Kumatora smirked. "Well, I like the cut of your jib... alright, meet you at seven!"

"Alright!" Meta whooped, pumping the air.

"And how's about the other twin, Paula?" Kirby put in suggestively.

"Nah, I'm already going with Ness," Paula shook her head. "I think Ana's free, though."

"Right on," Ana smiled. "Always wanted to go on a date with a giant marshmallow- gonna cross that one off my bucket list."

With that, the three of them turned back to their conversation, leaving the puffballs to grin at the Golden Trio. "Y'see?" Meta smirked.

"It really is that easy," Kirby followed up. "Anyways... looks like we should use a school albatross, Meta..."

As the two headed out of the hub, Link turned back towards Mario. "They've got a point, you know... we really should get our smeg together. We keep sitting around and twiddling our thumbs, we're gonna end up with a couple of Grimers..."

"A couple of what, now?" came an indignant splutter, drawing both boys' attention to Zelda. "What did I just hear you say?"

"Well, at the rate we're just sitting around here, the only girl left in the mansion is going to be... um... I don't know... Gandrayda, say."

"What's so wrong about Gandrayda? I know she's a little on the mischievous side, but she's not all that bad!"

"Her skin's blue."

Zelda facepalmed. "So, basically, what you're telling me is, you're going to take the girl who's the best-looking by your standards, even if she's a terrible person?!"

"Pretty much, yeah," Link shrugged.

"And you, Mario?" Zelda turned ferociously on the pyromancer. Mario was on the point of recalling the incidents with Ini Miney and Aura Blackquill when Zelda, not waiting for a reply, growled, "Never mind, I'm going to bed," before seizing her things and storming up to the girls' dorm.

XXXX

As ever, it seemed that the staff of the Smash Mansion were pulling out all possible stops to impress their guests from Mycrowsoft and Sohnee. Not that Christmastime around the mansion wasn't always a blast, but this year looked to be so grand it made the previous parties look like the Smiths had hosted them. The building's interior was coming to resemble a winter wonderland to put even Kurain to shame- between the icicles from the ceiling, the warm snow falling gently towards the ground, trees decorated more fabulously than ever before, the usual static lights throughout the mansion replaced with glowing oranges, reds, greens, and blues, and the subjects of paintings all singing gentle carols, the only thing missing was Mr. Tumnus coming out from behind a frosted lamppost.

And yet...Mario still hadn't asked Pauline. Link was feeling a similar strain, but as Mario pointed out, at least Link didn't have to open up the dancing.

"Okay, look, there's nothing else for it- we'll just have to bite the bullet and ask someone out," Link decided one night. "Come on, let's make a pact, right here, right now- by the time we get back to the hub tomorrow night, we'll both have partners, a'ight?"

Mario agreed, but found this one a difficult pact to go through with- no matter how out of his way he went the next day, he couldn't seem to catch Pauline alone- she was surrounded by her comrades wherever she went. Come on, he thought, he could understand a close sense of camaraderie with one's friends, but did she really need to go to the bathroom with a full escort? Holy Wave Existence, what was he supposed to do, hire Spider-man to snatch her away with a web?

And still, the clock was ticking...

The last power-ups class of the year went by in a flash- not the best thing, considering the test they were taking that day. They were intended to be making Jamming Jellies that day- complex power-ups that restored a great deal of health and stamina- but forgot to add a Whacka's Bump, a key ingredient, and subsequently came out with a rare candy- a good power-up, mind, but not anywhere near the one Wolf had requested. He couldn't imagine the penalty his grade was going to take over this, but he had more important things on his mind- like heading up through the mansion in an effort to corner Pauline.

He bid his friends a quick farewell, receiving a wish of good luck from Link and a stony silence from Zelda, before rushing up through the floors of the mansion. The only strategy he could devise, he was afraid, was asking her for a private word, and assuming he wasn't arrested on the spot, maybe he could swing getting her alone to ask her...

He'd been, at some level, hoping he'd be unable to find her, and thus have an excuse ready when he returned to the hub without her, but this idea was blown out of the water when he ran into her in the first place he checked- coming out of her final Protection from the Evils class, surrounded, as ever, by what seemed to him to be twenty or thirty other girls.

"P-p-p-p... Pauline?" he found himself whispering as they turned and headed off in the opposite direction.

_Oh, come on, what was that?_ screamed his internal voice. _Come on, you're Mario flipping Mario, you can do better than that!_

Gritting his teeth, Mario spoke up again- much louder, this time. "HEY, PAULINE!"

He couldn't tell whether the situation had improved or worsened, he reflected, as she turned around, yes, but with a look of momentary fright on her face. Trying to make himself look as non-threatening as possible, he spoke again, this time in a much calmer voice. "Mind if... mind if I have a quick word?"

And, once more, had the situation gotten better or not? Pauline looked much calmer, even smiling a bit, but her accursed friends had suddenly broken down laughing. He decided to shut them out, however, when Pauline stepped away from them, nodding. "Yeah, sure."

The two of them stepped away from her comrades, Mario turned to her, opened his mouth, and... choked.

"Yes?" Pauline prompted.

Mario was feeling myriad strange sensations coursing throughout his body. His brain had dropped down into his stomach, and his kidneys into his socks. His heart was beating faster than it ever had before, and it felt like his blood had suddenly been replaced with gasoline. _Come on, stupid, now's the time! Do it!_

"Uh...uh...uhh..."

_Come on! Yesterday, you said tomorrow, so just... DO IT! Don't let your dreams be dreams!_

"Wa-wa- wilgofevillme?"

"Come again?" Pauline asked, raising her eyebrows.

Mario mentally slapped himself. "I... I... I was wondering if... if you'd want to go to the festival with me?"

Something then happened that Mario didn't expect- Pauline turned red as well. "Oh!" she gasped. "Oh... well, Mario, I'd love to-" Mario's heart skyrocketed- "but... someone's already asked me, and... well, I said yes."

And then plummeted down into his shoes. "Oh."

"I really am sorry," Pauline repeated.

"No, no, it's cool," Mario forced a smile, raising his hands. "Your choice, you know- I won't make any trouble over it." A long, uncomfortable silence later, he spoke one last time, asking one other question. "Any point asking who it was? Just out of curiousity?"

"Oh- Kong, Donkey Kong," Pauline answered. "Well... see you later, I guess..."

With that, she turned and left, leaving Mario feeling very stupid in her wake.

XXXX

Mario forgot all about dinner that night, simply heading straight up to the hub. Kong. Donkey smegging Kong. That name was torture to him now. He's started warming up to the large ape. Sure, he'd once beaten him in Smash-Up, but that wasn't his fault, and he'd heard the ape himself acknowledged it. Sure, he was certainly the better-liked contestant by far, who'd been the inspiration for Bowser's propaganda, but he'd never personally rubbed it in Mario's face, and had asked most of the mansion to cease with the buttons. But even so, Mario now found himself wishing he'd let the ape get killed by that Metal Gear. Useless monkey- hadn't he ever heard of evolution?!

Such were the remarkably dark thoughts swirling around his head as he approached Rosalina and offered her the new password- "Green star."

"Come right on in," Rosalina smiled, swinging forward to admit him passage.

Mario stepped through into the hub, to see Link sitting in the corner with Peach at his side.

"Something up?" he asked, heading over.

"No, no... nothing," Link muttered to his kneecaps. "Not like I really wanted to go with her anyways..." While his voice lowered greatly for the next bit, Mario thought he could hear him muttering, "Freaking Sierran..."

"Wait, don't tell me," Mario found the realization dawning on him. "You asked-"

"Yup," Peach nodded before he could even finish. "He asked out Lucina."

"Well, spare no details, what happened?"

"Said she was too flipping busy that night," Link muttered. "I mean, come on, would it really have been that difficult to say that she already had a date?"

"She doesn't," Peach interjected. "She really is doing something else that night."

"What would anyone be doing that night aside from the festival?" Link objected.

Peach's ears turned red. "Well... I don't know... nothing... I guess..."

Link shook his head and turned towards Mario. "So, that's my story, your turn to tell me yours. How did it go with Pauline?"

Mario reeled back like he'd been punched in the stomach. "How did you-"

"How could I not?" Link countered. "Come on, how did it go?"

"Not good," Mario muttered. "She's already going with the Kong."

"Donkey Kong?" Link asked incredulously. Mario silently nodded. "Man, that stinks. You know what this means?"

"No, Link, what does it mean?"

"At this rate, we'll be the only two in Nintendo without a date- except for Luigi, I guess," Link muttered. Suddenly perking up, he said, "Oh, by the way, Mario, guess who Luigi tried to ask- Zelda!"

"Are you for real?" Mario blinked, a slight smile crossing his face.

"Yup," Link chuckled. "He filled me in after Power-Ups class- he asked her a day or two ago, she said she already has someone! Nice try, there, Zelda, but we know you just didn't want to go to the festival with him?" He continued chortling about this one- to Peach's disapproval.

"Oh, stop it, why don't you?" she objected. "Besides, Luigi did get a date- he's going with Malon- you know, from Retro?"

"Wha- really?" Link gasped. Sinking down onto the table, he muttered, "Well, now I'm really depressed."

It was at this juncture that Zelda came in and crossed the room. "Hey, you two!" she greeted them. "Must have missed you at dinner."

"They didn't go," Peach explained. "They both got turned down by girls for the Festival of Trees."

"Thanks, Peach," Link muttered, sinking lower and lower by the second. "Thanks a whole flipping bunch."

"Well, well, well," Zelda smirked. "Looks like the shoe's on the other foot, now, huh? Gandrayda starting to look good yet?"

The smirk fell away from her face when she saw the look Link was giving her- his eyes were wide, and his jaw slack. Mario, Peach, and Zelda alike leaned forward, gazing at him, trying to figure out what was going through his head. Finally, he said, "Zelda... you know, Luigi's right... You are a girl!"

At which all three of them anime fell to the ground. "Really?" Zelda muttered, picking herself back up. "Really? Three and a half years of hanging out with me, and you just now realize that I'm a girl?"

"Oh, Link, you give me so much material to work with," Mario muttered, flipping through his little black book of straight-man quotes. "Let's see... apparently, basic gender biology differences were never on the Faron curriculum."

"Oh, back off, Mario," Link muttered. "I was just saying that, that being the case, Zelda, you could go with me, and-"

"No, I can't," Zelda cut him off.

"Pardon?" Link asked, taken aback.

"I can't go with you," Zelda repeated.

"Come on, Zelda, we're desperate here!" Link objected. "We'll just look stupid if we turn up to the FOT without partners, so you could go with me, and Peach-"

"I can't go with you, Link," Zelda repeated, "because believe it or not, I've already been asked. And I said yes."

"Oh, come on, don't be like that," Link objected. "You only said that to chase off Luigi."

"Did I?" Zelda asked scathingly. "Believe it or not, Link Faron, not everyone failed Kindergarten biology! There are a few people in this mansion that have realized I'm a girl!"

With that, she stormed off, Link staring after her. "She's lying," he muttered. "No one would ever-"

"As a matter of fact, they did," Peach cut in, crossing her arms at her brother. "I was there- someone asked her, and she said yes. Would have been crazy not to, really..."

"Oh, really?" Link asked, turning to her. "Than who was it?"

"If she doesn't want me telling you, I won't," Peach tightened her arms across her chest. "Besides, you'd just make fun of her!"

Link was starting to grumble. "You know what? This is getting ridiculous- Peach, you can go with Mario, and I guess I'll just have to-"

"I can't," Peach cut him off. Mario face faulted again- he'd just been about to speak his approval of this idea- she wasn't Pauline, but the idea of going to the festival with Peach was far from unpleasant.

"You what?" Link asked. "Don't tell me someone's going with you, too?"

"No, they aren't," Peach shook her head, gazing down at the ground and suddenly looking extremely uncomfortable. "But... I've got something else to do that night."

"Oh, come on, you sound like Lucina!" Link objected. "Can't you just turn us down normally?"

"I'm not lying!" Peach objected. "I really do have something else going on!" And before they could question her further, she made her way quickly out of the portrait hole and into the main mansion.

Link shook his head. "What the actual smeg, man?"

Mario, however, wasn't listening- he had just seen Saria Kokiri and Ilia Ordona making their way back into the hub. Throwing caution to the winds, he jumped to his feet and approached them. "Saria! Hey, Saria!"

"Oh, hey, Mario!" Saria greeted him cheerfully. "What's up?"

"Want to come down to the festival with me?"

Saria and Ilia grinned at each other for a second, before turning back to him. "Alright, sounds good! Meet you at half past seven?"

"Awesome," Mario smiled. "And Ilia- maybe you could go with Link?"

"Nope," Ilia shrugged off. "Not that I wouldn't want to, but I'm already going with Steve, from Mycrowsoft."

"Then again, I think Fado's free," Saria mused, her fingers at her chin. "Maybe I could have a talk with her."

"You are goddesses," Mario smiled. "Alright, Christmas Day, half past seven. See ya then!"

And with that, he turned back towards Link. Problem solved, but he still couldn't help feeling that this whole thing was more trouble than it was worth. Here was hoping Link never discovered that the Kokiris' natural skin color was green.

_XXXX_

Wrapping things up here, I have a quick announcement to make. Not a big announcement affecting the course of the story, or anything like that, just that over the next week or so, I'll be making a quiet retcon to my own stories. So far, I've been saying that the president replacing Olimar is Harkinian- but I think I've found someone better. I don't blame myself too much for this one, as I'd never played- or really known much about- this particular game until last Christmas, but I've found someone much better to fit the role. I'm not sure if anyone was even paying attention to a detail that is, for the moment, that minor, but if you have, I just wanted to avoid confusion about it. Harkinian, who has yet to appear, is now being replaced retro-actively with another character that I feel will fit the role of evil president for next story much better. Hopefully, that doesn't bug anyone too much, but if it does, feel free to let me know- please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	28. Live Alive

Gamer4 in. Well, this is likely to be a pretty long chapter, so I'm starting it not long after putting up the last one. I just want to preface this one by noting this chapter's name is not a reference to the mini-series I was writing quite a few months ago, Live Alive, nor is it a nod to the fantastic SNES game Live A Live, which said mini-series was based on. Rather, it is a reference to the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya episode/short story, Live Alive, which, title notwithstanding, has nothing to do with either of the above. The reasons why will become clear as the chapter progresses- for those that have read/seen that particular short story/episode. Either way, hope you enjoy! Let's get going.

Disclaimer: When you're down in the dumps and not ready to deal, decide what it is that you need. Is it money, or love? Is it learning to live, or is it the mouth you must feed?

Chapter XXIII

Live Alive

And so it came to be that stress began setting in on Mario in earnest. His stress prior to the first trial was basically simple jitters or butterflies in the stomach compared to what he was feeling now. With the Festival of Trees looming up ahead, he made the somewhat questionable decision to not do any of the holiday work assigned to him, electing instead to spend the last of his festival-free time having as much fun as he could.

Kirby and Meta Knight, of course, lived like that under any circumstances to begin with, so there was little change for them. It seemed like, released from their mother's watchful eye, they were beginning work on all kinds of joke items that they distributed through the school via various channels, from covert flyers, ads in the bathrooms, (they enlisted help to distribute said flyers in the girls' restroom as well,) and even seeking advertising assistance from the Troubles Center. Seeing people abruptly turning into various other creatures, much as Zelda had a few weeks ago, was becoming such a commonplace occurrence that people were developing a weirdness censor to it- it was just kind of becoming normal. Kirby and Meta mentioned this as an issue to Mario at one point, and went on for a while about their plans to shake things up. Mario added another tally to his list of reasons to never trust anything the Faron twins offered him, which already filled up several large tomes.

Snow began falling thick and fast as the days grew ever shorter and darker. The Sohnee sub was frozen into Lake Delfino- not that they'd been planning on going anywhere to begin with, but even so. Mario shuddered every time he spied it on the grounds- he'd noted it before, but dang, how were they putting up with it? True, Snake was complaining quite a bit lately, but never about the cold on board the Elsa- no, he was actually complaining about the decorations around the mansion- and the food the yoshis were going all out to produce in celebration of the upcoming solstice, something that aggravated Link to no end.

"I mean, it tastes great, don't get me wrong," he was heard to be saying one day, "but haven't these people ever heard of calories? I worked hard to get this physique, I don't want it blown by one Christmas."

"What a winnicot," Link muttered darkly, as they passed by in the foyer. "Don't worry, buddy, all that excess fat is going right to your head."

"Oh, come on, Link, he's not that bad!" Zelda objected.

"Well, you would say that, you're the one going to the Festival with him," Link shot back.

"As a matter of fact, no I'm not," Zelda retorted. Link had been resorting to more and more cunning strategies in his efforts to find out who Zelda was going to the festival with, and Zelda was starting to get tired of it. "I already told you, Link, I'm not going to tell you who it is- you'd just make fun of me."

Link was on the point of responding when the old, familiar unwelcome voice burst out- "Oh, boy, somebody asked that critta to da festival? Must be blind and deaf- only explanation, dogs! Feel sorry for the poor sucka who got roped into going out with that ugly, shrill-voiced witch!"

Mario and Link grimaced and glared daggers at the approaching Bowser, but Zelda kept her cool, looking bright and happy as she called out, "Oh, Mr. Belmont, I had a question about our essay!"

Bowser leapt about five hundred feet in the air, only to curl his snout into a pronounced snarl when he noticed Zelda had been bluffing. Mario and Link laughed along with Zelda as they turned their backs on the Smash Mansion Dark Trio and began heading towards the dining hall.

"But seriously, who is it?" Link brought the old subject back up. "You keep saying you've got somebody, but they're apparently not in Nintendo, Hal, Retro, or Sierra. I'd say that they're from one of the other schools then, but then you insist they're not from Sohnee or-" his voice broke off as he noticed something at the other end of the foyer. "You've got to be flipping kidding me!" he growled as he set off towards the staircase.

Mario and Zelda stared- Riki the bright yellow albatross was flying joyfully through the air to the eager eyes and applause of Saria Kokiri and Ilia Ordona. Tied to his leg was a letter... and Mario felt pretty certain he could identify the sender.

"Freaking moron!" Link raged as he leapt up and caught his bird in one hand, to affronted looks from the aforementioned girls. "You're supposed to deliver the letter to the recipient, not fly around showing off like a winnicot!"

Riki seemed impervious to his angry tone, looking just as bright and happy as ever in the face of his dark expression.

XXXX

Later that day, the Golden Trio convened in the hub to go over Strider's latest communique.

Dear Mario,

Definite props on taking out the Meta Dragon! Me and Epona had to punch the air when we read through that one- don't ask how a bird punches the air, just trust me on that one. The idea I had was to go for its eyes- 9 out of 10 bosses, after all, have weak points in their eyes- but your idea was so much better! I'm sure Jake would have been proud.

That said, however, we can't lower our defenses quite yet- whoever did this is down by one trial, but there are still two left for them to make their move. You're a very brave young man- I trust you to keep yourself safe. Always remember- 708.

Keep me updated on anything strange that happens.

As always, Strider.

"You know," Mario mused as he crumpled up the letter and burned it to ashes in his hands- didn't want anyone else reading it, after all, "there are only so many ways to reword the same thing. How many people are going to tell me to keep erring on the side of caution here? I mean, come on, I know I'm always getting into trouble, but it's not like I'm always walking around blindfolded with big ol' headphones on to drown out any sound."

"Well, they've got a point," Zelda shrugged. "Whoever did this may just want you dead- and the general thing to do when there's someone around who wants you dead is to be cautious. And you know what would be a good way to get started on that?" Mario waited silently, bracing himself for the blow he was certain was about to fall. "You need to get to work on figuring out what that shrieking sphere is all about-"

"Ah, come on, Zelda, he's got two months!" Link objected. A smirk crossing his face, he followed up with, "Oh, by the way, Mario, how about a Chess game? It's been a while since we had a battle of wits on the checkered field..."

Mario senses he was being led into a trap, but gave a tentative nod nonetheless. As Link brightly stood to go get the board, Mario turned his attention towards Zelda, who was crossing her arms and offering a very disapproving look. "Oh, come on, Zelda, it's Christmas Eve. Even if I wanted to work on it right now, I couldn't even hear it over all this smeg-" as he spoke, he motioned to all the excitedly chattering students milling around the hub- "let alone try to divine any meaning."

Zelda reluctantly conceded the point and returned to her open book. Link returned with his chess set and was subsequently punched in the face by Mario, cackling like a madman all the while- he'd brought down 8 queens and challenged Mario to place them all on the board in such a way that none of them were obstructing the paths of the others.*

XXXX

Mario went through a series of false awakenings that night- you know, those weird dreams where you dream that you woke up, only to realize you're still asleep, wake up for real, only to realize that that was a dream too? That said, when he finally did wake up, at first, he thought that the large blue eyes only a few inches away from his own were part of yet another such dream, and thus didn't pay any credence to it until he realized... he could actually feel weight on his stomach. No, this wasn't a dream... this was really happening... which meant... there really was someone crouching down on his stomach in his bed while he was asleep.

"Holy Wave Existence! Holy smeg, get the smeg off me, you smegging smeg!"

He leapt to his feet, the individual upon his chest sent flying, and not a few seconds later, the other boys around the dorm were leaping to their feet as well- Ness, in particular, was hot on his baseball bat. "What is it, what's going on?!"

Mario, however, was calming himself, taking deep breaths in an effort to return his heart rate to normal. "It's fine, it's nothing- it's just Yoshi."

Sure enough, upon adjusting his eyes to the light and taking a good look at the creature who had so recently sat upon his chest, he saw that it was a very off-put looking dinosaur/dragon hybrid, definitely looking very awkward as he fondled the package in his hands. "Yoshi thought Mario said it was okay to come and see him, sir..."

"No, that's fine, it's cool, just... just don't crouch down on me when I'm sleeping like that," Mario muttered, still massaging his chest. "If you really want to wake me up, just prod me on the shoulder or something..."

As the other boys, realizing there was no danger, lowered their power controllers, they subsequently turned their attention to the piles of packages at the feet of their beds. "Alright! Let's see what the Loch Ness Monster is pulling in this year!" Ness whooped as he propped his bat up against his bed and lifted up a package that pretty clearly contained another one.

"Baseball, baseball, baseball," Link shook his head. "Why anyone would prefer that smeg over Smash-Up eludes me."

"Well, I don't fully agree with Link on that one," Mario shrugged, "but why would you want another baseball bat when you already have one?"

"Oh, you don't understand anything, do you, Mario?" Ness shook his head with a smile. "This isn't just any baseball bat- this is a baseball bat signed by the legendary baseball player himself- Hank Aaron! How could I pass something like that up?"

Mario still didn't really see the point, but dropped it nonetheless and turned to the aforementioned yoshi, who still looked nervous. "Can... can Yoshi give Mario his present?"

"Yeah, sure," Mario smiled, trying to indicate that everything was alright. "Hey, now that I think about it, I've got a present for you, too!" As he spoke, he reached into his trunk and pulled out a copy of the Earthbound Player's Guide. It was a bull-crude lie, of course- he'd had that hanging around for a while. It wasn't even his- he thought it was Bill's, but fell into his trunk somewhere along the line. Whatever, not like Bill would miss it- Mario's room was essentially his fat whale of a cousin's garbage can. "I know it's not exactly five-star reading material," he admitted as he handed it over, "and I didn't have time to wrap it, either- but hey, it's something, right?"

"Oh, it is everything!" Yoshi did his familiar tail-chasing dance to express his joy, his eyes lighting up. "A book given by Mario Mario has more importance than the Bible itself!"

Mario turned red, trying to ignore the smirks from the other boys in the room. "Yeah... sure... if you say so."

"Hey, Yoshter!" Link called out, catching the dinosaur/dragon's attention. "If ya don't mind, I've got a book of my own to foist off on ya!"

He pulled out a copy of J. R. R. Tolkien's 'The Hobbit' and tossed it over. Yoshi looked happier than ever before. "Yoshi has heard of the great Tolkien, but never has he been able to read his work! Thank you, Fair One, thank you!"

"It's Faron," Link corrected him, the tips of his pointed ears turning red- though he didn't exactly look displeased. "Besides, this book's not exactly rare, you know? It's not really anything. What I want to know, Mario-" he said as he directed his attention towards the red-clad pyromancer, "is what the heck kind of present you had to do a week's worth of work with the Troubles Center to afford?"

"I couldn't fit it up here, so I just gave you a picture of it," Mario smiled. "It oughtta be somewhere down there."

With this, he turned his attention to Yoshi's present, wrapped up in A Christmas Story wrapping paper, and tore it open revealing- wouldn't you have it- a book. Specifically, The Complete Sherlock Holmes Collection, by Arthur Conan Doyle.

"Yoshi thought that Mario is so interested in mysteries, he would like a book all about them!" Yoshi chirped happily. "Is this present... acceptable?"

"Yeah, it's great!" Mario smiled, placing it on his bedside table. "I'll definitely have to give it a read sometime."

Yoshi's eyes began watering with happiness. "Yoshi is so happy! But now Yoshi must return to the kitchens- there is much work to be done before Christmas dinner can be served! Merry Christmas, Mario Mario!"

As he rushed out, Mario allowed one last glance at the other boys' smirks, muttered, "Shut up, back to your presents," and subsequently turned back to his own.

His first present- just to get it out of the way- was the traditional Present from the Smiths (TM), which consisted of a used tissue. Wow, they were really reaching the bottom of the barrel- they usually had the courtesy to at least make it a handkerchief. How they would top this next year, he didn't know- but he was sure they'd find a way.

The rest of his presents were much better, starting with Zelda's contribution of A History of Intergalactic Smash-Up teams- of Zebes and Xen, a bag of joke items from the Faron twins, and an interesting device called a Bad Key Machine from Roy, which could allegedly open any locked door ever, especially if the normal key didn't work due to being bent. Crazy had sent him a large package containing many of his favorite sweets and candies, from chocolate to Star Bits to pieces of heart and heart containers.** Mrs. Faron, of course, made her usual contribution a handmade sweater (with a picture of a pterodactyl-esque bony dragon- apparently, Midna had given her a blow-by-blow account of the first trial) along with a large pumpkin pie.

Most of that morning and early afternoon was actually pretty enjoyable- Mario and Link met up with Zelda in the hub and spent the time goofing off with other Nintendoes before going out onto the grounds and participating in various snowy activities from snowmen to snowball fights to building a large snow fort just for the heck of it. Then inside to warm up to a superb lunch, and back up to the hub to goof off a bit more. Finally, back out to the grounds for one last snow war between the Golden Trio and the Faron twins (though the Faron twins pointed out that those odds were incredibly unfair... in their own favor,) before Zelda abruptly stood and headed back up to the hub at only 5:00.

"Holy Farore, do you really need three full hours just to get ready?" Link asked incredulously. "And who are you going with!" he called out after her, to her usual response- stonewalling him like a champ.

XXXX

Even the paintings on the walls were celebrating- as was incredibly evident in Rosalina, who was clearly drunk off her butt when Mario and Link petitioned her for entry into the hub. "Yuuurp, dat's da right... *hic!* passsssssssssssvord, alright!" she smiled tipsily at them. Mario and Link turned to exchange bemused looks with each other.

"Um... Rosalina, we haven't actually said anything yet."

"Ahhhhhhhhhh, you two tryin' ta *hic*! trick me, huh?" Rosalina gave a very uncharacteristic giggle. "Ya can't slide anything past this guardian, I'll tell ya that much!"

Ignoring what he thought was a sudden, distant outcry of "WHEEEEEEEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN?!", Mario simply shook his head and muttered, "Yeah, sure, whatever. Wanna let us in now?"

Rosalina didn't raise any further argument as she swung forward to permit them entry. Mario and Link headed up to their dorms to change into their dress clothes- Mario largely indifferent, Link looking like he was marching up to his gallows.

All the boys in the dorm were perusing the mirrors up there for the first time in a while, examining themselves in their dress clothes. The most out-of-place, as one might expect, was Diddy Kong in a classic black tux- even Ness's clothes looked more natural on him, though it was still bizarre to see him wearing fancy clothing in place of his jeans and yellow-and-blue striped polo. Luigi's clothing was much the same as Mario's- basically a tuxedo in green. Link, however, undoubtedly had it worse than anyone, trying to shrink himself to hide inside his ridiculous pink clothing, complete with cravat. "Oh, my, Farore," he muttered, looking uncomfortably into his mirror. "Mario, do me a favor, will you?"

"What's that?"

"At the end of this dance, light up my funeral pyre, a'ight?"

Mario patted him on the back as they began the march down into the hub. "Still don't understand how you two got two of the best looking girls in our year," Diddy muttered.

"That old Faron sexual magnetism, that's how," Link muttered even more darkly. Mario kept on his face of neutrality, while Ness and Luigi determinedly remained silent.

Mario and Link met up with the Kokiri twins just outside the hub (where Rosalina had openly passed out, her face pressed up against the edge of her frame, hair disheveled and crown askew.) They were dressed in identical backless green dresses. "You look beautiful," Mario smiled.

"Thanks," Saria smiled at him. "You don't look half bad yourself."

Fado looked at Link, clearly expecting a similar compliment, but Link seemed pretty distracted. When he finally noticed her gaze, he blinked and fumbled with his words a bit. "Oh, uh... you look very nice, too."

"Yeah... likewise," Fado muttered, looking very unexcitedly at Link's... unique choice of clothing.

"So, has anyone seen Zelda around? You know, just as a... general question?" Link cast his eyes around.

Fado's eyes narrowed. "No, no, I haven't," she muttered darkly.

"Not the time, Link," Mario whispered in his friend's ear, before turning and smiling at Saria. "So, shall we advance to the dance floor?"

As they began making their way down, Mario spied Kumatora climbing down the stairs not far away, dressed in a similar tuxedo, as Meta Knight bounced along happily at her side. As he made eye contact with Mario, he flashed a grin, a point, a click of his tongue.

The foyer was packed with students from all the various schools, milling together and waiting excitedly for the moment that the Dining Hall's doors would be thrust open. Mario spied Snake walking alongside Fiora Uzuki, the Retro Smash-Up captain, who looked amazed at her fortune. Casting his eyes around, he saw Sonic walking as slowly as possible- still pretty brisk- arm-in-arm with a pretty girl he couldn't put a name to, and his teeth gritted as he saw Donkey Kong preparing to dance with Pauline Dama. Wave Existence as his witness, he was never going to get over that... he had to look at something else, quick, something that wouldn't make him feel as bad...

Like Sierra! Yeah, sure, that worked. Sierra was coming up from their hub (situated in the basement of the establishment) and, sure enough, at their lead was Bowser, arm in rather-scaly arm with Maria Sheika. Wario and Ganondorf, meanwhile, were just standing awkwardly off to the side. Maybe it was just his schadenfreude speaking, but it pleased Mario to know that they, at least, hadn't gotten partners.

Glancing out the mansion's front doors, he received a shock- the front lawn was nigh unrecognizable in its current state- hedges had been erected in an almost maze-like fashion, and multiple carriages sat just outside, waiting to be used for... well, honestly, he thought he had a good idea what they were for, but he wasn't about to come out and say it- or think it, rather. We don't want to boost this story's rating by too much.

At long last, Samus opened the doors to the Dining Hall and walked out, calling, "Alright, Console Games contestants to the front, please!"

Saria smiled at Mario, bid her twin farewell (as Mario did the same for Link,) and together, they followed the other contestants and their partners into the Dining Hall, where Samus began ushering them up to the front. Mario was desperately doing everything he could to keep his eyes off of Donkey Kong and Pauline, but staring at Fiora, Snake, and his chiseled abs could only keep him preoccupied for so long, so he instead moved his view along towards Sonic and his... part...ner...

Hold on a second.

Hold on.

Seriously, just one flipping second.

Had he said he didn't recognize the girl Sonic was with, speedwalking just to keep up with her date?

Had he honestly been that oblivious?

Then again, could he really blame himself? Surely, of all the people to potentially be going out with Sonic the motherflipping hedgehog, he would never have suspected that it would be Zelda motherflipping Hyrule!

And yet it seemed to be a fact. Indeed, upon closer inspection, there could be no doubt that the blond girl at the blue anthro's side was none other that his longtime friend, Zelda Hyrule. She was made over so much that she was almost unrecognizable, but it was her, alright.

"Is that... Zelda?" Saria gasped. Mario glanced at her to see her jaw on the floor- and she was far from the only one. Eyes roving around, hardly a single person didn't seem befuddled at this development- from boys who knew her personally or by reputation ogling at how well she cleaned up, to Sonic's fangirl brigade looking as though they wished they could borrow Mario's pyromancy to incinerate Zelda on the spot, and even unto Bowser Dragmire and Maria Sheikah- even they seemed too taken aback to come up with an insult to throw at them. Mario's eyes, however, were searching for someone a little greener- and, somewhat to his consternation, Link was refusing to even look in their direction, much as he was trying to avoid looking at Donkey Kong and Pauline.

As far as the hall went, it was spectacular. Holly and mistletoe was strung across the ceiling, frosty decorations made crossing it somewhat akin to a winter wonderland, and several unique trees designed by staff and students from all three schools were set up every few feet- the way Mario heard it, there was to be a vote on which tree was the best, with the best tree winning a prize. He hadn't entered himself- decoration wasn't exactly his forte- but he made a mental note to keep an eye out for any particularly interesting trees nonetheless.

At the head of the hall, where the staff table typically resided, was a large stage laid out, presumably for the bands who would be playing that night. However, it was currently occupied by a large dining table, along with several others across the floor, presumably for the pre-dance feast.

In the center of the table at the front of the hall were the three headmasters. The Master Hand and Okami Amaterasu were smiling warmly at all the students as they filed in- well, Amaterasu was, the Master Hand didn't have a mouth to begin with, but you get the picture. Similarly, the Master Chief was radiating with disapproval as he glared down at Sonic and Zelda ascending the stage towards the table. His face, as ever, was obscured by his helmet, but the glare was clear nonetheless.

In addition, of course, was M. C. Ballyhoo, laughing and chortling with his unnaturally-large mouth as he bounced around in anticipation of the coming festival. Mario's eyes raked the table for Manfred von Karma, only to realize... he wasn't there. In the chair where he presumably would have been sitting under normal circumstances, there was instead a very familiar robot... a robot that was currently beckoning frantically to him. Mario sighed, but took the hint and guided Saria over to where Rob Faron eagerly awaited him.

"I have been promoted!" the robot declared excitedly without any preamble or normal niceties. If Rob had sounded arrogant before, Mario thought, it was nothing to how he sounded now- from his voice, one would think he'd been voted Lord-President of the entire Galactic Federation. And, just because we seem to say this every time we mention his tone, it was still impressive that he managed it despite remaining completely monotone the whole time. "I am now Mr. von Karma's personal assistant- I'll be representing him for the rest of the games, whenever he finds himself otherwise preoccupied."

"So he's 'otherwise preoccupied' tonight?" Mario asked.

"Oh, I am afraid he isn't well at the moment. He is increasing in age, after all- he is still brilliant, of course, don't get me wrong, but age is the one thing none of us can truly avoid... that, combined with all these strange goings-on lately, doesn't make for the best of working environments for him. The fiasco at the Grand Prix, the intensity of the Console Games so far, combined with his age and being forced to dismiss that yoshi- Barney, or something like that... he is taking a well-deserved break. It is just good for him to know he has a loyal assistant he can rely on at all times."

Mario was burning to ask if von Karma had learned Rob's actual name yet- seriously, it was his biggest temptation all year- but ultimately, he decided against it. Instead, he directed his attention to his plate, which had yet to have any food appear on it, as was traditional at Smash Bros. feasts. He wasn't the only one- everyone seemed a tad confused as to what was going on here... until the Master Hand looked through a menu upon his plate, and said, very clearly, "Yakisoba!"

And no sooner had he said it than a bowl of what, in Mario's opinion, should just be called ramen, though Zelda would disagree... but that wasn't the point! The point was that everyone else began to catch on to how this particular feast was being conducted, and soon enough, food for all was appearing on plates across the hall. Mario, as was typical of him, stuck to his classic spaghetti, while Saria brought up a very vegan meal for herself. Mario glanced over at Zelda to see what she thought of this- as a yoshi's rights activist and all- but, for the moment, she seemed distracted as she listened to Sonic talking.

Oh, boy, was Sonic talking. It occurred to Mario that the occasions he'd actually heard Sonic speak were few and far between, but when he had heard the hedgehog's speech, it was typically filled with bravado and a certain tone of arrogance- none of which he was hearing now. Even in speech, he was firing off roughly 80,000 words a minute, but he sounded very happy and excited as he related his experiences at Mycrowsoft to Zelda.

"I mean, everyone gives it a bad rep, and it's true we have a bit more focus on the Evils than most schools do, but that doesn't mean we're actually being brought up to be evil- it's like that teacher of yours would say- Simon Belmont, or something like that- know your enemy as you know yourself- knowledge is half the battle- so really, learning the complexities of how the Evils work only makes sense in that context, wouldn't you say?"

Zelda was smiling faintly as she made her reply. "I suppose that's a logical way of looking at it."

Sonic, egged on by her agreement, plunged into another spiel. "And another thing I love about it is the view! I mean, you've got some pretty nice views here, don't get me wrong, but out there in space- nothing compares! I mean, it's just fantastic- the scale of everything- you look up in the sky, say, and you can see all these stars- entirely different constellations than what you'd see here on earth- and it just makes you think about how different everything can be with just a little shift in perspective- and that's only during the night! During the day, you can look up and see the sky turning all different shades of red and orange and yellows- it's like a perpetual twilight and sunset, and as much as some people might say that twilight is a bad thing, there's kind of a beauty in it too- and you look up in the sky and see the planets overhead- you just look up there and see Heian, and Galgalia, and Mariposa..."

"HOLD IT!" came a cry from further along the table, drawing a great deal of attention to the Master Chief as a large stamp appeared in front of him. When he spoke, he was clearly straining his voice to not sound furious... but his true feelings came across all too well. "Don't be going and giving away too much information like that, Sonic- at this rate, you might as well get a star chart and point out the exact planet our school is located on!"

"Would that really be so bad?" the Master Hand mused. "All these gag policies surrounding our schools... it's almost like we don't want visitors!"

"We all guard our secrets rather jealously," Amaterasu put her two yen in. "I know I wouldn't want anyone coming to Sohnee to steal away all our secrets- don't you feel the same about the Smash Mansion?"

"Well, perhaps I would," the Master Hand mused, "but the truth is, I think that I have yet to discover even half of this house's secrets myself. For example, I want to tell you this story- the other day, I was floating around the mansion, minding my own business, trying to find a good restroom. I couldn't find one... until opening a door that I swear upon my life had not been there before revealed unto me a large, fine restroom, complete with gold finishing, a fine selection of commodes, and soap shaped like fruit to wash one's hands with- in my size, no less! It was truly extraordinary, a whole bathroom that seemed like it had been built for me- almost like it was a room that shifted to fit my requirements!"

Mario got the sensation that the Hand was currently looking down the table at him. "Room... of requirements!" he repeated. "Room... requirement! Really quite extraordinary! Room... of requirement! And that's all I have to say about that."

Mario glanced over at Saria. They simply shrugged at one another, then returned to their meals.

Meanwhile, Snake was going on about how much better Sohnee was than the Smash Mansion. "If you think this is good, you've clearly never seen Christmas back at Sohnee! That's a real winter wonderland! I mean, this place can't get even the most simple things right- that Boo that's always flying around- if he ever tried to invade Sohnee, he'd be out the door before you could say 'Ghostbusters!'"

He looked at Fiora, awaiting her response- but she seemed somewhat distracted... namely, by his fantastic washboard abs. Finally, she realized he'd been speaking, and jolted up to look at him. "Oh, sorry, what were you talking about?"

Snake sighed. "Excuse me, but I'm up here," he muttered, pointing to his face. Fiora blushed furiously as Snake began to reiterate what he'd been saying.

Mario gazed around the room, and spied Crazy chugging away on his traditional 50 gallons of Mountain Dew. Eventually, he put down his current mug and gave a twitchy, excitable wave down the table, returned by, of all people, Okami Amaterasu, raising a paw in the air and waving down the line back at the gigantic left hand.

Mario would have been happy if that was the whole festival, but, of course, it wasn't. Eventually, everyone had eaten their fill, and the Master Hand stood, clearing the tables aside with a simple wave. He motioned for everyone to dismount the stage, which they did, and from seemingly nowhere appeared a full orchestra- with nobody there to play the instruments. Mario watched them in interest as they began tuning themselves for whatever they were about to play. He didn't even recall that he and Saria would be opening up the dance until she called his attention to her with, "Mario, put your hand on my waist."

"What?" Mario asked, panicking slightly as he spun around. Saria had taken on an unusually serious look.

"Hand... on... my waist," she repeated, pulling him into position. Mario wasn't sure whether to feel happy about this one or not- he sure as heck didn't know how to dance, so her taking the lead was just fine by him, but at the same time, he was starting to feel like a puppet. Which would make Saria the master of puppets, pulling his strings. Sorry, Fabls likes that song.

The contestants and their dates made their way out into the center of the floor, and, abruptly, began to dance as the orchestra kicked things into high gear right off the bat with the dance from Gustav Holst's Brook Green Suite. (If you're not a classical music afficionado, trust us, it's a great song.) The contestants all began dancing furiously to keep up with the quick tempo- or, at least, Snake, Sonic, and Donkey Kong were. Mario only had the slightest clue what he was doing thanks to Saria guiding him around. He shot a death glare at Ness and Diddy when Saria spun him around to briefly face them, and he saw them standing there, Ness with Paula and Diddy with Candy Kong, both doing very little to hide their sniggering at his expense.

As the song segued into a repetition, the rest of the people in the hall began to come out onto the dance floor. Mario could spy Luigi dancing along with a young woman with long red hair and a brooch attached to her chest that looked surprisingly like... Bowser. The Master Hand and Samus were dancing together, quite a sight to see- a normal woman dancing with a giant hand. Even more spectacular, however, was right nearby, where Crazy was dancing with Okami Amaterasu. We'll just leave that one up to your imagination. A tall man in a top hat he recognized as Professor Layton, teacher of archeology, was dancing with Lara Croft, the teacher of archeology at Sohnee. He would have loved to see that meeting. Meanwhile, Simon Belmont came waltzing by, hand-in-hand with Elma Straughn, the Smash Mansion's teacher of humanities, who looked as though she was having second thoughts about this decision.

Eventually, the song ended, but rather than starting up a new one, the instruments began to clear themselves off of the stage, making way for Pikachu to walk up to the microphone and announce: "Pik pika pik pika pikachu! Pika chu chu pikachu pika! Pika pik pika chu chu pika, pika pikachu! Pika pika chu chu chu... pika pika chu!"

For those of you who don't speak pokemon, we will now translate that for you: "Ladies and gentlemen! Have we got a treat for you tonight! For the past few weeks, we've been offering amateur bands a chance to sign up and play at this festival! So, without further adieu, I give you... Hawley and the Smoots!"

Mario turned to the stage, ready to dish out some grade-A snark, but he faltered when he saw the individuals taking the stage. Four young women, one carrying a large bass, two carrying guitars, and the fourth taking her seat behind some drums. The drummer was Maya Fey, from Hal. The bassist was Lucina Mercer. The second guitarist was some girl he didn't recognize, with her hair done up Princess Leia style, dressed in pink, and with a pair of wings coming from her head. However, the one who truly caught his eye was the first guitarist, walking up to the microphone, taking it, examining it, and looking nervously around.

"Is that... Peach Faron?" Saria asked, her eyebrows raising through the roof.

Peach turned her back to everyone else, preparing her guitar. Slowly, she began bobbing her head in 4/4 time. Lucina bobbed along with her, the wing-headed girl twitched said wings, and Maya knocked her drumsticks together. Turning around, she slowly approached the mic and muttered, "God knows..."

And then, music burst forth. The girls up on stage were rocking out, in the truest sense of the word. For about thirty seconds, it was purely instrumental, then Peach stepped in and began singing. "Blazing on by, there's nothing more that I can do... I'm sorry that I'll never be with you again! Even though, my heavy heart is parched with pain, I know somehow, your sorrow's something I won't see..."

As the song continued, everyone who had been previously thrown for a loop began to smile, then smile at each other, then get back into dancing, faster paced than ever before as they attempted to keep up with the band on stage. "God knows that I would follow you if that is what you wanted, take me into all your darkest shadows and you'll see that I'm even stronger than you could know! God knows that I am standing here and you could disappear- slipping right over the edge of the future! If I had my way, we'd be together forever- eternally God-blessed."

Mario was having to move faster than ever before to keep up with Saria, who seemed bound to determine that Peach didn't outpace her. But still, the song was going. "The way you're standing there, I feel as though we're almost one again and yet, we're miles apart in time. Beneath the pale, blue moon, I see your eyes are glistening with so much love! It's tearing you apart to be here! You know it! God knows that I would follow you if that was what you wanted! Take me into all your darkest shadows and you'll see that I'm even stronger than you could know! God knows that I am standing here and you could disappear, slipping right over the edge of the future! If I had my way, we'd be together forever, eternally God-blessed."

The instruments finally began slowing down and coming to the song's conclusion. The crowd below cheered wildly, and Peach looked significantly less nervous as she turned to smile at the other girls in the band. Maya was doing her characteristic clasp-hands-together-and-nod grin, Lucina flashed a small smile and a thumbs-up at her comrades, and the wing-headed girl didn't seem to really notice either way. Peach turned back to the microphone and announced, with much more confidence, "Lost my Music!"

The band started up again, kicking it into high gear. A few seconds later, Peach was singing out, "Looking at the starry sky, I wish that you would be the light shining upon me! How I wonder where you are, right now, and if you are with somebody else!"

Mario, however, had had enough. "Come on, let's take a breather," he muttered to Saria.

"Ah, come on, this sounds like another fun one!" Saria objected.

"Nah, I really need a sit-down," Mario shook his head, speaking truthfully. Saria still didn't sound entirely happy about it, but followed him over to the edge of the dance floor, where Link and Fado were already sitting, Link glaring out at the floor as he consumed a bottle of Diet Squirt, and Fado alternating between looking enviously out at the floor and glaring at her... for want of a better word, date. Mario took a seat at Link's side, and Saria at Fado's. Mario glanced out at the dance floor as he popped open a can of classic Mountain Dew. Roving the dance floor, he saw Meta Knight and Kumatora tearing things up- people were giving them quite a wide berth for fear of getting themselves steamrolled.

"So, how's the dance treating you?" Mario asked of his green-clad friend.

"One surprise after another," Link growled ruefully, eyes fixed on where Zelda was being hopelessly left in the dust by Sonic's fleet feet. As Peach's song continued, Mario found his eyes drawn steadily away from Pauline and up to her. He knew she'd said she was in something of an amateur band, but this was something he'd never expected... and yet he was far from knocking her for it.

Which didn't mean Saria wasn't going to knock him for ignoring her. "Mario? Mario?"

In front of her was a tall young man with long black hair and dressed in a kimono, a katana in a sheath at his side. A Sohnee who was currently asking her to dance.

"Mario, do you mind? Mario? MARIO!"

"Huh?" Mario jolted, looking around. "What's going on?"

"Oh, forget it," Saria muttered, walking away with the young man, who produced a friend of his- a cyborg with wild blond hair and dressed in blue, with jackknives built into his arms- for Fado, who didn't bother asking Link's opinion before tearing out of there fast enough to put the roadrunner to shame.

"I still, I still, I love you! I'm waiting, waiting forever! I still, I still, I love you, and I will see you again!" Peach finished the song with one last note on her guitar. Approaching the mic, she announced, "Sorry, people, that's all we've got for the night." Smiling slightly at the groans and objections to that tidbit, she continued. "Thankfully, though, we've got another awesome group coming up for you guys to enjoy- we give you... the Gavinners!"

As Peach and her band began carrying their instruments offstage, a new band consisting of four young men took their place, led by a boy with blue eyes, blond hair stylishly coming to a ponytail of sorts at his shoulder, dressed in a red coat and with a stylized G pendant around his neck. "Achtung, baby!" he called out in a German accent as he took the mic. "How many of you are ready to rock out?!"

As the hall began to cheer and the Gavinners began to fire up their first song, Zelda came by, taking a seat next to her own comrades. "Is it just me, or is it boiling in here?" she asked, smiling at them.

"It's pretty warm, yeah," Mario concurred. "I never expected Peach to... you know..."

"I know!" Zelda agreed. "She didn't tell me about that, either! Just said she had something else to do tonight, I never expected... something wrong?" she added, catching Link's downcast expression.

"Where's your boyfriend?" he asked scathingly.

"Sonic, you mean?" Zelda asked. "He's getting us some drinks- says he prefers Coca-cola."

"Oh, I bet he does," Link muttered darkly.

"What's that all about?" Zelda asked, giving him an askew glance.

"What, you can't figure it out yourself, Ms. 'I'm-so-freaking-good-with-emotions?'"

Zelda looked at Mario for a helping hand, but he could only raise his arms in an 'I-have-no-idea-either' kind of way.

"Link, either explain it to me or-"

"Your on a date with a student from flipping Mycrowsoft!" Link suddenly burst out. "The enemy of Mario- of the Smash Mansion! You're betraying everything we stand for-"

"What a load of bull honkey!" Zelda cut him off. "I refuse to take that from the person who, ever since they saw him climbing off that halo out there, has thought of nothing else but getting his autograph!"

Link, however, had built up a head of steam- and when a Faron built up a head of steam, no amount of logic was going to even slow them down, let alone stop them. "Let me guess," he asked scathingly. "He asked you out during one of your comfy little library sessions?"

"As a matter of fact, he did," Zelda shot back.

"What was it- you were trying to convince him to join SOYLENT- wanted a Soylent Blue, huh?"

"First off, 'Soylent Blue' is already Ness! Second, as a matter of fact, he came to me! He said that's why he was always coming up to the library, he was interested because I wasn't falling all over him, but it wasn't until that point that he managed to actually ask!" She burned bright red as she said this.

"Well, that's three or four marks on the 'cliche storm' checklist," Mario noted, checking them off in his little black book of story cliches. "Please, do go on."

"Not the time, Mario," Zelda shot at him before turning back to Link.

"Well, that's his story," Link growled. "It's pretty obvious what he's actually up to, innit?"

"Is it?" Zelda asked. "Please, do tell! It's just that, last time I checked, Ness was the one with the mind powers, not you!"

"It's basic logic!" Link shouted back. "He wants to get close to you so he can find out Mario's weaknesses, so, when the next trial comes, he can hit him hard and hit him fast!"

"Objection!" Zelda called out. "First off, he's never, not even once, brought up the subject of Mario! Second, even if he did, I'd never give him any information like that- you know that, right, Mario?"

Mario was on the point of giving a hearty 'yes,' but Link had already changed tactics. "Well, if that's the case, he's probably noticed you're the smartest girl in school- best at Professor Layton games- he wants you to help him solve the puzzle in those orbs!"

"Love of Nayru!" Zelda came very close to cursing. "I would never do that- I want Mario to get through these Games just as much as you do!"

"Then why not flipping act like it?!" Link volleyed back.

"Because this tournament is about International Smashing Cooperation- it's to make and strengthen ties between the schools!"

"That's a load of bull and you know it!" Link continued increasing the volume. "It's about winning!"

Mario, growing increasingly uncomfortable with the attention they were beginning to draw, nudged Link on the shoulder. "Look, Link, it's not a problem. Zelda can go out with Sonic if she wants-"

"Not your fight, Mario!" they both snapped at him. Mario raised his hands and recoiled.

"Why not get back to your little boyfriend- I'm sure he's starting to miss you by now!" Link shouted.

"Maybe I freaking will!" Zelda shouted back.

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

Zelda stormed off, and Mario steadily lowered his face into his hands. "Nice one, Link, very nice one," he muttered into his gloves.

Link angrily leapt to his feet. "We're going for a walk," he growled. "Get some cool air on us."

"Sound a little more suggestive, why don't-" Mario started, only to be cut off when Mario grabbed him by his collar and heaved him to his feet, out of the Dining Hall, and into the hedge maze that was the lawn.

It was, indeed, much more calm out here, and a quiet, serene beauty hung over it all. The burble of water from fountains, the quiet chirping of crickets that apparently hadn't noticed it was winter, and the sounds of dates from the festival making love in the carriages and bushes. Okay, maybe it wasn't entirely serene.

Link was still heaving as they walked, but as the air began to cool them down physically, the relative quiet and serenity began to cool him down mentally as well...

Which was definitely a good thing, considering what happened when Mario had to forcefully grab him and whirl him behind a nearby bush. "What the heck, Mario, what the heck?" Link objected, only to silence as he heard it too- a very unwelcome, growling voice, making its way through the maze. "There's nothing to worry about, John. You're getting upset over absolutely nothing."

Mario and Link exchanged panicked glances- that was clearly Wolf O'Donnells voice. That said, it was somewhat to both boys' surprise that the answering voice belonged to the Master Chief. "Cover up your eyes and ears all you want, Wolf, that won't change what's happening- and you know what's happening just as well as I do. Yes, I am getting concerned- but only a fool wouldn't be."

"No one's forcing you to stay here," Wolf snarled. "There is no contract binding you to this mansion, John- save the one you forge yourself. The gate's right over there, you have your halo... you can just head off-planet right now, find your lonely slice of outer space. I'll even cover up for you. But as far as I'm concerned... I will remain at the Smash Mansion."

Mario and Link shrank into the shadows as the two passed by. When they were sure they were out of earshot, Link finally asked the obvious question: "The smeg was that about?"

"Search me," Mario shrugged. "Come on, let's get going- the more distance between us and them, the better."

They skulked away, keeping as close to the shadows as possible, until they found themselves near a fountain, upon which sat a gigantic white-gloved hand and a white-and-red furred wolf. They were just stretching out on the opposite side of the fountain when they heard something that made their blood run cold- "Da first time iz be seein' y'all, mez be knowin'," Crazy spoke.

"What did you know, Crazy?" Amaterasu asked, her voice full of affection. Mario and Link exchanged remarkably uncomfortable glances- this was definitely not a conversation they should be intruding on. Then again, they were already there- to run at this point might draw attention to them, and throw undue embarrassment onto the two speakers. Desperately, he tried to find something else to focus on- anything- but the most interesting thing that was happening, aside from the conversation, was when a potato perched on top of the fountain slipped and hit him in the head. Angrily, he tossed it to the ground, where it rolled around to eventually rest next to the aforementioned speakers. And he was back to being unable to block them out.

"Wez all be gettin' an... a aura 'bout us... we just... we just knowsies, you knowz? You gets it from your mudda or your fadda?"

Amaterasu sounded pretty taken aback as she responded. "Did I... did I get what from my mother or my father?"

Crazy began to muse. "Mez be gettin' it from me daddies. Same daddies as Nick n' da Matter Hand, but not da same mumz. Daddies get kidnapped one time, hes be forcin' ta have kiddo wit one a' dem... Me mummies not da greatest, hard most people ta even be sayin' her name... Xel'lotath..."

Mario could divine no meaning whatsoever, but at the name 'Xel'lotath,' the air seemed to freeze solid- both from Amaterasu and from Link. But Crazy still continued. "Matty be sayin' dat where my... my crazy comin from, youknowz? But when mez be showin' up on Daddie's doorstep, he no be turnin' me 'ways. He 'sept me, Nick be acceptin' me, n'... n'..."

"And?" Amaterasu prompted gently.

"N' Matty, 'course!" Crazy spoke, though Mario got the sense he'd been intending to say something else. "My daddies tall guy, but pretty small, nex' ta two big ol' hands... mez be six, seven years old, me gets 'noyed, jus' be grabbin' him, set down on da fridge!" He and Amaterasu both laughed at the anecdote, but Crazy turned somber as he began speaking again. "Den... den he be dyin'. Long stories... bad tings happenin' all overs... Nick tell it better dan I can... dey da ones who be savin' me, really... dey da real heroes ofda story... Matta n' Nick... my bruddas from anudda mudda, but dey never be judgin' me for it... dey so good to mez, great people..."

Amaterasu gently placed a paw on the back of the hand, but there was something uncomfortable in her expression, as well. Crazy took a deep breath, then turned to her. "But 'nuff talkin' 'bout mez, huh? What 'bout you? Your mummies or da Dad?"

Amaterasu froze, and Mario thought he noticed a subtle shift in her expression, from calm, gentle, and understanding to very, very guarded. "It... it's cold out here... perhaps I should go back in... my students will be wondering-"

"Waitz! Please be waitin'! Mez neva be seein' anudda one before!"

"Another what?" Amaterasu turned back towards him. "Another _what_, exactly?!"

Mario didn't even know what they were talking about, but he could still have told the hand it was best to just let this question die off... but it was no good.

"Anudda half-ancient!" Crazy cried out. "Mez neva be sensin' anudda half-ancient before!"

Amaterasu burst. "How... how dare you even imply... I'll have you know that I have no ties to the ancients whatsoever! In fact... in fact, I've never even heard of them! Good day, sir!"

"But...but..."

"I said good day!"

Mario felt empathy for Crazy as Amaterasu stalked off, leaving the hand looking clearly lost and confused.

"Come on," Link muttered in Mario's ear.

"Huh?"

"Come on, let's go!"

He pulled him up and began steering him towards the mansion. As they entered, he kept them away from the party, instead steering him into a corner of the foyer. "Did you know?" he finally asked.

"Know what? What the smeg is going on?" Mario asked.

"Did you know that Crazy is half- ancient?"

"Well, to begin with, I have no idea what you mean when you say 'ancient'..."

"Ancients, man, ancients!" Link sounded absolutely befuddled that Mario wasn't on the same page with him. "All those elder gods you hear about in horror stories- Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Mantarok, Lavos, Manus, the Gravemind! Creatures from beyond space and time that have no regard for us little humans!"

"Okay, okay, I get what you're saying, eldritch abominations!" Mario raised his hands. "If that's the case, how have we not all been wiped out by now?"

"Well, just because they are so absurdly different and powerful doesn't mean we can't fight back against them," Link reflected. "There used to be a lot more, but the way I hear it, smashers have largely hunted them to extinction- there are only a handful left. But sometimes, they have kids with humans, like with any mythology, and those humans... well, they tend to be... different."

"Hard to get much more different than Crazy," Mario agreed.

They made their way back to the dance hall, where the Gavinners had been replaced by the Tonzura Brothers, who were usually to be found driving a bus around to pick up stranded smashers and help them get to where they were going- though they ran a band as a side business. Everyone else was rocking out to their music, but Mario felt even less like dancing than he had before- he was honestly very grateful when the music finally came to an end and the Master Hand announced the end of the festival.

Out in the foyer, Mario and Link were hanging around the staircase, waiting for the crowds to dissipate a bit before they attempted the climb. Link was glowering around for Zelda, and when he found her, he got a glower in return. Mario was back to his old policy of trying to keep his eyes on anything that wasn't Donkey Kong or Pauline. Both of them together was right out. Well, so was his attempt, but before the crowds could thin enough, he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Mario! Mario!" came a quiet voice.

He turned to see an ape behind him, dressed solely in a tie with his initials sewn in. "Donkey Kong," he acknowledged curtly.

"Yep, that's me," Donkey smiled, raising his hands and shaking his head from side to side once more. "Listen, I owe you a favor, so I'm here to pay it off."

"How do you mean?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you let me know about the bosses in the first trial, so I figure I'll give you a pro-tip for the second," Donkey Kong smiled. "Listen, the orbs... yours screeches when it opens, right?"

"It does," Mario agreed. "What of it?"

"Well, I'll just say... the prefect's bathroom is probably the best place you could ever have a bath. Nice, big tub... just take your orb and... think things over in the water, huh? Definitely helped to clear my head... of course, you need a password to get in, but as a prefect, I can help you there- you want to go up to the door and whisper, 'Narpa's Sword.' It'll open right up for you."

"Um... thanks... I think," Mario raised an eyebrow.

"Keep it under your hat," Donkey Kong winked. "Right, I need to go say good night to Pauline..."

Mario watched him go, then turned to converse about that odd conversation with Link... only to see that Link wasn't there. "Where'd he go?" he wondered out loud, climbing up the steps, turning that night's events over in his mind.

Take a bath, huh? Take a freaking bath? He had no idea how that could help, but frankly needed any advice he could get at this point. On the other hand, did he really want to accept help from that flipping ape? No, no he didn't, he really, really didn't... but did he have any other choice? But what if it was a joke? Or worse, a trap? Or maybe he was just being paranoid?

Rosalina was still passed out against her frame when he arrived- he had to rap heavily on her canvas to awaken her, and even then, she only just barely woke up enough for him to give her the password, flash him a weary thumbs-up, wish him a happy St. Patrick's day, and swing forward to permit him entry. Once he'd gone through the portrait hole, she managed to keep it together just long enough to shut herself before she passed out again.

How she managed this was anyone's guess, considering the hurricane going on in the hub. There were only two people there- Link and Zelda- but the heat blowing between them rivaled the heat at the center of the earth. "Well, there's a very simple solution to this problem, don't you know?!" Zelda was shouting at the top of her lungs.

"Oh, yeah?! What would that be?!" Link bellowed back.

"Next time, ask me to the dance before someone else does, and not as a last resort!" Zelda shouted, before turning to see Mario standing there. "AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!"

"Oh, I was just-"

"FORGET IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH BOTH OF YOU!" With that, she stormed off up the stairs to the girls' dorm, leaving Link opening and closing his mouth like a fish in her wake.

"Well, that just proves... completely missed the point..."

Mario remained silent. He valued his relationship with Link and Zelda alike- he really did- and thus, his usual strategy in times like these was to remain as neutral as humanly possible. That said, he could still see their arguments for what they were, and even took sides- even if he largely only acknowledged it in his head. Last year, in the great Simba-Oreo debacle, he'd taken Link's side, but this was one situation where he felt he had to take Zelda's.

_XXXX_

*I'm on a Professor Layton binge lately. Funny story- I actually got a copy of the first game, _Curious Village_, back when it first came out, but it was bugged, and for some ungodly reason, I never thought to just return it and get a new one. Years later, for Christmas last year, as a matter of fact, (Christmas of 2015, that is,) somebody got me a fixed copy, and it turns out it is exactly the kind of series I'd have loved to be following all these years! I am legitimately upset about that... but hey, at least I know it now!

**Interestingly enough, _Majora's Mask_ confirms that, in-universe, pieces of heart and heart containers really are candy! What a strange place the video game world is, where eating candy increases the damage one can take before passing out...

Okay, Sorry about the delay... again. I say that a lot, don't I? I've really been looking forward to this chapter, too... but, that said, don't be surprised if there's a bit of a hiatus before the next chapter. A very rough time is coming up, and I'm not sure I'll be willing to write during it. Long story short, my favorite cat, Smokey, is getting very old and very sick, so, this weekend, we're going to... I'm sure you can piece it together from there. I'll still do my best to get you some more content, but I just can't tell if I'll be able or willing to write once that happens. Either way, hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, and are looking forward to the next one. Until then... please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.


	29. The Crazy Hand's Secret

Gamer4 in. Speaking of great games I had yet to play, I found a copy of the DS remake of Chrono Trigger in my family room yesterday. Yeah, seriously, just laying there on one of the shelves in my family room. Incidentally, I mentioned in an earlier chapter (possibly in an earlier story) that my house flooded? My family room was the room that flooded, meaning we had to completely redo it. So where on earth this game came from, Wave Existence alone knows. Not that I'm complaining- it's a fantastic game. Not enough to topple Xeno or Earthbound from their pedestals, granted, but a wonderful game nonetheless. But, uh... if anyone out there is missing a copy of the DS remake of Chrono Trigger... I've got it. Anyways, moving along!

Disclaimer: You know there's a man who will always be candid on questions that do not relate, and the house you live in will never fall down if you pity the stranger who stands at the gate. No, the house you live in will never fall down if you pity the stranger who stands at the gate. Alright, starting something new- if anyone has any suggestions for what other songs we should play here on 'Disclaimer Radio,' let us know, and we'll take them into consideration! If nobody has any other ideas, next time, we'll go ahead and dive into 'Sprint,' the ending theme from Ouran High School Host Club! Trying to mix it up a bit, after two straight Gordon Lightfoot songs, you know? So, after the longest disclaimer I've ever written, let's get started.

Chapter XXIV

The Crazy Hand's Secret

The next day, being, after all, the day after Christmas, was kind of fated to be a lazy day- which it most certainly was. Most students in the mansion didn't get up until past noon. Three exceptions to the rule, however, were Mario, Link, and Zelda, who met up at around 10:30 to discuss the events of the previous night, with an honorary fourth party member in Zelda's pet Meowth Simba, who spent the conversation winding his way around their legs and generally vying for attention, which he finally received as Zelda lifted him up onto her lap and began stroking him gently.

To Mario's immense relief, Link and Zelda weren't falling back into the rift that had so divided them the previous year- in fact, neither of them was mentioning their... kerfuffle the previous night at all. Mario didn't know if they'd made an unspoken agreement behind his back, or what, but he was certainly not going to complain about it. All that said, they opened up that particular December 26th by discussing the information Mario and Link had gleaned about Crazy's parentage.

To their surprise, Zelda seemed to have known in advance. "It's like Crazy was saying," she explained, "ancients- and half-ancients- have a kind of aura about them. I never figured he'd be pure ancient, because those really are complete abominations of nature and science- if I'm going to be frank, even Crazy is too... well, too _normal_ to be pure-blooded ancient."

"And, once again, I find myself wondering if everyone in the smasher world knew about something before I did," Mario muttered.

"Even so, I never really bothered myself about it," Zelda continued. "I mean, all this hubbub about the ancients, everyone always bringing up Poe, King, and Lovecraft... well, come on! I know they're about as far removed from humanity as possible, but that doesn't mean they're bad, right? I mean, considering how many ancients there are, and have been, there have to be at least one or two decent ones, right?"

Link facepalmed at this line, but made sure to hold it back until Zelda wasn't looking.

From there, the conversation turned to a topic that made Mario's blood run cold- holiday homework. Zelda, being who she was, was almost done. Link and Mario... not so much. They had both fallen into that age-old trap of 'Ah, it can wait until Christmas.' Now that Christmas had come and gone, however, the end of winter break suddenly seemed a lot closer, especially in Mario's case.

Yup, we're talking about the looming second trial. Somehow, with Christmas over and done with, 'two months' was starting to seem less like 'two months' and more like 'two minutes,' and he had yet to even start on deciphering his orb. Finally heeding Zelda's warnings, he'd started spending most of his free time up in the dorm, listening to the screeching, whining noise from the sphere, doing everything he could to make sense of it. He'd applied every tactic Professor Layton had ever taught him, thinking about the various things it could mean, approaching it from every angle he could conceive of, looking for block puzzles around the edge... nothing worked. So far, the nearest thing he'd heard to that noise was Bill during the ill-fated month or so his cousin had got it into his head to join the school choir.

The hint he'd received from Donkey Kong- without having to spend a hint coin, no less- was, indeed, weighing on his mind... but he couldn't. He simply couldn't. Donkey Kong was currently his least favorite smasher in the mansion- well, maybe not _quite_ as bad as the Dark Trio, but at least a contender. Heck if he was going to use any advice that ape had given him as anything other than a last resort. He tried justifying it to himself- if the Kong had really wanted to be helpful, he'd have told him exactly what to do, instead of offering half-baked hints less helpful that hints on a Professor Layton chess puzzle. (You know, those ones where they just give you trivia about chess instead of anything remotely helpful to the puzzle itself... sorry, I'm projecting.) After all, his hint to Donkey Kong had been to tell him, to the best of his knowledge, _exactly_ what the first trial would entail. If that ape thought that giving him such a vague, unhelpful hint was a fair exchange, he could do without it. For now, at least. For now, he thought it was a better use of his time to record the sphere's noise on his cell phone and reverse it. Yeah, maybe that would help.

Spoilers: it didn't.

XXXX

Mario wasn't looking forward to Smashing creatures class. He really wasn't. It was a cold, dark day, snow still thick on the ground... it seemed beautiful before, but now it seemed threatening. The thought of being chased through snow like this by the ultimate chimaeras...

However, he received something of a shock upon finally arriving outside Crazy's cabin- Crazy wasn't there. In his place was a woman with short, black hair, dressed in full armor (well, sans helmet, as you could probably tell based on us describing her hair color) and carrying a lance. "Come on, people, let's move it! Hustle!" she was barking as the bell rang behind them.

"The heck are you? Where's Crazy?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow at this mysterious person.

"I am Kjelle Sheh," the woman answered curtly. "I will be your Smashing Creatures teacher while Mr. Hand is unavailable."

"Yeah, but where is 'Mr. Hand?'" Mario repeated.

Kjelle eyed him for a moment, then simply said, "Unavailable."

Mario was on the point of snarking her out for that unhelpful response, but was distracted by a loud chortling nearby. In possession of a horrible feeling that he recognized that laughter, he turned to see Bowser, Ganondorf and Wario guffawing over that morning's issue of the Fourside Tribune. "Looks like _someone's_ not surprised to see a new teacher," Link noted darkly.

"Okay, is everyone here?" Kjelle called out, eyeing the class and taking a mental role call. "Looks like it... alright, everyone follow me!"

Mario glanced at Crazy's cabin- all the windows were shut tight, the blinds drawn. This wasn't something that ever happened without serious crud going down- last time it had happened, Crazy was in a deep depression over Epona's pending execution. Turning to Kjelle, he jogged up until he was walking alongside her. "What happened to Crazy?"

"Irrelevant," Kjelle answered shortly and curtly.

"To you, maybe," Mario shot back, "but he happens to be a good friend of mine. What's wrong with him?"

For a moment, Mario thought he saw anger flash across her eyes, then, just as swiftly, a hint of what seemed to be pity. Both emotions were gone so quickly he wasn't sure if they'd ever actually been there to begin with. "I don't know what's wrong with him," she answered at long last. "The Master Hand came to me and asked if I'd like a position as a substitute teacher for a while. That's all I know."

Mario, sensing the truth in her words, pulled back.

Eventually, they pulled into the very clearing in the Lost Woods where, one year earlier, Crazy had introduced his first class to Epona the Loftwing. Her place was currently being taken by a pure-white horse, with a small horn protruding from its forehead, and carrying a magnificent mane and tail of flames. It turned to eye the oncoming pupils with close scrutiny. Kjelle raised a hand, bringing everyone to a halt. "Boys keep back!" she ordered. "Rapidashes get very uncomfortable around members of the male persuasion!"

Mario blinked as his eyes raked over where Lucina and Robin (female) were patting Waluigi on the back as they stepped forward towards the horse. "Well," he muttered, "I don't know which is more sexist- the horse, or the teacher for picking an animal that only girls can approach."

"Would you rather never learn about them?" Kjelle heard and countered.

"Not necessarily," Mario shrugged, "but there has to be a way to learn about them without excluding anyone with dangly parts."

Kjelle opened and closed her mouth, dumbfounded, for a moment, before getting distracted by Robin, who had unexpectedly turned male again. "Ah-ah-ah-ah-AH! I said, _no boys around the Rapidash!_"

Shaking his head at the proceedings, Mario turned towards something he felt was slightly more important than anything Kjelle could be teaching them- sexist or otherwise. The Dark Trio, still standing there and chuckling over the paper. "The smeg's up with you?"

"Oh, just sharing a laugh over that stupid hand," Bowser laughed. "Wondering how ashamed he must be to not even show his face!"

"He doesn't have a face," Mario pointed out.

Bowser's mouth hung open for a moment, then he simply sighed and brandished the paper at them. "Just read the stupid article."

Mario and Link obliged.

A MISTAKE SEVERAL ETERNITIES IN THE MAKING

While the Master Hand of Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing has never exactly been known for his sound judgement, (writes Glados Johnson,) there have been several acts of his that have cast a legitimate shadow onto those who continue sending their children to be in his care. Take, for example, the hiring of Simon Belmont as the newest Protection from the Evils teacher. Who can tell what sort of paranoia this ex-hunter is working even now to instill in the youths of the next generation?

The Hand's most recent mistake, however, dwarfs several of his previous errors by a large margin. Crazy M. Hand never received his full education- he was expelled partway through his third year on suspicion of crimes to heinous to mention. Nonetheless, his brotherly connections through the famed Master Hand ensured that he would return to the mansion not long after to fill the post of wildlife manager. These facts would have been controversial enough on their own, but this year, the Master Hand utilized his power as the school's headmaster to secure his half-brother a job as the teacher of Smashing Creatures.

If placing an ex-convict who never completed his education at the head of a group of minors seems like a questionable decision... it is. It did not take long for horror stories to emerge from the class, tales of students being maimed for their dissenting viewpoints with the unstable disembodied limb. Take the account of one Bowser Dragmire, student at the Smash Mansion and covert reporter to the Tribune.

"That dog sicced a giant chicken on me last year, and not long after, he had a caterpile chasin' after my bro, Wario! He runs the whole thing with an iron fist- everyone's too scared to come out and say it, 'cause they think they might be his next target!"

And while we of the Fourside Tribune laud this poor turtle's courage in finally coming out, a look beneath the surface of this issue has brought even more troubling facts to light.

For years, the Crazy Hand has stood by his claim of being a pure-blooded smasher. Of course, his status as the Master Hand's half-brother always meant he was a bastard child, but enough digging into his past reveals that his mother was not only not married to his father, but was not even human.

His mother was, in fact, the dreaded ancient Xel'lotath, known as the goddess of insanity, whose current whereabouts are unknown. Known throughout the world as bloodthirsty brutes inconsiderate of any beyond their own species, the ancients were staunch supporters of the Starmen and the Great Darkness during the Great Smasher War of fourteen years ago. Xel'lotath, in particular, was something of a major for the Starmen's ancient division, acting as a go-between for the two factions, and directing her followers on several campaigns of terror, particularly against Rhode Island.

While many ancients fell at the hands of hunters, or due to their own infighting, Xel'lotath is one of the few to escape without receiving any repercussions at all. Her legacy, however, lives on in her bastard son, a rape child conceived during a foul ritual by Xel'lotath's followers, and now a teacher of our children at Smash Bros. School.

Within this narrative is a trace of irony- irony that Mario Mario, symbol of hope to many in the smasher world, has formed a strong bond of friendship with this creature. In all likelihood, he is unaware of his comrade's true nature, but one can only hope he learns the truth before it is too late.

Mario and Link looked up at each other- the teapot whistle coming, on this occasion, from them both. Of course, the question of how Glados could have discovered any of this hung over their heads, but at the moment, they had more urgent things to discuss, beginning with Link turning to Bowser and bursting out, "The hell do you mean, we all hate Crazy, you waste of DNA?! It was your own fault Epona scratched you, and as for Wario getting attacked by a caterpile- what a load of BS! Caterpiles are the most non-aggressive creatures on the planet- they literally have no way of attacking anything else!"

Bowser seemed delighted by their reaction. "Well, I failed last year, but this time, that moron's had it for sure! Half-ancient... and here, I was thinking he had no excuse for being such a moron! I just wish I could see the letters the Master Hand's gettin'..."

Mario was on the point of lighting up the whole forest when Kjelle noticed they weren't taking notes on their female comrades' actions and came over to berate them. Once more, Mario would have snarked at the blatant sexism, but at the moment, it was all he could do to keep from incinerating the paper in his hands- he wanted to show it to Zelda, after all. After a moment, Link, foreseeing this danger, took the paper from him, leaving Mario free to vent by shooting a stream of fire at Bowser's behind.

XXXX

He was still shaking, in fact, as they set off up the hill back to the mansion. He was on the verge of punching Saria Kokiri in the face when he heard her happily proclaim, "Now _that_ is a real Smashing Creatures teacher. Here's hoping she stays!"

Mario couldn't bring himself to say the real reason he was so angry, so he settled for a lesser one. "Yeah, such a great class, where half the students need to stay back and watch the other half learning things."

"Oh, you're just upset that you had to take notes and we didn't!" Saria smirked. Under normal circumstances, she probably wouldn't have been as nasty about it, but the gongshow that was the Festival of Trees seemed to still be weighing on her.

Mario and Link thusly turned to Zelda, who was coming up behind them. "Hey, guys!" she panted, having sprinted a bit to catch up. "Too bad Crazy couldn't turn up, but I can't say I didn't enjoy that lesson- I didn't know half the things about-"

"Kjelle later, this now," Mario muttered gruffly, thrusting the paper under Zelda's nose. She took a minute or two to read it, then gasped.

"But... but how?" she stared at the page in horror. "How could she possibly have found out? What, did Crazy tell her?"

"_Hell_ no," Link shook his head. "He never told us, did he? If he didn't tell us, there's no way he'd tell some sleazy reporter from the Tribune..."

"Then... then..." Zelda trembled as she fought to think of another explanation. "She must have heard him telling Amaterasu at the FOT!"

"Can't have," Mario shook his head as well. "You've seen how big she is, we'd have noticed. I'd be ashamed of us if we somehow missed her, and even if we did, Crazy or Ammy certainly wouldn't have."

"Besides, the Master Hand banned her from the Smash Mansion," Link put in. "Remember, Crazy pointed it out when she stopped by to interview him? Only reason he didn't turn her in was because she distracted him with the ultimate chimaeras."

"Then... then..." Zelda raised her fists and rubbed her forehead. "Oh, it makes no _sense!_"

"Preaching to the choir on that one," Mario muttered. "Look... we need to go and see him. He's got to be hurting right now, we need to go and see him, tell him that we don't give two smegs about who his mother was, we only care about him right now, we really want him back... _right?_" He directed this last at Zelda.

"Well, I won't say that it didn't make a nice change of pace, having a legitimate Smashing Creatures class..." Zelda muttered.

"_Where half the class just sat and watched the other half?!_"

"Of course!" Zelda squeaked, frightened by Mario's sudden onslaught of fire. "Of course I want him back!"

XXXX

And so it came to be that the post-dinner hours saw the Golden Trio descending the hill to Crazy's cabin. The moment they came within a four-meter radius of it, they could hear Zoey, Crazy's loyal pet dog, barking and scratching at the door, but the Hand himself did not appear. Mario, undeterred, marched right up to the door and knocked. "Come on, Crazy, open up, it's us!"

No answer. Well, that's _technically_ not true- Zoey's barking and scratching became even fiercer- but aside from that, nothing.

"Why?" Link growled as they plowed back through the snow up to the mansion. "Why stonewall _us?_ Surely he doesn't think _we _care?"

Well, apparently, he did. After stonewalling them for ten minutes that night, the following week played out in much the same fashion. The whole time, they never once caught a glimpse of him. Kjelle Sheh took his place at the staff tables during meals and during classes. Her subsequent classes weren't as overtly sexist, but she persisted in showing subtle favoritism towards the female members of the class, which would have annoyed Mario if it weren't for Bowser thoroughly eclipsing it by gloating at every possible opportunity.

"What a big, bubble-blowing baby," he rubbed it in during one power-ups class, his ultimate safe refuge.

"Says the guy who got incapacitated for two months by a little scratch," Mario muttered darkly.

XXXX

When the next Kurain trip rolled around, Mario stunned Zelda by informing her of his intentions to go. "Really?" she stared at him. "Right now? When you still haven't pieced together what the orb is trying to say?"

"Okay, well, first off, I need a freaking break," Mario sighed. "Second- I'm actually pretty close to putting it together."

"Really?" Zelda asked skeptically.

"Yeah," Mario shrugged. "I'm not quite exactly on the money, but I'm feeling pretty confident. It's that part of the puzzle where it feels like all the pieces are coming together..."

Zelda smiled. "Alright, then! See? I told you all that Professor Layton would pay off eventually!"

Which made Mario feel incredibly guilty- his statement about the orb was a bald-faced lie. He was still grinding away his picarats trying to figure out what that thing was really trying to communicate. However, he felt that his first point, about needing a break, held enough truth in it for both points- or at least, that's how he justified it in his head. After all the BS he was going through during Smashing Creatures classes, he freaking needed a break.

XXXX

In addition to the above, he had another ulterior motive- he was hoping to run into Crazy and say something that might convince him to return. However, his hopes began to decline as they wandered through the village without seeing him even once. Starting to feel downhearted, he suggested the last place they had to check, and a decent ending spot if Crazy still failed to appear- the Colony 6 Grill and Bar. Sure enough, despite the typical crowds in said establishment, there wasn't a giant left hand to be seen. It was with a relatively heavy heart that he placed his order with Sharla as she passed by. She seemed like she wanted to have a quick chat with him, but one look at his face seemed to be enough to dissuade her.

Zelda rapped her fingers on the table as they waited for Sharla to bring them their usual drinks, only to give an exasperated sigh. "What do they pay that guy for, anyways?" In answer to the questioning looks Mario and Link threw her at this statement, she simply pointed behind them.

Mario turned to see M. C. Ballyhoo behind them, in deep conversation with a group of goombas. Huh. Yeah, it was pretty weird that he was down here instead of back at the Government... there was nothing related to the Console Games going on today, and yet, here he was...

Looking closer, Mario could see that he wasn't looking like his cheerful self, either- of course, the only part of his body that was visible, as ever, was his gaping maw of a mouth, but based on just his body language, he seemed very stressed.

...Until he turned and spied Mario sitting a few tables away. His grin returned, full force, and he leapt up, propellor emerging from his hat, and began whirring over. When the goombas leapt up and began crying foul, he waved them off. "Just a moment, just a moment! Something's come up, I just need to take care of it real quick..."

Mario had just enough time to exchange confused looks with Mario and Link before Ballyhoo landed in front of him. "Hey, Mario, how's it going? I've actually been hoping to run into you! Mind if I have a quick word?" Briefly, his eyes flicked towards Link and Zelda. "Alone?"

"Yeah, alright," Mario shrugged, standing up. Link and Zelda made motions as if to stop him, but he waved them aside. "It's alright, guys, I'll be right back."

Slowly, they sat down, still looking somewhat dubious as Ballyhoo lead Mario to a more secluded corner of the restaurant. Turning to Mario, the first thing he said was, "Well, to begin with, I wanted to congratulate you on your performance against old Ridley. Inspiration, truly, it was."

Mario didn't say anything. That wasn't it- that wasn't why Ballyhoo had approached him. If it was, it would have been fine to say so in front of his friends. Ballyhoo, on the other hand, seemed content to be beating around the bush. Mario hung back, allowing him to move at his own pace towards whatever point he was trying to make. As he did, he spied the goombas out of the corner of his eye, narrowing their own eyes at them as they sat in the corner. Ballyhoo, noticing his gaze, elaborated. "Von Karma."

"Huh?" Mario asked, turning his attention back to Ballyhoo.

"The goombas," Ballyhoo explained. "They were hoping I could point them towards Manfred von Karma."

"In Kurain Village?" Mario asked, surprised. "Wouldn't the Government be a more natural place to start looking?"

"You'd think," Ballyhoo agreed, "but he... *sigh,* he's not there. Hasn't been for a while."

"Come again?" Mario raised his eyebrows.

"Old Manny stopped coming to work a while back," Ballyhoo repeated. "His assistant, that robot, has been filling in for him. Says he gets his instructions from Manny by albatross, says the old man's too sick to come into work. Keep it under your hat, though, a'ight? Don't want Glados, say, getting hold of that tidbit- Wave Existence knows what she'd make of that. Probably say he's gone missing, like Adrian Andrews."

"Speaking of Adrian Andrews, has she turned up yet?" Mario asked.

Ballyhoo started looking very uncomfortable. "No, no she hasn't. I launched an investigation a month or so ago-" (to which the only thing Mario could think was, _About flipping time,_) "-and it's shaping up to be a very strange case indeed. According to her family, she definitely turned up and spent a week or so with them in Freiburg, before heading out to spend the last of her vacation in Berlin, but... that's the last anyone seems to have heard of her. But..." Here, Ballyhoo let loose with a lighthearted chuckle. "What are we doing, sitting around and talking about Adrian Andrews's vacation plans? What I really want to know, Mario, is... how you doin' with that orb of yours?"

"The orb?" Mario asked, thrown slightly by the abrupt change of subject. "Um... well... you know... pretty good." He failed to put up his hands in the traditional gesture, which may have clued Ballyhoo in to his lie.

"Look, Mario," Ballyhoo said, putting an arm around him like he was his uncle, "I know you're used to doing this whole 'lone gunslinger' thing, but it's really not necessary." Unwittingly, he was bringing up a lot of memories that Mario would just as soon forget. "People really got inspired by seeing the underdog take down that dragon so gracefully, and if I can help something like that happen again... well, don't hesitate to ask, okay?"

Mario's eyebrows raised. He personally liked Ballyhoo quite a bit, in his own way- he was a very likeable person who hadn't really done anything in particular to earn his ire- but this... "Aren't we supposed to work out the clue on our own?"

"Well, yeah, technically," Ballyhoo shrugged, "but don't we all want to see the Smash Bros. come out on top?"

"First off," Mario thought out loud, "I think Mycrowsoft and Sohnee's supporters would disagree. Second- have you offered Donkey Kong help?"

"Well, no," Ballyhoo shrugged, "but the thing is... he's not quite as much of an underdog, you see... if he comes out triumphant, it's not quite as inspiring a story..."

"Well, I appreciate it, Mr. Ballyhoo, but no thanks," Mario shook his head. "I think I'm good to go. I've got that clue in the bag."

With that, he turned and headed off back towards Link and Zelda before Ballyhoo could say anything else. "Alright, well, I guess... I've got... things to do... good talk, Mario," Ballyhoo faltered as he realized the pyromancer was already out of earshot.

"Hey, man, don't be blue! The Faron twins are here to entertain you!" came a taunting voice from behind him. He turned to see Kirby and Meta Knight standing there, bright smiles on their faces. "So, how's about we buy you a drink?"

"Oh, no, my boys, I really, really..."

"Ah, come on!" Kirby chirped happily, grabbing one of his arms.

"We insist!" Meta agreed, grabbing his other as they began to walk him to a nearby empty table.

Mario, meanwhile, returned to his friends. In all honesty, he didn't know why he'd turned down Ballyhoo's help- he sure as heck needed it- but... well, it felt like cheating. Yeah, he knew, he'd already sought plenty of help from people who, if we're going by the rules, really shouldn't have given it, but help from Crazy, Link, Zelda or Roy just didn't seem as bad by comparison as receiving help from one of the people actually running the Games.

"So, what was he after?" Link asked. Mario explained.

"Well, that's not right," Zelda frowned. "He's one of the judges- what right does he have to go around favoring the contestants? Is he at least helping out Donkey Kong too?"

"Nope," Mario shook his head. "Something about my story being more inspiring."

Zelda, still looking exasperated, turned her eyes towards the goombas. "And the goombas over there?"

"Apparently, they want to talk to von Karma."

"Von Karma?" Zelda asked. "Why him? He takes care of business between smashers of different nationalities- goombas aren't really part of the equation."

"Maybe they need an interpreter?" Mario recalled Rob's praise of the old man during Summer. "He speaks a bunch of different languages, doesn't he?"

Link smirked. "Ah, Zelda, you're so cute when you're worrying about the poor goombas. So, tell us, what's the name of your movement for goomba's rights? M.A.T.R.I.X.? A.T.L.A.S.S.H.R.U.G.G.E.D.? H.U.N.G.E.R.G.A.M.E.S.?"

"Hardy hardy har," Zelda muttered. "Goombas don't need smashers backing them up, Link. Haven't you been paying attention in Professor Andonuts's classes?"

"Zelda, the answer to that question should go without saying," Link muttered, clasping his hands and tapping his forehead with them. "If any information that we're supposed to already know comes from Professor flipping Andonuts, just go ahead and assume we don't know it."

"Alright," Zelda muttered. "Anyways, goombas are very, very capable of dealing with smashers on their own. It's only yoshis that never bother to stand up for themselves."

"Oh, holy Wave Existence, here we go," Mario muttered, looking up. Link and Zelda both spun around to see Glados hovering into the restaurant, Wheatley bouncing around at her side. They took seats nearby to the Golden Trio, ordered their drinks when Sharla came around, and then Glados began a monologue.

"Well, moron, if you ask me, it sounds like that Ballyhoo is trying to hide something. Shady dealings with goombas behind closed doors... who knows what terrible things he's plotting? I can see the headline now- _Ex-head of Smashing Games and Sports Linked to Goomba Terrorist Cell._ "

Mario's rage broke. "Oh, finding someone else to screw over for a change, are you?" he burst out, turning on her.

"Oh, if it isn't Mario Mario," Glados spoke cooly, turning to face him. "Why not come over to our table, have a little talk about-"

"I wouldn't touch you with a 39-and-a-half foot pole!" Mario objected. "Given the choice between you and a seasick crocodile, I'd take the seasick crocodile!"

Also, she really is a heel, cuddly as a cactus and as charming as an eel, right?

"Shut up!" Mario shouted at the narrator.

But some people out there might not catch what we're referencing! You know, how her heart's an empty hole, her brain is full of spiders, she has garlic in her-*

The narrator faltered as a fireball careened past him, and Mario turned back towards Glados. "Now that we have that winnicot out of the way... why'd you do that to Crazy, huh?! The _smeg_ could he have _possibly_ done to _you?!_"

The restaurant was falling silent. Sharla was looking on with the slightest of scowls on her face. Glados, however, recovered remarkably fast. "If you are so averse to my version of events, Mario, how about offering your own perspective- would you describe the Crazy Hand _you_ know? How do you look at him- a friend? Father figure, perhaps?"

Zelda leapt to her feet, rage coursing through every cell in her body. "You wretched, pathetic waste of metal!" she shouted. "You'll do anything to sell your cruddy stories, won't you?! Anyone, anybody will do, as long as you can completely defile them! Even Ballyhoo-"

Glados interrupted, still speaking as cooly as ever. "Do not talk about things you don't understand, young woman. Ballyhoo has a long, sordid past that you couldn't begin to comprehend even if it was spelled out for your subpar intellect-"

She was interrupted by Sharla coming over and intervening. Glaring down at Glados, she demanded, "Get out of my restaurant. Now. And I never want to see you here again."

Everyone stared as Glados slowly rose from her seat, said, "Very well. And good luck in all your... _future endeavors,_" before floating out, Wheatley close behind.

"Sorry about that, Mario- hey, where are you going?" Sharla asked as she turned back to him.

"We have things to take care of, right now," Zelda muttered fiercely. "Thanks for the soda, but we have to go."

"I'm just following her," Mario shrugged, following her as she tore out of the bar, leaving money for their drinks behind.

Outside, Zelda turned into Sheik, her ninja alter ego, and began tearing up the road outside. It was all Mario and Link could do to keep up with her, let alone question her, but Link made an effort anyways. "Zelda- the- heck-do you think- you're doing? Getting- Glados- mad- like that!" he panted out.

"I don't care what she has to say about me!" Sheik raged, plowing forward with ever increasing determination. "She's a terrible person who gets off on ruining other peoples' lives! Mario, Crazy, Ballyhoo, anyone will do for her!"

"But now she's going to set her sights on _you!_" Link objected.

"She can try to blacklist me all she flipping wants!" Sheik continued to rage. "I'm not afraid! Come at me, sis!"

Mario and Link exchanged befuddled looks with each other before redoubling their efforts to keep up with Sheik. "So... any point... in asking... where we're going?" Mario gasped.

"CRAZY'S!" Sheik burst out. "He is _not_ hiding anymore! I won't let him! That overgrown schoolyard bully should _never_ have gotten to him!"

Finally, Crazy's cabin appeared over the horizon. Sheik stormed right up to it and pounded the door with a barrage of punches. "CRAZY M. HAND, YOU GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW! WE DON'T GIVE A _F##%_ THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS AN ANCIENT, AND YOU SHOULDN'T EITHER! DO YOU REALLY THINK ANYONE WITH A FUNCTIONAL BRAIN REALLY CARES WHAT THAT B***** HAS TO SAY?! NOW GET OUT HERE AND TALK TO US, ALREADY!"

The door creaked open, and Sheik angrily growled, "About flipping ti-" only to cut herself off and shrink into her ninja clothing when she realized the person she'd been about to curse out wasn't Crazy, but the Master Hand. "Oh."

"It's a bright afternoon, isn't it?" the Master Hand commented, gazing up at the bright, blue sky- matched only by the blue light surrounding Sheik as he morphed back into Zelda.

"We... we wanted to talk to Crazy," Zelda said in the smallest voice Mario and Link had ever heard from her.

"Funnily enough, I'd guessed as much." To Zelda's relief, the Master Hand sounded more amused than angry. "Come in, come in."

At long last, the three of them entered Crazy's cabin, where Zoey wasted no time in leaping up on them and drowning them with her saliva. "Sorry... about the things I said... Mr. Hand..." Zelda whispered.

"As far as I knew, those things were said by an entirely different student, Sheik. However, he seems to have disappeared while I was looking up at the sky- you need not cover up for him, Ms. Hyrule," the Master Hand said with a smile in his voice.

Zelda still looked off-put, but Mario had eyes only for the left hand- slumped in a sofa, a gigantic half-full mug of black coffee. He looked as depressed as ever a hand did, and Mario didn't know even where to begin.

The Master Hand took the initiative. "Soda, anyone?" he suggested. "Crazy's better at preparing it, I'll readily admit, but I like to think I have at least some skill in the art."

As he rose up and began the preparations, he spoke up again. "Despite Sheik's mysterious disappearance, I do hope you heard what he had to say beforehand, Crazy. Given their efforts to break and enter your home, it seems these three would still like to be your friend."

"Of course we would!" Mario agreed wholeheartedly. "You've been our friend for three and a half years, Crazy, and nothing that b**** has to say about it-" he froze and slowly turned towards their headmaster.

The Master Hand, however, called out, "What did you say, Mario? I couldn't hear you over the sound of this sink!"

Staring, Mario noted, "The sink's not on."

A moment later, the sink began running at full force. "Sorry, Mario, I can't hear you, the water's too loud!"

Shaking his head, Mario turned to Crazy. "Like I was saying... we don't care what Glados says about you- you're our friend, and nothing will change that!"

"And if you needed more evidence of what I've been saying all this time... I present you with it," the Master Hand said warmly, turning to his half-brother from the (still-running) sink. "All the letters, Crazy... I have been swamped in letters ever since the article appeared, all making it clear in no uncertain terms that if I so much as penalized you over this, let alone fired you, they would be at my office with a sawed-off shotgun not long after to... how does Simon put it?... 'Gank' me."

"Not... not all of them, though," Crazy whispered, and Mario cringed to hear him speaking normally. "Not all of them want me working here..."

"Well, if you're holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you may never come out of this cabin," the Master Hand pointed out. "Remember when that story ran in the paper about Phoenix using forged evidence in that trial for Will Powers? All the evidence said that it was legitimate evidence, everything said Phoenix was in the right, but people were still getting on him for it? What did he do- lock himself away in our house and refuse to speak to anyone? No! He persevered, going on to defend other innocent people, always staying true to himself-"

"But... but he didn't have any ancient parents..."

"Oh, come on!" Mario objected. "Like blood really matters all that much! I mean, look at _my_ family! The Smiths! The people that _Xel'lotath_ would look at and say, 'wow, those guys are kind of winnicots!'"

"An excellent point," the Master Hand agreed. "If one's destiny were truly determined by one's parentage, Mario would not be here right now, speaking to us."

Zelda finally spoke up again. "Please, Crazy, come back! We all want you back- all of us."

Slowly, Crazy began to raise himself up. The Master Hand patted him on the back. "There we go. I want you back to work on Monday morning. Short of vomiting up blood, I will accept no excuses. Have a good day."

With that, he floated out. Crazy gazed out of the window, and broke down sobbing- but they sounded like grateful sobs now. "Dat... dat be a good guy. Da Matter Hand... a better brudda a hand coulddant get."

Link smiled at hearing Crazy's usual butchered speech. "Sure is," he nodded. "Now, about that soda..."

Crazy rose up and headed to the kitchen to pick up where the Master Hand had left off. "He be right, doe, 'course. Mez be bein' stupid. Mean, stupid is stupid does, daddies always be sayin'. Me ever be show you picta miez old man? Great guy- good person."

Briefly abandoning the soda, he went to a shelf and placed a framed photo on the table. In it, two giant hands were coming together to form a couch shape, upon which sat two men- one younger, with black hair pointed towards the back of his head, and wearing a blue suit. The other had similar black hair, a connected beard and moustache, and was dressed like the archetypical adventurer, complete with battered fedora. The two of them were smiling at the camera, and while the hands, of course, had no expressions, one got the impression they would be smiling too.

"Dat be right after me be gettin' mah 'septance letta into da Smash Bruddas. We be celebratin' hard dat night- everyone be so happy..."

"'It be 'bout one week lata dat Daddies get 'rested. Get goin' ta Subspace on big falsey charges- dat when Nick 'cide be a lawya. It be da second yeara my school dat he die dere- no one eva find out trutha what be happenin' dat case. Dem be da ones dat keep me safe true school- dey half raise me. Matta Hand be like our daddies n' momma, all in one. N Nick... Nick got strong sensa justice, right 'gainst wrong. He be stickin' up fur me 'gainst all da bullies, or wheneva Matta not be able to. Dey be right- we be who we wantsa be, even if families be... not all on da upnup. No needin' ta be makin' scuses. No need ta say me not even know what ancients be."

Mario, Link, and Zelda quickly resorted to playing innocent. _Excuses? Who was making excuses? Not Okami Amaterasu, that's for sure._

"Mez be tinkin," Crazy mused, turning back towards Mario. "Mez be tinkin why me be so happy sees you all 'gain. Youz... youz be like me when younga... misfit, no daddies, kinda outcast... but mez got Nick n' Matta. You got just da Smitties. Maybe dat be why me no care for dem. But now... four yeas latah... n' you be bout ta win da Console Games! Who be tinkin', huh? Dat be grate, huh?"

Sitting down, he faced Mario as directly as his state of being allowed. "Dat be what me wants, reallies... me liketa see you win. Maybe, den... maybe den people see dat it no matta whereyou be comin' from... only matta dat you got da heart in ya to be makin' it happen... ta go da distance... how you doin' wit dat ball?"

"The orb? Oh, good- I've pretty much got that puzzle solved," Mario put on a remarkably fake smile.

Crazy perked up, happier than he had been all visit. "Dat be mah boi!" he cheered. "Youz take 'em all on, ight? Fight, win! N' come back aftawads, a'ight? Mez like our visits."

His words were kind, but each one felt like Ness was taking a baseball bat to Mario's groin. The puzzle of the orb weighed more on him that night than ever before. He'd been fine with lying to Ballyhoo- he hardly knew the guy. Lying to Zelda- uncomfortable, but he was sure he'd get his just desserts later. But lying to Crazy... it hurt more than just about anything he'd ever done. He decided, right there on that couch, that pride could go suck a railroad spike- it was time to do a little digging, and see if Donkey Kong's hint was, indeed, worth anything.

_XXXX_

*Bonus points to anyone who can finish that line.

Alright, I was rushing to finish this chapter before my upcoming great depression, so you guys get one last chapter before a probable hiatus. Before we end it off, though, we've got a few questions to address, starting with... Maveriqua!

Okay, technically, she asked this one quite a few chapters ago, but in my infinite wisdom, I failed to answer until now. Sorry about that! Q: Will we be seeing Aura Blackquill again? A: Probably not, though I wouldn't say definitely, because hey, you never know, right? I have no current plans to bring her back, but maybe someday...

Two questions from FelineWithin! Hey, how's it going? Long time, no see! Anyways, Q: Isn't Dixie Kong Diddy's girlfriend? A: Believe it or not, I was thinking of Dixie, I just got my names mixed up. I've only seen let's plays of Donkey Kong Country before, and even that was a year ago. As far as an in-universe justification goes... um... let's just say that not everyone at the FOT was actually dating their soul mates? Yeah... I mean, Layton and Lara Croft were dancing together, and they're not even from the same series! Yeah...

Q: Peach's band's name is the 'Peach Hit 5.' A:... Peach actually has a band in one of the games? I honestly didn't know that- that whole segment was in reference to the Live Alive short story/episode from Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. Peach actually has a band...? I'll have to look that one up... Anyways, Hawley and the Smoots is in reference to this story's running gag. I don't blame anyone for forgetting it, since I'm not beating it over your guys's heads with an anvil every other chapter. But trust me, it's there.

And one last response, to Sammael the Desolate One, Hound of Resurrection and... wait, it's just Sammael29? Oh. Alright. Anyways, to Sammael29, all I have to say is... two more chapters, and this question will answer itself. Hope to see you all there! Anyways... again, this may be the last time for a while that you guys hear from me-rough times ahead- so in the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.


	30. Mario B Goode

Gamer4 in. Hey, guys, I'm back! Spent some time with my friends and family, recovering from the... event... resting, recuperating, refilling on my funny juice (by which I mean, of course, Mountain Dew,) indulging in some of my favorite games (looking at you, Earthbound and Live A Live,) finally finishing my Live Alive miniseries, which definitely helped boost my confidence... and I'm finally back here, ready to have some more writing sessions. Got three screens up- my writing screen, my last-minute research screen, and my _Treasure of the Rudra _screen, where I'm playing one of Live A Live's spiritual successors... Treasure of the Rudra. Wow, how did you guess the name before I actually said it? You must be psychic... at any rate, glad to be back, let's dive right in!

Disclaimer: Before you rush in to point out any typos, keep in mind that I'm playing this by ear- some lyrics may be misheard. *A-hem.* I'd rather run a thousand miles, until I'm barely breathing, and only the fuel of a passionate heart keeps this body strong and moving forward!

Chapter XXV

Mario B. Goode

And so began the construction of... the _plan._

... No, we're not having a repeat of that incident two stories ago.

Unfortunately, as Mario had noted before, DK's hint in regards to how to solve the riddle of the sphere was _obscenely _vague, with the result that none of them knew how long it might take to piece everything together, bath or no bath. Zelda, in her infinite wisdom, decided, then, that they should enact their plan in a way that would earn him as much time as possible. Well, part 1 solved: do it at night. Though Mario was loathe to admit it- as it was conceding even more to that hateful ape- not the hateful 8- the prefect's bathroom was the ideal place to do it- only prefects and certain other students of high standing were given clearance to that restroom, and obtaining said status typically involved being the type that didn't go and take a bath in the middle of the night.

Careful planning was key here- Mario had been caught up at night before, more times than he really cared to admit, and they were incidents that he didn't really care to repeat. Going straight into his essentials kit was his blanket of invisibility, natch, along with the Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion. Just a second, need to run a quick check to see if we've described this thing yet...

No? _Really? _All this time, and we've only given it three mentions? Two of which were in _random quickies? _Dangit, Fabls!... Yeah, I'm blaming Fabls instead of Gandora now...

Anyways, the Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion was a very unique artifact, probably the most unique in Mario's collection- it was a cartograph of the entire Smash Mansion, with the capability of zooming in and out and moving around for better views of specific parts of the building, and, just to top it all off, it also showed where each and every person was with a little dot, labeled by name and color-coded by their group. If he was going to do this thing, this guide was probably the biggest help he could get.

It was a Tuesday night that Mario finally felt ready enough to do this thing. Due to his fear of what Zelda would say were she to find out he'd been lying about already having solved the clue, Mario enlisted Link as his cohort in his latest bout of rule-breakage. He produced the password for Rosalina, allowing his red-hatted cohort out into the halls of the Smash Mansion.

His luck, to whatever extent it existed, held through the trip out. He didn't meet a single person on the way to the coordinates DK had given him. Even the Boo, the one he'd been most afraid of encountering, was keeping himself busy tormenting Wolf down in the anthro's office- which Mario was a fan of. Anything to keep that pesky gray-furred winnicot out of his hair...

Between DK giving him the location of the bathroom and the fact that he _was _kinda using an infallible map of the whole freaking mansion, it didn't take long to track down the hidden door he was looking for. Upon finding it, he got as close to it as he dared and whispered the words DK had passed on to him- "Narpa's Sword." The door swung open with no muss or fuss about it.

Upon observing the chamber's insides, Mario was... astonished. Kirby and Meta were always wondering why anyone would want the responsibility and bad rep that being a prefect brought upon one, but seeing the bathroom kept for them... Mario suddenly found his desire for that badge increased several times. 'Bathroom,' honestly, was a generous term for what he was currently looking at- it was several times larger than any restroom he'd ever seen, and much more ornate. Seriously, what normal bathroom had a flipping chandelier? And calling the indentation in the floor a bathtub was like... was like calling Mount Everest a molehill. Am I reaching a bit? Perhaps. Whatever, let's just move along.

Anyways, bathtub nothing. This thing had a _diving board. _Doesn't matter what part of the world you live in- Mario defies you to find a single bathtub that comes complete with a _flipping DIVING BOARD. _And a few hundred faucets to boot. On the opposite end of the room was a portrait of a young fish-woman- a zora who was currently asleep, sunning herself on a rock in the center of a vast lake.

Mario winced as he stepped forward- even the minuscule echoes of his small, tapping footsteps seemed like the trumpet of an elephant in the quiet of that space. Well, DK had certainly steered him right so far- he was in the room- but now the question was beginning to rise in earnest. How was any of this supposed to help him solve _THE RIDDLE OF THE SPHERE (TM.)_? Well, as mentioned, DK hadn't steered him wrong yet, so he decided to go out on a limb and trust the primate- for the moment.

Mario had much more fun than he'd expected filling the pool (he refused to call it a tub, it was a flipping _pool_.) Each faucet had its own special way of doing the job, bouncing the water around the basin, creating layers of water thick enough for him to walk on, (Jesus water, as he liked to think of it,) releasing fumes that started to lull him to sleep before he came to his senses and changed faucets, and his favorite- the one that gently played the hot spring theme from Mother 3 as it poured out its precious liquid.

Continuing the pool analogy (or observation, rather,) it started off shallow at one end, but steadily got deeper until he could barely see the bottom anymore, let alone touch it- though the fact that the water was colored may have played a factor in that. He wasn't the greatest swimmer in the world, he'd readily admit- he was convinced that the Smiths' reluctance to offer him lessons was down to their closet desire to see him drown one day- but he managed to swing a couple flailing laps around the pool before settling next to the sphere again.

Well... what now? He was enjoying himself, true, but how was this supposed to help him solve this accursed riddle? He understood no more or less now than he did before. Perhaps if he opened it up...?

He did so, pressing the button and swinging it open... only to be deafened by the sound of Korn blasting through the chamber, echoing off the walls and magnifying to become any louder. Did this help him to understand the clue? Nope. Did it make him want to furiously slam the orb shut, cursing DK and whatever his game was, bringing him into an area restricted to him and forcing him to do something that would likely end in him getting caught? Yep. Sure did.

And then, from right behind him came a voice- the suddenness of which startled him so badly he dropped the orb and sent it rolling across the room like a jar of yummy pickles. "You won't get many results that way, you know- that's how the _Patriots _want you to do it."

"Go-gee- Holy flipping Wave Existence, Poe!" Mario yelped, spinning to face the ever-forlorn looking spirit who was currently hovering gently over the water of the pool. "How long have you been here?!"

"Ah, don't worry, I didn't ogle you as you were getting in," the Poe shrugged. "Just thought I'd come by and say hi, considering you don't seem keen on returning the favor..."

The Poe was a strange ghost indeed, dressed entirely in long, flowing robes that guarded his whole body except for two glowing pinpricks that represented his eyes, watching silently from the depths of his hood. In a pair of also-robed arms hung a lantern that he carried with him no matter the circumstances. In life, he'd been a student- a prefect, no less- at the Smash Mansion, but after being killed on a case fifty years ago by his erstwhile friend, George Locke, he spent his time haunting a girls' locker room and spouting conspiracy theories to anyone who would listen- which, after the evacuation of said locker room, was pretty much nobody- except for a couple years back, when the Golden Trio had used it as sort of a base of operations to solve the mystery of the year.

"I'm not supposed to go in that room," Mario pointed out. "It's the _girls' _locker room, after all."

"And just because the Patriots designated it makes it so? I mean, come on, you were in there all the time a couple years back."

"Until," Mario objected, "Link's brother- a prefect- caught us. We narrowly dodged some serious trouble there- thought we shouldn't come back afterwards."

"So you were put off by some tool of the La Li Lu Le Lo?" the Poe asked, seemingly angry at first, but dying down afterwards. "I guess I can't blame you _too _much... you _are _conditioned from birth to obey them, after all, breaking that conditioning can take quite a bit of work... Why, I remember when I was trying to wean Rose off their teachings, but she just couldn't quite bring herself to..."

Mario casually leaned back, tuning out one of the Poe's customary rants as he gazed at the ceiling. Finally, something occurred to him, and he interrupted. "Poe? Hey, Poe!"

"And she never saw calculators the same way again- something up, Mario?"

"What do you mean, that's how the Patriots want me to do it?"

"Just what I said- the Patriots don't want you thinking outside the box, trying different things- you might start to realize that they exist, and how to-"

"Alright, alright, alright," Mario interrupted. "So, saying I wanted to flip the Patriots the bird, how would I go about solving this puzzle?"

"You got a hint coin?" the Poe asked slyly.

"No, I don't have a flipping hint coin..."

"Can't tell you anything without a hint coin!" the Poe chanted in a singsong voice.

"Isn't that how the Patriots would want it?"

The Poe choked in midair, staring at him. "Goshdarnnit, he's right... okay, it's actually pretty simple- open it underwater."

"Underwater?"

"Just trust me on this one, a'ight?"

Mario eyed the ghost suspiciously for a moment, but ultimately did as he said, lowering the ball of metal into the water and pressing the button, opening it up. The singing started up again, but instead of death metal, it sounded more like classic rock n' roll. Taking a deep breath and dunking beneath the surface as well, he heard a song that was dubiously set to the tune of Johnny B. Goode. And when we say 'dubiously...' *sigh.* Just listen:

_Way down in Zora City, down beneath the lake, we brought down the treasure, once was the child of Jake's! We givin' him one hour to take it back, 'for we toss it down into the crack! Go, Mario, go, go! Go, Mario, go, go, go! Go, Mario go, go! Go, Mario, go, go, go! Mario, come on!_

_Mario, you got yourself a long journey, down 'neath the water where it's topsy-turvy! But that is a journey that you gotta make, to get back the thing we're gonna take! Go, Mario, go, go! Go, Mario, go, go, go! Go, Mario, go, go! Go, Mario, go, go, go! Mario, come on!_

_Use a power-up in a bottle or flask! Use some special gear to solve this task! Just gotta find yourself a way to survive, 'neath the lake as you seek out our hive! Go, Mario, go, go! Go, Mario, go, go, go! Go, Mario, go, go! Go, Mario, go, go, go! Mario, come on!_

_Go, Mario, go, go! Go, Mario, go, go, go! Go, Mario, go, go! Go, Mario, go, go, go! Mario, come on!_

By this point, Mario had had just about enough of that song, and pulled himself out of the water with ease.

"Make a little more sense now?" the Poe asked teasingly.

"Death metal or classic rock, this guy really doesn't know how to sing..." Mario muttered. "Did he sing the song for all of the contestants?"

"Well, he did for the Kong," the Poe noted. "Can't say as much about Snake or Sonic."

"They let this guy personalize all the clues..." Mario rubbed his eyes. "Well, not much of a puzzle, huh? It came right out and told me what I'm supposed to do..."

"I guess they figured finding out how to make it intelligible was enough of a puzzle in itself," the Poe suggested. "Kind of like that soup can puzzle in... dang, was that Silent Hill or Resident Evil?"

"I'm not sure it was either of those," Mario shook his head. "Well, I know what to do now, at any rate... go underwater, find the zoras... Hold up... Poe, are there zoras in the lake?"

"Yup," the Poe nodded. "Whole frakking city, just chilling down at the very bottom, where the ice never reaches, no matter how cold it gets."

"Well, that's one problem solved..." Mario reflected... only to realize what he was really saying. "...only to open up about a thousand more."

"How d'you mean?" the Poe asked.

Mario turned a pair of half-closed eyes on his spiritual companion. "Isn't it kind of obvious?"

"Not to me."

Mario sighed. "What am I supposed to do for air?"

The Poe froze. After a long silence, he belted out, sounding _furious, _"Well, screw you, too!"

"Huh?"

"What, just because the Patriots twisted things around so ghosts don't even have the right to _breath _anymore, you gotta come to me, harassing me about it?!"

"I didn't say-"

"Do you _realize _how offensive that is? The living dead have rights too, you smegging _winnicot!"_

"But I-"

"Boy, that gets some real grit in my grunders, I'll tell you what... you know it took them two freaking days to realize I was dead? It was Tuesday, and it wasn't until Friday that Mr. Campbell finally started putting people together to see where I'd gone, and of all the people it could've been, it had to be that _assbutt, _Fassad Yokuba! Of all the people to find me, why that dirty little smegger? Oh, the stories I could tell about him... why, just the week before I died, I caught him-"

Once again, Mario tuned the Poe out. This new trial merited some thinking. If he was to take the song as gospel- heh heh- then the zoras were going to snatch something of his- something he cared about. Hmmm... what could that be? Link or Zelda, perhaps? Nah, ridiculousness- they'd never resort to kidnapping for this tournament... right?

"-and then the smegger goes on youtube and starts talking about-"

"Yeah, I'm sure she did," Mario shook his head, clearly not listening at all. "Look, Poe, turn away- I'm getting out."

"Don't drop the soap," the Poe snorted, but turned away nonetheless as Mario climbed out, quickly toweled off, and donned his clothing once more. "Say, Mario... any chance you guys could come and visit every now and then? Not that I'm complaining _too _much about living entirely free of the Patriots' tyranny... but it does get a little lonely on occasion."

"I'll keep it in mind," Mario nodded, privately moving the concept to the back of his mind where it would hopefully never surface again. "Thanks for the help, at any rate."

"Always glad to help a fellow son of liberty," the Poe nodded before zooming off through a wall.

Mario shook his head, pulled on his shoes, and made his way out into the hallway.

_Alright, quick check of the guide, _he thought to himself as he pulled on his blanket. Glancing at the map, he could see Mido finally taking a rest in his office- probably the first since the early eighties- and the Boo had left Wolf's office in exchange for defacing Samus's classroom... there would be hell to pay later. Another dot had replaced him in Wolf's office, and Wolf himself hanging out on the roof, so he should be good... to... go...

Hold on. That was strange. The only dot that naturally belonged in Wolf's office was... well, Wolf. The Boo being there wasn't that surprising, either, but the dot that _was _there... well, it definitely caused Mario to turn his head.

The dot milling around Wolf's room was labeled, quite simply, _von Karma. _

Von Karma? That was odd... the same von Karma that, according to Rob, was so sick that he was forced to break his usually impeccable work ethic and call in sick? The same von Karma who couldn't even come to the Festival of Trees, he was so ill? _That _was the von Karma who was currently poking around some teacher's office past midnight in the Smash Mansion, one of the most heavily-guarded buildings on the planet?

Mario wanted not to care- he wanted _so much _to be the type of person who would dismiss this as being none of his business and just go up to bed- but, unfortunately, he acknowledged himself as being a complete idiot, so he changed course from the Nintendo hub to the dungeons, and began walking down some secret stairs.

Mario was focused entirely on being quiet, which was both good... and his undoing. You see, it was good in that he kept himself from being heard aside from the odd portrait who would crack their eyes open before dismissing it as a restless spirit and go back to sleep. But then came the staircase where he suddenly felt his foot pass straight through a step, sending him careening to the ground. He struggled to keep the blanket on himself- which unfortunately caused him to lose his grip on both the Bomber's Guide and the orb he'd been carrying with him- the former fluttered to several steps away, and the orb crashed down with many loud thunking noises, before landing on the button, opening it up and sending the poetic stylings of Papa Roach careening around the halls of the mansion at what, to Mario's ears, seemed to be over five billion decibels. Cursing and examining his leg, Mario realized he'd fallen into a trick step- one of the ones he was always warning Luigi about. Go figure.

Mario struggled to pull his leg out of the trap it had fallen into, hoping to get to the map and his screeching ball before anyone else was drawn to it- but his leg just sank further and further into the cold, uncaring wood.

His backup plan was to hope against hope that nobody heard it, but that was a fool's hope if there ever was one, and sure enough, just a moment or two after his plunge...

"BOO! BOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

That was Mido. Mario cringed as the caretaker of the Smash Mansion appeared at the bottom of the stairs, in a flying red fury, looking around for the source of the noise. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU ACCURSED GHOST?! TRYING TO WAKE UP THE WHOLE MANSION?! THIS IS THE LAST STRAW- I'M GOING TO THE MASTER HAND TOMORROW AND- huh?"

Mido's rant died down as he spied the orb, sitting open on the ground. Bending down, he picked it up and closed it, leaving Mario's ears ringing as the song erupting from it faded away. Mario's heart was on the verge of failing... if Mido found out what was really going on here, he'd be lucky to escape alive...

"Hmmm... aren't these things the clues the contestants in the Console Games got?" Mido wondered out loud. Suddenly, a truly nasty smirk crossed his face, nearly causing Mario's heart to fail, until...

"BOO! YOU ROTTEN THIEF! I'LL HAVE YOU OUT THIS TIME! I know I always say that... BUT THIS TIME FOR REAL!"

"What is this, Mido?" came a new voice, and Mario's heart gave out again- wow, he was really putting it through the blender- as he recognized the new voice... Wolf O'Donnell.

"Oh, Wolf," Mido greeted the anthro- they were two of the very few people in the school on good terms with each other. "Just the Boo... tossing this thing down the stairs..."

Wolf stepped closer, eyeing the orb closely. "The Boo, you say?"

"Yup- stole this from one of the contestants and thought he'd have some fun with it."

"Couldn't be," Wolf shook his head, speaking more to himself than to Mido. "I just finished warding my office against that miserable ghost..."

Mido looked confused. "The orb was in your office?"

Wolf snapped to attention. "No, of course not."

"Then what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?"

"Look, I heard the dulcet sounds of Death Metal roaring through the mansion..."

"The orb opening up..."

"And I was on my way to investigate when I noticed that my office door had been opened, and its cupboards pilfered."

"Nah, that couldn't have been the Boo," Mido shook his head.

"I know it couldn't- that's what I just said!" Wolf snarled impatiently. "It would take some smashing a little more powerful than what that wretched poltergeist could muster to break the seal I put on my door- especially when I reinforced it after kicking him out tonight!" Wolf raised his paws and sighed. "Look... Mido... I want you to come and help me find this mysterious intruder."

"Well, you know I'd usually be right there, Wolf, but..."

"_But?"_

Mario gritted his teeth, desperately hoping Mido would agree. He cursed himself as Louise, Mido's faithful cat, cast her eyes up at him- maybe giving himself a legitimate bath hadn't been the best idea. Or, at least, he could have used less scented soap.

"Well, the thing is... this time, I've got hard evidence of the Boo stealing from a contestant! The Master Hand can't turn a blind eye to this- I'll finally be able to get him ousted!"

"Mido," Wolf growled, eyes starting to look more feral, "do I look like I give two flying _smegs _about the fate of that ghost? What I want is to know who broke into-"

They both quickly fell silent as a new set of footsteps made themselves heard- a very _distinct _set of footsteps...

"Having a slumber party, huh? How come _I _didn't get an invite?"

"Simon," came the soft growl of Wolf. And sure enough, there he was: Simon Belmont, in the very-battered flesh, glaring around at the other two.

"We were just investigating some strange noises," Mido explained. "Turned out to be the Boo, tossing things around... and then Wolf found out someone broke into his-"

"Silence!" Wolf barked, but the damage was done.

Simon stepped forward, eyeing them suspiciously, and finally, turned to the staircase.

Mario's heart gave another jolt- Simon's yellow eye could see through blankets of invisibility. Simon was the only one of the three at the bottom of the stairs to see the full strangeness that was occurring there that night. He seemed to be pretty shocked, too- his eyes widened and blinked a couple times as he took it all in. Not much, yeah, but for him, that was like reeling back into a wall out of sheer astonishment.

Finally, however, he turned on Wolf first. "So, someone broke into your office, hm?"

"Irrelevant," Wolf growled back.

"So you say," Simon retorted, "but it has the potential to be quite important indeed. To begin with... who has the motive to break into your office?"

"A student would be my first guess," Wolf grumbled, and Mario had a funny feeling he knew which student the anthro was referring to. "It's happened before... ingredients to power-ups going mysteriously missing overnight... probably just a band of young fools attempting some power-ups beyond their level."

"Oh, really?" Simon's eye narrowed. "There's nothing else tucked away in the nooks and crannies of your office? _Just _power-up ingredients, hmm?"

Mario's eyes widened... did Wolf look _nervous? _"You should know yourself, Simon. You ran a very thorough check when you first arrived here- did _you _find anything?"

"Still sore about that, huh?" Simon chuckled. "Well, you would not disagree with the Master Hand, would you? He's the one who asked me to keep an eye-"

"I refuse to believe he specifically asked you to keep an eye on me," Wolf snarled. "He trusts me."

"You got me there," Simon raised his hands. "He just asked me to keep an eye on things in general- but he gave me plenty of leeway in how I did that. If I wanted to search your office- that's my prerogative as an ex-hunter. And as far as the Master Hand's trust? Well, he's pretty trusting, is he not? But as far as _I _go... not so much. Some scars never heal, some marks just never come off... _if you know what I mean._"

Wolf looked more uncomfortable than ever before, making a bizarre grabbing motion at his arm. Simon looked highly amused. "Why not go back to bed, fool? _I _will track down that mysterious intruder for you."

"You don't have the authority to send me anywhere, like a father scolding his son!" Wolf snapped. "I have as much right to be here as you!"

"Then exercise it," Simon shrugged. "Skulk around all you want... but if you go skulking in the wrong places, I will be there..." Simon turned, and his eyes fell on the Guide. "Oh, incidentally... you seem to have dropped something."

Mario's heart- take a guess- jolted as he saw this. Well, make-it-or-break-it time- it was really going out on a limb, but if he did nothing, he could consider himself well and truly screwed- he raised his hands in the air like he just didn't care and waved them around, seizing Simon's attention and desperately mouthing, "It's mine, mine, MIIIIIIINE!"

Wolf reached out for it with one claw...

*CRACK!*

-and quickly withdrew it as Simon's whip cracked directly in front of him. The ex-hunter moved forward and seized the paper for himself. "Sorry 'bout that- my mistake. Top secret stuff here, I cannot have you looking at it..."

But Wolf didn't have a habit of believing the easy explanation- especially not when a threat to Mario's continued attendance at the school was at stake. His eyes narrowed as he put the puzzle pieces together... "Mario."

"Say again?" Simon grunted.

"Mario!" Wolf growled, turning and casting his eyes up the stairs. "I should have realized sooner! That sphere- it's Mario's! That paper- it belongs to Mario! I confiscated it just last year, I should recognize it! He's here- in that wretched blanket of his!"

He turned and crouched down on the ground, looking much more wolflike than usual as he furiously began sniffing out his prey...

"There's nothing there, if you wanted to know," Simon casually noted, leaning back. "Special eye, and all that- lends me certain abilities. That said, I will _definitely _make a note to tell the Hand how quickly your mind jumped to that boy."

"And what do you mean by that?" Wolf snarled, turning back towards the Protection from the Evils teacher.

"Well, it's just that... all the contestants were given an orb like that," Simon noted. "And I just said this old paper's mine, so unless you specifically marked it for later reference, I really don't see where you're coming from. On the other hand... someone in this house has it out for Mr. Mario... and I think the Master Hand wants to know who that is even more than I do. It would be a very interesting topic..."

Mario didn't even dare to breath for the next few moments... until Wolf stood upright and descended the staircase once more. "Very well. Have it your way. That said... if Mario truly _is _up at night, it would be in his own best interest to find him and stop him, wouldn't it?"

"Oh, I see," Simon smirked. "Just thinking of the children, are you? Running a little child garden here?"

Wolf blinked, and there was a long, drawn out confrontation between the three. Finally, Wolf grunted and turned away. Well, if Simon hadn't had Mario's respect before, he sure did now- he beat _Wolf _in a staring contest! "I'm going to bed," he growled.

"Now you're talking sense," Simon smiled. "Now... Mido... the orb, if you would."

"No!" Mido yelped, clutching it to his chest. "This is cold, hard evidence of spiritual larceny! I can't just give-"

"Mido, call on me tomorrow and I will back you up with the Master Hand," Simon shook his head. "However, in the meantime, we should work on finding out whose clue this is and returning it to them."

Mido looked desperately to Wolf for backup, but he was already gone. Sighing despondently, he handed the clue over to Simon's outstretched hands, and stumped off into the darkness. As soon as he was sure they were gone, Simon turned and ascended the steps, finally stopping next to where Mario was still trapped. "You really enjoy a good adrenaline rush, don't you, Mario?"

"You could say that," Mario grunted, still struggling to pull out his leg.

"I can only assume you were out trying to solve the clue?"

"Yeah... yeah, you got it."

"Well, that's a good cause- you are still alright in my book, Mario."

"Glad to hear it... Mr. Belmont?"

Simon, however, had turned his attention to the Guide. "So, any point in asking why this is so important?"

"It's a map of the mansion," Mario explained, growing more and more frustrated at his continued lack of success in pulling himself free.

Simon's eyes widened as he gazed at the map. "Mein Gott..." he gasped. Glancing up at Mario, he shook his head and said, "Holy Pac-man, I mean. This... this map... it's quite something, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's pretty special," Mario groaned. "Look, I don't want to straight-man you too hard, but if it's not too much trouble, I'd like to regain some feeling in my leg..."

"Huh? Oh, right," Simon grunted looking down and finally taking notice of Mario's plight. "C'mere..."

He reached down, grasped Mario's arm tightly, and pulled him up out of the false step like he was lifting up a carrot. That done, he turned his attention back to the map. "I don't suppose you saw, did you?"

"Hm?"

"On the guide," Simon elaborated. "Did you see who broke into Wolf's office?"

"Yeah... Mr. von Karma," Mario recalled. "That's what it said, at least, and it's never been wrong before..."

"Von Karma!" Simon gasped- clearly, this meant more to him than it did to Mario- he looked more taken aback than before. "You're sure?"

"Pretty darn," Mario nodded.

"Well... he's gone now," Simon growled, examining the map closely. "Von Karma you say... interesting... very, very interesting..."

Mario examined Simon closely. He had an off-and-on relationship with this particular Protection from the Evils teacher- he was definitely better than Tingle, no two ways about it, but he wasn't exactly as comforting as Fox Mccloud had been. Nevertheless, he seemed to be a good guy, in his own strange way...

"Why would von Karma be interested in Wolf?" he finally asked.

The look he received from Simon was very searching, very penetrating... and when he answered, Mario got the impression he was carefully weighing every word. "Let's put it this way... people say that Simon Belmont's obsessed with catching demonic sons of b****es, and maybe they're right... but when I stand next to Manfred von Karma... well, he's not in the same ballpark. Not the same league, not even the same sport. When it comes to hunting dark smashers, Manfred von Karma is truly in a class of his own."

"So... so you think von Karma thinks there's something going on? Some sort of... interference...?"

He was treading lightly, trying to find out how much Simon might or might not know about Roy, without giving anything up. Simon, however, grunted, "Like what? Be specific!"

Mario flinched, and thought quickly. "Well, it's just... there's been a lot of weird things going on lately, haven't there? The Fourside Tribune's been reporting o it all- the Mark of the Emissary, the Starmen coming back, the whole fiasco with the bottle... basically, everything that's happened so far in this story."

Simon's eyes widened. "You're pretty bright for a kid your age, Mario," he noted. "I honestly wouldn't doubt it if von Karma's thinking along those very lines. Of course, the Tribune's been blowing it out of proportion a tad- that Glados robot certainly helps along any rumors she hears- and I don't doubt people are getting nervous... little pop quiz, Mario. What's the worst thing in the world?"

"Diet Mountain Dew?"

"Besides that."

"Diet, caffeine free Mountain Dew?"

"You mean water? Nah, that's not what I mean either."

"Then I give."

"A starman who walked free," Simon growled, and he certainly looked it. "I cannot stand a starman who escaped justice..."

Mario stared. Was Simon hinting at what he thought he was hinting at?

"One last question, then, Mario, and then we'll go to bed."

Mario braced himself. Here it came, the question of how he'd gotten it, which indicted quite a few people- not just himself, Link, and Zelda, but the twin puffballs, Fox, and a few people who weren't even alive anymore...

"Mind if I borrow this?"

Mario let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Huh. Well, he certainly liked his guide- and it _was, _more or less, his birthright... but on the other hand, he was relieved to not be asked about the Guide's origins, he more or less owed Simon a favor, and he was sure the ex-hunter could put it to good use...

"Yeah, sure."

"Smart kid," Simon smiled. "I think this may be exactly what I've been looking for. Alright, off to bed, Mario..."

Simon escorted Mario up a few flights of stairs before coming to a halt. "Well, this is where we split up- my office is on this floor. Keep your nose clean, okay?"

"Got it," Mario nodded.

"Incidentally... have you ever considered becoming a hunter when you grow up?"

"A hunter?" Mario asked, turning back on him briefly.

"Yeah... might be an interesting choice for you," Simon nodded. "Your mind certainly works the right way... good night."

"Night," Mario nodded, turning and heading back up the stairs.

He held off on thinking everything over until he got back to the dorm. And then... well, honestly, he wasn't certain what to make of this one. Von Karma was certainly acting very strange, regardless of his motives... if he was just fine, why fake being sick? What was the _point? _And why target Wolf specifically?

And then there was the idea that he should become a hunter- coming from a very esteemed _ex-_hunter, no less! Huh. Very interesting, but somehow, he thought he'd like to check a career fair or something, and see if some of the other hunters were a little less scarred.

_XXXX_

Ah, feels so good to be back to writing again, you guys don't even know! The fact that Fabls and I finally met up for the first time in a year and a half while I was writing it certainly doesn't hurt either. Anyways, I don't think we have any questions today, and next time marks the presentation of the second trial, so, without further adieu... please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	31. The Depths of Lake Delfino

Gamer4 in. Well, between the intense hostility out there and my recent rage quit from _Treasure of the Rudra- _flippin' Antlion- and what with this being another trial chapter, which, by extension, should be a longer one, I thought I'd give it an earlier start. I say that now, but we'll see when this one comes out, huh? Well, hope you guys enjoy!

Disclaimer: But could it be I've found a place to rest? How far until I'm okay? Leaves fall of the trees and tell me the time has come, once again to shift our maiden colors!

Chapter XXVI

The Depths of Lake Delfino

"You slimy little son of a b-"

"Zelda?"

"W- winnicot! I was going to say winnicot!" Zelda quickly corrected herself in response to Link's raised eyebrows.

"Winnicot doesn't start with a B..."

"But Buttercup does, doesn't it?"

"Somehow, I doubt you were going to say, 'Son of a Buttercup.'"

"Stop living in the past, Link! Right now, I'm a little preoccupied with this lying smegger right here!" Zelda turned a very disapproving eye onto Mario. "Telling us he'd solved the clue when he really hadn't!"

"Technically, I never actually said I'd solved it," Mario countered halfheartedly. "I only said I was close to it... and I solved it a couple days later, didn't I?"

"Through a fluke!" Zelda objected. "If you'd waited much longer..."

"I'd be screwed," Mario agreed. "Though, given what the trial's going to be, I may as well be screwed anyways..."

Zelda still looked angry, but Link calmly raised a hand. "Calm thine jets, Zelda- the past is in the past, and unless you still have that ocarina tucked away somewhere, we can't change it. All we can do is try to figure out how to get him through that trial alive."

A surprisingly sensible thing, coming from Link... and directed at Zelda, no less. She still didn't look much happier, but grudgingly conceded the point nonetheless.

Incidentally, if you were wondering where they were as all this was going down, they were in weapons class, where Pikachu was in the middle of teaching them to use the gust bellows, giving each of them a small sandbox and instructing them to empty it with their bellows' magical winds. It seemed like a fairly safe plan, but Pikachu had unfortunately failed to take into account that the class contained Luigi, not exactly known for his good aim. Long story short, Luigi's lack of control of his reverse vacuum cleaner, sending fire, ice, and water all over the place- wherever he was getting it all- led to enough pandemonium that the Golden Trio felt pretty safe discussing Mario's late-night excursion at the back of the class. They were even safer now than before- to avoid a particularly large ice lump, Pikachu had just been forced to dive out the window.

"Actually, even the trial can wait, for now," Mario shook his head. "For _now, _I'd rather focus on Simon and Wolf."

"Yeah, that's pretty odd," Link nodded thoughtfully, casually ducking under the speeding sphere of water that Luigi had just fired. "Simon was poking around in Wolf's office, huh?" He raised up his own gust bellows as he spied a very disgruntled-looking Pikachu re-entering the room out of the corner of his eye, and attempted to fire them at his sandbox. He misaimed and sent the sandbox flying across the room, where it smacked Saria Kokiri in the back of the head. Quickly turning around and putting on the most innocent face he could summon, he continued the conversation. "You don't think Simon's here to watch Wolf _and _the Master Chief, do you?"

"I don't know about the Master Hand _asking _him to do it, but he _is _doing it, with or without his knowledge," Mario nodded.

"You know," Link suddenly thought, beckoning his friends closer conspiratorially, "maybe it was _Wolf _that did it! Maybe _he's _the one who signed you up for the Games!"

A buzzing sound sounded off next to them, and they turned to see Zelda with her arms in an X in front of her. "Nicht nein Bahnhoff," she grunted.* "How many times have we put the blame of Wolf, now? And how many times were we actually right?"

Mario shrugged noncommitally. He _did _recall his first story, back when all this was even more Mad-Libs-esque than it is now- back when he'd first suspected Wolf of trying to snatch the Hylian Stone. It was no secret that Wolf despised him, and only slightly less secret that it was due to a childhood rivalry with his father. Every way to Sunday, there was no denying that Wolf was a grade-A winnicot, but a criminal...?

"Besides, you know what Simon's like," Zelda continued. "He probably checked everyone's offices when he first got here on the off-chance they were concealing a Giga Koopa or something- probably even Samus, Crazy, and- well, the Master Hand himself! And as far as Wolf goes, the Master Hand trusts him- and we've seen that he's a pretty good judge- just look at Crazy or Fox!"

"Yeah, but Crazy and Fox aren't nearly as obviously evil," Link retorted. "I'll concede the point about Simon, but what about von Karma, huh? That guy was one of the biggest prosecutors around during the first war, you'd think he'd know an evil smasher if he saw one. Why go to the trouble to sneak back up here if Wolf is so squeaky-clean and innocent, huh?"

"Yeah, about von Karma," Zelda abruptly changed the topic. "There's something fishy about him, too- pretending to be sick, so sick he can't come to the FOT... then high-tail it up here in the middle of the night? Su-spic-ous!" Mario glanced around, trying to locate the source of the strange music that played when she said that last word.

"Ah, you're biased against von Karma because of Birdo," Link dismissed her.

"And you're biased against Wolf because of how he treats Nintendo!" Zelda countered.

"I just want to know why it takes someone who believes in second chances so much to hire the fleabag," Mario grunted out his two cents.

XXXX

Well, Roy had asked to hear about anything strange at the Smash Mansion, and things didn't get much stranger than they were, so Mario wasted no time in heading up to the aviary and using a large blue female albatross with an awkward pearl necklace around her neck to send out the latest information. With that, Mario decided to file the whole Wolf-Simon incident away under 'to worry about later' until the second trial was over and done with. And then... time to start worrying about that trial in earnest.

Link, personally, liked the idea of re-quipping again, this time into some scuba gear, but Zelda stomped on that idea- average muggle SCUBA gear, assuming Mario knew how to operate it, wouldn't function on the Smash Mansion's grounds- something about smashing energy disagreeing with normal muggle technology. Mario was so taken aback that he checked it on his cell phone- but no, she was right. And as far as smashing SCUBA gear went... it was rather complicated to handle. Not _super _complicated, but enough so that learning to use it in the short time they had left was right out.

Zelda, meanwhile, favored a transformation-slanted approach to the whole thing- but acknowledged that such things were hardly within Mario's skill level. "I mean, even using wisp energy to transform isn't something you learn until late sixth year, early seventh," Zelda mused. "I guess that's why they wanted higher-class smashers..."

"So it's a good thing I got thrown into this gong show against my will, isn't it?" Mario muttered. "Come on, back to the flipping library..."

It reminded Mario heavily of back in first year when they'd been looking for information on Dampe Kakariko- endless hours of looking through books, not even entirely certain what they were actually looking for, tossing one hopeless tome aside after the next. It was a _little _better than that occasion- considering the circumstances, Samus was willing to give them permission to poke around in the restricted section, and they didn't feel limited from asking Ruto the librarian for assistance- but that didn't change the fact that after a solid week, they'd still found a solid... nothing.

Mario's nerves were on the rise again- what a roller-coaster this year was turning out to be. He felt as though he wasn't truly present when he was in class, had nightmares about drowning in a cold, endless darkness... every time he saw Lake Delfino out of the corner of his eye, he felt a jolt of panic in his heart...

Time, just as before the first trial, started acting like a prick, endless hours passing in the blink of an eye. One week left... five days... two and a half...

By the time the trial came up, Mario had ceased to be able to eat. He could force down the slightest amount of toast and the smallest drops of ginger ale at breakfast, but anything more would turn his stomach. For a brief moment that morning, Mario felt as though salvation arrived when he saw the albatross he'd sent to Roy soaring in with the others, dropping a letter right in front of him. Eagerly, he tore the letter open as though it contained the answer to life, the universe, and everything, only to find a single number on it- 42.

"Huh?" he wondered.

Glancing over, Zelda sighed. "Flip it, Mario- it's just Gamer4 again."

Mario sighed, rubbed his eyes, and flipped it to find a _severely _short message scrawled there.

_When you goin' out to Kurain again? Let me know right away._

Mario felt as though he'd been sucker punched in the stomach- _smeg. _He'd forgotten to mention this plight to his godfather in the letter- he'd been too occupied telling him about the incident with Simon and Wolf to even _mention _why he'd been out there to begin with!

Zelda seemed to have caught on. "Next weekend," she muttered quietly, flashing him a sympathetic look as Mario filled out the date on the back, put the letter back in an envelope, and handed to the blue albatross, who looked quite satisfied as she took flight once more, in quite the _flurrie _of feathers, if ya know what I mean.

Their first class that day was Smashing Creatures, and while Crazy made a comeback, it was, thankfully, without the Ultimate Chimaeras at his side. Theories ranged wildly as to why this was- perhaps he was trying to disprove his reputation, maybe he was opting for the old 'anything Kjelle can do, I can do better' trick, or maybe it was for the simple, practical reason that only one ultimate chimaera was still living, but either way, Mario was thankful for it. In its place was a pair of Rapidashes that had yet to mature past a single year.

"Da special tings bout da kiddies be dat dey no get taught 'voidin' boys yet, so dey be safe for all y'alls to get close to!" Crazy proclaimed cheerfully to a truly awe-struck class. "Da first ting youz gotta be doin' wit crittas like dis be ta start buildin' upa bond, you gets it? Start of wit da feedin- dey like dese secret candies..."

As the class moved closer to the truly beautiful creatures, Crazy intercepted Mario. "It all be on da upnup, Marioz?" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah, it's all good," Mario squeaked out, wondering how easy it was to tell that he was lying.

"Me be guessin' you gotta flutterby r tree in yous belly?"

"You could say that," Mario agreed, bending over double.

"It all gonna be alrights, Marioz- youz listen Bob Marley on dis one. Youz oneada most 'mazing smashas since my brudda himself! Mez no say dis just 'cause it corny line, mez really believe it when iz be lookin' t'you- you 'cide you wantsa be doin' someting, youz able ta do it. It not always be easy, 'course- sometimes it be long and difcult- but when youz wantsa do sometin', Marioz... even me mommiez not able stand in your way."

Mario gave the most awkward nod he thought he'd ever given. For a brief moment, the thought crossed his mind- Crazy was the wildlife manager at the mansion- did he ever have to submerge himself in the lake? Perhaps _he'd _know how to-

"Youz gonna win, Marioz," Crazy spoke, and Mario caved to that warm, hopeful voice. "Mez know it now- youz gonna be da winner dis tourney."

Mario couldn't do it. He just couldn't break Crazy's spirit, not when it had so recently been renewed. Shaking his head, he turned towards the others, intent on taking a closer look at those rapidashes.

XXXX

"_To be, or not to be, that is the question," Mario mused, gazing into the eyes of a skull he was holding up in his hand. "Whether 'tis nobler in mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take up arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them. To sleep- perchance, to dream- ay, there's the rub. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may-" _

"You know that's the wrong scene, right?" Zelda broke in on his black-and-white vision.

"Oh, excuse me," Mario grunted. "Let me try again- _Something is rotten in the state of Denmark-"_

"Still the wrong line," Zelda shook her head.

"_Out, out, brief candle! Life is but a-" _

"Wrong _play,_" Zelda objected exasperatedly. "Do you seriously not know the line?"

"Of _course _I know the line," Mario nodded. "It's just that that speech is more suitable to the situation right now! Geez!" Turning back to the skull, he grunted out, _"Alas, poor Oersted, I knew him, a fellow of true splendor and most excellent fancy."_

He looked up at Zelda, awaiting her verdict. She sighed. "Close enough."

It was the last night before the second trial- second trial's eve. The Golden Trio were tearing through every book they could, desperately seeking any solution to their problem they could find. No answers were forthcoming.

Mario resorted to a computer, searching for the word water in every database, but surprisingly often, the word was used only in recipes- very seldom did it refer to bodies of water, and even more seldom did it even acknowledge the possibility of exploring those depths- never did it think to mention how one might go about surviving underwater for an extended period of time. Well, there was that one guy who built an underwater city, but that wasn't exactly what Mario had in mind.

"Smeg it, I call hacks," Link growled, leaning back in his chair. "Hacks! It can't be done. It just can't. Unless Mario wants to try what he did last year again- summon a big ol' final smash and hope the fire's powerful enough to steam up the whole lake..."

"No, no, no, _no!" _Zelda objected, developing a twitch in her eye as she pored over the roughly three hundred dozenth book. "They wouldn't have the contestants do a trial that was undoable!"

"I wouldn't go that far," Link shook his head. "You know Professor Layton? He was a contestant in the games, way back when when people still played it. According to him, one of the trials was to solve a maze, and the last door was opened by solving a puzzle- except the puzzle was unsolvable- there was literally no answer, except to just not go in the maze in the first place. So, Mario," Link turned to his friend, "I think the best thing you can do right now is just shout at the Zoras and tell them you'll have the whole lake up in smoke if they don't give back whatever they took."

"There- is- an- answer!" Zelda raged, nearly ripping the pages out of her book as she frustratedly tore though it. "I refuse to accept that there isn't!"

"I think Ruto would appreciate a little more silence in the library, Ms. Hyrule," came a gruff voice, drawing everyone's attention to where Simon Belmont was approaching.

"Oh- Mr. Belmont!" Zelda squeaked, suddenly looking very afraid.

"Do not worry," Simon shook his head. "I am not here to chew you out- just to escort you back to your dorms."

"All of us?" Link asked nervously.

"Just you two," Simon grunted. "Samus's orders. Said Mario could stay up as late as he needs to, but he really should be studying alone."

Link and Zelda cringed, though there was no accusation in Simon's voice. "Alright... I guess we'll meet you back in the hub," Link shrugged. "Hope you find something soon..."

"Don't worry about it," Mario shrugged, privately thinking, _because I'm worried enough for the both of us._

And so it came to be that Mario found himself alone in the library, still poring through countless books. When Ruto came around, closing everything up, Mario quickly hid in his blanket- he had no intentions of leaving the library until he'd found an answer. One book... ten books... a hundred... he lost count, and still, no answers were forthcoming. Nonetheless, he pressed on- the visions of what would happen if he turned up and simply forfeited were too terrible. Ballyhoo looking surprised and disappointed... the Master Chief spreading out that crud-eating grin, detectable even from behind the visor of his helmet... Snake's mocking tone, "Yeah, somehow, I think we all called this one- don't know what the little runt thought he was doing, getting this in over his head..." Bowser flashing off that stupid propaganda badge for everyone to see... Crazy, looking so stunned and sorrowful that he might start speaking normally again...

_Mario felt like he'd died- his body was floating in the water, looking up at the stars... nearby, he thought he heard a motor-boat running- looking, he could see a strange, unknowable figure crossing the lake in such a vehicle, bearing a striking resemblance to his Wild Wing. They were riding it off into the distance, leaving him to die..._

"_Mario!" came a shout from behind him, and using most of the energy he had, he turned to see Link wading out into the lake for him, pure horror etched into his face. "Hold on, buddy, I'll get you to shore, don't worry!"_

_He dragged Mario through the water to the nearby coastline, where Mario struggled to stand, but collapsed- his legs simply wouldn't support him. "Link... come closer..."_

"_No, don't be like this, Mario," Link shook his head, eyes tearing up. "You need to survive- who will be our straight man if you die?"_

"_Don't worry about it... come on, get down here... I need to pass out my final message..."_

_Link bent over, and suddenly, Mario leapt to his feet, producing a large guitar in the shape of a fish from nowhere, and bursting into a very terribly-voiced song:_

"_One, two, three! Oh, baby, baby, listen to me! The trial's beginning soon! We're the ones they're waiting to see!" _

_Abruptly, Snake, Sonic, and DK appeared behind him, singing backup- "The ones they're waiting to see!"_

"_But the task they set, it's the strangest yet, it's a water-bound mystery!"_

"_A water-bound mystery!"_

"_Whoa-oh, in Lake Delfino, now, something's-a-happening, isn't it now?"_

"_It is, it is, it surely is!"_

"_Oh, baby, listen to me, those flipping zoras! Those freaking winnicotts, they stole my... er... Wild Wing!"_

"_Your... Wild Wing?"_

"_I dove right in, tried to stop them, but then- slam and pow, here I now stand!"_

"_He got beaten bad!"_

"_Baby, if I die like this, even if I die, I won't be at peace, that's for sure!"_

"_That's true, that is true, for sure!"_

"_Somebody please, solve this riddle before the zoras take their toll! Oh, somebody, somebody, please heal my soul!"_

_Finally, he finished off, playing one last riff on the guitar before collapsing into complete blackness. "That's all, thank you very much."**_

XXXX

"Mario! Mario! Mario Mario!"

Mario blinked his eyes open, raising his hands to rub out the assailing eye boogers. "Whatsawha?" He was awaking from a dream that he couldn't recall... and got the feeling he didn't want to. What was going on again? He wasn't in the dorm, for what it was worth- the library, it looked like, and Yoshi was sitting there, prodding him awake. "Yoshi? What's going on, what time is it?"

"It is 8:20, sir... on the day of the second trial!"

"The day of..." Suddenly, Mario felt wide awake. "The day of the trial?! _8:20?! _But the trial's at 8:_30_!"

"Yoshi is aware," Yoshi bowed his head. "Yoshi is stalling everyone down at Lake Delfino- he has enlisted the help of the one who resembles Mario Mario, but is not Mario Mario!"

"The one who... huh?"

XXXX

Snake, Sonic, and DK were all staring at the spectacle 'Mario' was making of himself, casually doing double dutch with the assistance of Kirby and Meta Knight while singing out, "Who's that girl next door, living in a haunted mansion? Better learn my name 'cause I'm Ashley!"***

"Is it just me, or does Mario seem... taller?" Sonic muttered to DK.

"And thinner," Snake agreed.

"And his neck seems quite a bit longer, too," DK agreed.

"Go, go, go go Mike!" Kirby cheered, as 'Mario' continued with his own rendition.

XXXX

"Well, I appreciate it, Yoshi," Mario muttered, "but I'm not doing the trial. I can't- I've got no way to survive under the lake, I'll just have to forfeit."

"Mario Mario must!" Yoshi cried, tears on the verge of forming in his eyes. "Mario Mario has no choice! Yoshi knew Mario Mario was having trouble, but Yoshi and the one who resembles Mario Mario found the solution!"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait- how do you even know what the second trial _is?_" Mario stared.

"All the yoshis know- and Yoshi told the one who resembles Mario Mario! Mario must descend to the depths of Lake Delfino to rescue the Fair One!"

"Come again?"

"The Fair One, the Fair One!" Yoshi cried in distress. "Mario must rescue the Fair One from the zoras!"

"What exactly is this Fair One?" Mario wondered. Suddenly, it clunked into place– the only one Yoshi ever referred to as the Fair One was...

"The Fair One- the Fair One who provided Yoshi with the works of the Tolkien!" Yoshi cried.

"You mean _Link?!_" Mario gasped, leaping to his feet.

"They have taken the one they believe Mario Mario will miss most!" Yoshi nodded earnestly. "Mario must do the second trial to rescue the Fair One!"

"Alright, I'm all over it," Mario felt a sudden transformation from dread to solid determination. "What's this solution you and Lu found?"

"Mario Mario must wear this throughout the trial!" Yoshi grinned, looking much happier now that Mario had caught on to the seriousness of the situation. He produced from the pocket that he apparently has... a mask. A blue mask with black eyes and strange teeth, with no immediately obvious means of fastening itself to one's face.

"Um... the heck is that?"

"A Zora Mask!" Yoshi explained quickly. "If Mario Mario wears the mask, he will have the powers of a zora- including the ability to breath underwater!"

Mario hesitated for one more brief moment. "Yoshi... you're certain about this?"

"More than certain! The one who resembles Mario Mario agrees- this is the best way!"

"Alright, then let's roll," Mario took the mask and tucked it in his pocket.

"Yoshi cannot," Yoshi shook his head. "Yoshi must return to the kitchens before he is missed- but Yoshi is glad to have assisted Mario Mario! Please, go and rescue the Fair One!"

Abruptly, a series of shards appeared around Yoshi, assembling into what resembled an egg, enveloping him and shrinking into nothingness. Mario, however, had seen that before- the dinodragon's method of teleportation. He had more important things to worry about- like hustling down to the lake, ASAP.

XXXX

"This here is Mona's Pizza!" Luigi sang out, even as his lungs tore at him. His inner Phys Ed major was yelling at him: _Feel the burn, sucka! Feel the burn! Beat that pain barrier! You're doing this for Mario, remember?! _"Makers of the world's best pizza!"

Nevertheless, he felt a seeping relief through his body when he spied the real Mario Mario tearing down the hill at top speed. "Just a second, guys, we can start the trial in a minute- I just need to go number 1 real quick..."

Everyone averted their eyes with a disgusted look on their faces as Luigi made his way behind a nearby bush.

"You're a godsend, Lu," Mario smiled.

"Always glad to help," Luigi returned it. "Alright, you got the mask?"

"Yeah, I got the mask."

"Showtime!"

Mario leapt out from behind the bush. "Boom, baby!" he called, assuming the same 'here I am' pose Simon had introduced himself to the school with. "Come on, let's get this party started!"

Despite his faux enthusiasm, his nerves were returning as he advanced to the dock the rest of the contestants were crouching over- he sure hoped this mask thing worked properly. He eyed the other contestants, trying to see what they were planning on doing. Hmm... Sonic had some sort of glass-dome container in his hands, and DK was hefting around a large wooden box. Snake didn't seem to have anything special with him, but he was pretty sure he had _something _up his sleeve...

Ballyhoo grinned jovially as he bounced down to greet them all. "Hey, hey, hey, finally ready to go there, Mario?"

"Yeah, I was having kind of a weird morning, but I got over it," Mario shrugged.

"All of you know what you'll be doing?" Ballyhoo looked around at them all, pleased as they all nodded with varying degrees of enthusiasm. "Alright, then, let's get going!" He produced his usual amplified amplifier and bellowed through it, "Welcome, one and all, to the second trial of the Console Games! Last night, our contestants all had something vitally important to them taken! They must now dive to the bottom of this lake to retrieve it! Simple? _No! _They have but one hour to make their way through all the hazards of the lake and infiltrate the zora city! Let's all wish them luck as they embark on this perilous journey! One... two... three!... Is when they'll dive, okay?" He turned to smile at the contestants, only to see that they'd already jumped in. "Well, okay, I guess that works, too..."

The water pierced Mario's skin like knives as it enveloped him. He tried to keep his eyes open, but that didn't go so well- he couldn't even locate the other contestants. Well, here went nothing... he produced the mask and pressed it against his face.

Immediately, the mask began to extend, wrapping around his head and clinging on tightly. He grasped at the seams, but the seams had disappeared- the mask had fused with his own flesh to _become _his own flesh... for a moment, he felt pain course through him as transformations took place all over his body... fins pushed out of the back of his arms and legs, the back of his head extended out greatly, developing a fish tail while it was at it, he grew taller and more muscular...

XXXX

"Can you see him, can you see him?" Luigi asked nervously as he, Kirby, Meta and a select other group of friends of the contestants huddled around the dock.

"I lost sight of him, but last I saw, he looked like he was having a seizure or something," Kirby looked genuinely concerned.

"Holy Wave Existence!" Luigi recoiled in horror. "I killed Mario!"

His dread suddenly disappeared, however, as the surface was breached, and a flash of red and blue flew up into the sky- they had just enough time to see the strange figure was wearing a red cap before he plunged back into the depths. Kirby and Meta whooped up a storm, and Luigi nearly collapsed from sheer relief.

XXXX

Mario eyed his new body- it was mostly blue, but the tips of the fins and the tail on the back of his head- he could see it if he twisted around fast enough- faded to a deep red. He felt his head, and was relieved to find his cap still there. He had fully become a zora.

Everything seemed so much different now- the depths of the water no longer seemed different- now it all seemed like home. A home where he was free from the bounds of gravity, free to move up or down or float around at his own whim. The water was no longer deadly cold- simply pleasantly cool... he could get used to this. It felt so wonderful he found himself doing a few loop-de-loops.

"Nice loop-de-loops, there, mister!" came a nearby voice, and Mario turned to see a pair of fish swimming by- one small and green, the other larger and yellow. The larger one seemed to be the one who'd spoken. "Say, do you have a clock?"

"Well, I have this watch," Mario shrugged, producing the watch from his wrist that he'd been wearing since the first story- a broken-down piece of crud passed on to him by the Smiths... of course. It was permanently stuck at the same time. "Hope you don't mind that it's broken..."

"Oh, that's okay, he didn't say it had to be a _working _clock," the green fish put in.

"Who are you talking about?" Mario asked, confused.

"Ray!" the yellow fish smiled. "He told us to give him a clock, and he'll give us the SuperDuperDookaBookaPolyGizmo!"

"The... the Superwhatywhatwhat?"

"The SuperDuperDookaBookaPolyGizmo!" the green fish repeated.

"The Super...Duper...Dooka...Booka...Poly...Gizmo," Mario sounded it out.

"Now you've got it!" the yellow fish nodded, swimming forward and taking the watch. "We need the SuperDuperDookaBookaPolyGizmo to help us find Grandma Grouper's Kelp Treasure (TM)!"****

"If you say so," Mario shook his head. "Say, you wouldn't happen to know where the zora city is, would you?"

"Wild night last night, huh?" the yellow fish smirked slightly. "Yeah, it's down that way. But be careful if you're heading there- there are a lot of weird people going that way today- we just saw a giant monkey riding a swordfish!"

Mario raised his now-non-existant eyebrows. "Okay..."

"Yeah, we thought it was weird too," the fish acknowledged. "Hope you find your way back home! Bye!"

Mario stared after them as they swam off, before finally coming to his senses and taking off in the direction they'd pointed him in.

Swimming as a zora was truly wonderful- he was skipping along the water like a dolphin. Fish would occasionally swim by, butnone of them felt like stopping to have a conversation. For the first several minutes of the trial, he was on his own- no sign of DK, Snake, or Sonic. No sign of Link, the zoras, or- knock on wood- the Bloop. Somehow, he didn't think the Bloop would be overjoyed to see him again after the last random quicky.

The first bit of intrigue came as he was swimming over a deep dark crevice. He brushed it aside as a possibility for the location of the zora city- far too narrow. However, as he swam over it, he felt something wrap around his leg. Quickly, he spun around... to see a blooper wrapping its tentacle around him. A much smaller, but much more annoying version of the Bloop, the bloopers were squid-like torpedoes of hatred that seemed to guard the depths of the lake- or so Mario seemed to recall from his textbooks.

Quickly, Mario reached to his head- yup, his hat was still there. He went through the usual motions to summon a fireball- but instead of fire, an orb of swirling, boiling water gathered in his hand. Odd... but he wasn't going to question it. He tossed it at the blooper as hard as he could, and the blooper squealed in pain, retreating as fast as it could.

You ever heard the term, 'Cut off one head and two more shall take its place?' Well, that was an _extreme _understatement in these circumstances- an entire flipping _army _of bloopers emerged from the crevice to avenge their fallen brethren. Mario simply shook his head _no, _turned, and took off in the opposite direction.

Unfortunately, it didn't take long for them to catch up with him, and they began wrapping around him, tying him down, forcing him towards the bottom of the lake...

Alright, final smash time. He summoned the happiest thought he could think of- celebrating his victory with Link, Zelda, and Roy at Kurain next weekend! That was pretty darn happy... it was filling him up...

A burst of boiling hot water rolled off of him, and the bloopers recoiled. If they could talk, they'd probably be cursing him out right now. He smirked as they retreated back into their crevice. He raised his arms in the air. "Hail Hydra, smeggers," he taunted.

"You sure showed them," came a chuckling voice from behind. Mario spun to see the Poe hanging lazily in the water, made more visible by his ever-swinging lantern.

"Oh, hey, how's it going, Poe?"

"Ah, it's been going pretty good... you know, being dead and all. You still haven't come to visit me, but again... I don't blame you, I'd imagine you've been pretty busy. Anyways, I'd imagine you've gotten yourself a tad turned around, huh?" Mario nodded, realizing it just as the spirit said it. "Yeah, that's about what I figured... I don't care much for the zoras, they're total tools- so I'll point you in the right direction. You want to head that way, straight as you can- you'll know the place when you see it. Trust me. I won't be going with you, though- the little winnicots like to mock me when I tell them about the Patriots..."

Mario gave a 'what-ya-gonna-do' kind of shrug and swum off in the recommended direction.

Swimming, swimming, and more swimming. If this was a game, this would probably be the longest level, and the most annoying- then again, at least the swimming controls were fantastic. Be the dolphin, be the dolphin, be the dolphin...

And then, floating through the waves, he heard the sound of a song being played- a slow, jazzy, instrumental tune- an eight note melody with a rather interesting harmony. Turning to follow it, he narrowly managed to hide from the Bloop just as a gigantic city rose over the horizon- made of massive skyscrapers, constructed from stone in a way that strongly resembled New York City- if New York City were a series of underwater monoliths. A sign nearby welcomed him to the city of Rapture, though he'd never heard of such a place...

And then the zoras appeared. They all strongly resembled him, albeit with larger tails on their heads and stronger-looking fins- but hey, he was readily willing to admit he was just a poser, here. They watched him with pure black eyes as he swam by, some looking amused at his choice of how to get down here. He eyed them nervously in return, half-expecting them to interfere, but they made no moves to do so. They simply sat and watched as Mario made his way through their city. He couldn't help but think that Ballyhoo may have played up the danger involved here a tad...

And finally, he found them. In the middle of the city, about where Central Park would be in New York proper, was a large statue of a great... being. A gigantic fish with eyes staring in opposite directions, overlarge lips covering up sharp teeth, and wearing a strange crown of some kind. And tethered to it, using it as an anchor of sorts, were...

"Link!"

And not just him, either... alongside him were three others- Zelda, Pauline, and a boy he didn't recognize- a bespectacled, roughly shaven youth with brown hair and a white lab coat. None of them seemed to be conscious- they were all floating there, not making any motions to escape.

Mario kept his eyes on the zoras as he made his way towards the statue- surely, the other shoe was about to drop... but no, they still held back. He arrived at the prisoners with no trouble whatsoever. But now... how to sever these bonds...

Actually, now that he thought about it, it seemed pretty obvious. Take the rope, apply a generous amount of heat...

He wrapped his hands around the rope and warmed up his hands as much as he could- even underwater, the rope was reduced to ash in his palms. Link casually floated free, coming to hover right next to him. Mario double-checked to make sure he wasn't going anywhere, then turned to Zelda's rope and began to warm it up as well.

_Now _the zoras moved- and dang fast at that. After all, if swimming was easy as a zora for Mario, a beginner, it had to be cake for them, who'd had experience since... well, since birth, basically. They grabbed him and pulled him away from the rope. The leader, an odd fellow with a guitar shaped like a fish skeleton slung over his back, shook his head. "Save your own hostage. Can't have you interfering with the trial for the other contestants, you know?"

"And leave my friend behind?" Mario objected.

"You've already saved your friend- move along, you're in first place!" the guitarist insisted.

"She's my friend, too!" Mario raged. "Nobody dies on my watch, got it?!"

The zoras burst into laughter, and he couldn't blame them- where the smeg did _that _come from?

He didn't have to worry about it for long, though- several of the other zoras were getting excited. Mario turned and saw quite a sight coming towards them- just as the fish from the beginning had intimated, there was a great ape riding on the back of a giant swordfish. Every now and again, the swordfish would blow a giant bubble and carry DK through them, replenishing the simian's oxygen supply. He made his way right to the statue, grabbed Pauline's rope, and tore it apart through sheer strength. He turned to Mario, raised a finger, and tapped his wrist before wrapping said arm around Pauline and riding the swordfish back up to the surface.

Mario understood- time was running out. He looked at his own wrist to check the time- oh, wait. Yeah- he'd just given his watch to those strange fish. Not that it had worked anyways...

Well, that just left Sonic and Snake. Mario gazed around for them- surely they wouldn't abandon their missions, either?

Well, Sonic certainly wouldn't- it was only a few minutes later that the blue blur finally put in his appearance, except... he was no longer blue. He was a gleaming shade of yellow, and from the waist down, his body had transformed into a drill, which he was using to tear through the water at breakneck speed. A large 5 appeared over his head, and rather stressful music followed him- until he produced another glass-domed container and opened it up. Two things came out- a strange creature that flew into him, causing a mysterious voice to call out, "Drill!" as Sonic turned an even brighter shade of yellow and sped up in his water-drilling, and a bubble of air that seemed to refill the hedgehog's lungs, giving him what he needed to plow deeper into the city. Run-on sentence, anyone?

He flashed Mario a grin and a thumbs-up as he drilled right past him, tearing right through the ropes binding Zelda, turning around, grabbing her arm on a second pass, then turning upside down and taking off back up to the surface.

Which just left... Snake. But squint all he could, he couldn't make out the dark shape of the Sohnee mercenary- he was simply nowhere to be found. If he was going to come and save this other boy, the one in the lab coat... well, come on, hustle a bit!

Minutes passed, the zoras eyeing him but doing nothing to stop him from just sitting there- if he wanted to throw the match, that was his prerogative...

Finally, after what seemed like a few eternities, Mario lost it. "Smeg it, smeg it, smeg it!" he growled, turning to the rope keeping the lab-coated boy tethered to the statue. He reached out to grab it, only to have his hands smacked away by the zora guitarist.

"What did I just say?" he said reproachfully.

"I'm done- _we're _done," Mario growled. "Stand aside before I have to burn everyone here." As he spoke, he summoned a wall of burning, boiling water to protect himself. The zora backed off slightly- apparently, they'd never had to deal with a pyromancer before...

"You... you can't just..."

"I clearly can," Mario grumbled, grabbing the rope. "If you have any objections, kindly deliver them to someone who gives a smeg. In the meantime, I'll be making sure nobody dies."

A flash of anger went through the zora's eyes at Mario's rudeness, but he didn't dare approach the solid wall of boiling H2O. Mario grabbed Lab-Coat-Boy's rope and burned it to cinders, tossing them to the side and grabbing both his arm and Link's before taking off back towards the surface. He swam as hard as he could, but it was much more difficult going with two people- imagine that, traveling with a burden is more difficult than traveling without! Life lessons from Mario Mario. Thankfully, the mask had yet to give out- but neither Yoshi nor Luigi had mentioned whether this thing had any sort of time limit on it... for all he knew, he was swimming on borrowed time right now...

He could see the light above him- the light of salvation... just a little further, just a little further...

And he breached! It wasn't nearly as magnificent as at the start of the trial- he only came out of the water up to his chest this time around- but to him, it felt much, _much _better. Looking around, Mario saw that he wasn't the only zora that had exited the water- several others, including the guitarist, had breached as well, but they no longer looked nearly as hostile.

Mario turned towards his two rescuees- the boy in the lab coat- Snake's hostage- was looking around nervously. "Where am I? What happened? This reminds me of that anime from the other night..."

Link, meanwhile, was coughing and hacking up a great deal of lakewater. "When I find out... who's idea this was... I'm gonna use them... as the pedestal... for my flipping sword!" he grouched. Turning to Mario, however, he smiled. "Glad to see you pulled through, brah! But... what's with the scientist over there?"

"Snake's hostage- Snake never came," Mario explained.

"That's what she said," Link smirked, only to give a small 'ouch!' as a bolt of overheated water- not quite boiling, but certainly uncomfortable- hit his leg.

"I couldn't just leave him," Mario finished.

"Taking the song a bit seriously, huh?" Link continued smirking. "What, you thought the Master Hand would legitimately agree to a tournament where people might die because someone failed a task?"

Mario turned as bright red as his hat- or he would have, were he not a zora, which the still half-asleep Link seemed to finally be catching on to. "Incidentally... did you do something... with your hair?"

"Oh, you just now noticed that I solved the trial by shaving myself bald?" Mario snarked. Turning to Lab-Coat-Boy, he patted him on the back. "It's alright, you're safe now. Let's head to shore, shall we?"

At the dock, it didn't take long to locate Nurse Tessie fussing around all the contestants and their hostages, placing warm towels on them all and forcing a great deal of medicine down their throats- for what purpose, Wave Existence alone knows. The headmasters, along with Rob and Ballyhoo, stood there as well, greeting the contestants as they returned. Noticing Okami Amaterasu was absent, Mario looked around for her- to see her fighting with Snake, dressed in full smasher SCUBA gear, struggling to dive into the water. "You don't hold me back, old woman!" he bellowed, looking both furious and frightened beyond all belief. "Otacon's in danger down there! I need to get down there, I don't care if the flipping time limit's up! OTACOOOOON!"

"SNAAAAKE!" Lab-Coat-Boy burst out, swimming harder than before as he made his way towards the dock.

"Otacon!" Snake gasped, bending down and helping the boy up, where they embraced tightly. "I thought I lost you... I requipped into this, just like we planned... I was swimming around down there when this flippin' torpedo came out of nowhere and broke my tanks- I had to come back up for more, but then, they wouldn't let me go back down..."

"It's alright, Snake, it's alright," Otacon spoke soothingly, patting his comrade on the back. Mario blinked- never had he seen Snake looking so afraid- so prone.

Tessie, meanwhile, took advantage of his distraction to force some medicine down his throat. "Yo!" he yelped. "Is that really necessary?"

"It is if I say it is!" Tessie's tone brooked no argument.

He was next accosted by a great bearhug, courtesy of Snake. "You saved him!" the well-muscled student cried out. "You looked out for Otacon when I couldn't, even when you didn't have to!"

Zelda blinked as she stared over at him. Mario responded with a look that said, 'I'll explain later.'

"I take it all back," Snake grinned at him, slowly returning to his usual demeanor now that his friend was safe. "You... you're pretty good." As he spoke, he raised his hands in the customary gesture- and never before had it held so much meaning.

"I helped too, you know," Link muttered irritably. "Swam him back to shore and everything..."

"And you're not half bad yourself, green man," Snake grinned at him.

"Incidentally... are you ever going to take off that mask, Mario?" Zelda asked, approaching.

"Oh, right," Mario realized he was still wearing the strange piece of headgear. He reached behind him, about where the seams would be if they hadn't disappeared, dug his nails into his skin and pulled. Miraculously, not only did it not hurt, as they moved forward, the seams reappeared, his fingers digging into them, and he felt the transformation undoing itself the further off the mask went, until finally, there he stood, feeling much colder than before, a sopping wet teenage boy carrying a ridiculous-looking Halloween mask in one hand.

"You're such a klutz sometimes," Zelda smiled.

Sonic didn't seem too happy about being ignored. "Hey, Zelda, where did you pick up that potato?" he asked, in a bid for her attention, reaching out and picking up a potato caught in a crevice of Zelda's towel.

"Oh, yeah, that is weird," Zelda agreed, taking the spud and tossing it into the lake.

Mario, meanwhile, was talking to Otacon, who was reminding him vastly of Luigi, really. "You see, Snake's a nice guy, down in his heart... he just doesn't get much of a chance to show it off to anyone- I think I'm the only one who gets to see it, most of the time."

"I think I caught that, yeah," Mario smiled.

"He's got this big, thick, hard shell on the outside," Otacon summed up, "but he is... he's gooey on the inside. Like melted marshmallow."

"Yo, don't be giving away too many of my secrets, Hal," Snake objected, though still with a smile on his face.

Mario felt much like he had back at the Kurain Christmas party, and had a sudden whim, which he acted on immediately. "Hey, everyone who was in the lake, gather round!"

"What is it? What's going on?" Pauline asked, still shivering from her excursion.

"Just trust me on this one," Mario shrugged. Slowly, they all gathered around him, in a mass group hug- where he initiated a burst of body warmth. Everyone let out a content sigh as the warmth passed around to them all- a true blessing after the cold lake-bottom.

They were jolted out of this truly cheesy scene as Ballyhoo raised his amplified amplifier once more. "LAAAADIES AND GENTLEMEEEEEEEN! The results are IN! The leader of the zoras, Mr. Mikau, has told us everything that transpired beneath the waves today! Let's get started with the results, shall we?

"To begin with, we have Mr. Solid Snake, who showed true innovation, re-quipping into smasher SCUBA gear for his dive to the bottom! However, due to... technical difficulties... he was forced to withdraw. Good hustle there, my boy, but we had to take off some points for that- you get 25 out of a potential 50."

"Which is thirty more than I deserve," Snake shook his head, looking regretfully at Otacon, who gave a small smile and patted him on the back.

"Next up, the king of the jungle, Mr. Donkey Kong! He brought in a bit of outside help- the help of an animal comrade, Mr. Engarde! Not Matt, thankfully... however, swift though he was, he was just a _minute _too late, returning 61 minutes after the trial was first initiated! However, for his efforts, he has earned 47 points!"

A scattering of applause, but Mario's stomach had abruptly hollowed out. If DK had been past the time limit, he could only imagine the low score he'd get...

"Mr. Sonic the Hedgehog utilized a form of wisp energy to conquer his phobia of the water, drill through to the zora city, and rescue his hostage! Again, good hustle, but his getting lost along the way means we must penalize him 10 points, for a respectable score of 40!" More polite applause. "And finally... Mario. Mario Mario.

"Mario Mario utilized a zora mask to utterly _dominate _this trial. True, he _did _return last, but if Mikau is to be believed, this is due to his determination to ensure _all _the hostages were returned to safety, rather than solely his own. The majority of the judges..." A cold stare in the Master Chief's direction left no one in doubt as to which judge, "feel this represents exactly the kind of moral fiber and comradery the Console Games were formed to promote, and award him full points for his efforts... but after deductions from his time bonuses, Mr. Mario Mario receives... 45 points!"

Mario's jaw dropped- he wasn't sure whether to feel proud or embarrassed as Link and Zelda began whooping up a storm. "Well, how d'ya like that?!" Link cheered. "Stupid, nothing- you're just Mr. Moral Fiber and Comradery!"

Snake was certainly applauding harder than Mario would ever have found conceivable, as was Otacon, and DK was giving him a polite golf clap... but Sonic didn't seem nearly as excited. He was attempting to re-initiate contact with Zelda, but was routinely unsuccessful.

"The final trial now approaches!" Ballyhoo announced, his grin returning. "The contestants have shown their wisdom in solving this conundrum of a trial, and thus, we will be giving them the tools they need to _power _through the third and final trial, coming up on the twenty-fifth of June! One month prior to the event, our contestants will be filled in on what the final trial entails, and left to prepare for it in any way that they see fit! Thank you all for your support, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism..."*****

As he wrapped up, Mario tuned him out. Finally over. It was _finally _over. It was all he could do to hold back another final smash, he was so happy. Nothing to worry about for nearly three months... three months to just kick back and relax for the first time in quite a while...

Right then and there, Mario decided, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the next Kurain trip would include quite the shopping spree at Hoarder's book store, all for the benefit of a certain green dinosaur-dragon hybrid.

_XXXX_

*A saying, in German, my Dad picked up in the army, and has since become a family saying. Translates as 'Not No Train Station,' with even more terrible grammar than what you think. My family uses it basically as another way to say, 'Yeah, no.'

**Thanks, Chugga, for introducing me to _Majora's Mask, _my second favorite Zelda game, next to _Twilight Princess._

***I listened to this song a great deal as I was writing this chapter. One of my favorite WarioWare songs, and not just because my first girlfriend was named Ashley.

**** Wow, I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel if I'm referencing _that. _Also, I have a confession... when I was writing that part, I was looking for excuses to type out 'SuperDuperDookaBookaPolyGizmo.' Such a fun word to say- try it at home!

Yeah, Otacon's my favorite Metal Gear character- probably because he's very me. And... wow, did I seriously just finish this chapter? I was just sitting down to write for a bit, planning to hammer out some ideas but not really finish another full chapter- let alone a _trial _chapter- and yet, here I am, finally looking at what I've written, and I have another full chapter to put up for you guys! Hope you guys liked it, as always! To let me know for sure, though... _*****_accepted, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	32. Strider's Tail

Gamer4 in, and before anyone asks, yes, the title of this chapter was spelled that way intentionally. Switched out my _Treasure of the Rudra _screen for a _Live A Live _screen... again. Because it's so important for you guys to know what game I'm playing on the side. Actually, I'm hoping a friend of mine might lend me his copy of _Donkey Kong Country Returns _soon... just because I want to get a little more familiar with said ape before... things. Anyways, before I drive my foot any further into my mouth, let's hop to the next chapter!

Disclaimer: The world always changes around us, but weakness will always remain! Through all the pain, believe in who we are right here and now!

XXVII

Strider's Tail

What followed was a pretty good week in Mario's book- he even drew an Ocelot gesture in his book to prove it. On top of the trial being complete at last, Link and Zelda's role in said trial meant that they were receiving just as much fame, if not more, over the event than Mario was- which was just fine by Link. That said, Mario couldn't help but notice a trend whenever Link related the story of exactly how the kidnapping had gone down- initially, he seemed to be telling the full truth- at least, it matched up with Zelda's version of events, for what it was worth- but with every retelling, he seemed to embellish the story more and more, until, by the end of the week, the yarn he was weaving was a grand, _James Bond-_style tale of political intrigue, grand conspiracies, and multiple brushes with the end of the world, all within the night and day of the second trial. Most of the mansion, Mario included, found it amusing, if not all that believable. Zelda, however, seemingly grew more and more agitated every time she caught him at it, until one day, she burst and shouted, "Oh, will you shut _up _already?! You're starting to sound like the freaking Poe!" After which Link always made sure to check to see if Zelda was in earshot before relating the story again.

Yeah, the week wasn't as kind to Zelda as it was to the others- she was undergoing a great deal of teasing, both of the more friendly sort, (i.e., roasting from the Faron twins,) and of the more hostile kind, (i.e., from the Dark Trio,) over having been the one Sonic would miss the most. As a result, she was very keen to kill any conversation about the trial whenever she heard it coming up.

The weather was somewhat indecisive as winter died out, making room for spring to take its toll. The rain that had been assailing the mansion ceased... in exchange for biting winds that gnawed at all but the most heavily-dressed residents of the mansion- which didn't happen to include Mario. Heck, Zelda would routinely shift into Sheik for maximum body coverage whenever she was forced to go outside- and it still didn't help all that much.

Partway through the week, another letter from Roy came through, though the albatross that brought it took off immediately after being relieved of its burden- apparently, it found the idea of going out into the series of tornadoes forming outside somewhat unnappealing.

Roy's letter was pretty dang short again.

_The fence on the opposite side of Borscht Inn, end of Kurain. Meet me there at noon- bring as much food as you can._

"All the way back to Kurain, huh?" Link smiled at the letter. "Reckless as ever, huh?"

"Oh, you are in _no _place to talk," Zelda retorted with a smirk on her face.

Link smiled at her as well, but then turned his face to Mario's, which still looked brooding. Correctly guessing the cause, he patted his friend on the back. "Chillax, man! Strider's an _expert _at dodging anyone who's coming for him! There's no way he'll let himself get caught!"

"I... I guess so," Mario agreed, still feeling somewhat uneasy. He was still conflicted- he was still concerned for Roy's safety, but at the same time, it was good to know that he was so near in case something went wrong- which, at this school, seemed to be just about other day. And Link was right, really- if Roy had gone uncaptured this long, perhaps there wasn't as much reason to worry as he thought... And, considering that today's first class was _power-ups, _he definitely had enough to worry about as was. "Yeah, you're right," he smiled. He allowed himself to give in to the cheerful side of the situation and kept that cheer in him as they finished breakfast and headed down to the basement...

Where that cheer was swiftly put to its first test as they spied the Dark Trio huddled around something they couldn't see just outside the door. That sniggering and guffawing didn't bode well...

"I fully acknowledge in advance that I'm likely to regret asking this," Mario sighed as he approached, "but... what's the joke?"

"Take a gander at the latest from the greatest!" Bowser chuckled as he produced the article that they'd been examining- a magazine. (Har-har.) The front of it showed a blond, smiling woman, and emblazoned across the top was the word _Cosmopolitan. _

"Well, Bowser, I'll admit I never expected you to sink _this _low," Mario muttered. "I never expected you to be the type who reads this stuff."

"I usually don't," Bowser shrugged, "but this one's got one _gem _of an article in it!"

"I'm sure it does," Mario mumbled.

"Page 13, in case you were wondering!" Bowser specified with that crud-eating grin firmly etched into his face.

"Great, great," Mario brushed him aside, flicking through the pages, only taking a brief respite when Wolf appeared at the door to let them all in. The Golden Trio took their usual spot at the back of the class, and finally found the article they were searching for.

"Glados?" Zelda blinked in surprise, looking at the name of the article's author. "Glados writes for _Cosmopolitan?_"

"And suddenly it all makes sense, huh?" Link noted darkly. "Alright, what's she got to say this time?"

_The Notebook of Mario M. Mario_

Mario Mario is truly an extraordinary youth, (writes Glados Johnson, newcomer to our writing staff,) however, this does not exempt him from the usual pains associated with coming of age. This poor young boy has been utterly deprived of love ever since the deaths of his blood parents, Haruhi and Tamaki Suoh, fourteen years ago, and if this were not enough, anytime he appears to discover one who offers solace, it is too often for their own ends. Such is the case with one Zelda Hyrule, his girlfriend throughout his school years- or so it would seem.

It would appear that association with Mario has given the young Ms. Hyrule a taste for basking in reflected glory- and Mario's is no longer enough to sustain her. Ever since sports hero Sonic Hedgehog arrived at their school, Zelda has been easily going between the two, playing both for fools. In fact, Mr. Hedgehog has already invited Ms. Hyrule to his homeland, which is... quite the distance from Ms. Hyrule's.

Could it be Ms. Hyrule's natural good looks and a winning personality that has won both these boy's affections? Dubious.

"On a scale of one to ten, she rates about... a negative three," is what the lovely young Maria Sheikah has to say on the subject. "But she _is _one of the best students in the school, and she's got _mad _connections... I wouldn't put it past her to be making or buying some... illegal drugs, shall we say? It wouldn't be the first time..."

Such things are, of course, morally abhorrent- even the rather questionable headmaster of their school would never endorse the use of such drugs. There is little doubt that he must investigate these claims with all due haste. In the meantime, those who want only the best for young Mario are left hoping desperately that he will soon see through this girl's lies, and find a woman more worthy of his affections.

"What did I flipping say?!" Link moaned as they finished up the article. "Look what she's done- she's making you out to be some kind of... some kind of..."

"No, go on, I can't _wait _to hear how you finish that sentence," Zelda smirked at him.

"Oh, you know what I mean!" Link threw his hands in the air. "Do I really _have _to say it?!"

"No, I don't suppose so," Zelda shrugged, crumpling up the magazine and tossing it over her shoulder- it landed a good foot or so to the left of the garbage can, but good hustle anyways. "It doesn't bother me that much, to be honest- it's an article right up to _Cosmopolitan's _standards, I'll say that, though."

Mario couldn't help but allow a smirk to grace his own face as Zelda fired some wonderfully snarky body language over at the Sierrans, who'd been watching intently for her reaction. They seemed utterly flabbergasted at seeing her not break down in tears. "Say, Zelda, if you _were _drugging me, you'd tell me, right?"

"Shut up," Zelda smiled at him as she took the lead in getting ready to prepare the power-up of the day- a Cola Bottle, a remarkably useful item capable of either enabling one to move dramatically faster for a brief amount of time, or dealing heavy damage in combat. "That said, Glados did get one thing right..."

"Not the names of Mario's parents, that's for sure," Link snorted. "You'd think a self-proclaimed 'greatest journalist of the modern age' would think to actually do her research every now and again..."

"I think we've established that that's not her style," Zelda brushed aside. "No, what really bugs me is that... well..." Mario and Link stared at her- she was turning red and keeping her gaze fixed on their ingredients, refusing to look either of them in the eye. "...how did she know about Sonic?"

Link dropped the glass bottle he'd just been preparing to make into the almighty power-up- it landed on the ground, where deep cracks formed through it- though not enough to make it shatter.

"Yeah..." Zelda steadfastly refused eye contact, rubbing the back of her neck. "It was right after the second trial, a minute or two before Mario popped up... he asked if I was doing anything over summer vacation, and if not, would I like to see Mobius, and..."

"_And?!_" Link asked urgently, as though this was the most important question asked in the past four stories.

"And how could Glados have known?" Zelda elaborated. "I know for a fact she wasn't there- she's not easy to miss, you know... the best I can think is that she has a blanket like Mario's, that she did a bit of stealth reconnaissance... but at the same time, Mario says Simon can see through those, and there's no way he wouldn't have-"

"But what was your answer?!" Link asked, still more urgently. Mario was seriously wondering where he was finding the urgency to keep adding to his voice. "He asked you over to Mobius, sure, but _what did you say back?!"_

"Well, I didn't give him an answer right then- just before I could, you, Otacon, and Mario all popped up, and from there, I was too busy trying to see if-"

"I don't doubt that your social lives are important to you, you three," came a cold growl from up above, "but they are not the subject of my class. Ten points from Nintendo."

The three closed their eyes, turned their heads upwards, and opened them to see a furious grey anthro towering over them. His eyes roved around the classroom, seemingly looking for something else to punish them for. "And _littering, _Ms. Hyrule?" he growled out, crossing to the crumpled wad of paper laying forlornly next to the garbage can. "A greater crime I couldn't conceive of- can't let you do that, Hyrule. Another ten points from Nintendo. And I can only assume you were reading it under your desk before you threw it, so... another ten points for that. Hold up!" He raised a claw in the air as he recognized the magazine in question. "I retract that last deduction- it truly _is _important for Mario to keep up with what the press are saying about him, after all..."

Mario scowled- he knew that returning those last ten points was only in exchange for doing something much, _much _worse, and sure enough, he picked up the magazine, flattened it out, and began reading the article out loud. "Oh, dear, Mario, you just can't seem to catch a break, can you?" A nasty, sneering smirk crossed Wolf's face as he dove right in.

Mario's face turned a deep, deep shade of red as Wolf plowed on through- a shade of red matched only by the shade appearing on Zelda's face- it hadn't been so bad the first time around, but something about Wolf's voice and tone just made it a hundred times worse.

"Such a tear jerker," Wolf conlcuded, crumpling the paper up once more and tossing it over his shoulder- this time, it landed dead center in the garbage can. "No sarcasm intended, I haven't felt this much urge to cry since the first time I played through _Mother 3. _However, the lesson today _is _somewhat more critical, so if you don't mind, I must break apart the trio of lovesick puppies. Faron, you're fine as is. Hyrule, over there with the Sierras- I'm sure Sheikah will keep a good eye on you." Zelda gulped as she eyed the aforementioned girl, who was suddenly smiling nastily and cracking her knuckles. "And as for you, Mario... I would trust watching you to no other- up front, right in front of me."

Mario was struggling not to summon fire as he packed up his things and stomped up to the front. Wolf took his place behind his desk and watched as he began unpacking and working on his Cola Bottle anew.

"Just when I thought your head couldn't expand any further," Wolf snarled, just quiet enough for no one else to hear him. "Awfully eager to rush in to interviews with that wretched robot, are we?"

Mario refused to answer- he wasn't giving Wolf the satisfaction. If he said anything in return, Wolf would have all of Nintendo's points by the time the morning was out. Must... resist... straight-manning... must... resist... straight-manning...

"The rest of the world certainly seems to be besotted with you," Wolf acknowledged, "but your powers of persuasion don't work on me- I'm immune. I see you for what you truly are... a wretched creature who considers the rules to be little more than his playthings."

Oh, the snarks he could make with that one... but he must resist...

"This is your last warning, Mario," Wolf growled, voice becoming more dangerous than ever before, "regardless of what the _Fourside Tribune _would have to say about it, if you break into my office one more time-"

Mario snapped. "A well-put-together argument, _sir, _with one minor flaw- I haven't seen the inside of your office since the Sky Runner incident two stories ago!"

"Don't lie to me," Wolf snarled, apparently too angry to take offense to the snarkery. "Gold dust... red essence... star eggs... and deku baba seeds, for good measure? Why so interested in transformo-candy all of a sudden, Mario?"

Good thing Mario had mastered his poker face over his ten years of living with the Smiths- no other way to enjoy himself and keep it hidden from them. And, in reality, he still wasn't lying- he'd never stolen anything from Wolf. Zelda _had _taken all those things- two years ago- for the purposes of interrogating Bowser on suspicion of opening the Dungeon of Secrets... but as far as Mario knew, that was the first, last, and only time such a thing had occurred. Better play dumb.

"Transformo-candy?" he asked, a questioning look appeared on his face. "Never heard of it- I think I'd prefer skittles myself."

"I know you were out of bed that night, Mario!" Wolf broke, a truly ugly look taking his face. "You broke into my office and took the ingredients necessary to create transformo-candy! It seems you have managed to win over even Simon Belmont, but your charms do not work on me! Break into my office again, and _there will be consequences!"_

"Yeah, sure," Mario muttered, his straight-man side winning over at last. "I'll keep that in mind in case I ever get a hankering for transformo-whatsit."

Wolf's eyes turned red. He dashed across the room to his office, and was back momentarily, regaining his composure as he crossed the room, a little bottle in his hand. Mario, legitimately curious, examined the bottle closely- it contained a strange, blue substance. As Wolf approached, he crooned out, "Know what this is, Mario?"

"Blue chu jelly?" Mario shrugged- he couldn't begin to guess what Wolf was doing now.

"One of the most common types of power-ups," Wolf began, "is EVE hypo- it is exceedingly efficient at what it does. This particular type of hypo is simply known as 'Truth.' As the name would imply, it is the most powerful power-up dedicated to forcing smashers to spill out their darkest secrets- caught off guard, even the Great Darkness would be unable to throw off its effects. Of course, the government keeps a close watch on all forms of EVE hypo, and this brand in particular... but that said, if my office is broken into again, and you find your morning Mountain Dew tastes a little different than how it usually does... now you know why."

Mario refused to show the nerves he was suddenly feeling on his face. He didn't like the sound of this one... and he had no doubts that Wolf would be fully willing to use it against him. He was, of course, telling the truth about not breaking into Wolf's office, but there were plenty of secrets he'd rather keep in his own head, thank you very much- just look at the trouble Zelda would get into if he revealed the truth about the transformo-candy incident. Holy Wave Existence- what would happen if he found out about Roy? And that was without bringing in more minor things- how he'd really solved the puzzle of the orb, his true feelings for Pauline Dama...

His thoughts were interrupted with a knock on the door. Before anyone had a chance to answer, the door had already swung open, revealing the spacesuited figure of the Master Chief standing there. "We need to have a talk, Wolf," he spoke immediately.

"We'll talk after this class," Wolf waved him aside. "I'm busy at the moment, in case you hadn't noticed."

"We'll talk now," the Master Chief retorted, agitation evident in his voice. "Sorry if it seems like I don't trust you, but you've run away from me one too many times for me to be entirely comfortable-"

"After... this... class," Wolf enunciated slowly and powerfully. Even the Master Chief was cowed, slinking to the back of the room and waiting for the proceedings to finish.

Now Mario was intrigued- the Master Chief was scared of something, that much was obvious... but what? And why did he seem to think Wolf could help?

Mario kept an eye on the clock as the lesson progressed, and, as the last minute ticked away, he 'accidentally' knocked over his jar of the secret ingredient to coca-cola, and subsequently, the most vital ingredient to the Cola Bottle- the *REDACTED.** Under the pretext of cleaning up after himself, he produced a washcloth and bent down to mop it up.

Thankfully, amidst the bustle of a departing class, no one seemed to notice. Wolf simply turned to the Master Chief and growled out, "So, what's so important that you needed to corner me in front of my students?"

"You know, Wolf- don't pretend you don't," the Master Chief shot back. If Mario wasn't mistaken, the Master Chief had actually removed the right gauntlet of his spacesuit- or sleeve, but gauntlet's just a cooler word. "You'd have to be more oblivious than that wretched hand not to notice-"

"Silence!" Wolf abruptly interrupted, eyes darting from side to side.

"You won't escape me this-"

"I'm not trying to!" Wolf raged, turning to under Mario's desk, where Mario was still crouched down on the ground. "What- are- you- doing?!"

"I accidentally spilled my *REDACTED*," Mario shrugged, lifting up his washcloth to show it dripping with the stuff. "Thought I'd stay back a little to clean up."

The Master Chief quickly re-applied his gauntlet, not allowing Mario to see what lay beneath, and stormed out of the dungeon. Wolf furiously pulled out his blaster, pointed at the puddle of *REDACTED* and pulled the trigger. A burst of light, and the remaining *REDACTED* had vanished. "Now get going," Wolf snarled. Mario didn't need to be told twice.

XXXX

The day of the Kurain trip dawned, bright and cheerful. Not too hot, not too cold, and not overly humid. It didn't seem like anyone was missing out on the chance to visit Kurain in this weather- everyone was making their way down to the village today. Mario, Link, and Zelda were initially joined by Luigi, who Mario insisted on buying a drink or two at the Colony 6 grill and bar in return for helping him out during the second trial. Luigi blushed and shook his head, but Mario insisted. While they were there, Luigi had met up with Lucina and her crew, whereupon he subsequently joined them, leaving the Golden Trio free to purchase as much food as they could carry from Sharla and head back out into the streets.

Their next destination was Hoarder's Book Store, where they had some fun choosing from a vast diversity of reading material for Yoshi, from A to Z Mysteries, to Lovecraft, to Shakespeare, to Goosebumps, before settling on the entire Warriors collection. Those of you unfamiliar with that series may not realize the... *_ahem,_* _gravity _of that decision, but believe us, Yoshi was certainly getting quite the _hefty _reward for his assistance.

Finally, they headed to a nearby map-board of the town, which pointed towards Borscht Inn being on the outskirts of the village- pretty much right on the edge. They followed the map's advice, and eventually came to the inn, which featured a sign starring a large tomato, swinging in the light breeze. A man dressed in a hoodie, beanie, and jeans stood out front, wiping off the windows. He turned to look at them as they passed by- his face was only very roughly shaven, but aside from that, Mario couldn't shake the feeling that he'd seen him somewhere else before... Well, either way, he didn't pay them much attention, turning back to the window and continuing to scrub, allowing them to pass by unhindered.

Nearby was a fence, and the most prominent feature of this fence, at the time, was a large wolf, casually sitting on the other side. Mario felt a burst of nostalgia as he leaned over the fence and watched the wolf look up at him, cocking its head to the side. Why did this feel so familiar again...?

The wolf's unnaturally-blue eyes glimmered- it bit down further into the rolled-up newspaper it was holding in its mouth, turned, and beckoned with its tail. Mario, Link, and Zelda jumped the fence and followed it across a field and into some nearby trees.

For a while, they followed it along what seemed to be a nature trail of sorts. Next to a tree with a large, blue trash bag attached to it, the wolf abruptly departed from the trail, making off into the forest. Eventually, another trail began to form, this one leading up, up, up, up the side of a mountain.

They followed him up for a while, before he suddenly took a hard right, seemingly going directly into the mountainside. However, as they caught up, they could easily see the truth- there was a small crevice, leading to a substantially larger cave. Wasting no time, they ducked in after him.

On one side of this cave was a large, majestic, red bird- Epona the Loftwing. She turned to gaze at the Golden Trio as they entered her territory, scrutinizing them closely. Link was the first to advance, keeping his eyes on her as he bowed low, before straightening up again. Epona examined him for a moment longer, before spreading her wings and sinking into a return bow. Link smiled as he approached and began stroking her. "Love this bird- she's so beautiful."

Zelda nodded as she went through the same routine. Mario, however, had eyes only for the wolf, which had suddenly disappeared to be replaced with a tall man in blue armor, a red cape of sorts, and equally-red hair, falling shaggily down his back. "What... what's that you got there?" he asked, looking at the bags slung over their backs.

"Oh, we thought we'd bring some food in just to taunt you with," Mario smirked.

"My boy, you're my godson, and I love you, but if you did that, I'd have to kill you," Roy smirked back, advancing on the bags and opening one up to reveal a meal of chicken strips and potato wedges from the Grill and Bar. He wasted no time in ripping it open and biting into one of the strips. "Mmmmm... Wave Existence, it feels good to be eating proper food again, you don't even know..."

"How goes the hunt for Mumkhar?" Mario asked.

"Not good," Roy admitted around a mouthful of potato. "I thought I found a few leads, but the trail was going cold anyways by the time I got your letter- the one you sent in the summer. From there, I rushed over here right away."

"Yeah, been meaning to ask about that... why _did _you rush over here?" Mario asked, trying not to sound too critical of his godfather.

"Because Jake and Sarah trusted me to protect you- and I'd hate to fail their expectations," Roy answered easily. "No need to worry, Mario- as far as Kurain knows, there's just a lovable, domesticated-yet-abandoned wolf that sauntered into town one day- no one knows the truth."

Sighing at Mario's resolutely serious face, he continued. "Alright, yeah, you got me, there's more to it than that. I wanted to be on the scene here- this is where all the intrigue is. I've been snatching every issue of the _Fourside Tribune _I can, and the plot just keeps thickening..."

Mario refused to let him change the subject. "And if someone recognizes you?"

"Who's gonna recognize me?" Roy waved him aside. "The only people who know I'm a slider are friendly to my predicament."

"Some interesting headlines on these papers," Link noted, poring through Roy's collection. "_Manfred von Karma- where is he now?... Adrian Andrews, government worker, still missing eight months on- President Tate now personally involved."_

"Let me see that," Mario came over and looked over the paper himself. "What were you saying about von Karma? Hasn't been seen in public since Halloween... house deserted... the hospital refuses to comment... Government refuses to confirm or deny rumors of illness..."

"It almost sounds like he's dying," Zelda commented, crossing the cave from Epona.

"But his condition can't be _that _critical," Mario noted. "I mean, he managed to get all the way up here just a week or two ago..."

"But according to Rob- my brother, Rob, he works as von Karma's personal assistant-" (Link explained for Roy's benefit)- "he really _has _been getting sick..."

"I guess it's just his _karma _for firing Birdo," Zelda snarled, to Mario bending over double, groaning like she'd punched him in the stomach. "Probably starting to regret it now- bet he's starting to really appreciate her now that she's gone-"

"Oh, don't get started on SOYLENT again," Link shook his head.

"What do old movies from the 70's have to do with this?" Roy asked.

"Oh, nothing, it's just the name she gave to this organization to liberate yoshis- she's completely obsessed-" Link started, but Roy interrupted again.

"And... von Karma fired his yoshi?"

"Yeah, at the Grand Prix," Mario explained, still struggling to climb back to his feet after Zelda's pun. "Just about when the Mark of the Emissary got fired into the sky..."

As he told the whole story, Roy abandoned the food for the first time so far, and began pacing restlessly around the cave. "So, just a few things I want to clear up," he spoke as Mario concluded his story. "The first time you saw Birdo was in the stadium, saving von Karma a seat- one of the best seats in the house. That right?" The Golden Trio nodded. "But von Karma never turned up?"

"Something about being too busy," Mario agreed.

Roy's pacing increased in... pace. "Mario... do you know for certain that you had your hat after leaving the match?"

Mario thought back, straining his brain as much as he could. "No... no, now that I think about it, I couldn't say that for certain... I wasn't even thinking about it until we were in the forest. You think that's where whoever summoned the Mark got my hat from?"

"I'm not saying anything for certain," Roy shook his head, "but it's definitely a possibility."

"It wasn't Birdo!" Zelda objected. "I'll keep saying that 'til the day I die, Birdo did _not _steal Mario's hat!"

"And Birdo is the only possible suspect?" Roy turned to her, a question mark in his eyes. "Wasn't there anyone else in the seats around you?"

"Oh, yeah, that place was crowded," Mario nodded, ticking names off on his fingers. "Olimar... the coach of the Mobius Smash-Up team... the Dragmires..."

"And _bam, _there you go!" Link spoke up loudly. "All this farting around, all this mystery, and the answer was staring us in the face the whole time- it was Ghirahim Dragmire!"

"Another possibility, but only conjecture at this point," Roy nodded. "Anyone else?"

"Well, there was Ballyhoo," Zelda noted thoughtfully.

"M. C. Ballyhoo?" Roy asked, to further nods. "Don't know much about him... old brawler for the Mushroom Kingdom's Smash-Up team, but aside from that, I've got nothing. What's he like?"

"He's a cool guy- pretty solid," Mario shrugged. "Keeps offering me help in the Games, though- thought that was kind of weird."

"I'd say so," Roy nodded, a frown forming on his face. "Did he ever bother to say why?"

"Something about it being a dramatic underdog story," Mario shrugged again. "I don't know, maybe he just saw one too many Rocky movies before organizing the Games."

"You know, he _was _in the forest with us- we saw him just before the Mark got fired," Zelda recalled.

"True," Link acknowledged, "but he didn't stick around- headed straight back to the campsite once he found out about the Starmen, remember?"

"Or so he said," Zelda countered. "Can we really know where he headed in that hat of his?"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Link said exasperatedly, "you're saying _Ballyhoo _summoned the Mark?"

"More likely him than Birdo," Zelda affirmed stubbornly.

"Freaking yoshis, man," Link started to groan, but Roy intervened, cutting them both off and turning to Mario.

"Now, when they found Birdo, what did von Karma do?"

"Really giving us quite the cross-examination, aren't you?" Mario muttered. "Let's see... he went into the woods himself to see if he could find any other suspects- but he didn't."

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Roy nodded, resuming his pacing. "It could be anyone, anyone but his precious yoshi... and that's when he fired her?"

"Yep," Zelda nodded, heat rising in her voice. "That's when he did it- fired her for being afraid, firing her for not staying in her tent and getting destroyed by those freaks-"

"I can't help but feel we're straying a little off-topic," Link objected. "We're trying to figure out what was up with the Mark, not the ins and outs of yoshi rights-"

Roy shook his head. "This could be more important than you think, Link- Zelda's actually got von Karma's number, I'd say. If you really want to know what a person's like, looking at how they treat their superiors or equals won't cut it- you need to see how they treat those inferior to them." That said, he raised a hand to his face, clearly thinking hard over everything he'd been told. "These... these things you say von Karma's been doing... they don't sound like him at all. Orders Birdo to save him a seat at the Grand Prix, then never shows up. Jumps through all sorts of hoops and red tape to bring back the Console Games, then... apparently, coming to that isn't worth his time either. It's... it's _incredibly _OOC. And if all my time on fanfiction and TvTropes has taught me anything, it's that OOC is serious business. Something tells me that before this, von Karma could have been vomiting up blood, he'd still suck it up and head into work anyways."

"You sound like you know him," Mario noted.

A truly ugly look passed over Roy's face- for a moment, he looked just like he had a year ago, back when he was still the cold-blooded murderer the papers labeled him as. "Oh, I know him, alright," Roy nodded. "He used to be a prosecutor, you know- one of the greatest. Any defendant in a trial run by him was doomed to be guilty- no matter what. He never had a defendant go free- not once. He's the one who prosecuted my case, as a matter of fact- and that time around, my case never even got to trial."

"Say _what?"_ all three of his visitors united in outrage.

"I smeg you not," Roy shook his head. "He was the fiercest prosecutor around- there's nothing he wouldn't do for a guilty verdict. But at the time, he seemed like a breath of fresh air- a strong, great smasher who could stand against Tabuu himself! He was all set to become the next president, as a matter of fact. He's very powerful- and always hungry for more." Correctly reading the expression on his guests' faces, he quickly elaborated. "Never a starman, mind- he truly _did _hate the Evils, but even among those who hate the Evils... well, it's a little complicated for your age level..."

"You sound like my Dad," Link objected. "'You can't know the full story, you're too young...' why not give us a shot?"

Roy smiled. "Alright, I'll do my best- try to follow me, a'ight?" More pacing. "Okay, imagine that Tabuu was never ousted- he's still in power. His supporters could be anyone- in fact, because he's so proficient in mind control, it's fully possible that his supporters are staring at you out of the mirror. There's no way of telling a good smasher from a bad one, and no way of telling those who truly believe in Tabuu's ideals from those being coerced, tortured, or mind controlled into it. Every issue of the Tribune brings news of more death, more disappearences. The Government doesn't know what to do- they're fumbling around, doing what they can to track the smegger down, and keep it all from the muggles... but the muggles are being killed off, too, despite their best efforts. Nothing is certain, the person smiling at you across the table in the morning might be planning to put a knife in your back in the night... terror... uncertainty... confusion... that's what it was like.

"I'm sure you've heard that crises bring out the best in some and the worst in others. For von Karma, it was both. I don't pretend to know what he was like before his rise to power, but that rise changed him. His talent in smashing and prosecution alike sent him skyrocketing through the Government's ranks- it wasn't long before he was the Chief prosecutor, which left him with quite a bit of power he probably wouldn't have gotten otherwise. And from there, he cast aside all thoughts of civil rights- he was the one who gave hunters the option to kill if they deemed it necessary. He pushed through all sorts of laws that Orwell would have had nightmares over- through his badgering, plenty of suspects were sent straight to Subspace without a day in court. He entered a sort of arms race with Tabuu- every time Tabuu sunk to a new low, von Karma was determined to sink lower. It got to the point that it wasn't completely clear what really separated the 'good guys' from the 'bad guys' anymore. That said, it didn't tarnish his reputation- like I said, plenty of people were rallying around him, thought he stood the best chance against Tabuu. And just when things couldn't get any better for him, Tabuu fell one Halloween night-" Roy nodded at Mario- "and now, it seemed certain! The time to vote for a new president was coming up, and von Karma was a shoo-in... until a rather unfortunate event occurred..."

"A wide window?" Link guessed. "A miserable mill? An ersatz elevator?"

"No, no, and no," Roy shook his head. "The final case that von Karma ever prosecuted... the case of the State vs. Franziska... von Karma."

"_Franziska _von Karma?" Zelda gasped. "You don't mean... his _daughter?_"

"You got it," Roy nodded, throwing a chicken strip to Epona. "I'd imagine that was a bad day for old Manny, finding himself in that position. I don't know if she was actually guilty or not... if she was, don't pretend to know why she did what she was accused of... in fact, I'm not even certain what that was. It all happened after I was arrested- the things I'm telling you now? I found out long after the fact. She was definitely with people that I know for certain were starmen, but as for young Franziska... I couldn't say for sure. Either way, that was the last case he ever prosecuted."

"Because he threw it to get her off?" Zelda guessed.

Roy let out a humorless laugh. "And here I thought you were the one who had this guy figured out- Manfred von Karma? Throw a case? Unthinkable- he could never tarnish his trial record! Manfred von Karma threw everything away for the sake of ambition... you saw what happened to Birdo when she tied him to just the Mark, let alone having a starman in his family tree! He gave her a trial... but that's about as far as his affection went. Even then, he went out of his way to make sure her state-appointed lawyer was some two-bit quack who never questioned anything he said- sure, she got a trial, but in the end, it was just a formality. She was doomed from the moment she was arrested."

"Holy Wave Existence," Mario was truly stunned.

"Yes," Roy agreed. "I saw her coming in- this young girl- not much older than you three, here- short, ice blue hair, being dragged through Subspace by a pair of floows... the look in her face... she'd already given up, so devoid of hope... she was in a cell next to mine. Tried to strike up a conversation a few times, but she never talked back. And then, one day, I woke up with this strange smell coming from her direction, and..."

He didn't need to finish the sentence. They could piece together what had happened from there.

"She was far from the only one," Roy eventually continued. "Not many people live to die of natural causes in that place. Von Karma attended her funeral- on Prison Island. Didn't even have the decency to take her body back to the mainland. His wife, Yui... she didn't survive long after that. Way I hear it, she took her own life not long after- couldn't stand what had happened.

"And that was just about the end of von Karma's reputation. Just when he'd been about to win a unanimous vote to become president of smashing, it all came crashing down around his ears- daughter dead, wife dead, reputation buried in the mud... once the 'witch hunt fever' died down, people started to really look at Franziska, and wonder how the daughter of such a law-abiding citizen went so wrong. The conclusion is that he was one gigantic _wanker _of a father- his nickname went from the Prosecutorial Terror to Gendo Ikari. Way I hear it, he didn't get a _single _vote in that election- everyone turned to Olimar Tate instead. Not necessarily as competent, but several times more likeable. And just when things couldn't get any worse, people started questioning all those trials he'd won... just how many terrible things had he done as a prosecutor? In the end, he even lost that job he'd kept so jealously, and was shunted over to the Department of International Relations."

Mario turned all this over in his mind. He'd thought von Karma looked severe, but this...

Recalling something, he spoke up again. "According to Simon, von Karma's obsessed with catching evil smashers."

"I believe it," Roy nodded. "Couldn't say for certain, of course, but if you wanted my opinion, he thinks catching another evil smasher might earn him back a bit of the glory days."

"And he was investigating Wolf," Link smirked, turning to Zelda. "TAKE THAT!"

"Yeah, about Wolf..." Roy nodded, "something about that story doesn't make sense... if he was really so keen on investigating that fleabag, why do it so secretly? Just being here for the Games would be an ideal excuse to keep an eye on him."

"So, you think Wolf might really be hiding something?" Mario asked, but Zelda spoke up before Roy could.

"For crying out loud, enough about Wolf! The Master Hand trusts him, end of story!"

"Or not," Link shook his head. "The Master Hand's a cool guy, that's for sure, but that's not to say he can't be fooled- remember Mewtwo?"

"But if Wolf is really this big, evil smasher, why go out of his way to save Mario during the Smash-Up game? The one where Mewtwo cursed his kart, or whatever?"

"I miss my Flame Runner," Mario noted sadly- the Wild Wing was an awesome kart, after all, but it hadn't yet built up the history with him he'd had with the Flame Runner.

No one else was paying attention, though- Link followed up with, "Well, maybe he thought the Master Hand would get suspicious-"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK, ROY?!" Mario raised his voice, pointing everyone towards their red-haired host.

"You've both got some good points," Roy spoke, hand up to his chin. "I wondered why the Master Hand would trust him so much- he was more into the Evils than Mumkhar, and we know how _he _turned out... Wolf knew more about the Evils when he first stepped into that mansion than most students in their senior year know, and he was very friendly with a group of students who turned out to be the earliest form of the Starmen... Lololo and his sister, Lalala, from Hal... the Labrynnas, a married couple... I know for sure they're all in Subspace... as far to my knowledge, though, Wolf was never even accused, which was quite an accomplishment. Not that that means much- plenty of Starmen managed to duck under von Karma's witch hunt."

"And he certainly doesn't want people knowing that he knows the Master Chief," Link mused.

"Oh, that reminds me!" Mario burst out. "Forgot to tell you guys," he looked apologetically at Link and Zelda, "but that day, when the Master Chief burst in on Wolf, I stayed behind- wanted to see if I could hear anything interesting. Something about Wolf avoiding him... and then he took of his armor's gauntlet, and showed him something on his arm!"

"His... his arm?" Roy asked, bewildered. "What could that be about...?"

"No idea, but it definitely happened," Mario confirmed.

More thinking from Roy. "Hmmm... well, Zelda's still right about one thing- the Master Hand trusts the fleabag, and somehow, I can't see the Master Hand trusting somebody like that unless he wass 100% certain. He's still a total winnicot, of course," (earning smiles from Mario and Link,) "but a starman? I'm not so sure."

"Then why are Simon and von Karma so interested in him?" Link countered.

"Well, as far as Simon goes," Roy mused, "he probably checked and double-checked everyone as soon as he got here."

"That's what I said," Zelda muttered.

"Simon's a person who takes the Evils dead serious," Roy continued. "I doubt he trusts anyone, but after all he's been through, I can't really blame him. But he's a good person, I'll say that much- rough around the edges, but he never killed if it was avoidable. He only ever killed if there was no other way out of whatever situation he was in. He had strong moral principles, refused to sink to the Starmen's level for the sake of bringing them down... but in the case of von Karma... well, he's another matter altogether. No matter which way you slice it, it just makes no sense- if he really _is _sick, why's he so desperate to get all the way up here to Wolf's office? And if he's not, why's a workaholic like him suddenly playing so much hooky?"

A long silence- it seemed like even Epona was deep in thought over this one. Finally, Roy broke it. "You say your brother works for von Karrma directly? Maybe you could ask him about what's going on?"

"I'll give it a shot," Link shrugged, though he didn't look hopeful. "Just try to avoid sounding accusatory- he'll clam up as soon as I even imply I think he's not completely on the up-and-up."

"And while you're at it, try to find out where they are with Adrian Andrews- do they have any leads?"

"Not according too Ballyhoo," Mario put in.

"Yeah, so I hear," Roy nodded. "Glados wrote quite the extensive article on the subject. Of course, it's Glados, so you've got to read between the lines if you want to know the truth, but she quotes Ballyhoo as talking quite a bit about what a klutz she is. Of course, it's been years since I spoke to her, but the Adrian Andrews I knew was actually pretty smart. Clumsy, yes- she was infamous for being all thumbs and having _three _left feet- but an idiot, she wasn't. She absorbed information like a champ- her flaw was not knowing how to keep that information to herself."

Suddenly looking up out of the cave's mouth, Roy asked, "Anyone have the time?"

"Hmm... about 4:30," Zelda examined her watch.

"Alright, you should probably get going," Roy dismissed them. "But first, listen up: no sneaking out to see me, okay? It sucks, but for now, we'll have to stick to written communication. Keep me up-to-date, but leaving the mansion without permission is just begging for our mysterious contest-enterer to come out and attack you."

"For now, I'm pretty safe, if you ignore the Meta Dragon and a few bloopers," Mario shrugged.

Roy didn't smile. "I appreciate the effort, but I'm being serious here. We can joke around when this whole gong show is over. You haven't been referring to me by name whenever you talk about me, have you?"

"Nah, we've been calling you Strider."

"Good- keep it up. Just a sec- I'll escort you to the village."

A popping sound, and the wolf was back. They followed him down the mountainside, through the woods, and back into Kurain, where he finally let them go outside the Borscht Inn.

"Wonder if Rob knows all that about von Karma?" Link mused as they made tracks back to the mansion. "Then again-even if he does, he probably doesn't care. I mean, we're talking about a robot with a stick up his butt at _least _the size of Bionis's leg- he'd probably admire him for so adamantly following the rules."

"Oh, come on, Rob wouldn't throw his own family into Subspace!" Zelda objected.

"I don't know," Link shrugged. "The way he talks to Kirb and Meta sometimes..."

_XXXX_

*Sorry, had to pull that particular word out at the behest of Coca-Cola Inc.

Alright, wrapping this one up- I'm trying to keep to a schedule of at least 1, ideally 2 chapters a week. Next time, I think we'll have a random quicky- last big chance for one before everything starts coming together for the climax. Wow, almost done- and only almost a year later! But given how long this story is, that's still much better mileage than the gong show that was _Dungeon of Secrets. _That was the worst... anyways, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	33. Random Quicky: Clash of the Farons

Gamer4 in. Well, today's just been one giant gong show after another. My car's battery died, my morning milk was spoiled, my cat's leg is seriously injured, so he needs to be taken to the vet, and my sister rage-quitted from fighting the Wise Gremory. *Sigh.* So, in my down time, I thought I'd calm my nerves a bit by getting an early start on this chapter. Shout-out to _Ouran High School Host Club, _one of my favorite animes- the fifth episode of which inspired this random quicky, as should become pretty obvious, pretty soon. Even in my darkest times, that show typically manages to get a smile out of me. Alright, let's get started!

Disclaimer: Raise one hand to the sky! Raise them both, lift them high, and through the darkness, we will stand! The time to start is now, and I can show you how! Come with me and the world will be even bigger than ever before!

Random Quicky

Clash of the Farons

Mario woke up that morning with an ominous feeling in his gut- he couldn't tell why, but he felt like a storm was coming. It was Saturday, so he took his time dressing up and heading down to the Dining Hall, where Link and Zelda were already awaiting him. "Hey, Mario- something up?" Link asked, noticing his friend's nervous expression.

"No, just... just a bad feeling," Mario shook his head. "Kind of like the feeling I had just before I first-"

"Hey, guys! Hey, guys! How's it going? Can I finally be in the story?"

"-met that winnicot," Mario finished under his breath, taking the lead in turning to see the tall, faceless man behind them. "For crying out loud, go _home, _Slendy! Seriously, just go home!"

"But my home's in Alabama!" the Slender Man objected.

"Well, you can hardly argue with that one, buddies!" came two new voices- the voices of the Faron twins, approaching with amusement in their eyes as they took in the abnormally tall being.

"Yeah, see? They get it!"

"Don't care, you're still not getting a part in this story," Mario crossed his arms.

"Hah!" Slendy laughed. "Joke's on you! I was just asking for old time's sake! Because the truth is- I've already _got _a role coming up in this story!"

"You _what?" _Mario asked flatly- Link and Zelda were determinedly ignoring the no-faced man.

"Yeah, went to the Master Hand and asked him about it- he said yes! He found a nice role for me, said it would make a nice surprise when we got around to it!"

"But you're not from a video game- you're from a creepypasta!" Mario objected.

"What, so I should never be allowed to make an appearance here?" Slendy retorted. "I hate creepypastas anyways- they scare me. Cursed pictures, guys with knives, sleep experiments... who wants to get caught up in all that?"

Ignoring the Faron twins getting a nasty light in their eyes and dashing off at this, Mario continued the debate. "Well, you, apparently- you sure don't do much to convince people that you _don't _belong in a creepypasta."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Slendy crossed his arms. "But just so you know, I was planning on giving this to you as a gift if you gave me a part in the story! Too bad, huh?"

He produced from his suit's pocket a small doll of some kind- a white figure made of what appeared to be clay, with abnormally tall proportions and no face to speak of. "And... what exactly is that?"

"One of my patented summoning dolls! All you have to do is draw a picture of someone you hate on the back, leave it next to their bed, and one of my proxies will sneak in in the middle of the night and-"

"And we really don't need to hear the rest of that sentence," Mario raised his arms in an X. "And you wonder why everyone thinks you're so creepy... why you thought that would tempt me, I have no-"

Abruptly, the Slender Man let out a bloodcurdling screech, turned, and dashed out of the hall so quickly that Sonic raised his eyebrows at the spectacle. Mario glanced around for the reason, and sighed as he saw Kirby and Meta Knight wearing masks- one of Jeff the Killer, and the other of the infamous image.

"You guys, that wasn't very nice," Zelda turned to them with a frown. "I know he can be annoying sometimes, but slender men are people too, you know! Just because he doesn't have a face-"

"Come on, guys, take off the masks before she starts another social movement," Link pleaded, prompting the twins to sigh.

"Alright," they shrugged forlornly, tearing off the paper on their faces. "It's just that things have been so boring around here since the second trial!"

"Says you," Mario muttered, pouring himself some cereal.

"Maybe things would be more interesting if you joined up with SOYLENT," Zelda suggested.

Link was ready to facepalm, but to his surprise, Kirby and Meta Knight actually looked thoughtful. "You know... an idea occurs," Kirby noted.

"Uh-oh," Mario couldn't help grunting.

"Yeah, I think I see what you're getting at, Kirb," Meta nodded. "How's about we cut ourselves a deal, Zelda?"

Zelda narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "What?"

"We'll team up with SOYLENT," Kirby began, "on one condition!"

"Y'see, now that we think about it, you and Mario have spent a lot of time over at good ol' Ordon Cottage," Meta continued.

"And we've been over to Mario's house twice now," Kirby nodded.

"But we've never gotten to see yours!" they chorused. "How about it? We'll join your club if we get to visit your house this summer!"

"Yeah, not gonna happen," Zelda shook her head, turning to her morning milk.

"Ah, come on, and you were getting on _us _for not being very nice!"

"You're not coming over to my house, you two," Zelda shook her head. "I know what you're like- I let you come over, you're just gonna troll me the whole time. Besides, I've never been to Mario's house, either!"

"Believe us, you're not really missing anything," Kirby and Meta Knight spoke in unison, this time joined by Mario. Mario dropped out as the twins continued. "Ah, come on, we'd love to see what a house looks like when it's owned by a muggles who _aren't _total winnicots!"

"Not happening," Zelda stood firm.

"I don't know, Zelda," Link smirked, taking his brother's side for once. "Sounds like it might be a-"

"And you can go soak your head in a bucket of ice water, Link," Zelda shot back scornfully. "The only one of you I'd trust in my house would be Mario, and something tells me he doesn't care!"

"Not a flying crud," Mario concurred, swigging down the milk in his bowl, colored up from the froot loops that had been there until so recently.

"Harsh," Kirby tilted his head at Mario. "Didn't expect you to be so cold about it."

"Ice cold," Meta nodded.

"Colder than the Phendrana Drifts," Kirby agreed.

"Or even colder than Frost Island," Meta put in.

"Nah, Phendrana Drifts is _way _colder than Frost Island," Kirby waved aside.

"You kidding?" Meta objected. "We've been to both those places, remember! You got through the drifts just fine, but when we went to Frost Island, we got so cold your-"

"I thought you said you wouldn't talk about that anymore!" Kirby interrupted, turning a deeper shade of pink than usual. Zelda blinked- one of the Faron twins... blushing? "That's more embarrassing than the shoehorn incident..."

"It wasn't that bad," Meta shook his head. "If you guys wanna talk about embarrassing things that happened to Kirb, we should tell you about back in Egypt, when-"

"No, no, no, no, _no! _You said we wouldn't talk about that anymore, either!" Kirby turned even pinker. "Come on, man, you're kind of being a prick right now!"

"What, I'm the Werecat King, being a prick's my prerogative," Meta shrugged.

"What's this whole 'Werecat King' thing about?" Zelda asked, confused. "You guys have been talking about it for a year now, and I still don't-"

"Later, Zelda- the twins are talking," Kirby raised a hand. "So, what? Just because you were the Werecat King in that stupid made-up story, you think you're better than me?"

"Are you kidding? We're _twins- _we're totally equal!" Meta smirked. "Though I _will _say that I was born a good three minutes earlier..."

"Oh, like that freaking matters!" Kirby objected, a slight note of anger crossing his face. "You have so much more experience than me, gotten in just three minutes!"

Meta seemed taken aback. "Calm down, bro, it was just a joke."

"Well, how come _I _always have to be the butt of our jokes when Link isn't around?!" Kirby objected. "Never see _your _head on the chopping block, do we?"

"Oh, come on, name one time I've picked on you!" Meta shot back. "One time!"

"Let's see," Kirby's voice dripped with sarcasm. "'Kirby's not gonna do jack _squat, _he's too busy updating his twitter that he just a hot pocket...' sound familiar?"

"One light-hearted jab!" Meta objected. "That was one light-hearted jab! I bet you can't name one really _malicious _joke I've made about you!"

"That's just because you make so many that I've lost count!" Kirby yelled back.

"That doesn't even make sense!"

"Oh, really? Well, in that case, you can go hammer a Pikachu, because as far as I'm concerned, we aren't twins anymore!"

"Fine!"

"FINE!"

The two were still scowling as they stalked off in opposite directions. Mario remained calm as he crunched on some toast, but Zelda was baffled as she stared at them. "What... just happened?"

XXXX

What followed was a very awkward day indeed. None of the Golden Trio had classes with the Faron twins, of course, but any time they saw them in the hallways, they were stalking along next to each other, glaring as if to burn holes into one another. Half the time, Zelda expected to see knives flying out of their eyes. However, things reached a pinnacle of sorts at lunch, when the three of them sat down at the table, only to be joined by a mysterious puffball with violently purple skin. "Hey, guys, how's it going?"

"Um... Meta?" Zelda asked, a question in her voice.

"You got it!" the purple puffball nodded. "Thought I'd do something to stand out from that overly-sensitive winnicot, Kirby, you know? Don't want people treating me like a fragile piece of glass because they think I'm him."

"Oh, hey, Zelda, what's going on?"

Zelda closed her eyes as she turned to see Kirby standing there- his skin turned bright yellow. "Poyo!" he greeted. "How's it going? I just wanted to apologize to you for all that smeg earlier- that Meta really ruined your guys's breakfast, huh? Winnicot."

He made to sit down next to them, but Meta spun around and inhaled, sucking his yellow brother into his mouth and spitting him out as a star that flew across the hall until it slammed into a wall, reforming into Kirby. "Why don't you smeg off, you yellow suck-up?" Meta asked scathingly.

"Oh, what, so you can try to get them into _your _good books?" Kirby glared back. "Winnicot!"

"Insufferable simpleton!"

"Boo-f^ #ing stalfo!"

"Floppy-sworded gerudo boggerer!"

"Undead resk-" Kirby was kept from finishing this one as a nearby cupcake went flying into his face.

"Where did you get that?" Mario asked, staring around. "I don't see any other cupcakes around-" He was forced to duck as a bowl of soup came flying in his direction- it was on the point of hitting Meta, until said twin dove behind Link, using him as a meat shield.

"Nice try, Kirb," Meta taunted, "but as Sonic the Hedgehog would say... you're too slow!"

As he spoke, he grabbed a nearby plate of ribs right out from Kumatora's grasp and winged them at Kirby as hard as he could. "HEY!" said pink-haired tomboy objected.

Kirby dove to the side, snatching a banana out of Diddy's hand just as he was about to bite down on it, and in true cartoon fashion, squeezed the ends, causing the fruit within to fire at Meta like rather starchy bullets. Meta ducked out of the way, prompting them to fly into Kumatora instead. This time, she snapped. A giant cloud of thunder formed over the table, crackling with lightning as the young woman leapt to her feet, fire in her eyes.

"Alright, you two, time to end this! You are both going to sit down right _now, _unless you want some electric enemas!"

Kirby and Meta stared at each other for a second, then crossed their arms. "Hear that?" Kirby shot first. "She was talking to you."

"She was looking at you when she said it, so she was talking to _you, _you idiot!"

"Well, you're twice as much of an idiot as I am, moron!"

"I know you are, but what am I?"

A bolt of lightning slammed down between them, sending them both backwards, showing their skeletons, cartoon style. "BOTH YOU IDIOTS SHUT UP ALREADY!" Kumatora raged.

XXXX

Zelda was hoping it would all die down by the end of the day, but nope- when they got to the hub, it was torn up, apparently as a result of them carrying their feud even up here. The rest of Nintendo was staring at them, not daring to draw too near. "Holy Wave Existence, why don't you two stop it already?!" Zelda shouted. "You're driving us all crazy!"

"_We're _driving _you _crazy?" Meta shouted at her, unadulterated rage in his eyes. "How d'you think _I _feel?! Every time I look in the mirror, I have to see that winnicot's face!"

"Took the words right out of my mouth!" Kirby agreed, reaching into his non-existent pockets. "In fact, you know what? We're about to settle this- right here, right now! Check out what I scored from the Slender Man!"

Everyone's jaw dropped as he produced a small white doll- the very doll Slendy had shown off to Mario that morning. Kirby smiled nastily as he took out a marker and began doodling on the back. "Just need to get your picture on here, slide it under your bed, and kablam! Better than any Death Note, wouldn't you say?"

Zelda burst. "You two stop right now!" She turned into Sheik, ran forward, and snatched the doll from Kirby's hand before shifting back to normal. "This thing is so stupid- why did you even start it again? You're making a mountain out of a molehill, and it stops right here- you don't drag something like this into a petty feud! Now kiss and make up already, or Wave Existence help me, you'll _never _see my house!"

Kirby and Meta stood there, shocked, for a moment... until their faces broke out into identical evil grins. "So... if we make up..." they spoke in unison, "we can visit you over the summer?"

An electric pulse seemed to cross the room as the two stood side by side in one of their trademark poses, smirking at the bewildered Zelda. "Wh...wh...wha?" Truly taken aback, she glanced at the doll, where were inscribed the words, _Show us on the doll where they touched you._

She dropped it to the ground. "You... you sons of..."

"Told you we were bored!" Kirby and Meta spoke in unison, smiles overtaking their faces. "Didn't have much _else _to do around here!"

"You winnicots," Link shook his head, just as taken aback as Zelda. "You total winnicots..."

"Well, we thought we'd show you and Mario how ridiculous _your _feud a few chapters back was!"

"Yeah, no, you were just trolling Zelda," Mario shook his head, glancing over at where said girl was still slipping into unconsciousness on the floor.

Zelda perked up, turning to him. "Wait... you didn't... you didn't _know, _did you, Mario?"

"Right from the start," Mario nodded. "Didn't you notice I wasn't doing anything about it?"

"I thought it was just your natural apathy..."

"Nope," Mario shook his head. "That excuse was _way _too half-baked to be a real reason to break them up. Lump that together with who we're dealing with here, and the conclusion was... kind of obvious."

"Well done, Mr. Mario," the twins applauded him. "But what about us ruining your meals?"

"Not concerned," Mario shrugged. "You'll get your comeuppance soon enough."

"Oh, yeah? From who?"

"From her," Mario shrugged, pointing behind them. They both turned to see a fuming Kumatora approaching.

"You...two... morons... made me... drop... my magic tarts!" she raged, electricity crackling through her hair.

"Suggest a hasty retreat, Kirb?"

"A big confirmation on that one, Meta," Kirby nodded, and the two took off through the portrait hole, Kumatora in hot pursuit.

"There's just one thing I don't understand," Mario concluded, picking up the doll on the floor.

"_One _thing?" was the general cry from the hub.

"What job could the Master Hand have possibly given the Slender Man?"

_XXXX_

A random quicky in the truest sense of the word- quick, and with little relation to the story at hand. One last breather before we get into the rather heavy concluding chapters of the story. Honestly, this is one that I've had in mind for a while, but haven't really had the chance to slip in until now. Yeah, this one was much easier to write than most other chapters- largely due to being much, much shorter- very quick random quicky here, especially when compared to _Winter of our Discotent. _*Shudder.* Fun to write, and hopefully to read, but _dang, _was that a long process. Anyways, I've worked off some of my stress, so hopefully next week will see a return to normal chapters- we're rushing off towards the climax, guys! Hope you enjoyed today's chapter, and to let me know, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	34. The DL-9 Incident

Gamer4 in! Just finished watching Psycho with my Dad- a first rate chiller with a movie buff to fill in all the background trivia for me! Not often that I get together with my old man and just lean back to watch a movie... Good day, good day... anyways, enough trying to turn my Fanfiction account into a Facebook profile- you're here for the next chapter, right? Well, Project Solaris aims to please- even if we're pretty abysmal about fulfilling our mission statement of, you know, actually writing Solaris... anyways, next chapter!

Disclaimer: The road that's gonna take me home tonight is just the same as always, led by the brink up all along the way, of the flicker from the street lamps fading!

Chapter XXVIII

The DL-9 Incident

And so it came to be that the Golden Trio's first activity the next day, (the day of the twins' feud, yeah,) was to write out a letter to Rob and head up to the aviary to deliver it. At Mario's bidding, they chose Parakarry for the job- he had a hunch that the albatross was getting antsy just sitting around. Well, until he saw Parakarry sitting in the middle of a half-circle table, wearing a visor-hat, smoking a cigarette, and dealing cards to the albatrosses gathered 'round, all pushing poker chips across the table.

"Get over here, you," Mario grumbled, pulling the bird towards him, grabbing the hat, and wrenching the cigarette from his beak. "Don't you know that smoking's bad for you?"

This has been a PSA brought to you by _Mario Mario and the Bottle of Lightning._

At any rate, Parakarry was eager to accept the job, so they tied the letter to his leg, and kept an eye on him as he flew off into the sky, waiting until he was out of sight to pull out another pack. And that, my friends, is how Mario's albatross became a smoking addict. Or something like that.

With this done, their next order of business was to rent a forklift so they could carry the entire _Warriors _collection down to where the yoshis worked- time for their favorite little green dino/dragon to claim his reward.

The yoshis in the kitchens were just as happy to see them as ever, and got right on preparing snacks as soon as Mario and co. suddenly appeared in their midst. As for Yoshi- what, you expected him to be _disappointed _in his gift?

"Mario Mario shows his goodness once more!" Yoshi got tears in his eyes as he exclaimed his joy over his large bin full of reading material. "An entire series- and the _Warriors _series at that! Mario Mario shouldn't have-"

"Honestly, I'm not sure it's _enough_," Mario smiled and shook his head. "You save my life, and this is all I can give you? But I'll call it even if you say so, buddy."

As Yoshi began tearing up more than ever, Link glanced at the other yoshis. "I don't suppose you guys have some flavor-blasted Goldfish lying around anywhere?"

"For the love of Nayru, Link!" Zelda brought her hand to her face in exasperation. "We just flipping ate!"

"Oh, come on, Zelda!" Link put on a pout for her. "It's the snack that smiles back!"

Zelda rolled her eyes and was on the verge of objecting further, but it was too late- a bright-red yoshi had already appeared with a large bowl of cheesy goodness, and was presenting it to the green-clad smasher.

"Maybe we should snag something for Strider, while we're here," Mario suggested.

"Sounds like a plan," Link nodded. "Give that useless yellow lump of feathers something to do..." Turning his attention to the yoshis, he asked, "So, any chance of getting some extra food... for a friend?" A group of blue yoshis nearby nodded cheerfully and set off, making preparations.

"So... while that's going on," Zelda still looked disapproving, but turned to Yoshi nonetheless, "What's the news on Birdo?"

The smile vanished from Yoshi's face faster than... hmm... Fabls, what's something in this story that's fast that isn't Sonic?

...Somehow, I think saying Silver the Hedgehog would be cheating a bit.

Anyways, you get the idea- the smile vanished from Yoshi's face rather quickly, and he turned them towards the fireplace at the end of the hall. "Birdo is... over there..."

"Oh, my!" Zelda gasped, hand rising to her mouth.

Mario was pretty shocked himself. Birdo was sitting by the fire, just as she had been on their previous visit, but she was so dirty that it was difficult to see her against the burgundy backdrop of the wall- the only way Mario was able to track her down was by wondering why a copy of Stephanie Myers's _Twilight _was hanging in the air. Oh, right- Birdo was using it as a hat. While she'd referred to herself as a 'bum' before, she was now beginning to look the part- give her a beard, and a male, human body, and she could be the Dude from _The Big Lebowski. _The only thing was, it wasn't beer in her hand, it was...

"Mountain Dew?" Mario wondered out loud.

"Five cans or more a day," Yoshi concurred. "And showing no signs of slowing down..."

"But... that stuff doesn't have alcohol in it," Mario pointed out confusedly. "Unless I've been breaking the law for the past three and a half years..."

"Ah, do we need to take you to the floows, you naughty boy, you?" Link smirked at him.

"No, no, no need for Mario Mario to go to Subspace!" Yoshi interjected, looking alarmed at the idea. "Mountain Dew does not usually have effects like alcohol..."

"But it does for yoshis," Zelda concurred. "Kind of like how mustard is a drug on some other planets- remember how Professor Andonuts was talking about Tamaran?"

"Remember what we said about _anything _that came from Professor Andonuts's mouth?" Mario retorted.

"Oh, yeah..."

Birdo gave a hiccup as she swallowed some more White Out. The other yoshis glared at her as they passed by in their preparations for Roy's extra rations.

"Yoshi pities her, Mario Mario, truly, he does," Yoshi looked sadly at his favorite resident of the mansion. "She still views Mr. Von Karma as her true master, she cannot view the Master Hand even as a replacement. She longs for him, desiring day and night to return to him..."

To avoid letting that paragraph get any more awkward than it already was, Mario spoke up with a sudden flash of inspiration. "Hey, Birdo!" he turned to the pink yoshi. "You wouldn't happen to know where von Karma is, would you? It's just... he stopped coming to the Console Games a while back, we were wondering if anyone knew why..."

Birdo's eyes swam around, until they finally turned to him. For a while, she simply stared, first registering his existence, then processing the words that had come from his mouth. Von Karma... stopped coming...

"Say again?" she finally forced out, inciting an anime fall in everyone watching.

Mario sighed, then repeated himself. "Von Karma- he stopped coming to the games. If the _Fourside Tribune's _to be believed, it's because he's sick, but-"

"Master von Karma is _sick?!" _Birdo cried, horror etching itself into every nook and cranny of her face.

"We don't know for sure!" Zelda quickly put in. "That's just what the _Fourside Tribune _thinks, so actually, odds are he's-"

"Needing Birdo!" Birdo interrupted.

"Huh?"

"Odds are Master von Karma needs Birdo! Birdo shudders to think what Master von Karma is going through, all by himself-"

"You know, there are plenty of smashers in the world who get by doing their own housework," Link put in. "Just ask Mom, she'll tell you all about it..."

"Birdo means a bit more to Mr. Von Karma than a simple houseworker!" Birdo scoffed, looking offended at the implication. "Birdo is Master von Karma's confidante! He trusts her with secrets none other... could..."

She faltered to a halt, but now Mario was intrigued. "Secrets, you say?" he asked. "What kind of secrets are we talking about here?"

Birdo shook her head as hard as she could. "Birdo won't tell- Master von Karma trusts Birdo- she would never betray him... especially not to a nosy brat like you!"

"Birdo will not speak that way to Mario Mario!" Yoshi spoke up, donning the first look of anger Mario had seen on the dragon's face... ever. "Mario Mario is kind, and noble, and brave, and selfless... and... and honest..." Yoshi seemed to be running out of things that Mario was. "But the last thing he is is nosy!"

"Well, I don't know if I'd go that far," Link smirked at Mario, who retorted with a light punch on the shoulder.

"He sticks his overlarge nose in places it doesn't belong!" Birdo continued on stubbornly. "Birdo is a good, loyal yoshi- she will take... her master's... secrets... to... Rainbow...Road..."

And with that, she passed out where she sat. The other yoshis had unusual looks of disgust on their faces as they came along, prepared a makeshift stretcher, and carried her away covered up by a sheet. A red yoshi took the lead, turning to the human visitors and bowing apologetically. "We're so sorry you had to see that, little masters. We hope Birdo has not tainted your view of our service."

"Are... you... _smegging me?!_" Zelda punctuated for emphasis. "Excuse the heck out of her for being unhappy! Why not try and cheer her up instead of brushing her under a rug?"

"Yoshis are a work force, and we pride ourselves on efficiency and quality of service," the red yoshi explained. "A yoshi too emotional to work has no more worth here than a common street bum!"

"Love! Of! Nayru!" Zelda cried, sounding more and more exasperated by the second. "To the Underwhere with that smeg! You're living beings too, aren't you? What makes it so bad for you to be unhappy?! You have the _right _to be paid, and have time off, and have some decent reading material- for crying out loud, Yoshi right over there is the proof!"

"Yoshi would prefer not to get caught in this dispute," Yoshi muttered uncomfortably, hiding behind his book collection- it was easily large enough to cover him entirely. As far as the other yoshis went, they were suddenly looking at Zelda with new looks on their faces- as though she were Norman Bates, cornering them in the shower with that cooking knife at the ready. Mario didn't open his mouth- he didn't have the first idea what to say in this situation. Fortunately or otherwise, he was spared the trouble when a nearby pink yoshi pressed up against them with a large container of food.

"We have your food! Thank you, and goodbye!" She forced the food into Mario's hands, and the entire united workforce, sans Yoshi and Birdo, got together to force the smashers from the premises.

"Yoshi still appreciates the books, Mario Mario," came a very dejected-sounding voice from Yoshi, who was heading over to where they'd stowed Birdo's unconscious form away.

"Nice one, Zelda, _very _nice one," Link muttered scathingly as they headed back up through the mansion. "Doesn't matter how much helloing or goodbyeing you do next to that painting anymore, they'll never let us back in... guess we can say _goodbye _to any more chances to interrogate Birdo..."

"I call bull!" Zelda sniped back. "You didn't give two _cruds _about Birdo- you just wanted to get some more free food down there!"

Mario sighed and quietly fell back behind them. They could go back to the hub on their own- they hadn't even noticed, they were so busy trying to out-winnicot each other. Instead, he headed up to the aviary to deliver Roy's package.

As it happened, an ordinary-sized albatross would have been too small to carry all of Roy's food to that cave, let alone the pint-sized Riki, so Mario had to gather a couple more to assist the yellow featherball in his task. A generous applying of strong cord later, and the rations were on their way. Not willing to go back to the hub, and the madness sure to still be going on there, quite yet, Mario gazed out of the window, allowing the spring breeze to pass over his face. From this vantage point, he could see almost all of the lawn spread out around the great building... there was the Lost Woods, and at the edge, the always reassuring sight of Crazy's cabin, where... oh, boy.

Mario felt a slight trace of nerves in his stomach- Crazy was exiting his cabin, looking just as jaunty as ever as he carried an extremely large shovel over to near his garden, where he plunged it into the ground and began digging. There was a comforting rhythm in it- stab, dig, toss, stab, dig, toss... but Mario had to wonder what purpose the deranged limb was trying to serve- something for the Ultimate Chimaeras? Some other new monster he'd deigned to bring in for his Smashing Creatures class? Or was it some completely innocuous, innocent reason, like simply making room for some more cabbages?

As he watched, Okami Amaterasu appeared, blindingly white even at this distance, from the _Elsa._ She made her way towards Crazy, who performed the _Uh-uh, Girlfriend _gesture with just his hand, pushing her away. Never typing out those words again. It may have been his imagination, but he thought Ammy seemed somewhat dejected as she made her way back to her school's sub.

Mario shook his head- things should have died down by now. Well, he could hope, at least- he turned, left the aviary, and made his way back to the hub, where the remains of the previous chapter took place before him.

XXXX

To his immense relief, the oddness with Kirby, Meta, and the Slender Man kind of fizzled out Link and Zelda's feud before it had the chance to begin. The only sign either of them gave that they remembered the previous day at all was Link worrying that the yoshis would try to punish Zelda by singling out Nintendo for their leftovers... from old Civil War rations... but this proved false- the yoshis had either forgotten the incident or simply didn't care enough about it to intentionally ruin their own breakfast.

Mario blinked when Zelda tilted her head up as the albatrosses came flying in. "Expecting something?"

"Yup," Zelda nodded. "Took out a subscription for the _Fourside Tribune- _if we have to wait for Bowser and his thugs to tell us about the next Glados article, I'm going to flip."

"Fair enough," Mario shrugged. "And here we are!"

"No," Zelda shook her head as an albatross landed in front of her with a letter tied to its leg. "Can't be- that envelope doesn't look big enough for a newspaper. Though I couldn't imagine who else would be-"

Before she could finish this sentence, she was drowned out by the cries of what seemed to be several more albatrosses, all flying in right at her. In a moment, she was buried- they were in front of her on the breakfast table, on the bench beside her, on the ground, and clinging to her body like she'd suddenly become an albatross magnet.

"You still alive in there, Zelda?" Link asked, looking concerned.

"Screw you, too!" came Zelda's disgruntled reply. "Who the heck would- oh, for crying out loud!"

"Manage to find one of those letters and open it?" Mario guessed.

"Yeah, I'm using Din's Fire under here to be able to see it... it's hate mail!"

From the pile of albatrosses, a gloved arm protruded, offering a letter that Mario accepted, written out in classic cut-and-paste.

_MaRIo marIO HAs_ _beEN thRougH EnOUGH suFFERiNG in HIS Life wIThOUt deaLing wItH DicK-GARgLINg sLUtbaGS LIkE You. f*** OFF And DIE, YoU F***ing wHORE._

"Seems like your average YouTube comment done in the style of a ransom note," Mario raised an eyebrow. "And let me guess..."

"Yeah," came Zelda's muffled voice from beneath the albatrosses. "They're all like that one... let's see... _Go back to doing math, you useless Asian... You're probably just trying to swindle him out of his fortune, you dirty jew... _Apparently, none of these people know what race I actually _am_... AAAARRRRGGGHHH! Son of a... _goomba!_"

Whatever had caused Zelda such distress, it scared away the rest of the albatrosses as well- they all took flight to get away from her, allowing Mario and Link to witness Zelda screaming as one of the envelopes oozed a foul-smelling purple liquid. Smelling it, Link recoiled.

"Hey, do I smell some Toxiecap Toxin?" Ness grinned as he passed by. "The toxiecap toxin is the toxin for you and me! The toxiecap toxin is the toxin-"

"Not now, Ness, Zelda's been hurt!" Mario barked.

"Wha- oh! Ohhh. Sorry," Ness looked away sheepishly. "Just a second... Healing Alpha!"

A light blue glow appeared in his hands, spreading to Zelda's affected areas... and doing nothing.

"Huh? Well, that's not right," Ness frowned. "Lifeup Alpha!"

Bright yellow light- still no effect.

"Healing Beta! Lifeup Gamma! Healing Omega!"

Nothing, nothing... a _little _bit.

"It... it doesn't hurt... as much... anymore..." Zelda muttered, still wincing as she rose to her feet. "But I still think I should see... Nurse Tessie..."

"Ness, can you walk her up, try to help her with the pain? Be a pal?" Mario asked beseechingly.

"Already on it," Ness nodded, grinning widely. "Come on, Zelda..." As they walked out, he began chanting a mantra. "Healing Omega... Healing Omega... Healing Omega..."

Mario and Link turned back to their breakfast. "Hate to say it, but I _tried _to warn her!" Link shook his head, eyes closed and a frown on his face. "Stepping on Glados's toes is never a good thing!"

"Especially since she has a helicopter rotor where her toes should be," Mario nodded.

Link ignored him, opening up another of the envelopes. "Dang, she'd better watch her back- this guy's saying he'd have sent a gooey bomb, if he could figure out how to get it in the envelope without getting it stuck to his own hand..."

XXXX

The first class of that day was Smashing Flora, with Daisy. To both Mario and Link's consternation, however, said sorceress was absent throughout. They kept a concerned eye out for her, but she remained conspicuously invisible even as they headed down to Crazy's, where they were met by Bowser and a group of Sierras chortling as they noticed the missing member of the Golden Trio.

"Yo, homedawg, where's that temptress who's always followin' ya around?" Bowser led the taunts with his usual faux-gangster lingo. "Noticed she turned herself into an albatross perch and breakfast- I can only imagine what _that _was all about!"

Mario didn't intend to give him the satisfaction, resolutely ignoring him even as his laughs bore into his ears.

He wasn't sure how to feel when he saw Crazy floating over a large box- Crazy had already informed them that their work with rapidashes was complete, leading Mario to eye the box with no small amount of nerves- what could it contain? Wave Existence forbid, he _couldn't _have bred some more Ultimate Chimaeras, right? _Right?_

Right, actually- when he looked in, it was to see a variety of strange creatures resembling beaver heads on Mr. Saturn-like legs- with their brains exposed, covered only by a sort of glassy covering.

"What are these?" Lucina asked, straightening up from where she'd been examining them herself.

"Whatevahs."

"Well, excuse me," she scoffed, sounding offended. "I just wanted to know what we'd be studying today."

"Whatevahs!"

"Wave Existence forbid I take an interest in my own education-"

"Noez, noez, noez, you not be understandin'! Dese critters be called whatevahs! Dey be kinda chimey, like da Ultimate Chimeys, but not nearly no danger! Dey love people, cudda up to dem all da timez! You usually be findin' dem up in da mountains- dey like be up in da high places, n' you find all sorts cool tings in da mountains! Silva, gold, pea soup, ancients... n' it be da silva n' gold dat dese crittas be afta! Anyting be shiny, dey be all _ova _it! See waht I be meanin'?"

As if to demonstrate his point, one of the... whatevers... had leapt up from the box and taken a snap at Bowser's wrist, which bore a spiky, shiny band. "Yo, dawg, what the hell?" the turtle stepped back.

"Mez be tinkin' we hava _fun _day today!" Crazy continued brightly. "Dey be ultimate metal detectas, so mez be buryin' some DP coinz ova nexta meiz garden! Y'all pick one, turnem loose, n' one who brings back da most coinz getta prize! Just... jus be takin' off all da shinies you be wearin', a'ight?"

Mario reflexively went to take off his watch before remembering, once again, that he'd already given it away. He tried to eyeball the most proficient whatever, but they all looked pretty much the same to him. Shrugging, he picked up the one nearest to him and held it up to examine it closer. Its eyes lit up when it noticed it was being held, and a speech bubble appeared over its head, containing a pink heart. Well, these were definitely some of the less threatening creatures Crazy had presented them with...

Once everyone had chosen a whatever, Crazy glanced into the box. "Hmmmm... dat no be right! Dere be one left ovahs!" Looking up and making a mental checklist, he then turned to Mario and Link. "Where be Zeddies?"

"Long story, we'll tell you later," Mario muttered, trying to keep the answer out of Sierran ears.

It _was _quite a bit of fun- almost as good as riding Epona the previous year, and definitely better than the caterpiles of the same year, or, Wave Existence forbid, the Ultimate Chimaeras. The whatevers quickly outed themselves as remarkably proficient diggers, demonstrating robot-like efficiency as they dove into the ground and back out with coins to bring back to their students. Link's in particular tore crud up, and soon enough, he had a large bag of DP sitting on the ground in front of him.

"Good work, you whatevahs, good on da work... dat be just bout alla dem! Mez not be buryin' no treasure trover nuttin'. N' who you be?"

Mario and Link spun around to see Sheik making 'his' way across the lawn towards them, bundled up in 'his' ninja-style clothing tighter than ever.

"This is Sheik!" Mario quickly spoke up. "He's an exchange student from... er... Rare! Yeah, the Rare school of smashing! Yeah... he was here a couple years back, you must have missed him..."

"Mez kinda remember dat guy," Crazy spoke with the air of someone who was scratching their heads. "Not dat well, doe... he not be here for long, be he?"

"No, it was only a week or two," Link agreed.

"Well, glad to be meetin' y'all!" Crazy greeted 'Sheik' brightly. "Youz be runnin' tad late, but youz be new here, me cut you brake! N Iz be seein' dat, Wario!" he added, suddenly sounding much more severe, turning towards the obese yellow-clothed Sierran, who was going around and shoveling the DP into his pockets. "No point be stealin' it, you knowz! DP wona da cheapest money forms on da planet- take 100 ta equal just one blue coin!"

Wario looked off-put for a second, but then shrugged, said something that sounded very much like 'waste not, want not,' and continued with his scavenging of the coins. Crazy sighed and returned to taking the students' scores.

Sure enough, Link had won by a landslide, earning him a particularly large Hershey's chocolate bar- and when we say 'particularly large,' we mean it was actually the size of a flipping mattress- Link had to stuff it away into hammerspace for later transport to the mansion.

The bell rang, but Mario, Link, and 'Sheik' lingered behind under the pretext of assisting Crazy in restoring the whatevers.

"So, what be happenin' t'y'all, Zeddies?" Crazy asked abruptly.

Sheik gasped. "How- how did you know?"

"Mez be knowin' da whole time! Just be figurin' you be under dere fura reason, not want be barrassin' y'alls. What be wrong?"

Sheik sighed, then began spinning around, absorbed by a blue light that cleared to reveal Zelda, with several harsh burns all over her body. Crazy gasped. "What be causin' dat?!"

The Golden Trio exchanged looks with each other, then filled Crazy in on what had happened.

"...So I still have some medicine to rub on the burns for the next week or so- and call it cowardice, but I thought I'd hide as Sheik until the burns go away," Zelda looked at the ground shyly.

"Meiz not be blamin' y'alls," Crazy spoke gently. "Youz be knowin' iz get dem troll lettas, too, rights? Dat 'How 'Noyin'' guy, Baloneywhatevahnumbah, Lucy Orange, what her name be... dey all be tellin' me what horrible guy I be, need ta be imprisoned r' killd... contributin' ta rape culta... oughta seal myself n' R'lyeh wit my famlies..."

"You're smegging me!" Zelda gasped.

"Mez wishes," Crazy shook himself. "Dere be really cruddy people out dere, no doubt 'bout it... but dey not be wort dealin' wit. You gets more? Trow dem in fire- dat what How 'Noyin' want anyways."

"I can definitely help you there," Mario patted her on the back, exchanging a smile with her, which she returned.

XXXX

Pep talk or no pep talk, however, Zelda still turned herself back into Sheik for the trip up to the mansion. "You missed a really good lesson, though," Link mused, hands in his pockets as he practically skipped along at the prospect of all the chocolate he now had at his disposal. "Those whatevers are some pretty interesting animals, I'm not gonna lie..."

"Yeah... they looked... pretty cool," Sheik muttered, eyes still on the ground.

"Something still wrong there, Zelda?" Mario asked, turning his eyes towards her.

"No, not really, it's just..."

"Still upset about this morning?" Link guessed. "Tell you what- I'll share some of my chocolate with you- I don't think anyone's about to dispute that there's enough to go around."

"I appreciate that, too, Link," Sheik smiled- not that they could see it from behind the cloth covering 'his' face. "But, the thing is..."

Suddenly, 'he' burst into a flying fury, stamping the ground and punching at the air. "I FLIPPING _HATE _THAT ROBOT! RUINING EVERYONE'S LIVES JUST BECAUSE SHE GETS OFF ON CAUSING OTHERS SUFFERING! HARRY POTTER HEADSCRATCHERS PAGE, YOUTUBE COMMENTS, AFOSB, _SHE'D FIT RIGHT IN WITH THEM ALL_! WATCH YOUR BACK, GLADOS! I'LL GET YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!"

XXXX

So, Mario and Link looking nervously out of the corner of their eyes in case Zelda turned on them in the middle of the night or otherwise, Zelda followed Crazy's advice and refused to open any further letters- lighter ones were given to Mario to burn, (and subsequently lose some points from Wolf for air pollution,) while heavier ones, on suspicion of containing harmful substances, were re-addressed to Bowser and returned to the aviary. A good idea in theory, except several of her ill-wishers sent their messages via the infamous running mailman, who would run up to the recipient, read the letter out loud at the top of his voice, then sprint off again, often throwing a bomb and an internet meme into the package. The end result was that, by the end of the week, there was hardly a person who wasn't aware of the alleged love triangle going on behind the scenes of the Console Games. Mario knew he didn't have much room to talk, compared to the ostracision Zelda was facing, but it _was _getting a tad annoying that he had to keep insisting to everyone he met that he and the sorceress were _not, _in fact, romantically involved.

"Here's hoping this dies down sooner, rather than later," he noted as he, Link, and Zelda took some respite in the hub one night. "You remember back when we were noobs, right? It's just the scandal of the week- people ought to forget about it soon enough."

"That's all well and good, but it's just a temporary fix," Zelda glowered at the book of chess problems she was going through- failing miserably even on the most novice examples. "There's something up with that Glados woman, and I aim to prove it!"

"You're getting really fired up about this," Link noted, flipping over a card or two in his solitaire game, using a deck of extreme poker cards. "Reminds me of when you browbeated us into investigating the Dungeon of Secrets."

"This is even more serious than that!" Zelda belted out. "That _witch _is supposed to have a ban from entering the school grounds, so how the _frick _is she doing it?!"

Mario and Link threw nervous glances at each other- the closer Zelda came to cursing, the worse off the likely outcome was to be. "I talked to Simon after class the other day- he didn't see her anywhere, _and _the Master Hand asked him to keep a special eye out for her! If she was using an invisibility blanket, he'd have seen her for certain! She's finding out _everyone's _dirty secrets somehow, and I intend to find out how!"

"She's secretly a psychic?" Mario threw out a random guess.

"No, I asked Ness about that, too," Zelda huffed. "There were no psychic disturbances going on at the trial- he'd have known."

"Maybe she slipped a microphone onto you at some point?" Mario suggested, fully aware of the length of the straws at which he was grasping.

"Talk about desperate," Zelda muttered. "I'd just come out of the flipping _lake,_ Mario! Any microphones on me would have died out a while earlier!" Zelda muttered rapid-fire to herself, "Oh, boy, Glados, I am going to get you... the shoe will definitely be on the other foot if you're doing something illegal, but even if not..."

"You're not going to start another movement against her, are you?" Link asked, dodging to the side as his cards exploded on him.

"Oh, don't worry about it!" Zelda growled. "This is _my _fight! Mine! My own! I'd be _insulted _if you two had to help!"

With that, and with both boys staring after her, she slammed her book shut and stormed out of the hub.

"Taking all bets, buddy, taking all bets," Link muttered.

"Bets on what?"

"That she's coming back with pamphlets talking about how evil Glados is."

As it turned out, though, that's a bet that Link would have lost- over the next several weeks, Zelda indeed seemed to be internalizing her vendetta against the robot- while they could tell several of the books she was going over with a fine-toothed comb were for the purposes of discovering the truth behind the not-so-intrepid reporter, not once did she request their assistance- or even talk about it with them at all. They were grateful for it, because frankly, the workload had increased so much that it was a wonder Zelda even had _time _to do those things, without bringing them into it. Even so, Mario was still making it a point to sneak into the kitchen on a regular basis (the yoshis were determinedly ignoring the fiasco from earlier- his status as not being the one who'd instigated it seemed to endear them to him somewhat) and pick up some food for Roy- Roy had, after all, helped him out numerous times when he needed it, smeg if he wasn't going to return the favor. With the food packages, he included letters assuring his godfather that no further unusual occurrences had... occurred, and every time he headed up to the aviary, he kept an eye out for Parrakarry, looking forward to any new info Rob might have to give.

That day, however, did not arrive until the end of Spring Break- or, as the students of the Smash Mansion typically called it, homework break, as, with the exams looming, the teachers habitually heaped so much homework on the student body that the Spring Break really seemed more like a grace period for them to finish it all. Easter came up, of course, celebrated by a massive Easter egg hunt around the school grounds that the Golden Trio opted out of, electing to spend the day relaxing up in the hub instead.

Zelda was somewhat down in the dumps that day- Uli had sent three Easter baskets to the Golden Trio- Mario's and Link's had both been overflowing with all kinds of goodies, while Zelda's was restricted to a single Hershey's chocolate egg and a package of condoms.

"I'm starting to speculate that your mother reads _Cosmo,_" Zelda guessed sadly, looking at the contents of said basket.

"Well, not _read, _as such," Link shrugged. "More like she gets it to shred it up and use it to line the birdcages- says anything else is too valuable- but she does read a couple of articles on occasion."

"Just my luck that she'd choose _that _issue to read, of all things," Zelda muttered.

Link's eyes narrowed in sympathy. Is that a thing? Well, whatever. He hoisted his basket and crossed over to her. "Hey, you can have some of mine, if you want."

"Are you sure?" Zelda asked, looking surprised.

"Hey, I've still got half of that giant chocolate bar left over- I am in _no _desperate need of a sugar fix," Link smiled. Zelda smiled as well as she reached into his basket and began foraging for blue raspberry warheads.

It was at that point that Mario entered, munching on a Nestle's crunch bar and carrying an envelope in one hand. "Answer from Rob," he noted, coming over.

"Oh, sweet!" Link grinned. "What's he got to say?"

"I wouldn't get my hopes up," Mario shook his head.

_Oh, for the love of OD-10, not _you _too! I am receiving enough grief trying to explain the situation to the Tribune! Mr. Von Karma is simply on a well-deserved paid vacation! He is keeping me updated on current events and his personal instructions via regular albatrosses. Have I seen him personally? No, but I think I, of all people, can be trusted to recognize writings from my own superior. He has even begun referring to me via my proper name! I have enough to be doing at the moment without my own family pestering me over baseless rumors- do not contact me unless it is of the utmost importance!_

_Happy Easter!_

"Nice," Link muttered. "Always nice to get some holiday cheer from my brother..."

XXXX

The lateness of the school year would usually mean some remarkably difficult Smash-Up training sessions with Captain Falcon, but, of course, that particular tournament had been called off for the year, and Captain Falcon himself had graduated in any event. In place of the Smash-Up finals was the final trial of the Console Games- which Mario was still in the dark about. It was only as May drew to a close that he finally got a tap on the shoulder from Samus as he made to leave one Transformation class.

"Pro tip, Mario," she explained. "Ballyhoo's commandeered a corner of the lawn tonight, down near the Smash-Up stadium- he'll be explaining the third trial to all the contestants. You don't _have _to go, of course," she added with a smirk, "if you want that trial to be _particularly _challenging... but as your teacher and head of your group, I would advise going."

"Advice I gladly accept," Mario smirked back.

And so it came to be that that night found him striding out onto the lawn, meeting up with Donkey Kong along the way. The two were on much friendlier terms post-second trial than they'd been before.

"So, any bets on what the last trial might be?" Donkey Kong muttered conspiratorially as they crossed the darkened front lawn.

"Not the slightest idea," Mario shrugged. "You?"

"Well, I asked Shulk, and... well, you know what he's like, always talking in riddles instead of giving a straight answer, always talking about not throwing off the future _too _much..."

"Do I ever," Mario recalled his work with Shulk earlier that year.

"But he _did _give me some hints about narrow corridors and underground tunnels- maybe we're going digging for treasure?"

"Oh, Wave Existence, _please _say we're just going digging for treasure." Mario found that idea _incredibly _appealing- according to the trial's rules, he'd be free to just borrow a whatever from Crazy, sit back, and relax throughout the trial.

Fate, however, seemed to be less kind. When they arrived at the appointed destination, it was to see a long tangle of bushes and hedges winding off and covering several hills that Mario wasn't entirely certain had been there before- the thing had to go on for a few miles, at _least._

"Hello, hello, hello!" came a jovial-sounding voice, drawing their attention to the nearby M. C. Ballyhoo, bouncing along with Sonic and Snake at his side. Snake grinned at Mario and flashed a thumbs-up as they approached- he'd certainly warmed up (hur hur) to the pyromancer since he'd saved Otacon from Lake Delfino.

"So, whatcha think?" Ballyhoo sounded genuinely proud as he gazed at the tangle of hedges and plants making its way all over the school's grounds. "Let's have a quick contest- who can guess what we're-"

"It's a maze!" Sonic interrupted.

Ballyhoo blinked as he turned his gaze onto the hedgehog. "I hadn't actually finished my question yet."

"You said _quick _contest," Sonic smiled. "Sonic's the name, and speed's my game!"

"Well, fair enough," Ballyhoo shrugged. "All things being equal, it _is _a maze. As you could probably guess, the third trial is a quite sizable labyrinth! You'll have thirteen hours in which to solve this labyrinth, before your baby brother becomes one of us... forever!"

"Um... what?" the contestants collectively gave him rather quizzical looks- except for Snake, who scoffed, "Heh, you can have him."

"Oh, sorry," Ballyhoo blushed under his hat as he checked his script. "What I meant to say was, you'll have _five _hours to get to the center of the labyrinth, where the trophy for winning the Games awaits you! First one to get there gets fifty points, second forty, third thirty-five, and last place's rank will be determined by how close they were. Fun, huh?"

"Seems pretty simple," Snake noted, raising a hand to his chin. "Just a run through the maze?"

Ballyhoo chortled. "Not at all, my boy, not at all! You've demonstrated your courage and wisdom- there will be plenty of obstacles along the way for you to _power _through! Plenty of spells to be broken, creatures to be overcome, maybe a puzzle or two to solve- not too many of those, though, of course- wisdom was last time."

"You... you wouldn't happen to be getting those creatures from Crazy, would you?" Mario guessed tentatively.

"Sure enough, my boy! How'd you know?"

"I was hoping I was wrong," Mario winced, exchanging a nervous look with Donkey Kong, the other person there who knew the full implications of that statement. Snake and Sonic, who didn't know Crazy as well, simply looked confused- wasn't Crazy Mario's friend?

"Alright, that concludes your orientation," Ballyhoo grinned. "Back up to the mansion, huh? It is _freezing _out here!"

As they all turned and began ascending back to the mansion, Mario was slowed as Sonic dashed up from behind and gave Mario yet another tap on the shoulder.

"Hey, uh... red guy," he spoke.

"Mario," Mario cleared up.

"Yeah, Mario," Sonic corrected himself, looking surprisingly off-put. "What say you and I take a walk?"

Mario examined him closely, but detected no ill intentions. "Yeah, sure... something up?"

"Just a thing or two I wanted cleared up."

Mario couldn't think what that could be, for the life of him, but gave a shrugging agreement.

"Heading off, Mario?" Ballyhoo asked, looking more off-put than Sonic. "I can wait for you, if you-"

"Nah, I think I can find the mansion myself, strangely enough," Mario gave a small smile. "Head on in, it really _is _cold out here..."

With that, he turned and followed Sonic on his course around the lawn. Sonic was doing his best to slow down for him, but Mario was still having to jog to keep up with him, wondering where the hedgehog was leading him all the while. The halo? Nope, they were passing it up...

Their path ultimately took them to a spot nearby Crazy's cabin. Finally, Sonic turned on him, crossing his arms and looking him directly in the eye.

"Alright, what is it?" Mario asked. "What's so important that we had to come all the way over here?"

"Well, I keep an eye on the papers, I keep my ears open for any gossip," Sonic began. "Not to get into it myself, you know, just to hear what others are saying..."

"You have a point?"

Sonic sighed. "Alright, you're right- enough beating around the bush. Mario... what's going on with you and Zelda?"

Mario blinked. "M...Me and Zelda?"

"I've heard the rumors, the things people are saying about you two... what's going on?"

"Much less than you'd think," Mario assured him. "Anything you've heard about a romantic relationship is Glados making smeg up- me and Zelda are good friends, true, but boyfriend and girlfriend? Nah- it'd just be weird."

Sonic didn't seem entirely reassured- his eyes narrowed as he spoke. "She talks about you quite a bit."

"Well, yeah," Mario shrugged. "We're good friends, that's for sure- I talk a lot about Link, too, but I'd never consider him a _romantic _partner."

"I don't know, the way you two were bickering earlier this year..."

"That was just a phase," Mario's ears turned red.

"And what Glados said about Zelda having us both on?"

"Pure, unadulterated bullcrud," Mario assured him. "Just the ramblings of a mechanical troll."

"And you've never-"

"Dear lord, _no, _we've never done _that!_" Mario gasped, noting the sign the hedgehog was making.

"You're sure you've never-"

"No! Wave Existence, no! She doesn't even _like _Twilight!"*

Sonic took a deep breath. "Well... that's a relief. You know, you're a pretty good kart driver." As per tradition, he raised his hands in a cowboy style gesture. "I snuck a peak at the first trial- you _destroyed _that dragon!"

"You're pretty good yourself," Mario returned the gesture, smiling. So odd to be having a normal conversation like this with one of the world's Smash-Up idols. "I was up in the top box during the Grand Prix, saw the whole thing. Fei was good, too, but he just didn't stand a-"

Abruptly, Mario cut himself off, listening as hard as he could.

"Something wrong?" Sonic's smile dropped from his face.

"I hear something," Mario spoke quietly. "Got your shoes on?"

Sonic didn't seem to know what to make of the situation, but nodded nonetheless. Mario double-checked to make sure his hat was on his head. No doubt about it- there was something just beyond the border of the trees, lurking _just _out of sight...

He could hear heavy breathing. Slowly, he reached up and summoned some fire to his hand, illuminating the area.

Leaning against a tree, just within the forest's boundaries, was a remarkably disheveled man he didn't recognize- until he looked closer and realized it was Manfred von Karma.

Whatever had happened to him, he was definitely much the worse for wear. He was unshaven, scruffy hair protruding from his lip and chin alike, with no care for it whatsoever. The same went for his hair, which was much longer than last they'd met, falling down his back in matted tangles, mixed up with sticks and dirt. His clothes were equally dirty, torn in several places, and he had no shortage of lacerations around his body. An air of exhaustion hung around his face, and despite neither of his eyes being focused on them, he was muttering quick and fast under his breath. Any sense that he'd fit right in with the Smiths had abruptly vanished- Mario was reminded vividly of a biting speech Uncle John had once given on 'street bums.'

"That guy's a judge, ain't he?" Sonic looked closer.

"Yeah, I... he was here for the first trial, but not the second," Mario recalled, approaching slowly. "Mr... Mr. Von Karma?"

Von Karma, however, ignored him completely, continuing his talk with his imaginary friend. "Glad to hear it, Mr. Anderson! That wretched smuggling ring from Bionis shan't remain in the shadows much longer! And while you're at it, fire off a memo to Okami Amaterasu- the Master Chief's already got his dream team together, Ammy's kind of dragging her feet on this one..."

Mario was highly off-put- the whole conversation seemed out of character in many, many ways...

"All her prerogative, of course, but she'll want all the facts before she... before she..."

Manfred von Karma fell to the ground, sounding like he was choking as he raised both arms to cover his head. It was like he was fighting a remarkably powerful influence- or like he'd recently seen Cthulhu, and was struggling to process the Great Old One's otherworldliness. "Mr. Von Karma?" Mario tried again, approaching steadily. "Are you okay?"

A dumb question and he knew it- von Karma's eyes were up in his head like he was possessed. Sonic approached as well. "Is he having a seizure or something?"

"Dangit, Sonic, I'm a kart-driver, not a doctor!" Mario objected. "Look, you're faster, you should go get someone and bring them-"

"Matthew..." came von Karma's voice once more. "Matt... the Master Hand! Right now... I need to see... the Master Hand...

"Alright, sounds good," Mario agreed- he didn't know who else would know what to do in a situation like this. "On your feet, okay? I know right where he is, I can take you-"

Von Karma interrupted, a strange tone entering his voice as he choked out, "I've done... terrible... thing... everything might... because of me... the Master Hand... needs to know..."

"I can get you to the Master Hand!" Mario repeated. "His office is just up in the mansion, I can get you there in just a few minutes!"

Von Karma's eyes struggled to focus on Mario's face. "Can't see... who... you?"

"Mario Mario," Mario answered, not sure von Karma was in the right frame of mind to recognize the name. "A student at the school- I can take you-"

"Are you... are you... with _him_?"

"I don't even know who 'he' is," Mario assured him.

"Are you... with... the Hand?"

"Straight up," Mario nodded.

"Get him... he must... he needs to..."

"I'll do that," Mario nodded, getting ready to turn and dash off. "I'll go get him right-"

"Thank you, Mr. Anderson, very good of you!" von Karma suddenly straightened up and began stringing coherent sentences together once more. "And update my calendar, will you? President Tate had to cancel that dinner date, but I guess that gives me more time with my daughter and the missus! About time I got together with my daughter, you know? Passed all of her A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests, haven't even gotten around to congratulating her yet! But you know what they say... 'The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon...'"

As he continued his strange refrain, Sonic looked uncertainly at him. "I think this guy's lost his mind," he deduced.

"Stay with him," Mario suggested. "I need to get the Master Hand, I know you're faster, but I know right where he is. Stay with him, will you?"

Sonic didn't look certain, but before he could answer either way, von Karma collapsed again. "No!" he screeched as though in terrible pain. "Don't- don't leave me! I just barely escaped- I need to tell the Master Hand- I need to warn him! My fault, all my fault- Adrian's dead, Mark Fishbach is dead... the Master Hand... need to know! Great Darkness, growing stronger, always watching, always watching, watching, watching... Mario Mario... danger! Master Hand... Master Hand... MASTER HAND!"

"I'm going to get him!" Mario raised his voice to be heard. "Right now, I'm going to sprint up there and be back as soon as I can!" Turning to Sonic, he addressed him again. "Keep an eye on him, okay? I'll be back ASAP- Wild Wing speed!"

Sonic still didn't look entirely confident, but nodded nonetheless, turning his eyes onto the raving man. Mario, true to his word, sprinted as hard as he could up the hill, even as his lungs began to shriek in protest. It took less than a minute for him to crash through the front doors and begin tearing up the stairs, taking every secret passage he knew of to get to the Master Hand's office as quickly as he could.

And so it came to be that he was thoroughly winded by the time he finally arrived. On one side of the hall was a stretch of wall decorated with a mural- a platform floating in empty space, in front of a colorful, ever-shifting background. A voice spoke up from nowhere- "What's the greatest snack in the world?"

"Red vines!" Mario answered immediately, only for a loud, Lex-Luthor-style "WRONG!" to echo through the hallway.

Mario cursed himself- while that _had _been the password to gain an audience with the mansion's master of a hand two years ago, it seemed that- surprise, surprise- the Master Hand actually thought to change it up in the meantime.

"For crying out loud, throw me a bone here, this is important!" he growled at the wall, which remained as silently complacent as ever. "Come on! This could be a matter of life and death!" Still nothing.

"MARIO!"

Mario spun around, and for the first, last, and only time in his life, was happy to see Wolf coming down the hallway. "What's your game, Mario? Trying to wake up everyone in the mansion-"

"I need to see the Master Hand!" Mario explained swiftly. "Quick, give this wall the password, it's important- von Karma just turned up on the lawn, he's lost his mind, he needs to see-"

"Trying to cause our good headmaster undue agitation?" Wolf guessed, a nasty smile forming on his face. "Can't let you do that, Mario."

Mario's previous joy at seeing the anthro evaporated, replaced with a quietly burning fury. He wasn't Bsing around- this really _could _be a matter of life and death, and here was Wolf, pulling his usual shenanigans and delighting in keeping the thing Mario wanted from him!

To his immense relief, however, the wall suddenly slid away on its own, revealing a floating hand in a white glove on the other side. "Something wrong?" the old hand asked. "I heard raised voices..."

Mario spoke up before Wolf had the chance to- "Master Hand! It's Manfred von Karma- he's down by the Lost Woods, he's lost his mind or something- he's hurt bad, he's saying he needs to see you!"

One of the greatest things about the Master Hand, Mario thought, was that in times of crisis, the Master Hand utilized an 'Act now, ask questions later' policy- rather than interrogating Mario further about what even the pyromancer himself would admit was a wild claim, he immediately said, "Lead the way," and allowed Mario to turn his back on Wolf and sprint down the hall, the hand in hot pursuit.

"What exactly did he say?" the Master Hand asked as they flew, figuratively _and _literally, through the mansion's interior.

"Something about... needing to warn you... he mentioned Adrian Andrews... and Markiplier... and Tabuu... something about Tabuu..."

The Master Hand didn't speak again, but increased his pace beyond what he'd been doing already.

The night was actually pretty bright beneath the light of a full moon as they tore across the grassy lawn- it was no trouble at all to relocate the place where he and Sonic had been talking. However, as they drew closer, Mario could sense something was wrong... this was right where they'd been... but there was no one there...

"Sonic!" Mario called out. "Sonic, where are you?"

It took much more looking than Mario would have liked, but they eventually located a pair of red running shoes, attached to a pair of legs that were, in turn, attached to an anthropomorphic hedgehog's body. Sonic the Hedgehog, to be exact- and he was unconscious, splayed out on the ground, though with a still-rising-and-falling chest that indicated no serious damage had been done. As for von Karma... he was nowhere to be found.

"Just a sec," Mario muttered. "I'll go get Nurse Tessie..."

"No!" the Master Hand spoke up urgently. "Stay here."

Mario turned back and watched as the Master Hand ran himself up and down Sonic's body, spreading blue light over it, and allowing the hedgehog's eyes to flutter open. Even so, he looked remarkably dazed as he shook his head and attempted to focus on them. Finally, he snapped to attention when he saw Mario. "Mario!" he said quickly. "That old fart jumped me from behind! I turn my back for one second and he whacks me over the head!"

"Stay still," the Master Hand spoke gently. "We need to stay calm-"

"Brudda?" came a sleepy-sounding voice from nearby. "What be... what be goin' on?" Punctuated by a yawn.

"Crazy!" the Master Hand turned to face his half-brother. "If you would, go and get the Master Chief, alright? His student has been attacked."

"Attacked?" Crazy suddenly became much more alert. "Watcha be meanin', attacked?"

"Explanations later, Master Chief now," the Master Hand ordered.

"You da boss, boss," Crazy shook himself.

"And while you're at it," the Master Hand spoke up again as Crazy turned to leave, "I'd like to see Simon-"

"Do not worry about it, sir, I am already here," came a rough-sounding voice from nearby- they all turned to see the eye-deformed form of Simon Belmont limping across the grass. "Wolf said something about von Karma?"

"Karmies? What Karmie gotta do wit da prica tea in-"

"The Chief!" the Master Hand reminded him.

"Oh, dat be right... mes BRB!" with that, Crazy turned and fired across the ground like a missile.

"Now, what is this about von Karma?" Simon pressed.

"He's vanished," the Master Hand explained. "We need to find him as soon as we can."

"On it," Simon nodded, turning and dashing off as fast as his limp would allow.

A few minutes later, Crazy returned, the ever-armored form of the Master Chief in tow, agitation radiating straight through his visor. Fury was in his voice as he looked at his injured student.

"What is _this!?_" he asked angrily.

"Some old crazy got the jump on me," Sonic explained, still rubbing that back of his head. "Von Karma, or something like that..."

There was little in the way of accusation in his voice, but there was plenty to make up for it in the Chief's as he spun on the Master Hand. "Von Karma? Sonic was attacked by _Manfred von Karma?_"

"John," the Master Hand started warningly, but it was already too late.

"You slimy sons of _b****es!_" he cursed. "You and your government have been against us from the beginning! Sneaking a second, underage contestant into the games, siccing your lapdog in the government on _my _contestant to bring him down... this has all been rigged from the very start!" Mario would have asked if the Master Chief wanted a tinfoil hat to go with that statement, but even if he thought this was the right time for it, said Chief was giving him no room to get a word in edgewise. "You talk a good game, sure, but when it comes right down to it, you're the lowest down of us all- you couldn't stand to let these games ruin your precious reputation! All your talk about closer ties, all your talk about friendship and love- though I suppose it _would _take someone from the _Smash Bros. _to carry on so much about something as _insipid _and _childlike _as _love_\- and at the end of the day, it was all just a plot to stroke your own ego!"

Mario was on the verge of opening his mouth to furiously defend his headmaster, but Crazy beat him to it, wrapping his fingers around the Chief and rising up into the air, where he began to squeeze. "You- not- be-talkin'- ta- meiz- brudda- dat- way!" he shouted. "Y'all insult _mez _ally you dang well feel like, but nobody but _nobody _insult da Matta Hand in fronta me! Dis... is... Smash Bruddas!"

"Crazy, let him down!" the Master Hand raised his voice.

Crazy began to calm, and, still heedless of the Chief's choking gasps, lowered himself to the ground and finally released him. The Master Hand's voice was sharper than usual as he issued his next order- "Take Mario back up to the mansion, then come back- we must find von Karma."

"You sure you be in da right company, brudda?" Crazy asked, clearly glaring at the Chief from behind his glove.

"I'll last until you get back," the Master Hand affirmed. "And as for you, Mario- stay in the hub for tonight. I understand there must be a great deal you want to do, be it filling in your friends, maybe sending an albatross or two... but that can all wait until tomorrow, understand?"

"Y...yes," Mario nodded. The Master Hand _had _to be a mind-reader- how else could he know that Mario was, even now, trying to formulate the upcoming letter to Roy in his head?

"Youz say so, brudda," Crazy agreed reluctantly. "Letz be on da goin, Marioz."

It was a remarkably uncomfortable silence as Crazy led the way back up through the mansion- Crazy muttered darkly the whole way up- he was so unusually angry, in fact, that, for the first time ever, Mario was actually glad to bid him farewell as they approached Rosalina. One password later, and Mario entered the hub, where Link and Zelda looked up, eagerly awaiting him and the information he'd received about that trial.

_XXXX_

_*_Alternate Ending for Conservative Readers:

"No, Wave Existence, no!" Mario fervently denied. "She doesn't even _like _Twilight!"

"Well that's a relief," Sonic sighed, a smile crossing his face.

"Though we _have _had sex," Mario mused with a hand to his chin.

"Ah, like that even matters," Sonic brushed off with a chuckle. "That doesn't even mean anything nowadays."

"Yeah," Mario agreed with a laugh of his own. "Honestly, I think we bonded more over sessions of Smash Bros.-"

"Wait, _what?!_" Sonic spun around, smile disappearing from his face.

Mario, oblivious, continued. "Or at some of the school feasts-"

"You played _Smash Bros. _with her?!"

"Yeah, is that-"

"YOU SON OF A B****, I'LL FREAKING KILL YOU!" Sonic bellowed, diving on Mario with as much force as he could muster.

And so it came to be that Mario was found dead the next morning, and the world was set on the path of destruction by the actions of one jealous hedgehog.

_XXXX_

Okay, real outro this time. Sorry I'm getting this one up a few days late- I've been fighting the imperial scum of the Kremlings on one side with Fabls, and fighting off the invasion of Mechonis on the other with my sister, Blue Phoenix. I'm sure you guys understand. Hope to get the next chapter out sooner, but aside from that, I don't _think _I have anything else to say, so... please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	35. The Haunter of the Dark

Gamer4 in. You know, looking back at the last chapter, I'm seeing quite a few bits that could be construed as a tad offensive- and I'm sensing that a couple people may have been offended. That said, I offer a heartfelt apology to those who were offended by the content of said chapter- as usual, I'm not intending to do so, this story isn't meant to call anyone out or intentionally make people angry, it's all supposed to be in good fun. That said, with yet another Lovecraftian name on the wings, let's begin the next chapter!

Disclaimer: The town's falling around me and yielding to a breeze I've felt before, and now I'm sure, it's blowing at my back and guiding me!

Chapter XXIX

The Haunter of the Dark

"Alright, the way I see it," Zelda summarized, "there are two possibilities- 1: von Karma attacked Sonic, or 2: some third party took them both out while Mario was getting the Hand."

"I'm calling Karma- he was gone when they got back, after all," Link threw his two cents into the ring. "Probably had to struggle a bit, but people can do some pretty amazing things under pressure."

"True," Mario agreed, "but I don't think that would have worked for him- you didn't see him- it was a miracle he got as far as he did, without running off again. He'd have had to teleport-"

"Which," Zelda interjected, "can't be done on the grounds of the Smash Mansion."

"-Which pretty much blows that theory out of the water," Mario concluded.

Link raised a hand to his chin in thought for a bit, then snapped his fingers. "I've got it! Sonic did it!"

"Sonic?" Zelda repeated skeptically.

"Hear me out, hear me out!" Link raised his hands. "Alright, Mario runs off to get the Master Hand, and Sonic turns on von Karma, takes him out, then smacks himself over the head to make himself look innocent!"

"Two issues with that one," Zelda retorted. "First off, why? What would Sonic have against von Karma? And second, if that's the case, what did he do with von Karma himself? He has to have gone _somewhere._"

As Link opened and closed his mouth like a fish, Mario turned and stared wearily out the nearby window- the sun was rising. The Golden Trio had risen from their beds _remarkably _early to fill out a letter informing Roy of this recent incident, then returned to the hub to try and hammer out the fine details of what, exactly, had actually _happened _that night. Three hours on, they still weren't much closer to any concrete truth than they had ben when they'd started.

"Alright, if I've learned anything from watching cop shows, it's that you've got to go over the events again and again, just in case you're missing anything," Zelda rubbed her eyes, trying to keep sleep at bay. "So, Mario, what exactly happened last night? What physically happened- what were von Karma's exact words?"

"Hard remembering- most of it was gibberish," Mario recalled. "He definitely said something about needing to see the Master Hand- he was repeating that one over and over again. He mentioned Adrian Andrews, said she was dead- and he seems to think he had a hand in it. In that, and in Mark's death."

"Mark?" Link asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Markiplier," Zelda answered somberly. "He turned up dead way back in September- he was supposed to be on vacation in southern Eagleland, but they found his body on the side of the road- hit by a car."

"But what could von Karma have to do with that?" Link asked bewilderedly.

"No idea," Mario shrugged. "But he kept insisting it was all his fault- and then he brought up his daughter, Franziska..."

"Which _was _his fault," Zelda put in, a frown on her face.

"He was out of his mind- and I'm not talking like Crazy, where he was drawing weird conclusions and talking in a weird voice, I mean he was legitimately off his flipping gourd. Every now and again, he'd tune out and start acting like he was talking to Rob instead, mentioning things from the past, things that he couldn't be talking about now..."

"And... and he said _what _about the Great Darkness again?" Link asked, nerves clear on his face.

"That was what he was repeating the most, aside from the Master Hand," Mario spoke very solemnly. "He said... he said he was getting stronger."

A shadow seemed to cross the room. When Link spoke up again, it was in a tone of painfully forced bravado. "Well, like you said, he was kind of out of his brain- who knows what kind of babble he was throwing out?"

"I wish I could brush it off that easy," Mario shook his head, "but I can't- the parts where he was talking about Tabuu were when he was at his sanest- when he actually knew who he was, where he was..."

Another glance out of the window- the sky was starting to brighten, but the shadow in the room seemed darker than ever before. "Freaking Wolf," he muttered. "Dang anthro was so _happy _to be holding me up- if only he could've pulled his head out of his butt for a few seconds and just let me up to see the Master Hand, we might've gotten back in time..."

"Or-" Link gasped, as though a thought had just occurred to him, "or, or, or, _or_... it was on purpose! He _wanted _to slow you down- hold you up so he could get there first! Could he have?"

"Well, only if he's a slider, or if he had an accomplice," Mario shook his head. "And really, I don't think either of those are likely..."

"We need more information," Zelda rubbed her eyes again. "We should talk to Simon- if he found anything out, we need to know, too."

"Yeah, sure, let's get going," Mario muttered, standing and leading the troop out the door.

They had only gotten through a few hallways when they heard a pair of arguing voices approaching. Ducking behind a nearby wall, they listened:

"For crying out loud, Meta, I'm just as upset as you are, but this is above and beyond anything we've done before- you're talking about _blackmail!_"

"I wish there was another way, Kirb, but this sucker's playing dirty, now- either he coughs up now, or we take this right to the Government- and I'm sure he doesn't want _that _kind of publicity..."

"Which is all well and good, but that doesn't change that _saying _that in writing is blackmail!"

"Relax! Nothing's going to go wrong- trust me on this- oh, what are you three up to?"

The voices stopped as Kirby and Meta Knight appeared around a corner- an envelope in Meta's hand, but before Mario could get a good look at it, it was tucked into one of his non-existant pockets.

"Oh, just... up and about," Mario shrugged. "Early to bed, early to rise, and all that."

"But the way we hear it, you guys were up pretty late last night," Kirby noted suspiciously.

"Well, like you have any room to be suspicious," Zelda countered. "Sneaking through the halls, talking like that- just what are _you two _up to, hmmm?"

The twins looked taken aback for a moment, but then broke into smiles. "Touche, touche," Meta grinned. "Well, here's the deal, then- you don't pry into our business, we won't pry into yours. Sound fair?"

Mario and Zelda shrugged, but Link raised a hand to hold them up before they left. "Oh, no, you two aren't getting off the hook that easy. Who exactly are you blackmailing?"

The smiles slid off the twins faces like butter off of really badly-made bread. Kirby shook his head. "Ah, don't worry about it, Link, I was just makin' a funny. You know, cowabunga, and all that."

"You sounded pretty serious for making a light-hearted jab," Link crossed his arms. "You were right, Kirb, blackmailing is serious stuff- if you were caught, we're not talking a lousy detention, or losing a few points- we're talking _jail time._"

"In which case, we'll be sure not to drop the soap," Meta brushed him aside. "You're starting to sound a bit like our dear robotic brother, Link."

"Don't lump me with him!" Link's eyebrows knitted in anger. "I'm nothing like Rob!"

"Then prove it," Kirby challenged. "Stop telling us what to do, how 'bout? You go around with your business, and we'll go around with ours. See ya!"

With that, they turned and bounced off towards the aviary. Mario, Link, and Zelda turned to stare at each other. "You don't... you don't think that, whatever they've been doing all year... it has something to do with this? With von Karma?" Zelda asked nervously.

"Nah," Mario shook his head. "They've always been for some mischief, but what you're talking about is a whole other level." Noticing Link staring at his boots and shifting his feet uncomfortably, he asked, "Any objections, buddy?"

"I'm just... I'm just not as certain as you," Link mumbled. "They've been pretty interested in money-making lately, they want some funding for their joke shop. I mean, Peach and I thought they were just trolling at first, but no, they're dead serious about this- it's what they want to do, and it'll take quite a bit of money to get something like that off the ground- it's not like Mom'll help them, or let Dad do it..."

His nerves seemed to spread to Zelda. "Well, making money is all well and good, but you don't think they'd do something like... like _that _to get it, do you?"

"Well, since when have they really cared about the rules?"

"It's like Mario said!" Zelda countered. "These aren't school rules we're talking about here- if they're blackmailing someone, there's something a little more serious than points on the line! Maybe we should take this to Rob..."

Link snorted. "Take it to Rob? You're joking, right? We take it to him, and it turns out they're really doing something like that, they're looking at a few years in Subspace- Rob's priorities are just as skewed as von Karma's!"

He still looked remarkably uncomfortable, but shook his head. "Alright, let's put it on the shelf for now- von Karma later, Kirby and Meta Knight even later after that."

"Then what's now?" Mario raised an eyebrow.

"Breakfast," Link smiled, apparently attempting to lighten the mood. "I'm starving."

XXXX

"Just as well, really," Mario shrugged as he picked out a poppy-seed muffin for himself at the breakfast table. "Shouldn't have gone to see Simon right then- this early in the morning? He'd probably choke us to death with his whip before he even realized who it was."

"Then what's our plan?" Zelda asked as she buttered some toast.

"Morning break," Mario suggested after a moment. "He ought to be available at morning break."

And so it came to be that he had his worst History of Smashing class yet- trying to listen to Professor Andonuts was like running a cheese grater over one's head to begin with, but worrying about what Simon might say turned that cheese grater into a massive sawblade. How bad was it? Even _Zelda _seemed incapable of paying attention, earning several surprised looks as she entered Mario and Link's traditional Tic-Tac-Toe tournament.

By the time morning break arrived, the three _sprinted _down to the Protection from the Evils classroom, where Simon was just finishing his first class of the day. As he dismissed them, Mario led the other two into the room and cleared his throat. "Er... Mr. Belmont?"

Simon turned towards him, returning his yellow eye to a normal position as he did- he must have seen them coming. "Oh, Mario, I was wondering if you would be here soon. Come on in." He beckoned them into his office. "Well, it is no mystery what you're here about- go ahead. Ask and ye shall receive."

"Did you find von Karma?" Mario wasted no time.

"Nope," Simon grumbled, taking out a piece of candy- it looked like cherry-flavored laffy taffy- and popping it into his mouth. "Not even with that Guide of yours- grabbed it first chance I got, but it was not any help."

"He teleported away?" Link raised his eyebrows.

"Can't teleport when you're on Smash Bros. turf," Zelda repeated for the umteenth time. "As far as how he disappeared... I'm sure there are other ways. For instance... just how deep into the Lost Woods did you go? The Guide only shows up to a certain point."

Simon chuckled. "Looks like that friend of yours could be a hunter herself," he addressed Mario. "She knows how to ask the right questions. But to answer it- I went pretty deep. Checked out the whole maze, and went as far as the goron colony- no sign of him whatsoever."

"And with your eye, invisibility wouldn't matter..." Mario mused.

"I'm starting to suspect someone kidnaped him," Link suggested, the look on his face very much implying he was fishing for a hunter recommendation of his own.

"A pretty obvious conclusion, if you think about it," Simon brushed him aside, leaving him to cry into Mario's shoulder.

When he finished, he straightened up and asked, "So... Kurain, then, maybe? Maybe whoever did it... took him _to _Kurain?"

"I wish I could narrow it down that far," Simon shook his head hopelessly. "Just about the only place we know for certain that he _is not..._ is here."

He let out a groan as he stretched. Finally, he focused back on them. "Listen up, you three- I have heard quite a few stories about you since I got here, and while every teacher and staff member tells it their own way, the common theme across them all is that you tend to consider yourselves amateur detectives- regular Encyclopedia Browns, can _not _see a mystery without feeling the need to solve it. But in this case, take my advice- leave it to the professionals. The Government and the Master Hand both have their best people on the case, and you've got plenty to worry about without adding von Karma to the list, okay? For now, just focus on that last trial."

"Tri- oh, yeah..."

Mario was taken aback- so much had happened since the orientation that he'd almost forgotten the reason he'd been out there to begin with.

"After the crud the first two put you through, this one should be easy street," Simon leaned back. "Go through a few hedges, gank some demonic sons of b****es... after all that stuff before, the Hylian Stone, the Dungeon of Secrets... this should be a slice of pie."

"You mean a piece of cake?"

"I know what I said."

"You know, we helped him through those things," Link put in, clearly fishing for compliments of any sort at this point.

Simon finally rendered some upon him. "Then help him through this one, and he has got these games in the bag. In the meantime, you three should keep looking after yourselves. I'll be looking out for you too, of course, but keep your eyes open anyways- I cannot protect you all the time."

XXXX

Well, they didn't have to wait long for Roy's reply- it was in the next morning's mail, along with the first issue of Zelda's subscription to the _Tribune. _Mario hesitated on opening Roy's letter, allowing Zelda to scan the paper for anything her metallic rival had to say. Finally, she closed it, looking satisfied. "Nothing," she smiled. "Looks like she hasn't found out about von Karma yet."

"And the longer _that _status quo keeps, the better off we'll all be," Mario agreed. "Alright, what's Strider got to say?"

What followed was probably Roy's angriest letter yet- or since.

_MARIO M. MARIO! What the smeg were you THINKING?! Walking off into the Lost Woods with Sonic like that- a known enemy! In a time when we KNOW someone out there has it in for you! What, you think this whole fiasco with the Bottle happened by ACCIDENT?! Use your head- I know your Mom and Dad left you one! New homework assignment- a promise you won't do anything like that again, due in my hands tomorrow morning! In the meantime, play everything as safely as possible- learn defensive moves, practice combat, do anything and everything you have to to get yourself through that last trial! You probably want to investigate von Karma, but leave that one alone for now- your priority right now should be getting through that labyrinth at all costs. I want that letter tomorrow- if I don't get it, I will NOT hesitate to pester you until I do! Keep letting me know about anything strange, and you could do worse than to let the Master Hand in on it, too. In the meantime, as usual, 708. _

_Strider._

"Oh, for crying out loud, everyone lecturing me to death about keeping myself safe- what, do they think I just walk around with my eyes shut, slamming into every wall I can? And getting it from _Strider,_ of all people, after everything _he _did at school?" Mario knew Roy was looking out for him, but it was hard to keep the indignation out of his voice.

"And he's grown up a bit since then!" Zelda countered. "Strider, Simon, they just want you to be safe!"

"Zelda, I think it's okay to relax a bit," Mario muttered. "I mean, I haven't been attacked yet this year- all anyone's done is-"

"Enter you in a brutal tournament that could easily cost you your life," Zelda interrupted. "I don't know why they did that, but it sure as heck wasn't for craps and giggles."

"Let's look at this logically," Mario argued. "Let's go with the assumption that whoever attacked Sonic did it so they could get at von Karma- well, I was right there with them, wasn't I? If they were after me, that would have been a _great _time to do it- but they didn't!"

"That's the point Strider was trying to make!" Zelda rebutted. "It _would _have been a great time to do it- that's why it was so dangerous! But as far as why they didn't- kind of hard to make something like that look like an accident, wouldn't you say? If they wanted you dead, better to leave it to the monsters in that maze!"

"Except," Mario pointed out, "Sonic was there, too! Unless they were just a _really _big fan of Sonic, they could have just killed us both off and made it look like we had a disagreement that really escalated- apparently, Strider thought that was a legitimate possibility!"

"Mario, I don't pretend to understand the thought process of whoever's doing all this," Zelda raised her hands to her head. "There are too many variables, and we don't have enough information to even _begin_ filling them all in! But they're right, Mario, they're right- you need to get through that labyrinth before we start worrying about anything else- once you're on the safe end of this last trial, I'll do all the investigating with you that I want, but until then, we just need to keep you safe."

XXXX

And so it came to be that Mario was more or less placed under house arrest- and let him tell you, the great outdoors never seemed greater than when you weren't allowed to go out and enjoy them. Once more, Samus proved surprisingly accommodating, setting aside some empty classrooms and allowing the Golden Trio to utilize them for practice. Which was all well and good, but Link and Zelda were really starting to dread the inevitable burn marks inherent in training a pyromancer.

"Here's a suggestion," Link grumbled at one point. "We knock Bowser unconscious in the dead of night, drag him up here, tie him up, and let Mario use him for target practice?"

Zelda seemed equally disgruntled as she went through her fourth bottle of Tessie's special burn ointment that week. "You know, Mario, if it's all the same to you, I think you've got the basics down pat- what we really need is to get to work on developing your shield."

"_My _shield?" Mario asked confusedly.

"Well, every smasher has their own method of summoning a shield, after all," Zelda nodded. "Even Link, who carries one around with him all the time."

"Dang straight," Link smiled. "I can lend it to you, if you want, Mario."

"Nah, I think I'll work on developing my own," Mario started, getting ready to summon a wall of fire- but he was interrupted as the bell rang. "Huh. Well, smeg."

"Got to go," Zelda spoke quickly. "Don't want to be late for Professor Layton's class... again. Have fun with Lucario!"

"Yeah... right," Mario muttered unenthusiastically, turning and walking out with Link at his side. The sun was shining bright that day, leading Link to some dark muttering. "Usually, I'm down with a nice, sunny day, but with Lucario? Smeg, it'll be stuffy there... if only the moron ever put out that dang fire..."

And Link's prediction proved truer than some of Lucario's- Mario had to struggle to take in air as they entered Lucario's attic chamber. The first thing he did was sprint to a window seat, Link at his side, and force the window open when Lucario was distracted. Ah, nice and warm, but with a gentle breeze... this was bliss...

_And so, we now find ourselves at the tail end of your fourth years of education, _Lucario began, finally turning his attention to his class. _As great a topic as astrology undoubtedly is, we are entering the final weeks left to us to discuss it. We now come closer to home than ever before, for the first time entering our own solar system, turning our attention to Mercury, the messenger, and Mars, bringer of war..._ As he spoke- er, thought- Darth Vader's theme began playing in the background. _When these two forces are brought together in our night sky, it is always portentous of the deep, dark, and dangerous. _

Lucario was carrying on, but something about the mixed effects of the warmth, the breeze, and Lucario's droning voice was having a soporific effect on Mario. Seriously, the only teacher more boring than Lucario was Professor Andonuts himself- Mario was finding more interest in the potato that had somehow found its way onto the windowsill. He fought the nagging tentacles of sleep closing in on his vision, but it was a losing battle as his lids began close...

XXXX

_Mario was flying. He had no need of steed to do this- he was simply soaring through the air, absent of any support from outside forces. Anywhere he wanted to go, he merely had to think about it, and there he was. Beneath him, he could see the sprawling lands of dream... the high mountains of Kadath, the rolling green fields of Ermengarde, the great kingdom of Celephais... but something drew him towards more earthly lands..._

_Across the Rue d'Auseil, past the lands of Dunwich, Arkham, and Innsmouth- he had no taste for the residents of those lands, and even less business there. It was only after what seemed like many ages of traveling that he finally began to cross lands he recognized- Podunk, Ellay, Onette, Twoson... Threed. He didn't know how he knew the names of all these town, but know them he did. Finally, his attention was drawn to a house on Threed's outskirts- a dark, decrepit building that seemed like it had been uninhabited for years now... there... yes, there... something was drawing him there..._

_He swooped down and through a window into a dark room lit only by a fire. Behind him, the day had suddenly turned to night, twin moons hanging in the sky above him. He stood behind a chair, and on the other side crouched two figures- a man, and a strange creature resembling a skeletal turtle, shown to be alive only by the light in its eyes..._

"_So sorry, dry bones," spoke the voice of the legion from within the chair. "I know I promised you Mumkhar's flesh, but it seems it still has its uses."_

_The other figure, a greasy, oily-haired man with the shadow of a beard on his chin, winced. "I... I can't apologize enough, sir..."_

"_Silence!" the chair-voice barked. "It is only through sheer, dumb luck that you now live. My _competent _servant has managed to repair the situation _you _caused, and as such... you have earned a further few years of life. Pray that you use it well. In the meantime, let's get to harvesting your replacement- Mario... Mario..."_

"_Thank you, sir... thank you..."_

"_Normally, I'd let you go, now... but not today."_

_A note of nervousness entered Mumkhar's voice as he stammered out, "Sir... please, have mercy..."_

"_I ordered you to watch over him, to ensure that he never made contact with _anyone, _least of all that fool of a hand... you did not succeed. While chance has earned you your life, I must remind you what happens to those who disappoint me..."_

"_Please, mercy, sir... have mercy!"_

_The voice laughed. "Sorry, Mumkhar... all out of mercy." A whip seemingly made of light rose above the chair, and cracked down on the cowering man. "Pain! Despair! Terror! Anguish! Pain! Pain! Pain!"_

_Mumkhar let out screams, thrashing around the ground as pain coursed through his body, and abruptly, Mario's scar opened up, as though someone were carving it open anew with a white-hot knife... it was more pain than he'd ever felt in his life..._

XXXX

"Mario! _Mario!_"

Mario snapped up, the pain in his scar lessening as he realized where he was- he was back in Lucario's classroom, and the entire class, Link in particular, were looking at him closely with concern in their eyes. "Are you alright, buddy?" the green-clad swordsman asked.

_Does he _look _okay? _Lucario interrupted. _I have seen this look before- the look of one who has transcended the boundaries of mortality, who has been thrust into the world beyond! What has occurred here, Mario? Have you glimpsed the future? Have you witnessed the arrival of something that should not be? The keeper of the gates, the crawling chaos, the king in yellow, the living flame- has one of them made contact with you?_

"No, I haven't seen Nyarko, Hasuta, or Kuuko," Mario shook his head, to the confusion of everyone present except for Link. "Though I _would _like to trade notes with Kuuko... anyways, it's just a headache, nothing else to it. If it's alright, I should probably go and see Nurse Tessie." He asked to be polite, but he was already standing as he said it.

_But you _must _have seen _something_! _Lucario objected. _Rolling on the floor like that, clutching your forehead... I know a vision when I see one, Mario! Please, share it with me, and I will allow you to see things that you have never- _

"No, seriously, I'm sure that Nurse Tessie can set it straight just fine," Mario shook his head. "Hate to run out like this, but I've _really _got to go."

He threw a meaningful_ fill you in later _look at Link, then tore off into the hallways, with no intention whatsoever of making tracks to Nurse Tessie. Roy had made it very clear what he should do if something odd happened again- go straight to the Master Hand. Remembering what had happened way back at the story's beginning, he set to work remembering as many details as he could, desperate to pass as many on to the hand as he could. It was much the same as the one that woke him up all those chapters ago, the voice in the chair- it couldn't be anyone else but Tabuu- and when one added Mumkhar and the skeletal koopa into the equation...

And what were they saying, again? Mumkhar had messed up somewhere along the line, apparently- Tabuu had been so angry he'd been on the verge of killing him, but another follower had fixed it, sparing Mumkhar's life... and Tabuu was planning on replacing his head on the chopping block... with Mario...

So deep in thought was he that he had to double back in the hall containing the Master Hand's mural- he'd walked right past it without a thought. It was only when the voice asked once more, "What's the greatest snack in the world?" that he realized he still didn't know the magic words that would allow him into the hand's office.

Sighing, he started with the first thing that came to mind- "Red vines!"

"WRONG!" Yeah, he'd expected as much.

"Alright, what else does he like? Hmmmm... skittles?"

"WRONG!"

"Wrigley's gum?"

"WRONG!"

"...Star bits?"

"WRONG, WRONG, AND _DOUBLE _WRONG!"

Mario was losing his patience. In his anger, he lashed out with his foot, smashing it against the wall... and immediately suffering the consequences.

"AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH! SLIPPIN' RIPPIN' DANG FANG ROTTEN ZARG BARG-A-DING-DONG!" he slipped into angrish in his efforts to curse no further. "WHAT'S IN A FLIPPING WONDERBALL?!"

And then, out of seemingly nowhere, the wall slid away, revealing the staircase behind it. Mario was so shocked that he froze, anger and pain forgotten. "W...wonderballs? That's the answer? Wow, feel sorry for the old hand... they discontinued those things a _while _back..."

Nonetheless, he dashed up the stairs to the large door set with the Smash Bros. coat of arms that signified this as the Master Hand's office. He was on the verge of knocking when he was distracted by a raised voice on the other side- a strange, faux-British voice. "Frankly, Mr. Hand, I couldn't disagree more- there is not a scrap of evidence to support your theorem! I have to agree with Martin- if anyone could have gotten lost as easily as that, it would be Adrian Andrews."

"And what of Mark Fishbach?" came the voice of the Master Hand.

"If the Government of Smashing investigated every case of a _muggle _getting hit by a car, we'd be far too shortstaffed to deal with real problems," the faux-British voice said dismissively.

"How about we ask what Olimar thinks?" came another voice- that was Simon Belmont, and, to Mario's surprise, it was, indeed, Olimar Tate that spoke next.

"Well, honestly, I think that-"

"Nobody cares what Olimar thinks!" the faux-British voice interrupted. "There is no evidence whatsoever that either Adrian or Mr. Fishbach met with anything but perfectly normal fates- I'm sure Adrian Andrews will be able to testify to such as soon as we find her- and there's even _less _evidence linking them to Manfred von Karma!"

"Well, if nobody cares what Olimar thinks," Simon growled, "what do _you _think happened, Mr. President?"

"Well, it's certainly not outside the realms of probability that Manfred finally bit off more than he could chew- drove himself insane with his own work schedule. Either that, or... well, it's foolish to formulate theories without information- one can't make bricks without clay, after all. Though I _will _say... you found him near the _Elsa, _correct? The Sohnee submarine?"

"Indeed, we did," the Master Hand agreed. Mario blinked. Was it just him, or was there the slightest trace of anger in the hand's voice.

"Well, there seems to be one suspect you've overlooked- Okami Amaterasu! After all, I'm certain you know of her status as a-"

"I am _very _aware of her status as one of the greatest headmistresses in Sohnee's recent history," the Master Hand cut faux-British voice off. "She has never given me the slightest reason to distrust her."

"Mr. Hand!" the faux-British voice spoke with a new note of anger. "You are not biased in her favor because of your half-brother, are you? Not all with ancient blood are harmless- in fact, I'm not sure I'd even call your brother that!"

"I acknowledge that I find Amaterasu no more suspicious than Crazy," the Master Hand agreed, "but I assure you there is no correlation between the two. Perhaps you are the one with an ingrained bias, hm?"

"Well, I think it is about time we wrapped this one up, what say you?" Simon spoke up.

"I... I... I agree with Simon," Olimar spoke tentatively. "Maybe we should just wrap up this investigation as soon as-"

"Well, that too," Simon's voice indicated a shrug. "But that is not really what I was talking about- I was more referring to the red-hatted student standing just outside the door- at a guess, I would say he wants to talk with you, Mr. Hand."

_XXXX_

Much shorter chapter than usual, thought I'd get it up early to make up for that little hiatus back there. Next chapter should be up later this week, and should be much longer. Also, I'm thinking of taking all the graveyard chapters (there are several) and combining them all into one big monster chapter. Yeah... yeah, I think I'll do that, unless anyone out there has any major objections. In the meantime, as ever, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!


	36. Manfred von Karma: Ace Attorney

Gamer4 in. There's a particular bit of this chapter liable to take quite a bit to write, so I'm getting started a little earlier than I'd previously intended- here's hoping that amounts to something. Finally giving _Treasure of the Rudra _another go after rage quitting a few weeks back... got that on one window, Nyarko on the other... I am in the zone. Let's do this!

Disclaimer: And my heart will be where I'll lead this despair, 'til the tears all dry up and finally stop! No goal has been found, but we're not turning around, we're tearing through the wind we knew, running and not slowing down!

Chapter XXX

Manfred von Karma: Ace Attorney

Mario didn't even have time to flinch before the door swung open before him. "Well, well, do not be shy, come on in," Simon grunted.

Mario braced himself, and did so.

It had been two years since Mario had first entered this space, and it had lost none of its splendor in the meantime- a truly beautiful chamber that reflected the soul of its resident- cluttered and insane on the surface, but with a kind, gentle tone beneath it all. Watching over it were living pictures of all the school's previous headmasters and mistresses- currently fast asleep.

In the middle of it all were the people standing in the middle of debate- the Master Hand, floating serenely behind a mahogany desk- Simon, standing with a scowl off to the side- and little Olimar Tate, with his overlarge nose, space helmet, and a few hairs on his head, standing next to the room's final resident- a tall man in an old-fashioned business suit, and filling out the stereotype of a cold businessman in every way possible- neat brown hair, a pencil-thin moustache, and a severe expression to greet anyone who met his cold, blue eyes- he was even carrying a walking stick, for Wave Existence's sake.

Olimar visibly brightened when he noticed Mario entering- "Oh, Mario, my boy! How's it going?"

"Getting a little tired of people calling me 'my boy,'" Mario shrugged honestly.

"As always, that same old straight man charm," Olimar nodded warmly.

"I would not permit him to speak to me that way, if I were you," the man in the suit responded coldly.

Olimar shook his head. "Mr. Ryan, Mario Mario. Mario, this is my successor as president of smashing, Mr. Andrew Ryan."

"Nice to meet you," Mario plastered a smile onto his face as he produced a hand for the newest president to shake. President Ryan, however, turned his back on him, back towards the Master Hand.

"Do not think you will curry favor with me the way you did with Mr. Tate," he scoffed. "I am wise to the ways of the world, and you will receive no special treatment from me for your tragic backstory."

"He's a little rough around the edges," Olimar noted apologetically to Mario. "But he's really a good guy, once you get to know him."

"Wasn't your replacement someone named Harkinian?" Mario asked, recalling earlier on this very story.

"Well, yes..." Olimar nodded uncomfortably. "But the thing is, King Harkinian was killed... not long ago, now... he was taking a routine trip through the Nowhere Islands, went missing, and turned up dead a few weeks later- beaten over the head with a blunt instrument."

"That's terrible!" Mario gasped.

"Indeed," Andrew agreed in that cold voice of his. "However, at least it made way for a stronger leadership in this country- under my reign, the smashers need not idols, gods, _or _kings- only men. Now, the Master Hand tells me that you are the one who discovered Mr. Von Karma on the premises?"

"Yeah, that was me," Mario nodded. "And incidentally, there were no traces of wolves anywhere near him- just throwing that out there." No point pretending he hadn't heard everything beforehand.

The Master Hand gave a light chuckle, Olimar blinked in surprise, and even the corner of Simon's mouth twitched. As far as President Ryan, however- he showed no signs of shock whatsoever. "In situations like this, it pays for us to consider all possibilities." He shook his head. "At any rate, I believe we've postponed this inspection long enough- if you would be so good, Mr. Hand..."

"I assume you wanted to speak with me, Mario?" the Master Hand guessed as he rose to follow Andrew Ryan out.

"Yeah..."

"Well, this shouldn't take too long- I've got a bowl of skittles over on the table, feel free to have at them."

"Thanks, sir."

As they all filed out, Olimar at the end, Mario turned to him and spoke one last time- "If it's all the same to you, sir, _I _care what you think."

Olimar gave another slight smile. "Thanks, my boy... thank you very much."

And then Mario was alone. Well, not _quite- _he couldn't help but smile when a look around the office revealed unto him a brilliant yellow-and-red bird wreathed in flame. "Hey, there, Wright," he smiled. Wright the Ho-oh, the Master Hand's beloved companion who had once rescued him in a time of great need. The great bird seemed to be smiling gently as he gazed down upon his visitor.

Mario had been on the verge of panicking back there in Lucario's classroom, but something about being up here made him feel much safer. The pain in his scar had finally left, he was in what had to be the safest room in the entire country at the moment, and he was about to tell everything to the one smasher he was certain could help. Unable to help himself, he took a seat in the Master Hand's chair, claiming it like a throne. Childish, maybe, but give him a break- it wasn't like he ever got the chance to cut loose at the Smiths'.

Looking around, he saw plenty of reminders of his years at the Smash Bros.- the Sorting FLUDD, resting peacefully on a nearby shelf, waiting to sort the next generation once the time came. The Monado, a brilliant red sword marked by a central piece of glass where were inscribed the words, _Hey, everybody, it's Chuggaaconroy!_\- the sword brought to him in the Dungeon of Secrets and allowing him to kill its monstrous inhabitant. And, an equal shade of red... the book on the desk in front of him.

Mario blinked- no, he didn't recognize this book, but just looking it over, it didn't seem like a tome the Master Hand would own. The cover was bound by a dark red leather- but where the Monado's red put him in mind of a bright fire, this book's red reminded him more of blood. It was held closed by a buckle- a buckle inscribed with several odd designs, and decorated with what appeared to be skulls. The buckle was actually undone at the moment- it seemed like the Master Hand had closed it quickly when he'd last been reading it. The pages were strange as well- several of them seemed to be made of separate materials, ranging from regular paper to papyrus, to what may have been _animal skin- _and they varied in size just as much as they did in their components. Really, it seemed less like a book and more like a badly-bound collection of papers- and yet they were all attached to the spine.

Mario glanced up at where the Master Hand had disappeared, helping himself to a few yellow skittles. Surely, he wouldn't object to Mario perusing this interesting book- he would have made a point to tell him otherwise, wouldn't he? Besides, if it looked like the book contained things he shouldn't know about, it would be pretty easy to close it, right?

Or maybe he was just trying to excuse his curiosity, because he _really _wanted to see what this book contained- his attention had been seized, and he was starting to think he wouldn't rest well until he'd had a look inside.

Neither the cover nor the spine held any sort of title, so Mario opened it up to a random page to see if he could try and figure out just what type of book this was supposed to be. What he found was... not what he'd expected. Rather than any sort of print, it seemed each page of the text was handwritten- in a very familiar font. He'd only gotten a few words into the page he was on before the thought occurred- wait, was this the Master Hand's diary? The way the words were arranged, the handwriting, the selection of language... it all seemed to indicate that. In which case, he really shouldn't be reading this after all...

He was on the point of shutting the book once more, until... a voice started speaking. The Master Hand's voice. Mario looked around in panic for a second, before realizing that this voice was much like Lucario's- it wasn't someone else in the room speaking, it was more like it was speaking directly into his mind. And this is what it said:

_I can remember that day all too well. A trial that I would rather have not attended, if I am being honest with myself, but my status, both as a member of the law, and as Simon's comrade, beckoned me forward nonetheless. It was quite an occasion- Manfred von Karma, offering a deal with a criminal? But, as everyone knew, von Karma cared only to imprison as many suspected starmen as he could..._

Mario looked around, still looking for the voice, though he knew it was futile. It wasn't until he looked back at the book that his heart jolted- the text was beginning to glow- and it was getting brighter, brighter, brighter, until it had blinded Mario to all else...

XXXX

And the next thing Mario knew, he was waking up. He was sitting in a chair in a large room, made of paneled wood polished almost to a mirror shine. Specifically, he was sitting in the benches on one side of what seemed to be galleries overlooking what looked like- to his limited knowledge- a courtroom, albeit a courtroom of the likes he'd never seen before. The galleries were filled with several men and women gazing down at the courtroom- he'd never seen this many adults in the Smash Mansion, which, in his mind, begged the question where, exactly, he was, in that case. This certainly resembled no room he'd seen in the Smash Mansion before, nor had he ever seen anything like it on the Bomber's Guide. Nobody seemed to be paying him any mind, either- they were all fixated on courtroom area. Looking around in befuddlement, he gave a yelp when he saw that he was sitting right next to a gigantic right hand, freed from arm or body, floating there in a white glove. "Oh, Mr... Master Hand!" he gasped. "Sorry about- didn't mean to- I was just... where are we?"

But the Master Hand gave no sign that he'd heard- his attention, like everyone else's, seemed fixed on the ground beneath them.

For some odd reason, something was tickling at the edges of Mario's memory... it seemed that something like this had happened before... he stretched his mind back as far as it would go, then began giving it more and more slack, going over everything that had happened to him over the past three-almost-four years, trying to recall why a situation this bizarre seemed even _remotely _familiar.

Then a set of words came to him- _Dungeon of Secrets- the Proof in the Planner. _That was right... two years ago, he'd been investigating an old school planner on suspicion of it holding the secret to the mystery of that particular year, only to find himself drawn into the memories of said planner's old owner... granted, back when he'd done that, the memories had been a monochrome black and white- it looked like this book had upgraded to color- but unless he was wrong, he was living that same experience over again. Turning to the other side, he jumped as he saw Simon Belmont glowering down at the courtroom as well- and though he had one missing eye, he seemed much less scarred than he had before.

Experimentally, he turned and tried to touch the Master Hand- his hand passed right through. Sure enough, just like on that occasion, he was really like an invisible specter, passing through the years to witness this event- they couldn't see, smell, touch, or hear him. So _now _the question was... what, exactly, was the event he was witnessing?

Turning back to the ground, he saw two more benches, one beneath each gallery, as well as what appeared to be the witness stand... and the chair for the accused. He could only assume the benches were for the prosecution and defense, and the witness stand seemed pretty standard, but that chair for the accused sent chills down his spine- it seemed normal enough, until one noticed the small chains that snaked around it, leaving no doubt in Mario's mind what they were there for.

For the moment, the only people there were in the gallery, which only changed as a door behind the witness's stand opened, and a large group of people entered- or rather, three people, one of whom was being dragged in by two large floows.

Mario couldn't sense them- they were, after all, just shadows of a past already gone by- but they turned his blood to ice nonetheless. Even reminders of those creatures was more than he'd like, especially since he'd been given that unholy glimpse of their true natures, one year ago...

He was glad when this reverie was broken off by recognition of two of the people being escorted into the courtroom- one was Manfred von Karma, back at the height of his glory, dressed in his austere clothing, his hair kept slicked back, and his cane at his side. That omnipresent glare of his was firmly in place as he took up residence behind one of the benches. The other bench, meanwhile, was taken up by an aging, balding man with thick glasses- he lacked any real presence, leaving Mario free to turn to the accused, currently being chained in the chair by those dark creatures...

Mario's jaw dropped. This man had an entirely different bearing from what Mario recognized- he had not yet become the smug winnicot Mario knew he was destined to- but there was a trace of that air around him nonetheless, detectable even through that helmet- that helmet that was present, even now, at what must be the lowest point of his life...

A bailiff entered the room as the floows left, announcing, "All rise, for the honorable Judge... er... Judge... I forget his name... for the honorable Judge!"

Everyone stood as an old man assumed the final chair in the chamber- raised high above the rest. He was bald, had a truly impressive beard that absorbed even his moustache, all snowy white, and was dressed in classic judge's robes. He sat down, and everyone else followed suit. The Judge donned a pair of spectacles to examine a paper in front of him. "Very well," he spoke in a voice that definitely showed his age, "let us commence the trial of John H. Siebzehn vs. the State. Hmm... I recall a case like this not long ago. Mr. Von Karma?"

Von Karma glowered as he adopted his usual pose of tightly gripping his left shoulder with his right. "You recall correctly, your honor- this man was only convicted a few months ago. However, he has approached the government with a proposal- which I will now allow the defense to explain, if he feels up to the challenge."

"Who, me?" the man behind the defense's desk jumped. Mario cringed- his voice was exceedingly high and shrill. "But... but..."

"Hmm... Mr... Winston Payne, correct?" the Judge asked, turning his attention towards said man.

"Yes, that's me, your honor," Mr. 'Payne' nodded.

"Are you not a prosecutor yourself?"

"Of course, your honor- they call me the rookie killer, actually- but we're so short on defense attorneys in these dark times that Mr. Von Karma sought to assign me to a few defense cases anyways."

"Ah, yes, that makes sense," the Judge nodded serenely, and even though he was from the distant future, with no real stake in what was going on, Mario couldn't help but think, _No, no it flipping doesn't!_

"At any rate," Payne continued, "my client spent a great deal of time in service to the Great Darkness, this much is true... however! It must also be noted that he has already served a great deal of time in Subspace, enough to drive most others to madness- I believe that it would be no stretch to say he has had time to rethink his life decisions. Considering this in addition to his choice now to aid us in the war effort, I strongly endorse his petition for early release."

"I see," the Judge nodded. "And what are _your _thoughts, Mr. Von Karma?"

"I believe we should see what he has to say, and make our decision then," von Karma rumbled. "If he produces names of genuine importance, the prosecution _may _be inclined to take this request into consideration."

Mario jumped as a voice scoffed right next to him. "What a load of smeg." That was Simon. "I'd even believe he'd do it, too, you know? Von Karma doesn't really care about justice, just that perfect trial record of his. If he can add a few more dark smashers to his list, he'll let this one go. Why not hear what he has to say then wing him right back to Subspace, huh? Let the floows take care of him."

The Master Hand gave a grunt that sounded surprisingly disdainful, for something coming from the old hand.

"Oh, I forgot," Simon smirked. "You're not too fond of our newest allies, are you?"

"Calling an alliance with floows a 'double-edged sword' is putting it far too mildly," the Master Hand agreed. "If there is one race in this vast world of ours that I believe deserves no consideration, it is them."

"Desperate times, desperate measures, Matty," Simon shrugged. "I don't care for those demonic sons of b****es any more than you do, but sometimes, needs must."

"'Acceptable risks...' I despise that term," the Master Hand grunted.

There was plenty of chattering going on all over the courtroom at these proceedings, until the Judge banged his gavel a couple of times. "Order! Order in the court! Now, Mr. Payne, what, exactly, is the information your client claims to offer?"

"Names, sir," Winston Payne bowed. "He claims to have the names of several starmen still at large!"

"In which case, I would be delighted to hear them," von Karma growled. "Witness... begin your testimony."

The Master Chief turned to stare at him, then gave a curt nod.

XXXX

_**WITNESS TESTIMONY**_

_To begin with, I want to say that the starmen are a tight organization, one that I now regret ever entering in the first place._

_The Great Darkness, whatever else may be said of him, is both wise and cunning- the only one to know the names of every starman was... the Great Darkness himself. As for the rest of us-_

"OBJECTION!" von Karma rumbled. "I did not ask for a preamble, Mr. Siebzehn! I understand that the Great Darkness will have utilized such safety measures- and quite wisely, it seems- however, that is irrelevant to the case at hand! All that matters now, in this moment, are the names you _do _have- you _do _have some names, correct?"

"I... I do," the Master Chief stuttered. Mario blinked- wow, even the Master Chief was cowed by this guy. "I offer them now as a sign of the remorse I feel in my heart- the regret I feel when I remember the scared faces-"

"OBJECTION!" von Karma repeated. "Enough sniveling apologies- the names will be enough. Now, let us try this testimony again- from the beginning."

XXXX

_**WITNESS TESTIMONY**_

_Very well. To begin with, the first starman I know of off the top of my head is Ares Kreeg- a part ancient staunch defender of the Great Darkness, he joined him purely to be directed towards more blood to spill._

_In addition, I would point my finger towards Oersted J. Dio, a once noble man who fell to darkness after years of torment by the _Great_ Darkness- I pity him, yes, but I know for a fact he wore the Mark of the Emissary proudly upon his arm._

_I have several more, but I am running short on time- Cackletta Beanbean, responsible for the deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Edgeworth- Straybow Lucretia, master of mind control who turned Oersted against the light in the first place- Zant Labrynna, a spy set by the Great Darkness in the government itself!_

_Of course, I would be remiss if I forgot to mention Wolf O'Donnell, master of the Evils and one of the starmen's most powerful practitioners thereof._

XXXX

"That is... quite a list," the Judge nodded, going over them in his head. "Bailiff, did you get all those?"

"Don't bother _too _quickly," von Karma smirked and wagged his finger in an 'uh-uh' sort of way. "If I may, your honor..."

XXXX

_**REBUTTAL**_

_Very well. To begin with, the first starman I know of off the top of my head is Ares Kreeg- a part-ancient staunch defender of the Great Darkness, he joined him purely to be directed towards more blood to spill._

"OBJECTION!" von Karma bellowed. "Ares Kreeg has already been apprehended. I do not doubt you weren't aware of this- he was placed in a much higher security wing of Subspace than your petty acts could afford."

"You don't say?" the Master Chief responded, and Mario thought he could sense the sweat starting to form beneath that helmet of his. "Well, glad... glad to hear it..."

"But that was just one name of many!" Mr. Payne pointed out. "Please, your honor, allow him to continue..."

_In addition, I would point my finger towards Oersted J. Dio, a once noble man who fell to darkness after years of torment by the _Great _Darkness- I pity him, yes, but I know for a fact he wore the Mark of the Emissary proudly upon his arm._

"OBJECTION!" von Karma bellowed once more, another nasty smirk crossing his face. "If you truly pity him, rest assured you need do so no longer- Oersted was killed in action not too long ago."

"And he didn't go quietly, either, I'll tell you that," Simon muttered, fingering the patch where he would eventually get a large, yellow, replacement eye.

"Per... perhaps that was... the best fate for him..." the Master Chief stuttered. "At any rate... I do... I _do _have more names..."

_I have several more, but I am running short on time- Cackletta Beanbean, responsible for the deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Edgeworth- Straybow Lucretia, master of mind control who turned Oersted against the light in the first place- Zant Labrynna, a spy set by the Great Darkness in the government itself!_

"HOLD IT!" von Karma bellowed, and this time, Mario could tell that he'd taken the Chief's words to heart- the look on his face would indicate he'd just been shot. "Z...Zant... Labrynna? The Zant Labrynna who works in the SCP Foundation?"

"The very same!" the Master Chief nodded eagerly. "We were always wondering when he'd be found out, if only just by his eyes- we thought everyone could see it, that lust for power burning in his pupils-"

"Which is all well and good," von Karma interrupted, "but we've already got Cackletta and Straybow. Be comforted in the fact that you've given us _one _genuinely helpful name. Very well, let's wrap this trial up-"

"HOLD IT!" came the unpleasant, screechy voice of Winston Payne. "He has one more name- or did you forget?"

Von Karma sighed. "Very well. Proceed."

_Of course, I would be remiss if I forgot to mention Wolf O'Donnell, master of the-_

"OBJECTION!" von Karma didn't even wait for him to finish his statement this time around. "Wolf O'Donnell has already gone to trial, and has already been cleared of all charges!"

"No, that can't be true!" the Master Chief objected. "Wolf O'Donnell _is _a starman, one of the most vile, vicious-"

The Master Hand stood, shaking himself as a normal person would shake their head. "I am sorry, Mr. Siebzehn, but it is true. I have already testified to this matter- Wolf O'Donnell _was _a starman, this much is true. However, unlike some, it did _not _take the fall of the Great Darkness for him to see the error of his ways- he changed sides several months beforehand, and the information he gave us saved many lives. At this juncture, he is no more a starman than von Karma here."

"And there you have it," von Karma smiled nastily. "I move for an end to this trial... now."

As he spoke, he snapped his fingers, creating a noise that reverberated throughout the courtroom. The Judge sighed. "I call for a thirty-minute recess, during which time the court will look over the information it has received. We will reconvene afterwards to decide Mr. Siebzehn's fate..."

And suddenly, everything began to fade back into monochrome. Where things had once seemed perfectly realistic, as though he were actually there, it all began to seem more like Mario had become the resident of a crude drawing- and even that began to fade into darkness.

In the darkness, the Master Hand's voice spoke, once more sounding off within Mario's own head-

_While several trials of that age became witch hunts, the defendants declared guilty before any testimony was given, it is to my great joy that not all followed this pattern- take the trial of one Martin Ballyhoo, a Smash-Up player turned convict after finding himself on the wrong side of a particularly harsh accusation..._

And Mario looked around to find himself back in the courtroom- this time overlooking the defense's desk. Looking around, he saw different people, including Simon Belmont with both eyes intact, and understood- he'd fallen through time once more. This was a trial that took place prior to the one he'd just witnessed, and, judging from the jovial air around him, a much less serious one. He felt a stirring of anger when he spied a robot at one end of the galleries- a robot dangling upside-down from a ring around some helicopter-style rotors. It seemed Glados had reported on this trial for the _Tribune..._

The door opened, and three individuals walked in- Manfred von Karma, Winston Payne, and... M. C. Ballyhoo.

Even as a prisoner, down to the stereotypical black-and-white striped suit, Ballyhoo still wore his overlarge, purple top hat. He looked nervous, but even so, he still wore a large grin on his face- just a more nervous grin than Mario was accustomed to. Beforehand, Mario couldn't really envision Ballyhoo, of all people, as a brawler on a Smash-Up team, but seeing him as he was several years prior... now he could see it. He had more muscles than he did in Mario's own time, and was bouncing around with even more energy than he'd demonstrated then. Mario couldn't help but notice the lack of floows, and the fact that, unlike the Master Chief, Ballyhoo wasn't chained to the chair as he took his seat in it. He seemed happier when he noticed this, and looked up into the crowd, smiling and waving around a bit. Von Karma seemed even more furious at this, but the general reaction from the audience was a positive one, with smiles, and cheers, and even a few waves back.

The bailiff spoke up. "All rise for the honorable judge... er... I've really got to learn his name sometime... the honorable judge!"

And the Judge was back, taking his usual place at the top of the chamber. "We are here to witness the case of Martin C. Ballyhoo vs. the state," he spoke. "Could you give us an overview of the case, please, Mr. Von Karma?"

Von Karma slammed on the desk in front of him. "The defendant has been brought into this court on charges of starman activity- you have been witnessed passing sensitive information to those known now to be among the Great Darkness's ranks! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Mario was on the verge of face-faulting. He would readily admit that he wasn't the best judge of character, but of all the vibes he'd gotten from M. C. Ballyhoo, not _one _of them had been starman vibes. And yes, he knew he sounded like a hippy, so what, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Ballyhoo looked at the ground sheepishly. "Is this... is this where I do my testimony?"

"Yes it is, defendant, yes it is," Mr. Payne shrilled.

"Okay, here we go!" Ballyhoo smiled and began to speak.

XXXX

_**WITNESS TESTIMONY**_

_Well, I know I've been a bit of an idiot here, but..._

_But you have to believe me! I didn't think for a second that old Magalor was a starman- he was a family friend! All that time, sitting around and chatting about what the good guys were doing... I thought we were talking about things we both knew already!_

_Honestly, I've been planning to get into the government when I retire from Smash-Up- hey, not like this is a job that'll keep forever, you know?- And I thought, if I built connections with Magalor now, he might help me get a foot in the door!_

XXXX

"Hmm... a very reasonable way of thinking," the Judge mused, to general nods of agreement from the audience. "Anything to add, Mr. von Karma?"

Von Karmaglowered. "Let's just get to the rebuttal.

XXXX

_**REBUTTAL**_

_Well, I know I've been a bit of an idiot here, but..._

"HOLD IT!" von Karma interrupted. "You were caught red-handed in the Colony 6 Grill and Bar, passing information to a known advocate of the Great Darkness! This goes deeper than any idiocy!"

"Which sums up Ballyhoo in a nutshell," Simon muttered from where he was placing his face behind his hand. "I wouldn't put it past him to miss out on Magalor waving around a big old banner with Tabuu's name all over it- probably would think it was just the sign of his favorite Smash-Up team. If Ballyhoo's guilty of anything, it's sheer stupidity, not being a starman."

Von Karma, evidently, thought differently. "You have committed great transgressions here, Martin, and as such, the prosecution will settle for a term of imprisonment no less than-"

He didn't even get through this sentence before the gallery opened up, rage and hatred almost as seething as the average Youtube comments section pouring in upon him. The nicer people were threatening a boycott of anything von Karma if he followed through on this act, while the nastier ones were shouting the very unkind things they'd like to do to von Karma, his mother, and his pet goat Odie.

Von Karma narrowed his eyes at Mr. Payne, who raised his arms in an 'I'm-just-as-confused-as-you-are' kind of way. Ballyhoo, however, donned a look of hope- perhaps he wasn't about to be imprisoned for life after all!

The Judge looked utterly bewildered. "Hmm, it would seem that, under the circumstances, I have no choice in the matter! I declare the defendant, Martin C. Ballyhoo... Not Guilty!"

The words appeared in gigantic text above, and confetti began falling from seemingly nowhere, as Ballyhoo almost collapsed in relief. Mario stared as von Karma, a look of pure fury on his face, crossed to Glados and the bailiff, who were standing right next to one another. "Not a word of this in the papers, or on the court record," he spoke threateningly to them both. "As far as anyone knows, my trial record is still perfect."

"Rather deceptive for a man of your stature, is this not?" Glados asked, her optical lens zooming in on him.

"This does not count," von Karma growled. "This courtroom is a disgrace, being turned by a simple matter of popularity..."

And it happened again- the world around Mario faded into a monochrome sketch, before fading into darkness altogether. And, like before, Mario heard the Master Hand's voice:

_However, not all were as fortunate as Ballyhoo. Innocent or guilty, I know not, but one of the greatest trials that comes to mind when I remember the years after Tabuu's fall is... that day..._

And it came back- but things were much more somber this time around. Everyone in the courtroom had looks of fury, sorrow, or savage delight on their faces. For the first time, Mario spied a pair of witnesses- a short yet severe looking woman of advanced age, accompanying a young man of only four or five years old, dressed in blue overalls over green clothing, including a hat...

The Judge was already in place, as were von Karma and Winston Payne. Von Karma and the Judge looked incredibly severe in their own rights, while Winston Payne was sweating up a storm.

A bailiff came in, looking nervously around before finally saying, "They're here."

He spoke quietly, but his voice echoed through the dead silence of the chamber. The Judge nodded. "Bring them in."

The doors opened wide, and in came no less than four individuals, chained together by the ankles- a tall man with blue skin and an almost fish-like face, with bright yellow eyes alongside a much shorter individual resembling a brown lump with hands dressed in white gloves, though with no arms connecting them to his body or legs of any kind, dressed in a light blue_. _Beside them were two women- one much taller, with a purple dress and general clothing that made her resemble a bat, aside from the hat she wore on her head, covering her blood-red hair, which made her head look like a scythe. She wore a very arrogant look as she was led into the chamber and into one of the four chairs set out for them- where the two men sat in them like they were any other chairs, this woman sat in hers like a throne, and as for the other woman... well.

She was much shorter- only about as tall as Mario himself was- with icy blue hair cut pretty short in and of itself. Her clothing was something like a more feminine version of what von Karma was wearing, which, taken together with the rest of her bearing, began to stir a rather dark suspicion within the pyromancer...

Suspicions that were confirmed when the Judge spoke. "Let us commence the trial of Zant Labrynna, Magalor Krone, Veran Labrynna, and Franziska... von... Karma... vs. the State. Will you begin, Manfred?"

Von Karma was really gripping his left shoulder as he began- his knuckle was turning white. "These... these vile creatures... have been brought here on charges of the highest degree- even mind control and murder pale in comparison to what these wretches have done..."

"Papa..." Franziska spoke, tears welling up in her eyes as her father spoke. "Papa, please, you must know I did not-"

"Over the past three days, we have heard more than enough evidence against you to imprison you for life!" von Karma interrupted, fury building up in his face. "You creatures captured two of the most respected hunters in the business- Kahn and Karen Luigi! You interrogated them, intent on your beliefs that they did, indeed, have information that would lead to the resurrection of your wretched master, and to top it all off, made their innocent son, Luigi Luigi, watch it all!"

"Papa, I did not!" Franziska cried out. "I have no relation to the Great Darkness, I have never-"

"And once you began torturing them," von Karma roared, "you did not cease until they had both fallen into irreparable insanity! We have seen plenty of evidence already, but just to make things crystal clear, I call my final witness in these proceedings- take the stand, Luigi Luigi!"

Mario winced as he watched the past version of his friend be lead up to the witness stand by what Mario presumed was his grandmother. Von Karma stood before him, glowering down at him severely. "You are Luigi Luigi, the child of Kahn and Karen Luigi, are you not?"

Luigi looked down at the ground, scraping it with his ankle. "Y... yes... that's me..."

"You are aware of the crimes committed against your parents, are you not?"

"I... yeah, I am..."

"Can you identify the perpetrators of this crime?"

Luigi cringed as he looked up at the starmen in the chairs across from him. "Yes... they're right there... right in front of me..."

"NOOOOO!" Franziska cried. She leapt up from her chair, and, oblivious to the gasps of everyone in the courtroom, leapt at Luigi, clinging to his overalls as she cowered in front of him. "But I was not there, was I? I was not one of the people who tortured them, was I?!"

Luigi blinked, looking incredibly nervous. "I... I don't know... you... you might have..."

"SILENCE!" von Karma bellowed.

"But father, he does not know! I was not there!" Franziska cried. "Tell them, Luigi, tell them I was not-"

And there, before the horrified eyes of everyone in the room, and none more horrified than Luigi, the elder Karma wrenched the younger off of the boy in green and forcibly tossed her back into her chair, where the chains came to life and bound her tightly. Luigi's grandmother put her arm around her grandson and pulled him rapidly away.

The Judge shook his head. "In light of this overwhelming evidence, there is little choice in the matter- I declare the four defendants, Zant and Veran Labrynna, Magalor Krone, and Franziska von Karma... Guilty."

Franziska was still sobbing as the floows grabbed them and took them away, but Veran still hadn't had the last word- as she rose, she called out, "Delay it all you want, heathens, in the end, a delay is all it is! The Great Darkness will be back soon enough, and when that day comes, we are the ones he will reward above all! Throw us into Subspace? Pah- just a brief respite from this outside world of wollywogs, muggles, and blood traitors- we'll be back soon enough!"

"Papa!" Franziska sobbed. "Papa- I have never even _met _the Great Darkness! Please, all I wanted was to please you- as your daughter! I am your daughter!"

"YOU ARE NO DAUGHTER OF MINE!" Manfred burst out, rage in every line of his very lined face. "MY DAUGHTER DIED A MONTH AGO!"

Franziska reeled back as though she'd been punched in the stomach, and fell in, almost lifeless, with the other members heading out the doors to an ultimate fate on Prison Island.

"And with that, Mario, I think it's time to go," spoke a gentle voice at Mario's side- not in his head, this time. He turned and his stomach turned upside down when he saw the real Master Hand floating there. He reached out and touched a finger to Mario's forehead- a flash of bright light, and they were back in the Hand's office- present day.

"Curiosity isn't a sin, Mario," the Master Hand continued to speak gently, turning to the red book, closing it, buckling it, and placing it in a high shelf, "but we should still attempt to exercise control over it."

"I... I'm sorry, sir," Mario stuttered, still shaken by what he'd witnessed. He took a seat on the other side of the Hand's desk, not certain his legs would support him at this particular moment. "It's just, I was helping myself to some skittles, when I saw that book... I wanted to see more about it, but then..."

"But then," the Hand nodded. "Well, allow me to quell your curiosity- this is a most unique tome, purchased at the Happy Mask shop. It was originally developed for dark intentions, but I saw within it a brighter opportunity. It is one of a very rare collection of books capable of doing what you've witnessed. One must simply pour all their thoughts and feelings into an entry upon a piece of paper, attach that paper to the insides of the book, and voila- reading the text allows them to return to those moments in their memories, or to witness their thoughts first hand, as though they are actually happening. Observe..."

The Hand then produced a sheet of paper and a pen, and speed-sketched a woman with long hair tied in a ponytail. He attached the paper to the book, and the image began to move, developing color- the woman's hair turned blond, and her clothing turned into a black dress. "Look at these scratches in my arm," she spoke, eyes looking at the ceiling past them rather than directly at them. "He was so angry, but all I did was tease him about his relationship with Violetta Cadaverini."

"Oh, Adrian," the Master Hand shook himself. "Why, why did you need to know what he was doing?"

"When you say Adrian," Mario was struggling to put the pieces of the puzzle together, "you mean..."

"Adrian Andrews, yes," the Master Hand agreed. "That is what she was like when I was her teacher, several years ago. I've been finding myself using this tome quite often lately, trying desperately to work out a pattern, trying to find out _why _these things have been happening... but even now, no answer is forthcoming. It's maddening... at any rate, you had something you wanted to say?"

Mario started- oh, right, there was a reason he was up here to begin with. "Well, Mr. Hand... I was in Psychic Powers class, one thing led to another, and... I fell asleep."

That was the hardest part to say- he could just _feel _the scolding coming... except it never did. "Fair enough," the Master Hand shrugged. "But you wouldn't have come all the way up here just for that."

"No, I wouldn't," Mario shook his head. "I had this dream... it started off normally, I was flying over Lovecraft country... but then, it turned into a dream about Tabuu- he was torturing Mumkhar. You remember Mumkhar, right?"

"This _is _a story about Mumkhar," the Master Hand nodded.

"Tabuu had just gotten some information- something about Mumkhar messing up, but it was all fixed. He'd been planning on feeding Mumkhar to this... this big, skeleton koopa... but when he got that news, he said he'd feed me to it, instead. Then he brought out this big old whip and started using dark aperture on him, which hurt my scar so bad, I woke up."

The Master Hand was still hesitating, leading Mario to prompt him with, "And... and that's what happened."

"I see," the Master Hand nodded. "Indeed, I see, I see, Sam-I-Am..."

"Huh?"

Ignoring that, the Master Hand continued. "So, aside from this incident, and the one over the summer, have there been any others?"

"How did you know about the summer?"

"You didn't think Roy had only one contact assisting him in his current condition, did you?" the Master Hand spoke with a smile in his voice. "So, _have _there been any other incidents?"

"Are we talking in the movie, or in the book?"

"Book."

"Then no- no other instances."

"I see..."

And the Master Hand began to pace- which, in his case, amounted to floating repeatedly around the room. Finally, Mario cleared his throat. "Oh, sorry," the old hand shook his not-head, coming to rest in his chair. "I'm getting old, I tend to forget myself at times."

"Fair enough," Mario shook his own head. "But... do you know why it's happening? Why my scar's acting like this?"

"I have theories," the Master Hand answered. "I wish I could answer more, but for now, that's all I can offer."

"I'd trust your theories more than I'd trust most other people's facts," Mario smiled. "Whatcha got?"

"Well, in that case," the Master Hand spoke wonderingly, "if my theory is correct, your scar is both a harbinger of Tabuu's presence... and of his anger."

"His... anger?"

The Master Hand sighed. "You two are connected in a way that I do not believe has ever happened in smasher history before- and likely will not again. I believe that when he feels angry, that anger spills over, in part, into you."

"Then... you think my dream... it was real?"

"If reading the Heroes of Olympus series has taught me anything, it is that any dream has the potential to become reality," the Master Hand nodded. "Did you happen to see Tabuu himself?"

"No, his chair was turned away from me... but wait, that makes no sense- I thought he wasn't supposed to have a body! He was supposed to be completely ruined... but that can't be, either- I mean, how could he use his powers at all if he didn't have a body?"

"That, Mario, is the right question," the Master Hand nodded.

A very long, very awkward silence followed- Mario was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Finally, he asked, "Master... do you think... do you think Tabuu really _is _getting stronger?"

"Well, once again, all I have to offer are theories..."

"And once again, I'd go to the end of the earth based on your theories," Mario affirmed.

"Well, in that case... this year has... _felt _like it did when Tabuu was first rising. Things are happening now that happened then, as well. All these disappearances, one after the other... Adrian Andrews, disappearing in the Black Forest, right where Tabuu supposedly was last... Manfred von Karma, vanishing within the boundaries of this very school... and a third mysterious death, which, I am afraid to say, our new president places very little importance upon, for it was a muggle. I speak of one Mark Fishbach, who you may know as-"

"Markiplier!" Mario gasped. "But... but wasn't he hit by a car?"

"Maybe... but then again, maybe not. President Ryan did not examine the case as deeply as he perhaps should have- as I said, he considers it to be of little importance. However, there are several things about his death that I consider a little too strange for it to be a simple hit-and-run- I spoke to the coroners who examined him, and it seems the injuries indicative a car accident were inflicted after death- though they were unable to determine what, in that event, truly did take his life. The car accident story was what was publicized in absence of any better theories. In addition, his death occurred in the town of Threed- a town very much linked to Tabuu's past- it is where his father was born and raised."

Another silence as the Master Hand got himself a glass of water from a nearby faucet. After offering some to Mario (who politely declined), he continued. "Of course, all these things may just be a coincidence- but it has been years since I truly believed in coincidences. And if they _are _linked together... I shudder at what it might mean..."

Mario shifted his feet guiltily- not due to anything they'd talked about so far, but due to the question he was about to ask. "Er... Master?"

"Oh, please, Mr. Hand."

"Right- Mr. Hand," Mario nodded. "Umm... in that trial... the last one, that is... Luigi... Luigi's parents..."

The Master Hand didn't need him to finish. "I presume that Luigi has never told you the exact circumstances under which he fell into his grandmother's custody?"

"No, he... he never really mentioned it," Mario shook his head. Now that he thought about it, how had he never thought to ask Luigi about that? A pessimistic answer would be that he'd simply grown accustomed to the idea of those with superpowers not having parents, but still, come on!

"Indeed, the victims in that trial were Kahn and Karen Luigi- the parents of the Luigi Luigi you know and love. They were both hunters, but were overwhelmed and taken in by starmen for questioning as to how one might go about reviving their master. I'm sure you heard all that already..."

"And they killed them?"

"No," the Master Hand spoke heavily. "It pains me to say it, but it would almost be better if they had. No, they used excessive amounts of dark aperture on them- until they lost, not their lives, but their minds. They have both been taken to the Umbrella Hospital. Unless I am incorrect, Luigi visits them with his grandmother once a month- however, they are incapable of recognizing anyone... even their own son."

Mario felt his insides disappear. Luigi was among his closest friends, and yet, even after all this time of knowing him, he'd never bothered to find out...

"The Luigis were heroes to the smasher world," the Master Hand continued. "Even in the darkest of times, they were some of the brightest beacons of hope- their attack, three years after Tabuu's downfall, was a great shock to a world that had come to consider itself safe once more. To say that what ensued was a witch hunt is making it sound too just- there were far too many people crucified and lynched in the street on suspicion of affiliation with the group who'd done this terrible, terrible thing..."

"So... was Franziska innocent?" Mario couldn't help but ask.

"Mario, I wish I could tell you," the Master Hand shook his head hopelessly.

After that bright little conversation, Mario was nervous to ask anything more, but he knew he wouldn't rest until he knew- "Er... Mr. Hand?"

"Yes?"

"About... about Ballyhoo..."

"Cleared unequivocally of all charges, and not brought to trial again since," the Master Hand answered quickly.

"Glad to hear it," Mario nodded. "And... about..."

"The same goes for Wolf," the Master Hand answered before he could even ask, once more displaying that uncanny ability to see through Mario like he was made of glass.

That said, that wasn't _quite _the question Mario wanted to ask. What he really wanted to know... "What makes you so sure he turned his back on Tabuu?"

The Master Hand turned to look at him for a moment- Mario wondered what he was thinking, but by the end of it, all he said was, "That... is between Wolf and me."

The Master Hand didn't sound angry- not even remotely- but there was a finality in his voice that said this conversation had reached its conclusion. Mario nodded, and was on the verge of leaving when the Master Hand spoke up. "Mario... I have no right to tell you that you _can't _gossip, but nonetheless, I ask that you keep what you have learned about Luigi's past to yourself. I am sure he will tell others when he wants them to know- and I ask you to give him that freedom."

"Of course," Mario nodded- he'd already been planning on taking that one to the grave, if need be.

"And one last thing-" the Hand added, just as Mario's hand was on the knob- "I wish you luck in the final trial."

_XXXX_

Yeah, there's still a contest going on, after all. Wow, that chapter was pretty dark, for what I usually write. Hope that didn't put anyone off. Next time, it's finally time to move on to that final trial- where, as anyone who knows the story can tell you... everything's going to change. Hope to see you all there, and in the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.


	37. Labyrinth

Gamer4 in, and beginning to notice something of a trend- every time I start getting closer to these stories' climaxes, I start getting really excited and updating much more rapidly than I do at any other point in development. Case in point? I'm starting this chapter only a few hours after posting the last one- I'm just so excited to finally be at this point! Well, that and the usual note that it's likely to be a longy, as is the next chapter. Anyways, some unorthodox opening notes in that we're doing the Q&amp;A up here, instead of way down there- today we are addressing SpiderShadow, who would like to know exactly how old Luigi was in last chapter's flashback- which, considering the implications for the timeline... I don't blame you. He was pretty young, probably only about three or four, five at best- in this world, the attack on his parents happened a few years _after _Tabuu fell, during which the Government was rounding up all the starmen it could, but unfortunately failing to catch that specific bunch until it was too late. Hope that clears things up. Also, if it wasn't obvious, this chapter is dedicated to the memory of David Bowie- Wave Existence rest his soul. On that sombering note, let's get going.

Disclaimer: Those bitter days are calling for you and me to love! Don't you want to open that forbidden box that holds our dreams?

Chapter XXXI

Labyrinth

"You mean... the Master Hand thinks the Great Darkness is getting stronger, too?" Link whispered, terror in his eyes.

"That's what he said," Mario nodded. "Or that's his theory, at least."

As you may have guessed, the Golden Trio were currently in the hub, discussing everything that had happened earlier that day. Mario had met back up with his comrades at dinner and told them everything that had happened- with the exception, of course, of what had happened to Luigi's parents. In addition, of course, Roy had to be informed immediately- no sooner had dawn broken than an albatross had been selected from the aviary and sent out with that message. They were now in the middle of their customary 'going-over-our-new-facts-to-try-and-divine-meaning-from-them' meeting, which _really _needs a catchier name. Whatever, let's let the story continue, we'll get back to that one later.

"I can't believe it," Link muttered, shaking his head as his mind turned to another interesting tidbit Mario had uncovered. "I just can't believe it- Wolf was a starman, and the Master Hand _still _trusts him?"

"Yup," Mario nodded, leaning back in his chair. "Figured you'd get a kick out of that one. Any objections, Zelda?" Silence. "Zelda?"

Mario and Link both turned to where Zelda was wearing her 'deep-thinking face,' which neither of them dared emulate lest she fine them for copyright infringement. Now that they thought about it, she'd been surprisingly silent for the past several minutes- it had mostly been Mario talking with occasional input from Link.

Finally breaking out of her reverie, she muttered, "Glados."

"Really?" Link was on the verge of face faulting. "_Really? _We just found out that the Great Darkness is getting stronger, and all you can worry about is that useless hunk of junk?"

"It's not that," Zelda shook her head. "It's that... remember what she was saying back in Kurain? Something about Ballyhoo's sordid past, or some bull like that... well, this is what she was talking about, wasn't it? Maybe von Karma cowed her into not reporting on it, but she was there anyways, she knew about the trial, she knew what he was accused of... and like any good news reporter, went ahead and assumed he was guilty..."

"Didn't Birdo say something about that, too?" Link recalled.

"Yeah, I'm remembering something like that, too," Mario nodded. "When she found out he'd gotten an equal rank to von Karma, way back in the day, she flipped _out._ Talking about what an evil person he is... well, von Karma probably didn't have many favorable things to say about him around the house..."

"And the President's thinking Amaterasu attacked von Karma?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It was a passive guess, but yeah, that's what it sounds like- we were near the _Elsa, _after all..."

"Hmm... never thought of her as a potential suspect," Link noted thoughtfully. "We know one of her parents was an ancient, and she was pretty quick to deny it when Crazy brought it up..."

"And do you really blame her?" Zelda interjected. "Look at what happened to Crazy when word got out about _him! _Look at what she's facing now that President Ryan knows- I'm not going to say I _definitely _would, but I'd _probably _lie about my parentage, too, if I knew what I'd get for coming out with it!"

"Are you hinting at something?" Link asked, smirking at her, donning that trolling look of his. "Come on, tell us, which ancient was it? Nyarlathotep? Yog-Sothoth? Izanami?"

"Shove it, Link," Zelda muttered. Looking at her watch, she shook her head. "Nah, it's too late to do anymore training now- so much for teaching Mario how to use a shield... guess we'll have to work hard on that tomorrow- thank the Wave Existence these games are almost over, huh?"

"Preaching to the choir on that one," Mario nodded. "Alright, let's get some rest."

As Mario and Link got dressed for bed, Mario couldn't help but look over at Luigi, who had already passed out on his bed, large nose bouncing as he snored. He knew he could never truly empathize with what the boy in green must have gone through, but he gave it a shot anyways as he leaned back in his bed. He tried imagining that his parents, Jake and Sarah, were still alive, but rendered to the point of insanity so thoroughly that they no longer recognized him. Could he really define his situation as being worse than Luigi's? The answer was easy- no, he couldn't. Not even close. It sucked that his parents were dead, yes, but he couldn't even begin to _imagine _what it must be like to watch one you loved descending into a madness so thorough they no longer recognized you... he abhorred witch hunts, of course, but he could still feel a flicker of the fire in his stomach that must have burned within the stomachs of everyone who were so desperate to punish those who had done that to the Luigis... but then his thoughts strayed to Franziska von Karma... that sobbing, scared face... had she been guilty? Had she truly deserved the fate she received? Hard telling, because that very witch hunt mentality meant that no one would ever know for certain whether she was truly innocent, or shedding crocodile tears... either way, however, she was dead now, with nothing to be done about it.

Hatred began to course through Mario like a poison- hatred, not towards the government, or Manfred von Karma, or even towards the witch-hunting masses... but towards Tabuu. He'd never appreciated that monstrosity of a human being before, of course, but it was only just now, that night, that he realized how much he truly _loathed _the most evil smasher of the modern age. The one who tore families apart, who caused death, destruction and despair, all because he found it _amusing..._

XXXX

Mario knew the situation with the third trial was serious when Zelda elected to help him prepare for it over studying for her final exams. Link, he'd expected- the green swordsman was always looking for an excuse to not study at the best of times- but Zelda... _now _things were getting serious.

"You know, I can practice on my own for a bit- I'm sure it wouldn't hurt my chances _that _much," he suggested one day. "Seriously, I mean, training in the games is always just beating up on a sandbag or something like that- just leave me a baseball bat, a sandbag, and a field to knock it over, I'm sure I'll get along just fine."

"Or how about we get some sentient polygons and have you go through a gauntlet of them, followed by a metal version of yourself, and then fight the Master Hand personally?" Zelda suggested sarcastically. "Relax, Mario, it's really no big deal. We'll certainly tear smeg up in the Protection from the Evils tests."

"And it's good training for when we join the hunters' division," Link smiled from the other side of the room, where he was manually practicing swordplay. "Hey, Zelda, throw a spell at me, will ya?"

"Are you sure?" Zelda asked, turning to him.

"Yeah- hit me with your best shot!"

"I don't know..."

"Do it or I pull out the boombox and say that line again!"

"Oh, alright- Din's Fire!"

A large ball of fire shot from Zelda's fingers towards the swordsman, who grinned and thrust his shield forward, knocking the spell back at Zelda, who only narrowly dodged it. "SUCK IT, CARTER!" he burst out. Looking around with a look of confusion, he added, "Don't know why I said that..."

In the weeks coming up to the third trial, an air of excitement began to grip the mansion once more- this was the final hurdle, winner-take-all. Mario was feeling some butterflies, of course, but not as many as he had for the previous trials, which, in his mind, was down to two key things- first off, he actually knew what he'd be going up against well in advance this time, and second, because this time, he felt truly confident in saying that he'd done everything he could to prepare- nothing had been left until the last minute- all he had to do was power through one crummy old hedge maze, and he'd be in the clear.

Mario was mastering doing things with fire that he'd never have deemed possible- with Zelda and Link's instruction, he was soon able to manipulate his fire into being extensions of his arms as much as anything else, allowing him to grapple with larger opponents. He was able to magnetize his fire- yeah, say _that _one out of context, see what people say- so that tossing it in the air would always drag it to the north- kind of like that one scene in _Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, _but much cooler, because it's fire. Fire is cool. Pay no attention to the many matches and burned houses behind me. Even something as basic as his standard fireball throw had greatly increased in power- while it had always been painful, he was really starting to pack a punch, recently knocking Gato, the school's resident crash test dummy (think Buster from Mythbusters,) across the room with a well-placed blast. The only thing he was really having trouble with was that shield- try as he might, his fire simply didn't trump the spells and projectiles Link and Zelda threw at it to test its integrity.

"Don't worry about it too much," Zelda shook her head when he presented her with this concern. "It's still pretty good-" Ocelot gesture- "-for where you are now, and you've got plenty of other techniques under your belt that should come in handy."

"Yeah, just count yourself lucky that you're not as backed up as Bowser down there," Link agreed. "Seriously, get over here and see what the moron's doing now."

Mario and Zelda crossed the room and peered out the window, where the Dark Trio were standing near the Lost Woods, whispering into what appeared to be his own hands.

"Maybe he's communicating with Nyarko via the Shining Trapezohedron?" Mario suggested.

"Nah, she'd never deal with him- she'd just take it back and give it to Mahiro," Link shook his head.

"But we all know he's going for Kuuko," Zelda smiled.

"Are you kidding me?" Link stared at her. "He's totally into Hasuta!"

"Guys, this isn't really important right now," Mario shook his head. "First off, we all know he's secretly in love with Nyarko- he just can't admit it. Second, we're kind of straying from the topic at hand- what in the name of the Wave Existence _are _they doing?"

"Look, whether Mahiro loves Nyarko or Kuuko is neither here nor there- though it's totally Kuuko," Zelda shook her head. "We're not figuring out what Bowser's up to tonight, might as well get back to that shield- Wave Existence as my witness, Mario, you _will _master this art before the trial!"

XXXX

And so it came to be that one of Mario's letters the next day was from... Parrakarry, informing him that Mahiro was totally in love with Shanta-kun. But moving on from sporadic Nyarko-san references (freaking love that show) was the daily letter from Roy- yeah, he was sending updates daily, now. He worded it in different ways, but they all came down to the same basic message-

_If Tabuu's getting stronger again, we must prioritize your safety above all else. Of course, he doesn't really stand a chance of getting through the defenses the Master Hand has set up, but that doesn't mean he's not going to try, and there's _definitely _no reason to go out of your way to make it easier for him. Get through that labyrinth, then we'll see about digging into these other mysteries._

Mario's nerves were building up, but time didn't seem to be _quite _as interested in being a colossal winnicot as it usually was- time was passing normally, neither too quickly, nor too slowly. There was even some part of him looking forward to going into that maze, because one way or another, that night would be the one that saw him celebrating the end of these freaking games once and for all- he didn't even particularly care about winning at this point, though if he could, hey, all the better.

XXXX

Fortunately, everyone was very mature, calm, and collected at the Smash Mansion, so everything was nice and quiet on the morning of the third trial... and if you believe that, I've got a bridge in the Gaur Plains I'd like to sell you. It was the nosiest breakfast Mario had ever had at the Smash Mansion, and one of the most chaotic. The only mail he received that day was a good luck card from Roy- by which we mean a piece of paper with a pawprint on it, but considering that this was still more love and affection in one letter than he'd received from the Smiths in fourteen years, he appreciated it very much- it was great to know his godfather had his back, come what may.

Zelda, meanwhile, was unrolling her morning issue of the _Tribune_, but had only just begun when she suddenly had a spit take all over it. Mario and Link turned to stare. "Something up?" they asked.

"Oh, nothing, just some spoiled milk!" Zelda shook her head, to the stares of her male companions.

"You're drinking apple juice," Mario pointed out.

"Spoiled apple juice!" Zelda tried to correct herself, but Link had already snagged the paper while she was distracted.

Link looked at the paper, then promptly grabbed a nearby glass of milk, downed it, and performed a spit take with what was left.

"Let me guess," Mario threw out. "Glados?"

"Ah, nah, brah, I don't know what you're talking about!" Link wore a false smile as he made to push the paper into hammerspace- but Mario wasn't having any of it. Using a technique they'd taught him, he manipulated a stream of fire from his fingers into grabbing the paper from Link and dragged it over to himself... and sighed from the moment he saw the headline.

_Silence of the Pyromancer-_

_The Legend of Mario Bates_

Well, this is certainly an interesting turn of events, (writes Glados Johnson, faithful _Fourside Tribune reporter._) While Mario Mario has been hailed for years as the boy who defeated the Great Darkness at the height of his power, before he had any real height at all, new evidence has come to light that the boy who lived may not be what he seems- in fact, this reporter is not entirely convinced Mario Mario should even be allowed to mingle with more normal people at the Smash Bros. School of Smashing.

Exhibit A: Mario Mario, according to this reporter's research, collapses in school on a nigh-daily basis, often complaining of the scar on his forehead hurting- a scar given birth fourteen years ago when the Great Darkness failed to kill him. With her own eyes, this reporter witnessed Mr. Mario leaving a Psychic Powers class on claims that his scar pained him too much to continue with his schoolwork.

Could it be that young Mr. Mario was more deeply affected by that fateful All Hallow's Eve night than anyone had previously suspected? According to specialists from the Umbrella Hospital, not only is it possible, it is even likely. In their own words, "My guess would be, either sustaining such trauma to the brain at that age permanently affected his mental processes, or he's simply faking it- after all, popularity is fleeting, he may just be struggling to keep his throne."

This, on its own, would be enough indictment against the young man, but it doesn't even stop there- this reporter went to multiple other sources, and discovered more and more secrets about the pyromancer along the way.

"He's a Mi-Go," is what young Bowser Dragmire, repeated reliable source for the Tribune, has to say on the topic. "For those that don't remember a couple years back, he can talk to koopas! There were people getting turned to stone left, right, and center, and everyone thought he was the one doing it- heck, there was that one fight club session, he attacked one of our muggle-born students with a koopa- and that's without him getting friendly with ancients, and werecreatures, and Wave Existence alone knows what else! We all act like he's still a hero, but we're all just wondering when he'll get that push to the dark side."

Indeed, history shows very few examples of Mi-Go who used their abilities for good- in point of fact, the most recent famous Mi-Go was none other than the Great Darkness. Speaking to Matthew Patrick, a muggle with much to say on the smashing world, "That definitely raises some red flags right there- koopas are known as some of the most evil creatures on the planet, and the ability to talk to them has rarely been a good sign. Put that together with his desire to stand alongside werecreatures and ancients, _and _the fact that I've seen him repeatedly hitting yoshis over the back of the head, and you've got a pretty good case against him."

Let us hope that the Master Hand hears this, and acts in time to prevent Mario from using these bits of dark smashing to force his way through the remainder of the Console Games, the final trial of which takes place this very evening.

"Something tells me she's become a tad disenchanted with this straight man," Mario noted, crumpling up the paper and burning it.

"_Have _you been beating yoshis in the back of the head?" Zelda asked severely.

"Of course not," Mario shook his head. "I know what he's talking about- that animation in _Mario World- _but if you look closely, that's me pointing ahead of him, not punching him in the back of the head- freaking Game Theory. Kind of a hi-ho, Silver, kind of thing."

Link, meanwhile, was concerned about something else- "But how did she know about you passing out in Lucario's class? There's no way she could have been there, we'd have seen her!"

"The window was open," Mario shrugged. "Part of why I fell asleep to begin with."

"Mario, you're supposed to be the straight man, not me," Zelda spoke as she lowered her lids halfway.

"What'dya mean?"

"You were in the attic of a _thirty-three story mansion_. There's no _way _your voice would have carried that far."

"Well, then, how do _you _think she did it?" Mario asked, starting to get annoyed. "I know she got some info from Bud, Dud, and Spud over there-" here, he pointed agitatedly over at the Sierra table- specifically, the Dark Trio, who were busy chortling delightedly over the new issue- "but not all of it!"

"I'm trying to find out- don't you think I am?!" Zelda retorted. "But everywhere I look, it's a... dead... end..."

Mario raised his eyebrows as Zelda's voice trailed off- she looked like a train had just hit her. "Zelda, you alright?"

"Yeah... yeah, I think I am..." she nodded, a smile beginning to cross her face- Mario was beginning to wonder if she'd somehow ingested some narcotics. "Just... a sudden thought occurred... a crazy thought... but if it's true... it would make a certain amount of sense... but then... EUREKA!" she suddenly burst out, startling Mario and Link into falling backwards. "Two minutes in the library, just give me _two minutes, _and we solve a mystery fifteen years in the making!" With that, she jumped up and rushed off.

Link stared after her. "She _does _realize that our exams are starting up in _ten _minutes, doesn't she?"

"I guess she really _does _hate Glados," Mario shrugged.

"So, back to manual practice once the exams start up?" Link guessed, referencing the great deal of one-on-one time Mario was getting with Gato- exempt from end-of-year tests, they had decided that Mario's best use of time would be to continue practicing with the crash test robot.

"Well, I suppose I-"

"No, don't worry about it," came another voice. "Somehow, I think Gato is getting a break today." They turned to see Samus standing there, arms crossed. "You're due in the back room after breakfast, Mario."

"What? But the trial isn't until tonight!" Mario objected- though he honestly wouldn't put it past this story to bump up the time without telling him first.

"Correct," Samus nodded, giving him some relief, "but the Smash Bros. has extended invitations to the families of the contestants, inviting them to come and witness this final trial for themselves. Since you're not participating in the exams anyways, we thought we'd give you this chance to meet them."

Mario couldn't help but stare after her as she turned and walked away. "And... what, she expects the Smiths to turn up?"

"Not based on what I've seen," Link shook his head. "Love to stay and delve into this mystery with ya, but I've got to go. See ya later!"

Mario spent the rest of breakfast puzzling and puzzling until his puzzler was sore, without ever thinking of something he hadn't before. All he could think was that Samus was simply going through that procedure with all the contestants, whether their family turned up or not- no reason to go back there, in that case. That in mind, he continued with his banana-nut muffin, watching as everyone else finished their breakfasts and headed out for their exams- or, in the case of DK, Snake, and Sonic, heading to the back room, presumably to meet their family members. Mario finished up, and was on the point of heading out to give Gato some more sparring time, when Snake opened up the door and stuck his head out. "Not too gracious there, are ya, sport? Your family comes all the way out here to watch you do this trial, and you're just gonna ignore them?" That 'sport' came across as much more friendly than the nicknames he'd given Mario at the beginning of the year, but left Mario bewildered nonetheless- holy crud, the Smiths weren't actually here, were they?

Determined to solve this mystery, he headed to the back room, where Snake held the door open for him. On the inside, he could see Donkey Kong chatting away with Cranky, who was smiling, and, for once, was refraining from beating his grandson over the head with his cane. Snake, after seeing Mario in, went to speak to an old man with an eyepatch and a mane of white hair, alongside an old woman wearing biker-style clothing, with long blond hair and combat boots, who were both nonetheless giving him kind smiles as he came over to greet them. Sonic, meanwhile, was talking to an obscenely old hedgehog with remarkably light blue quills and a moustache, who was smiling and patting him on the back. Eat it, Ritsuko. But then, Mario's quest for whoever had come for him took him over to...

"SURPRISE!" cried the two people standing on the other end of the room- one shorter, with blond hair, and the other much taller, with fiery red hair.

"Mrs. Faron! Midna!" Mario greeted them, very much surprised. "You're the ones who-"

"Dang right," Midna smiled that mischievous smile of hers, her fangs on full display. "Linebeck would have come, but they just found another tomb underneath Egypt- followed directions from one of Houdini's lost notebooks."

Mario smiled, and cast his eyes around, eventually landing on Snake, who, he noticed, was eyeing Midna carefully- apparently, _he_, at least, didn't consider those vampiric fangs a turn-off...

"Well, now everything makes sense," Mario smiled. "Must be out of my mind- for a moment, I actually thought it was possible that the _Smiths..."_

"Hmmm..." Mrs. Faron looked like she was swallowing something sour- she refrained from insulting them in front of him, but it was no secret to _anyone _that she didn't particularly care for Mario's relatives- she didn't seem to get the message that Mario didn't care for them anymore than she did.

"Ah, nostalgia," Midna smiled, looking around. "So many memories... hey, is Rose still the Nintendo guardian?"

Mario jumped as he thought he heard a voice echoing down from upstairs, calling out, "WHEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN!?" but ignored it, and nodded. "Tall woman, teal dress, blond hair that covers one eye?"

"Yeah, that's her."

"Yup, she's still here."

"Even I knew here," Uli smiled reminiscently. "She'd get frustrated whenever I came back late- complained about me waking her up and making her open up at all hours..."

"Hows about playing some tourguide, Mario?" Midna smiled at him. "Let's see just how much this place has really changed... great to finally be getting back to the Smash Bros.!"

As they were heading out, Mario found himself being accosted by an elderly ape brandishing a cane. "Well, great to see _you're _still here, you red little slacker!" Cranky grouched at him. "But how does it feel to be tied with a real Kong, huh? Pride cometh before a fall, my boy, pride cometh before a fall, and mark my words, you're about to fall _hard!_"

"Huh?" Mario asked blankly.

"Oh, don't mind him," Donkey Kong shook his head. "He's been a little sore ever since that article from Glados- the one that completely ignored me, remember?"

"Vividly," Mario muttered.

"Well, if he's so humble as you make out, why didn't he ever bother writing a letter to her, huh? Make her print a retraction or _something!_"

"I doubt Glados Johnson has printed a retraction in twenty years," Uli scoffed. "Her only goal is to cause trouble, and she doesn't care _what _she has to put in the news to do it. You should know that by now, Cranky."

"On which subject," Mario couldn't help piping up, "Mrs. Faron... you didn't believe that trash Glados put in _Cosmopolitan, _did you? It's just... Zelda and I have never been romantically involved."

"Huh?" Suddenly, Mrs. Faron turned a bright shade of red. "Oh... well... that was... silly of me..."

"I'd say," Midna scoffed. "Happy flipping Easter, huh?"

"Ah, Link made it up to her," Mario shrugged.

"Did he, now?" Midna's eyes suddenly lit up, and Mario had to wonder what sort of hell-on-earth he'd just unleashed. "_Interesting..._"

Mario nervously beckoned and led them out across the foyer and into the sun.

It was a pretty enjoyable morning, even down to introducing Mrs. Faron to the Flaaghra (which hadn't been planted until the year after she graduated) and pointing out the Elsa and the halo. At one point, Mario couldn't help asking, "So... what's up with Rob?"

The smile slid off Midna's face. "Well, I'd say he's up crap creek without a paddle, but that's being a tad generous..."

"I don't blame him for being upset," Uli shook her head. "He had to face an inquiry at work over what's happened- they think he should have come forward about not seeing von Karma in person much earlier. They think those letters might not have been _by _von Karma... he won't even be able to fill in as the fifth judge. Olimar will be doing that instead."

"So weird to not be calling him 'President Tate' anymore," Midna mused.

"Hey, Mom! Midna!" came a call from the other side of the lawn, and they looked over to see Link sprinting across the grass towards them. "Where'd you come from?"

"We're here to see the last trial!" Uli smiled down at him. "So, how go the exams?"

"Just wrapped up my last one!" Link noted cheerfully. "Couldn't remember quite everything about the goomba leaders, so I had to BS a bit..." He was speaking to Mario, but abruptly remembered that his mother was there, too, when he felt the blizzard she was giving off at that statement.

"You did _what, _now?" she glared.

"I meant... I meant... I DS'd it!" Link invented wildly. "You know, searched for the answers on my 3DS? Not the best thing to do, I know, but hey, gotta pass those tests for my future!"

Uli still didn't look impressed, but was soon distracted by the arrival of Peach and the twin puffballs, who were just as surprised to see them as Link had been. Mario smiled- it was almost like being back at Ordon Cottage. The only thing missing was Zelda, who didn't turn up until lunchtime.

"Oh, Zelda, I think I have to apologize, my dear," Uli smiled at her. "It would seem I was acting under... false information."

"It's alright, Mrs. Faron," Zelda smiled, but Mario could detect a faint glimmer of fire in her eyes as she continued. "Besides, Link and I are putting those condoms to good use, now!"

Link and Uli both did spit takes, while Peach, the twin puffballs, and Midna all broke down laughing. Mario tried to hold back, but showed a smirk on his face nonetheless as Link turned red, and Uli gradually realized she was being trolled.

And so it came to be that they all continued their constitutionals around the school grounds, meeting Crazy, (who greeted them all jovially, as one might have expected,) and passing by several of the people Mario had met over the year- Lucina and her crew, Kratos, Chell Johnson, all of whom assured him that they'd be rooting for him at the final trial.

Then back they went to the Dining Hall, where Ballyhoo and Olimar were sitting in close conversation. Mario couldn't help but glance at Okami Amaterasu, who was picking slowly at her food- she seemed almost... sad, in a way. And was it his imagination, or did Crazy seem to be glancing at her a little more than usual?

It was, far and beyond, the greatest feast Mario had ever attended at the Smash Mansion, but with his nerves mounting, he only managed a small bowl of spaghetti and a shot glass of milk. The sky outside was darkening...

Finally, the Master Hand rose up and addressed the hall. "In five minutes, we will begin escorting everyone down to the Smash-Up stadium, where the third and final trial will take place. Mr. Ballyhoo, will you please escort the contestants down to the stadium at this time?"

Ballyhoo grinned and flashed a thumbs-up as the hand as he rose from his chair and began whirring down the hall. Mario stood, and could see his fellow contestants doing the same. The Farons all wished him luck, and watched as he turned and left.

"You alright there, Mario? Doing okay for yourself?" Ballyhoo asked as they began their descent down the hill.

"Yeah, I'm down for it," Mario nodded. He kept going over all his practice in his mind... yeah, there was no question, he could do this...

The Smash-Up stadium had somehow been unfolded so that the seats formed one long line at the edge of the hedge maze. Ballyhoo guided them into a locker room, normally for Smash-Up players, then flew off to make the final preparations.

The contestants were mostly quiet as they heard the stadium filling up around them. Snake grinned. "Well, I don't know about you guys, but no matter how this turns out, I'm glad to have met you all. Let's go out there and show that maze who's boss, right? May the best man win."

"I intend to," Sonic smiled- a taunt, yes, but the tone of his voice signified a good-natured taunt.

Finally, Ballyhoo returned and beckoned them out. They now stood before the maze, one passage beckoning them into its dark embraces. All around the stadium were people cheering on their favorite contestant, all color coded- red, blue, black, and brown. Mario could hear songs blaring out from all of them:

"What a thrill, in the darkness and silence of the night, what a thrill..."

"Take off at the speed of sound! Bright lights and colors all around!"

"He's the leader of the bunch, you know him well, he's finally back, to kick some tail!"

"Super Mario RPG- it is the only game just for me! When I play the game, I get lost in a haze, then I find out, I'm stuck in Geno's maze!"

"I'd give my life, not for honor, but for you! In my time, there'll be no one else..."

"I'm gonna reach for the stars, although they look pretty far! I'm gonna find my own way, and take a chance on today!"

"Put your hands together if you want to clap, as we take you through this monkey rap!"

"Mario and all the crew, on adventures, find anew, follow him as he continues on a quest to save me and you!"

The contestants all smiled as they heard their respective songs being sung. They then turned to the people standing in front of the maze- Ballyhoo, Samus, Crazy, and Simon.

"We'll be patrolling the outside," Samus explained. "Been working on my cardio all month for this- you'd better appreciate it. If crud hits the fan, and you've got no way out, call out, 'MY GAME IS OVER!' and we'll come right in and bail you out."

"Alright!" Ballyhoo grinned, looking around. "When you hear the gong, Mario and Donkey Kong, as the ones in first place, will enter first! The second gong marks your entrance, Mr. Hedgehog, and the third is for you, Mr. Snake!"

"Got it," was the general agreement among the contestants.

"Alright, then let's do this!" Ballyhoo cheered, and the gong sounded. Mario and DK stood side-by-side as they charged bravely into the no-man's-land of the labyrinth.

XXXX

The exact _moment _that they crossed the boundary, all sound ceased instantly. They were alone in dead silence. Mario snapped his fingers to summon some light to see by, while DK relied more on his dilating eyes. Down, down, down the tunnel they went. No turns yet... until they'd already gone several yards, at which point it forked off. Mario and DK glanced at each other. "Well, see you on the other side!" DK smiled before taking off down the right. Mario sighed and turned left instead.

The only sound that broke the following monotony was the gong signaling Sonic's entrance into the labyrinth. Mario wondered if the blue blur had already passed him- ridiculous... right?

The path Mario had chosen seemed completely deserted- and he hadn't come across a single turn yet. It wasn't just a lack of forks- he literally hadn't even turned once yet. It was just a straight path down the line. Further and further and further... at one point, he began to wonder if he was just taking it for granted that this was a straight path- he felt the hedges, looking for any secret passages he might have missed. Nothing, and the longer he spent looking, the less likely it was that he'd get to that cup in the middle of the maze.

He was reminded strongly of the final barrier between him and the Hylian Stone three years earlier- an empty room with a simple carpet, designed to make the person going through it become so unnerved that they turned back- it was the same feeling he got from this maze. For crying out loud, if he went in deep enough, he had to encounter _something,_ right? Right? What, had Ballyhoo been BS-ing when he said there would be more challenges to overcome than just finding their way through the maze?

Apparently not, because one of the next things to happen was DK tearing onto his route from a nearby alternate path, his fur rather bloodied. "Those Ultimate Chimaeras!" he shouted warningly as he passed by. "They're so big... so brutal! Stay away- just stay the smeg away!"

And with that, he turned and dashed off again. Mario sighed- the first alternate pathway he'd encountered in this Wave-Existence-forsaken maze so far, and it led to an Ultimate Chimaera. Just his luck. Alright, time to see what lay further down the path...

A right turn, apparently- a right turn right into a floow. Mario's mind went into full retreat- surely, surely they hadn't actually hired one of _these _abominations to guard the trophy, had they? Challenge was one thing, sure, but these things went far above and beyond that...

But it seemed to be a fact- it was floating towards him menacingly, sucking out his hope and happiness, steadily peeling back the strips of darkness that covered his face... it was out for his soul...

But Mario didn't intend to give it. He immediately summoned the happiest thought he could think of- finally being done with this tournament, celebrating in the hub with Link, Zelda, Lu... everyone...

"Kame... Hame... HAAAAAAA!" he cried, going through the classic motions and projecting a gigantic column of fire down the tunnel at the floow. When the fire cleared, the floow was on its back, breathing heavily... breathing? Floows didn't breath...

"Oh, you clever sons of smeggers... a Tane-Tane! Well, at least I've got something up my sleeve here- I've dated hotter chicks than you!"

The floow abruptly turned into a chicken- on fire. Mario smirked as he went over and lifted it over his head. Abruptly, the chicken spoke- huh, he'd never heard a Tane-Tane speak. Ah, well, the more you know...

"That's all you've got? A cheap trick and a bad one-liner?"

"Honey, that could be the name of my autobiography," Mario's smirk grew wider. Ah, references. "All I'm saying is... I sure know how to _pick up chicks!"_

The Tane-Tane gave a cry of pain, and abruptly exploded. Mario blinked- funny, usually, he had to laugh at the Tane-Tane to destroy it. Apparently, that pun had just been _that _bad. Ah, well, time to move along... that goal was becoming more and more tempting as time passed.

Occasionally, he'd wing a magnetized fireball into the air and let it point the way north. No real point in diverging from his path as of yet. On and on and on it went... until he found his way blocked by... a mushroom. Yeah, seriously, there was just a small, red-with-white spots mushroom on the ground, pacing back and forth on the legs that grew from its stalk.

Mario eyed it tentatively. Harmless as it may seem, he really didn't trust it- there had to be a trick somewhere. He started off throwing a fireball at it, but it deftly leapt in the air and performed a flying-bird-kick to dodge out of the way... before going back to pacing back and forth.

Time to weigh his options- was it worth trying to get past this thing? It had the potential to do some nasty things to him if he wasn't careful... or so he suspected. He winged another magnetized fireball into the air- it pointed him right past the mushroom. So that _was _the fastest way... but was it worth the risk?

Abruptly, a yell sounded off in front of him- the yell of Solid Snake. He sounded very much in distress, causing Mario's chronic hero syndrome to kick in. Throwing caution to the winds, he charged right past the mushroom, which took the opportunity to fire spores at him.

And suddenly, Mario lost his mind. The world around him seemed to be in a haze as he began moving forward- or what he thought was forward, until he walked headlong into a wall. The ground no longer seemed to be definitively 'down'- he was leaning on it like it was the wall. He racked his brains, trying to think of something that would clear his head again, any sort of smashing... and he couldn't help laughing, for some reason. Heh. Smashing. Hmm... maybe hitting himself with a ball of fire would do the trick? He summoned one and winged it at himself, bringing a deep burn onto his chest- which caused him to laugh as well. Well, that didn't wo- wait, what was _that? _Oh, yeah... that was his hand, extended out to throw the fireball. He'd never realized how _amazing _his hand looked- it was really quite something, it was just... just _there, _at the end of his arm, and yet it moved whenever he twitched his muscles in just the right way... where was he again? A maze, or something? Forget the maze, he needed to inspect his hand further... to put together this miracle of biology...

Looking up, he saw a blue hedgehog approaching. His speech seemed slow and slurred as he spoke up. "Oh, hey, man, how's it going? Have you seen my hand? Isn't that amazing? And these! Look at these!" He rolled up the legs of his pants and demonstrated his kneecaps, wiggling around as he rubbed the skin thereon. "It's so weird..."

Sonic cocked his head as he looked down at him, then reached down, grabbing something just over his head, and wrenching it. Mario experienced a brief moment of pain, and then a sudden clarity- he turned violently red as he leapt to his feet, the realization of what he'd just been doing embarrassing him to no end. Looking, he saw Sonic holding a mushroom- apparently just pulled off of his head. "What the-"

"Mashroomized," Sonic noted, tossing the mushroom over his shoulder. "Those mushrooms have a defense mechanism where they make a mushroom grow on their attackers head- basically throws them into one big drug trip. You'd have been stumbling around here for hours..."

"So, why did you help me?" Mario asked, raising his eyebrows. "Aren't we supposed to be competing?"

"Hey, why would I do that?" Sonic shrugged. "Just 'cause we're competing doesn't mean I'll abandon a fellow smasher in need..."

Mario tilted his head, wondering if that was the whole truth. Something seemed... blank about Sonic's expression. "Anyways, got to go, bye!" the blue blur called out, and shot off before Mario could figure out what was going on.

Mario shook his head, turning away from the mushroom behind him and taking off further into the labyrinth.

Further and further- at least he was finding more alternate paths, now, but aside from those, he met no obstacles for the next ten minutes or so- whereupon he slammed into a bright red hellhound with various other animal parts attached- the Ultimate Chimaera. Donkey Kong hadn't just been whistling dixie- this thing had to be twice the Kong's size, and considering that DK was larger than most others to begin with, that was saying something. Those teeth had to be as long as Mario's arm- or at least, Mario's fear filter was making them seem that way. Mario threw a fireball- which bounced off and only succeeded in making the creature turn around, agitated. Well, that had been stupid- now it had a _reason _to want to kill him. It turned on him, pawed at the ground like a rhinoceros, then charged. Mario tensed, trying to recall anything Crazy might have said about how to stop these things- and suddenly, it came to him. He leapt up in the air, onto the Chimaera's head, and before it could turn around, he slammed his fist into the button on its neck with all the force he could muster.

The Chimaera let out a gasp, shuddered, and collapsed, unconscious. Mario sighed, getting onto the ground, panting and removing his hat to wipe the sweat off. Leave it to Crazy, he thought, to breed an animal with an _off _switch. Well, no need to stay around here much longer, he didn't know if that was permanent.

And indeed, as he took off in the opposite direction, the yellow bird always perched on the Chimaera's back hopped onto its shoulders, examining that same button, as if considering pressing it once more...

XXXX

Mario continued on and on, gladly putting as much room as possible between himself and that... thing. It was only a few minutes later, however, that he stopped dead, listening intently to the voices on the other side of the hedge on his right. "Oh, Sonic... didn't expect to see you in here. What's going- what are you... what the-"

And, sure enough, next came Sonic's voice, calling out words that made Mario's heart turn cold- "Terror! Darkness! Anguish! Pain! Suffering! Pain! Pain! Pain!"

Alongside this came Donkey Kong's voice, rising up again and crying out in pain. Mario desperately looked up and down the hedge, wondering if there was an easier way to get through- didn't look like it, he'd have to cheat the system if he wanted to help DK...

He summoned the strongest fireball he could and _hurled _that mother at the hedge as hard as he could... it didn't do much, not that he'd expected anything different. He hurled more and more fire, spreading it to his own body as he began to physically fight his way through, until he finally plopped out on the other side. He leapt to his feet and turned to see Sonic, eyes cold and emotionless, breakdancing on top of a screaming Donkey Kong, still crying out word after word... "Despair! Hoplessness! Pain! Pain! Pain!"

Mario threw a fireball and knocked him over, dashing over to him right away. "What the _smeg, _man, what the _smeg _possessed you to use dark-"

"Out of the way!" came a shout behind him, and he turned to see DK looking absolutely _furious _as he wound up a mighty punch. Mario wisely ducked out of the way just as DK slammed his fist into Sonic, knocking the hedgehog to the ground, unconscious.

"Why... why would he..." Mario choked out, staring at the scene.

"I don't know... I could hardly believe it myself," DK shook his head. "I heard him coming, thought he just wanted to talk, then he starts using dark aperture on me..."

They stared at the huddled form on the ground. "And after all that... I thought he was a good guy," Mario noted forlornly.

"I was starting to like him myself," DK nodded solemnly.

"You heard Snake earlier, right?"

"Yeah... yeah, I heard him."

"Did... did he get him, too?"

"Hard telling," Mario shook his head hopelessly. "Let's get someone over here..." Raising his voice as much as he could, he called out, "MY GAME IS OVER!"

"I guess someone will come now," DK nodded. "Though, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't feel _too _bad if that Chimaera came for him..."

"I couldn't do that," Mario shook his head. "Never... I could never do something like that."

"Fair enough," DK nodded. "Well... let's get going, I guess."

"Huh?" Mario raised his eyebrows. "Oh, right, yeah... we've still got a trial to finish..."

"Yup," DK nodded. "See ya!" With that, he turned and headed off in the opposite direction.

Mario's head was swimming as he took off back into the maze. Why? Why would Sonic do such a thing? He was supposed to be a hero in his own right, wasn't he? To be using something as serious as _dark aperture..._ just to win a tournament? There was something not right here, he could feel it...

"You've got to love the world! Be a friend! And when you're down, you've gotta get up again!"

Mario froze, slowing his pace as he continued stepping down the tunnel, and finally turning. Sure enough, there, at the very end of this hedgey tunnel, stood an abnormally tall man with overly-long arms, dressed in a suit and without a face- which didn't make much sense, considering he was currently singing out, "And when you're blue, here's what you do- just sing me a happy tune!"

"You know you don't actually have to sing that anymore, right?" Mario called out as he approached.

"True," the Slender Man nodded as he turned to greet his guest, "but I guess it just kind of got stuck in my head after I repeated it five million times." Mario strained his ears trying to catch some hostility in Slendy's voice... not much, only a little. "Good to see you, Mario- time for you to finally witness my time in the sun!"

"So, this is what the Master Hand hired you for?" Mario asked. "An obstacle in the labyrinth?"

"Dang skippy! Time for me to shine! Nobody gets past me, not without my permission!"

"Yeah, glad to hear it, we'll have lunch sometime," Mario muttered dismissively. "Well, see you on the other- UGH!"

He'd made to just walk past him, but Slendy had stretched a tentacle out from behind his back and slammed it into him, knocking him backwards. "Like I said, nobody gets past me without my permission!"

"The heck was that?" Mario asked, rubbing his jaw as he stood back up.

"Don't think having been friends with me before means you can get past me now!" the Slender Man shook his head. "You don't get any special treatment!"

"Okay, okay, okay... first question, is it even worth _trying _to get past you?"

"Well, yeah- quickest way to the trophy is right past me!"

"And you say I can only get through if I have your permission?"

"Yup!"

"So... can I have your permission, please?"

Slendy looked truly taken aback. "You... you actually just asked?"

"Well, yeah," Mario shrugged. "I mean, I'd like to get past, and if the only way to do that is with your permission..."

"Hmm... what to do, what to do..." Slendy paced around a bit, clearly in deep though. Finally, he snapped one of his tentacle-fingers. "I've got it! I'll let you past, under one condition!"

"Oh, boy," Mario muttered.

"Oh, don't worry, I don't want to be a main character anymore- I've got plenty of work on the internet," Slendy shook his head. "No, I just want my time on this story to go out in a blaze of glory! Mario M. Mario, I challenge you... to a dance-off!"

"A dance-off?" Mario blinked, struggling to force back his straight-man.

"A dance-off!" Slendy nodded eagerly. "You keep up with me as we sing this song together, and you can go by!"

Mario was quiet for a quite a while, before finally nodding. "Alright, I'll do it. What's the song?"

Slendy cheered. "And we are there! Bam!" He summoned a boombox that began churning out a song... a song Mario knew all too well. He sighed- well, at least it would get him to that trophy...

Slendy started off. "You remind me of the babe?"

Mario could guess what he was after- "What babe?"

"The babe with the power!"

"What power?"

"The power of voodoo!"

"Who-do?"

"You do!"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of the babe!"

And suddenly, they both burst into song, dancing around the clearing as they did so- "I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry! What could I do? My baby's love had gone, and left my baby blue! Nobody knew, what kind of magic spell to use?"

"Slime and snails," Mario suggested.

"Or puppy dog tails?" Slendy shrugged.

"Thunder and lightning..."

"But then baby said..."

And they both jumped back in- "Dance, magic dance, magic dance! Dance, magic dance, magic dance! Put that baby spell on me! Jump, magic jump, magic jump! Jump, magic jump, magic jump! Put that magic spell on me, slap that baby, make him free!"

For a while longer, it was just the music, until Mario realized what Slendy was after. He turned to Slendy, pointing at him. "You remind me of the babe."

"What babe?" Slendy asked, feigning confusion.

"The babe with the power."

"What power?"

"The power of voodoo."

"Who-do?"

"_You _do."

"Do what?"

"Remind me of the babe!"

And this time, Mario took the lead as they went through the main verse- "I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try, what could I do? My baby's fun had gone, and left my baby blue! Nobody knew- what kind of magic spell to use?"

"Slime and snails?" Slendy suggested.

"Or puppy dog tails," Mario nodded.

"Thunder or lightning?" Slendy guessed.

"Or something frightening," Mario smirked as he pointed at Slendy. "But then baby said..."

"Dance, magic dance, magic dance! Dance, magic dance, magic dance! Put that baby spell on me! Jump, magic jump, magic jump! Jump, magic jump, magic jump! Put that magic spell on me, slap that baby, make him free!"

Mario was on the verge of asking if he was now cleared to go, but Slendy was still dancing around, singing to himself. "Dance, magic dance, magic dance! Woo-hoo-hoo! Dance, magic dance, magic dance! Woo-hoo-hoo!" Leading Mario to slowly make his way towards the tunnel he'd been guarding. When Slendy made no move to stop him, he continued on, and on, until the Slender Man's singing faded from his ears, hopefully to never return.

His pace was really increasing now- he had a chance, he might actually _win _this thing! He'd been treating it more as something of a subconscious joke all year, but the thought was dawning on him- he might actually do it, he might actually swing it!

Down a right hand path, moving as quickly as his legs could carry him, and there, at the end of a long passage... he saw it. Perched on top of a pedestal at the very end was a magnificent cup, made of glass and platinum, standing tall in the maze, shining like a beacon. He tore after it, working his femur and the muscles surrounding it as hard as he could, until his heart temporarily failed- coming at the cup from the path opposite him was a large brown shape wearing a tie...

Mario increased his pace, but it was no good, DK was moving faster, he'd get there first- and then his heart temporarily failed again when he spied the dark shape making a beeline from yet another alternate path, making its way right towards the great ape... a shape with an incredibly large mouth and suitably large teeth... but DK, with his eyes on the prize, had yet to see it...

"DK! LOOK OUT!" Mario called out in warning. To his immense thankfulness, DK didn't question him, turning to see the Ultimate Chimaera coming right at him- he made to get out of the way, but his foot landed on a wet patch of grass, sending him slipping and falling into a hedge, with that monstrosity coming right at him...

"Oh, no you don't!" Mario called, summoning the hottest fire he could conjure and winging it at the Chimaera. Naturally, it didn't do any real good, only agitating it- but at least he'd diverted his attention away from the Kong...

He attempted to dodge out of the way as the Ultimate Chimaera bore down on him, finally ducking down to the ground, where he proceeded to get trampled by it as it charged over him. He was remarkably winded as he checked for any major damage- like his leg, for instance, which was crying out in protest as he stared in horror at the remarkable amount of blood seeping out into his pants. Looking up, he saw DK jumping up and standing between him and the Chimaera, winding up the best punch he had in him, finally letting loose with a smack that could dent metal... but seemed to have no effect on the Chimaera, besides agitating it even more.

The Chimaera was going berserk, spinning around and getting ready to charge again. Mario suddenly had an idea. "DK, wind up another punch!"

"It's no good!" DK shook his head hopelessly.

"Trust me!" Mario shouted back, getting ready- he'd have to really heat himself up for this one...

DK still didn't look certain, but did as he was told, turning to face the Chimaera and beginning to wind up, spinning his arm as fast as he could... Mario closed his eyes, mustering as much internal heat as possible, beginning to glow as fire spread across him down to his fingertips...

The Chimaera charged, and DK punched just as Mario sent his fire forwards, empowering DK's punch with it, driving his fist into the Chimaera's stomach. Miraculously, it seemed to do the trick- the Chimaera gave a loud, desperate, choking cry as it staggered back, teetering for a bit, then collapsed to the ground and lay still. The small bird on top of it immediately went to the button and began pressing its beak into it, but no matter how much it tried, the Chimaera did not rise up again- it was well and truly finished.

DK turned to Mario. "You alright?"

"My leg hurts like a smegger and a half, but I think I'll be okay, yeah," Mario grunted. He looked up to see the ape standing right next to the trophy- between him and it. "Well, okay, then- go ahead. Take it. It's yours."

DK turned to glance at the cup- Mario could see his longing for it in every nook and cranny of his face. He really wanted that trophy...

But then he crossed his arms and stood to the side. "No- you take it," he shook his head.

"Huh?" Mario asked, confused, still struggling to force himself to his feet.

"Take it- it's yours," DK repeated. "You saved me twice in this maze, you deserve it."

"That's not how it works," Mario shook his head agitatedly- the dang monkey had beaten him unequivocally in just about _everything_\- on the Smash-Up field, in the Console Games, even in asking Pauline to the FOT. No matter how hard Mario tried, DK outstripped him at every turn, and now he was turning down his reward? "The point of the game is that the one who gets to the cup first wins- or did I hear Ballyhoo wrong? You beat me, fair and square, now take the dang cup!"

DK stepped back, just enough for Mario to be technically closer. "I won't."

"For crying out loud, no need to be the hero over this!" Mario objected. "The sooner these games end, the sooner we can all kick back and relax- I honestly don't even care at this point!" Which was a bullcrud lie, and he could tell DK knew it.

"You found out about the bosses," DK pointed out. "I would've been done for in the first trial without you."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Mario shook his head. "First off, I didn't find out by myself- someone else told me. Second, you paid me back already- you told me what was up with the orbs. It evens itself out, and you're still the winner."

"I didn't solve that puzzle on my own," DK shook his head. "Someone else pointed me in the right direction."

"Doesn't change anything," Mario shook his head. "So we both had help- either way, we're still even." He was attempting to stand, but his leg was shrieking at him- _What the smeg are you doing to me?!_

"You should have gotten full points in the second trial," DK came up with another objection. "If you had, you'd have gotten to the trophy first. You stayed behind to make sure everyone got out safely- something I should have done."

"I only did that because I was the only one dumb enough to take that song seriously!" Mario growled. "For crying out loud, the cup's right there, just take the dang thing!"

Without a trace of anger in his eyes, DK crossed his arms. "No."

Mario was bewildered- DK wasn't just joshing him, he was dead serious- he belonged to the group that always got the least glory- Hal, the losers, Hal, those content to just do their work and never get any fame out of it... Mario didn't think of them that way, but he knew that plenty of people did. And yet, here he was, standing there with the chance to prove everybody wrong, and he was turning his back on it, because he honestly felt he didn't deserve it as much as Mario did.

Mario looked to the trophy- he could practically hear a voice in the back of his head: _If you are the son of Jake, take the trophy- then command that these stones become bread, and all that good stuff. _He could see himself, emerging from the labyrinth in total victory, all his supporters cheering, Pauline Dama grinning wildly as she ran up to hug him... but then he turned and saw DK's face again.

"Begone, Satan," he muttered.

"Huh?" DK asked, confused.

"Here, tell you what- we'll both take it," Mario spoke, still struggling to rise to his feet. "We both take it- we took down that Chimaera together, neither one of us could have done it without the other, so _really, _when you think about it _that _way, we've both earned this victory."

DK blinked. "Y...you're sure?"

"Flipping positive," Mario nodded, smacking his leg in agitation. _Support my weight, dang you, support it! _"We got this far togehter, may as well finish it the same way. And hey, it's still a victory for the good ol' Mansion of Smash, ain't it?"

DK suddenly broke into a wide smile. "Well, when you put it that way... how can I refuse?"

"Now you're talking," Mario nodded. "Er... help a Smash Brother out, here?"

DK couldn't help but give a faint chuckle, coming over and allowing Mario to lean on him as they approached the trophy, where each one held out a hand for their ultimate prize.

"Let's do this thing," Mario smiled. "Finally time to wrap this gong show up- on the count of three- one... two... three!"

They both seized it, and Mario felt a lurch in his stomach as the ground disappeared- along with the labyrinth around them. They were hurtling through a long, blue tunnel with waves of light around them. As he watched in bewilderment, they became a swirl of other colors, of reds and greens and yellows... for a moment, he and DK halted in a plane that seemed to be surrounded by stars, before being taken back into the swirling colors that made him wonder if he'd somehow ingested LSD somewhere along the line, and then...

_XXXX_

Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	38. The Ghosts of Evil Past

Gamer4 in.

Disclaimer:...

Chapter XXXII

The Ghosts of Evil Past

Mario's leg hurt to begin with, so it felt just _wonderful _when it slammed into the ground upon landing. His legs gave out, refusing to support his weight any longer. Looking around, he got to work on the first order of business- finding out where the heck they were. "So... any ideas, DK?" he asked, choking for breath.

"The... the trophy was a whir-gate," came DK's voice from behind him. Mario forced himself into rolling over to see the ape staring at the trophy they'd just seized with wide eyes. "It... it was a whir-gate, set to transport us..."

"Transport us... where?" Mario asked a fairly legit question, gazing around at the landscape- it was nothing he recognized. It was a dark, vast graveyard, perched in the backyard of a large, foreboding manor. Something about it tickled Mario's memory... in all the wrong ways. There wasn't a sign of the Smash Mansion anywhere- or, for that matter, any of the landscape _surrounding _said mansion... just how far had they traveled? "What, is this supposed to be part of the trial?"

"Could be, after how they ran the first trial," DK mused. "It would be just like them to throw in one last hurdle for us to jump... but either way... let's keep our power controllers close, huh?"

"Right," Mario nodded, supporting himself on a nearby tombstone. He felt his head- sure enough, his hat was there and at the ready.

DK was the first to hear it- spinning around and preparing to wind up a punch, he called out to Mario- "Someone's coming!"

Mario turned to see what DK was seeing- a stooping, robed figure making its way across the graveyard, hunched over as if it were carrying something. Mario summoned some fire- he didn't like this...

The figure made its way to a particular headstone, bearing the image of a monstrous angel bearing only one wing. It lay down its mysterious burden, and slowly turned to face its guests.

And then, Mario's scar opened up. He'd felt plenty of pain before in his life, but none of it compared to what he was feeling now- all the fire he'd ever summoned was compressed into one inch- the inch of his forehead covered by a little red M. The fire in his hand went out, and he couldn't have summoned more even if he wanted to- the pain in his head was so great he couldn't focus.

Looking up, he saw, through a haze of pain, Donkey Kong raising his fists, ready to fight if need be. "Who are you, what do you want?"

Mario could sense danger- his scar wouldn't be hurting like this unless... unless... oh, crap... "Donkey Kong, get out of there! Hurry! Get out, back to the whir-gate!"

Donkey looked confused for a moment, until there came a voice, a voice of the legion- "Grab the boy and prepare him."

DK immediately turned on the figure, winding up a punch. "If you want Mario, you'll have to go through me!"

And then a laugh: "We do not need the ape. Kill him."

A spike of ice entered Mario's heart as those words fell on his ears- he looked up to see DK, not afraid, but furious as he wound up a punch. "Just try me," the ape snarled.

And... the figure did. Suddenly moving fast as lightning, it leapt up into the air, tossing aside the robe to reveal long, sharp claws. Mario's jaw dropped as an all-out melee began- DK swung his wound-up punch into the jaw of his assailant, making an _incredibly _nasty cracking noise. The claws swung, but the ape dodged. "You want more?" the ape taunted, spinning around and slamming his fists into his opponent, who went flying back, clearly winded. As he forced himself back to his feet, Mario recognized him- "_Mumkhar?!_"

"Who's-" DK was distracted for only the briefest of moments before spinning around and slamming his hands down on Mumkhar as he advanced once more. But this time, he was less lucky- Mumkhar leapt over the hands, rising up in the air, and bringing those abominable claws down on the ape, sliding through his flesh and fur like a hot knife through butter. DK's eyes widened as he witnessed it first-hand. For a second, a flash of confusion and fear coursed through those eyes, before they went blank and the ape slumped over onto the ground, never to move again.

Mario stared at the ground, not quite believing what he was seeing. DK... dead? No... it wasn't possible... true, he'd held a certain amount of rivalry with the ape since the FOT, but even in his darkest moments, he'd never, _never _have wished this...

His eyes rose up to Mumkhar, now nursing what looked like a dislocated jaw. Hatred began to roil and seeth inside him. "Mumkhar, you dirty-"

Before he could say anything more, Mumkhar looked up and began loping towards him. Mario made to summon a fireball, but Mumkhar moved quickly again, slamming Mario into the ground, where his leg proceeded to cry out in protest. Mumkhar lifted him up and pressed him as hard as he could against the statue of that one-winged angel, and bound him there. Mario was only just able to make out the name on the tombstone before he lost all mobility- _George Locke Jr. _

Those ropes were remarkably tight- Mario hadn't even known Mumkhar possessed such an ability. And yet here he was, hanging hopelessly over the ground, tied to this tombstone in the classic 'crucified hero' pose. Mario stared- Mumkhar was trembling violently even as he attended to his various tasks. He was preparing to shout more abuse, but before he could, Mumkhar used his claws to slice off a portion of his old robes and shoved it into Mario's mouth, relieving him of his hat at the same time.. And so Mario hung there, oblivious to what was going on, his scar continually aching, and staring at the body of the ape who'd died trying to protect him.

Looking down, his eyes once again fell on that... that _thing _Mumkhar had been carrying. He had a sneaking suspicion what lay within that bundle of blankets... and he didn't like it at all. Deep within him, he knew he had to stop what was going on at all costs- no matter what, it was absolutely _imperative _that he _not _let what was going on take place... but from where he was, tightly bound to this statue, unable to even speak, there wasn't much he _could _do...

Mumkhar reappeared, pushing along what resembled a large pot- the classic witch's cauldron, filled with a foul-smelling, reddish-orange liquid. What it was, he did _not _want to know- it certainly wasn't his idea of a relaxing hot tub.

A grunting and clicking noise filled the air, and Mario was tempted to scream as a large creature came lurching out of the darkness- a gigantic, skeletal koopa, life signified only by the light in its eyes. It approached Mumkhar, grabbed his head, and forced his jaw back into place, causing the greasy-haired man a great amount of pain, judging by his loud yell as the deed was done. The koopa then moved to the blanket at the feet of the statue Mario was currently tied to, standing in front of it almost... protectively.

Mumkhar was lighting a fire beneath the cauldron, his jaw still rather crooked. The liquid within was brought to a boil with almost undue speed- only a few minutes had passed from the orange-red substance within being completely placid, to roiling and seething, like the ocean during a fierce storm.

"Let it... begin..." came the voice of the legion once more. Mumkhar turned to the blanket and lifted it up. Every particle of Mario's body was screaming for him to close his eyes, but he found himself unable to, forcing himself to watch in horror as Mumkhar cast the blanket to the side and revealing the... _thing _underneath. It looked like a human foetus- and even that wasn't really disturbing enough to describe what it was. The head twisted around almost backwards, the joints made no sense, more like the legs of spiders than that of a human child, and the bizarre, fleshy protrusions from its back resembled tentacles... every inch of skin was flayed or torn...

It was almost a relief when Mumkhar dropped the... the _creature _into the liquid- at the very least, it was now barred from Mario's sight. But the thought of Mumkhar's purpose meant he couldn't relax...

He wasn't much of a praying person, but this was a desperate time... _Wave Existence, please... if you're out there- _whoever's _out there, please... stop this... whatever that thing is... let it die there... don't let this happen... what I think is happening, just... just don't let it!_

Fate, however, was less kind. Mumkhar produced a bottle filled with traces of dust. "George Locke... you, who sired this great being... sacrifice your bone unto him, that he may live..."

The cauldron filled with sparks, fire dancing across the surface. But Mumkhar wasn't done yet- looking as though what he was doing was against every instinct in his body, he removed the claws from his right hand, dropping them down on the ground. He then moved said hand until it was directly over the wicked concoction and raised the claws on his left. Mario forced himself to close his eyes this time, but wasn't deaf as Mumkhar continued his monologue. "Mumkhar Virgil... you, who... who faithfully serve this... this fierce deity... give up your flesh unto him, that he may rule once more..."

A swing, a slash, and a plop accompanied by the agonized shouts of Mumkhar Virgil. Mario opened his eyes to see the figure bent double on the ground, cradling his newfound stump. Shaking violently, he raised himself to his feet and began making his way back towards Mario. Mario began to fight, struggling to free himself, but he couldn't- he didn't have the strength to break through his bonds, and without the hat Mumkhar had taken from him, he couldn't summon fire...

Mumkhar raised those blades once again, pressing them gently against his face. "Mario Mario... you, who sought to _oppose _the grand king of demons... surrender your blood to him... that he may rise again!"

Mario let out a yell in his throat, muffled by the piece of cloth in his mouth, as Mumkhar drew his claws down his cheek, allowing blood to pour freely onto Mumkhar's claws. Having done this, the wretched figure turned back to the cauldron, holding his claws over it and shaking them, allowing droplets of blood that were, seconds ago, within Mario, to fall into the concoction.

Mumkhar seemed to think his job was done- he withdrew from the cauldron and diverted all his attention to nursing his stump. Mario was left alone to shakily watch the cauldron froth and boil more than ever before, praying to all the gods he'd ever heard of- _Din, Nayru, Farore, Wave Existence, U-DO, whoever's out there, please, have mercy... have mercy, please say it's dead, please... something went wrong, it's dead..._

Abruptly, the cauldron exploded, shards flying everywhere- Mario counted himself lucky to not have been hit by any of them. Opening his eyes only a fraction, he looked at where it had been, obscured by a dense fog. Straining his eyes, he tried to see if he could spy anything within. _Did it... did it go wrong? Please, please say it went wrong..._

But fortune was cruel that night, as the fog cleared, revealing bright, shimmering lights of blue, red, yellow, and white...

A new being had been born where the cauldron had just been- a being made of light, but, Mario knew, with a heart of shadow. The only features readily obvious on this being were its protruding forehead over what most closely resembled a face. It floated gently over the ground, feet hanging several inches above it, as it slowly turned to Mumkhar. "My controller, Mumkhar," it spoke with the voice of the legion. Mumkhar forced himself to his feet, and in his one good hand, produced a strange, oval, battery-like object that he held aloft as he approached the being. The being took the battery into himself, sighing and moaning as it passed through his light exterior and coming to rest within his chest, like it was his core. And then, it began to laugh. Mario's blood ran cold- everything he'd been afraid of over the past four years had suddenly come true.

Tabuu was back.

The first place the horrific being looked was towards Mario. "Ah, Mario Mario... the bastard who lived. Going to straight-man me, Mario? Snark me out? I've been looking forward to it, ever since my loyal minion told me how much you've matured. Come now, say something... _funny_." What appeared to be a dark smirk crossed that ever-shifting face of his, and the next thing Mario knew, Tabuu was right in front of him, caressing his face gently- causing his scar to screech out in pain, desperately trying to warn him, as if he didn't already know, that his greatest enemy was right there in front of him... a groaning yell echoed through his throat, but made no more headway than the previous one. Tabuu laughed that cold, cruel laugh of his, before turning to Mumkhar. "I find myself in absolute shock that I now say these words, Mumkhar, but... you have done well."

"Sir... thank you, sir... please... you promised... you told me..."

Tabuu smiled and nodded. "Produce your arm for me, if you would."

Mumkhar smiled a nasty, lopsided smile that was even more lopsided for the mark DK had left on him. "You are too kind, sir..." He held out his right arm- the one with the stump- expectantly, only to pale when Tabuu simply laughed.

"Your _other _arm, if you would."

Mumkhar seemed to be biting his teeth. "Sir, couldn't we-"

"No, we could _not!_" Tabuu bellowed, swinging into rage with incredible swiftness. He raised his hand and summoned a whip of light to it, lashing out and grabbing Mumkhar's arm, pulling back and revealing a mark upon it- the Mark of the Emissary, tattooed right into the traitor's skin.

"Just as I suspected," Tabuu nodded, returning to that smug snake attitude of his. "Nice and bright... any one of them who claims to have not noticed it... we can know they were lying. So, what say we have ourselves a family reunion, hmm?"

He raised a finger into the air and seemed to delight in seeing Mumkhar grow more and more terrified as he slowly lowered it towards the mark, until he finally made contact. Mumkhar let out a howl of pain- the mark seemed to be burning him almost as much as Mario's scar was burning _him._

Tabuu's smirk widened as he backed up and gazed around. "Well, well, well... this _will _be interesting. We have a nice mix of traitors and cowards that will soon feel that their true master has returned... what will they do? Come to be punished, or wait to be killed? We shall see, we shall see..."

Tabuu floated back and forth- the foul being's own imitation of pacing. Finally, he turned to Mario. "You know, it's almost humorous, in a way- I've been working on my villainous monologue all year, and yet now, when I find myself at the time to come out and say it... I simply can't find the words. Well, let's start with the obvious, shall we? Welcome to my family's old graveyard- that's my father's tombstone you're tied to right now- George Locke II, though most of the world simply knew him as George Locke Jr. Such a foolish muggle, though I must thank him for demonstrating to me what that race is like. I enjoyed killing him, truly I did- and now, sixty years later, I am rewarded."

Mario fought to keep a neutral expression, but couldn't keep the fear out of his eyes, particularly whenever Tabuu turned towards him- he let out his breath when the monstrosity turned away, only to catch it again as he approached. "And the house over there- ah, memories- I am getting reminiscent in my old age! Not that I grew up there, of course- my father hated the smashing world too much to even acknowledge my existence. But the worst thing he ever did was to give me his name... George Locke III... pah. Tabuu suits me much better, wouldn't you say?"

Abruptly, Tabuu cocked his head as he looked up. "Well, it's about time..."

A flurry of activity abruptly filled the graveyard- a burst of diamonds, a rush of wind, a motorbike, a spiral of dark energy... Tabuu's followers, returning to discover their master, still very much alive...

Mario stared- the starmen were all dressed in uniform- those strange suits of white, blue, silver, and gold, helmets with visors concealing their faces...

It was a white starman that made the first move, inching forward as though he couldn't believe it. "Lord... Lord Tabuu... you've returned!"

"Stand up, you fools, and fall into formation!" Tabuu barked in that voice of his. "Don't bother making room for anyone else, though- if anyone else arrives, late on the scene, they will have to do as my... _example..._"

The starmen backed up, forming a ring around the graveyard. Tabuu narrowed his... eyes. "Is that guilt I sense within you? Good. I _should _be detecting guilt from all of you... guilt from you starmen, my loyal followers who did not _hesitate _to arrive when they felt their master calling them once more!" As he spoke, he approached one starman, caressing his chin gently and speaking in a chiding voice an adult might use to scold a child. "You... you _do _know why you should feel guilt... don't you?"

The starman trembled, then broke down. "Please, Lord Tabuu, please forgive me-eeee_eeee_EEEEE!"

Tabuu had produced his whip once more, screeching out words as he struck with it- "Darkness, suffering, misery, pain, pain, pain, pain!"

A rustle went around the starmen as Tabuu took out fourteen years' worth of frustration upon the starman, before backing up, the starman panting and struggling to return to his feet. "Yes, you know," Tabuu concluded. "You know- for fourteen years, I lay alone and helpless in the cruelest form this world could have bestowed upon me, and yet, not a single one of my _loyal followers _saw fit to come to my side and render assistance! Why? Because they thought I had died? They thought I was truly gone for good? What other answer could there be- why else would they do such foolish things as plead innocence, enchantment, or coercion, denouncing the one to whom they had once pledged such fealty?

"However, that assumption was foolish in itself, wasn't it? After all, they should have known- they should have witnessed for themselves the lengths I have gone to to shed the mortal coil- they stood alongside me as I transcended the realms of this pitiful reality, and made myself a god! How could they truly believe that a _god _had been slain?

"How many of you... how many of you thought for even a _second _that it was possible- even entertained the _notion _that a greater power existed? How many of you fell under the influence of that _filthy _champion of muggles and wollywogs, the Master Hand?"

Another rustle amongst the starmen, with a few mumbled denials and shaking heads. Tabuu turned back to the starman he'd tortured earlier. "You think you have experienced true pain here, tonight, White? You don't know the _meaning _of the word. Through your inactions, I was forced to endure fourteen years of _hell_... fourteen years that I expect you to repay in full before I truly forgive you. The only one of you who has even begun their repayment is Mumkhar."

Everyone glanced in surprise at Mumkhar, who was clutching his stump and sobbing against the tombstone earlier occupied by Mario- only to look up in horror as Tabuu bore down on him. "You returned to me... but out of fear, not loyalty, is that not correct?"

"It... it's true!" Mumkhar sobbed.

"It is not the actions you perform, but the intentions behind them that matter, correct?"

"Yes sir, it's true, it's true!"

"After all, Batman did not abandon Gotham because its citizens weren't thanking him, did he?"

"No, sir, no he didn't!"

"Correct... however, it is only thanks to you that I stand here alive... and so, rewarded you shall be." Tabuu raised his hands in the air and began swiping them through it, leaving a trail of light behind, eventually forming into the shape of a hand- a hand much like his own, which lowered down towards Mumkhar's wondering eyes, and attaching itself to his wrist.

"Oh, sir... thank you, sir... thank you!"

"May that hand serve as a reminder, Mumkhar... a reminder of the rewards you reap for serving me... and the penalty you will incur should you ever turn."

"Oh, _never, _sir, never!"

"In addition, your actions have given you the unique privilege of sampling my controller's power, have they not?"

"Oh, yes, sir, yes, it made my claws so much stronger than before..."

Tabuu smirked, then floated back to the ring of starmen. "As for the rest of you... I _will _see you suffer for your disloyalty! White! Twinrova! Hawthorne! Not _one _of you tried to find me- not even _you, _Dragmire!"

As he listed each name, he lashed out with another whip and snatched off the masks of various starmen- a man with bizarrely light-blue hair and a clefted chin- an old hag with an overly large nose, resembling the stereotypical witch... Dahlia Hawthorne, a young woman Mario recognized from the previous year, who'd attempted to kill Epona the loftwing- and, last yet most chilling of all, Ghirahim Dragmire, Bowser's own father.

"Sir, you know that I am forever loyal to you!" said peacock objected, flourishing as much as ever. "Had any signs appeared to me, had I heard the faintest _whisper-_"

"Oh, there were whispers, Dragmire, and something a little more noticeable than a simple sign- though I noticed you ran from it, when you saw it in the air over the Grand Prix..." Tabuu smiled nastily as Ghirahim's face turned abruptly more pale than usual. "Oh, yes, I know about that... thought you'd have a nice bit of fun in the name of the old ways, but when you saw a _sign _that I may be on the move again, you fled... but do not worry. You are... _valuable _to me. I hear you have attained a high position within the government- such a crucial position could not be simply sacrificed. Use it well, and you have little to fear from me..."

"Yes, sir... you are very gracious, sir..."

Tabuu gave a smile and a shake of his head as he turned around the ring. "Hmm... the Labrynnas are absent, I see- though, the way I hear it, they were imprisoned within Subspace long ago, refusing to denounce me even as the floows dragged them away. It doesn't matter- the floows will be all too easy to turn, and once Subspace is ours, Zant and Veran will return, and be showered with all the honors they deserve, putting themselves in the same hell that I was forced to endure... or the closest approximation, at the very least."

His eyes next fell on the red-haired Dahlia. "Ah, the flower of my followers, Ms. Hawthorne- you have turned your bloodthirsty ways towards animals the government deems too dangerous to continue living, is this correct?"

"Yes, sir, it is," Dahlia nodded.

"Then worry not- turn your bloodlust in the correct direction when I require it, and you shall never be left wanting for victims...

"And what of you, White? Twinrova? I hear your children are getting along famously with Ghirahim's-"

"Sir, I've been raising a secret fund to mount an expedition for you," the blue-haired man spoke up. "Through my company, Bluecorp, I've been raising untold amounts to divert into finding and reviving-"

"Yes, yes, I get the point," Tabuu waved aside.

"And let's not forget _our _plan!" spoke the stereotypical witch. "We sought to perform the most arcane rituals-"

"I get the _point._"

"And don't forget about us!" squeaked another couple of starmen.

"That will _do, _Lololo, Lalala!" Tabuu objected. "That will do. There are six others I expected to see here, yet I do not. The Master Chief, according to my information, is attempting to skulk below my radar- he cannot hide, he will be found and duly punished. Wolf O'Donnell... I have reason to believe he truly _has _left us- and if any of you ever think I am being to harsh with my punishments upon you, let Wolf O'Donnell stand as an example of what happens to those who _truly _feel my wrath...

"Ah, my most loyal servant of all, the one who shall be praised above even the Labrynnas- she could not come here tonight, lest she ruin her cover at the Smash Mansion, but when she finally _does _arrive, she can expect a swift promotion through our ranks..."

"Sir," Ghirahim spoke, raising an eyebrow as he scanned the ground, "why is there a dead ape here?"

Tabuu gave a start, turning around. "Oh, forgot all about him. Hmm... shame. I sense his blood is pure, it is truly unfortunate he arrived at the same time as-"

"Get your filthy paws off of him, you damn dirty _starman!" _Mario spat, finally managing to get the cloth out of his mouth through movements of his lips. Tabuu spun around, and smirked.

"Ah, Mario! You were so battered and pathetic over there, that for a moment, I forgot you existed! My beloved starmen, I introduce you to our guest of honor tonight- Mario Mario!"

Tabuu smiled and nodded as he turned back to the starmen, flourishing as he began to speak. "The story truly begins and ends with our pyromancer friend here- as you all know, he is where my years of hell began, so it only seemed fitting that he be where it end! I attempted to kill him, and through his own power and charisma..." his voice was dripping with sarcasm- "he rebounded the attack upon me, the greatest hero the world has ever seen, and at such a tender age! So, tell me, Mario, shall I tell them the truth? Reveal what _truly _happened tonight?"

Mario fought to stay deadpan as he forced out, through the haze of pain and fear he was under, "Frankly, you can talk all you want- I don't give a rat's-"

Tabuu cut him off. "Very well- it was not his own power, but his mother's- by sacrificing herself for him, she provided him with a protection so thorough that not even _I _could penetrate it! An old bit of smashing- one of the oldest- but one that is now invalidated. Watch, and see the extent of my power!"

Mario's heart jolted as Tabuu bore down on him again and swung his fist into his face. The pyromancer's head cocked to the right as the fist made of light smashed into his cheek. Tabuu smiled, shaking his hand as he backed up. "I've been waiting to do that for fourteen years, Mario Mario... you have no _idea _how good it feels. At any rate," he continued, turning back to the starmen, "that was the moment that my body was blasted apart beneath its own immense power. After all, the only thing that can truly kill a god... is a god. Nevertheless, all my work towards immortality paid off- where I should be dead, I was not. It was a heavy price, but a price that, looking back, I have no regrets about paying. As I said, it was hell- all I could do was force myself to exist, day by day, week by week... year by year. If I were to let go for a second, I would fall back into the abyss- and that, I could not allow. The only power left to me was the ability to possess others- and even that was severely limited. I could only possess those who first granted me their permission- and you can imagine how often _that _occurred. It took me ten years to locate a willing host... who was promptly defeated by that _loathsome wretch _who so determinedly stood between me and my return... Mario Mario.

"Of all the servants to return to me, it was _Mumkhar- _Mumkhar who found me, Mumkhar who nursed me back to health...

"Of course, we weren't quite _alone _at first, were we, Mumkhar? One night, he became so hungry that, out of sheer desperation, he stepped into a nearby McDonald's to forage for food. While there, he met a young woman who had lost her way, and offered to show her directions to Berlin, her ultimate destination... but instead, led her into the heart of the Black Forest, where I lay, mistaken by many as Der Großman, that mythical monster. You may have heard the name- a young smasher named Adrian Andrews?" Yet another rustle. Tabuu smirked as he continued. "It was a gamble, that is true- had it gone wrong, all would have been lost... but instead, it paid off. With the information we extracted from her, she became the foundation upon which we constructed the plan that leads to what you see here...

"The Console Games were to be played at the Smash Mansion this year. In addition, there was a _fiercely _faithful starman living out in the open, concealed in a transparent prison, ready to be released by one strong enough to break the ties that bound her. However, once all information had been extracted, there was hardly anything left of her, and only one thing left to do with what remained."

"You killed her?" the blue-haired man, White, asked, a bead of sweat forming on his brow.

"I would say so," Tabuu cackled. "But her body did not go to waste, worry not- it was liquified and used as the base of the power-up that resurrected me here tonight!"

Mario felt a jolt of lightning hit his heart... then, that red-orange goop was...

Tabuu shook his head and continued his narrative. "Mumkhar had a long task ahead of him, if I was to be truly revived- a great deal of power-ups were necessary to even give me back a rudimentary body, with a few ingredients improvised by yours truly. The blood of a rapidash... venom from my faithful Dry Bones..." here, he nodded at that skeletal koopa... "and a few other odds and ends, and I found myself in a flesh-and-blood form once more, though not the one that I would have liked. As far as the power-up to truly revive me, it required several things... a liquified human, as I mentioned, readily available in the form of the deceased Adrian Andrews... several other ingredients... a full year in which the individual components had to be added and prepared in _just _the right way... and the final three ingredients to truly bring this whole scheme to fruition. Flesh of a servant, blood of an enemy, and bone of my father. The bone and flesh were readily available, but who's blood to use? As Mumkhar aptly pointed out on several occasions, any smasher who hated me would do- and those are in so much abundance that finding one would be like sending him out to get milk. However, if I was truly to make the best of this, to become even more powerful than I ever was before, not just any smasher would do... it must be the one who defeated me to begin with... Mario Mario."

"So, how to get him? It was a cunning scheme, if I do say so myself- the only feasible method of attaining him without attracting attention was to trick him into touching a whir-gate set to bring him here. 'But Tabuu,' I hear you saying, 'doesn't the government monitor the creation of any and all whir-gates?' Yes, of course they do. However, there was one whir-gate that would do the job... one alone. The trophy that would go to the winner of the Console Games. It was set up as a whir-gate in the first place, to teleport the winner of the final trial back to the outer edge of the labyrinth. Convincing the government that any alterations to that route were simply last-minute adjustments to the magic making it up? Child's play. Nobody would suspect a thing. And when we sent Mario Mario's dead body back to the Smash Mansion... well, they are rather dangerous things, these games, aren't they?" Tabuu laughed. "The fact that the date of the final trial very nearly coincided with the day the power-up would be ready for its final ingredients was just the icing on the cake. And so, I sent my faithful starman in, a spy to make that subtle adjustment to that trophy's course, to ensure that Mario survived those trials, no matter what, to see him through all the way to the end. It was risky, I know it well, but see how it has paid off. Mario Mario... I have you right where I want you. You know what comes next..."

He raised his whip and barely gave Mario time to prepare himself before he struck. "DARKNESS! ANGUISH! FIRE! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!"

Mario screamed, reaching the top of his voice and going even higher and louder. He could feel the whip tearing into his skin, but it was nothing compared to the pain within him- nothing compared, nothing he had ever felt could have ever prepared him for it. Anything would be better than this, anything... _Wave Existence, if you're merciful... take me now!_

And then it went away. Mario panted, head hanging over his chest. The starmen broke out into laughter. Tabuu smirked. "Oh, Mario, I am overjoyed to meet you face-to-face! You've been getting quite a name all around the place! Healing cripples, raising from the dead, and now I understand you're _God..._ at least, that's what you've said..." he slipped into a singing voice.

"You can stop that... right now..." Mario panted.

"Oh, come now, Mario, show us that fighting spirit!" Tabuu continued taunting. "Where's that power that bested me before? What, has something gone wrong? Why do you take so long? Aren't you scared of me, Mr. Wonderful Mario?" He let out a long, cackling laugh. "You're a joke- you're not the Lord! You're nothing but a fraud! Time for me to take you away, finally removing you from my life! And just to prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that the first time was a fluke... Mumkhar, cut his bonds, and return his hat to him."

Obediently, Mumkhar approached the one-winged angel one last time, raising his non-light hand and using the claws thereon to slice the ropes binding Mario there, allowing him to fall to the ground, where Mumkhar kicked his beloved red hat over to him. Mario weakly reached out and placed it on his head. He wanted so badly to summon a final smash right then and there to get himself out of this mess, but he simply didn't have the energy... he would run, but his leg, having suffered so much abuse over such a short amount of time, simply wasn't up to it- it was all he could do to force himself to his feet- and besides, he was surrounded on all sides by starmen.

"According to my spy, you've been taught how melees work, haven't you?" Tabuu taunted. "First, we bow to each other." As he spoke, he bent over himself in one of the most sarcastic bows Mario had ever seen, before straightening up. Giving a false frown, he put on his chiding voice again. "Come now, Mario, be polite- it's what your parents would want, isn't it?" The starmen all laughed cruelly, spurred on by their leader. "Come on, Mario, I thought what we have is _special_\- bow to me, why don't you?"

Mario was still panting from his earlier beating as he wearily shook his head- of all the things he was _not _about to do, it was give this winnicott the satisfaction he wanted...

Tabuu only seemed more amused by Mario's faint act of defiance. "Come on, Mario, I said, _bow!_"

A large fish appeared beneath him and flew into Mario- it caused him no pain, but for reasons even he couldn't explain, as it passed through him, he felt his spine curve into a forced return bow. As soon as the force left him, he returned to his normal standing position. "Very good, Mario- die as your parents died, stuck to their beloved rules right to the very end. Let's get started, shall we? PAIN! SUFFERING! ANGUISH! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!"

Indeed, before Mario could even consider mounting a defense, Tabuu had returned to whipping him, utilizing dark aperture to its fullest extent. He tried to hold back his scream, but couldn't help it- even the various _Saw _films had nothing on the pain he was currently feeling in every inch of his body...

And then it was gone again. Mario retreated a couple steps- he could feel tears forming at the corner of his eyes, but he forced them back- there would be time for crying later, when his life _wasn't _in danger...

But Tabuu seemed to have spied them anyways. He broke out into laughter. "Tears of joy, Mario? I thought I'd give you a little break. Tell you what- because we're such close friends, I'll make you a deal- all you have to do is ask me politely to not do that again, and I won't." The starmen broke into further laughter as they enjoyed the show of Tabuu humiliating a boy over fifty years younger than himself. Mario was reminded heavily of years before, when Bill would torment him in front of his gang of miscreants- he'd play a similar game, just for the purpose of humiliating him. Of course, this was _much _more extreme, but the principle was the same...

"Go hammer a pikachu," he spoke, rising to his feet and summoning the best death glare he could to fire at his nemesis.

"What was that?" Tabuu asked, his eyes narrowing.

"I said, _go suck a railroad spike. _I'm not begging for anything!"

Tabuu seemed taken aback for a second, but then shook his head, laughing again. "It seems you need a little reminder who's in charge here, Mario. Allow me to remind you..." His eyes lit up, and beams fired from them, hitting Mario directly in the forehead...

And bringing him pure, unadulterated bliss. He felt like he was walking through a dream... ah, it was wonderful, not to hurt, not to feel... not to _think..._

"Come on, my boy, just say the words... say them... 'Please don't do that again, Tabuu.' Come on, say it..."

_No! _said a voice at the back of his mind. _You think just because you hook me up with this artificial high, I'll give in to you? I stand by what I said before- go suck a railroad spike!_

"Come now, Mario, it will be easier for you... one simple sentence..."

"AND I'M NOT SAYING IT!" Mario burst out, in his true voice. Tabuu stood before him, aghast as Mario threw off the mind control- only to stagger as all the pain returned to him at once. Nevertheless, he retained his death glare as he forced himself to his feet. "Try and try all you want, your tricks don't work on me!"

"Oh, they don't, do they?" Tabuu's smirk returned. "Let's test that hypothesis, shall we?" He raised his whip and cracked it... but only succeeded in destroying the one-winged angel that Mario had just ducked behind. "Oh, don't do this to me, Mario!" he shouted, glee in his voice- he was fully in control now. "I want you to look at me when I kill you- I want to see the light leave your eyes!"

Mario closed his eyes, desperately trying to summon the happiest thought he could- but this whole situation was acting on him much like a floow, sapping away all the joy he'd ever felt, leaving him with nothing... there was no way out... he was really going to die here...

Something in his mind snapped. If he was going to die, then smeg it- he wasn't going to give Tabuu the satisfaction of hunting him down like a child playing hide-and-seek. He would go out fighting, fighting that loathsome abomination of nature to the very end. "Alright," he choked out, standing and coming out from behind the statue. "Have it your way- this is Burger King."

He and Tabuu acted as one- from Tabuu's back stretched a magnificent, glowing set of butterfly wings, that he wasted no time in beating, sending a shockwave directly towards Mario, who retaliated with a handful of fire.

The next thing Mario knew, his hand was bound to a long string- a string of bright, shining light that was absolute _hell _on his dilated eyes. Following it bewilderedly, it was easy to see this was no design of Tabuu's, either- even the Great Darkness was shocked at what was going on here- the string continued towards him, seemingly formed from the juncture where Mario's fire and Tabuu's shockwave met- as it approached Tabuu, it split into four smaller strings, heading to the four tips of those butterfly wings.

Nobody, not Lucario, not Nostrodomus, not even _Shulk _could have predicted this next event- as Mario and Tabuu gaped at each other over this beam-of-war they'd unwittingly become participants in, their feet lifted from the ground, and they rose up into the air, surrounded by the string's cousins- it had splintered off into several strings, enveloping them thoroughly. Mario spied a couple of starmen raising their controllers, attempting to help their master in this fight. "NO!" Tabuu yelled, glaring down at them. "DO NOTHING- HE'S MINE TO FINISH! _MINE!_"

Not that it mattered anyways- none of their projectiles could get even close to them. They got as far as the strings, then vanished.

Mario would be the first to admit that he had no idea whatsoever what was going on- but it had given him something he didn't have before- hope. Where he had just been about to die, he now had, at the very least, a snowball's chance in hell of getting out of here still breathing. He had to think, though- what, exactly, could he do? At the very least, as long as this strange connection between him and Tabuu lasted, he had time to think... but no sooner had that thought cleared his head than keeping that connection intact became much easier said than done. The string was vibrating against his hands, rapidly- it was becoming very difficult to hold on to. Looking across the way, he saw Tabuu suffering a similar battle with his wings- they were starting to twitch. And, in the very middle of this bizarre string, a large bead was forming, and beginning the long journey down towards Mario's hands.

Again, Mario had no idea what was going on- at this point, any action he took was equally likely to be his salvation or damnation- but he could feel it in his gut- he did _not _want that bead coming anywhere near his glove. Sure enough, the closer it got, the harder and harder it was becoming to hold on. As it drew particularly close, however, the string splintered again, a new path going off towards his hat...

And that was where he drew the line. Nobody was going to mess with his hat. He threw all the force he had into _making_ that bead go away from him, down the line towards Tabuu, who was just as in the dark about all this as he was, but now, _he _was the one feeling that bead's strain, he was the one with the string breaking off and making tracks for his power controller, that strange battery within his chest...

This was good. Mario had no idea _why,_ or what, exactly, he would accomplish through this, but he just _knew _that what he was doing, forcing Tabuu to be the one who accepted that bead, was a step in the right direction. He forced with all his might, causing Tabuu's eyes to widen in fear as the bead stopped right in front of that battery... and entered.

A loud scream came from Tabuu's direction, but strangely enough, it didn't seem to be coming from Tabuu himself- rather, it seemed to be coming from that battery. Mario and Tabuu both stared as something abruptly emerged from the front- the faint, bright outline of a hand. Mario had no idea what to make of it, but he was even more thrown off as something else appeared- a large head, made out of the same light that seemed to comprise Tabuu... followed by absurdly broad shoulders... well muscled arms and chest... and finally, the feet, all in light, all in imitation of the ape who had just died... all in imitation of Donkey Kong.

Mario's jaw dropped as DK fell to the ground, then forced himself to his feet- it _was _DK, but at the same time, it wasn't. He seemed to be made out of that same shifting light that Tabuu was- and yet, it was clearly the ape's persona in there, as he made his way across the cage of light towards his old rival. "Hang in there, Mario- hold on to that string, don't let go!" His voice echoed as though they were communicating from opposite sides of a vast cavern.

DK, as it turned out, wasn't alone- another body was emerging from that battery- a dark-haired youth with glasses, dressed in a shirt imprinted with a blocky M and a pink moustache...

"So you're the Mario Mario guy he was talking about, huh?" Markiplier grinned across the way at Mario. "This dinkus thought he'd kill me with those butterfly wings of his... don't let him get _you _down, okay?"

Mario nodded, in pure awe at talking to what appeared to be the ghost of his idol...

Next up was a blond woman, dressed in black, short hair pulled behind her head. She gazed towards him the moment she'd been released from the battery, shuddering. "That was horrible," she spoke in the customary echoing voice. "Really, horrible... Mario, right? Don't let go- don't let him do to you what he did to me- don't let go!"

Mario nodded again, addressing who he could only assume was Adrian Andrews. He looked towards Tabuu's battery, expecting the next person in line to be coming out... but they didn't, not yet. Meanwhile, DK, Mark, and Adrian began pacing the cage of gold, whispering words of encouragement to Mario and throwing taunts at Tabuu.

"Come on, Mario, you're worth three banana hoards and a crystal coconut!"

"Wilfred Worfstache knows what's best, and _you,_ buddy, are the best!"

"I never got to know you, Mario, but now that I see you, I regret not getting the chance..."

"I bet you couldn't even make it through Jungle Hijinx!"

"I've seen scarier things in _Octodad _and _Evil_!"

"Why even bother fighting on for your worthless pride?"

Their words to both parties allowed Mario the faintest of smiles- which slid off his face when he saw the next arrival. Truth be told, he'd been expecting this from the moment he saw DK making his appearance... deep in his heart, he'd known it was only a matter of time...

Sure enough, next on scene, with violently red clothing matched only by her hair, with blue eyes matching his own to a T, was Sarah Mario. She smiled sadly as she reached out in an effort to touch her son on the shoulder- but so close to living flesh, her hand began to dissolve. "Your father's on his way," she spoke gently. "He was so eager... just wait a little longer, okay? We'll both be with you soon... son."

And then, there he was- white shirt, black jeans, equally-black hair falling messily around his head... there stood Jake Mario. He came over, and spoke to him alongside his wife. "This'll be tough, my boy," he spoke, gently but sternly at the same time. "You're going to have to break the connection, then get back to the whir-gate as soon as you can. We can buy you some time, but only a few seconds- you'll have to move _fast_\- got it?"

"Yeah... yeah, I got it," Mario nodded, tears forcing themselves into his eye, fighting a battle with him to fall as difficult as the one he was waging with Tabuu.

"Don' worry- you're the greatest smasher of the modern age- this will be _child's play _for you," Adrian smiled.

"Keep on trucking, buddy- don't let this dinkus get you down," Mark smiled.

DK was the next to speak, looking uncharacteristically serious. "Mario... do me a favor, will you? Take my body, bring it back so Cranky and Diddy have something to bury, alright? And tell them... tell them I'll always be with them..."

Mario nodded- those tears were really fighting to be released...

"Alright, let's do this," Jake rallied everyone to his side. "We need to give Mario as much time as we can, got it?"

"Roger!" everyone nodded.

Mario looked up at them. "What can I-"

"There's no time," Sarah shook her head regretfully. "I wish we could talk, but we need to act now- let go! You're ready, son- let go! Let go!"

Mario did- he put all the force into his hands that he could and wrenched them away from the string, causing it to dissipate. As he fell towards the ground, he aimed for DK's body, only vaguely seeing out of the corner of his eye as the remnants of those who had fallen swarmed both Tabuu and the starmen. He landed on the ground directly on his leg, which buckled beneath him. Perhaps he'd have felt the pain under normal circumstances, but right now, he had adrenaline pumping through him- he only had one shot...

He rolled over and found himself on top of DK's mountainous body. Looking off into the distance, he saw that accursed trophy, glimmering in the starlight. There was only one way he was getting out of this... he threw his hand forward, summoning a stream of fire that reached out, curled around one of the handles, and began dragging it back.

"Stop him, stop him, STOP HIM! Kill him if you have to, just STOP HIM!"

The starmen were thundering towards him, but they were too late by a fraction of a second- the trophy touched his hands, and he was taking off back into that void of colors, the fallen ape at his side.

_XXXX_

Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.


	39. The Other Karma

Gamer4 in.

Disclaimer:...

Chapter XXXIII

The Other Karma

Mario heard music as he slammed into the ground for the second time that night. Joyful, triumphant music, completely at odds with what he was feeling within... a turmoil of horror, sorrow, and simple, basic fear. He felt strangely detached from reality as he struggled to force his eyes open and observe his surroundings- he had to make sure he'd arrived at his intended destination, after all...

The light seemed to be applying a red-hot poker to both his eyes, but he forced them open anyways. He could see the bleachers from the trial, many people standing up and beginning to cheer in celebration... only for those bright, merry looks to fade away as they realized what they were actually seeing...

A scream sounded, and that was the cue for those screams to spread across the rest of the stadium, causing Mario's head to throb more and more, but to remain motionless all the while. He was still struggling to come to grips with what had occurred- despite all the evidence of his senses (as well as the solid evidence within his arms) he still couldn't quite believe it.

A familiar, comforting voice rang out- "Mario! Can you hear me? Mario? _Mariooooo!_"

He looked up to see a giant right hand in a glove streaking across the ground towards him, concern etched into his voice. He wasn't the only one- a vast crowd was abandoning their seats and coming down in order to get a better look at what was going on.

Abruptly remembering the trophy, and what it had done, he threw it away from himself with all the force he could muster. He used the remainder of that strength to hold on to Donkey Kong even tighter.

"Mario... Mario, what happened?" came the shocked voice of Olimar Tate. Said diminutive ex-president bent over and attempted to pry Mario away from the ape.

"NO!" Mario objected, wrenching his arm away and returning to his old position. As Olimar attempted again, the tears that had been fighting with him all night finally broke free- his life wasn't in danger anymore, there was no need to hold back. "NO!"

Finally, Olimar's brain seemed to finally process what he was seeing. "K...Kong! Holy Wave Existence, Kong! He's dead! Master, he's... he's dead!"

His cry alerted the rest of the crowd, and soon enough, everyone surrounding the area seemed to know it- Donkey Kong... had passed on.

"Mario, what happened?" the Master Hand asked gently.

"He's back!" Mario cried, tears streaming down his face. "Tabuu- he's back!"

A wave of horror seemed to pulse over the crowd, and even the Master Hand twitched a bit at this, before continuing with his gentle, quiet voice. "Mario... there's nothing more you can do for Donkey. It's over. Let him go."

"He... he wanted to come back," Mario sobbed- now that he'd started, he couldn't stop his body from shaking with the sobs racking it. "He wanted to come back to his family- I couldn't- I couldn't leave him!"

"It's going to be okay, Mario... it's going to be okay. Let him go."

Mario finally loosened his grip on DK, allowing the Master Hand to guide him to his feet.

Olimar turned to the Master Hand- "He doesn't look good, Master- shouldn't we get him to Nurse Tessie?"

"Good idea," came a gruff voice nearby. "Tell you what- you two take care of the crowd, and _I _will take him to the Nurse."

The Master Hand shook himself. "I can't help but-"

"Do not worry- he is in good hands," the gruff voice objected, forcing Mario to his feet, slinging him over its shoulder in a fireman's carry and heading back up to the mansion.

"So, what happened out there, Mario?" the gruff voice asked- as he slowly came to his senses, Mario finally recognized it as Simon Belmont.

"A... a whir-gate," Mario choked out as he was carried up the stairs in the foyer like a sack of potatoes. "The trophy... it was a whir-gate. DK and I took it... and it sent us to this... this graveyard... and Tabuu... Tabuu... he's back..." Slowly, he was beginning to turn numb to what had happened- and as he did, the tears began to slow.

Simon seemed particularly interested now. "The Great Darkness, you say? What happened next?"

"Donkey Kong... they... they killed him... they didn't need to, it was just because... just because he was _there_..."

"And then?"

"A power-up... liquified human... bone... flesh... blood... Tabuu... Simon, he's back!"

"You are certain?" Simon asked, slipping momentarily into a strange accent that, in his daze, Mario couldn't recognize. "You are absolutely _certain _that the Great Darkness lives once more?"

"Yeah... yeah, pretty sure... we fought... only just barely got out alive..."

"You _fought _the Great Darkness? And _won_?"

"Just barely," Mario repeated. "Our controllers- our controllers hit each other, did this weird thing... all the people he's killed... they came back... even my parents..."

Mario had no idea how Simon was reacting to this, due to still being slung over his back. Simon bore him at last into his office and slumped him into a chair. A moment later, Mario felt a cup being pushed into his hands. "Here, have some soda... not much, but it's about all I can offer..."

Forcing his head into looking up, Mario saw Simon turn around and begin pacing through his office. He was strongly tempted by the soda in his hand, but felt too sickly to actually drink it- in all likelihood, it would just end up back on the floor.

"So, why did the Great Darkness need you?" Simon asked. "This big regeneration ceremony, what, did he just invite you for sh**s and giggles?"

"No," Mario shook his head- well, more like flopped it from side to side. "He... he needed my blood... something about it making him stronger than... than he was before..."

"And the starmen? How did he treat them?"

"Well, he got- hold up..." Something about that sentence rubbed Mario the wrong way. "I... I don't think I... I don't think I mentioned the starmen..."

Simon looked taken aback for a moment, but then shook his head. "Not important, not important! How did he-"

"Come to think of it," Mario interrupted, looking down into his cup, "Tabuu... crap!" He recalled something that he should have told the Master Hand before _anything _else he'd said- "Tabuu! He said there's a starman here, in the Smash Mansion- the one who put my name in the bottle, the one who's been behind everything all year!"

Simon looked agitated as he rubbed the back of his head. "Of course there is- I have known it all year."

"You have?" Mario gasped, on the verge of leaping to his feet. "Who is it? The Master Chief?"

"The Master Chief?" Simon gave a lopsided grin. "That fool fled as soon as he felt the Mark of the Emissary burn upon his arm. Do not worry about him- he will get his just desserts soon enough. Nobody hides from the Great Darkness for long..."

"Then, then who-"

Simon straightened his back. "Those bosses were quite ferocious, weren't they? Crazy was so excited when I told him exactly what the first trial would entail..."

Mario blinked. "What are you talking about? We've got more important things than-"

Simon interrupted, a smile that seemed most unlike him creasing his face. "Do you really think he would have shown you those bosses if I had not suggested it to him? Do you think Luigi and Yoshi, the most challenged individuals in this mansion could have come up with the idea to use a Zora Mask if I had not done everything short of shouting it in their foolish faces? Do you think that fool of an ape could have solved the puzzle of the orb if I had not all but told him how it worked in the first place? Well? _Do you?!_"

Mario blinked. "You mean... _you're _the one who-"

"Put your name in the bottle? It is about time you fools caught on." As he continued to speak, that accent in Simon's voice became more pronounced. "Put your name in the bottle and guided you through the trials to the very end, ensuring you would touch that whir-gate and be taken right into the Great Darkness's loving embrace. As long as we are being honest, I also happen to be the one who fired the Mark of the Emissary into the air at the Grand Prix- scared the life out of those faux-starmen who dared to walk free while their master languished in prison... oh, tell me he hurt them, Mario, tell me he punished their foolishness, tell me they suffered!"

Mario was caught off guard, still opening and closing his mouth in sheer confusion. Of all the things that had happened tonight, this was the most baffling of all- his mind couldn't process what he was expected to believe here. _Simon Belmont, _a starman?

"I have been working so hard for this moment all year," Simon continued after Mario remained silent for a significant period of time. "Making the trials much easier for you than they should have been. I chose Sonic as my puppet for the final trial- controlling his mind to run ahead of you and take out all the obstacles he could- you did not notice, but he was _literally _running circles around you! After that, I had him take out that foolish Snake to ensure to the best of my ability that you were the one to reach that trophy. Unfortunately, that ape seems to have slipped through my net... but if the Great Darkness has truly returned, it is of no consequence."

Mario cast his eyes around- had the whole world gone insane? Finally, his eyes fell on Simon's soliton radar- that map of the mansion demonstrating friends as green, and enemies as red. He could see three rapidly-moving green dots making their way up the stairs, slowly turning to red the closer they drew...

Simon turned back to him, a truly crazed look forming in his eyes. "Tabuu... was always my true father. He was there for me when my own father was always off on his quests for glory- and he is the one who so recently offered me the opportunity to kill my father, finally ridding myself of that fool once and for all!"

"You've lost your mind!" Mario finally broke. "This- this can't be-"

"Oh, what, this can't be happening?" Simon leered. "You think you are so invincible, do you not? But maybe that cockiness will wear off, now that the Great Darkness has returned! I notice you have not taken a drink..."

Mario glanced down at the soda, seeing it in a new, sinister light just before Simon crossed the room in only a couple strides, grabbing his hands and attempting to force the drink down his throat.

CRASH!

The door flew open, revealing three individuals on the other side. Two guns went off, along with a blur of white flying across the room, and Simon crashed into the opposite wall. Mario was stunned.

Stepping into the room from the hallway was Samus Aran, Wolf O'Donnell, and the Master Hand. The first two looked angry, true enough- Samus was formidable under normal circumstances, becoming absolutely frightening when she needed to, and Wolf was currently in that frame of mind that made him seem much more animal than human... but the one who scared him most of all was the Master Hand. There was no calm peace about him now- pure rage and power emanated from him, almost tangible, giving off more heat than he felt even he cold muster.

Samus turned towards Mario, fighting to assume a calmer face as she did. "Come on, Mario, we need to get you to-"

"Hold it, Samus," the Master Hand spoke up, sounding short even with her.

"Master, the poor boy's been through enough tonight-"

"Samus Aran, leave him where he is!" the Master Hand barked, and even Samus looked momentarily cowed. The Master Hand fought to regain control. "He needs to stay... because he needs to understand. Only then can he truly begin to heal..."

"How- how could it be Simon?" Mario asked, dropping the glass of soda onto the ground, where, sure enough, it boiled and fizzled into the carpet in a way that no ordinary soda should. "He... he was..."

"This is _not _Simon Belmont," the Master Hand shook himself, rage still rolling off of him in waves. "If it were, he would never have taken you from my side."

"Transformo candy," came a voice nearby, drawing everyone's attention to Wolf, going through Simon's pockets and picking up a familiar scent. "So, _this _is the one who's been stealing from me..."

"It won't last much longer," the Master Hand muttered. "Wolf, do you happen to have any more Truth EVE hypo?"

"I do."

"Get it- we'll need it to interrogate our friend here."

Wolf nodded and made a beeline out of the room, running on all fours. The Master Hand turned to Simon and waved himself over him, leaving a blue light in his wake... and Simon began to transform.

At first, he shrunk significantly, a great deal of muscle fading away. His hair retracted into his head, going from dark red to a cold, icy blue. Eventually, there were two areas that ceased shrinking, even as the rest of him continued- the area around his hips, and the area around his chest. His face became more narrow, a mole formed on one cheek, and at the end...

Mario stared at the young woman who had appeared in Simon Belmont's place, lying unconscious on the ground. Another wave of the Master Hand, and her eyes began to blink open, revealing that they were just as icy blue as her hair. And then, to the shock of both Mario and Samus, without even shifting to his human form first... the Master Hand punched her.

"What the-" she began, but the Master Hand cut her off.

"WHAT DOES MARIO MARIO LOOK LIKE?!"

"What?" the woman asked, confusion appearing on her face.

The Master Hand slapped into a nearby table, smashing it into the wall. "WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU FROM?!"

"...What?"

"'WHAT?! THAT ISN'T ANY COUNTRY I'VE EVER HEARD OF! DO THEY SPEAK ENGLISH IN WHAT?!"

"What?"

"ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!"

"Yes," the woman nodded, shock in her face- clearly, she hadn't expected this any more than the other two in the room.

"SO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?!"

"Yes!"

"DESCRIBE WHAT MARIO MARIO LOOKS LIKE!"

The woman turned to Mario. "He... he has blue eyes, a moustache..."

"GO ON!"

"He's always dressed in red and blue overalls-"

"DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?!"

"What?" the woman asked confusedly, only to receive another giant fist to the face.

"DOES HE LOOK... LIKE A BITCH?!"

The woman shook her head, clearly desperate to avoid another whack. "No!"

"THEN WHY DID YOU AND TABUU TRY TO FUCK HIM LIKE A BITCH?! WHY DID YOU TWO DO THAT?! DON'T YOU DARE SAY YOU DIDN'T- YOU'VE BEEN STRINGING HIM ALONG ALL YEAR, WAITING TO USE HIM FOR THIS... FOR THIS..."

"I've got the hypo," interrupted a voice from the door, turning everyone around to see an anthro grey wolf standing there. Even he looked intimidated as the Master Hand crossed the room and took it from him. He then rolled up the woman's sleeve and rammed the needle in, injecting the liquid before tearing it back out and throwing it across the room.

"To begin with," he started, soundign only slightly calmer than before, "why don't you tell us your real name?"

"Franziska... Franziska von... Karma," the woman forced out.

"And where's the _real _Simon Belmont?" the Master Hand demanded.

Franziska struggled to remain silent, prompting the Master Hand to hurry things along. "Is he in this room?" More forced silence- apparently, that hypo was taking longer to circulate through her bloodstream than the Master Hand would like. "IS HE IN THIS ROOM!?"

Finally, her eyes strayed over to the trunk sitting in the corner- the one Mario had been told earlier contained magazines of illicit content. The Master Hand flew over and tore off the lid. Mario peered in along with the others- and cringed away when he saw what was inside.

A long, dark, narrow shaft, at the bottom of which sat a figure clad in tatty rags. Simon Belmont had been well-muscled once, this Mario knew, but at the moment, he looked like a skeleton- the only way they could tell he was even still alive was the faint rise and fall of his chest.

"Wolf, go get him a blanket," the Master Hand ordered. "As warm and comfortable as you can find- we'll pull him out as soon as he wakes up."

Wolf nodded and turned out once more.

The Master Hand turned back to Franziska. "So, it seems you managed to escape Subspace... somehow. Perhaps you could elaborate on that story a little?"

Franziska struggled to remain silent, but it seemed the hypo was taking hold at last. "My... my mother. She never really believed that I committed the crime I was imprisoned for- she believed I was innocent until the day she died. My papa did it as a favor to her- he prepared some transformo-candy and had us switch forms on a routine check to Subspace. I left, my mother stayed behind- to die in my place. It was just for the prisoners' benefit, really- the floows cannot tell one human from another, and would not care even if they did."

The Master Hand was struggling to keep his newfound composure as he continued. "And once you'd returned home?"

Franziska scowled. "My papa never truly believed in my innocence- he was a little too cunning for his own good. He was willing to get me out of Subspace for my mama's sake, but once that was out of the way, he faked her death- to this day, he still goes out, once a year, to visit an empty grave on the pretense that it is hers. Birdo nursed me back to health... and then began my house imprisonment. My will was strong, but my papa was a powerful smasher- he utilized a powerful form of mind control to subdue me. He knew that if he did not, I would return to Tabuu's side in a heartbeat. He had rarely allowed visitors before, but he never allowed anyone into our house afterwards, and made me wear a blanket of invisibility... just in case. The only one I ever received any sympathy from was Birdo- she convinced papa to allow me outside for brief periods of time... little excursions to reward me... for my good behavior." Her scowl deepened further and further as her story continued.

"And how did you get out?" the Master Hand asked.

"It started with that foolish woman from the government- she arrived at our house to deliver some reports to papa regarding the Console Games. Papa was out, but Birdo took her to the kitchen and fed her before hurrying upstairs to check on me. That woman grew curious about what was happening, and came upstairs at the same time as I was taking off my blanket for one brief moment. She saw me... and just then, my papa arrived.

"He was furious- he altered her memory to erase any traces of me from her mind. Apparently, he got a little overzealous with it- I hear her memory was never quite the same since."

"And the Grand Prix?"

"One of those outings," Franziska answered promptly- whether she was ceasing to care about what she revealed, or if the hypo was becoming more effective the longer it was in her system, Mario couldn't tell. "It took Birdo a full year to convince Papa to let me go. I always adored Smash-Up, and Germany- my home country- was playing that year, so she convinced him... as long as I remained beneath my blanket at all times, with her watching me closely.

"But what she could not know was that I was steadily growing immune to Papa's mind control. Like a disease, I was learning to fight it, to return to my own will for brief moments at a time. During the match was one of those times. I looked... and saw a power controller before me, just sitting on the back of a boy's head. It had been so long since I used my powers, and I saw a golden opportunity to escape at last- I took it without anyone noticing."

"And with it?"

"I was planning to escape- until I heard them." Franziska's face grew remarkably dark. "The starmen- those fools who sought to escape retribution after the fall of Tabuu by denouncing him. I grew furious- I wanted to hurt them, to attack them... to kill them. I rushed out into the woods, Birdo struggling to drag me back the whole time. I never managed to get to them, but I did give them a little reminder of what being a _true _starman is about- I fired the Mark of the Emissary into the night sky.

"Then came those fools from the government, so desperately seeking the person who summoned the mark. Birdo and I were both caught in the crossfire, knocked unconscious to the ground. When Papa found her, he knew what it must mean. When the coast was clear, he doubled the effort he put into his mind control, and took us both back home. He imprisoned me more thoroughly than ever before, and fired Birdo for good measure- she'd failed him, almost allowing me to escape like that.

"And then there were two... until the day a strange, loping man arrived, with greasy black hair..." Franziska gave a cold smile. "He was in the arms of Mumkhar Virgil, acting upon information uncovered from Adrian Andrews. He had put together the perfect plan for his resurrection, and needed me, his most loyal follower, to see it through. In a flash, our positions had changed- Tabuu freed me, and Papa was placed under his control. I breathed the free air as I never had before- my happiest moment in years. Papa was forced to go about his business as usual, acting as though nothing was wrong.

"It was the happiest moment of my life, when the Great Darkness named me his deputy- his second-in-command. All he asked in return was that I return to the Mansion I had not been to in years and act out my part of the plan- find Mario Mario, gain his trust, ensure that he got to the end of the Console Games. Redirect the whir-gate, have it make a little detour before it took the victors back to the edge of the labyrinth..."

"And your chosen vessel was Simon Belmont," the Master Hand guessed, disgust etched into his voice.

"He was the obvious choice," Franziska agreed. "We had plenty of transformo-candy prepared in advance. The moment we subdued him, we stuffed him in that trunk of his and had me transform into him- a form I have maintained ever since. Staving off suspicion was easy enough, as he is a renowned paranoiac. Some more mind control from the Great Darkness later, and Simon told me everything that I would need to impersonate him so flawlessly that even you, Mr. _Hand_, would suspect nothing. To keep my stock of transformo-candy filled, I made some myself, taking what I needed from that anthro's office. If he ever caught me, all I needed to say was that I was searching it, as Simon Belmont most certainly would. Everything was going perfectly, but then..."

"Your father escaped," the Master Hand guessed again.

Franziska nodded. "It was that fool, Mumkhar's fault. Papa had begun to fight the mind control, just as I had. One night, he broke free, and made his way to the Smash Mansion, seeking to tell you everything. If he succeeded, all would be lost. The morning he broke free, the Great Darkness sent me word of his escape, and gave me specific instructions to find him and dispose of him. It wasn't difficult- not when I had the Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion."

"The what?" the Master Hand asked, confused. Mario was too petrified turning all this over in his head to answer, but Franziska explained for him.

"A special map designed to show the location of everyone at the Smash Mansion. I watched it night and day for a week. When he arrived, I intercepted him, watching from the darkness as he struggled to tell Mario what was happening. When Mario left, I rendered the hedgehog he'd left behind unconscious. As for my father... we no longer needed him. I summoned my greatest deathblow and used it on him."

Mario and Samus flinched. The Master Hand may have done so as well, but he continued his interrogation nonetheless. "Where is his body?"

"Hidden in the Lost Woods, wrapped in the same blanket of invisibility he always kept me in. It only seems fitting, don't you think? There he will remain, until the end of days..."

The Master Hand shook his head. The door opened and Wolf appeared in the room, large blanket slung over his shoulder. He moved to the other side of the room and cast it down to Simon. The Master Hand spoke. "Samus, we must act quickly. Stand guard over him, if you would. Wolf, I need you to get in contact with President Ryan- we must meet immediately. Mario, with me- _now _is the time to take you to Nurse Tessie."

Samus and Wolf both nodded- Wolf left the room for a third time, while Samus drew her gun and kept it pointed at Franziska, looking like the young woman was something disgusting on the bottom of her shoe. As Mario rose to follow the Master Hand, Franziska called after them- "Tabuu will come for me, _Master._ And when he does, I'll be welcomed back like a hero!"

"Perhaps so," the Master Hand retorted, "but it was my understanding that he never had much time for heroes."

And with that, the old hand beckoned Mario out of the room and away from his would-be killer, taking him to the Nurse's office as fast as he could.

_XXXX_

Hey, there, I'm back. Looking back over these last couple of chapters, I'm starting to realize just _how _dark they are. Wow. Spidershadow wasn't kidding when he said that. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should have pulled a couple of those punches... hard to say.

Well, we've only got two chapters of this story left. Hard to say how long they'll be, but suffice to say this story should be finished by next week. In the spirit of the occasion, I'd like to make an announcement that I've been beating around the bush in regards to since... many much chapters ago. Over on fictionpress, this site's sister site, I have begun writing a story. Not a full, complete story like this one, but scraps and scenes from another story, an original one that I have titled _Solaris. _(Hence why the Writing Gamers Association changed its name to Project Solaris, yes.) I've got the general idea of how that story will go, as well as several scenes from it, but tying them all together is proving a tad difficult, so I'm posting some individual scenes on my account over at fictionpress, to see how people like the ideas presented there, as well as my writing style in general. If anyone's interested, I'd love to see you guys over there- my goal is to have it show off a similar tone to these stories, so I'd hope you like it. If not... well, it won't interfere too much with this series. If anyone's interested, like I said, it's over on Fictionpress. The story's called _Solaris Scraps, _and my name over there is the same as over here. I'd love some feedback- getting into legitimate writing has been something of a dream of mine for quite a few years now.

For those of you who aren't interested in that at all, like I said, two chapters of this story left, followed by a break before we get to the next installment, which will hopefully see the return of the more oddball antics this series is more known for. Don't know why I say 'hopefully,' I'm the one writing it, after all. So, bottom line, hope to see you guys over on fictionpress, if not, see you for these last two chapters, and for the next story, when it begins. Until then, as ever, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	40. The Hawley-Smoot Tariff

Gamer4 in. Coming in to write after 100%ing Okami- my wrist still aches from those last few demon gates- anyone who's 100%ed Okami knows what I'm taking about. As far as the story goes, not sure how long these last two chapters will be- but I'm aiming to finish this story on Monday- let's see if I can succeed. Self-imposed challenge, go!

Disclaimer: You can choose to go first, you can choose to go last, just as long as you move you'll be okay! We'll still let you go, and you can bet I know! Where and how that's learnt 'til now is leading each step of the way!

Chapter XXXIV

The Hawley-Smoot Tariff

"This... this isn't the way to Nurse Tessie's, sir," Mario pointed out as he noticed the direction the Master Hand was steering. After what had just happened with 'Simon,' he would readily admit he was starting to get a little paranoid.

"We're making a quick detour first," the Master Hand explained- Mario was relieved to hear that the old hand was returning to his usual calm, gentle self. "We're going to my office. Strider is waiting there."

Mario nodded- the idea of seeing Roy was definitely very appealing- he felt he'd have PTSD about this night for a long while yet. "Master... where are Cranky and Diddy?"

"Daisy is with them," the Master Hand told him. For the first time... ever, his voice was starting to break- it threw Mario off almost more than seeing him angry. "She is the teacher who knew him best, after all..."

They approached the wall marked with that mesmerizing mural. "What's the greatest snack in the world?" asked that disembodied voice.

"Wonderballs," the Master Hand answered, and the wall slid open. Up the stairs and through the Master Hand's door, and Mario was immediately assailed by a large wolf with stunning blue eyes, rubbing around his legs and panting heavily. Finally, with a flash of light, Roy stood where the wolf had been before- he pulled Mario into a close hug.

"I was watching the trial," he said, patting Mario on the back and doing what he could to ensure the young man couldn't see the haunted look in his own face- he needn't have worried, Mario was too busy pressing his face into the chest of the only parental figure he'd ever really known. "The Master Hand invited me- he introduced me to everyone as his little-known pet wolf. I was so scared that... that something like this might..."

The Master Hand moved to the chair behind his desk, taking a seat, allowing them to have their moment. Finally, Mario moved away from his godfather and took a seat in his usual chair, while Roy continued to stand. Roy turned to the Master Hand. "What happened?"

The Master Hand allowed himself a deep sigh, and began explaining circumstances to the red-haired swordsman as well as he could. Mario let them talk- as he did, a flutter of wings sounded off, and he looked over to see Wright the Ho-oh alighting gently on his arm. "Hey- come to see the only person who understands your pyromania?" he suggested with the lightest tone of humor- his heart simply wasn't in it at the moment. Wright cocked his head as he looked into his eyes, then looked down at the deep gash in Mario's arm where Mumkhar had extracted his precious blood. Slowly, tears began to drip down the magnificent bird's beak, falling and landing on the gash, which faded to a cut, then a scratch, and finally vanished altogether. Mario smiled a little more, and set to stroking the avian gently as the Master Hand continued his narrative, filling in everything that Franziska von Karma had told them.

"Unfortunately, past that point, there is very little I can give you in the way of specific details," the Master Hand concluded. "If you truly wish to know the rest of the story, my dear Alluvia, you must turn to your godson."

Mario snapped his head up, a weight appearing in his chest- sure enough, the hand was looking his way. "Mario," he spoke, more gently than he'd ever spoken to him before, "I must know everything that happened after the trial tonight- everything after the whir-gate transported you into Tabuu's grasp."

A pained look crossed Roy's face. "Give him a moment, Master, for pity's sake- he's been through enough tonight. Let him rest- we can hear his story later."

Mario felt grateful, but the Master Hand shook his head. "I know you only wish the best for him, Roy, but that is not it." Turning to Mario again, he continued speaking. "I wish I could take the pain away from you, Mario- I wish that postponing the inevitable could truly alleviate the burden thrust upon you tonight... but I speak from experience when I say that numbing the pain temporarily will only cause more when the time to face it finally comes. You're a very brave young man- you have already done more than anyone your age should ever have had to- and this once more, I must ask too much of you. I must ask you to tell me the story."

Wright gave a soft coo, and Mario felt like that was the signal for him to begin. He summoned the absolute last of his strength, and began to talk. As he did, he felt as though he were living it all over again- from arriving in the graveyard, to DK and Mumkhar's fierce but short-lived melee, to the red-orange of Adrian Andrews's liquified form... the starmen crowding around him and Tabuu as he was forced to do battle.

Roy was clearly struggling to hold back an interjection or two, for which Mario was grateful- it was like learning to ride a bike- all he needed was the initial push and to keep the forward momentum, and the rest was easy. He felt like the story being extracted from him was comparable to a poison being extracted from a wound- this was undoubtedly the most painful thing he'd been forced to do yet, but he knew it needed to be done, and felt that once he had, he would feel better.

However, Roy couldn't help himself from letting out a loud expletive when Mario related the incident in which Mumkhar sliced open his arm.

"He said something about my blood making him stronger- something like, if he has my blood in me, the shield my Mom put up would disappear."

It was very brief, one of the slightest things he'd ever seen, but he almost imagined that the Master Hand was on the verge of pumping himself in the air in triumph- but that made no sense, right? Besides, the Hand returned to his position on the desk so quickly that Mario dismissed it as a paranoid, overactive imagination. "Very well- so Tabuu has managed to take that particular shield away. What happened next?"

From there, Mario continued, but felt like he'd hit a wall when he got to the most confusing part of the story- the moment that he and Tabuu had engaged in that beam-of-war. He explained the appearance of that string, but found he couldn't continue any longer- he had no knowledge of why what had happened had happened, and continuing on to explain the appearance of those phantoms...

"You're saying, the controllers connected somehow?" Roy asked for clarification. "I don't understand- why would they-"

"I think I might have an answer for you," the Master Hand spoke up.

Roy turned to him, and made a motion with his hands. "Well, care to share it with the rest of the class?"

The Master Hand nodded. "Mario and Tabuu's controllers- Mario's hat, and Tabuu's core, share a very particular trait- both made by Mr. Game-and-Watch, yes, but in addition, they received their power from the same source- they were given their power by a ho-oh- the same ho-oh, in fact, now perched upon Mario's knee."

Mario glanced at Wright. "You mean..."

"Yes," the Master Hand nodded. "The power in your hat and the power in Tabuu's core were both born of Wright's generosity- maybe you should thank him sometime."

"I had enough to thank him for already," Mario noted, gazing at the peaceful-looking bird out of the corner of his eye.

"Because of this, Game-and-Watch saw fit to alert me when both controllers were sold- the first to Tabuu, back when he was George Locke, and the second to Mario, over fifty years later. In essence, you controllers are twins- and like twins, if forced to do battle, they'd simply rather not. Even if their owners are avidly opposed to each other, they will seek any other alternative besides being forced to attempt to destroy the other- simply play Mother 3 for another good example.

"The worst one will ever do to the other will be to force it to show all the spells it has performed, which means..."

Mario gulped, but the Master Hand's tone clearly said he already knew. "Yeah... I saw Donkey Kong."

"You mean he... he came back to life?" Roy asked bewilderedly.

"No- there is no branch of smashing powerful enough to bring back the dead," the Master Hand shook himself. "Even Necromancy is drawing power _from _death, never finding a way to reverse it altogether. What Mario saw was a shade- a phantom. Not even a true ghost, in that sense of the word- an apparition that acted as Donkey Kong would have acted, _had _it been his ghost, but not genuinely possessing his spirit. This being Tabuu we're talking about, I strongly suspect that he wasn't alone..."

"He wasn't," Mario shook his head. "I also saw Markiplier- you were right, Tabuu killed him." His voice broke as he was forced to admit this. "Adrian Andrews- she even seemed to remember what he did to her. And... and then..." His voice broke- he couldn't say it.

"Sarah and Jake?" the Master Hand guessed. Mario nodded, and Roy turned remarkably pale.

"The last murders performed utilizing Tabuu's core," the Master Hand nodded. "Had you maintained the connection much longer, it's very possible you'd have collected an army of shades, marching around Tabuu, ready to defend you as you fled to the whir-gate... which I suppose is what happened?"

"Yeah," Mario nodded. "They were going around us- they'd praise me, then take potshots at him... they were so eager to get me out of there alive... and when I broke the connection, they swarmed him, gave the chance... the chance to get out..."

His voice broke- there wasn't much left to tell anyways.

The Master Hand nodded. "You are truly an exceptional young man, Mario- what you did tonight is more than several adults have managed in their lifetimes. I cannot begin to express my pride in you... but now, it is finally time. Come and lay your weary head to rest. Roy, I assume you want to stick with him?"

Roy nodded, and a second later, the blue-eyed beast was back, following them down the halls to Nurse Tessie's office.

Within the hall of beds and cupboards of medical supplies, they found Uli, Midna, and Link Faron, along with Zelda Hyrule, all whitened with shock. "Mario!" Uli burst out, hurrying towards him to offer a hug. "Mario..."

The Master Hand raised himself. "Just a moment, Uli. Mario has been through a great deal since you saw him last- at the moment, what he truly needs is sleep. I won't say you must leave him alone, of course, but please allow him to rest- do not question him until he is ready."

Uli nodded and returned to her chair. "And... and the wolf?"

"My faithful pet," the Master Hand explained. "He doesn't get along with Wright all that well, but he's very loyal to me. He'll be keeping Mario some company tonight as well."

Mario poured himself into the bed- his body felt more like liquid than solid matter as he slumped over on the mattress.

"I need to go speak to President Ryan," the Master Hand rose into the air. "He must be alerted about what has happened here tonight. When I have finished, I shall return- in the meantime, rest."

Turning to Nurse Tessie as she approached, the old hand spoke again. "Momentarily, Wolf should be arriving with Simon Belmont- he has been confined and undernourished for several months now. Do the best you can for him, alright?"

The look on Tessie's face said she clearly had some questions about this one, but she knew by the Hand's tone that this was one she'd have to wait for later on.

As Mario continued to allow himself to sink into the mattress, Uli began tucking in the covers. Eventually, Tessie crossed over and pushed her gently away, holding in a gloved hand a strange sphere imprinted with the image of a small pink creature wearing a nightcap. "This is a sleeping totem," she explained. "One touch and you'll fall into a deep, dreamless sleep."

"Bring it on," Mario nodded- after everything that had happened, an escape into the void of sleep was very appealing indeed. Tessie nodded with a small smile and pressed it against his forehead. The moment it made contact with his skin, his eyes began to droop, his head falling back into the pillow, and oblivion washing over him.

XXXX

I'd love to say the story ends here. I would like nothing more than to say that no further events occurred for the rest of the year, and Mario returned to the Smash Mansion next year with no further burdens placed on his already-laden back. Nothing would give me greater pleasure- except, perhaps, a copy of Donkey Kong Country Returns, Mother 3 being released on the virtual console, and a definitive, prompt release date for the fourth _Rebuild of Evangelion _film. However, as you probably knew already, it isn't.

When Mario eventually felt himself returning to consciousness, he initially rebelled, trying to sink back into his sleep. However, this didn't seem like a probable outcome, what with the whispering around him and distant raised voices. He listened to the whispers first. "What are they _doing _out there? They're gonna wake him up!"

He cracked his eyes open to see his visitors all gazing at the door with curious to indignant looks on their faces. Even Roy had his ears perked up and was tilting his canine head in curiosity.

As the voices grew louder, Mario was able to attach voices to them- Andrew Ryan, the new president, and Samus Aran. Both had separate degrees of anger in their voices- Ryan sounded more frustrated indignant, where Samus sounded absolutely _livid. _

"It's certainly not the path _I'd _have chosen, Ms. Aran, but all the same-"

"Could have fooled the _smeg _out of me!" Samus countered. "That... that _thing _should never have come within a fifty _lightyear _radius of this mansion, let alone coming into the building itself!"

Everyone stared at the door as it crashed open like a bomb had been detonated on the others side. President Ryan, that tall man in a suit with a pencil-thin moustache, stormed directly to Nurse Tessie. "The Master Hand said he would be here- where is he?"

"_Not _here," Nurse Tessie crossed her arms. "Mr. President, this is a nurse's office- where people are meant to rest and recover." As she spoke, Wolf and Olimar came in behind, the former bearing a pronounced snarl, and the latter trembling violently. "President or not, I can't have you disturbing my patients-"

"What's going on?" came a confused voice- the Master Hand had arrived. "Samus, what are you doing here? I thought I told you to guard Franziska-"

"Oh, don't worry about that!" Samus raged, her face red with fury. "Franziska von Karma won't be going _anywhere _from now on- not under her own steam, at least! Our good president made _dang _sure of _that_!"

The Master Hand turned bewilderedly to Wolf, who, while he seemed angry, was at least slightly more composed. Growling, as ever, the anthro explained- "We got in contact with President Ryan, as you ordered, sir, but he seemed to feel his personal safety was in question. Against the protests of everyone else involved,"-here, he turned his gaze onto Olimar, who shrunk into his spacesuit, "-he insisted on bringing a floow into the building with him."

"I told him that was a terrible idea!" Samus continued raging. "I told him that no floow was necessary, that they should never cross this mansion's borders-"

"Ms. Aran, if you were to calm yourself and look at it objectively, I'm sure you would see the lunacy involved in the President of Smashing approaching a deranged lunatic without any extra protection!" President Ryan objected.

Samus wasn't listening. "Sure enough, we got to the room where we were holding her, and the first thing it did was swoop down on her, and..."

She allowed her face to crunch down rather than finish that sentence, but she didn't need to- Mario could deduce what had happened- that loathsome abomination of nature had devoured Franziska von Karma's soul. Dead? No, death would be a better fate than what had happened to her. Even with his bad experience with the psychotic woman, he couldn't help but be horrified by her fate.

"Oh, don't pretend as if she was any loss," President Ryan waved aside. "Some lunatic who should have been in a mental institution? Who committed several atrocities before finally being caught?"

"It's true that she deserved to be brought to justice," the Master Hand agreed, "but with her soul gone, she now no longer possesses the capability to testify as to the purpose behind her actions."

"Purpose?" Ryan scoffed. "She was insane- that's purpose enough, I'd say! If your teachers are to be believed, she claimed to be doing it all on the orders of the Great Darkness!"

"And that's because she was," the Master Hand spoke calmly. "The deaths inflicted by Franziska von Karma were all committed in the name of returning Tabuu to his body- and I am saddened to say that they succeeded. Tabuu now walks among the living once more."

A cold wave passed over the room- Nurse Tessie, the Farons, Zelda, and Olimar all gasped and paled. The only one who didn't seem thrown off at all was Ryan. "Perhaps that's what she said in her attempt to justify her actions, Mr. Hand, but really, what more ridiculous-"

"I'm sure Wolf and Samus have both told you the testimony we received from Franziska- under the influence of truth EVE hypo, no less. The mystery that began with the disappearance of Adrian Andrews has been solved- Tabuu has been playing us for fools all year long. He now stands to regain the power he possessed before."

Olimar spoke up, stuttering like mad. "Y-y-you're sure... Master?"

President Ryan, however, shook his head. "Don't listen to him, Tate- the Great Darkness died fourteen years ago. He can't possibly be back. Even the truth expressed under the influence of hypo is only the truth to the best knowledge of the person delivering it- as far as Franziska was concerned, _yes_, she was working for the Great Darkness, but in a little place I like to call 'reality,' the Great Darkness is still pushing up daisies."

"It is not only her testimony," the Master Hand shook himself. "In addition to her words, we have an eyewitness to Tabuu's resurrection- he lays in that bed as we speak. I can pass his testimony on to you if you would kindly step up to my office, but I am afraid we must give Mario some time before you can question him for yourself- he still needs time to rest and recover."

A slight smirk crossed Ryan's face. "And you're convinced that this boy's word is trustworthy, Mr. Hand?"

Everyone jumped as they heard a low growling- turning, they saw the blue-eyed beast flattening its ears against his head, crouching down as if preparing to attack.

"Yes, I am," the Master Hand nodded- it wasn't as pronounced, but Mario was beginning to sense a trace of that power he had back in Franziska's office. "I have heard both testimonies- they match up well with each other, and fit right in with the facts of the various investigations that have been conducted since the events at the Grand Prix."

"Quite a bold claim," Ryan noted. "Claiming that the most evil smasher in history has returned, and using, as evidence, the word of a psychopath, and this boy... this boy who..."

Something clicked into place. "Read a bit of Glados's work, huh?" Mario guessed, startling everyone in the room as they realized he was awake. "Pretty reliable source, yeah, if you ignore that she gets just about everything wrong."

"What do my sources have to do with anything?" Ryan objected. "I've noticed, Mr. Hand, that there are certain facts about our young friend here you've been very keen to keep quiet- a Mi-Go _and _having odd visions all over the place-"

"He has had precisely two visions in the course of fourteen years- please do not discredit him using the falsified information provided by the _Fourside Tribune._"

"So you _admit _he may have hallucinated the whole thing?"

The power radiating from the hand increased in magnitude. "Mr. President, you must listen to me, for now is the hour that the world requires our cooperation the most- Mario is just as sane as most smashers, and significantly more so than others. The attack upon him that fateful Halloween night has not affected his brain- though his scar _does _cause him pain if Tabuu is nearby, or feeling a particularly strong burst of emotion."

"Citation needed," Ryan shook his head. "I don't think I've ever heard of a scar acting in that fashion before-"

"Well, it's kind of a unique scar, wouldn't you say?" Mario pointed out- he was beginning to like this new president less and less. "I know what I saw- I know what happened. Tabuu _is _back, and he's already got starmen coming back to him. I can give you quite a few names, if you want- Ghirahim Dragmire, for starters."

Wolf seemed to flinch, and Mario recalled what Tabuu had said about him- but never mind, he had more important things to deal with at the moment. Ryan shook his head again. "Ghirahim Dragmire was cleared- could someone who made the excellent contributions to society that he did really be tarred with such a brush?"

"Something tells me that most of those contributions were more out of his own self-interest," Mario countered. "Either way, not finished- Dahlia Hawethorne, she was there too."

"Also cleared!" Ryan objected. "Currently on the government's payroll!"

Mario began ticking them off on his fingers. "Lololo and Lalala- Redd White- Twinrova-"

"Oh, yes, very convincing, Mr. Hand," Ryan responded sarcastically. "He knows the names of several people acquitted of these crimes after the Great Darkness fell- he could have learned them anywhere! He can talk to koopas!"

"And that is entirely irrelevant!" Samus burst out. "Do you truly believe that Donkey Kong and Manfred von Karma were the random acts of a lunatic?"

"I will continue to do so until I see some contrary evidence!" Ryan shouted back.

"Then HERE!" burst out Wolf O'Donnell, snarling as he approached, rolling up his sleeve. "Look right there- the Mark of the Emissary! Every starman was branded with it, the darker it was, the more power he held! It's been growing darker all year, and only a few hours ago, at the exact moment Mario claims to have witnessed this event, it burned, signifying that all the starmen were to return to his side- he has returned, and is recruiting followers once more!"

"A very nice tattoo," Ryan shot back, "but I fail to see how it actually proves-"

"President Ryan, we stand on the cusp of a monumental moment in history," the Master Hand interrupted. "Stray too far, and our world will fall into a second darkness. However, Mario's survival has granted us the gift of time- the time to act. Here is a list of my personal recommendations- things that must be done _now _to prevent Tabuu from getting his foot in the door. First off, remove the floows from Subspace!"

"Are you _joking_?" Ryan shook his head. "I would be impeached if people thought that idea had even crossed my mind! Do you understand how many people feel comfortable in their beds purely _because _the floows are guarding Subspace?"

"The floows have very little to receive from you," the Master Hand countered, "and much more to receive from Tabuu. All he needs to do is ask them to join in return for draining hope from his enemies, and they will abandon Subspace in a heartbeat- leaving all the starmen imprisoned therein to walk free once more!"

Ryan was starting to clench and unclench his fist in barely-restrained anger- anger that burst out at the Master Hand's next request- "While you're at it, if ever there was a good time to start negotiating treaties with the ancients, this is it."

"The _ancients?!"_ Ryan objected.

"Yes, the ancients. They are not blind to what happens in the plain of mortals- they will take interest in this escalating war. Whichever side they choose to join will have a great advantage over the other- it is critical to convince them that they have more to gain from us than from Tabuu before he convinces them otherwise! I hate to say it, but ancients have hardly been treated very fairly by the world of mortals-"

"And for good flipping reason!" Ryan broke out. "People despise the ancients because they walk all over us with no more care for us than we have for _ants! _Do you really think such an oppressive group can, themselves, be oppressed? Again, even suggesting such a thing would lead to my impeachment-"

"There are more important things upon us, Ryan, than the presidency of our country!" the Master Hand's voice began to rise. "You are placing too much on what a person is born, rather than what they grow up to do! Franziska von Karma, a woman born to a fine family, and look what she made of her life! And several ancients in the past have co-existed peacefully with humans, as long as prejudice was not allowed to intercede!"

"Stop," Ryan raised a hand. "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You've all lost your minds."

"If you are this determined to blind yourself to the truth, Mr. Ryan, then I implore you to act as you see fit. Know only this- as you do, I, too, will be acting as I feel I must to prevent as much tragedy as possible."

It wasn't a threat- implied or otherwise- but Ryan looked angrier than ever. "Mr. Hand, I am afraid Mr. Tate granted you a little too much leniency during his term as president. You have grown used to being this country's backseat driver, as Olimar always quietly acceded to your demands, arguing very little, if he argued at all. I, however, am different- I intend to clean up our country, and I will not allow you or anyone else to work against me-"

"I have no intention of working against the government," the Master Hand shook his head. "Only against Tabuu. As long as your arm remains clear of the Mark of the Emissary, then no matter how differently you feel, I will consider us to be on the same side."

"I've had enough," Ryan shook his head. "I don't know what your game is, Hand, but I will not tolerate it. I'll be in touch at a later time- we'll have a thing or two to discuss in regards to how this school is being run."

Shortly, he turned to Mario, drew a bag out of his pocket, and dropped it in his lap. "Your winnings- a thousand gold coins. You can check, if you want. There was supposed to be a ceremony, but given the circumstances... come on, Olimar."

He stalked out into the hall. Olimar shook as he turned to look at the Master Hand. "Master... what can we do?"

"Do not worry, Olimar," the Master Hand shook himself again. "Continue to deal with Ryan- leave Tabuu to me."

Olimar nodded nervously, then headed out after his successor.

The Master Hand turned to the rest of the room. "I was afraid of this... I dreaded that Ryan would take this attitude, and now that he has, it increases our workload by quite a bit. Can I trust you all?"

Nods all around. "Rusl never liked Ryan to begin with," Uli noted. "He's been lobbying to shut down Rusl's department for years."

"Good," the Master Hand nodded. "We'll need to get in contact with as many smashers as possible- anyone who will listen must be told. Gordon, Rusl, Li... the old crowd."

"Leave Dad to me, Mom," Midna said immediately, leaping to her feet. "Keep it covert, right?"

"Indeed- we don't want Ryan thinking I am forming a conspiracy against him," the Master Hand agreed.

"Stealth mode," Midna offered that mischievous smirk one last time before sprinting out the door.

"Samus," the Master Hand continued, "I need to speak with Crazy. If she agrees, I'd also like to speak to Okami Amaterasu."

"On it," Samus nodded, following Midna out the door.

"Tessie- go to Simon's office, would you kindly? If Simon has not awoken yet, wake him up and begin taking care of him, won't you?"

"Of course," Tessie nodded. And then, she, too, was gone.

"Okay... I wanted to lessen the blow that is sure to come from this, but it is time for you to come out of hiding... Roy."

The blue-eyed beast cocked its head in an '_are you sure?' _kind of way. Seeing that he was, he quickly morphed back into Roy.

Uli screamed- "Roy- Roy Alluvia!"

"Mom, calm down, it's alright!" Link raised his voice.

That truly ugly, animal look came to Wolf's face once more. "_You! _What are _you _doing here?!"

Not giving Roy the chance to retort, the Master Hand spoke up. "You are both here at my invitation- because I trust you both where many wouldn't. I need you both on my side- you are on my side, are you not?"

"Of course," the wolf and the swordsman agreed immediately, only to shoot a glare at each other. "Stop copying me! You did it first! Did not!"

"Enough!" the Master Hand raised his voice again. "If you are both on my side, you are on each others' sides as well. I realize that becoming a true nakama at this point may be a bit much to ask, so, for the moment, I will settle for you not attempting to kill each other. Shake hands, if you would."

The two glared at each other, gripped each others' hands as if they were lifting up something repulsive, bobbed up and down very slightly once or twice, and quickly pulled back. The Master Hand sighed. "Good enough. Roy, on the subject of the old crowd, I need you to start getting in contact with others- Fox, Leroy, and Kamek will do for a start. First to Fox's- I'll meet with you there with another job."

"But-" Mario started to raise his voice in objection, but Roy turned to him with a smile.

"We never seem to be able to hold on to each other, do we?" he noted sadly. "Tell you what- we'll be together again soon, alright? When all this is over, I'll follow through on that promise of mine, 'kay?"

"Okay..." Mario nodded slowly.

Roy reached out and hugged him tight. "That's my godson," he whispered. "Jake would be proud..."

With that, the blue-eyed beast was back and bounding out the door.

The Master Hand turned to Wolf. "I assume you already know what I must ask of you?"

Wolf licked his lips, almost as if in nervousness, but nodded nonetheless. "I'll be back soon... I hope." And he, too, was gone.

The Master Hand sighed. "This will be quite an ordeal... but first, I must go to the Kongs, downstairs... Mario, back to sleep. I will see you all later."

Mario obediently crashed back into his bed as the Master Hand left. Uli slowly put on her gloves. "Well, you heard him," she said as she lifted the sleep totem off of the bedside cabinet. "Take a nice, long sleep, then try to keep your mind off of all this. You're a thousand gold coins up- what are you going to do with it?"

"Nothing," Mario promptly responded. "It's not mine... I didn't earn it." As he recalled the one he believed truly _did _deserve that money, tears began to form at the corner of his eyes again.

"Really sensitive, Mom," Link shook his head. "Look, Mario... it wasn't your fault. I know you're gonna blame yourself anyways- you idiot- but it's really not your fault."

"It is," Mario nodded hopelessly. "He offered to let me take the trophy alone- I was the one who pestered him into taking it with me."

"And you knew what would happen when you did, huh?" Link objected, hands going to his hips. "You _knew _that it would take you to the Great Darkness, and he'd kill DK because he didn't-"

SLAM!

Everyone jumped and turned to see Zelda with her hands, probably still stinging, on the windowsill. She blushed. "Er... fly! Yeah... just catching a bothersome fly. Continue!"

"Look... go to sleep, and to the best of your ability, try not to blame yourself," Link continued. Uli nodded as she pressed the sleep totem to his forehead once more, allowing him to fall back into sweet, sweet oblivion.

_XXXX_

Wow, it might actually happen! As far as the break between this story and the next goes, hard telling- it could be anywhere from a few days to a few months, depending on various factors. Anyways, enough tension-breaking. Please R&amp;R, (and check out Solaris, if you want!), constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.


	41. Mario Begins

Gamer4 in. Hope you guys had a happy Easter- I know I did! Kind of surreal, coming up on the end of this story- anything I have to say, I'll say in the endnotes. Alright, let's get going- Mario Mario and the Bottle of Lightning... final chapter.

Disclaimer: Raise one hand to the sky, raise them both, lift them high, and through the darkness we will stand! The time to start is now, and I can show you how! Come with me and the world will be even bigger than ever before!

Chapter XXXV

Mario Begins

In the years that followed, the next few days were days that Mario never really felt up to remembering. There were flashes, sure, but this was, without a doubt, the worst ending to one of his stories yet, not giving him much incentive to attempt to push past the mental barrier he seemed to have constructed. It was a haze of despair, but probably the worst part of all was when he'd had to confront Cranky and Diddy. He'd expected them to be furious with him, particularly Cranky, but this didn't seem to be the case at all.

"There's nothing you could have done, Mario," Diddy shook his head forlornly, his hat pulled down over his eyes. "The way we hear it, you already did everything you could."

"He'll always have a place in my hall of fame," Cranky sounded more somber than ever Mario had heard him, as he held the ape's tie in his hand. "I never said it to you, boy, but you were always a cut above the rest... and so are you, pyro. You've got a flaming spirit in you, son... never lose it."

Mario was on the verge of choking as he produced the sack of gold he'd won from the Games. "Here- take this. DK should have been the one to take it."

"No, boy, no," Cranky shook his head and waved a hand. "I've already got more gold than I know what to do with- you'd be doing this old man a disservice if you gave it to me. I'm sure that idiot grandson of mine would want _you _to have it- the only rival that could ever be worthy of him."

XXXX

Mario was lonely up in the dorm throughout the rest of that day- not that he was complaining. He needed some time alone- time to think about what had happened. The residents of the mansion were buzzing with various theories about what, exactly, had occurred in the labyrinth, and while Mario was grateful to the Master Hand and his comrades for doing what they could to keep people from trying to interrogate him, he still felt that being alone was the best option at this juncture. Gnawing at the back of his mind was a lingering worry- Glados, frankly, couldn't have picked a worse time to publish an article about how insane he was- how many would prefer to believe that over the truth- that the entire world was now in incalculable danger?

"Mom went home," came a voice from the door- Mario looked up to see Link entering. "Had a debate with the Master Hand first, though."

"About what?" Mario asked, raising his eyebrows- he'd never have envisioned such a scene.

"It didn't get too heated," Link clarified. "She wanted him to give you the all-clear to come right to Ordon Cottage from the Smash Bros. this summer- I was on board, of course, but he seems to want you to go to the Smiths' first, spend some time there."

"Did he say why?" Mario asked forlornly- the idea of returning to the Smiths' had rarely been less appealing.

"No- I'm sure he has his reasons- some weird, obscure reasons that would only make sense to him, but reasons anyways," Link muttered- he clearly wasn't all that happy with the idea either.

Several others tried to approach Mario over those days, but he couldn't stomach the idea of talking to them- not Lucina and her crew, not the other former contestants, not anyone from the other schools, not even the Faron twins- the only three Mario felt capable of really communicating with were Link, Zelda, and Crazy.

"Mez be glad you be on da down here, Marioz," Crazy greeted him one day, pulling him into a very handy hug. On the inside, he prepared bucket-sized glasses of Mountain Dew. "You be here in da Nick o- time! Ammy just be goin' back to da sub!"

"Ammy?" Link asked.

"Am... Am... Amaterasu!" Crazy finally enunciated. "Dat be hard ta say, so mez just be callin' her Ammy."

"So you've made up, huh?" Zelda asked slyly.

"Ah, me no knows what you be talkin' bout," Crazy waved aside. "We be tick as teeves all year!"

Crazy turned to Mario. "So... you be doin' good, Marioz?"

"Pretty well," Mario nodded.

"Mez gotta call bull on dat one," Crazy objected. "Dere no _way _you all good afta what be goin' on. But youz no worry- everyting gonna be 'kay faraday in da end. Da truth ish... me knows he be comin' back."

"What do you mean?" Mario's eyebrows flew up.

"Me no be lyin'!" Crazy nodded. "Me call it tree yeas ago! Youz rememba- 'Some say he deads. Bubkiss, in mies opinion. I no tink he had enough humanity in him teh die.'"

"Yeah, I remember you saying something like that," Mario nodded. "I just didn't realize _you'd _remember."

"Mez be crazy, not 'tupid," Crazy pointed out. "'Sides, stupid is stupid does, brudda be sayin'. Brudda great guy- he knowz what we gotta do stop Grate Darkness get back ta powa- long we got brudda, every little ting gonna be alright."

Mario, however, was still depressed. "I wish my name had never come out of that bottle- I wish none of this had happened."

He felt a large weight on his shoulder, and realized Crazy was placing himself there. "Dat what anyone go true tings like dis be tinkin'. But we no change past- all we choose is what we do wit what life trow at us. Listen heres- life give lemons, you no gotta make lemonade- make life takem back! Throw dem right back- make life regret da day it be givin' ya lemons- getcha a combustible lemon n' trow it right in life's face!"

"That sounds like my philosophy, alright," Mario gave a weak smile. "So... the Word on the Wind says the Master Hand's giving you and Ammy an important job over the summer- care to spill the beans?"

"Course not!" Crazy shook himself. "Tip top secrets! Mez rememba what happen last time mies be given' way info brudda tell mez keep secret!"

"But it has something to do with Tabuu, right?"

Crazy flinched, then spoke in an unnecessarily loud voice, "Hey, buddies, dere still one Ultimate Chimaery left- wanna go visit?"

XXXX

As mentioned before, never before had Mario been so reluctant to return to the Smiths- packing up his stuff, knowing that when he unpacked, it would be in Peach Creek- almost drove him to hysterics much more effectively than any of the trials had. The last feast of the year was bound to be a nightmare- usually a time for celebration, for awarding the Smash Bros. Trophy to whichever group had earned the most points- but he could only imagine what would happen that afternoon.

Mario braced himself as he, Link, and Zelda entered the Dining Hall- to find it decked out entirely in black. Where the symbol of the winning group would normally be featured was a crest consisting of a large circle with two large, stylized letters within- DK. It didn't take a genius to tell what this was for.

Simon was at the staff table, looking weaker than Mario had ever seen him- though he had to slap himself, reminding himself that he never _had _seen the real Simon Belmont before. He wasn't surprised to see that he was _extremely_ twitchy, jumping if anyone nearby so much as asked for the salt- Mario couldn't blame him. After the year he'd had, he doubted if Simon Belmont would ever be able to trust anyone ever again.

There was a haunted look in Wolf's eyes as well- Mario deduced that whatever the Master Hand's job for the anthro had been, it wasn't a pleasant one. The Master Chief was absent altogether- Mario wasn't sure he'd ever lay eyes on him again, and was even less certain whether he even cared. Ammy was still there, however, taking a new seat next to Crazy, rather than Master.

Speaking of the Master Hand, he was rising up. "Today," he spoke over the dead silence of the Hall, "we acknowledge a truly terrible loss. I have a great deal to say to you, but it must, of course, begin with this acknowledgment." He lifted his glass into the air. "To Donkey Kong."

Around the Hall, just about every student, from every school and group, stood as well, raising their glasses- Mario eyed Lucina, her crew, Kratos, Maya Fey and Lucas Ikari from Hal, Shulk and Fiora from Retro... "To Donkey Kong!"

Finally, his eyes found Pauline- nobody in the Hall looked even remotely happy, but she seemed the worst off- her eyes were red as though she' d been crying non-stop since that final trial.

The Master Hand continued. "If one ever needed to describe the virtues of being in Hal, they need use no words- simply quietly point to Donkey Kong. A good smasher, a hard worker, one who valued fair play, and who would defend his friends no matter the cost. No matter how distantly you may have known him, his death has affected you all- and so, I believe you have the right to know the truth behind it. Donkey Kong was murdered... by Tabuu."

Once again, Mario felt that all-too-familiar wave of panic ripple through the crowd. "The government," the Master Hand continued his speech, "would rather I tell you otherwise- that his death was down to an accident within the labyrinth. However, I could never speak such a falsehood- to make it sound as though Donkey Kong's death was down to his own stupidity is an insult to him- to who he was, to the memory of him, his friends, and his deeds. Donkey Kong did not die by stumbling over his own shoelaces- he died the way he lived, protecting one he had come to consider a friend- Mario Mario."

Mario turned red- he'd been wondering if his name would come up. "That Mario Mario sits here with us today is down to the lengths Donkey Kong went to to protect him in his time of need. He returned the favor by risking life and limb to return Donkey Kong's body to his family- in the way that Donkey Kong embodies everything it means to be Hal, Mario Mario embodies everything that makes a good Nintendo.

"In this time, I am reminded of the purpose for the Console Games in the first place- to bring us all together and form bonds between us- bonds unbreakable even by the toughest steel. Considering Tabuu once more walks among us, these bonds will be more important in the coming months than ever before. Difficult and dangerous times are ahead, make no mistake. We must remember now that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts- never has it been more apparent to me. True, we all come from different places, in many different forms, speaking different tongues, but in the end, our hearts beat as one.

"One of these days, you may find yourself forced to make a choice- a choice between what is right, and what is easy. If, one day, you find yourself in that situation, remember Donkey Kong, the ape who was kind, brave, honest, and true... right until the very end."

XXXX

And so it came to be that the school year finally came to a close. Mario was all ready to leave the mansion, along with Link and Zelda. It was a beautiful summer's day as they headed down the steps and began making tracks towards Kurain... and the Great Fox.

As they made their way, they heard a call- "Hey, slick, you didn't think you were getting out of here without a goodbye, did you?"

Snake and Otacon stood before them, Snake taking the lead, Otacon lingering nervously in the background, as ever. "We're just about to shove off in the good ol' _Elsa_," Snake noted. "But this was my last year- graduating this summer, then we'll see if I might get a job over here in _your _country- be sure to say 'hi' if you ever see me, okay?"

"O... okay," Zelda mumbled under her breath, trying to avert her eyes from Snake's glorious washboard abs.

Snake's smile disappeared. "Look, Mario... sorry about what happened with the Kong- really, I am. I know that pain- the pain of losing someone close to you. He was a good guy- I'll always remember how he treated the rest of us- not a single difference, even though we were from a different school."

"Thanks," Mario nodded forlornly.

"I'd say my piece for him, but I think Snake just said it all," put in a voice from behind them- they turned to see Sonic approaching. "Thought I'd stop by and say goodbye, too. Hey, Snake, hope there are no hard feelings about the... well, you know..."

"Oh, of course not," Snake shook his head. "I know the situation- it wasn't your own will." Nevertheless, he seemed a little more urgent than usual when he turned to Otacon and said, "Well, we should get back to the _Elsa- _she's about to push off."

As they left, Mario snapped his fingers. "Hey, Sonic, that reminds me- how are you and your school gonna fly the halo back home? Without the Master Chief, I mean?"

"Oh, don't worry about us," Sonic smirked. "The Chief didn't actually do any piloting himself- he just kinda gave the orders we could have easily figured out on our own."

"What's gonna happen to Mycrowsoft without him?" Mario asked.

"Well, our school didn't hinge on him _nearly _as much as this place seems to hinge on the old Hand- we'll do just fine. We always have."

"Sonic," Zelda spoke up quietly. "I..."

"Ah, you don't have to say it," Sonic shook his head. "I think we both knew from the beginning it wouldn't work out- the whole thing was too similar to... you know, that one game. I'll carry on- though feel free to stay in touch, alright?"

"Will do," Zelda smiled weakly.

The teapot whistle sounded, and Mario looked around in surprise- but Link didn't look angry, more like he was struggling to hold something back- which he failed in. "Can I get your autograph?!" he burst out.

Sonic blinked, but gave that trademark grin of his as he took a pen from Zelda and inscribed his name on the inside of Link's floppy green hat.

The sun continued to shine overhead as the Great Fox lifted off. Mario couldn't help but notice that Zelda seemed to be in a particularly good mood about something- when the snack cart came around, Zelda footed the bill for their usual end-of-the-schoolyear snack feast. Mario was about to ask her when she produced that morning's issue of the _Fourside Tribune _and began flicking through it. Resigning himself to the worst, he asked, "Alright, what's the robot got to say today?"

"Oh, nothing at all," Zelda smiled. "Funnily enough, she hasn't printed anything since hte day of the trial. In fact," that smirk was creeping out her companions more and more by the second... "I don't think she'll be writing anything for a good, long while!"

Mario blinked- his usually composed friend was on the verge of laughing maniacally. Link asked for him, though- "Okay, Zelda, spill it- what are you talking about?"

"I've got her number!" Zelda's smirk widened. "I've figured her all out, and if she tries to pull any of her usual bull ever again, she's gonna find herself in a nice cell in Subspace!"

"I can tell you've been wanting to tell us all this for a while," Mario noted.

"Oh, yeah," Zelda nodded. "Didn't think it was right to do it earlier- you know... but now, it's about time it all came out!"

"More brilliant word choice," Mario noted. "So, what's your conclusion?"

"I got the idea back when you called the Dark Trio Bud, Dud, and Spud," Zelda recalled. Smiling at the raised eyebrows of her male companions, she elaborated. "Spud- you know, potatoes! Thinking about them made me realize... every time we were finding out about something Glados was finding out about too, there was a potato nearby! By that fountain where Crazy confessed to Ammy, in my towel when Sonic was asking me to Mobius, when Mario passed out in Lucario's class-" She smiled at their gasps- she was right.

"But... but what does that mean?" Mario asked, bewildered beyond all description.

"Well, not all sliders turn into animals," Zelda explained. "It's rare, but some can turn into other forms... like, for instance..." She produced a small jar with water and a couple holes, "a potato!"

"You're smegging me!" Mario exclaimed. "That's not- that can't be-"

"But it is," Zelda smirked. "Just look!"

She turned the jar a bit to allow the potato to roll around, revealing a mechanical eye of sorts pressed in to one side- currently red in abject fury. "How... how long has she been in there?"

"Oh, ever since I caught her while you were with Nurse Tessie."

"That was a _week _ago!" Mario gasped.

"Oh, don't worry, she'll survive as a potato does- as far as the confinement- small price to pay for everything she's been doing, wouldn't you say?"

Mario and Link gaped- Zelda could be downright _scary _when she wanted.

"I'll let her out after I get home from Seatac," Zelda explained, leaning back with that smirk still on her face. "I've given her specific instructions- she's going to take a one-year sabbatical. One article in that time, particularly of the defaming variety, and I go straight to the government with this- she never went through the proper procedure to do this, _and _she's been misusing it- that's worth a few years of prison time, at _least._ After that, if she can stick to a year of writing without her usual BS, we can go our separate ways- though, of course, one hint of trouble, and the government gets to know her dirty little secret!"

"Well, well, well, homy," came a derisive voice from the hall. "I guess wollywogs _can _solve a mystery or two! Not that it matters, what with the Great Darkness back and all."

The Golden Trio closed their eyes, then slowly turned to see the Dark Trio in the doorway. "So, the status quo is back to normal- for now," Bowser was smirking. "Big, fat, Din-loving deal- like it'll matter once he takes over."

Mario slowly slipped on his hat, and could see Link reaching for his sword as Zelda slipped on her gloves. Bowser, too busy gloating, didn't notice. "He'll come for you, first, dogs! Well, I _say _first, but, of course, that was really Donk-"

SLAM, SLAM, _BAM!_

Fire flew, wind tore, swords struck, and stars were spit. When the dust settled, Mario blinked to see the Dark Trio laying, battered, burned, and broken on the floor. On the other side were the twin puffballs, chests still heaving, unusual looks of animosity on their faces.

"We were just stopping by to pay a visit when we heard these winnicotts," Kirby explained. "Didn't care much for what we were hearing when we did..."

"I just swallowed up Wario and spit him out," Meta noted, a slight look of disgust in his eyes. "What did you do, Kirb?"

"Stole Ganon's power and smashed his own face in with it," Kirby recalled- looking, they could see he had adopted Ganondorf's wild red hair and inverted unibrow. He crouched down and a star flew out of the top of his head, returning him to normal.

"Well, there's an empty compartment next to us- what say we load them in there?" Meta suggested. "Don't want to tarnish our trip back home _too _much..."

From there on out, it was a relatively peaceful flight- Zelda returned Glados to her bag, not feeling the need to explain the whole thing again to the twins, who were more interested in the game of extreme poker they'd started with Mario and Link in any case.

Mario looked out the window at one point, still burning with curiosity- even if they refused him, the worst they could say was _no..._

Turning, he asked, "So, you ever gonna tell us who it was you were blackmailing?"

"Oh, don't even worry about it," Meta shook his head. "It doesn't even matter anymore- we threw in the towel on that one a _while _back."

But, emboldened by Mario's questioning, Link and Zelda joined in, pestering them until they finally surrendered.

"Okay, okay, fine, you win!" Kirby raised his hands in surrender. "It was Ballyhoo."

"Ballyhoo?" Mario raised a lone eyebrow. "You're not saying he was-"

"No, no, it had nothing to do with that gongshow," Meta denied. "Believe us- that guy doesn't have enough brains to read a Dr. Seuss book, let alone get caught up in all _that _smeg."

"Then what-"

"For you to know," Kirby put on a mystical voice, "we must take you back through time, to the moment that we met up with him at the Grand Prix..."

"Two puffballs made a bet with the big mouth that Germany would win, despite Mobius's seeker getting the smash ball," Meta continued with that odd, mystical voice.

"The big mouth wrote these puffballs a check, but when they went to cash it, it bounced back in their faces..." Kirby concluded.

"Maybe it was a mistake!" Zelda put in fairly. "I'm sure he didn't mean to-"

"Such is what these puffballs first thought," Meta agreed. "They tried to contact the big mouth, and get a better check this time around, only for him to ignore their very existence... every time these puffballs made an effort to approach him or write him, he always had some excuse up his sleeve..."

"Until one day, the smile vanished from Big Mouth's face, and he said that the bet was null and void, because the puffballs had been underage at the time when the bet was placed..."

"The puffballs demanded that, in that case, their money be returned..."

"But Big Mouth said that he was doing the puffballs a favor by teaching them not to get caught up in such shady business, and to make the lesson stick, he wouldn't return a single coin," Meta concluded.

The teapot whistle began once more- this time, it really was anger building up in Link. "But... but that was all the money you had!"

"Your telling us," Kirby nodded. "But, as it turns out, Ballyhoo's got his comeuppance anyways- the reason he couldn't ever pay us back? He's got himself caught up in this big web of gambling debts- owes a few hundred gold coins more than he can pay."

"He had to borrow a bunch of money from the goombas to pay it all off, but now he can't pay _them _back, either," Meta agreed.

"And, of course, goombas aren't nearly as nice about this kind of stuff as we are- they've been tailing him all year, too, until he finally tried to get off the hook with them by..." Kirby almost broke down laughing. "I don't know if I can even say it with a straight face..."

"Why? What did he do?" Mario asked, intrigued.

"He... he placed a bet on _you _to win!" The twin puffballs broke down entirely. "Said if you won the Games, they had to call the whole thing off- but they're not much nicer than he is when it comes to this stuff- they said you tied with DK, when he was betting on you to win alone."

"So _that's _why he was so intent on helping me this year," Mario rubbed his eyes. "Well, that's _that _mystery solved."

Further conversation was interrupted by a voice speaking overhead- "Now arriving in Seatac Airport- please prepare yourselves for landing."

XXXX

When they finally felt the bump that meant they were free to leave, Mario spoke up. "Link, Zelda... go on ahead. The pyro has some business with the puffballs."

Everyone else raised their eyebrows, but Link and Zelda shrugged, grabbed their carry-on, and headed out.

"What is it, Mario?" the twins asked as one. Mario reached into his pocket and produced that accursed bag of gold coins.

"Take it," he said, brandishing it at them. "I didn't really earn it- I only got to the end of the labyrinth because of DK."

"Mario-" Kirby gasped. "This... this is..."

"Ten thousand gold coins, I know," Mario nodded. "Take it and open up that joke shop you're always talking about- it doesn't take Zelda to connect the dots and realize _that's _what you wanted the money from Ballyhoo for."

"But... Mario, we can't just _take_-" Meta started, but Mario cut him off.

"Yes, yes you flipping _can_\- I don't need this money, and I don't particularly want it, either. If you can't take it as a gift, consider it an investment instead- I'm not giving it to you, I'm buying something with my money- to me, this is just a bunch of metal, but what I could _really _use is a few good joke items- try to get this story back on course with humor. There's some seriously dark stuff ahead, and I think I speak for Gamer4 and everyone else when I say we'll be relying heavily on you to lighten the mood. So take it."

"Mario-"

"Take it, or I'll immolate both of you!" Mario raised a handful of fire. "If all that still isn't enough, then do me a favor- take some of it down to Toadette's and get Link a decent set of fancy clothes- I don't think he can stand another year with that Rimmer outfit."

Finally, the twins swallowed, reached out and took the gold.

Back out on the platform, Mario rejoined Link and Zelda.

"What was all that about?" Link asked promptly.

"Nothing, just discussing this series's future," Mario shrugged.

Zelda nodded. "Yeah... I remember the past few years, we thought this would just be a light-hearted story with some laughs and a few light-hearted jabs at the source material, but with this... everything's going to change now, isn't it?"

"I'd say that's a distinct possibility," Mario nodded as they headed towards the gate back to the muggle world. "I guess we'll just take Crazy's advice- throw ourselves into the future and deal with what comes as it does."

_XXXX_

Once more, it feels so surreal to finally come up on the end of this story- I'm guessing many of you already realize why I was so eager to wrap it up on this particular day, but if not, let me point it out- it is now exactly one year to the day since we set out on this journey together. A more fitting wrap-up date I couldn't think of, especially considering that this chapter marks the end, not only of this story, but of the series at-

Yeah, no one's buying it this time, are they? Alright, I'll wrap up the end-notes, get the credits rolling, and, just as a bonus, give you guys a little flash-forward to the next story. As far as that story goes, I don't know exactly when we'll get started on that one- whether it'll be a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months- hard to say. It depends on various factors, but I would say you can at least expect it by the end of June- so, yeah, sometime between the end of this week and the end of June. Big window of time, I know, but I definitely hope to see you guys there- I looked forward to this story a lot, enjoyed writing it even more than I thought I would, and regret nothing now that it's reached its conclusion, but I'm actually looking forward to the next story even more. Why? Well, I'll explain then- give another reason for people to come back, if they weren't planning on it already. Okay, enough end-notes- let's get to the credits and a quick preview. Until next time, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much... Gamer4 out.

PS: In the credits, you'll see a few characters credited as CF- that stands for Canon Foreigner. Essentially, I didn't make the character- they _are _from a video game- but they aren't playing any actual role from the original story, kind of starring here as... themselves. Like Lucina, and, of course, the Slender Man.

End Credits

(In order of Appearance)

Markiplier (Markiplier) as Frank Bryce

George Locke II (Earthbound 0) as Tom Riddle Sr.

Maria Locke (Earthbound 0) as Mary Riddle

George Locke I (Earthbound 0) as Thoms Riddle

George Locke III (Kinda-sorta Earthbound 0) as Tom Riddle Jr.

Mumkhar (Xenoblade) as Peter Pettigrew/Wormtail

Tabuu (Super Smash Bros. Brawl) as Voldemort

Dry Bones (Super Mario Bros. 3) as Nagini

Adrian Andrews (Ace Attorney) as Bertha Jorkins

Mario (Super Mario Bros.) as Harry Potter

Link (Legend of Zelda) as Ron Weasley

Rob (NES peripheral, Mario Kart DS, Super Smash Bros.) as Percy Weasley

Kate Smith (OC) as Petunia Dursley

John Smith (OC) as Vernon Dursley

Bill Smith (OC) as Dudley Dursley

Riki (Xenoblade) as Pigwidgeon

Parakarry (Paper Mario) as Hedwig

Bootler (Paper Mario) as Errol

Flurrie (Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door) as Hermes

Meta Knight (Kirby) as George Weasley

Kirby (Kirby) as Fred Weasley

Rusl Faron (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Arthur Weasley

Linebeck (Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass) as Charlie Weasley

Midna (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Bill Weasley

Uli Faron (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Molly Weasley

Peach (Super Mario Bros.) as Ginny Weasley

Zelda (Legend of Zelda) as Hermione Granger

Simba (named for one of my cats) as Crookshanks

Meowth (Pokemon) as Crookshanks

Cranky Kong (Donkey Kong Country) as Amos Diggory

Donkey Kong (Donkey Kong, Country, Mario Sports games) as Cedric Diggory

Gaignun Kukai (Xenosaga) as Basil

Gaignun Kukai Jr. (Xenosaga) as Basil's partner

Kyon (The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya) as Mr. Roberts

Otacon (Metal Gear Solid) as Gabrielle Delacour

Solid Snake (Metal Gear) as Fleur Delacour

Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong Country) as Seamus Finnigan

Ness (EarthBound) as Dean Thomas

Captain Falcon (F-Zero) as Oliver Wood

Lucas (Mother 3) as Ernie Macmillan

Duster (Mother 3) as Justin Finch-Fletchley

Kumatora (Mother 3) as Angelina Johnson

Turner Grey (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations) as Bode

M. C. Ballyhoo (Mario Party 8) as Ludo Bagman

Manfred von Karma (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney) as Barty Crouch Sr.

President Shacho (Pikmin 2) as CF

Pikmin 2 Ship (Pikmin 4) as CF

Birdo (Super Mario Bros. 2) as Winky

Olimar (Pikmin) as Cornelius Fudge (cool version)

Dickson (Xenoblade) as Bulgarian Minister

Viridi (Kid Icarus: Uprising) as Narcissa Malfoy

Bowser (Super Mario Bros.) as Draco Malfoy

Ghirahim (Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword) as Lucius Malfoy

Main party from Xenogears (Xenogears) as Irish Quidditch team

Various Sonic the Hedgehog characters (Sonic the Hedgehog) as Bulgarian Quidditch team

Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic the Hedgehog) as Victor Krum

Slender Man (Slender Man mythos) as CF

Glados (Portal) as Rita Skeeter

Roy (Fire Emblem: Binding Blade) as Sirius Black

Luigi (Super Mario Bros.) as Neville Longbottom

Ganondorf (Legend of Zelda) as Vincent Crabbe

Wario (Wario Ware, Wario Land) as Gregory Goyle

Crazy Hand (Super Smash Bros.) as Rubeus Hagrid

Boo (Super Mario Bros.) as Peeves the Poltergeist

Samus Aran (Metroid) as Minerva McGonagall

Pikachu (Pokemon) as Filius Flitwick

Hero's Shade (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Bloody Baron

Rauru (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) as Fat Friar

Pit (Kid Icarus) as Sir Nicholas De-Mimsy Porpington (Nearly Headless Nick)

Pichu (Pokemon Gold/Silver) as Colin Creevey

Plusle (Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald) as Dennis Creevey

Pauline (Donkey Kong, Mario vs. Donkey Kong) as Cho Chang

Master Hand (Super Smash Bros.) as Albus Dumbledore

F.L.U.D.D. (Super Mario Sunshine) as Sorting Hat

Simon Belmont (Castlevania) as Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody

Rosalina (Super Mario Galaxy) as Fat Lady

Teddy (Earthbound Beginnings) as Lee Jordan

Proton Jon (Proton Jon) as Salazar Slytherin

Lucina (Fire Emblem: Awakening) as CF

Robin (Fire Emblem: Awakening) as CF

Daisy (Super Mario Land, Mario sports games) as Pomona Sprout

Ilia (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Lavender Brown

Ultimate Chimaeras (Mother 3) as Blast-ended Skrewts

Lucario (Pokemon Diamond/Pearl) as Sybill Trelawney

Wolf O'Donnell (Star Fox) as Severus Snape

Captain Matthews (Xenosaga) as CF

Okami Amaterasu (Okami) as Olympe Maxime

Shion Uzuki (Xenosaga) as CF

KOSMOS KP-X (Xenosaga) as CF

Kratos (God of War) as CF

Yuna (Final Fantasy X) as CF

Maya Fey (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney) as Susan Bones

Waluigi (Mario sports games) as CF

Master Chief (Halo) as Igor Karkaroff

Shulk (Xenoblade) as CF

Captain Price (Call of Duty) as CF

Steve (Minecraft) as Poliokov

Mido (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) as Argus Filch

James Sunderland (Silent Hill 2) as CF

Dovahkiin (Elder Scrolls: Skyrim) as CF

Teddy (Earthbound Beginnings) as Lee Jordan

Vaati (Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap) as Marcus Flint

Paula Polestar (Earthbound) as Katie Bell

Ana (Earthbound Beginnings) as Alicia Spinnet

Reyn (Xenoblade) as CF

Ron Delite (Ace Attorney- Trials and Tribulations) as CF

Peasley (Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga) as CF

Mr. Game-and-Watch (Game-and-Watch series) as Mr. Ollivander

Sharla (Xenoblade) as Madam Rosmerta

Metal Gear (Metal Gear) as Swedish Short-Snout

Eggbot (Sonic the Hedgehog) as Welsh Green

King K. Rool (Donkey Kong Country) as Chinese Fireball

Ridley (Metroid) as Hungarian Horntail

Yoshi (Super Mario World) as Dobby

Erde Kaiser (Xenosaga) as CF

Red and Blue (Pokemon Red and Blue) as Magical Menagerie proprietors

Kay Faraday (Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney) as CF

Happy Mask Salesman (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask) as Mr. Borgin

Chell (Portal) as CF

Juju (Xenoblade) as CF

Cody Hackins (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney) as CF

Aura Blackquill (Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies) as CF

Saria (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) as Parvati Patil

Ilia (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Lavender Brown

Professor Layton (Professor Layton) as Charity Burbage

Fiora (Xenoblade) as Roger Davies

Melia Antiqua (Xenoblade) as CF...?

Xel'lotath (Eternal Darkness) as Fridwulfa

Kjelle (Fire Emblem: Awakening) as Professor Grubbly-Plank

goombas (Super Mario Bros.) as goblins

Poe (Legend of Zelda) as Moaning Myrtle

Freddy and Luther (Freddy Fish) as CF

Mikau (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask) as Merchieftan

Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney) as CF...?

Epona (Legend of Zelda) as Buckbeak

Loftwings (Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword) as hippogriffs

Franziska von Karma (Ace Attorney) as Barty Crouch Jr.

Whatevers (Mother 3) as nifflers

Andrew Ryan (Bioshock) as Cornelius Fudge (Winnicott version)

Wright (named after the aforementioned Phoenix Wright) as Fawkes

Ho-ohs (Pokemon) as phoenixes

FLUDD (Super Mario Sunshine) as Sorting Hat

Tome of Eternal Darkness (Eternal Darkness) as Pensieve

floows (Super Smash Bros.) as dementors

Judge (Ace Attorney) as CF

Winston Payne (Ace Attorney) as CF

Ares (God of War) as Antonin Dolohov

Oersted (Live A Live) as Evan Rosier

Cackletta (Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga) as Travers

Straybow (Live A Live) as Mulciber

Zant (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Rodolphus Lestrange

Magalor (Kirby's Return to Dreamland) as Rookwood

Veran (Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages) as Bellatrix Lestrange

Kahn and Karen Wong (Xenogears) as Frank and Alice Longbottom

Gato (Chrono Trigger) as CF

necromorph baby (Dead Space) as weakened Tabuu

Redd White (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney) as Mr. Goyle

Twinrova (Legend of Zelda) as Mr. Crabbe

Dahlia Hawothorne (Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations) as Macnair

Sarah and Jake Mario (OC) as Lily and James Potter

AND

? ? ? ? ? ? (? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?) as Dolores Umbridge

XXXX

Andrew Ryan strode through the Government building- there was only one destination on his mind. He had to get there quick...

He found the door he was looking for and swung it open- sure enough, the individual he'd been seeking sat there behind a desk. "It's time," he spoke. "The prophecies of old are coming to fruition- the Master Hand is moving against us, under the guise of attempting to fight the Great Darkness. Only one person can save us now... you know what you must do."

The smasher looked up over their desk, a nasty grin spreading across their face. Their lips parted, and they began to laugh. "Nwehehe... _Nwehehe..._ NWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"

The Super Smash Bros. will return in...

Mario Mario and the Order of Philanthropy


End file.
